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Les [Chat]s des Maldoror

ElendilElendil Registered User regular
edited December 2010 in Debate and/or Discourse
There exists an insect men foster at their own expense. They owe it nothing yet they fear
it. This insect, which does not care for wine but prefers blood, would, were its lawful
needs not satisfied, be capable (by an occult power) of becoming big as an elephant and
trampling men like ears of corn. One must also note how they respect it, how they surround
it with canine veneration, how highly they esteem it above the animals of creation. They
give it the head for a throne and it hooks its claws into the roots of the hair, with
dignity. Later, when plump and well advanced in years, it is--to emulate the custom of
bygone peoples--killed, in order to be spared the onslaughts of old age. They give it, as
unto a hero, imposing obsequies, and the coffin conveying it straight to the cover of the
tomb is carried shoulder-high by the leading citizens. Upon the damp soil which with
skilled shovel the gravedigger turns over they turn multicolored phrases concerning the
immortality of the soul, the nothingness of life, the inexplicable will of Providence--and
the marble closes shut forever on this laboriously filled existence now no more than a
corpse. The crowd disperses and the shades of night quite soon cover the cemetary walls.

But console yourselves, humans, for this painful loss. Here, advancing, comes the
innumerable family it has bountifully bequeathed to you, that your despair might be less
bitter, and assuaged by the agreeable presence of these peevish little freaks which will
duly grow into splendid lice endowed with remarkable beauty, monsters with the look of the
sage. It brooded with maternal wing over several dozen cherished eggs, in your hair--dried
up by the eager suction of such formidable strangers. The time promptly came when the eggs
hatched. Be not alarmed, these youthful philosophers will not take long growing into this
ephemeral life. They will grow so much they'll make you feel it--with their claws and
suckers.

You others do not know why they don't devour your headbones but content themselves with
extracting with due pomp the quintessence of your blood. Wait a moment, I shall tell you:
it is because they lack the strength. Be assured that if their jaws were proportionate to
their infinite desires, your brains, retinas, spines, the whole body, would be consumed.
Like a drop of water. Take a microscope and observe a louse at work on the head of a
street-beggar: you will be amazed. Unfortunately, these raiders of the long-haired scalp
are small. Of no avail to conscript them: they are not of the necessary height required by
law. They belong to that Lilliputian world of the stunted, and the blind do not hesitate
to rank them among the infinitely tiny. Alas for the whale that fights a flea, it would be
devoured in the twinkling of an eye, despite its size. Not even the tail would be left to
tell the tail. The elephant lets itself be stroked. But not the tick. I don't advise you
to try out this perilous test. Beware if your hand be hairy--or simply made of flesh and
bone. Your fingers would be finished. They'd crack as if put to torture. The skin would
disappear as if by strange magic. Lice are incapable of wreaking as much ill as their
imaginations contemplate. If you find a louse in your way, be off and do not lick the
papillae of its tongue. You would meet with an accident. That has been known. No matter,
I am already content with the amount of harm the louse does to you, O human race; I only
wish it could do more.

For how long will you maintain the decrepit cult of this god who is impervious to your
prayers and the generous offerings you proffer him in expiatory holocaust? Look, this
horrible manitou is not beholden to you for the great bowls of blood and brains you spill
upon those piously bedecked, flower-wreathed altars of his. He is not grateful. . . for
earthquakes and tempests have continued to rage from the Beginning. And yet (spectacle
worth noting), the more indifferent he proves himself, the more you admire him. It's clear
that you mistrust his attributes--which he conceals; and your argument rests on the
assumption that only a deity of extreme power can display such contempt towards the
faithful who submit to his worship. For this reason, in every land diverse gods are
extant--here the crocodile, there the whore--but when it comes to the louse, that sacred
name, all peoples, universally kissing the chains of their slavery, together kneel down in
the majestic court before the pedestal of the misshapen, bloodthirsty idol. That nation not
obeying its own instincts for grovelling, and which made a show of revolt, would sooner or
later disappear from the earth like an autumn leaf annihilated by the vengeance of that
inexorable god.

O louse with shriveled eye--as long as rivers spill their shelving waters into the abysses
of the sea; as long as the stars gravitate along their orbits' paths; as long as the mute
void has no horizon; as long as humanity rends its own flanks in deadly wars; as long as
divine justice casts its vengeful bolts upon the selfish globe; as long as man disregards
his Creator and (not without reason) flouts him, so doing with some contempt--your reign
over the universe will be assured, and your dynasty extend from age to age. I salute you,
rising sun, celestial liberator, you invisible enemy of man. Continue telling Filth to
unite with man in tainted embraces and to swear to him by oaths not blown to dust that she
shall remain his faithful lover for eternity. From time to time, kiss this grand wanton's
robe, in memory of the important services she does not fail to render you. If she did not
seduce man with her lascivious teats, probably you could not exist--you, the product of
this rational and consistent coupling. O son of Filth! tell your mother that if she
abandons man's bed to wander alone and friendless along desolate ways she will see her
existence imperiled. May the bowels which bore you nine months in their perfumed maw stir
a moment at the thought of the dangers that their tender fruit (fruit so nice, tranquil,
but already cold and ferocious) would consequently encounter. Filth, mighty empress,
preserve for my hate's eyes the sight of your famished progeny and the imperceptible
increase of their muscles. To attain this end you know you need only glue yourself closer
to man's flanks. This you can do conveniently enough for decorum, since both of you have
long been married.

For myself, if I may be allowed to add a few words to this hymn of glorification, I shall
speak of the pit I have had dug, forty leagues square and correspondingly deep. Therein
lies in foul virginity a living mine of of lice. It fills the bottom layers of the pit,
and thence writhes in vast dense veins in every direction. Here's how I built this
artificial mine. I snatched a female louse from the hair of humanity. Three successive
nights I was seen to lie with her, and then I cast her into the pit. Human fertilization,
which would have been ineffective in other such cases, was this time accepted by fate, and
a few days afterward thousands of monsters swarming in a compact knot of matter saw the
light of day. This loathsome cluster became in time more and more immense, all the while
acquiring the liquid attribute of mercury, and spread out in several tributaries which now
feed upon themselves (the birthrate is higher than the mortality rate) whenever I do not
throw them for fodder a newborn bastard whose death its mother desired, or an arm that
during the night, thanks to chloroform, I am going to hack from some young girl. Every fifteen
years the generations of lice that feed on man appreciably decrease and themselves foretell
infallibly the impending era of their complete destruction. For man, more intelligent than his
enemy, manages to conquer him. Well then, with devilish shovel which increases my strength,
quarry lumps of lice big as mountains from this inexhaustible mine, break them up with axe
blows, and transport them at dead of night into the main thoroughfares of cities. There, on
contact with human temperature, they split up as in their first formative days in the tortuous
galleries of the subterranean mine, dig themselves beds in the gravel, and stream into human
dwellings like harmful spirits. The house guardian barks dully, for it seems to him that a
legion of unknown beings is piercing the pores of the walls and bringing terror to the sleepers'
bedsides. Perhaps, unwittingly, you have heard at least once in your life this sort of doleful,
drawn-out howl. He tries with helpless eyes to penetrate the darkness of the night, for his dog's
brain cannot understand it--this hum irritating him--and he feels betrayed. Millions of enemies
thus sweep down on every city like a cloud of locusts. Enough for fifteen years. They will combat
man, inflicting burning wounds upon him. After this space of time I shall send others. When I
am crushing the lumps of live matter, one fragment may happen to be denser than another.
Its atoms struggle furiously to detach their cluster in order to go about tormenting humanity;
but cohesion in its harness resists. By a supreme convulsion they generate such a stress that
the stone, unable to disperse its living constituents, hurls itself high into the skies as if blown up
by gunpowder and falls back, burying itself deep below the soil. Sometimes the musing peasant
perceives a meteorite cleave vertically through space, heading at its lowest point for a field of
maize. He does not know whence comes the stone. You now have a clear and succinct explanation
of the phenomenon.

Were the earth covered in lice like grains of sand on the seashore, the human race would be
annihilated, stricken with terrible grief. What a sight! And I, with angel's wings, motionless in
the air to view it!

Elendil on
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Posts

  • descdesc destroy all false poseur trend metal Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
  • MazzyxMazzyx Changing the World Order. Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Wordy [chat] is wordy.

    falasig.png
  • NocturneNocturne Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Tycho wrote:
    The last time my father left, for real this time, the legal document that came to define our relationship decreed that I had to go there every other weekend. I'm not especially good at being told what to do, by anybody, and neither is he, so when I'd go to the trailer he lived in to angrily serve out my sentence he was rarely ever there.

    I did what any eighteen year old would do in this situation: I took advantage of his deep roster of top shelf liquor, perused his library of intense VHS erotica, and played darts. I would also take huge stacks of his CDs home to pawn. At the time, I felt like we were more or less coming out even.

    Ahahaha I don't know why I loved this so much. I get a very Douglas Adams vibe from it.

  • ThomamelasThomamelas Bro!Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    So glad to have all of my Christmas shopping done.

  • NerdgasmicNerdgasmic __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2010
    eff books

    @nealcm @faynor
    nerdgasmic.gif1420 6068 6113 - XBL Atomoclassic
  • descdesc destroy all false poseur trend metal Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Oh also:
    Man this is going to sound nuts but being depressed and having a mental illness has been part of my identity for so long that there will be a void if this is all under control on the new dosages and I feel fine.

    It's like you're the first person to step foot on an unexplored new continent, though!

    You can plant down your flag and yell, "I NAME THIS NEW EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE SPACEQUEENCASSONIALAND! FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!"

  • MazzyxMazzyx Changing the World Order. Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Nerdgasmic wrote: »
    eff books

    You are dead to me.

    falasig.png
  • MrMisterMrMister Valuing scholarship above all elseRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    @whoever asked about shoes:

    don't have strong opinions on shoes really. Like the tigers most I guess, but my taste can skew immature.

  • HappylilElfHappylilElf Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Nerdgasmic wrote: »
    elf books

    I haven't written any books

    sigtk.jpg
  • SenjutsuSenjutsu fiddy too Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    tl;dr

    Sarksus wrote: »
    I'm gonna get a PhD in incest.
  • GalahadGalahad Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
  • descdesc destroy all false poseur trend metal Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Senjutsu wrote: »
    tl

    that's what she said

  • matt has a problemmatt has a problem Six pack on a dick Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Senjutsu wrote: »
    tl;dr
    This is available as a vanity plate, minus the semicolon, and I've seriously considered getting it.

    h1DI1.jpg
    All my fuckin life I lived a normal fuckin life
  • Dr Mario KartDr Mario Kart Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Just make sure your kids are depressed so they dont miss out on the depression culture

  • Dread Pirate ArbuthnotDread Pirate Arbuthnot WRIGGLY OMG WRIGGLYRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    desc wrote: »
    Oh also:
    Man this is going to sound nuts but being depressed and having a mental illness has been part of my identity for so long that there will be a void if this is all under control on the new dosages and I feel fine.

    It's like you're the first person to step foot on an unexplored new continent, though!

    You can plant down your flag and yell, "I NAME THIS NEW EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE SPACEQUEENCASSONIALAND! FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!"

    Yeah I mean in a way it's exciting and awesome

    And then in another way it's like who the fuck am I? What's my identity?

    Jesus I feel like I'm having a mid life crisis early, but this shit is probably normal

    0wSr10c.png?1
  • descdesc destroy all false poseur trend metal Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Yeah I mean in a way it's exciting and awesome

    And then in another way it's like who the fuck am I? What's my identity?

    Jesus I feel like I'm having a mid life crisis early, but this shit is probably normal

    Quarter life crises are all the rage these days.

  • AriviaArivia Registered User
    edited December 2010
    Man this MOS set is some good shit. It's three different mixes from Ibiza (1991/2001/2009) and each is toe-tappingly awesome in their own ways. Giant piano line and handclapping to british rapping yes please.

    huntresssig.jpg
  • MentalExerciseMentalExercise Indefenestrable Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    So I posted his in the tech forum, but I thought you guys might be able to help me quicker:

    Alright, I have twins on the way this spring, and I'd like to get some WoW time in before then with my teenage brother, since I won't exactly have social time after they're here. I need a new laptop to do that, but obviously I shouldn't be spending a lot on it. So can anyone point me in the right direction maybe? I'd like something above the minimum specs so the game will run decently, but like I said, money's kind of a big factor.

    It's pretty important to me that my brother and I get time together. We used to be super close, but between school, work, and babies on the way...

    "More fish for Kunta!"

    --LeVar Burton
  • japanjapan Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Senjutsu wrote: »
    tl;dr

    I used this in an email to an entire team at work the other week without thinking about it and ended up having to explain what it meant to eight people.

    I suppose I should be flattered that people actually read my group emails.

  • ElendilElendil Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    my only regret is that I could not include the man/shark love scene

    Per3th.jpg
  • AriviaArivia Registered User
    edited December 2010
    So I posted his in the tech forum, but I thought you guys might be able to help me quicker:

    Alright, I have twins on the way this spring, and I'd like to get some WoW time in before then with my teenage brother, since I won't exactly have social time after they're here. I need a new laptop to do that, but obviously I shouldn't be spending a lot on it. So can anyone point me in the right direction maybe? I'd like something above the minimum specs so the game will run decently, but like I said, money's kind of a big factor.

    It's pretty important to me that my brother and I get time together. We used to be super close, but between school, work, and babies on the way...

    Any laptop with an nVidia or AMD graphics chipset (even with shared memory) should do WoW just fine.

    huntresssig.jpg
  • japanjapan Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Actually now that I think about it maybe including a tl;dr at the end of group emails is something that I should be encouraging. It would certainly be a timesaver.

  • NocturneNocturne Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Galahad wrote: »
    Now I itch.

    This reminds me, it's a pet peeve of mine when people use the word "itch" when they mean "scratch"

    No you are not itching your leg, you are scratching it because it itches

  • SenjutsuSenjutsu fiddy too Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    So I posted his in the tech forum, but I thought you guys might be able to help me quicker:

    Alright, I have twins on the way this spring, and I'd like to get some WoW time in before then with my teenage brother, since I won't exactly have social time after they're here. I need a new laptop to do that, but obviously I shouldn't be spending a lot on it. So can anyone point me in the right direction maybe? I'd like something above the minimum specs so the game will run decently, but like I said, money's kind of a big factor.

    It's pretty important to me that my brother and I get time together. We used to be super close, but between school, work, and babies on the way...

    cheap, gaming, laptop

    pick two

    Sarksus wrote: »
    I'm gonna get a PhD in incest.
  • HappylilElfHappylilElf Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Senjutsu wrote: »
    So I posted his in the tech forum, but I thought you guys might be able to help me quicker:

    Alright, I have twins on the way this spring, and I'd like to get some WoW time in before then with my teenage brother, since I won't exactly have social time after they're here. I need a new laptop to do that, but obviously I shouldn't be spending a lot on it. So can anyone point me in the right direction maybe? I'd like something above the minimum specs so the game will run decently, but like I said, money's kind of a big factor.

    It's pretty important to me that my brother and I get time together. We used to be super close, but between school, work, and babies on the way...

    cheap, gaming, laptop

    pick two

    Not when the case is "gaming=plays WoW" :P

    sigtk.jpg
  • GalahadGalahad Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Nocturne wrote: »
    Galahad wrote: »
    Now I itch.

    This reminds me, it's a pet peeve of mine when people use the word "itch" when they mean "scratch"

    No you are not itching your leg, you are scratching it because it itches

    What if they say itch, like its a sound effect, while they scratch?

    itch
    itch
    itch
    ITCH
    itch itch itch
    itch

  • LudiousLudious The Poopsmith A butt, where the poop isRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I have this which isn't "cheap" but it's a far cry from the 3grand that people are going to tell you gaming laptops are

  • ThomamelasThomamelas Bro!Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    desc wrote: »
    Oh also:
    Man this is going to sound nuts but being depressed and having a mental illness has been part of my identity for so long that there will be a void if this is all under control on the new dosages and I feel fine.

    It's like you're the first person to step foot on an unexplored new continent, though!

    You can plant down your flag and yell, "I NAME THIS NEW EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE SPACEQUEENCASSONIALAND! FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!"

    Yeah I mean in a way it's exciting and awesome

    And then in another way it's like who the fuck am I? What's my identity?

    Jesus I feel like I'm having a mid life crisis early, but this shit is probably normal

    It's an interesting process of finding out.

  • japanjapan Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Daxon wrote: »

    I love the headline to this article, that is linked from that one. Something about it amuses me.

  • SenjutsuSenjutsu fiddy too Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Senjutsu wrote: »
    So I posted his in the tech forum, but I thought you guys might be able to help me quicker:

    Alright, I have twins on the way this spring, and I'd like to get some WoW time in before then with my teenage brother, since I won't exactly have social time after they're here. I need a new laptop to do that, but obviously I shouldn't be spending a lot on it. So can anyone point me in the right direction maybe? I'd like something above the minimum specs so the game will run decently, but like I said, money's kind of a big factor.

    It's pretty important to me that my brother and I get time together. We used to be super close, but between school, work, and babies on the way...

    cheap, gaming, laptop

    pick two

    Not when the case is "gaming=plays WoW" :P

    I'd assumed Cataclysm would have upped the minimum specs a bit

    at best what you'd end up with is a cheap laptop that can barely play wow on middling settings, and no other games

    Sarksus wrote: »
    I'm gonna get a PhD in incest.
  • MrMisterMrMister Valuing scholarship above all elseRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Nocturne wrote: »
    This reminds me, it's a pet peeve of mine when people use the word "itch" when they mean "scratch"

    No you are not itching your leg, you are scratching it because it itches

    Everyone do the prescriptivism dance!

    Dictionary says itch is informally acceptable in that context.

  • SenjutsuSenjutsu fiddy too Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Ludious wrote: »
    I have this which isn't "cheap" but it's a far cry from the 3grand that people are going to tell you gaming laptops are

    yeah you can definitely get something decent in and around $1400

    but if cheap laptop is supposed to mean, like $600, forget about it

    Sarksus wrote: »
    I'm gonna get a PhD in incest.
  • AriviaArivia Registered User
    edited December 2010
    This would run WoW fine although you couldn't put the graphics sliders too far.

    On any of these the only time you'd see a frame rate dip would be in 25-mans.

    huntresssig.jpg
  • ElendilElendil Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    prescriptivism is so much better than the godless nihilism of descriptivism

    Per3th.jpg
  • AriviaArivia Registered User
    edited December 2010
    a gig and a half of graphics memory, 6GB ram, and an i7

    you need a third of each of those for wow

    huntresssig.jpg
  • SenjutsuSenjutsu fiddy too Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Elendil wrote: »
    prescriptivism is so much better than the godless nihilism of descriptivism

    You are wrong to hold that opinion

    Sarksus wrote: »
    I'm gonna get a PhD in incest.
  • LudiousLudious The Poopsmith A butt, where the poop isRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I know Rivs but there isn't a whole lot of in between with lappies

  • LindenLinden Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    japan wrote: »
    Senjutsu wrote: »
    tl;dr

    I used this in an email to an entire team at work the other week without thinking about it and ended up having to explain what it meant to eight people.

    I suppose I should be flattered that people actually read my group emails.

    If I got that at the end of one of ours I would send a congratulatory response. Keep it up.

    What if this weren't a rhetorical question?
  • ElendilElendil Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Senjutsu wrote: »
    Elendil wrote: »
    prescriptivism is so much better than the godless nihilism of descriptivism

    You are wrong to hold that opinion
    opinions can't be wrong, senj

    Per3th.jpg
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