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He wants me to move out... (I saw a story similar to mine here, need help!)

PhyphiaPhyphia Registered User regular
We have been together for a while (4 years I suppose). 3 of those years we have been living together.

At first, we had a good relationship, but he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he is emotionally stressful for me. My anxiety makes me stressed and depressed a lot of the time and he contributes to this, for example he will constantly wake me up when I am very exhausted and be inconsiderate like that. I on the other hand never do that to him.

The thing is, we haven't had sex in 2 years or maybe less, I don't know. I always hope things will work out for the best but he makes our relationship bad by constantly arguing with me...

To be fair, I am not as clean as I wish I was. I simply don't have the energy or time for it. I cook for us and clear up areas, but all my free time is spent on studying..

Here comes the issue, he doesn't really contribute to the household, I am supposed to clean for us both. Because he goes to work and I don't pay rent or anything, I am supposed to do everything. However, even before I moved in he had lived here paying the same rent on his own and when I moved in I had no means to pay. I paid half the rent before I started university with a part time job while doing housework though.

Fast forward, my university takes too much of my time for me to work, it is also located an hour away.

Year 1 of me living here I was hit by a car, which I got some money from . We basically shared this money, while I am also paying for university with it. However now he is saying if we were to calculate rent and food I would owe him so I cannot take the "rest" of the money I need to pay my university.

I don't have any family or friends I can stay with... Or anyone to talk to or get advice from, so this is really my last resort.

I also can't get a job here because Im living in Italy and it's a bit too difficult to get one in the area of work I want.. So I would need to move countries.

Another issue is we have a 2 years old cat, I simply can't live without him. I however feel so terrible making him separated from my boyfriend whom he loves and the house he grew up in. As well as I feel terrible making him travel with me, it seems so traumatizing and dangerous and he is the biggest scaredy cat.

I want to add that I love my boyfriend despite the fact that I feel unloved, unwanted and ugly and depressed. He hasn't initiated anything with me for so long... I try to hug him and be intimate sometimes but nothing, he will be grumpy.

I feel extremely grateful for all hes done for me as well. When my family wasnt there for me in tough times, he was. That is why when he tells me he wants me out, my world breaks apart. This home is for me the one that has felt most like home.

I can't really change my anxiety or laziness for cleaning things, I honestly can't deal with everything. I constantly have 4 hours or less of sleep.

This seems very disorganized, I just don't know how to lay all details out...

I just can't stop crying, because I feel like everything I built is being taken apart by him. He says I am taking advantage of him by staying here. Am I? I didn't think about this perspective and it makes me feel so horrible.

In the end, I should have never put myself in a situation where he is the provider. It just doesn't work like that. I am so worried that I will now be left on the street homeless, because I can't imagine a way to get through this. I don't even have a degree yet. Giving up university, which I paid almost all my accident money for is also heartbreaking. My dream is getting away from me. I also cant transfer studies, i can only suspend.

Please, if anyone can tell me what they think - pure honesty. I am not perfect, I know I'm a shit girlfriend. I just feel so unlovable right now and I don't know how to resolve this.

I may have missed a lot of details because I can't think straight, but if someone asks anything I can respond to it.

I just hope my post reaches at least one person...

Thank you, if you read this, I honestly appreciate you taking your time.

Posts

  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited December 2017
    I'd start making a solid effort into moving out. If you can't leave right now, start working towards it.

    edit: wait, he wants you to move out? take what's left of your money and go. he didn't get hit by a car.

    Xaquin on
    RainfallbowenNightDragonHahnsoo1EncNobodyPhyphiaGnizmoMoridin889MichaelLCKristmas KthulhuCambiataArbitraryDescriptorkimeJansonSmrtnikurahonky
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    That is an abusive relationship. You don't owe him anything, and he doesn't really owe you anything. A lot of those problems might have been helped with some communication about expectations in regards to going to school and rent/housework. But that's neither here nor there anymore.

    I don't think the relationship is a healthy one. I realize you love him but you deserve more than to be in a loveless relationship.

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
    NightDragonXaquinHahnsoo1EncDaenrismysticjuicerNobodyPhyphiaAuralynxKwoaruGnizmoKristmas KthulhuRainfallCambiataArbitraryDescriptorkimeJansonfurlionurahonky
  • PhyphiaPhyphia Registered User regular
    Xaquin wrote: »
    I'd start making a solid effort into moving out. If you can't leave right now, start working towards it.

    edit: wait, he wants you to move out? take what's left of your money and go. he didn't get hit by a car.

    I honestly don't even know where to start... I'm still clinging onto hope. And I do need some money if I'm to move out, since that rules out me going to university here anyways
    bowen wrote: »
    That is an abusive relationship. You don't owe him anything, and he doesn't really owe you anything. A lot of those problems might have been helped with some communication about expectations in regards to going to school and rent/housework. But that's neither here nor there anymore.

    I don't think the relationship is a healthy one. I realize you love him but you deserve more than to be in a loveless relationship.

    Unfortunately, communication with him is impossible. He closes up and just ignores me.. He also doesn't care about my point of view on things.
    I realize it's unhealthy, I just have no clue how to move out or what to do about our cat and university, It's all such a fucking bummer. Life's been such a horrid ride for me, since the beginning of time and just when things got better with university they got even worse. Having to quit and move out is seriously the last straw for me. I'm normally a very positive and strong person too.

    Should i go to a hotel for a few days or something? I don't know, he can't stand me being here because I am too upset and I can't stop crying... so he left the house.

  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    What state or country are you in? There are resources for folks in this kind of transition in many places.

    Phyphia
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited December 2017
    Enc wrote: »
    What state or country are you in? There are resources for folks in this kind of transition in many places.

    Italy

    edit: I'd start by talking to a counselor or someone at your university. they can probably help a lot more than we can (aside from those of us in Italy I guess)!

    Xaquin on
    Phyphia
  • PhyphiaPhyphia Registered User regular
    I'm in Italy right now, I am a EU citizen and I'm here legally as a student.. I don't know where I can turn to really and I feel so terrible bothering anyone.. This is all my mess and all my bad decisions in life after all

  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    Phyphia wrote: »
    bowen wrote: »
    That is an abusive relationship. You don't owe him anything, and he doesn't really owe you anything. A lot of those problems might have been helped with some communication about expectations in regards to going to school and rent/housework. But that's neither here nor there anymore.

    I don't think the relationship is a healthy one. I realize you love him but you deserve more than to be in a loveless relationship.

    Unfortunately, communication with him is impossible. He closes up and just ignores me.. He also doesn't care about my point of view on things.
    I realize it's unhealthy, I just have no clue how to move out or what to do about our cat and university, It's all such a fucking bummer. Life's been such a horrid ride for me, since the beginning of time and just when things got better with university they got even worse. Having to quit and move out is seriously the last straw for me. I'm normally a very positive and strong person too.

    Should i go to a hotel for a few days or something? I don't know, he can't stand me being here because I am too upset and I can't stop crying... so he left the house.

    If you can afford it, it wouldn't hurt. As for taking the cat away from him, that's not a big deal compared to your health and wellbeing.

    Do you have friends or family you can stay with in the meantime until you figure things out? You may have to put university on hold until further notice.

    If he won't talk to you none of this is going to improve, but the bigger question is, do you really want it to improve? What if it happens again? Also that bullshit about "how much you cost" is bunk, you're in a relationship and the living arrangements aren't a running fucking tally to be thrown back in someone's face to manipulate them.

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
    EncNightDragonPhyphiaGnizmoKristmas KthulhuCalicakimeBrainiac 8
  • PhyphiaPhyphia Registered User regular
    edited December 2017
    bowen wrote: »
    Phyphia wrote: »
    bowen wrote: »
    That is an abusive relationship. You don't owe him anything, and he doesn't really owe you anything. A lot of those problems might have been helped with some communication about expectations in regards to going to school and rent/housework. But that's neither here nor there anymore.

    I don't think the relationship is a healthy one. I realize you love him but you deserve more than to be in a loveless relationship.

    Unfortunately, communication with him is impossible. He closes up and just ignores me.. He also doesn't care about my point of view on things.
    I realize it's unhealthy, I just have no clue how to move out or what to do about our cat and university, It's all such a fucking bummer. Life's been such a horrid ride for me, since the beginning of time and just when things got better with university they got even worse. Having to quit and move out is seriously the last straw for me. I'm normally a very positive and strong person too.

    Should i go to a hotel for a few days or something? I don't know, he can't stand me being here because I am too upset and I can't stop crying... so he left the house.

    If you can afford it, it wouldn't hurt. As for taking the cat away from him, that's not a big deal compared to your health and wellbeing.

    Do you have friends or family you can stay with in the meantime until you figure things out? You may have to put university on hold until further notice.

    If he won't talk to you none of this is going to improve, but the bigger question is, do you really want it to improve? What if it happens again? Also that bullshit about "how much you cost" is bunk, you're in a relationship and the living arrangements aren't a running fucking tally to be thrown back in someone's face to manipulate them.


    I can't really afford it but I think I need to.

    I really can't leave without the cat, he is honestly the best thing that happened in my life, as stupid as that sounds. I can leave all my posessions, pcs, everything, but my cat.

    I don't have any close enough people to stay with unfortunately.

    Thank you for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it.. I needed an objective point of view on things.

    Also, this isn't the first time we have fought to the point where he wanted me out, I didn't mention that part. I even left once, moved out on my own for a few months before I started university. I had a job then though... Then I got my accident money and he kept trying to get me back. It's all so fucked up, isn't it? In any case, I'm such a fool ! I can't help but follow my heart. it just seems like it is the final time now, it has never been so sincere. He added he dislikes me many times. I mean, I would dislike the me now too, wouldn't you? What sucks is, I used to be a cool person and it got lost somewhere along the way.

    Phyphia on
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    You don't have to justify your feelings about your pet, I've always been attached to mine and it would hurt immensely to leave them.

    He's doing stuff that's really common among abusive people, isolating you and making you feel like you're worthless.

    I wish I could be more help! Reach out to someone who you're even somewhat close with might be helpful, plenty of people would be willing to help if they're asked. (It may be different in Italy, I'm not really sure)

    Also you're still you and you're still a cool person.

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
    Hahnsoo1PhyphiaKristmas KthulhuCalicaRainfallkime
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    Repeating Bowen's suggestion of getting in touch with a school counselor or adviser. Many universities have whole support systems available to help folks in your situation find new housing and obtain resources to keep going to school.

    bowenNobodyPhyphiaAuralynxGnizmoKristmas Kthulhukime
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited December 2017
    Maybe reach out to women's organizations in Italy? We have domestic abuse shelters in the US for women, I expect Italy has them as well. This is why people fear leaving abusive relationships... there's no one to turn to. And that's just awful. Google isn't really turning up too much in that regard but I'm probably not looking for the right keywords for Italy.

    Edit: this was as best as I could find - http://www.direcontrolaviolenza.it/

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
    EncPhyphia
  • RobonunRobonun It's all fun and games until someone pisses off China Registered User regular
    I know you're in Europe, but this link from the US Department of Health and Human Services has a lot of useful tips for getting out of an abusive relationship safely.

    https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

    The important thing is to prioritize your safety above all. Once he realizes that not only are you leaving but you're taking your money with you, there's no predicting how he'll react. Good luck.

    bowenHahnsoo1NightDragonPhyphiaGnizmoKristmas KthulhuCalicakime
  • PhyphiaPhyphia Registered User regular
    Thank you for the replies. I just realized that you're right about this being an abusive relationship after reading those posts... But there isn't any center here in Milan for this or I can't seem to find one. I have a feeling that Italy doesn't have these services or something or if they do It seems to be more about violence, which I can't say he has been. It's all been mental. Or if you have kids, which I don't. I'm at loss of words now, but I'll start actually making a plan to leave. Also, you guys have been really great, thanks again. I can't believe that it's come to the point where I can't talk to anyone about this, I feel so alone.

  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    I really suggest checking with your school

    PhyphiaceresEnc
  • PhyphiaPhyphia Registered User regular
    Xaquin wrote: »
    I really suggest checking with your school

    Unfortunately its not a very big school and they don't provide help like that because it's private and 99 percent rich people go there. I pay 5000 a year (the minimum) to study there. It's the only school here that has the subject i wanted to pursue so yeah... Oh well. Thank you, I might ask them if I don't find anything else !

  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    aahh gotcha

    Phyphia
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    I wish I/we could be of more help.

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
    PhyphiaNightDragonKristmas Kthulhukime
  • PhyphiaPhyphia Registered User regular
    bowen wrote: »
    I wish I/we could be of more help.

    You guys have helped me a lot in processing the situation. I feel a little more certain about what I have to do now, thank you and I hope your kindness is returned to you a tenfold!

  • Reve NoireReve Noire Registered User regular
    Controlling and mental abusive relationships really mess with your head. Once out you can't even think strait or function. You doubt yourself so much it's hard to think. You loose yourself. I'm not religious but where you are it's huge, go talk to a nun they know of lots of ideas and places may be able to go. The cat is yours, and will be your salvation and helping you move and heal. Pets are awesome heart therapy. Maybe try making a list of steps and things that you need to do to get out. Then don't think about it, just pick the 1st item and start doing it. Don't think just act. Then you'll be making progress and it will be better. You will find yourself again. If want to talk one on one on abusive relationships go ahead and shoot me a msg. You can do this, find yourself and don't quit school. You did it before, you can do it again. Italy's culture should be pretty open if you ask around for work and ideas, they love gossip and you'll find people with ideas there. Try to stay at school maybe library to study more so you are out of the house to buy yourself time to look for somewhere else to go. Good luck.

    MadpoetPhyphia
  • PhyphiaPhyphia Registered User regular
    Reve Noire wrote: »
    Controlling and mental abusive relationships really mess with your head. Once out you can't even think strait or function. You doubt yourself so much it's hard to think. You loose yourself. I'm not religious but where you are it's huge, go talk to a nun they know of lots of ideas and places may be able to go. The cat is yours, and will be your salvation and helping you move and heal. Pets are awesome heart therapy. Maybe try making a list of steps and things that you need to do to get out. Then don't think about it, just pick the 1st item and start doing it. Don't think just act. Then you'll be making progress and it will be better. You will find yourself again. If want to talk one on one on abusive relationships go ahead and shoot me a msg. You can do this, find yourself and don't quit school. You did it before, you can do it again. Italy's culture should be pretty open if you ask around for work and ideas, they love gossip and you'll find people with ideas there. Try to stay at school maybe library to study more so you are out of the house to buy yourself time to look for somewhere else to go. Good luck.

    Thank you for the understanding. My situation seems to be getting worse as he is asking me to move out immediately and I have a lot of things I have to sort - quit university, find job, find apartment where they can allow pets.. And this is becoming impossible. He is saying that he is going to ask the Landlady to end the agreement in the next month, so I have 1 month to do everything or I'll be homeless. So stressful ...

  • ArbitraryDescriptorArbitraryDescriptor Registered User regular
    edited December 2017
    Phyphia wrote: »
    Xaquin wrote: »
    I really suggest checking with your school

    Unfortunately its not a very big school and they don't provide help like that because it's private and 99 percent rich people go there. I pay 5000 a year (the minimum) to study there. It's the only school here that has the subject i wanted to pursue so yeah... Oh well. Thank you, I might ask them if I don't find anything else !

    They may not provide the services, but they may know where to point you if any exist. If they don't, try calling a bigger school to ask. There may be third party/public opportunities for students that a larger school would certainly know about.

    And if that larger school has internal support programs for their students, would it be possible to transfer there, enroll in a similar program that has course overlap?

    I don't know how far you are in your program, but if you can chip away at prereqs at a school that provides you some support, you could still stay in school, get your life restarted, then transfer back to your specialty school.

    ArbitraryDescriptor on
    Satsumomo
  • DecomposeyDecomposey Registered User regular
    Phyphia wrote: »
    Reve Noire wrote: »
    Controlling and mental abusive relationships really mess with your head. Once out you can't even think strait or function. You doubt yourself so much it's hard to think. You loose yourself. I'm not religious but where you are it's huge, go talk to a nun they know of lots of ideas and places may be able to go. The cat is yours, and will be your salvation and helping you move and heal. Pets are awesome heart therapy. Maybe try making a list of steps and things that you need to do to get out. Then don't think about it, just pick the 1st item and start doing it. Don't think just act. Then you'll be making progress and it will be better. You will find yourself again. If want to talk one on one on abusive relationships go ahead and shoot me a msg. You can do this, find yourself and don't quit school. You did it before, you can do it again. Italy's culture should be pretty open if you ask around for work and ideas, they love gossip and you'll find people with ideas there. Try to stay at school maybe library to study more so you are out of the house to buy yourself time to look for somewhere else to go. Good luck.

    Thank you for the understanding. My situation seems to be getting worse as he is asking me to move out immediately and I have a lot of things I have to sort - quit university, find job, find apartment where they can allow pets.. And this is becoming impossible. He is saying that he is going to ask the Landlady to end the agreement in the next month, so I have 1 month to do everything or I'll be homeless. So stressful ...

    You can do this.

    I know it's scary and stressful, I have been exactly where you are. I know exactly how you feel right now. The fear. The stress. The doubt. The guilt.

    But you CAN do this.

    You can find an apartment. You can find a job. You can get everything sorted. Take it one step at a time, one task at a time. You are a smart, capable person. Being with him, he has made you forget that. But how he makes you feel about yourself is a lie. Remember who you are and what you can do.

    You. Can. Do. This.

    Before following any advice, opinions, or thoughts I may have expressed in the above post, be warned: I found Keven Costners "Waterworld" to be a very entertaining film.
    EncRobonunBhowRainfallKristmas KthulhuTemporal ParadoxNightDragonAngelHedgieAtaxrxes
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