We have been together for a while (4 years I suppose). 3 of those years we have been living together.
At first, we had a good relationship, but he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he is emotionally stressful for me. My anxiety makes me stressed and depressed a lot of the time and he contributes to this, for example he will constantly wake me up when I am very exhausted and be inconsiderate like that. I on the other hand never do that to him.
The thing is, we haven't had sex in 2 years or maybe less, I don't know. I always hope things will work out for the best but he makes our relationship bad by constantly arguing with me...
To be fair, I am not as clean as I wish I was. I simply don't have the energy or time for it. I cook for us and clear up areas, but all my free time is spent on studying..
Here comes the issue, he doesn't really contribute to the household, I am supposed to clean for us both. Because he goes to work and I don't pay rent or anything, I am supposed to do everything. However, even before I moved in he had lived here paying the same rent on his own and when I moved in I had no means to pay. I paid half the rent before I started university with a part time job while doing housework though.
Fast forward, my university takes too much of my time for me to work, it is also located an hour away.
Year 1 of me living here I was hit by a car, which I got some money from . We basically shared this money, while I am also paying for university with it. However now he is saying if we were to calculate rent and food I would owe him so I cannot take the "rest" of the money I need to pay my university.
I don't have any family or friends I can stay with... Or anyone to talk to or get advice from, so this is really my last resort.
I also can't get a job here because Im living in Italy and it's a bit too difficult to get one in the area of work I want.. So I would need to move countries.
Another issue is we have a 2 years old cat, I simply can't live without him. I however feel so terrible making him separated from my boyfriend whom he loves and the house he grew up in. As well as I feel terrible making him travel with me, it seems so traumatizing and dangerous and he is the biggest scaredy cat.
I want to add that I love my boyfriend despite the fact that I feel unloved, unwanted and ugly and depressed. He hasn't initiated anything with me for so long... I try to hug him and be intimate sometimes but nothing, he will be grumpy.
I feel extremely grateful for all hes done for me as well. When my family wasnt there for me in tough times, he was. That is why when he tells me he wants me out, my world breaks apart. This home is for me the one that has felt most like home.
I can't really change my anxiety or laziness for cleaning things, I honestly can't deal with everything. I constantly have 4 hours or less of sleep.
This seems very disorganized, I just don't know how to lay all details out...
I just can't stop crying, because I feel like everything I built is being taken apart by him. He says I am taking advantage of him by staying here. Am I? I didn't think about this perspective and it makes me feel so horrible.
In the end, I should have never put myself in a situation where he is the provider. It just doesn't work like that. I am so worried that I will now be left on the street homeless, because I can't imagine a way to get through this. I don't even have a degree yet. Giving up university, which I paid almost all my accident money for is also heartbreaking. My dream is getting away from me. I also cant transfer studies, i can only suspend.
Please, if anyone can tell me what they think - pure honesty. I am not perfect, I know I'm a shit girlfriend. I just feel so unlovable right now and I don't know how to resolve this.
I may have missed a lot of details because I can't think straight, but if someone asks anything I can respond to it.
I just hope my post reaches at least one person...
Thank you, if you read this, I honestly appreciate you taking your time.