Insert foot into mouth and then talk - Awkward Times

Blake T · August 2010

So SE++ Have you said the wrong thing recently accidentally called a nun hot stuff? Killed the wrong person? Accidentally wore brown shoes with black pants? Yelled out your father's name during sex?

Tell me your social faux pas that you have performed recently.

I just sent an email to friend asking if he wanted to come out tonight and ending it with "providing you are in the city (he has just flown out to do some work and I was unsure if he was back yet) or are allowed out you should come out."

He replied with, "Yeah I'm still swamped with work but as a side note, I no longer have a ball and chain."

So SE what wrong thing have you said recently.

Balefuego · August 2010

didnt we just have this thread a couple weeks ago

pyromaniac221 · August 2010

I hate it when I kill the wrong person. The apologies afterward are excruciating.

VALVEjunkie · August 2010

Balefuego wrote: »

didnt we just have this thread a couple weeks ago

zonugal made it

nuka · August 2010

Well, my dad and my boyfriend have the same name so.

Orikaeshigitae · August 2010

nuka wrote: »

Well, my dad and my boyfriend have the same name so.

oh, forums user hacksaw...

'wait, you both had that handle?'

Blake T · August 2010

Her father is Hacksaw_58.

nuka · August 2010

Orikaeshigitae wrote: »

nuka wrote: »

Well, my dad and my boyfriend have the same name so.

oh, forums user hacksaw...

'wait, you both had that handle?'

Ahaha yeah no they have the same first name, it's spelled the same too. They look very different though. Hacksaw is tall and blond and skinny, my dad is shorter and stockier and has dark hair.

I always refer to Hacksaw as my boyfriend in front of my family and as his first name/username in front of friends.

nuka · August 2010

Blake T wrote: »

Her father is Hacksaw_58.

No, my dad is 57.

nuka · August 2010

T-T-T-T-TRIPLE POST

I hate temporary losing the ability to speak. So embarrassing.

Everything I say ends up blurringalkjsdfjasdghagafg

Just like that.

Orikaeshigitae · August 2010

i just end up flapping my jaw and going 'bluh bluh bluh'

i'm not good at retail jobs

mully · August 2010

yesterday, a friend of bomb's was talking to this girl we'd just met at a party, and i had invited the girl over for ping pong some time

he said "or if you wanted, you could come to my place in coal harbour some time and watch the seaplanes land!" which would've been fine, but he finished that up with "though they'll get annoying when they wake you up in the morning."

she nervously laughed and he had no idea how she would've taken that, until she left and i explained it to him

Orikaeshigitae · August 2010

he's pretty adorable sometimes

Blake T · August 2010

Bombs was just shooting for a threesome Mully.

Henroid · August 2010

mully wrote: »

yesterday, a friend of bomb's was talking to this girl we'd just met at a party, and i had invited the girl over for ping pong some time

he said "or if you wanted, you could come to my place in coal harbour some time and watch the seaplanes land!" which would've been fine, but he finished that up with "though they'll get annoying when they wake you up in the morning."

she nervously laughed and he had no idea how she would've taken that, until she left and i explained it to him

This kicks the thread off pretty well.

laughingfuzzball · August 2010

My pastor used a rather long, rather strained metaphor about how his father had given him a "tool" that had fit his mother, but he learned the hard way that this "tool" didn't fit his wife, so he had to acquire a more suitably-shaped "tool".

It was about screwdrivers and showing affection, but apparently I'm the only one in the congregation that wasn't thinking about the pastor's penis not fitting right the whole time.

We're trying to find the most inappropriate way to tell him.

Henroid · August 2010

laughingfuzzball wrote: »

We're trying to find the most inappropriate way to tell him.

"You were talking about fitting your penis into their vaginas right?"

L|ama · August 2010

laughingfuzzball wrote: »

My pastor used a rather long, rather strained metaphor about how his father had given him a "tool" that had fit his mother, but he learned the hard way that this "tool" didn't fit his wife, so he had to acquire a more suitably-shaped "tool".

It was about screwdrivers and showing affection, but apparently I'm the only one in the congregation that wasn't thinking about the pastor's penis not fitting right the whole time.

We're trying to find the most inappropriate way to tell him.

similar thing: My physics lecturer was trying to logic his way through what happens to the frequency of oscillation in harmonic motion when the driving force is at a frequency below the natural frequency and above the natural frequency

basically like pushing a pendulum really really fast or poking it once every minute or so

so as an example he started talking about pushing a kid on a swing, and mimed it as he was talking and thinking about it, doing the case of pushing slowly first

and then: "so if the driving frequency is really high..." *mimes violent shaking*... keeps talking about it for a while, then he turns to the class and notices a few people with kind of shocked looks on their faces, then looks down at his hands
"never shake a baby"

#pipe · August 2010

I once mentioned my undying, lustful obsession with Orikae when Trillian was in the room

boy was my face doing this :winky:

Rinder · August 2010

I just found out that Triceratops may have been a juvenile Torosaurus. Hmm

laughingfuzzball · August 2010

Henroid wrote: »

laughingfuzzball wrote: »

We're trying to find the most inappropriate way to tell him.

"You were talking about fitting your penis into their vaginas right?"

Someone is pretty dead-set on sending clips to his son and making him tell him.

I want to get one of the super old members to tell him.

Nothing is more uncomfortable than an eighty-year-old making dick jokes.

Blake T · August 2010

Rinder wrote: »

I just found out that Triceratops may have been a juvenile Torosaurus. Hmm

I too heard this and I am not sure how to emotionally deal with this.

Blake T · August 2010

Triceratops were my favourite dinosaurs when I was little.

First Brontosauruses and now this?

IpseDixit · August 2010

So last year at comic-con I was showing Khoo a photo of a fat lady dressed up as slave leia

Then one of the girls in the booth saw what we were laughing at and got so mad

I wasn't embarrassed or anything I just wanted to tell this story

Butler · August 2010

Turns out this whole time the blue ranger was just running on meth.

L|ama · August 2010

Blake T wrote: »

Rinder wrote: »

I just found out that Triceratops may have been a juvenile Torosaurus. Hmm

I too heard this and I am not sure how to emotionally deal with this.

Torosaurs must've been awesomer?

Zonugal · August 2010

Oh, we are doing this again?

SO BE IT!!!!

I'll begin with a story of my most awkward moment. In the 8th grade I broke my femur in a hurdling accident during a track meet and had to be brought to the hospital. After the surgery I was held for an additional day before being released but within that day I experience my most awkward moment.

Because of my supposed weakened state I had to use a urine bottle and apparently the staff felt that was too much difficulty so they sent assistant. In the door walked a nurse to assist me in urinating into a bottle. But instead of gentle, female nurse they sent the tallest, angriest black man I had ever seen (think Me'Shell from Dodgeball for a fair resemblance).

He walked over to my bed, grabbed my penis with much force and shoved it into the urine bottle. But because of fear, stage-fright or whatever it may have been I was unable to urinate. And so for four minutes this male nurse held my penis while looking down upon me with furious eyes. I felt disappointment like none before.

During my junior year of high school I was a campaign manager for my friend who was running for student government. It was the second week into campaign that I had learned that one of our competitors had been ripping down our carefully positioned signs, and replacing them with his. I brought this to the attention of the faculty and had him reprimanded but he ended up not being kicked out of the election (I also alerted him that I was the one who had alerted them).

The final week of elections came which resulted in each candidate giving a speech to the entire school. Sadly my friend became ill the night before the speech and requested I give an impromptu speech on his behalf. So the day came and our unfavorable opponent went before me with his speech. He finished and I walked up the podium and immediately made fun of him. Everyone in the audience laughed at him, they laughed for so long at him. While he sunk into despair I gave me speech with glee.

I shared a class with him when the election results came in, my friend won. I immediately threw a desk over and started laughing at him as loudly as possible.

The next week he jumped off a freeway pass.

So while in my junior honors English class we had separate book clubs depending on which book we decided to read. I decided to read Cat's Cradle as did another girl (the only other person in the class to be in my group). But this was no ordinary girl for this female was competing against me in the class elections during that time.

We sit down one day to discuss the latest chapter when this dialogue erupts

Girl: So do you really think you can beat me?
Me: Come again?
Girl: In the class elections, you really think you are better than me?
Me: Lets not get into this right now.
Girl: I just don't see it happening.
Me: Okay, you want to do this? You want to know why I'm going to beat you? I'm a man. And everyone running besides me is a girl, so I'm going to win because the crowd wants a man on that council. It doesn't matter that you'll be a better officer than me or work harder. I am going to win because I'm a man and you're just another woman.

When they announced the results over the intercom during my last course I accepted my land-slide victory with great humility while I had my friends in that girl's class surround her screaming that she was a loser, a disappointment and a failure. She broke down crying.

The next day we had to discuss the next chapter in our English class.

Awkward...

When I was a young lad my family traveled to Disney World for vacation. The entire couple days we were there by dad kept insisting that he needed to find a newspaper to check the stocks and such, this was his primary goal during the vacation. Well on our way to the airport my dad finally got a hold of a newspaper. Unfortunately when I was younger I had problems with motion sickness and the bus to the airport was rather shaky. My dad furiously peeled back the pages of the newspaper like a child opening his first Christmas present and I merely looked at him and calmly said, "Dad I don't feel so goo..."

I than vomited on the newspaper and him.

I cried the entire flight home.

So three years ago when I was taking Psychology 101 we could get extra credit if we went in for a practice session conducted by one of the graduate students. One day I was called in. I met with the graduate student and she instructed me in all the required/legal statues that had to be followed. After that we began just talking about my day. It wasn't five minutes in that I mentioned how on my way over here I had seen a woman crying in the street. Just standing on the corner balling her eyes out. And it made me feel so good, it made me feel so satisfied.

There was a long silence in the room after that... Awkward...

But the silver lining is that the psychology department asked me to come back four more times for the other graduate students.

So my senior year of high school I was at a Future Business Leaders of America conference when apparently an incident occurred... I was chilling out in the hallway with some friends, just sitting around. Suddenly a room full of girls from my school jumped out and began shooting us with rubber bands. My two friends immediately ran away but I charged towards the first girl , shoving her to the ground. The second girl I tripped on my way into their room. The third girl turned around to see me in horror as I grabbed her throat and threw her upon the bed.

I than got real close to her and said, "I want you to remember this because this is how easy it would be to rape you." I left the room as she laid silent in shock.

Man the next day was awkward...

In my high school creative writing class I was walking in on a spectacular day. That day our teacher was going to show us Star Wars: A New Hope, as it showed off the heroes' journey and all that. But while walking in I heard a girl ask the teacher why we were watching it, he explained and than she rolled her eyes and said, "God that is such an awful film."

I immediately pointed my finger at her and screamed, "Shut your mouth you God damn whore!!!"

There was a silence in the room and we all looked at the teacher to see what his ruling on it would be. He said it was justified.

I was watching I-Robot with an ex-girlfriend one night. My arm was over her shoulder and we were doing the traditional canoodling. All of a sudden her cat jumped right onto my lap and me being scared of cats reacted, in the worst of ways. My arms spring up out of fear and in this motion I immediately strike my ex in the back of the head.

Damn cats...

Rankenphile · August 2010

Blake T wrote: »

Triceratops were my favourite dinosaurs when I was little.

First Brontosauruses and now this?

oh hell no

L|ama · August 2010

someone post nuzak's hospital one

natek · August 2010

those stories are old hat, zonny

get something new

Zonugal · August 2010

I ain't got nothing new...

Oh, but you will all probably enjoy to hear that this weekend for the fourth time I attended the training session to be a camp counselor. While there almost everyone told me to shave my mustache off because it would not only scare the children but also the parents. They even mentioned how they were now scared of me.

But I am staying strong till PAX, for you guys.

Rankenphile · August 2010

jesus christ Zonugal

freakish light · August 2010

A little one.

I guess a little background first. I work at a grocery store. A lot of people pay with EBT (foodstamps), which can't be used to buy stuff that isn't food, like paper towels or beer, and some stores make the customer separate out which stuff is EBT-approved and which isn't and do it with two separate transactions. Our register system automatically does that, and so usually whenever someone tells me it's going to be two separate transactions and one is all food stuff and one is all beer and paper products, I just say "Oh, are you going to be paying with EBT? You don't have to split that stuff up, it's easier if it's all on one."

So this guy comes up to the register yesterday, he's a black guy, and he does the same thing, putting the beer on a different tab. So, like I do with literally every other customer, I say, "Oh, is that going to be on foodstamps? You don't have to separate it."

"Foodstamps?! What's this about foodstamps!?" He digs out his badge to show me he works for the department of justice. "This is just a joint checking account! There are no foodstamps in my household."

All the while I'm trying to explain haltingly about the way our system works and just end up with a feeble apology. Oops, I guess I'm a racist now.

Zonugal · August 2010

I guess shotgunning them all at once is a little bit different than reading them spread out over 100 pages.

Rankenphile · August 2010

So I got a chance recently to do some illustration for a children's book. A guy has a bunch written and wants to pay pretty hefty for an illustrator, so I did some super rough sketches, sent them his way and waited to hear back. He was positive, but hesitant, as they were really rough, and I explained to him they were just the first part of the process, feeling out the character and the style. I'm not real used to drawing little kids, so a couple days later, I'm working on refining the design, so I decide to go down the street to the park and spend some time doing some life drawing of little kids, taking photo reference.

So there's me. A 31 year old dude that looks like me, sitting on a park bench, taking pictures of children in a park and drawing them as fast as I can, and trying desperately not to look like a pedophile, which only serves to make me look more shift and nervous.

God damn I got some ugly looks from some parents.

Zonugal · August 2010

So let me just throw this out there.

Is anyone else sort of turned on by incest? I don't mean incest within your own family but outwards. Like watching a brother make-out with a sister, even better if they are black-out drunk or don't even know about the blood relation.

Yeah? Can I get a yeah?

Macera · August 2010

Some day I'll hear a news report about Zonugal being arrested after his skin furniture was discovered, and I'll be like "No surprised there"

Zonugal · August 2010

Macera wrote: »

Some day I'll hear a news report about Zonugal being arrested after his skin furniture was discovered, and I'll be like "No surprised there"

I'll be dancing out of the house, all shackled up and everything.

#pipe · August 2010

Rankenphile wrote: »

Blake T wrote: »

Triceratops were my favourite dinosaurs when I was little.

First Brontosauruses and now this?

oh hell no

yeah there's this one guy

a palaeontologist or a fossil biologist or some shit

who proposes that more than half of currently classified species of dinosaur should not have their unique classification and are just younger or older examples of already classified species.

I remain dubious.

Blake T · August 2010

Zonugal wrote: »

So let me just throw this out there.

Is anyone else sort of turned on by incest? I don't mean incest within your own family but outwards. Like watching a brother make-out with a sister, even better if they are black-out drunk or don't even know about the blood relation.

Yeah? Can I get a yeah?

If they were two hot sisters maybe.....

Rankenphile · August 2010

#pipe wrote: »

Rankenphile wrote: »

Blake T wrote: »

Triceratops were my favourite dinosaurs when I was little.

First Brontosauruses and now this?

oh hell no

yeah there's this one guy

a palaeontologist or a fossil biologist or some shit

who proposes that more than half of currently classified species of dinosaur should not have their unique classification and are just younger or older examples of already classified species.

I remain dubious.

Get him on the phone.

Tell him I will fight him right now.

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