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Homophobia Vs. Paranoia
Drswords
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I was told to take this to the H/A board, so here i am.
In the past 5 months, ive been trying to organize local and online Dungeons and Dragons groups. Some of which i have Dungeon Mastered myself, some of which i have been a player in.
I somehow managed to organize a local game, which i hosted at my Apartment. This ended very badly though.
On the way to the bathroom, one of the players peeked into my bedroom ( which is rude ), noticed a poster of Hal Sparks i had on the wall ( from Queer as Folk ), and came back making lewd comments about my sexuality. This sparked off 2 of the other players to join in, gay bashing me in my own home. Another player of mine left cause he was sick of hearing it, and i had to force everyone else to leave.
About a month later, in December... I had an online game going, when a friend of mine let it slip that i was gay in amongst that group. Two of my players, both from Britain, then gaybashed me, made a bunch of inappropriate emails that they sent to me, and harrased me over skype until i blocked them.
Sometime quite a long time ago, i had some trouble at the local gaming shop and was gaybashed then too.
Now its gotten to the point where im afriad of being gaybashed all of the time when meeting new people.
It popped up yesterday in an online session where i didnt know the players. I began to panic, especially about one player, who said he was from Jamaica. I have heard some horrible and awful things about how gays are treated in Jamaica, and this set off my fears once again.
It turned out i was dead wrong about him too. He is actually a really good decent person.
And thats where i am now. Ive gotten to the point where im paranoid. I keep thinking someone is going to bash me, or dislike me, or hate me... cause im gay. Half the time when im speaking to someone new, im afraid to say anything that could be construed as campy, or remotely homosexual in nature, for fear of sparking off some prejudice in them.
Its gotten pretty bad. Over all i think im losing my grip on social situations. I panic way too easily.
Couple this, with my mom's recent campaign of slander against me, because i thought it was inappropriate when she pointed out a transvestite on tv and said "Oh look he is one of your people". And im a nervous wreck.
As a side note, I am bipolar schizophrenic, but well medicated. Im on an antipsychotic, mood stabilizer, anti anxiety drug, anti depressant, and adhd medication.
I had stopped being randomly paranoid about things when i started taking the anti psychotic and anti anxiety drug, but now im not sure if its mental illness, or just stress.
I dont have a therapist to talk to, as im on welfare, and the only therapist in town that would take medicaid was extremely homophobic, to the point that he dropped me.
So thats where i stand. Am i crazy? Is it stress? Is it just bad luck? Is it people in general?
And any advice you have on dealing with paranoia, anxiety, and general feelings of distrust would be greatly helpful.
In the past 5 months, ive been trying to organize local and online Dungeons and Dragons groups. Some of which i have Dungeon Mastered myself, some of which i have been a player in.
I somehow managed to organize a local game, which i hosted at my Apartment. This ended very badly though.
On the way to the bathroom, one of the players peeked into my bedroom ( which is rude ), noticed a poster of Hal Sparks i had on the wall ( from Queer as Folk ), and came back making lewd comments about my sexuality. This sparked off 2 of the other players to join in, gay bashing me in my own home. Another player of mine left cause he was sick of hearing it, and i had to force everyone else to leave.
About a month later, in December... I had an online game going, when a friend of mine let it slip that i was gay in amongst that group. Two of my players, both from Britain, then gaybashed me, made a bunch of inappropriate emails that they sent to me, and harrased me over skype until i blocked them.
Sometime quite a long time ago, i had some trouble at the local gaming shop and was gaybashed then too.
Now its gotten to the point where im afriad of being gaybashed all of the time when meeting new people.
It popped up yesterday in an online session where i didnt know the players. I began to panic, especially about one player, who said he was from Jamaica. I have heard some horrible and awful things about how gays are treated in Jamaica, and this set off my fears once again.
It turned out i was dead wrong about him too. He is actually a really good decent person.
And thats where i am now. Ive gotten to the point where im paranoid. I keep thinking someone is going to bash me, or dislike me, or hate me... cause im gay. Half the time when im speaking to someone new, im afraid to say anything that could be construed as campy, or remotely homosexual in nature, for fear of sparking off some prejudice in them.
Its gotten pretty bad. Over all i think im losing my grip on social situations. I panic way too easily.
Couple this, with my mom's recent campaign of slander against me, because i thought it was inappropriate when she pointed out a transvestite on tv and said "Oh look he is one of your people". And im a nervous wreck.
As a side note, I am bipolar schizophrenic, but well medicated. Im on an antipsychotic, mood stabilizer, anti anxiety drug, anti depressant, and adhd medication.
I had stopped being randomly paranoid about things when i started taking the anti psychotic and anti anxiety drug, but now im not sure if its mental illness, or just stress.
I dont have a therapist to talk to, as im on welfare, and the only therapist in town that would take medicaid was extremely homophobic, to the point that he dropped me.
So thats where i stand. Am i crazy? Is it stress? Is it just bad luck? Is it people in general?
And any advice you have on dealing with paranoia, anxiety, and general feelings of distrust would be greatly helpful.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Drswords on
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However,
you should never have to put up with people that openly insult you. you do have to make it clear that you aren't enjoying their comments and that you are offended by their insults because often times groups of guys will rag on each other as a norm and you have to set the line for what is acceptable in those situations. but once that line is set, people should respect it and if they don't, get rid of em.
there is no real reason that you should be afraid of people being bigots or people insulting you. even if they do, you always have the choice of just not seeing them again.
I think that a lot of people take the gay-jokes way too far. I hate when people simply use the word 'gay' or 'faggot' as a way of describing something or someone negative, as if homosexuality is an intrinsically bad thing, goddammit, fuck those guys! When I witness someone who is gay be hurt (and I have) by that kind of behavior it angers me. I have a gay friend and a couple of gay acquaintances, and I hear stories like this all the time from them. One of them got his two front-teeth knocked out by a drunk frat guy outside a bar because he thought he was coming on to him. Had I been there I would of torn that guys head off.
It's shitty, it really is, it's tough that you have these mental issues to contend with on top of this shit, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. At the same time, you need to take a step back and realize that it's not personal, people are just uneducated, naive, and ultimately afraid of you, and you should consider having compassion for their inability to process homosexuality in their conscience. One day hopefully things will get better, and you know there are...havens.
I'm not sure if any of this is helping, but just know... that for as many people that are that kind of jerk, there are just as many on your side. I want you to be able to have a fear-free existence, with the lawful and social right to live your lifestyle anyway that you please. So don't give up, keep up the good fight!
...Maybe you should move to SF?
Being autistic, I have been in a similar position that you have been in, with all the autistic-bashing (someone recently said I was "sperging", which I find to be a derogatory term). And I, too, am on medication (that's right, I admit it, I take Paxil at least once a day). But that doesn't mean I decided to compromise who I really was just to satisfy a bunch of narrow-minded cliquish forumgoers.
You can trust me. I may be autistic, but I am not Chris-chan. From what I understand, that guy hates gay people.
whenever i'm on XBL, "fag" is the third most used word... after "mother" and "fucker"... these people simply talk in a lewd way b/c of the anonymity
another thing common among gamers is the clique or gang mentality... you find someone weaker (in this case, someone who takes queer insults very personally) and you gang up on them.... the only way to counteract this is to react in a strong, and insulting matter yourself
the next time some pussy gamer calls you a fag, you should laugh, and then say their dad enjoyed the assfucking you dished out last night... and continue mocking them mercilessly until they STFU... almost guaranteed success in my experience
My advice would be to take control of the situation. You are gay. Own that fact. I'm making some assumptions here - but from what I gather, you're basically meeting strangers through voice chat to try and pull together a D&D crew?
If you're afraid of consequences, the best time to let people know that you're gay is before you've put any emotional investment into your relationship (ie, soon as possible). At that point the worst thing that can happen is that there's some stranger who is a bigoted homophobe that hates you.... and I'm pretty sure most bigoted homophobes hate you already, so nothing ventured, nothing gained.
If these people you're meeting online aren't from your area, odds are they're much less likely to be (as) homophobic as people you deal with in your everyday life. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Until you've made an issue of it, assume that the use of 'gay' and 'faggy', etc aren't being used in a malicious manner. Also acknowledge that when looking for roleplayers, you're moving in some fairly socially awkward circles who may find it difficult to walk the line between playfulness and giving offense. Also if you're joining an existing social group, 'gay' and 'faggy' may already be a large part of how they talk with each other and it may take a while for them to not just use that language subconsciously (odds are that they're never going to stop completely).
So, my advice is introduce yourself as 'Dr. Swords, I'm a twenty-something(?) gay student(?) from Hicksville'. If you don't think you're going to be comfortable enough with somebody to share the post that you've shared with total strangers just above, then kick them to the curb. If they start with jibes early, shut them down early. If they persist, get rid of them. If they just use the occasional 'that's gay' that's not specifically directed at you, try to let it slide until you're in a situation where you feel comfortable enough with these people to actually share enough about your life that you think they might understand why you're so sensitive.
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They went out of their way to write up emails and contact him (presumably, out of game) on skype.
That's harassment
"Man, you're a faggot"
"Yea, so?"
"So you suck dick."
"Yea, so?"
"So that means you're gay"
"Yea, so?"
"Dude, you put dick in your mouth"
"Yea, and you're talking about it more than I am."
Should this be necessary? Why would he engage in the same kind of behavior that by all accounts simultaneously disgusts and disturbs him? You're asking him to come down to their level, and he shouldn't have to. You're defending a group of people that can't have the decency to keep their potentially negatively effecting language to themselves. These are people that don't have the conscience and wherewithal to recognize that what they're doing is wrong. Bar none.
Have you ever heard the saying; 'A man is only ever who he is the dark'. Meaning that people may be anonymous, but it doesn't mean that they don't feel, and intend what they're saying. People need to stop fueling the idea that this is just kidding around or something, in reality it's creating an atmosphere of fear and prejudice. This is no different than a bunch of 4-chan fucks riffing about N-word Jims. Or a group of jocks picking on the late bloomer who sucks at dodgeball.
You're describing fucked-up unenlightened tribe-like minds, 'ganging' up on someone because they are seen as 'weak'? Because they are sensitive? Look at the effect it's having on this individual, here is solid evidence that this behavior is no good. I grant to you that the OP needs to buck up, but he doesn't have to prove anything to the idiot goombas on X-LIVE, and I am offended that you are suggesting he does.
You might want to be careful about dropping the "N" word even in reference to something.
Using the N-word is proscribed on the forums, in any capacity at all, straight from Gabe & Tycho. It has nothing to do with misconstruing your meaning.
Very well, but for the record it was used for science.
So we're trying to tell the OP to ignore anyone who's prejudiced against him, yet at the same time we allow use of terms that are derogatory to gay people but not ones that are offensive to black people?
tbh it's pretty much proof that Drswords has something to be paranoid about. Insensitivity toward gays is still an institution in our society.
It's not ok to use them in a derogative sense, but using them in a referential sense is permitted.
The "N" word is ridiculously taboo. It has hundreds of years of hate behind it. Please don't even try and compare the two.
OP, are you honestly afraid for your safety? It sounds less like you're "losing your grip" and more like you're just surrounded by idiots. Try finding someone to talk to? There are plenty of people playing D&D around here. And that homophobic shit doesn't fly. So make yourself at home.
If you typed the N-word into google, one of PA's threads was on the first page, I think. If one of those words ever causes that type of thing to happen, there will likely be a crackdown on them, as well.
Not that it's relevant, but I think word was passed down from Khoo that it was never about a PA thread being a Google hit for "N Word", but just that Gabe and Tycho said they didn't want it used on their forums and that was that. It's probably got something to do with their well known paranoia about seeming racist (it's the same reason they don't draw black people in the comic).
Anyway, I'm going to agree with Improvolone:
Really, maybe these aren't the sorts of people whose opinions you should care about. Also, try and have a D and D meeting at a place where, if you wish to, you could leave. I think it's quite bullshit that these people came into your home, and thought that it was the proper course of action to verbally assault you in your own house.
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It could be very helpful to live in an area where you really don't have to worry about people gaybashing you.
For the record we also don't need a tangent every time someone uses the N word. Report it (if you absolutely must) and move on with your life.
In a recent thread someone called me a "fag" and I'm definitely not a friend of theirs. Is that reportable?
EDIT: Oh, looks like Pheezer already whacked 'em with the Infraction stick.
I realize things are hard now financially, but if you ever come into the means you should definitely go live somewhere else. That won't help the situation where you live, but it might make things a little easier for you if you have other problems.
In the mean time, try not to worry about what people on the internet think. For every anti-gay forum you see there are two that pride themselves on being full of the most ridiculous stereotypes you will ever meet, and everything in between.
I second that you shouldn't respond to hateful words with more nastiness. It's really much more productive to go to some of those forums, find the people that play your particular poison there, and go kick their asses at it (or if you're terrible at it, maybe take some lessons from them). I'm not advising you to only hang out with other gay people for your safety, but to have a place where you can go to feel comfortable because it might help you face the rest of the world if you can see that there are those who really don't give a flying fuck who you want to screw as long as it's fun to talk to/be around/play with you.
Don't stereotype, and don't live your life trying to be or not be one yourself. Just be who you are, and a lot of the time the rest of life falls into place.
Yeah, I just have to second this.
This shit that you describe, Drswords, is NOT normal and does not happen everywhere. A homophobic therapist? Good lord, either you're in the bowels of fundie country or you managed to find a dinosaur with a psych license.
I get that you're young and probably broke, but your first goal in life needs to be to get the hell out of dodge.
Also: Hal Sparks
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
I'm not gay and I find their behavior offensive. I'd never call them again.
As for your fear of others...try working towards being comfortable enough with yourself - because that fear stems from an illogical self-consciousness regarding your homosexuality, me thinks - but that's a conclusion I am reaching after reading two paragraphs about you over the internet so...
As for advice, I think you should begin what can often be a rather long quest to find a group of true friends. Not acquaintances, not cohorts, not gaming partners, but true friends. People who treat you with the utmost respect and whom you have the utmost respect for. This is one of those things that can happen very quickly or take months and months depending on luck and your immediate community. I'm suggesting this because based on your OP, it seems that you tend to find a lot of random groups and random people to hang out with/play games with, etc. The issue with such random groups is that they're often, though certainly not always, infested with insensative, immature people.
If you find a good group that you can hang out with on a consistant basis, you're much more likely to end up with solid self-confidence. I know that's easier said than done, but it's my advice.
Our first game is now available for free on Google Play: Frontier: Isle of the Seven Gods
Also, my brother has schizophrenia. Lots of people have mind illnesses from bipolar to schizophrenia and everything between. Don't take shit for that either.
I think your reactions to personal circumstances are fairly normal. If you find out your partner cheated on you, you aren't going to be as trusting next time. If friends and acquaintances stab you in the back with bigotry it's normal to be less trustful of people. You just have to get over it and move on.
that being said, if you're not happy with your current medication there are a few different schizophrenia medications you could try, but some do have serious side effects.
Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and advice. I just had a bad run starting Sunday. I ended up committing myself, because i was becoming extremely upset and paranoid, and i felt my medication was not working. So i have spent until today, time at a behavioral center, trying to get my head on straight.
And to be honest, my fears about being gaybashed by people are not unfounded in that circumstance either. My damnable case worker had the gall to announce to the group, in group therapy, that i was gay. This made the following two days miserable, as one of the fellow patients there is a psychopathic christian fundie.
I spent most of my time locked up in my room with my Kindle DX ( which by some sweet grace i was allowed to have during my stay ).
After a med adjustment, i still feel nervous about the whole issue. The fact is, where i live... its a pretty big deal to people if you are gay. And i agree with everyone who said i need to move. My mother and i are in talks about getting the hell out of here now.
I frankly dont know what to make of it anymore, other than i dont feel a need to change myself around people anymore. I frankly just do without their contact if they are going to be hateful, or prejudiced.
Its still quite difficult though. And it will probably never get easier as long as i live here. But i think maybe ill learn to cope. Hopefully.
I mean if i can survive 2 days in an institution locked up with someone who seems to have a psychotic hatred for me, i can make it anywhere... right?
Good luck mate. Taking these steps to getting over it is always the hardest part.
Most places aren't like this, move.
I'm in Florida, and as wacky a state as we are, I've had a gay best friend, gay college roommate, and a half dozen other gay acquaintances, and I've never seen them treated as you are being treated. At most someone uncomfortable wouldn't hang out or go near them, but wouldn't really harass or stick around to name-call.
Your experience with the Jamaican guy online is one that you should focus on. Despite coming from an area that you know as generally being intolerant to homosexuality, he was not at all what you would expect, and in fact one of the most reasonable people you describe in this situation. The vast majority of people in this thread have expressed sentiments that the people you describe as against your sexuality are bang out of order.
As a bit of an aside, I have a group of people that I hang out with semi-occasionally. The only thing we have in common is that we all listen to the same radio show. Every now and again, we all meet up, get drunk, have fun, and don't take ourselves too seriously. One of the members of the group is quite openly and emphatically gay, and despite not knowing each other all too well, the group is very overly familiar with each other. The word 'fag' is thrown around a lot in a jokey fashion to point out any sort of weakness, whether it's 'I'm thinking of going to bed to get a bit more sleep tonight', or 'I'll have a beer, not a double whisky', or whatever. It doesn't bother James (not his name), as far as I am aware. It does bother me, a little, and I'm a straight guy. However, I know that these people all share a sense of humour and that there's no real harm in it. There was, though, an occasion where one of the other people in the group called a porter at the hostel we were staying at the N-word. It was said in exactly the same manner - entirely without hate, purely for comic reasons and within our own group, who, again, all share the same sense of humour. The reaction was immediate and against him - he'd overstepped the mark, even though he thought he was making an acceptable joke amongst friends.
My point is that your 'friends' do not take your sexuality as seriously as you do. It's not something they fully understand, and it's something they feel okay to joke about. It's also not a part of their life at all. I would wager (depending, of course, on the people involved) that they were surprised by it, and they've been conditioned to immediately joke about it, being that teenagers (I'm assuming) are naturally a little homophobic, and that guys joke with each other a lot about that kind of thing in any case.
Your mother isn't likely to be running a campaign against you. Unless I'm mistaken, you live together, and I believe that she's simply trying to understand and support you. It's likely that, given your circumstances and your area, that homosexuality isn't something she encounters too often or understands, and that seeing a transvestite on TV and identifying him/her could have been her trying to identify with you, not attack you. People are supremely tactless rather more often than they are intentionally hurtful.
Regarding the counselor who outed you to the group, I would see about filing a complaint at the highest level. You should be given the freedom to come out to anyone you feel like on your own terms and no-one else has the right to do that when you're not ready, especially in a place like that. Your homosexuality has no bearing on how you can be treated for your condition.
@gamefacts - Totally and utterly true gaming facts on the regular!
As i have few other outlets, i feel in a very large way this service has been saving my life.
More than once an operator has asked if i had the ability to move to Austin. Ive been talking to my mom about it too.
She says she can try and get a job there before the end of the year. So maybe there is a good opportunity there to get the hell out of San Angelo.
This place has never been friendly to people with problems, differences, or anything people are intrisicly ignorant about. Ive spent most of my life labeled as "queer", "smart ass", or "crazy", because im gay, intelligent, and mentally ill.
Overall, i think this place has become poison. Pure poison.
I just want out by any means now.
I'm just going to repeat this sentence, though, because I think it's worth reading again: People are supremely tactless rather more often than they are intentionally hurtful.
@gamefacts - Totally and utterly true gaming facts on the regular!
But yeah - a big move isn't really necessary, but finding a community that is more welcoming and accepting of different walks of life is ideal. I personally loved Boulder Colorado, but it is verrrrry expensive.
Two basic ideas:
1. If in a physical/emotional sense, you feel that your area is completely against homosexuality and the people around you have nothing but hatred for you - then you should probably move. I know it sucks - no one should HAVE to do that and everyone SHOULD get along enough to at least leave each other the hell alone - but I don't make this world, I just try and live in it. For your sense of sanity, I'd reccomend a change in locale.
2. NEVER believe, trust, take to heart, or let affect you: ANYTHING YOU SEE OR HEAR ON THE INTERNET.
Its the Internet! The internet is a combination of death metal mosh pit and elementry school sand box. This is the place where humanity's gloves come off and you get an ear full of nazi propaganda, a face full of tubgirl, and a mouth load of two girls, one cup. People will screw with you just because they can. Its gonna get rough, and you may wind up being uncomfortable from time to time.
So don't let the bastards get ya down.