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Best Friend (girl) vs Wife
jeddy lee
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So... I guess I'm not really looking for advice, but I don't really have another outlet for this kind of thing, as most of my friends are close to my wife as well, but when I was visiting my home town this week, and went out with my best friend from the last 11 years, she informed me she is in love with me.
Thing is, I think I love her too, or I did. I spent years wanting to date her, and I new she had feelings for me, but through various circumstances and bad choices and awkwardness, we never got around to it. By the time I wanted to spill my guts and say lets take friendship to the next level, she was dating another guy. Then she broke up with him and I was with another girl (who is now my wife). She broke up with him 2days before my wedding in which she made our wedding cake.
She explained that she doesn't want to break up my marriage, and knows I am happy, but she felt she needed to tell me that so she could move on. I pretty much told her the same thing. We agreed to always be there for eachother and that fate and circumstance just didn't have it in the cards.
So... yeah. I needed to tell someone, and you guys are my anonymous internet pals, and I didn't want to bog down any other thread. It's just been in my gut all day, and all I can think is about how right for me she is, but how happy I am in my marriage.
I am absolutely not considering ending my marriage, I just needed to get all this off my chest, as best friend is who I would normally go to with something like this.
Thing is, I think I love her too, or I did. I spent years wanting to date her, and I new she had feelings for me, but through various circumstances and bad choices and awkwardness, we never got around to it. By the time I wanted to spill my guts and say lets take friendship to the next level, she was dating another guy. Then she broke up with him and I was with another girl (who is now my wife). She broke up with him 2days before my wedding in which she made our wedding cake.
She explained that she doesn't want to break up my marriage, and knows I am happy, but she felt she needed to tell me that so she could move on. I pretty much told her the same thing. We agreed to always be there for eachother and that fate and circumstance just didn't have it in the cards.
So... yeah. I needed to tell someone, and you guys are my anonymous internet pals, and I didn't want to bog down any other thread. It's just been in my gut all day, and all I can think is about how right for me she is, but how happy I am in my marriage.
I am absolutely not considering ending my marriage, I just needed to get all this off my chest, as best friend is who I would normally go to with something like this.
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That's really all you need to know. She is acting out a horrible Julia Roberts rom-com. Real life is not a rom-com.
Thirded.
They are still very young..so I'm not that surprised someone would say/do something like that. Not necessarily fully aware of the consequences.
Now if it was late 20s or 30s..slightly different story.
Popping it out of the blue is pretty much a dick move because instead of being a "get this off my chest and wish them the best," it's "this bugs me and I'm going to feel better by telling the person -- without really caring about how it will affect them."
Now, I assume that she told you this in much the same way as if it was before your wedding, and her way of saying "look, I think you're all that, and I know you're married but I wanted to boost your ego and I wanted to move past it, so we can just be normal friends." And you responded with "Cool, yeah I thought you were all that a while ago but that time passed and I'm happy we still hang out without tension."
Since you're just venting and not asking for advice, I'll still offer some advice -- don't bring it up with the friend again. By flirting with her, or pointing out missed opportunities or whatever, you'll just add tension to the friendship. It would be like hanging out with a dude and talking about how sexy his sister is -- he's not going to comment because it's his sister, and you're just making the situation awkward by keeping it up. There's no reason you two can't continue to be friends now that you both know that you had a thing for each other a while back, and you just move on, secure in the knowledge that other people find you attractive.
I think you should tell your friend it was a dick move. Then; tell your wife what happened, how displeased you are, and how you informed the friend it was a dick move.
She explained that she doesn't want to break up my marriage, and knows I am happy, but she felt she needed to tell me that so she could move on. I pretty much told her the same thing. We agreed to always be there for eachother and that fate and circumstance just didn't have it in the cards.
I am confused about the above paragraph. You agreed in this recent meeting to always be there for each other, but that fate and circumstance doesnt have it in the cards for a romantic relationship? Or this is what you said before you were married?
yup
I would honestly suggest cutting all cxontact with her. If you have even the smallest of feelings for her, and she does too, there is no way that the friendship is going to last. You either end up cheating on your wife, or things can't return to the same.
I'm not saying cut her out forever, just till both of ou have been able to move on.
A lot of people do what she did as a means of catharsis, though yes, it's doubtful she was really thinking of you first in this situation. But really if you're happy with your wife, there's not much of a dilemma here. They're her feelings, not yours, and her telling you doesn't make it your problem too.
In either case, it's out there. Nothing can be done with it now.
I think she realized lives in another city and because I'm back on a business trip in the first time in almost a year, and she realizes I've been married for over a year, living elsewhere and all, she's going to move on. We talked it through and I guess in a way I'm glad that she's come to terms with it and hopefully will find some happyness for herself.
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Rachet and Clank Future
MGS 4
Prince of Persia
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Bayonetta
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generally I am for this
right now I'm not
Hey! Saying something that was dwelling on your mind helped! Imagine that!
You seem to have your head screwed on right in this situation, but all the douchebags who told you to cut and run from your best friend can learn from this. Yes it put you on the spot, but you're her best friend, and she obviously trusts the friendship enough where she can tell you something like this and won't be afraid you'll leave her stranded. True friends will put the friendship first, not bail the second one's got a crush.
And in her defense its not exactly fair to her that she be forced to be unable to get over her best friend. To truly get over somebody I've found that you basically need to just stop talking to them and break the habitual need to think/talk to them, and being a best friend isn't exactly constructive towards that end. She did what she needed to do to move on, and hopefully it was the decision that will allow her to actually get over him. I would imagine it being much more gritty if she just didn't admit anything and having that make her act in a way that would otherwise actually be detrimental to and/or jeopardize his marriage.
The movies is NOT real life. Once you are married, being friends with a girl is NOT the same thing as being friends with a guy. Of course it can still happen, but you have to keep your wife informed about what's going on - just as you would want.
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You should tell her you're not in love with her, and that is that.
Unless you actually are in love with her, in which case you have other problems.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
She's told you, you know, but you're already happy. And she wants you to be.
Enjoy the fact that two women in your life love you.
...Bastard
Now, there is the distinct possibility that she'll be cool with it and say "well hey, I married you and she didn't, she had her chance, no worries". Of course there's the far more likely probability that she'll be none too pleased and tell you (or at least strongly insinuate) that you and your friend no longer hang out at any point, ever. Irrational? Perhaps, but I doubt very seriously you'll have an easy time finding a person who wouldn't behave in that same manner. Most people (at least anyone that I've ever known or spoken with about it) really don't care for the idea that their partner's "best friend" is in love with them. It's just not a terribly comfortable situation to be in.
This pretty much sums up my feelings. Life is short, might as well tell people how you feel. We spend so much time keeping our feelings repressed, it's refreshing to hear someone letting them out.
I don't know if you two even do that, but if you do continuing to do so just seems like an easy way to set-up an unfortunate plot twist down the road now that everyone's feelings are out in the open.
I'm really having trouble pinning down any real trouble, here. If his friend can't handle the way she feels and the current situation that's her problem and it's not his job or his wife's to deal with it or try and fix it somehow. I'm really not sensing any sort of dilemma or indecision from the OP other than it kind of weirded him out when she first said something, so I'm left wondering why everyone seems to be ignoring this and planning for all sorts of contingencies.
And really, if the OP didn't reciprocate those feelings, this would almost be a non-issue (except the whole "she's my best friend and she's in love with me" bit). But this:
sends some very interesting signals. Even the title of the thread is telling in its way. The OP needs to really do some soul-searching and determine what (and who) it is he really wants, because these mixed feelings can end up causing problems in the not-too-distant future.
The "friend": thinks she needed to follow her heart and tell you. She's wrong. She should stop feeding that feeling until it dies.
You: Regardless of how her feelings made you feel or make you feel or whatever- you've got something better than changing emotions: the commitment made between you and your wife through good times and rough times. And you do have great feelings for your wife I'm sure too. Finally, love is more than a feeling but a willing of the good of the other over yourself. It's a choice. If your friend loved you she would have said nothing in your best interest. Conclusion: Warning. Danger.
So what's it like being a robot?
Sharp10r is right. Emotions are obviously important but, on the other hand, just following your "heart" (also known as crazy, irresponsible whims) will more often than not just make everything worse. You need to use your damn head.
Man, you guys are cold.
This only becomes a problem if he actually has feelings for her - and it sounds like he might - which should probably be something he should deal with anyway, you know?
Maybe you guys subscribe to a 'don't touch it lest it break' philosophy regarding relationships, but I don't see how you can blame the girl for ruining everything by getting this out in the open.
He's married
It's a commitment
If it's not what he really wants, perhaps its best for everyone to end it now (not implying that this is the case here, btw)
Are you suggesting a person should stay in a marriage that isn't what they really want?
You are completely misreading my statement. First off, I mentioned earlier in this thread that I don't really blame the girl for voicing this, because it seemed like an issue both of the people are dealing. However, there's much more to this situation than just two people having a thing for each other, which is where using your brain comes in.
I'm not saying stay in the marriage no matter what. I'm saying solely following your heart in this situation probably is not going to lead anyone to a better place.