Well, I was DMing a Darksun Campaign and we had some pretty epic stuff happen. I don't use alignment, except as a hidden modifier, but the party was pretty much the epitome of Chaotic Neutral.
The party of Arconom the Deciever, consisting of Org, Half-giant fighter, Clc'clk, Thri-kreen psion, as well as a cleric and a gladiator henchman, who's name eludes me, returned to King Tithian of Tyr, after completing a succesful slave raid. They had ventured forth from tyr, with a force of men under the command of a moderately powerful psion to destroy a group of slavers with a base in the mountains beyond the forest and take the slaves, which were to be used for secret purposes by the king. The slavers had been killed, at a great cost to the king's men, and the party left the commander behind for dead.
The commander had not been killed, and charged the party with treason in front of the king. The King was uninterested in this dispute, and dismissed everyone. On the way out, the commander attacked the party, and was dispatched by Org. Somehow, Arconom interpretted this assault incorrectly, and the party turned itself around and attacked the king's personal guard. The cleric summoned a sand howler, and Tithian failed his saving throw and was paralyzed. Org beheaded him with his massive mekilot bone lotulis. Clc'clk eviscerated the king's guards with his psionically enhanced claws, and arconom cast the most powerful spells he could conjur. The result being that the throne room ran red with blood.
The party began to flee the city before the truth of what had happened began to sink in with the town guards and the army. Sadira of Tyr, a powerful preserver, met Arconom during his flight and the two clashed in a duel. Sadira summoned black tentacles, which ripped through the ground and ensnared Arconom, while he conjured blasts of fire which set the neighborhood on fire. The duel was a draw, but Arconom escaped, along with the rest of the party.
Arconom perished in the sea of silt, having fled Tyr, but Org and Clc'Clk lived on. As a result of the King's death, the Senate took control of Tyr, and because of the horrific display of sorcery, the people's worst fears were confirmed and wizardry was once again banned from the city. All wizards are a rotten bunch, afterall, unconcerned about the welbeing of others.
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Gabriel_Pitt(effective against Russian warships)Registered Userregular
Ok, Im pretty new to tabletop stuff, all Ive really played is D&D 3.5, so whats this CoC? It sounds like fun times.
Fun times... *Snicker* f-f-fun... aha... times (rotflmao). This was the game I almost quite a couple of times because it just got too psychologically intense. So yeah, really fun times (it was run by a _really_ good GM).
CoC stands for Call of Cthulhu. Have you ever read any H.P. Lovecraft? CoC is a game based off of his horror mythos, and the expanded works other authors have contributed to it over the years. It can be kind of a grim game, since ultimately, anything the PCs do is futile, because humanity is no more than the merest mote in the universe, that sooner or later will be brushed aside by greater things that won't even notice. That's what makes the victories and high points of a well run game so memorable.
I was also playing with some really great players, which makes everything better.
I was running a Rifts campaign with about six guys who were long time gamers and had their own unique chemistry, two of which (Paul and Mike) had been gaming together for almost twelve years.
Paul is running a Veritech pilot who got thrown into the Rifts world and was trying to prevent the Coalition from capturing his more sophisticated Veritech. His character has some generic Japanese name like Senjurro or some such.
Mike is running a Crazy with a fetish for one-liners and stand-up comedy. His character is named...get this...Sparky.
The party of misfits runs into a Dead-Boy assault company; the firefight ensues and only two infantrymen from the Coalition survive. One is down and subdued, the other is running for his life across the high plains.
Paul: "Sparky, I want you to fuck that man!"-points at fleeing Dead-Boy
Mike:"Yessir!"-takes off with his enhanced speed and catches up to said fugitive
Mike:"Hi!"-waves at Dead-Boy whilst running backwards and slams him to the ground
This is the funny part. After Mike's character strips the Coalition soldier down to his bare ass, Paul's character starts to question the captive and threatening him with sodomy on the part of Sparky.
At this point I decide that the situation is too much for Sparky (my decision; I'm getting into the joke) and I require a roll for arousal. The look of sheer confidence on Mike's face was quickly dashed when he rolled a 1. Paul's character continues to question the captive and he wasn't getting much of a response so Mike says:"I'm getting it up if it kills me!"
So Mike is now getting to ready to roll his "attack" in a fashion that can only be called "masturbatory." Mike rolls a twenty.
Mike:"Critical, baby! John Holmes and Viagra! Yeeeeehaawww!"
Paul is soon done questioning our now weeping NPC and tells Mike that they're done with him; Sparky knocks him over the horizon and buttons up his fly.
Mike:"Did you see that guy?!? Some kind of homer-sexual...I dunno where the Coalition is gettin' it's troops...maybe someone oughta talk to Emporer Prosek about that...."
Okay. I was in an oWoD game of Mage-- my character was Cult of Ecstasy, the owner of a high-end bordello. We were tracking these evil cultists and found whom we assumed to be evil cultists skulking outside of the bordello. Since it was a very high-end place, it had a fully equipped dungeon in the basement. We kidnapped the two guys and chained them up, and were going to scare the confession out of them.
So my character gets the brilliant idea of whipping them across the feet, and moving up until they actually confess. She doesn't tell anyone this, so this is what everyone saw:
Character removes the shoes and socks of the captives.
Character whips herself between the eyes, drawing blood. (I botched my roll.)
I make my roll to not flinch, and in the most menacing voice my character could muster under the circumstances, she says "That could have been you."
That was definitely the last time she got to interrogate anyone.
Our party consisted of a human Druid, Mage, and Fighter, a dwarf Fighter/Cleric, a halfling Thief, and a human Ranger being run by the DM. We had vanquished many kobolds and goblins, saved a small town from evil, and had moved on to a slightly larger town. There were rumors of graverobbing, and an unusually high number of orcs roaming the forest, and it was our duty to investigate. We were all around level 3 or 4 at this point.
The ranger picked up the tracks soon enough, and we followed them (Sneaking past dozens of orcs harvesting lumber) to a large glade, where the beginnings of a huge fort could be seen. We snuck past an orc scout, entered a cave beneath the roots of a great oak, and killed off a few inattentive orc guards within before they could sound the alarm.
That was the plan, anyway.
Instead, our dwarf decided to take out the lone scout outside the cave by tossing a hammer at its head. He missed, but our ranger shot the orc before it could yell for help. Unfortunately, the orcs playing cards inside the cave saw the whole thing go down. Warhorns were sounded, and the DM informed us that the dozens of orcs we had passed would arrive in a few minutes.
We charged into the cave, killing the orcs within but using most of our cure potions in the process. Our two fighters and the ranger vowed to hold the line while the rest of us continued through a small tunnel in the back.
The druid, thief, and mage (myself) reached the end of the tunnel, where we were faced with a long ladder leading up into the trunk of the tree. We climbed up into the darkness -- we had no torches -- and as we reached the top, the DM informed us that we could hear faint rattling and clacking noises around us. The thief wandered into the room, followed by the druid. I was still climbing the ladder.
The DM rolled some dice, and told the two of them to take 1 damage each. Our druid casts Flame Blade, and by the flickering firelight we get a look at our soon-to-be killers: the undead skeletons of small woodland critters. As I reach the top of the ladder, a pig skeleton bites my hand. I fail a dexterity check and fall the 30-odd feet to the dirt below. Unless someone can heal me, I'm screwed.
Our thief desperately tries to pick the lock of the door leading out of the skeleton room. Our druid -- he's 6'10", 170 pounds, and wearing a cloth robe -- swings his flame blade at a chipmunk skeleton, but critically misses. He broke his own leg when this happened in the first session, and this time is even worse. He sets himself on fire.
The druid stops, drops, and rolls, snuffing out some bony snakes and rabbits in the process. Sadly it isn't enough, and between the burning and the skeletal pig, his life is over. Our thief manages to pick the lock and open the door. Too bad for him, he didn't have time to check for traps. He hears a 'click' from overhead, and looks up just in time to get a faceful of acid. The skeletons kill him - one hitpoint at a time - as he stumbles blindly around the room.
The two fighters and the ranger made a valiant stand against the orcish horde. They took out close to a dozen before being overwhelmed.
tl;dr -- Mage gets bitten on the hand by skeletal pig, falls off ladder, dies. Druid critically misses with Flame Blade, lights own robe on fire; burns to death. Thief triggers acid trap, is blinded; nibbled to death by undead squirrels. Fighters and Ranger are cornered, attempt to take on a platoon of orcs, and die.
I've got a much better one I'll write up later, but in my very first Shadowrun game as GM, one of my players - all rookies - stated that he farted in the air duct, and then begged me to see if the gangers below heard and/or smelled it.
A very large Ork ended up angrily backhanding an unfortunately ugly elf, knocking him ass-over-teakettle, yelling "GODDAMN DAISY EATER, I TOLD YOU TO GO OUTSIDE."
There was also the time that one of the group members unilaterally declined a job, whereupon one of the other players yelled "You can't just blow off the Johnson!" whereupon there was twenty seconds of dead silence and then riotous laughter.
I had a similar one.
The team was supposed to meet their contact for a job at a particular location so they can drop off the chips and whatnot that they acquired for him. They all go there separately, meeting up where the guy is supposed to be. What they don't know is that the guy has been killed, and they are pretty much next. However, the team leader at this point says, "I climb up to the roof of one of the buildings and look around. Do I see Mr. J anywhere?"
To which, I answer (without thinking), "You look down and your Johnson is nowhere to be seen."
It took 45 minutes to get everyone back on track after that. I couldn't even mention the character (not even as "your contact") without explosive bursts of choking laughter.
I guess it was just payback for the time I started a laugh-fest because the DM decided to name the Anti-Paladin (that's 1st ed. speak for Blackguard) and big villain of the game, "Lord Darkbone."
He made us kill him prematurely, just so we would stop laughing and he could get on with the game.
Okay. I was in an oWoD game of Mage-- my character was Cult of Ecstasy, the owner of a high-end bordello. We were tracking these evil cultists and found whom we assumed to be evil cultists skulking outside of the bordello. Since it was a very high-end place, it had a fully equipped dungeon in the basement. We kidnapped the two guys and chained them up, and were going to scare the confession out of them.
So my character gets the brilliant idea of whipping them across the feet, and moving up until they actually confess. She doesn't tell anyone this, so this is what everyone saw:
Character removes the shoes and socks of the captives.
Character whips herself between the eyes, drawing blood. (I botched my roll.)
I make my roll to not flinch, and in the most menacing voice my character could muster under the circumstances, she says "That could have been you."
That was definitely the last time she got to interrogate anyone.
I can just imagine her preceding and finishing that threat with "Owww...fuck..."
One time in D&D myself (playing a paladin) and three friends (a cleric a mage and a rogue) were all in your generic tomb under a mansion full of the undead. Now the guy playing the rogue was a real rules lawyer and it didn't help that he had read more books than the GM so thought he knew everything and was always calling the GM on definitions and how stuff worked.
Anyway we got ambushed by a group of skeletons and violence ensued, me and the cleric took down several each and even the mage took down one with his staff as he didn't want to use any of his few remaining spells. Finally theres only one skeleton left and its the same one the rogue has been fighting the whole combat, the rogues high dex means the skeleton has next to no chance of landing a hit on him and the rogue is getting consistently poor rolls which is really starting to piss him off. We offer to help but the rogue doesn't want any of it saying he's going to finish it himself so a couple more rounds pass while the rest of us exchange banter and generally try to inspire competence in the skeleton. Finally the rogue hits for like 5 points of piercing damage.
Rogue: Is it dead?
GM: umm (checks behind his screen) yes, yes it is
Rogue: Finally!! Ok I 'm going to check out that chest we saw before we got ambushed.
GM: As you turn the skeleton stabs you in the back for.... oh critical hit..so lots of damage.
Rogue: WHAT!!! you said it was dead!!
GM: It is dead, its a skeleton
One time in D&D myself (playing a paladin) and three friends (a cleric a mage and a rogue) were all in your generic tomb under a mansion full of the undead. Now the guy playing the rogue was a real rules lawyer and it didn't help that he had read more books than the GM so thought he knew everything and was always calling the GM on definitions and how stuff worked.
Anyway we got ambushed by a group of skeletons and violence ensued, me and the cleric took down several each and even the mage took down one with his staff as he didn't want to use any of his few remaining spells. Finally theres only one skeleton left and its the same one the rogue has been fighting the whole combat, the rogues high dex means the skeleton has next to no chance of landing a hit on him and the rogue is getting consistently poor rolls which is really starting to piss him off. We offer to help but the rogue doesn't want any of it saying he's going to finish it himself so a couple more rounds pass while the rest of us exchange banter and generally try to inspire competence in the skeleton. Finally the rogue hits for like 5 points of piercing damage.
Rogue: Is it dead?
GM: umm (checks behind his screen) yes, yes it is
Rogue: Finally!! Ok I 'm going to check out that chest we saw before we got ambushed.
GM: As you turn the skeleton stabs you in the back for.... oh critical hit..so lots of damage.
Rogue: WHAT!!! you said it was dead!!
GM: It is dead, its a skeleton
Once during a campaign, our group was escaping from a walled town. It had a nice fancy vertically sliding iron gate, much the same you see in most medieval castle gates.
Well, I should explain why we were escaping first. Our fighter, Tolken, had entered a gladiator tournament, and he did really well. In fact, he made it to the final round. However, his final opponent wasn't just some random fighter, it was the son of the Mayor. And, thus far, none of the matches had been to the death, it was just to "severely wounded," and then the loser was taken to the healers and patched up.
In this final match, Tolken was doing decent. He was probably about half-lifed, and the mayor's son had about 1/4 left. But, being an asshole, the mayor's son stops fighting, backs up, turns around and proclaims that he gives up to the officials. Being the son's mayor, the officials start to announce that the forfeit is accepted.
And then Tolken charges him, tackling him to the ground, and proceeds to lunge his bastard sword right through the mayor's son. He is very dead.
So then the guards are summoned, including the Captain (we never named him, so he was jsut the Captain). He was a recurring character, and well known for being very strong. So he addresses Tolken, reads him his rights, and goes to arrest him.
Lucky Tolken suceeds his evade, retrieves his bastard swords, and then, of course, triple 20s. DECAPITATES THE CAPTAIN.
Now, it turned out this had greater ramifications than expected. Our DM never expected us to actually kill the Captain. Why? Well, after killing him, clouds gather and darken over the arena, and a bolt of thunder strikes the Captain's corpse. A Valkyrie then appears in the arena, and the Captain's soul stands clearly visible above his own corpse. The Valkyrie then takes him, and they ascend to Valhalla.
And then, everyone turns to Tolken. And the guards bum rush him. This time, he turns tail and hauls ass out of the arena. The rest of us had been sitting int he stands, and we haul ass outside. One of us, Joe, says, "I have an idea! Get the horses and head out the front gate, I'll meet you later!" and dissapears intot he back alleys of town.
So, we get the horses, and we all book it towards the front gate. Upon getting there, we expect the guards keeping watch at the gate to begin hailing arrows down upon us, but there are no guards. However, the rest of town's barracks seem to have emptied out, and we have men on horseback chasing us, led by the Sheriff, and by a General who had been visiting for the tournament.
We manage to run through the gate, and then hear a loud BANG. I stop and look back, and the DM informs me of what has happened:
"While you guys were running through town and out the gate, Joe ran to the guard's post at the wall. He then ran the wall over to the Gate, and was able to sneak up and kill the guard's there. After you guys ran through the gate, he managed to properly cut the ropes holding the gate open. And now, the gate has closed on top of the General. And I literally mean, ON TOP OF."
So now our group has succesfully killed the son of a Mayor, a Captain of the Guard that was one of Valhalla's Chosen, and now a General.
And if you read my post over in the great rolls thread, this is the event that caused us to flee to that castle, and the army that followed us there.
The end of a particularly vicious battle in a ruined city in WH40K is probably my best gaming story. It was a game of backs-and-forths until the sixth turn, which saw the game end in a solid draw. My opponent and I say fuck it, let's play to the last man.
Long story short, it's down to one immobilized dreadnought on my side, and two genestealers on his. The 'stealers are behind the dread, so he can't do shit. They charge his back armor, and one attack comes up 6, rending my poor dreadnought, penetrating his armor. Next comes the damage table roll. Wouldn't you know it, another six. The dread explodes violently, hitting and wounding both 'stealers. Come time for saves from those wounds, they both fail.
So, to recap:
On the twelfth turn of a six-turn game, I have a useless vehicle and my opponent has two close combat goddamn monsters. He rapes the vehicle from behind, at which point it blows the hell up and kills everyone.
Technically, 'Nids won that, but we prefer to call it a draw.
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
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Der Waffle MousBlame this on the misfortune of your birth.New Yark, New Yark.Registered Userregular
edited October 2006
Two nights ago, myself and 5 others ranging from levels 5 to seven, were trapped in a horde of zombies. Including zombified wyverns, zombified Umber-hulks, zombified minotaurs, and roughly 80 humanoid zombies, all of them arranged in a ring around us.
I was the only one to actually get hit by an enemy.
Two nights ago, myself and 5 others ranging from levels 5 to seven, were trapped in a horde of zombies. Including zombified wyverns, zombified Umber-hulks, zombified minotaurs, and roughly 80 humanoid zombies, all of them arranged in a ring around us.
...
I was the only one to actually get hit by an enemy.
Ok. How did you guys pull that off?
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Gabriel_Pitt(effective against Russian warships)Registered Userregular
Two nights ago, myself and 5 others ranging from levels 5 to seven, were trapped in a horde of zombies. Including zombified wyverns, zombified Umber-hulks, zombified minotaurs, and roughly 80 humanoid zombies, all of them arranged in a ring around us.
...
I was the only one to actually get hit by an enemy.
Ok. How did you guys pull that off?
Wand of fireballs, and taking advantage of the fact that they can't move and attack, for the most part.
Eventually, we got surrounded and swamped, our bard came up with the initially brilliant idea to blow a hole towards the exit and run like hell, however that didn't quite take initiative into account. So, I grab the wizard and run 30', getting swamped the next turn. However, they were only two-deep or so to the edge, so I blew threw and unloaded the mage next turn.
Except the DM wasn't too clear on where exactly the umberhulks were during that time. They were right in front of us.
So, the wizard casts invisibility on herself, I get cornered by the umberhulks. There are technically ten, but only two can get into contact with me. I manage to down one, and then the next turn, I get smacked by the other.
They are then killed by a well-placed maxed fireball.
A couple weeks ago, we were playing our brand new 3.5 greyhawk campaign at level 4, which we had just started a month ago after ending a 3.0 FR game. In this game I'm playing a whisper gnome binder (dude who contacts beings outside the realm of mortals and gods who gains power by letting them bond a small part of themselves to his soul, really fun and interesting class out of tome of magic) although nobody knows what class I really am since binders are roughly equivalent to witches and my best friend is playing my cousin, a whisper gnome fighter/rogue going blade bravo named Rune and we're both horrible alcoholics. There's also the fighter samurai gestalt named ronin and the straight rogue named dash. We're with the military of Furyondy and we'd just completed an escort mission into Bissel. We had just dealt with a cleric of Wee-jas who commanded some rasts that were sucking local villagers and livestock completely dry of blood (this completely dry of blood thing is important for later, also we thought it was a vampire up until we actually fought the rasts). On the way back, our sargeant (npc) decides it'd be a decent idea to go out and kill some goblins and get us a nice bounty. Me and Rune, being gnomes (with their racial mods to beating goblin ass), are always 100% in favor of killing any and all things goblin related.
So we head off the beaten trail a bit into goblin country and, lo and behold encounter a small group of goblins with a few orcs mixed with them. Combat starts with sarg commanding the goblins to throw down their weapons if they want to live. This is quickly followed by dash saying, "I'm going to make a listen check!" even though he's all of 30 feet away from the sargeant. He rolls well above what he needed to hear our yelling leader and says, "HURRR I CAN'T HEAR YOU SARG! PTWANG." Ptwang being retard speak for I shoot bow nowz. Yes he did yell that (hence the caps) and yes, he actually did say ptwang. Goblin takes an arrow in the chest and crumples.
Our samurai, played by our resident supreme rules lawyer, runs up to the orc commander, puts his katana to the orc's neck and says, "It would be wise to listen to the sargeant." or something to that effect. Me and Rune hold our actions to see what the sarg does. Enemies take their turn, have a bit of a chat, and throw down their weapons.
Now, my character wanted nothing more than to kill these goblins, because as I said time and time again, goblins aren't people, they aren't even pack animals. So I start looking over my character sheet trying to find some way to get this boring ass uncombat turned back around towards slaughtertown. Then I notice that whispergnomes get ghost sounds as a spell like ability once a day, that with the vestige I have bound I can swap places with any willing ally within a certain range (and Rune was in that range) and that I have a high bluff check. And so a plan is hatched.
I say to Rune in Terran (a language only he and I speak) hey, I'm going to use my ghost sounds and make that bush over there sound like it's casting a spell. Be ready to switch places with me. So while people are dealing with our newfound prisoners I ghost sounds off into the bushes and yell out, "Enemy caster in that bush!" But I don't do the place swap because I'm out of actions. But it turns out I didn't need to because as soon as the goblins turn came around they all started yelling, "Shaman! Shaman!" and they all pick up their weapons. Glorious goblin and orc murder ensues, all thanks to a 0 level spell.
Once all but one of the goblins is killed, the sarg yells, "Hey, what happened to that shaman?!" And I say, "I saw him run off that way sir, me and Rune will go take care of him!" So Rune and I ride off on our dogs a ways, at which point we cackle at the murder of goblins and drink from our hidden stashes. I pass my fort saves, he doesn't. So I'm a little tipsy, he's falling off his saddle drunk. Another plan is hatched and I lay him across his saddle and tell him to act sick then I ride back into camp leading his dog. We head to the back of our little procession where I unload him into the back of one of our carts and then I go get the sarg. Note that at this point neither of us had taken any damage whatsoever.
When the sarg sees him laying there he exclaims, "By Pelor! What happened here?" And I say, "Well sarg it went like this. Me and Rune found that shaman, an orc built like a bear and twice as ugly, who proved to be a crafty foe and a monster in battle. For what seemed an eternity the 3 of us struggled in a glorious fight until we had the upper hand. Sensing his imminent defeat, he spat out some sort of Orcish curse, at the end of which his hand glowed a sickly green and oozed fel energies. Then he slapped Rune there across the face. Rune crumpled to the ground and just started puking his guts up. Enraged at the uhhh diseasification of my cousin, I found newfound vigor and slew the orc! Then I brought him back here."
Sarg then asked, "Wow. Whoa wait a second, did you say diseased? IS he contagious!?!?"
Bearing in mind I have 0 ranks in heal, I respond, "Oh no sir. Being a trained physician, and a student of both the arcane and divine arts, I can safely say that he isn't contagious. He'll just feel like crap until tomorrow. Won't be any good in a fight, but he'll be fine after a good nights rest. He should still be left alone though, air is good for the sick and whatnot."
Rune pipes in with, "Sorry to let you down sarg, *cough cough wheeze*"
A little teary-eyed, the sarg says, "You don't worry about that son, you did real good today. So what happened to this shamans body anyway?"
Remember how I said we thought a vampire was involved when we dealt with the rasts? I was the one who made that check. So I said, "Damndest thing sarg. I landed a grievous blow to the creatures head, crumpling his helm and scattering brain matter everywhere. Before the body even hit the ground it had turned into mist and flown off!"
Rune mumbles in Terran, "Don't take the lie too far you stupid sonovabitch."
With a great yell, Sarg whips out his lance and shouts towards the heavens, "I knew vampires were involved! For the sake Of Rune Waybur, a valiant and noble soldier, I swear here and now in front of Pelor himself that I will slay the vampire that has plagued this land and hurt this gentle gnome! You get better soon Rune!" And then he rode off to the front of our procession, determined to slay a creature that never existed.
Not once did I have to roll a bluff check. The dm said it was entirely too brilliant not to have it work.
TL;DR; Using a 0th level spell I got to murder surrendered goblins without any repercussions. After doing this I proceeded to get piss ass drunk with my cousin while on the job. He can't hold his liquor and I lie out of my ass to cover for us, which leads to our sargeant swearing an oath to kill a vampire that does not exist.
I was running a high magic D&D 3.5 game once, in which the party consisted of a half elf artificer (though his backstory was in piracy), an elf druid, an elf bard, a tiefling rogue/master thrower, a halfling somethingorother (its been a couple of years and it was a BIG group), and a radiant dragon spellsword.
ANNNYHOO, The party found itself on an enemy prototype airship, which was manned by spellswords and an epic silver dragon sorceror (who had been stolen from a one shot I had run a few weeks prior). Well, they fight valiantly, but get captured, of course, and are cornered on the bridge.
They had managed to get a scroll of wish (the game was ridiculous), and our artificer pirate, after managing to READ the scroll, wished that he were the captain of the ship, thinking that the crew would simply start to listen to his commands rather than the dragon (the dragon was the captain, if you didn't catch on). But, I decided to make things more interesting. I mean, it WAS a wish spell, and thus I could kinda screw around as much as I wanted within the wish parameters, so I did a soul switch. The half elf artficiers soul for the epic dragon sorceror's. The ex-dragon realized what had happened, shat his pants, and ran.
I played with my older brother and some of his friends, one of whom's older brother got them started. Well the friend's older brother and his set of friends had a big group that went for a long time, and every time they created a really epic character and they died they put them in the "Honored Ancestors" folder/book. So over time there was a decent number of characters in there, but they all had cool stories. We did a campaign for a few weeks and in the middle of a battle I got into a duel with the highest ranking enemy present. How does my epic character I had for 2 months end up dying? Kharmic strike, we both die. It turns the tide of the battle and he ends up in the Honored Ancestors book. I was all "yayyy" and happy.
I need to dig up my L5R group's "The Glory Hole" story now. Basically, it's the story of "Rokugan's Worst Samurai".
(The name comes from how he was so dishonorable in his actions, he dragged the honor down of everyone who was associated with him, like a walking black hole of honor and glory.)
On a flip note, the same campaign had *my* character, who, at the end of a year and a half of weekly play, ended up being named as a Fortune.
(Having earned "The Empress" as a two-point Ally didn't hurt things... and neither did his crazy trip to Jigoku and back, surviving the entire thing un-tainted and sane, with a side-trip in the Realm of Slaughter...)
EDIT: Found it! This was transcribed by one of the other players.
A player in my Lo5R game shall ever be referred to as 'The Glory Hole' due to a stunt that he pulled with one of his previous characters. I was present for PART of the incident, which took about a month to play out. I was not around for all of it, but it has been pieced together from those players who attended other sessions into a small legend. Our GM has friends at Alderaac, who make the Lo5R game and cards, and he says he would not be surprised to see a card made of the character involved in this. I want one.
It's more entertaining perhaps if you know about Lo5R: if you don't, a little background is required. The campaign is set in Ryoko Owari, a city held by the Scorpion clan. The Scorpions are the clan that are most closely assocated with ninjas. They are often portrayed as backstabbing schemers, but they are all loyal to their family and work politically for its continued advancement. This story also involves the clan of the Crane...another 'schemer' clan best known for art and swordsmen, and wealth. Think of them as the clan of the white-haired bishounen.
Bayushi Araki was not a white-haired bishounen. He was the son of a Crane samurai who took a Scorpion mistress. A bastard, Araki had always been considered part of his mother's clan, but knew of his father's existance. He had met with his father and agreed to go to Ryoko Owari and spy on the Scorpion to gather information for the Crane from the inside.
So far, so good. You have an interesting background for your character. It's one that allowed you to wrangle up an inordinate amount of illogically mismatched and minmaxed Merits, but, it is an interesting background.
The problem is that Araki's player was not particuarlly on the ball when it came to split-second decisions. A bandit-lord had been operating outside of the city for some time, and always targeting Scorpion travelers and merchants. A Scorpion shugenja (priest/wizard, a type of samurai magic-user) was heading back to the city from traveling, along with his apprentices. The governer of the city requested that some samurai--the currently available PCs--go out and make sure the Scorpions made it safe.
The very idea that a PC would be asked to do this smacks of plot hook. My character was not there at the time, but Bayushi and another PC, a Dragon clan swordsman, were ready to go. They traveled out to the edge of the territory and made an escort.
Naturally, the bandits attacked, with some strategy. A group of them set fire to some poppy fields off of one side of the road, as a distraction. Not sure of what was going on, and seeing only fire, Araki thought it might be best to be undetected (which, clearly, the PCs already were NOT). He decided to sneak out to investigate.
Allow me to stress at this time that 'sneaking' is considered entirely dishonorable for any samurai to do, and if the Dragon had been mindless of PC-glow, he would have accused Araki of being a Ninja and cut him down right there and then.
Araki snuck out and back, and then reported to the Shukenja leader. "There are four bandits setting fire to the fields."
"...What do you think we should do?"
Clearly, a moron question. Go out there and kill them. That is what you are here for. But Araki was honestly perplexed, while the other PC immediately set off to do his job. The shugenja leader immediately followed, leaving Araki alone with his apprentices.
The bandits' tactic worked better than planned, clearly, as not only had they managed to get the group to turn its back to the other side of the road, where there was forest a few yards out, but they had managed to split the group up. A few bandits up in the trees rained arrows down on the apprentices and samurai superspy.
A few missed arrows should have been a clue to rush in to protect the defenseless apprentices. But Araki instead declared: "I go on full defense." A mechanism designed for the player that wants to save his own character's life. Araki was fine, but the two apprentices were shot dead. At this point, after killing the bandits in the field, the Dragon and Shugenja are returning to the road. Araki decides that NOW he will chase after the bandits that shot the apprentices (now that it's too late to stop them from killing the apprentices in the first place). So, he gets on his horse, and runs it, full-bear, into the woods.
Thus, Bayushi Araki learns the folly of running a horse full-speed into a wooded area without having any Horsemanship skill whatsoever. He runs the horse into a tree, killing it. The bandits escape.
Upon returning to the city, my character and the other PCs hear this tale. Everyone is brought to Court to speak to the governer and relate the incident. Araki tells the story thuslike:
"...I drew the bandits' fire, but it did no good. I tried to run them down, but, I'm not the most competent of horseman."
The latter part was true, if sad. The first part was true if your definition of "drawing fire" includes hiding behind a tree and covering your head.
ICA, ICC, as the saying goes. The Shugenja challenged Araki to a dual to the death, for failing to protect his students.
If the dual had gone to swords, Araki would have maybe even won and had his name cleared, since he was facing a magician. But the possibility that a non-swordsman can call in a champion to fight a duel for him (and it was likely the shugenja would), frightened him. So, instead of preparing for his duel, he decided to sneak out of the city in the middle of the night.
His goal was to go to his father's lands... apologize formally for killing the students, then go to his mother's lands and do the same. He felt this would somehow clear his name (which just isn't how samurai justice works).
When it was discovered that he was gone, all of the available PCs (including the magistrates and my bounty hunter(!) character) were set out on a manhunt to track him down. He, meanwhile, was crossing dangerous moutanious terrain to get to the Crane lands. He wasn't much of a climber, either. He messed up a roll and fell... taking enough damage from rockfall to break his back and kill him. The GM had mercy on him, in the sense that it seemed anticlimactic to have nature kill a player, miles from anywhere. His damage was reduced and he moved on his way.
His background was discovered, and the rest of the group was able to formulate an idea as to where he might have snuck off. News reached other lands of his immenent arrival, while the others were split up searching the mountains. When Araki reached the edge of the mountains, he came upon a village in Lion lands.... and they were ready. They saw a man, beaten and battered from traveling from a place where there was no road. They declared a local holiday "In Celebration of the fortune of Rice" and delayed him until the magistrate characters caught up.
Which they did...after Araki had finally left the village and was on his way out again. My character was not present, due to having gotten off-track somewhere in the mountains. In other words, this part of the story occured while I was at Northmeet, but beyond this there isn't much to tell.
Araki did not expect an anticlimax. When the groups Ronin magistrate rode up to him on the road, he kicked him in the head from the back of his horse. Enough damage was done to him to almost knock him out. But, still, Araki persisted...drawing his sword and attacking the other PCs.
It was the Dragon magistrate that took the time to put him on his knees before finishing him off.
The Dragon PC took a loss in his Glory stat just from being there when the apprentices were killed...though not as much as Araki. Araki and now, the player, are called The Glory Hole in honor of this event. Any story in which the PCs of a group are forced to put another PC down usually makes a fairly good story. Remember kids, if you do something dumb and are found out as a spy, it's better to die in a duel than on your knees in the dust.
(In case you were wondering, I wasn't mentioned in this, but that's because I was at the city where his "final destination" lied, monitoring the road traffic in case he somehow evaded the other group, ready to put a arrow in his skull at a moment's notice. The story's *better* if you know that, at the same time, the Ronin magistrate and I were out cracking down successfully on a Opium smuggling ring, and the whole "court scene " was RIGHT AFTER when we were talking about our success. The same scene didn't even end.)
PMAvers on
COME FORTH, AMATERASU! - Switch Friend Code SW-5465-2458-5696 - Twitch
Back during my second year of college a bunch of people in my dorm got together to form a D&D group. We were all newbies, so the rules were often mangled, but we had plenty of fun. A few of the highlights:
Early in the campaign, we were hired by an alchemist to procure him some ingredients for a project of his. We succeeded, but his new potion was a failure, unless he was trying to turn into a crazy monster. Battle ensued. Afterwards, one of our rogues ( we had two ) decided the best way to be sure it was dead was to burn the alchemist's house down. Our paladin checked with the DM and confirmed that arson was illegal, even if the owner had become some kind of horrible sin against the Gods. So he decided to contact the city guards and have them arrest the rogue. With a bit of moxie and some lucky rolls, the rogue managed to hide from the guardsmen. He disguised his appearance and began to plan revenge...
That night, the rogue snuck into the inn while the rest of us were in the common room eating dinner. He secretly got in touch with the other rogue and shared his plan. Rogue #2 went about contacting some shifty people he knew to obtain the D&D equivalent of a roofie, and slipped one into the paladin's drink. Meanwhile, rogue #1 set out to find the ugliest orc prostitute in the city. Long story short, after the paladin woke up he spent the next couple days bathing and praying, and when he finally returned to the party he didn't even notice that the rogue was back.
Months later, after the party size had dropped from 11 or 12 people to 5 or 6. We were divvying up the loot after a session, and one of the items was 'a vial of black ooze'. I jokingly stated that my character would give anyone 10 gold to drink it, and much to my surprise, the cleric agreed. So during the next session while we're in the middle of a battle, fighting for our lives and all, the cleric decides it's a good idea to start drinking the ooze instead of, y'know, helping us not die.
Nothing happens at first.
Then he starts to feel a little sick.
Then he takes a little damage.
Then he takes a lot of damage.
Then the gelatinous cube that's been digesting him from the inside out finally bursts out of him. The cleric and most of his possessions are dissolved, and we have another enemy to fight. After the battle, my first act was to walk over to what remained of his corpse, and take back my 10 gold.
Finally, a word of advice to new DMs: never give dragon eggs to your players as a reward. We wasted an entire bloody session on "I want to smash the eggs!", "I want to sell the eggs!", "I want to raise a dragon and have it as a pet!". Never again.
I had my first D&D game earlier today, and I had a lot of fun, but there was one moment that took the cake.
We were in the courtyard of this old, run-down keep, and had just dispacthed a pair of goblins on wargs. We turned to face the new entrants to this fight: four hobgoblins and a minotaur. Hefting his mighty axe, the Minotaur left loose a massive bellow and charged.
The DM rolled a 1 to hit.
Followed by a 20.
The minotaur had killed itself.
We laughed for a good ten minutes.
And later, a Half-Orc in full plate armour failed to intimidate a prisoner, while a reincarnated badger did just fine.
Posts
The party of Arconom the Deciever, consisting of Org, Half-giant fighter, Clc'clk, Thri-kreen psion, as well as a cleric and a gladiator henchman, who's name eludes me, returned to King Tithian of Tyr, after completing a succesful slave raid. They had ventured forth from tyr, with a force of men under the command of a moderately powerful psion to destroy a group of slavers with a base in the mountains beyond the forest and take the slaves, which were to be used for secret purposes by the king. The slavers had been killed, at a great cost to the king's men, and the party left the commander behind for dead.
The commander had not been killed, and charged the party with treason in front of the king. The King was uninterested in this dispute, and dismissed everyone. On the way out, the commander attacked the party, and was dispatched by Org. Somehow, Arconom interpretted this assault incorrectly, and the party turned itself around and attacked the king's personal guard. The cleric summoned a sand howler, and Tithian failed his saving throw and was paralyzed. Org beheaded him with his massive mekilot bone lotulis. Clc'clk eviscerated the king's guards with his psionically enhanced claws, and arconom cast the most powerful spells he could conjur. The result being that the throne room ran red with blood.
The party began to flee the city before the truth of what had happened began to sink in with the town guards and the army. Sadira of Tyr, a powerful preserver, met Arconom during his flight and the two clashed in a duel. Sadira summoned black tentacles, which ripped through the ground and ensnared Arconom, while he conjured blasts of fire which set the neighborhood on fire. The duel was a draw, but Arconom escaped, along with the rest of the party.
Arconom perished in the sea of silt, having fled Tyr, but Org and Clc'Clk lived on. As a result of the King's death, the Senate took control of Tyr, and because of the horrific display of sorcery, the people's worst fears were confirmed and wizardry was once again banned from the city. All wizards are a rotten bunch, afterall, unconcerned about the welbeing of others.
Fun times... *Snicker* f-f-fun... aha... times (rotflmao). This was the game I almost quite a couple of times because it just got too psychologically intense. So yeah, really fun times (it was run by a _really_ good GM).
CoC stands for Call of Cthulhu. Have you ever read any H.P. Lovecraft? CoC is a game based off of his horror mythos, and the expanded works other authors have contributed to it over the years. It can be kind of a grim game, since ultimately, anything the PCs do is futile, because humanity is no more than the merest mote in the universe, that sooner or later will be brushed aside by greater things that won't even notice. That's what makes the victories and high points of a well run game so memorable.
I was also playing with some really great players, which makes everything better.
Paul is running a Veritech pilot who got thrown into the Rifts world and was trying to prevent the Coalition from capturing his more sophisticated Veritech. His character has some generic Japanese name like Senjurro or some such.
Mike is running a Crazy with a fetish for one-liners and stand-up comedy. His character is named...get this...Sparky.
The party of misfits runs into a Dead-Boy assault company; the firefight ensues and only two infantrymen from the Coalition survive. One is down and subdued, the other is running for his life across the high plains.
Paul: "Sparky, I want you to fuck that man!"-points at fleeing Dead-Boy
Mike:"Yessir!"-takes off with his enhanced speed and catches up to said fugitive
Mike:"Hi!"-waves at Dead-Boy whilst running backwards and slams him to the ground
This is the funny part. After Mike's character strips the Coalition soldier down to his bare ass, Paul's character starts to question the captive and threatening him with sodomy on the part of Sparky.
At this point I decide that the situation is too much for Sparky (my decision; I'm getting into the joke) and I require a roll for arousal. The look of sheer confidence on Mike's face was quickly dashed when he rolled a 1. Paul's character continues to question the captive and he wasn't getting much of a response so Mike says:"I'm getting it up if it kills me!"
So Mike is now getting to ready to roll his "attack" in a fashion that can only be called "masturbatory." Mike rolls a twenty.
Mike:"Critical, baby! John Holmes and Viagra! Yeeeeehaawww!"
Paul is soon done questioning our now weeping NPC and tells Mike that they're done with him; Sparky knocks him over the horizon and buttons up his fly.
Mike:"Did you see that guy?!? Some kind of homer-sexual...I dunno where the Coalition is gettin' it's troops...maybe someone oughta talk to Emporer Prosek about that...."
I miss those bastards.
edited for spellin' and such
So my character gets the brilliant idea of whipping them across the feet, and moving up until they actually confess. She doesn't tell anyone this, so this is what everyone saw:
Character removes the shoes and socks of the captives.
Character whips herself between the eyes, drawing blood. (I botched my roll.)
I make my roll to not flinch, and in the most menacing voice my character could muster under the circumstances, she says "That could have been you."
That was definitely the last time she got to interrogate anyone.
Our party consisted of a human Druid, Mage, and Fighter, a dwarf Fighter/Cleric, a halfling Thief, and a human Ranger being run by the DM. We had vanquished many kobolds and goblins, saved a small town from evil, and had moved on to a slightly larger town. There were rumors of graverobbing, and an unusually high number of orcs roaming the forest, and it was our duty to investigate. We were all around level 3 or 4 at this point.
The ranger picked up the tracks soon enough, and we followed them (Sneaking past dozens of orcs harvesting lumber) to a large glade, where the beginnings of a huge fort could be seen. We snuck past an orc scout, entered a cave beneath the roots of a great oak, and killed off a few inattentive orc guards within before they could sound the alarm.
That was the plan, anyway.
Instead, our dwarf decided to take out the lone scout outside the cave by tossing a hammer at its head. He missed, but our ranger shot the orc before it could yell for help. Unfortunately, the orcs playing cards inside the cave saw the whole thing go down. Warhorns were sounded, and the DM informed us that the dozens of orcs we had passed would arrive in a few minutes.
We charged into the cave, killing the orcs within but using most of our cure potions in the process. Our two fighters and the ranger vowed to hold the line while the rest of us continued through a small tunnel in the back.
The druid, thief, and mage (myself) reached the end of the tunnel, where we were faced with a long ladder leading up into the trunk of the tree. We climbed up into the darkness -- we had no torches -- and as we reached the top, the DM informed us that we could hear faint rattling and clacking noises around us. The thief wandered into the room, followed by the druid. I was still climbing the ladder.
The DM rolled some dice, and told the two of them to take 1 damage each. Our druid casts Flame Blade, and by the flickering firelight we get a look at our soon-to-be killers: the undead skeletons of small woodland critters. As I reach the top of the ladder, a pig skeleton bites my hand. I fail a dexterity check and fall the 30-odd feet to the dirt below. Unless someone can heal me, I'm screwed.
Our thief desperately tries to pick the lock of the door leading out of the skeleton room. Our druid -- he's 6'10", 170 pounds, and wearing a cloth robe -- swings his flame blade at a chipmunk skeleton, but critically misses. He broke his own leg when this happened in the first session, and this time is even worse. He sets himself on fire.
The druid stops, drops, and rolls, snuffing out some bony snakes and rabbits in the process. Sadly it isn't enough, and between the burning and the skeletal pig, his life is over. Our thief manages to pick the lock and open the door. Too bad for him, he didn't have time to check for traps. He hears a 'click' from overhead, and looks up just in time to get a faceful of acid. The skeletons kill him - one hitpoint at a time - as he stumbles blindly around the room.
The two fighters and the ranger made a valiant stand against the orcish horde. They took out close to a dozen before being overwhelmed.
tl;dr -- Mage gets bitten on the hand by skeletal pig, falls off ladder, dies. Druid critically misses with Flame Blade, lights own robe on fire; burns to death. Thief triggers acid trap, is blinded; nibbled to death by undead squirrels. Fighters and Ranger are cornered, attempt to take on a platoon of orcs, and die.
I had a similar one.
The team was supposed to meet their contact for a job at a particular location so they can drop off the chips and whatnot that they acquired for him. They all go there separately, meeting up where the guy is supposed to be. What they don't know is that the guy has been killed, and they are pretty much next. However, the team leader at this point says, "I climb up to the roof of one of the buildings and look around. Do I see Mr. J anywhere?"
To which, I answer (without thinking), "You look down and your Johnson is nowhere to be seen."
It took 45 minutes to get everyone back on track after that. I couldn't even mention the character (not even as "your contact") without explosive bursts of choking laughter.
I guess it was just payback for the time I started a laugh-fest because the DM decided to name the Anti-Paladin (that's 1st ed. speak for Blackguard) and big villain of the game, "Lord Darkbone."
He made us kill him prematurely, just so we would stop laughing and he could get on with the game.
I can just imagine her preceding and finishing that threat with "Owww...fuck..."
Anyway we got ambushed by a group of skeletons and violence ensued, me and the cleric took down several each and even the mage took down one with his staff as he didn't want to use any of his few remaining spells. Finally theres only one skeleton left and its the same one the rogue has been fighting the whole combat, the rogues high dex means the skeleton has next to no chance of landing a hit on him and the rogue is getting consistently poor rolls which is really starting to piss him off. We offer to help but the rogue doesn't want any of it saying he's going to finish it himself so a couple more rounds pass while the rest of us exchange banter and generally try to inspire competence in the skeleton. Finally the rogue hits for like 5 points of piercing damage.
Rogue: Is it dead?
GM: umm (checks behind his screen) yes, yes it is
Rogue: Finally!! Ok I 'm going to check out that chest we saw before we got ambushed.
GM: As you turn the skeleton stabs you in the back for.... oh critical hit..so lots of damage.
Rogue: WHAT!!! you said it was dead!!
GM: It is dead, its a skeleton
Rogues take it from behind.
Well, I should explain why we were escaping first. Our fighter, Tolken, had entered a gladiator tournament, and he did really well. In fact, he made it to the final round. However, his final opponent wasn't just some random fighter, it was the son of the Mayor. And, thus far, none of the matches had been to the death, it was just to "severely wounded," and then the loser was taken to the healers and patched up.
In this final match, Tolken was doing decent. He was probably about half-lifed, and the mayor's son had about 1/4 left. But, being an asshole, the mayor's son stops fighting, backs up, turns around and proclaims that he gives up to the officials. Being the son's mayor, the officials start to announce that the forfeit is accepted.
And then Tolken charges him, tackling him to the ground, and proceeds to lunge his bastard sword right through the mayor's son. He is very dead.
So then the guards are summoned, including the Captain (we never named him, so he was jsut the Captain). He was a recurring character, and well known for being very strong. So he addresses Tolken, reads him his rights, and goes to arrest him.
Lucky Tolken suceeds his evade, retrieves his bastard swords, and then, of course, triple 20s. DECAPITATES THE CAPTAIN.
Now, it turned out this had greater ramifications than expected. Our DM never expected us to actually kill the Captain. Why? Well, after killing him, clouds gather and darken over the arena, and a bolt of thunder strikes the Captain's corpse. A Valkyrie then appears in the arena, and the Captain's soul stands clearly visible above his own corpse. The Valkyrie then takes him, and they ascend to Valhalla.
And then, everyone turns to Tolken. And the guards bum rush him. This time, he turns tail and hauls ass out of the arena. The rest of us had been sitting int he stands, and we haul ass outside. One of us, Joe, says, "I have an idea! Get the horses and head out the front gate, I'll meet you later!" and dissapears intot he back alleys of town.
So, we get the horses, and we all book it towards the front gate. Upon getting there, we expect the guards keeping watch at the gate to begin hailing arrows down upon us, but there are no guards. However, the rest of town's barracks seem to have emptied out, and we have men on horseback chasing us, led by the Sheriff, and by a General who had been visiting for the tournament.
We manage to run through the gate, and then hear a loud BANG. I stop and look back, and the DM informs me of what has happened:
"While you guys were running through town and out the gate, Joe ran to the guard's post at the wall. He then ran the wall over to the Gate, and was able to sneak up and kill the guard's there. After you guys ran through the gate, he managed to properly cut the ropes holding the gate open. And now, the gate has closed on top of the General. And I literally mean, ON TOP OF."
So now our group has succesfully killed the son of a Mayor, a Captain of the Guard that was one of Valhalla's Chosen, and now a General.
And if you read my post over in the great rolls thread, this is the event that caused us to flee to that castle, and the army that followed us there.
The end of a particularly vicious battle in a ruined city in WH40K is probably my best gaming story. It was a game of backs-and-forths until the sixth turn, which saw the game end in a solid draw. My opponent and I say fuck it, let's play to the last man.
Long story short, it's down to one immobilized dreadnought on my side, and two genestealers on his. The 'stealers are behind the dread, so he can't do shit. They charge his back armor, and one attack comes up 6, rending my poor dreadnought, penetrating his armor. Next comes the damage table roll. Wouldn't you know it, another six. The dread explodes violently, hitting and wounding both 'stealers. Come time for saves from those wounds, they both fail.
So, to recap:
On the twelfth turn of a six-turn game, I have a useless vehicle and my opponent has two close combat goddamn monsters. He rapes the vehicle from behind, at which point it blows the hell up and kills everyone.
Technically, 'Nids won that, but we prefer to call it a draw.
hitting hot metal with hammers
An AWESOME draw.
And welcome aboard.
I was the only one to actually get hit by an enemy.
Ok. How did you guys pull that off?
Man, it always sucks when the GM decides to be a dick.
Eventually, we got surrounded and swamped, our bard came up with the initially brilliant idea to blow a hole towards the exit and run like hell, however that didn't quite take initiative into account. So, I grab the wizard and run 30', getting swamped the next turn. However, they were only two-deep or so to the edge, so I blew threw and unloaded the mage next turn.
Except the DM wasn't too clear on where exactly the umberhulks were during that time. They were right in front of us.
So, the wizard casts invisibility on herself, I get cornered by the umberhulks. There are technically ten, but only two can get into contact with me. I manage to down one, and then the next turn, I get smacked by the other.
They are then killed by a well-placed maxed fireball.
So we head off the beaten trail a bit into goblin country and, lo and behold encounter a small group of goblins with a few orcs mixed with them. Combat starts with sarg commanding the goblins to throw down their weapons if they want to live. This is quickly followed by dash saying, "I'm going to make a listen check!" even though he's all of 30 feet away from the sargeant. He rolls well above what he needed to hear our yelling leader and says, "HURRR I CAN'T HEAR YOU SARG! PTWANG." Ptwang being retard speak for I shoot bow nowz. Yes he did yell that (hence the caps) and yes, he actually did say ptwang. Goblin takes an arrow in the chest and crumples.
Our samurai, played by our resident supreme rules lawyer, runs up to the orc commander, puts his katana to the orc's neck and says, "It would be wise to listen to the sargeant." or something to that effect. Me and Rune hold our actions to see what the sarg does. Enemies take their turn, have a bit of a chat, and throw down their weapons.
Now, my character wanted nothing more than to kill these goblins, because as I said time and time again, goblins aren't people, they aren't even pack animals. So I start looking over my character sheet trying to find some way to get this boring ass uncombat turned back around towards slaughtertown. Then I notice that whispergnomes get ghost sounds as a spell like ability once a day, that with the vestige I have bound I can swap places with any willing ally within a certain range (and Rune was in that range) and that I have a high bluff check. And so a plan is hatched.
I say to Rune in Terran (a language only he and I speak) hey, I'm going to use my ghost sounds and make that bush over there sound like it's casting a spell. Be ready to switch places with me. So while people are dealing with our newfound prisoners I ghost sounds off into the bushes and yell out, "Enemy caster in that bush!" But I don't do the place swap because I'm out of actions. But it turns out I didn't need to because as soon as the goblins turn came around they all started yelling, "Shaman! Shaman!" and they all pick up their weapons. Glorious goblin and orc murder ensues, all thanks to a 0 level spell.
Once all but one of the goblins is killed, the sarg yells, "Hey, what happened to that shaman?!" And I say, "I saw him run off that way sir, me and Rune will go take care of him!" So Rune and I ride off on our dogs a ways, at which point we cackle at the murder of goblins and drink from our hidden stashes. I pass my fort saves, he doesn't. So I'm a little tipsy, he's falling off his saddle drunk. Another plan is hatched and I lay him across his saddle and tell him to act sick then I ride back into camp leading his dog. We head to the back of our little procession where I unload him into the back of one of our carts and then I go get the sarg. Note that at this point neither of us had taken any damage whatsoever.
When the sarg sees him laying there he exclaims, "By Pelor! What happened here?" And I say, "Well sarg it went like this. Me and Rune found that shaman, an orc built like a bear and twice as ugly, who proved to be a crafty foe and a monster in battle. For what seemed an eternity the 3 of us struggled in a glorious fight until we had the upper hand. Sensing his imminent defeat, he spat out some sort of Orcish curse, at the end of which his hand glowed a sickly green and oozed fel energies. Then he slapped Rune there across the face. Rune crumpled to the ground and just started puking his guts up. Enraged at the uhhh diseasification of my cousin, I found newfound vigor and slew the orc! Then I brought him back here."
Sarg then asked, "Wow. Whoa wait a second, did you say diseased? IS he contagious!?!?"
Bearing in mind I have 0 ranks in heal, I respond, "Oh no sir. Being a trained physician, and a student of both the arcane and divine arts, I can safely say that he isn't contagious. He'll just feel like crap until tomorrow. Won't be any good in a fight, but he'll be fine after a good nights rest. He should still be left alone though, air is good for the sick and whatnot."
Rune pipes in with, "Sorry to let you down sarg, *cough cough wheeze*"
A little teary-eyed, the sarg says, "You don't worry about that son, you did real good today. So what happened to this shamans body anyway?"
Remember how I said we thought a vampire was involved when we dealt with the rasts? I was the one who made that check. So I said, "Damndest thing sarg. I landed a grievous blow to the creatures head, crumpling his helm and scattering brain matter everywhere. Before the body even hit the ground it had turned into mist and flown off!"
Rune mumbles in Terran, "Don't take the lie too far you stupid sonovabitch."
With a great yell, Sarg whips out his lance and shouts towards the heavens, "I knew vampires were involved! For the sake Of Rune Waybur, a valiant and noble soldier, I swear here and now in front of Pelor himself that I will slay the vampire that has plagued this land and hurt this gentle gnome! You get better soon Rune!" And then he rode off to the front of our procession, determined to slay a creature that never existed.
Not once did I have to roll a bluff check. The dm said it was entirely too brilliant not to have it work.
TL;DR; Using a 0th level spell I got to murder surrendered goblins without any repercussions. After doing this I proceeded to get piss ass drunk with my cousin while on the job. He can't hold his liquor and I lie out of my ass to cover for us, which leads to our sargeant swearing an oath to kill a vampire that does not exist.
LoL: failboattootoot
That, my fine friend, is goddamn good gaming.
I salute you and your valiant gnomish homies.
ANNNYHOO, The party found itself on an enemy prototype airship, which was manned by spellswords and an epic silver dragon sorceror (who had been stolen from a one shot I had run a few weeks prior). Well, they fight valiantly, but get captured, of course, and are cornered on the bridge.
They had managed to get a scroll of wish (the game was ridiculous), and our artificer pirate, after managing to READ the scroll, wished that he were the captain of the ship, thinking that the crew would simply start to listen to his commands rather than the dragon (the dragon was the captain, if you didn't catch on). But, I decided to make things more interesting. I mean, it WAS a wish spell, and thus I could kinda screw around as much as I wanted within the wish parameters, so I did a soul switch. The half elf artficiers soul for the epic dragon sorceror's. The ex-dragon realized what had happened, shat his pants, and ran.
I need to dig up my L5R group's "The Glory Hole" story now. Basically, it's the story of "Rokugan's Worst Samurai".
(The name comes from how he was so dishonorable in his actions, he dragged the honor down of everyone who was associated with him, like a walking black hole of honor and glory.)
On a flip note, the same campaign had *my* character, who, at the end of a year and a half of weekly play, ended up being named as a Fortune.
(Having earned "The Empress" as a two-point Ally didn't hurt things... and neither did his crazy trip to Jigoku and back, surviving the entire thing un-tainted and sane, with a side-trip in the Realm of Slaughter...)
EDIT: Found it! This was transcribed by one of the other players.
(In case you were wondering, I wasn't mentioned in this, but that's because I was at the city where his "final destination" lied, monitoring the road traffic in case he somehow evaded the other group, ready to put a arrow in his skull at a moment's notice. The story's *better* if you know that, at the same time, the Ronin magistrate and I were out cracking down successfully on a Opium smuggling ring, and the whole "court scene " was RIGHT AFTER when we were talking about our success. The same scene didn't even end.)
COME FORTH, AMATERASU! - Switch Friend Code SW-5465-2458-5696 - Twitch
Early in the campaign, we were hired by an alchemist to procure him some ingredients for a project of his. We succeeded, but his new potion was a failure, unless he was trying to turn into a crazy monster. Battle ensued. Afterwards, one of our rogues ( we had two ) decided the best way to be sure it was dead was to burn the alchemist's house down. Our paladin checked with the DM and confirmed that arson was illegal, even if the owner had become some kind of horrible sin against the Gods. So he decided to contact the city guards and have them arrest the rogue. With a bit of moxie and some lucky rolls, the rogue managed to hide from the guardsmen. He disguised his appearance and began to plan revenge...
That night, the rogue snuck into the inn while the rest of us were in the common room eating dinner. He secretly got in touch with the other rogue and shared his plan. Rogue #2 went about contacting some shifty people he knew to obtain the D&D equivalent of a roofie, and slipped one into the paladin's drink. Meanwhile, rogue #1 set out to find the ugliest orc prostitute in the city. Long story short, after the paladin woke up he spent the next couple days bathing and praying, and when he finally returned to the party he didn't even notice that the rogue was back.
Months later, after the party size had dropped from 11 or 12 people to 5 or 6. We were divvying up the loot after a session, and one of the items was 'a vial of black ooze'. I jokingly stated that my character would give anyone 10 gold to drink it, and much to my surprise, the cleric agreed. So during the next session while we're in the middle of a battle, fighting for our lives and all, the cleric decides it's a good idea to start drinking the ooze instead of, y'know, helping us not die.
Nothing happens at first.
Then he starts to feel a little sick.
Then he takes a little damage.
Then he takes a lot of damage.
Then the gelatinous cube that's been digesting him from the inside out finally bursts out of him. The cleric and most of his possessions are dissolved, and we have another enemy to fight. After the battle, my first act was to walk over to what remained of his corpse, and take back my 10 gold.
Finally, a word of advice to new DMs: never give dragon eggs to your players as a reward. We wasted an entire bloody session on "I want to smash the eggs!", "I want to sell the eggs!", "I want to raise a dragon and have it as a pet!". Never again.
We were in the courtyard of this old, run-down keep, and had just dispacthed a pair of goblins on wargs. We turned to face the new entrants to this fight: four hobgoblins and a minotaur. Hefting his mighty axe, the Minotaur left loose a massive bellow and charged.
The DM rolled a 1 to hit.
Followed by a 20.
The minotaur had killed itself.
We laughed for a good ten minutes.
And later, a Half-Orc in full plate armour failed to intimidate a prisoner, while a reincarnated badger did just fine.