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So now I'm single - what do I do?
ihmmy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Long story short, my fiance broke up with me today. We would've been together for 3 years this March, and have been living together for almost 2.5 years. We bought a house this summer (which is technically in my name, as I have awesome credit and he's a student atm)
I do want to get back together. At least, now I do. I guess we'll see if that happens, how I feel at that time. He's staying in the basement (his game room). I just feel like... I dont' know what to do or where to go. what the smart-ish decisions would be. My cousin and best friend were both appalled that he was wanting to still live in the house, but honestly there's enough room in here for me to barely see him.
I just... I don't know. Do I go perusing single sites now? When do I know when I'm ready for that? How do I know? How do I know how to trust or love again, when this came so out of the blue (I mean, we've had our problems along the way, but less than a week ago he sprung a whole host on them and gave up today rather than give us a chance to work on them).
I just feel... lost. I know it's really soon after the breakup and that's probably completely normal but I like to know where I'm heading, and floundering ain't knowing.
(we're 24/23, I'm female he's male, both supernerds in a mid-sized Canadian prairie city, I finished my BComm a little while ago and he's doing an internship before finishing his compsci degree. We have a cat and a dog. I will be keeping the dog come hell or high water, he can have the cat)
I do want to get back together. At least, now I do. I guess we'll see if that happens, how I feel at that time. He's staying in the basement (his game room). I just feel like... I dont' know what to do or where to go. what the smart-ish decisions would be. My cousin and best friend were both appalled that he was wanting to still live in the house, but honestly there's enough room in here for me to barely see him.
I just... I don't know. Do I go perusing single sites now? When do I know when I'm ready for that? How do I know? How do I know how to trust or love again, when this came so out of the blue (I mean, we've had our problems along the way, but less than a week ago he sprung a whole host on them and gave up today rather than give us a chance to work on them).
I just feel... lost. I know it's really soon after the breakup and that's probably completely normal but I like to know where I'm heading, and floundering ain't knowing.
(we're 24/23, I'm female he's male, both supernerds in a mid-sized Canadian prairie city, I finished my BComm a little while ago and he's doing an internship before finishing his compsci degree. We have a cat and a dog. I will be keeping the dog come hell or high water, he can have the cat)
ihmmy on
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And you need to give yourself some time. A 3 year relationship is not something that can easily get over with. Don't worry about when you should move on, or when you should trust someone again, you'll know in time. Right now just concentrate on yourself.
May I ask why you two broke up?
Also, Kyougu is right, you need to seperate yourself from him if you expect to move on.
the fuck
out
"Two weeks, get your shit and go."
This.
Get away from him. The more you see one another the harder it will be on you.
Maybe you will get together, maybe you won't, but right now take your distance.
You need it. I say this having taken part in the dissolution of two live in relationships, they are hard to lose, and you'll want to fight to keep them going because being left hurts.
Getting your distance is all you need to worry about right now. Relationships are living things and when they die, you need to grieve for them. You can't do that with a lingering ghost in the basement.
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This. Seriously, the house is in your name, and he broke up with YOU.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Occupy your time as much as possible, preferably with friends. Find new hobbies, pursue interests that you never had the time for in the past, etc etc.
Everything you will likely see and hear from people will seem cliche...because it is....but it is also the truth. You will get over him with a proper amount of time away even though it seems like that is very unlikely. As for the dating thing, well, that varies from person to person. After having an eight year relationship end, I found that I was not ready for a real relationship for a good ten months after the fact, but I know people that get back into the scene after just a month or two.
You are also still very young and will meet friends through friends, and develop infatuations, love interests...everything that will make you feel like a kid again. The single life really is a lot of fun, so long as you don't fret and make a big to-do about wanting another relationship ASAP. That will come with time and you will meet someone who you connect with all over again, don't worry.
There really is no better advice. Every other post is just fluff.
it made me giggle, so no worries on hurting with small sillies like that.
To be honest... intellectually I know that having him live in the house will make things complicated and sucky. But I cannot afford the mortgage, bills and food all on my own. I'd been planning on seeing how things were in about two weeks, and if they were horribly strained with him still living here then decide if I was kicking him out or not. Worst case he has a sister the city (with 2 small ones) he could live with, or the sisters beau, or his family a half hour north of town. And I need time to, well, figure my head out as well as clean/tidy/finish unpacking from our summer move etc. before I try to get a roommate in here.
life is a stupid kind of complicated. I just want to stay home and ignore the universe tomorrow but he's already planning on not going into work tomorrow. FFS.
2. spend time with friends, hobbies, work, whatever.
3. no, really. kick him out.
you'll know when you're ready for all that kind of stuff again. it's a different timeframe for everyone, but i strongly suggest taking a decent chunk of time for yourself. good luck!
You mentioned that you want to get back together, but you cannot allow him to take advantage of you like this. He broke up with you, he should be prepared to deal with the consequences. Until you stand up for yourself, and take charge of what remains of this relationship, you're always going to be a backup option to him.
If in the future you do get back together, it needs to be on your terms.
GT: Tanky the Tank
Black: 1377 6749 7425
If you know in your brain that you're making it harder on yourself by letting him stay, why are you letting him stay?
Get a roommate. You're making it harder on yourself by letting him stay.
It's not your problem where he goes after he moves out. He dumped you. He needs to get. The. Fuck. Out.
Kicking him out and getting a roommate will help clear up your head and straighten out your life. You're only making things worse by letting him stay.
Only after he's moved out and some time had passed:
I cannot suggest whether or not getting back together is a good idea or not, as I don't know the specifics of why he broke it off (nor should you feel the need to share them with us). I would generally advise strongly against it; as I assume it is a serious issue to break off a 3 year relationship (but I'm getting mixed signals from his willingness to continue co-habitation, especially given other reasonable accommodations available to him). If it was a one-time major issue, he might be hanging about to see if he can get past the issue (ie: "I need space/to step back")... if it's a long-term issue: I have no idea why he's still there. Either way, if he make it known he would like to resume the relationship, I'd be very wary and you two MUST resolve the issue COMPLETELY beforehand.
You need to kick him out. It's impossible to "figure [your] head out" if he's still living there. If you need more than two weeks to prep the house for roommates, that's fine, but don't use that as an excuse not to move towards his exit. Work out how much time you need, and then tell him, as soon as possible, and in no uncertain terms, that he has to be packed and gone by a specific date. Hold to that date. The longer you wait, the harder it will be, and the worse things will get. I know that may not seem intuitively true, but it's how these things go, without fail.
You're right that life is complicated, but this part of the solution is not.
His living arrangements are not your concern anymore. Like others have said, kick him out. He's a grown-up and should look after himself. If you need money to help with rent, get a roommate. Keeping him around to pay the bills won't work out well.
But really, you need to kick him out. Pronto. Living with someone you've broken up with is, and trust me on this because I've had to do it once, SEVEN LAYERS OF HELLCAKE WITH A SHIT CHERRY ON TOP.
Do not do it. You will not get over the relationship while the stink of its corpse chokes you every time you open your front door. Exorcise the demons, and then get on with life. The honorable thing to do in this situation for him is to help you find a good roommate before he moves out in 2 weeks (maximum, 1 week is better).
Also, tell him "fine, if you don't want to go into work, maybe find your way to a coffee shop because I need some space."
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This can't be repeated enough.
So I'm repeating it again.
Put it another way - do you want him to be in the house when he starts bringing home new girls to fuck?
There's no way the answer to that question is yes, therefore...
Kick him out.
It's not just for the sake of your mental state right now. Right now he has broken up with you. You are at what we call in novel-reading or series-watching "a good stopping point". He's breaking up with you, it is almost convenient to say "I just can't live with you, this is my house, thanks for your past contribution to utilities or whatever, get out now." If you let this go a week, or two weeks, it will become exponentially more difficult to do as the days pass, and what's more, the conversation will be that much more awkward. There is literally no better time. There is no "but you were fine with it for the past few weeks and we were broken up then too". There is only your "I can't do it and I don't want to, get out".
Picture this: You've gotten over the sudden whirlwind of emotion you're feeling long enough to cry it out with friends and family, talk to that counselor, whatever you need to do. You meet a great guy you want to hang out with. Maybe nothing serious, maybe something. You bring him home. Your ex-fiance is sitting in the basement in his underwear and calls up when you walk in, making his presence known if it wasn't already. And if it was known, what did you tell the new beaux? "I live with my unemployed ex-fiance who broke up with me and I haven't had the nerve to kick out"?
Irritating scenario #2: He's finished his crying, which from the sounds of it he's not planning to do much of. You are just out of your confused 'wtf' phase and into your crying it out phase. He brings a girl home, because hey, he sleeps there.
Kick him out, rent out the room, move on. If it's close enough to a college you won't have any trouble.
And just in case you haven't picked up on the theme of this post and every post before it: Kick him out.
do it now, get him out.
he wants to sleep with other girls, and he'll bring them back to the place he is paying to keep up and functioning, as is his right, but your right as homeowner and as the girl he just broke up with is to say 'get out of my house'.
it will save you so much pain.
However, depending on where you're living, you may have been living together long enough to be considered in a common-law relationship, and if that's the case then the legalities of your region may be much more ambiguous about whether anyone can be forced out of the primary domicile, regardless of who has their name on the title.
I'd make them leave that second, and tell them their shit will be outside by morning.
Also, why give him a chance?
He thinks an engagement is just that easy to break off because he feels like it? Why get back together? If you do it will be forced and what's to stop him from doing the same if you go through and get married?
I understand very completely how strong love can be, and the desire to make it work, but this will haunt you for ever if you get back together. There WILL be a rift between you two even if it's never spoken of. If he had doubts he should have broken up before he bought a ring. I guess now-a-days a ring is just an expensive way to say you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Look for a roommate, figure out how long you can last with your current income and bills with out him there. If you can find a roommate in that time, or know someone who would love to live there and help out then boot his ass NOW! otherwise search diligently then BOOT HIS ASS!
He's treating it like a game. Don't let him. If you want to be nice tell him what you are doing. Be stern about it, don't fight about it just say "Ex, I'm looking for a roommate, I suggest you start looking for a place to live".
The sooner you start changing things the sooner your heart will start the process of moving on.
Before you do any of this have a room mate lined up and in place and a back up the last thing you want to do is lose the house due too poor planing.
I am not going to pretend to be doctor drew but just remember he broke up with you so it is on him not you. His reasons are his own if he want to share them great if not thats his choice.
<Qs23> I just need to get my dicks in a row
<prox> i work for dicks
#paforums_pax, all about the dicks.
you cant get over someone or at least deal with it while they are living there. Since its your place he has to go. Tap your friends to see if anyone wants to be a roomate or a room up for rent.
and dont bother with looking for a replacement right now, just do your thing and make yourself happy by yourself, that and hang out with your friends.
They're Canadian, and he isn't on the loan. She can throw him out and if he protests she can get a court to issue a restraining order. Domestic disputes trump renter's rights anyway.
OP, I'm jumping on the "throw him out" ticket.
Give him his walking papers. He's got a week (if you're generous) to pack up his shit and head on out the door. Then, you drop an ad on craigslist and get yourself a roommate. It'll help with the bills and who knows, you might find a new person in your life a welcome distraction while you deal with the trauma that you just suffered.
If I may be so bold, what the heck happened? It seems like there is more to this story for him to make such an incredibly dumb move what with you being the sole owner with all the rights that come with that (such as control over who lives there KICK HIM OUT).
You can ask him to leave, and he may do so, but be prepared for the possibility of him pursuing legal claim.
24 is still young for marriage. I'm 25, still have student loan issues, have been with my girlfriend for over 2 years, and marriage is not exactly a convenient thing for us.
There's plenty of time to meet another great guy (or not, if you really enjoy your single life). He doesn't have a career yet, and establishing your career is a big step in life. It's probably better to have a career and meet someone special rather than meet someone special and worry about finding careers near each other.
If you wait, those things work themselves out.
Now, I don't know exactly why you're splitting up, or if one person is more at fault, or if it's just a "I don't feel that way about you anymore thing," or if it's abrupt or a long time coming, or what. But I'm going to operate on the assumption that both of you are decent people coping with a shitty situation. If he's actually a silly goose, then ignore this advice.
It's important that you do what's best for you, but it's also important you don't turn into an ass just because you're hurting. This is a decent human being who is also probably hurting, and while you are your primary concern, you're probably going to feel bad down the road if you screw him over.
I would suggest that he immediately vacate from the house on a temporary basis. You say he has lots of places he can stay in an emergency, and this certainly counts. The best thing for both of you is for him to pack a bag and stay with friends or family for a week. You both need some immediate space to grieve and sort things out.
After that, let him back in with some firm ground rules on acceptable behavior, use of the bathrooms, division of private space, and so on. And discuss a timetable for him leaving, because he needs to. But you've been living there together for awhile, and he has stuff there, too. He has a life there, and it's not unreasonable to allow him some time to figure out where he's going to go. But it is going to be harder on you the longer he stays. If he's still there inside of a month, things are seriously awry. He should be able to find a place within a couple weeks, so use that as a baseline.
In the end, be reasonable, but be firm. Unless he's a total ass, in which case kick his shit to the curb and pee in his best shoes.
Him being in the house is a ticking timebomb. If you do find someone, and he objects, he is in your house! If he finds someone, and brings them to your basement, he's in your house!
Kick him, get a roomate of the same sexual persuasion as you (should you need it) and just live your life. Someone else will show up eventually and you'll likely be happier.