‘That is… a bridge. This is going to be a long day…
…Ooh, hey I think I see some tasty looking mushrooms...’
No, numbnuts, Tseng the Spanish soap star.
He looks in bad shape, and is giving us the keystone back like 20 minutes after we lost it. So Not A Spy pretty much outed himself for nothing. Sweet. Meanwhile, Mary is actually crying over this.
‘He’d call me Hairy Mary because I was the only kid in first grade with a moustache… *sniff* So many memories.’
Dr. Acula checks his watch and silently wonders how long this is going to take. So many “appointments” to keep and all.
After dodging a bunch of huge rocks that look like half-eaten donuts, we come upon this. Full of knowledge she says, but honestly I think it looks like it’s full of the slime from Ghostbusters 2. Apparently it doubles as the oldest 3-D projector in history.
‘Hey it’s Tseng. This must be his Spanish soap, Abrigo Pollos En Mis Pantalones.. Weird bloom effect and all. Thank god for subtitles.’
‘Oh man, this is going to get hot. Dr. Acula, pass the popcorn.’
‘Lolz hay guys!’
‘HOLY WHAT THE FUCK….
…I just spilled my soda all over my crotch…
…Did I have a soda?’
‘…Suddenly this got epically gay.’
‘Wait a sec, this is a rerun. I fucking hate reruns.’
After one of the most frustrating puzzles in the game, we’re finally face to face with this dick again. What nonsense is his God complex spout today?
‘Uh huh uh huh… I feel funny… Oh god, I don’t think I should have eaten those mushrooms.’
‘Whaaaaat the fuck is goin’ on here. I am freaking out.’
To sum it up, his intent is to injure the planet enough to where it’ll be forced to heal itself with a shitload of spirit energy, and he’ll intercept it essentially becoming God. To do this, he plans on using Black Materia to call a very devastating magic.
‘1-800-A-METEOR for all your planet fucking needs! Ha ha ha!’
‘Squall? My name… is Frederick Picklemier!’
‘Picklemier doesn’t like this!’
‘DELAY THE KUMQUAT FEAST, FOR WE MUST ENGAGE IN FISTICUFFS.’
Yes, anyways, this is Red Dragon. He hurts a little I guess and I’ve already forgotten what he did, so who cares anyways?
‘“Made in China”... It’s a damn import. We got screwed.’
‘Oh wait, actually it says Black Materia. I’m a bit dyslexic.’
‘SHAKE AND BAKE!’
This action causes the whole temple to rumble. The baking portion is therefore skipped entirely.
‘…God, I have a headache... What happened? What the hell are we talking about?’
‘Alright, listen listen listen... First off: Shut up. Secondly: …Give me about… three hours to get over this. Then we’ll devise a strategy which results in you staying behind to get crushed.’
‘What the toast… how long has this thing been on? This is going to cost me a fortune. My plan doesn’t cover Ancient Temple roaming.’
‘No. Instead how about I used your stuffed body for the future of Coke smuggling?’
‘As tempting as you being pulverized into a fine powder is, why the fuck would I believe anything you say?’
‘Oh, well since you said please…. NO. Now please kindly die in a goddamn fire.’
‘And you sure are retarded for thinking I’d ever want anything to do with you ever again.’
Unfortunately, you just get the previous choice box over and over until you agree. I don’t know why they give you choices for things you can’t change. It’s like the developers were sitting in a room and realized this was still an RPG and they had to give the illusion of choice every hundred lines or so, despite it meaning fuck all.
‘Oh no, I’m not falling for that again. The second I turn, it’s going to be tampon tag and in that game I always lose. Now let’s get the hell-
HOLY FRIED JESUS.’
This is Demon Gate, or so I think. I forgot to turn on the bar that shows his name because he died so fucking fast that he never even got an attack off. That shot is a result of my brand new Bahamut materia.
‘Have fun catching death.’
‘What is wrong with you, woman? You’re acting like he’s already a hero. Did you forget the whole capturing Marlene shit? You do realize that by association they have your mother too. But fine, I’ll say something.
Not A Spy… Thanks for forcing your way onto our team, being completely useless, stealing our important items, and kidnapping our friends. You’re one swell mother fucker. Now please hurry to your ultimate demise.’
‘GOD, I AM GOING TO FLAY YOU. THERE’S NO TIME FOR THIS.
Fine, read a fortune. How about, will we succeed in stopping Sephiroth?’
‘Better idea. Let’s see how compatible my foot is with your ass.’
‘Wh.. What? That doesn’t MAKE SENSE. Am I in Hell? Are dates with Mary the currency in Hell?’
‘I’m satisfied with this result, mainly because you can’t predict anything for shit.’
‘Any future without you is going to be great.’
‘Yeah, except I didn’t. Worst case scenario is we send you in there and nothing happens. At least then we can just leave you behind, so it’s pretty win-win right now. Now gooooooooooooooooooooooo.’
Really nice how he can just walk in the goddamn back door and skip the bullshit Escher-esque room and all the puzzles we had to go through.
Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?
So the whole temple seems to implode Poltergeist-style. Huzzah, Not A Spy is gone! And we have the Black Materia! Things are coming up Squall!
‘Oh, well uh… shit.’
‘Play dead! Now roll over! Thatta boy.’
The real crazy is starting, now. In addition to Squall’s weirdness in the temple, he sort of collapses here due to a massive headache or something. You’re then given control of some transparent mini-Squall for no real reason.
Well there goes all our work. This is just spectacular.
Sounds like a line from a retarded pop song. Dr. Acula proceeds to run back and forth on that ledge uselessly. It was if he wanted to just give the impression that he was trying to help but in reality didn’t give a crap.
Wow, except it is. He just handed the materia to Sephiroth.
Squall rages again, Mini-Squall control is returned and he literally begins to start slapping Mary silly. It’s pretty satisfying. We’re then presented with Dr. Acula’s one “line” throughout this whole update. I think I’m booting him from my party for being so damn boring.
AAAAAAGH. That whole scene with Not A Spy sacrificing himself already had little dramatic effect seeing that he’s only a remote controlled toy. The effect is now totally nullified when we get a new one two fucking seconds later.
Dr. Acula finally jumps into the pit and does something to Squall which makes him pass out. I like to personally think he allowed Squall to beat on Mary a bit since we all know she had it coming.
‘No.
…Wait, fuck.’
‘No. That’s retarded. I wouldn’t let you handle putting in new coffee filters.’
‘Bit fucking late for that, don’t you think?’
‘Alright well… Thanks for telling us sooner. What the hell were we, then? Your cheerleaders?’
‘Get outta my head, Charles!’
‘Excellent. Let us celebrate with sex. Loaf, get out of here… and send Jailbait in.’
‘Or we could not go, which would rock. If anything, I feel sorry for Sephiroth.’
‘There’s also that.’
‘:(, Loaf, ‘
‘Except for that time we jumped off a moving train, right? Perhaps you should think of better metaphors.’
I forsee Loaf’s next career direction as “Motivational Speaker.”
Because the truth is he’s right and you’re a jackass. No one likes finding out they’re a douchebag, but I think you need to face the facts.
See? I’m feeling quite motivated already!
‘Fine, but only because a smack upside the head by a huge steel arm would probably put me in a coma… and if that happens I could totally miss out on Jailbait in her prime.’
Next time on Final Fantasy VII: All the Ancients and whores will look up and shout “Save us!” and I’ll look down and whisper… “No.”
That's funny how easy of a time you had with the wall boss. I remember my friend, who had skipped Wutai, actually got stuck there because he was so severely underleveled and wasn't able to go back into the main Temple area to grind on random battles.
Yeah, I remember my first play through I got stuck at the wall boss and ended up way underleveled there. Took me FOREVER to beat that guy.
I know what you mean about Vincent. He's so cool too have (and has the best deathblow animation), but doesn't really say much during the story.
I'm fairly sure I'm way overleveled at this point. I did it on purpose so I didn't get stuck in ways you mentioned. Granted, I didn't expect to kill him before he hit me, but I didn't want to ever delay an update and feel like a retard because I suck. I went into the battle with Squall having Meteorain ready, then Bahamut did pretty major damage right after.
And the new party is Jailbait and Banana. Banana is the new caster thanks to his weapons with a ton of materia slots. Jailbait is kinda weak, but I kept her for good reason.
I always popped Barret/Tifa in for Yuffie due to her weaksauce level 4 limit break that maxes out at 9999. But it doesn't matter. This is probably the easiest Final Fantasy ever, I've just concluded. I can't think of a section of this game that gives me half the grief that the last dungeon in 4/6 does. Or makes me want to stab myself in the neck like Pharos did in 12.
Regardless. That was a fine update of a fine LP.
"You can use my stuffed body for the future of the planet." Is probably the funniest line I've seen in a while. Doesn't matter why; it just is.
I always popped Barret/Tifa in for Yuffie due to her weaksauce level 4 limit break that maxes out at 9999.
Which is exactly why you leave her on level 3 limits, and use Doom Of The Living - 15 hits at ~65% normal damage, plus your limit gauge charges faster.
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Dusdais ashamed of this postSLC, UTRegistered Userregular
I always kept Fury on my characters by using a Hyper. This made their Limit Break bar charge much faster, but the side effect is that they missed their attack like 5% of the time. Still, I enjoyed getting my level 3 limit breaks before the Temple of the Ancients.
Are you trying to keep Jailbait leveled up so you can show us the tournament in Wutai where you get levaiathan?
Or is it just easier to make jokes about her?
Also, regarding the Demon Gate, you actually can grind in the black materia puzzle room. I know. I had to do that on my first playthrough. The Demon Gate was the hardest boss I fought up to that point.
UnluckyThat's not meant to happenRegistered Userregular
edited March 2009
This is absolutely hilarious. Once you hit disc three though, you'll basically be seriously retelling the story for me as my disc three was\is corrupt and I could never get another copy of the damned game to replace it.
So, it'd be appreciated if you'd still keep in the plot and not let it all just become hilarious captions at around that area. I know you're not intending to, just informing you that at least one of your readers hasn't gotten that far for legitimate reasons.
The spoiler tag system you're using is working a treat btw. ^.^
Yes, my intent is to try and keep the story as intact as possible. I can't promise I'll explain it well, but I'll do my best.
I hope you didn't get your hopes up for this one. What commentary would really do such an important scene in gaming history justice? Not mine, certainly. But we must press on.
Part 19: The Return of Picklemier
And what says the peaceful serenity of nature like a jet crashed into a giant dinosaur skull?
‘I’ll put my money on at least one of them being all right.’
This Bone Village place is a bit weird. These excavators dig around these same spots forever. You’d think they’d change sites but no. They also inform you that in order to pass through the Sleeping Forest ahead (which was where Mary spoke to Squall in his dream), you need a Lunar Harp to wake it up. Apparently these harps just sort of grow in the ground or something because you have to excavate one. Not only that, but there are obviously multiples since they state Mary used one, too.
We make it through and get to the Forgotten City, which the excavators told us it was called. If they didn’t forget about it, why is it forgotten? I always liked this area. The music is tranquil, yet eerie, and it shows a very strange society that the Ancients once may have lived in. A society that’s basically one big The Little Mermaid theme party…
‘Only two. That’s a shame. Guess we’ll have to share one, JB. Just so you know, I can’t sleep in itchy clothing. Or in any direct vicinity to itchy clothing. So you’ll have to remove yours.’
‘Calm down, Squall buddy. Happens to a lotta guys… She’ll understand.
Fuck it; I’d rather make an excuse.’
‘I know this because I am psychic.’
‘Doesn’t matter. He’s a dick. Joe from SOLDIER got married, right? He didn't invite Sephiroth to the wedding, but he showed up anyway and ate the whole cake. Yeah.
He also murdered half the guests but Joe didn’t seem as phased by that. In-laws, I guess. But man, the cake…’
Sited in the Forgotten City, enjoy the comfort of privacy, security and luxury this grand residence offers. Only accessible by Lunar Harps, which take three days of excavation, so you rarely have to worry about those pesky salesmen or Jenova’s Witnesses! Features no bedroom or bathroom; however it boasts a spectacular outdoor pool and grand, majestic city underneath!
‘Yes, I did have more of the mushrooms, but don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I think I’m building up immunity!’
While Banana stares off into space, Squall heads across the hardest section of this update: Those fucking blocks which constantly make you jump backwards for no fucking reason and AGH FUCK THEM.
‘Uggh, maybe not immune as I thought…’
‘Hidey-ho, Lady! It is I, Frederick! Would you like to play a game? It is called “Catch My Sword with Your Skull.”’
‘I will take your complete lack of response as a yes! Joyous day! Prepare your cranium!’
AGH, BANANA, FUCK OFF.
‘Ugh… Did I black out again…? Whoa, what the tater-tots am I doing?’
God, look at that hair. The horror… The horror…
‘Oh you’re awake. I bet you’re wondering why I had my sword inches away from your face. Funny story, really…
Uh, there was a bee. Really big one. The Lord of the Bees.’
The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Let us pause the commentary for a moment and observe…
Materia! Jessie Materia! Quick, catch it!
Fuck! Now we’ll have to call maintenance.
It can. It is. And we’re now presented by a completely out-of-character moment for Squall, given what we’ve seen in the rest of the game. But there it is. The plot twist that shocked the gaming world for years to come. Whether or not you were happy or sad at this moment, chances are you were at least surprised.
Honestly I think I was sadder this time than I was back when I first played it since it's no longer surprise. You know what happens, you know she's not coming back. I think a big part of it is the music. It's probably one of my all-time favorite pieces of game music, which not getting to hear any of it is probably my only regret in doing this as a screenshot LP.
Seriously. Sephiroth has been quite the chatty-cathy lately.
Why can’t you just accept the good when it happens to you? This is why we can’t have nice things.
Well what the hell did you expect? She’s bleeding all over you. Viruses and bacteria are having sex in your veins. One big sickly orgy.
I mean, really now. Squall has had the personality of a lamp post until this moment. After their initial meeting in Midgar, there’s no real progression of the Mary and Squall relationship. Even on the date he acts like he’s a million miles away. She literally had to push him out the door and drag him around. Not saying he had to love her in order to be upset, but as it is, it’s somewhat of an overdramatic reaction.
Obviously this has been said many times over the years, but what exactly is stopping them from using phoenix downs or Life magic here? The main argument is that “0 hp in battle is being knocked out, not dead” but I don’t know...
‘Because you sure as hell could have fooled me.’
‘You sort of suck at acting, anyway. You’ve just been reading out of a My Chemical Romance lyric booklet, haven’t you?’
‘Ooh, ohh, I know. Swayze, right?’
After Sephiroth flies away, we tango with Jenova-Life. Mary Sue’s theme continues to play throughout this battle, which I like. Many cold based attacks which I barely took any damage from. A few summons and attacks later, she went boom. I think it’s a purposefully easy battle for players who may be broken up over Mary’s death and just want to beat the hell out of something. Wouldn’t it be amusing if it was the hardest yet and caused said players to lose, forcing them to watch the scene over and over? Suicide rates in 1997 may have been abnormally high in that case.
That’s an insult to puppets everywhere. The cast of Team America looked 100x better than Squall and had more personality. Anyways this is Jenova’s one and only line (with a spelling error to top it off) which officially begins a subset of the story that I never fully understood.
‘Come on… come to daddy… You know you wanna…’
‘Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaah. I knew death was an aphrodisiac. Quick, Banana, commit seppuku. Maybe that’ll get me to third base.’
Time to de-sanitize the pool.
You know it is actually a bit sad. Who’s going to be my verbal punching bag now?
Let’s hope no one takes to this lake anytime soon. It would be swimming in shark infested waters… But minus sharks and plus gonorrhea.
‘The part of me that loves to crochet while watching Sex and the City.’
‘Wait, I mean that part. Yeah. Makes me think of… pickles for some reason.’
What? ...Killed? Yes, they sure did a spectacular job of preventing that.
Squall is just silently cursing Sephiroth for beating him to it all. The planet deserves to die for Wall Market, if nothing else.
‘I have this strange urge to watch Heroes… Promise me you won’t let me do it!’
Alright. Here’s the lowdown. Sephiroth is searching for the Promised Land, which he seems convinced is up north. He plans to damage the planet with Meteor, and merge with all the spirit energy as it comes to heal the wound. In order to summon Meteor, he has the Black Materia, which Squall and Co. acquired in the Temple of the Ancients. While they did get it first, something possessed Squall and forced him to hand over the materia to Sephiroth.
Mary Sue figured she could stop it on her own. Naturally, the team went after her, only to show up just in time for Squall to get possessed again and nearly kill her, then only for her to actually get killed seconds later. She then drops a strange materia of her own into the waters below. Why didn’t she move? Why didn’t she run? Maybe she didn’t see what was going on, but I think it seems rather obvious that she wanted to die. To be struck down Obi-Wan style. (The writers of the game have since stated that no, she didn't go there with intent to die, but I honestly think it works better if she did.) Squall doesn’t realize this, so he goes emo, despite not showing any serious interest in her before. I guess it’s understandable. Even if he didn’t love her, I doubt he wanted her to die. Squall was also told by Jenova and Sephiroth that he’s a puppet, which we have yet to know what they meant by it.
So we’re left with a rather broken yet determined team. They’re going to continue their mission, but Squall won’t do it alone. He’s afraid of what he might do. The logical course of action would seem like he just shouldn’t go, but we all know that ain’t bloody likely.
We’re not done yet. Not even close. Time to confront Sephiroth! Tune in next disc for the exciting continuation of Final Fantasy VII!
Random thing I'd like to point out; during Sephiroth's descent, take note of his clothing in the first screen, and compare it to the rest of the screens. I'll let you guys figure that one out for yourselves...
I think it was Yuffie's reaction to Aerith's death that made her my favourite character; sure, she steals all your materia, but the fact that she shows the most emotion when a major character dies redeems her. I mean, seriously, Cid, what the fuck? You look like you're nonchalantly heading out for a cigarette. "Woah, a friend just got murdered right in front of me! ...Fuck, I need a smoke."
Also, since Great Glacier is coming up soon, make sure you grab the Added Cut materia that was completely missed out of the official guide - from the hot spring, take the southern path until you reach the next set of paths (there should be two heading west, including the one you've come from; one south; and one north-east); take the north-east path, and you should be on a screen that heads north-west. Go to the next screen, which should also be north-westerly, and you find the Added Cut materia.
Oh, and Jenova-LIFE uses Water attacks, not Ice. [/pedant]
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KorKnown to detonate from time to timeRegistered Userregular
edited March 2009
Dear god man, just link him the map or something. Those directions could confuse a GPS.
Dear god man, just link him the map or something. Those directions could confuse a GPS.
If I could find one, I would, believe me... and my nearest save file is just before the date scene, so it'd be a few hours before I reached it to take screens of it.
BlitzAce1981 on
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KorKnown to detonate from time to timeRegistered Userregular
edited March 2009
A) You don't have a save file at the end of the game? You can land on the snowboarding slope in the highwind and just walk down it to the great glacier.
its the internet. I'm almost certain there is one of them at gamefaqs.
A) You don't have a save file at the end of the game? You can land on the snowboarding slope in the highwind and just walk down it to the great glacier.
its the internet. I'm almost certain there is one of them at gamefaqs.
A) ...Good point, I do have one at the end.
I checked. There isn't. Although there is one for the ice lake puzzle...
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KorKnown to detonate from time to timeRegistered Userregular
edited March 2009
Thats so wierd, because I had looked one up when I played thru it like 3 months ago... I'll look when I get home today.
edit:
Is this it? I think it is by the link, but I can't actually see the picture:
Thats so wierd, because I had looked one up when I played thru it like 3 months ago... I'll look when I get home today.
edit:
Is this it? I think it is by the link, but I can't actually see the picture:
Which, of course, looks nothing like the actual screens you'll be running through. Basically, you need one of the paths in that clusterfuck to the far right, but it's difficult to see it on that map. I'm loading up the savefile now, so I should have an image of the screen in question within the next quarter of an hour.
EDIT - Thinking about it, you could also head to that area after getting Alexander, as you'll enter through the path you need to take; for some reason it takes you to the hot spring instead of where the Alexander materia is, and it's on this path that Added Cut is found.
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cj iwakuraThe Rhythm RegentBears The Name FreedomRegistered Userregular
Random thing I'd like to point out; during Sephiroth's descent, take note of his clothing in the first screen, and compare it to the rest of the screens. I'll let you guys figure that one out for yourselves...
Double post, I know, but here's the path from the very entrance:
A couple of screens later, you'll end up here:
4 screens later, and you reach the clusterfuck:
Finally, on the second screen, you'll be standing here, looking at this message:
EDIT - or maybe not a double post after all...
Here's a hint - hands.
Oh I see it now, I won't say anything but lulz.
There may be a valid reason for it though, as there are a few things that hint to the possibility that Aerith was meant to die later. There's two things that happen post-City Of The Ancients that will only occur if you've hacked into the game; one of which happens at the Great Glacier, and the other is an unused room that appears later on from a slightly different angle. I'll post about them during the next few updates, when they're relevant.
As to how this 'continuity error' fits in, consider the possibility that they had made an FMV of Sephiroth killing her in a different location, then got told, "Oh, by the way lads, we're killing her off in the City Of The Ancients, in this way." As a result, they remade most of the FMV (adding in the gloves in the process), then lazily pasted the first bit in. Of course, this is all just conjecture, but like I said - there's a few more things hidden away that lend credibility to this.
...and no, I did not come up with this stuff by myself; I only found out about it shortly after the start of this LP, with the exception of the Great Glacier bit.
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NappuccinoSurveyor of Things and StuffRegistered Userregular
edited March 2009
I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. Then again, this game doesn't exactly have the most focused art style out there. It could have been pure human error.
*(also, could some one explain the hands joke? I feel it going way over my head...)
2x and 4x are the two levels of Added Cut, I think?
Nope - you do a normal attack whenever you use the linked materia. For example, say you have a Steal materia that is still on 1 star; link it with Added Cut, and you have a makeshift Mug. It works with all Magic materia, all Summon materia, and most Command materia, although it doesn't work with Double Cut...
BlitzAce1981 on
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
It is well hidden, and that's the only location you can get it from as well. Not to mention the fact that since it's a Support materia, and the ground is covered in ice, it blends in rather well with the background...
BlitzAce1981 on
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Oh, my mistake. Carry on.
…Ooh, hey I think I see some tasty looking mushrooms...’
No, numbnuts, Tseng the Spanish soap star.
He looks in bad shape, and is giving us the keystone back like 20 minutes after we lost it. So Not A Spy pretty much outed himself for nothing. Sweet. Meanwhile, Mary is actually crying over this.
Dr. Acula checks his watch and silently wonders how long this is going to take. So many “appointments” to keep and all.
After dodging a bunch of huge rocks that look like half-eaten donuts, we come upon this. Full of knowledge she says, but honestly I think it looks like it’s full of the slime from Ghostbusters 2. Apparently it doubles as the oldest 3-D projector in history.
…I just spilled my soda all over my crotch…
…Did I have a soda?’
After one of the most frustrating puzzles in the game, we’re finally face to face with this dick again. What nonsense is his God complex spout today?
To sum it up, his intent is to injure the planet enough to where it’ll be forced to heal itself with a shitload of spirit energy, and he’ll intercept it essentially becoming God. To do this, he plans on using Black Materia to call a very devastating magic.
Yes, anyways, this is Red Dragon. He hurts a little I guess and I’ve already forgotten what he did, so who cares anyways?
This action causes the whole temple to rumble. The baking portion is therefore skipped entirely.
Unfortunately, you just get the previous choice box over and over until you agree. I don’t know why they give you choices for things you can’t change. It’s like the developers were sitting in a room and realized this was still an RPG and they had to give the illusion of choice every hundred lines or so, despite it meaning fuck all.
HOLY FRIED JESUS.’
This is Demon Gate, or so I think. I forgot to turn on the bar that shows his name because he died so fucking fast that he never even got an attack off. That shot is a result of my brand new Bahamut materia.
Not A Spy… Thanks for forcing your way onto our team, being completely useless, stealing our important items, and kidnapping our friends. You’re one swell mother fucker. Now please hurry to your ultimate demise.’
Fine, read a fortune. How about, will we succeed in stopping Sephiroth?’
Really nice how he can just walk in the goddamn back door and skip the bullshit Escher-esque room and all the puzzles we had to go through.
Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?
So the whole temple seems to implode Poltergeist-style. Huzzah, Not A Spy is gone! And we have the Black Materia! Things are coming up Squall!
The real crazy is starting, now. In addition to Squall’s weirdness in the temple, he sort of collapses here due to a massive headache or something. You’re then given control of some transparent mini-Squall for no real reason.
Well there goes all our work. This is just spectacular.
Sounds like a line from a retarded pop song. Dr. Acula proceeds to run back and forth on that ledge uselessly. It was if he wanted to just give the impression that he was trying to help but in reality didn’t give a crap.
Wow, except it is. He just handed the materia to Sephiroth.
Squall rages again, Mini-Squall control is returned and he literally begins to start slapping Mary silly. It’s pretty satisfying. We’re then presented with Dr. Acula’s one “line” throughout this whole update. I think I’m booting him from my party for being so damn boring.
AAAAAAGH. That whole scene with Not A Spy sacrificing himself already had little dramatic effect seeing that he’s only a remote controlled toy. The effect is now totally nullified when we get a new one two fucking seconds later.
Dr. Acula finally jumps into the pit and does something to Squall which makes him pass out. I like to personally think he allowed Squall to beat on Mary a bit since we all know she had it coming.
…Wait, fuck.’
I forsee Loaf’s next career direction as “Motivational Speaker.”
Because the truth is he’s right and you’re a jackass. No one likes finding out they’re a douchebag, but I think you need to face the facts.
See? I’m feeling quite motivated already!
Next time on Final Fantasy VII: All the Ancients and whores will look up and shout “Save us!” and I’ll look down and whisper… “No.”
Yeah, Vincent, awesome as his limit breaks are, is really boring out of battle. I vote Cid/Yuffie.
I know what you mean about Vincent. He's so cool too have (and has the best deathblow animation), but doesn't really say much during the story.
And the new party is Jailbait and Banana. Banana is the new caster thanks to his weapons with a ton of materia slots. Jailbait is kinda weak, but I kept her for good reason.
Regardless. That was a fine update of a fine LP.
"You can use my stuffed body for the future of the planet." Is probably the funniest line I've seen in a while. Doesn't matter why; it just is.
:winky:
Which is exactly why you leave her on level 3 limits, and use Doom Of The Living - 15 hits at ~65% normal damage, plus your limit gauge charges faster.
Let 'em eat fucking pineapples!
Or is it just easier to make jokes about her?
Also, regarding the Demon Gate, you actually can grind in the black materia puzzle room. I know. I had to do that on my first playthrough. The Demon Gate was the hardest boss I fought up to that point.
Uh, both really. She also has better lines. I actually tried the pagoda right after the Wutai section and I got owned but I'll want to get back to it.
So, it'd be appreciated if you'd still keep in the plot and not let it all just become hilarious captions at around that area. I know you're not intending to, just informing you that at least one of your readers hasn't gotten that far for legitimate reasons.
The spoiler tag system you're using is working a treat btw. ^.^
I hope you didn't get your hopes up for this one. What commentary would really do such an important scene in gaming history justice? Not mine, certainly. But we must press on.
Part 19: The Return of Picklemier
And what says the peaceful serenity of nature like a jet crashed into a giant dinosaur skull?
This Bone Village place is a bit weird. These excavators dig around these same spots forever. You’d think they’d change sites but no. They also inform you that in order to pass through the Sleeping Forest ahead (which was where Mary spoke to Squall in his dream), you need a Lunar Harp to wake it up. Apparently these harps just sort of grow in the ground or something because you have to excavate one. Not only that, but there are obviously multiples since they state Mary used one, too.
We make it through and get to the Forgotten City, which the excavators told us it was called. If they didn’t forget about it, why is it forgotten? I always liked this area. The music is tranquil, yet eerie, and it shows a very strange society that the Ancients once may have lived in. A society that’s basically one big The Little Mermaid theme party…
Fuck it; I’d rather make an excuse.’
He also murdered half the guests but Joe didn’t seem as phased by that. In-laws, I guess. But man, the cake…’
Sited in the Forgotten City, enjoy the comfort of privacy, security and luxury this grand residence offers. Only accessible by Lunar Harps, which take three days of excavation, so you rarely have to worry about those pesky salesmen or Jenova’s Witnesses! Features no bedroom or bathroom; however it boasts a spectacular outdoor pool and grand, majestic city underneath!
While Banana stares off into space, Squall heads across the hardest section of this update: Those fucking blocks which constantly make you jump backwards for no fucking reason and AGH FUCK THEM.
AGH, BANANA, FUCK OFF.
God, look at that hair. The horror… The horror…
Uh, there was a bee. Really big one. The Lord of the Bees.’
The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Let us pause the commentary for a moment and observe…
Materia! Jessie Materia! Quick, catch it!
Fuck! Now we’ll have to call maintenance.
It can. It is. And we’re now presented by a completely out-of-character moment for Squall, given what we’ve seen in the rest of the game. But there it is. The plot twist that shocked the gaming world for years to come. Whether or not you were happy or sad at this moment, chances are you were at least surprised.
Honestly I think I was sadder this time than I was back when I first played it since it's no longer surprise. You know what happens, you know she's not coming back. I think a big part of it is the music. It's probably one of my all-time favorite pieces of game music, which not getting to hear any of it is probably my only regret in doing this as a screenshot LP.
Seriously. Sephiroth has been quite the chatty-cathy lately.
Why can’t you just accept the good when it happens to you? This is why we can’t have nice things.
Well what the hell did you expect? She’s bleeding all over you. Viruses and bacteria are having sex in your veins. One big sickly orgy.
I mean, really now. Squall has had the personality of a lamp post until this moment. After their initial meeting in Midgar, there’s no real progression of the Mary and Squall relationship. Even on the date he acts like he’s a million miles away. She literally had to push him out the door and drag him around. Not saying he had to love her in order to be upset, but as it is, it’s somewhat of an overdramatic reaction.
Obviously this has been said many times over the years, but what exactly is stopping them from using phoenix downs or Life magic here? The main argument is that “0 hp in battle is being knocked out, not dead” but I don’t know...
After Sephiroth flies away, we tango with Jenova-Life. Mary Sue’s theme continues to play throughout this battle, which I like. Many cold based attacks which I barely took any damage from. A few summons and attacks later, she went boom. I think it’s a purposefully easy battle for players who may be broken up over Mary’s death and just want to beat the hell out of something. Wouldn’t it be amusing if it was the hardest yet and caused said players to lose, forcing them to watch the scene over and over? Suicide rates in 1997 may have been abnormally high in that case.
That’s an insult to puppets everywhere. The cast of Team America looked 100x better than Squall and had more personality. Anyways this is Jenova’s one and only line (with a spelling error to top it off) which officially begins a subset of the story that I never fully understood.
Time to de-sanitize the pool.
You know it is actually a bit sad. Who’s going to be my verbal punching bag now?
Let’s hope no one takes to this lake anytime soon. It would be swimming in shark infested waters… But minus sharks and plus gonorrhea.
What? ...Killed? Yes, they sure did a spectacular job of preventing that.
Squall is just silently cursing Sephiroth for beating him to it all. The planet deserves to die for Wall Market, if nothing else.
Alright. Here’s the lowdown. Sephiroth is searching for the Promised Land, which he seems convinced is up north. He plans to damage the planet with Meteor, and merge with all the spirit energy as it comes to heal the wound. In order to summon Meteor, he has the Black Materia, which Squall and Co. acquired in the Temple of the Ancients. While they did get it first, something possessed Squall and forced him to hand over the materia to Sephiroth.
Mary Sue figured she could stop it on her own. Naturally, the team went after her, only to show up just in time for Squall to get possessed again and nearly kill her, then only for her to actually get killed seconds later. She then drops a strange materia of her own into the waters below. Why didn’t she move? Why didn’t she run? Maybe she didn’t see what was going on, but I think it seems rather obvious that she wanted to die. To be struck down Obi-Wan style. (The writers of the game have since stated that no, she didn't go there with intent to die, but I honestly think it works better if she did.) Squall doesn’t realize this, so he goes emo, despite not showing any serious interest in her before. I guess it’s understandable. Even if he didn’t love her, I doubt he wanted her to die. Squall was also told by Jenova and Sephiroth that he’s a puppet, which we have yet to know what they meant by it.
So we’re left with a rather broken yet determined team. They’re going to continue their mission, but Squall won’t do it alone. He’s afraid of what he might do. The logical course of action would seem like he just shouldn’t go, but we all know that ain’t bloody likely.
We’re not done yet. Not even close. Time to confront Sephiroth! Tune in next disc for the exciting continuation of Final Fantasy VII!
I think it was Yuffie's reaction to Aerith's death that made her my favourite character; sure, she steals all your materia, but the fact that she shows the most emotion when a major character dies redeems her. I mean, seriously, Cid, what the fuck? You look like you're nonchalantly heading out for a cigarette. "Woah, a friend just got murdered right in front of me! ...Fuck, I need a smoke."
Also, since Great Glacier is coming up soon, make sure you grab the Added Cut materia that was completely missed out of the official guide - from the hot spring, take the southern path until you reach the next set of paths (there should be two heading west, including the one you've come from; one south; and one north-east); take the north-east path, and you should be on a screen that heads north-west. Go to the next screen, which should also be north-westerly, and you find the Added Cut materia.
Oh, and Jenova-LIFE uses Water attacks, not Ice. [/pedant]
Pokemon Safari - Sneasel, Pawniard, ????
If I could find one, I would, believe me... and my nearest save file is just before the date scene, so it'd be a few hours before I reached it to take screens of it.
Pokemon Safari - Sneasel, Pawniard, ????
A) ...Good point, I do have one at the end.
edit:
Is this it? I think it is by the link, but I can't actually see the picture:
Pokemon Safari - Sneasel, Pawniard, ????
Which, of course, looks nothing like the actual screens you'll be running through. Basically, you need one of the paths in that clusterfuck to the far right, but it's difficult to see it on that map. I'm loading up the savefile now, so I should have an image of the screen in question within the next quarter of an hour.
EDIT - Thinking about it, you could also head to that area after getting Alexander, as you'll enter through the path you need to take; for some reason it takes you to the hot spring instead of where the Alexander materia is, and it's on this path that Added Cut is found.
I'm not seeing it.
A couple of screens later, you'll end up here:
4 screens later, and you reach the clusterfuck:
Finally, on the second screen, you'll be standing here, looking at this message:
EDIT - or maybe not a double post after all...
Here's a hint - hands.
I never, ever noticed that.
Oh I see it now, I won't say anything but lulz.
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Me on Twitch!
Haha,
Fuck you, owlbeast. It's smooth sailing from here. It'll probably get harder to stay funny but damn it, I'm going to finish just to prove that I can.
And thanks for the tips about the glacier. I really hate that area. I planned on calling it good as long as I could get Alexander.
There may be a valid reason for it though, as there are a few things that hint to the possibility that Aerith was meant to die later. There's two things that happen post-City Of The Ancients that will only occur if you've hacked into the game; one of which happens at the Great Glacier, and the other is an unused room that appears later on from a slightly different angle. I'll post about them during the next few updates, when they're relevant.
As to how this 'continuity error' fits in, consider the possibility that they had made an FMV of Sephiroth killing her in a different location, then got told, "Oh, by the way lads, we're killing her off in the City Of The Ancients, in this way." As a result, they remade most of the FMV (adding in the gloves in the process), then lazily pasted the first bit in. Of course, this is all just conjecture, but like I said - there's a few more things hidden away that lend credibility to this.
...and no, I did not come up with this stuff by myself; I only found out about it shortly after the start of this LP, with the exception of the Great Glacier bit.
*(also, could some one explain the hands joke? I feel it going way over my head...)
Loving the LP though
Nope - you do a normal attack whenever you use the linked materia. For example, say you have a Steal materia that is still on 1 star; link it with Added Cut, and you have a makeshift Mug. It works with all Magic materia, all Summon materia, and most Command materia, although it doesn't work with Double Cut...
No joke, just pointing out how Sephiroth isn't wearing gloves in the first shot whereas he is in the rest.