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How to turn 'em down
celandine
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
You have a first date. Results: meh. How do you avoid having a second date?
This seems to be happening to me all the time now and I don't know how best to handle it without hurting anyone's feelings. The guys get sad and resentful if I just don't answer their calls or emails. If I say, "I'm busy, but maybe later" they take it literally and ask when I'll be free next. My usual modes of evasion are not working.
Right now, the dude in question seems to be a nice enough guy. Nothing wrong with him, I'm just not in love with him. I'm starting to wonder if I'm too picky, but I'd really prefer not to keep going out with him.
Advice??
This seems to be happening to me all the time now and I don't know how best to handle it without hurting anyone's feelings. The guys get sad and resentful if I just don't answer their calls or emails. If I say, "I'm busy, but maybe later" they take it literally and ask when I'll be free next. My usual modes of evasion are not working.
Right now, the dude in question seems to be a nice enough guy. Nothing wrong with him, I'm just not in love with him. I'm starting to wonder if I'm too picky, but I'd really prefer not to keep going out with him.
Advice??
I write about math here:
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
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"I had a good time, but I just don't think it's there." or something to the effect.
Thread over. Thanks!
Not answering them is a shitty way out so just try and be straight with them. If they are effectively strangers then their feelings wont be that hurt. If they are people you know but aren't into that way then why go on dates in the first place?
I'm also sure that most people don't fall in love after one date :P
I want to know more PA people on Twitter.
Just say something along the lines that you aren't feeling any chemistry between you, and that while you don't dislike them you don't want to continue dating them either. They aren't going to be happy about it, but that's going to be true no matter how you go about it, and this way they won't feel you've been stringing them along or giving them mixed signals or anything.
I guess honesty.
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
It is the best policy.
But yes, OP, please be straightforward. "Letting 'em down easy" is too often confused with "being evasive and therefore inadvertently emotionally disingenuous". In short, you're leading them on, which, while I'm sure you have no ill intentions, only serves to make you the bad girl or guy.
Don't be overly verbose with it, either.
is just about perfect.
I mean, hey- sometimes it just doesn't click, and if he's not 14 then he'll probably understand this (and he'll probably respect the directness and lack of 'playing games').
Of course, you don't have to make the first move. If the dude doesn't call you or try to set up a second date, he might feel the same way as you do.
One thing, though -- you say "he's nice, but I don't love him." That's a bit weird, IMO, because most people don't fall in love with someone much after 1 date. Usually they have a good feeling about the person, of course, so it might just be a question of word choice. So you shouldn't feel bad that you don't dig the dude, but if you're going on a lot of dates with guys you don't want to date after the first, you may want to spend some time w/o dating to see what it is that you actually want out of a relationship at this point.
You don't have to be a blunt and heartless bastard about it, but a simple "I had a good time, but I just didn't feel a connection" or whatever is infinitely better than leading them on and/or leaving them in limbo.
Also, never leave them an opening for further dates unless you mean it. While I'd imagine most would get the hint that you don't... best to hedge your bets and just not go there unless you actually mean to leave that door open.
And while this isn't necessary, if there is some glaring reason WHY you don't want a second date, you may want to be nice and let them know (within reason). If this person has a string of first dates but doesn't know why, they could do worse than getting a bit of info that might actually help them improve their lot in life.
If they give off creepy axe murderer vibe, then feel free to disregard everything above... there's always exceptions!
Nothing wrong with your approach, but the "maybe later" part has to go. They'll catch on, but don't feel bad about turning them down, it's part of the game. Also being honest and telling them what is it that you didn't like, as long as it's something they can change (no you are too short, asian or stuff like that), is cool.
Wonder how to turn off a guy? Start talking about your ex A WHOLE LOT all the time. Also talk about your celebrity crushes a whole lot, specially effective if you mention Edward and/or Jacob
let me put it this way. He'd make a fine friend, but usually if you want to date someone there's a little "something extra." The nasty truth is that I already know people who are smarter and more interesting than he is. Not the guy's fault, but some people are just more exciting company than others.
He gets one more date (he wheedled it out of me) and then the nice clean break. Thanks, all.
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
You're an adult, or old enough to fake it. Be direct without being awful. Any man that can't handle that isn't someone you want to spend time with.
If you want other advice, I could tell you what I tell people who come to me for technical advice: "Punch him in the nuts and run."
it would probably take a couple dates before the guys really start coming out of their shell
But there must be a spark from the beginning, it should be fun, not a chore
Got it.
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don't make a big production
Don't make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you've gone together for only a short time,
And haven't been too serious,
There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she prefers the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you're honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you brake the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he'll appreciate the kind of straight forward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he's a real jerk or a cry baby you'll remain friends
pretty much all of this. don't be evasive and avoid the guy, be up front and honest about it.
Just so you know, your usual modes of evasion kind of make you a dick. I really don't like it when people do the latter. The former is a poor way to handle it, but the latter is leading people on, and that's definitely not cool.
so, you know, honesty IS the best policy, but it doesn't always work because some men are desperate.
Yeah, but the situation would probably have just been worse if you had evaded, since he wouldn't have even gotten a clear signal of disinterest
Crazy is crazy no matter how you slice it. Which would you prefer, a few minutes of awkwardness, or him coming to your house/work/school because you never called him?
Maybe you don't want to be quite that condescending, but honest and concise is good, and as crappy as that was to hear I can't fault him for not feeling a connection with someone (even if the someone is me).
I always fucking loved this song.
as someone who has had this happen to him several times I cannot overemphasize the importance of this advice
damn, that is cold
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
This is pretty much the story of my dating life for the past couple years, and it sucks. Kudos to the OP for seeking a different way.
You sir... deserve props for this.
Well played.
Don't feel guilty about it, just stop returning his calls. If he's a sane guy he'll stop pursuing after a bit, and if he's relentless, well, that should tell you volumes about his character, and probably saved you a great deal of time, energy and most of all, future frustration you'd have to put up with.
I went out with a girl recently. Met up with her once for coffee, went out with her once, and when I tried contacting her after the holidays I got nothing but voice mail. Gave it a few days, called to see if she'd pick up (she didn't), so I forgot about her and moved on with my day.
Most guys aren't used to rejection enough; that's his problem, not yours.
"I had a nice time but I'm not that into you."
Done and done.