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Another [Marriage Trouble] Thread: Separation Edition
altface
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Hurfff okay here goes. Alt account because I'm a pussy.
My partner Adam is separated from his wife, and has been for a little over a year now. Things are great between him and I, but we are both reaching the end of our tether right now and are pretty damn near tearing our hair out. I for one know zero about separation, divorce and mortgages and could really use some good ol' H&A to help both Adam and I.
The Lowdown
When it's summarised like that it sounds fairly simple but unfortunately it isn't.
Adam and his wife initially saw a mortgage advisor after separation who basically said "leave everything as it is", and so it has been. He basically took his PC and clothes and nothing else, and hasn't exactly been overloaded with spare moolah this past year and a bit. I have tried my best to read up and make sense of separations and joint mortgages to help him out, and I guess the wife will be aiming to "buy out" Adam and have sole ownership of the property but this doesn't seem to be high on her priorities from what I can see (my partner took care of the children for a week while she went on holiday abroad..). What kind of rights does Adam have while they are separated, and when they divorce? I understand a lawyer's advice is needed and he will be seeing his mortgage advisor in January, so any insight on the kinds of things Adam needs to be bringing up would be great.
I also did some reading up and came across something called a separation agreement. From what I can understand this is a document to outline things like payments, splitting of money, child custody etc. from the time of separation? All these things were done off-paper by Adam and wife when they separated, should they have gotten an agreement and signed it back then? Are they going to be at a disadvantage for not having one?
Any advice on dealing with a controlling (ex)wife would be appreciated too. I love kids and support Adam being a great dad to his spawns, but our lives and relationship is so limited right now. A fortnight ago Adam and wife were organising who has the children on what days over Christmas holidays, and a few days after he was given the list she changed them again as she felt she was being too generous. She is fixated on equality when she can up and leave for a holiday and give nothing in return except arguements because Adam was "allowed" New Year's off last year - and her mother is taking care of them this New Year so what does it matter? My partner is currently in the middle of writing an email to the wife as he feels he can't speak to her anymore without things getting into an arguement. Petty things such as him turning off his phone for one evening results in a bombardment of angry text messages from her because he hasn't replied.
It's getting ridiculous! I hate seeing my boyfriend who is usually the most relaxed and agreeable man get so stressed. All I would like is to move forward but it feels impossible, and things are still the same after so many months. I would love to meet his kids (and it's something we're trying to work on), at least then it won't feel like Adam is living two completely separate lives.
Any help or previous experiences will be really appreciated - I will direct Adam to this thread too so he can read the replies for himself.
tl;dr: Boyfriend is separated from (ex)wife and will be divorcing in under a year. What are his rights concerning the joint mortgage etc. especially without a separation agreement document? How do we cope with a controlling (ex)wife?
My partner Adam is separated from his wife, and has been for a little over a year now. Things are great between him and I, but we are both reaching the end of our tether right now and are pretty damn near tearing our hair out. I for one know zero about separation, divorce and mortgages and could really use some good ol' H&A to help both Adam and I.
The Lowdown
- We are in the UK
- Children are involved (age 5 and 8, and they do not know about me)
- Adam and (ex)wife have a house with mortgage in joint names (in which the mother and children currently live)
- Adam either stays at his mother's house, or at my apartment (depending on if he has the children or not that evening)
- These evenings are told to us by the (ex)wife, sometimes due to work shift times but not always
- Adam pays half of the mortgage plus an amount on top for maintenance every month
- It has been decided that divorce will happen 2 years after initial separation
- Adam is a very agreeable person and left his wife because she was incredibly controlling, and still is
- The wife managed most of the finance/mortgage/etc. so Adam is nearly as in the dark as I am
When it's summarised like that it sounds fairly simple but unfortunately it isn't.
Adam and his wife initially saw a mortgage advisor after separation who basically said "leave everything as it is", and so it has been. He basically took his PC and clothes and nothing else, and hasn't exactly been overloaded with spare moolah this past year and a bit. I have tried my best to read up and make sense of separations and joint mortgages to help him out, and I guess the wife will be aiming to "buy out" Adam and have sole ownership of the property but this doesn't seem to be high on her priorities from what I can see (my partner took care of the children for a week while she went on holiday abroad..). What kind of rights does Adam have while they are separated, and when they divorce? I understand a lawyer's advice is needed and he will be seeing his mortgage advisor in January, so any insight on the kinds of things Adam needs to be bringing up would be great.
I also did some reading up and came across something called a separation agreement. From what I can understand this is a document to outline things like payments, splitting of money, child custody etc. from the time of separation? All these things were done off-paper by Adam and wife when they separated, should they have gotten an agreement and signed it back then? Are they going to be at a disadvantage for not having one?
Any advice on dealing with a controlling (ex)wife would be appreciated too. I love kids and support Adam being a great dad to his spawns, but our lives and relationship is so limited right now. A fortnight ago Adam and wife were organising who has the children on what days over Christmas holidays, and a few days after he was given the list she changed them again as she felt she was being too generous. She is fixated on equality when she can up and leave for a holiday and give nothing in return except arguements because Adam was "allowed" New Year's off last year - and her mother is taking care of them this New Year so what does it matter? My partner is currently in the middle of writing an email to the wife as he feels he can't speak to her anymore without things getting into an arguement. Petty things such as him turning off his phone for one evening results in a bombardment of angry text messages from her because he hasn't replied.
It's getting ridiculous! I hate seeing my boyfriend who is usually the most relaxed and agreeable man get so stressed. All I would like is to move forward but it feels impossible, and things are still the same after so many months. I would love to meet his kids (and it's something we're trying to work on), at least then it won't feel like Adam is living two completely separate lives.
Any help or previous experiences will be really appreciated - I will direct Adam to this thread too so he can read the replies for himself.
tl;dr: Boyfriend is separated from (ex)wife and will be divorcing in under a year. What are his rights concerning the joint mortgage etc. especially without a separation agreement document? How do we cope with a controlling (ex)wife?
altface on
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You just deal with it and learn when to say no and learn to not answer the phone. You can't change how she'll respond. Only communicate through writing to keep a trail. Have a lawyer help you write up a mutual visitation agreement that the courts will sigh off on. Then he can't get screwed visitation wise. Even if it means seeing his kids less right now, make it easy for them and don't use them as weapons (which can be shockingly difficult).
Oh, and don't get involved beyond support for him. Don't contact her, don't bring any of this up with the kids if/when they meet you, don't speak to his attorney, stay out of it. She'll see you as the fucking devil before you know it if you get involved and thats going to make everything so much more difficult.
I do not plan to do any of this so no worries there.
Edit: This is a given anyway unfortunately.
No. Why?