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Best Friend (girl) vs Wife

jeddy leejeddy lee Registered User regular
edited September 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
So... I guess I'm not really looking for advice, but I don't really have another outlet for this kind of thing, as most of my friends are close to my wife as well, but when I was visiting my home town this week, and went out with my best friend from the last 11 years, she informed me she is in love with me.

Thing is, I think I love her too, or I did. I spent years wanting to date her, and I new she had feelings for me, but through various circumstances and bad choices and awkwardness, we never got around to it. By the time I wanted to spill my guts and say lets take friendship to the next level, she was dating another guy. Then she broke up with him and I was with another girl (who is now my wife). She broke up with him 2days before my wedding in which she made our wedding cake.

She explained that she doesn't want to break up my marriage, and knows I am happy, but she felt she needed to tell me that so she could move on. I pretty much told her the same thing. We agreed to always be there for eachother and that fate and circumstance just didn't have it in the cards.

So... yeah. I needed to tell someone, and you guys are my anonymous internet pals, and I didn't want to bog down any other thread. It's just been in my gut all day, and all I can think is about how right for me she is, but how happy I am in my marriage.

I am absolutely not considering ending my marriage, I just needed to get all this off my chest, as best friend is who I would normally go to with something like this.

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Posts

  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    That was a totally bitch move on her part.

    Thanatos on
  • RaneadosRaneados police apologist you shouldn't have been there, obviouslyRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    telling someone you love them and endangering a happy marriage is immensely selfish

    Raneados on
  • RUNN1NGMANRUNN1NGMAN Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Isn't this a plot of a horrible Julia Roberts movie?

    That's really all you need to know. She is acting out a horrible Julia Roberts rom-com. Real life is not a rom-com.

    RUNN1NGMAN on
  • CorvusCorvus . VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Raneados wrote: »
    telling someone you love them and endangering a happy marriage is immensely selfish

    Thirded.

    Corvus on
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  • EgosEgos Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »
    Isn't this a plot of a horrible Julia Roberts movie?

    That's really all you need to know. She is acting out a horrible Julia Roberts rom-com. Real life is not a rom-com.

    They are still very young..so I'm not that surprised someone would say/do something like that. Not necessarily fully aware of the consequences.

    Now if it was late 20s or 30s..slightly different story.

    Egos on
  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    This does seem to happen among some best friends of opposite genders, one of whom is getting married. But it's usually the kind of thing that you tell someone before they get married! Like "Look, I wish you the best, and I wanted you to know that I thought you were totally hot. Still do. Which is why I think your future spouse is so lucky."

    Popping it out of the blue is pretty much a dick move because instead of being a "get this off my chest and wish them the best," it's "this bugs me and I'm going to feel better by telling the person -- without really caring about how it will affect them."

    Now, I assume that she told you this in much the same way as if it was before your wedding, and her way of saying "look, I think you're all that, and I know you're married but I wanted to boost your ego and I wanted to move past it, so we can just be normal friends." And you responded with "Cool, yeah I thought you were all that a while ago but that time passed and I'm happy we still hang out without tension."

    Since you're just venting and not asking for advice, I'll still offer some advice -- don't bring it up with the friend again. By flirting with her, or pointing out missed opportunities or whatever, you'll just add tension to the friendship. It would be like hanging out with a dude and talking about how sexy his sister is -- he's not going to comment because it's his sister, and you're just making the situation awkward by keeping it up. There's no reason you two can't continue to be friends now that you both know that you had a thing for each other a while back, and you just move on, secure in the knowledge that other people find you attractive.

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  • NocturneNocturne Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Also, speaking of situations where "getting something off your chest" is really just a selfish move, I advise against bringing this up to your wife. Not that you were necessarily going to, but unless you have some weird psychological thing where you have to tell her or you'll have a brain aneurysm, really nothing good can come of it.

    Nocturne on
  • kedinikkedinik Captain of Industry Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I suggest reminding yourself of specific reasons why you're happy with your wife when these thoughts about your friend bother you.

    kedinik on
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  • NoquarNoquar Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I want to give advice anyhow.

    I think you should tell your friend it was a dick move. Then; tell your wife what happened, how displeased you are, and how you informed the friend it was a dick move.

    She explained that she doesn't want to break up my marriage, and knows I am happy, but she felt she needed to tell me that so she could move on. I pretty much told her the same thing. We agreed to always be there for eachother and that fate and circumstance just didn't have it in the cards.

    I am confused about the above paragraph. You agreed in this recent meeting to always be there for each other, but that fate and circumstance doesnt have it in the cards for a romantic relationship? Or this is what you said before you were married?

    Noquar on
  • KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Man, that was a fucked up move on her part.

    Kyougu on
  • MrMonroeMrMonroe passed out on the floor nowRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Thanatos wrote: »
    That was a totally bitch move on her part.

    yup

    MrMonroe on
  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Indeed.

    I would honestly suggest cutting all cxontact with her. If you have even the smallest of feelings for her, and she does too, there is no way that the friendship is going to last. You either end up cheating on your wife, or things can't return to the same.

    I'm not saying cut her out forever, just till both of ou have been able to move on.

    noir_blood on
  • JavenJaven Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    If you're happy with your wife, take it for what it is. You're not obligated to indulge your friends feelings. If talking to your friend is suddenly too awkward, you don't have to stick it out either.

    A lot of people do what she did as a means of catharsis, though yes, it's doubtful she was really thinking of you first in this situation. But really if you're happy with your wife, there's not much of a dilemma here. They're her feelings, not yours, and her telling you doesn't make it your problem too.

    Javen on
  • IogaIoga Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    That's pretty effed up on her part - I'm not sure she'd have told you unless she thought there was a chance you'd reciprocate.

    In either case, it's out there. Nothing can be done with it now.

    Ioga on
  • jeddy leejeddy lee Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Well, i seem to feel a little bit better now that I've said it to somebody. I don't know that it was neccesarily a bitch move on her part, I mean, I guess it was, but I guess we've always known this and never talked about it. I guess I understand why she wanted to though. I think she just now came to terms that she won't be with me, but wanted to express herself. I know it's what I would want to do if I were in her shoes, I suppose.

    I think she realized lives in another city and because I'm back on a business trip in the first time in almost a year, and she realizes I've been married for over a year, living elsewhere and all, she's going to move on. We talked it through and I guess in a way I'm glad that she's come to terms with it and hopefully will find some happyness for herself.

    jeddy lee on
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  • BloodySlothBloodySloth Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I'm not seeing this as a bitch move. I am seeing this as something that should have been brought up way fucking earlier in the friendship, but I don't think she's a bad person now for having brought it up, especially since this seemed to be an issue that was just waiting to come to the surface at some point for both of you.

    BloodySloth on
  • WhizWartWhizWart Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    ......anyway to get a 3 way outta this, I say take it.

    WhizWart on
  • MrMonroeMrMonroe passed out on the floor nowRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    WhizWart wrote: »
    ......anyway to get a 3 way outta this, I say take it.

    generally I am for this

    right now I'm not

    MrMonroe on
  • JavenJaven Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    jack eddy wrote: »
    Well, i seem to feel a little bit better now that I've said it to somebody. I don't know that it was neccesarily a bitch move on her part, I mean, I guess it was, but I guess we've always known this and never talked about it. I guess I understand why she wanted to though. I think she just now came to terms that she won't be with me, but wanted to express herself. I know it's what I would want to do if I were in her shoes, I suppose.

    I think she realized lives in another city and because I'm back on a business trip in the first time in almost a year, and she realizes I've been married for over a year, living elsewhere and all, she's going to move on. We talked it through and I guess in a way I'm glad that she's come to terms with it and hopefully will find some happyness for herself.

    Hey! Saying something that was dwelling on your mind helped! Imagine that!

    You seem to have your head screwed on right in this situation, but all the douchebags who told you to cut and run from your best friend can learn from this. Yes it put you on the spot, but you're her best friend, and she obviously trusts the friendship enough where she can tell you something like this and won't be afraid you'll leave her stranded. True friends will put the friendship first, not bail the second one's got a crush.

    Javen on
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Javen wrote: »
    jack eddy wrote: »
    Well, i seem to feel a little bit better now that I've said it to somebody. I don't know that it was neccesarily a bitch move on her part, I mean, I guess it was, but I guess we've always known this and never talked about it. I guess I understand why she wanted to though. I think she just now came to terms that she won't be with me, but wanted to express herself. I know it's what I would want to do if I were in her shoes, I suppose.

    I think she realized lives in another city and because I'm back on a business trip in the first time in almost a year, and she realizes I've been married for over a year, living elsewhere and all, she's going to move on. We talked it through and I guess in a way I'm glad that she's come to terms with it and hopefully will find some happyness for herself.
    Hey! Saying something that was dwelling on your mind helped! Imagine that!

    You seem to have your head screwed on right in this situation, but all the douchebags who told you to cut and run from your best friend can learn from this. Yes it put you on the spot, but you're her best friend, and she obviously trusts the friendship enough where she can tell you something like this and won't be afraid you'll leave her stranded. True friends will put the friendship first, not bail the second one's got a crush.
    I wasn't necessarily advising him to cut and run. However, the fact that it may not ruin the friendship or the marriage doesn't make it any less of a selfish fucking bitch-ass move.

    Thanatos on
  • mechaThormechaThor Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    You should still probably not talk to her as much as normal though to sort of let her cool off. Eventually she will meet an awesome guy and get over you, but, until then you need to ensure that she isn't hanging on for dear life, whether or not she says she accepts the fact that you are married.

    And in her defense its not exactly fair to her that she be forced to be unable to get over her best friend. To truly get over somebody I've found that you basically need to just stop talking to them and break the habitual need to think/talk to them, and being a best friend isn't exactly constructive towards that end. She did what she needed to do to move on, and hopefully it was the decision that will allow her to actually get over him. I would imagine it being much more gritty if she just didn't admit anything and having that make her act in a way that would otherwise actually be detrimental to and/or jeopardize his marriage.

    mechaThor on
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  • hamdingershamdingers Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    My advice: if you are going to stay in contact with the friend - tell your wife what happened. If your wife finds out later, and you didn't tell her about it and stayed in contact with this girl ... I think your wife will be very hurt and confused.

    The movies is NOT real life. Once you are married, being friends with a girl is NOT the same thing as being friends with a guy. Of course it can still happen, but you have to keep your wife informed about what's going on - just as you would want.

    hamdingers on
  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    This basically sounds like the girl wants attention, and isn't getting it from what she feels is the appropriate number of men at this point.

    You should tell her you're not in love with her, and that is that.

    Unless you actually are in love with her, in which case you have other problems.

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
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  • Sunday_AssassinSunday_Assassin Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    A lot of folks hating on the friend in here. If I was in love with a married person I'd definitley tell them. Life's too short not to, you know? It's not a rom-com, but it's also the only one you've got.

    She's told you, you know, but you're already happy. And she wants you to be.

    Enjoy the fact that two women in your life love you.

    ...Bastard

    Sunday_Assassin on
  • HalfmexHalfmex I mock your value system You also appear foolish in the eyes of othersRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    hamdingers wrote: »
    My advice: if you are going to stay in contact with the friend - tell your wife what happened. If your wife finds out later, and you didn't tell her about it and stayed in contact with this girl ... I think your wife will be very hurt and confused.
    Yep. The cat's out of the bag now and if your wife ever found out about this from someone other than you, hoo boy, I'd hate to be in your shoes. And believe me, secrets have a weird way of getting out more easily than you think.

    Now, there is the distinct possibility that she'll be cool with it and say "well hey, I married you and she didn't, she had her chance, no worries". Of course there's the far more likely probability that she'll be none too pleased and tell you (or at least strongly insinuate) that you and your friend no longer hang out at any point, ever. Irrational? Perhaps, but I doubt very seriously you'll have an easy time finding a person who wouldn't behave in that same manner. Most people (at least anyone that I've ever known or spoken with about it) really don't care for the idea that their partner's "best friend" is in love with them. It's just not a terribly comfortable situation to be in.

    Halfmex on
  • Grid SystemGrid System Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I don't think you necessarily have to tell your wife. Your friend lives in a different city, right? So unless you correspond with her significantly and often, it's really a non-issue. If you regularly spend hours chatting online or send long e-mails back and forth every other day or something--which in itself is a bad idea--then you should probably let your wife know, but otherwise you can just let things fade into the past.

    Grid System on
  • DanMachDanMach Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I would tell my wife ASAP about this, then remind her of the many reasons I love her and am with her. Don't go overboard or anything.. then ask your wife how *SHE* wants to proceed. She might want you to swear off that lady.. she might also be like "Hmm.. I told you that you were hot." its all over the place.

    DanMach on
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    A lot of folks hating on the friend in here. If I was in love with a married person I'd definitley tell them. Life's too short not to, you know? It's not a rom-com, but it's also the only one you've got.

    She's told you, you know, but you're already happy. And she wants you to be.

    Enjoy the fact that two women in your life love you.

    ...Bastard

    This pretty much sums up my feelings. Life is short, might as well tell people how you feel. We spend so much time keeping our feelings repressed, it's refreshing to hear someone letting them out.

    RocketSauce on
  • TinuzTinuz Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I don't think you necessarily have to tell your wife. Your friend lives in a different city, right? So unless you correspond with her significantly and often, it's really a non-issue. If you regularly spend hours chatting online or send long e-mails back and forth every other day or something--which in itself is a bad idea--then you should probably let your wife know, but otherwise you can just let things fade into the past.



    DanMach wrote: »
    I would tell my wife ASAP about this, then remind her of the many reasons I love her and am with her. Don't go overboard or anything.. then ask your wife how *SHE* wants to proceed. She might want you to swear off that lady.. she might also be like "Hmm.. I told you that you were hot." its all over the place.

    Tinuz on
  • SeriouslySeriously Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    If you two do remain friends and still see each other I would suggest avoiding getting very drunk in each others' presence from here on out.

    I don't know if you two even do that, but if you do continuing to do so just seems like an easy way to set-up an unfortunate plot twist down the road now that everyone's feelings are out in the open.

    Seriously on
  • JavenJaven Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I really don't know why everyone is so concerning themselves with how his friend feels. He's happy with his wife, his wife is happy with him, and from everything we know his friend doesn't want to fuck with that at all.

    I'm really having trouble pinning down any real trouble, here. If his friend can't handle the way she feels and the current situation that's her problem and it's not his job or his wife's to deal with it or try and fix it somehow. I'm really not sensing any sort of dilemma or indecision from the OP other than it kind of weirded him out when she first said something, so I'm left wondering why everyone seems to be ignoring this and planning for all sorts of contingencies.

    Javen on
  • HalfmexHalfmex I mock your value system You also appear foolish in the eyes of othersRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Because this is a situation that can often have extremely dire consequences in a marriage (or any serious relationship, really). Again, if this does get back to the OP's wife, the situation could go from 'potentially manageable' to 'extremely volatile' instantaneously. If, on the other hand, he tells his wife what happened, there's at least the element of honesty there that could help diffuse the potential negative feelings of mistrust.

    And really, if the OP didn't reciprocate those feelings, this would almost be a non-issue (except the whole "she's my best friend and she's in love with me" bit). But this:
    Thing is, I think I love her too, or I did. [...] I pretty much told her the same thing.
    and all I can think is about how right for me she is, but how happy I am in my marriage.

    sends some very interesting signals. Even the title of the thread is telling in its way. The OP needs to really do some soul-searching and determine what (and who) it is he really wants, because these mixed feelings can end up causing problems in the not-too-distant future.

    Halfmex on
  • Sharp10rSharp10r Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Every Rom-Com sends the message 'Just follow your heart/emotions and everything will be ok." Well- this is stupid and wrong. You know who always follows his emotions? Wife beaters and the feeling is anger.
    The "friend": thinks she needed to follow her heart and tell you. She's wrong. She should stop feeding that feeling until it dies.
    You: Regardless of how her feelings made you feel or make you feel or whatever- you've got something better than changing emotions: the commitment made between you and your wife through good times and rough times. And you do have great feelings for your wife I'm sure too. Finally, love is more than a feeling but a willing of the good of the other over yourself. It's a choice. If your friend loved you she would have said nothing in your best interest. Conclusion: Warning. Danger.

    Sharp10r on
  • T. J. Nutty Nub T. J. Nutty Nub Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Tell your wife, remind her why you love her, and swear off the girl

    T. J. Nutty Nub on
  • Sunday_AssassinSunday_Assassin Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Sharp10r wrote: »
    Every Rom-Com sends the message 'Just follow your heart/emotions and everything will be ok." Well- this is stupid and wrong. You know who always follows his emotions? Wife beaters and the feeling is anger.
    The "friend": thinks she needed to follow her heart and tell you. She's wrong. She should stop feeding that feeling until it dies.
    You: Regardless of how her feelings made you feel or make you feel or whatever- you've got something better than changing emotions: the commitment made between you and your wife through good times and rough times. And you do have great feelings for your wife I'm sure too. Finally, love is more than a feeling but a willing of the good of the other over yourself. It's a choice. If your friend loved you she would have said nothing in your best interest. Conclusion: Warning. Danger.

    So what's it like being a robot?

    Sunday_Assassin on
  • BloodySlothBloodySloth Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Sharp10r wrote: »
    Every Rom-Com sends the message 'Just follow your heart/emotions and everything will be ok." Well- this is stupid and wrong. You know who always follows his emotions? Wife beaters and the feeling is anger.
    The "friend": thinks she needed to follow her heart and tell you. She's wrong. She should stop feeding that feeling until it dies.
    You: Regardless of how her feelings made you feel or make you feel or whatever- you've got something better than changing emotions: the commitment made between you and your wife through good times and rough times. And you do have great feelings for your wife I'm sure too. Finally, love is more than a feeling but a willing of the good of the other over yourself. It's a choice. If your friend loved you she would have said nothing in your best interest. Conclusion: Warning. Danger.

    So what's it like being a robot?

    Sharp10r is right. Emotions are obviously important but, on the other hand, just following your "heart" (also known as crazy, irresponsible whims) will more often than not just make everything worse. You need to use your damn head.

    BloodySloth on
  • Sunday_AssassinSunday_Assassin Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Since when is loving someone a 'crazy, irresponsible whim'?

    Man, you guys are cold.

    This only becomes a problem if he actually has feelings for her - and it sounds like he might - which should probably be something he should deal with anyway, you know?

    Maybe you guys subscribe to a 'don't touch it lest it break' philosophy regarding relationships, but I don't see how you can blame the girl for ruining everything by getting this out in the open.

    Sunday_Assassin on
  • T. J. Nutty Nub T. J. Nutty Nub Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Since when is loving someone a 'crazy, irresponsible whim'?

    Man, you guys are cold.

    This only becomes a problem if he actually has feelings for her - and it sounds like he might - which should probably be something he should deal with anyway, you know?

    Maybe you guys subscribe to a 'don't touch it lest it break' philosophy regarding relationships, but I don't see how you can blame the girl for ruining everything by getting this out in the open.

    He's married

    It's a commitment

    T. J. Nutty Nub on
  • Sunday_AssassinSunday_Assassin Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    And if its a worthwhile commitment he'll keep it

    If it's not what he really wants, perhaps its best for everyone to end it now (not implying that this is the case here, btw)

    Are you suggesting a person should stay in a marriage that isn't what they really want?

    Sunday_Assassin on
  • BloodySlothBloodySloth Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Since when is loving someone a 'crazy, irresponsible whim'?

    Man, you guys are cold.

    This only becomes a problem if he actually has feelings for her - and it sounds like he might - which should probably be something he should deal with anyway, you know?

    Maybe you guys subscribe to a 'don't touch it lest it break' philosophy regarding relationships, but I don't see how you can blame the girl for ruining everything by getting this out in the open.

    You are completely misreading my statement. First off, I mentioned earlier in this thread that I don't really blame the girl for voicing this, because it seemed like an issue both of the people are dealing. However, there's much more to this situation than just two people having a thing for each other, which is where using your brain comes in.

    I'm not saying stay in the marriage no matter what. I'm saying solely following your heart in this situation probably is not going to lead anyone to a better place.

    BloodySloth on
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