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Tube Hates You: Issue Four
Tube
Registered User admin
Registered User admin
Welcome to Issue Four, in which I start spoilering posts for being incredibly long. Enjoy! If you have a problem, please send it to forumadmin@penny-arcade.com. Especially if it's about something other than whether or not you should go to college.
Cardboard Tube the White-
Saw your advice on diet for weight loss in issue three. Got no qualms with
the main diet (I love me some chicken) but protein shakes taste like
complete ass no matter how they/I try to flavor it. Any advice on a shake
that won't make me want to spit bile all over some unsuspecting gym-goer, or
failing that, a substitute? (I'd guess bananas would be involved, but I am
completely stupid about food.)
Also regarding weight loss, do you find any particular time of day gives
better results for your workouts (for any definition of "better")? My work
days are very long so it's either immediately upon waking up or immediately
before bed four (sometimes five) days a week.
Many Thanks,
Fatty in Boombalatty
Metabolic Drive is nice enough. Protein shakes are generally god's punishment to an uncaring society though. Personally I don't mix my shakes, so I can't give you any suggestions there, but I'm sure there are plenty knocking around online.
Dear Tube,
If you can find the time in your incredibly rewarding life to spend a few minutes reading, and replying to, my absolutely trivial and insignificant qualm I will be eternally grateful for your service.
I’m just about wrapping up my third year (out of four) for my undergraduate degree, and will be doing an internship, summer school course (that is sort of trivial but gets a necessary requirement out of the way), and part time job to save up some money once I start renting an apartment with others for senior year starting in the fall.* Once I graduate I have plans to spend two semesters furthering my ancient greek and latin fluency for graduate school preparation (for something with ancient art history or archaeology, or even just professional homelessness, who fucking knows).* I have met extensively with my professors in relevant fields to talk about the graduate school process, and have spent an equal amount of time looking at graduate schools, reading about the professors in relevant departments, their research interests, etc. and have even acquired some books written by professors at some schools I would be interested in attending.
*
*
Thanks
Verbose In Virginia
Which will you regret more? It's as simple as that. If you spend years on your education and end up in the poorhouse, how much are you going to regret not doing something more practical? If you go and get a sensible job and make a bit of money, how much are you going to regret not following If your somewhat romantic dream? Both choices can end up with you being fucked, so weigh up what kind of fucked you'd prefer. Bear in mind that most people never follow their dream, or do so in a half hearted manner so that they're not really commited to it. If you really want to be a... helicopter pilot or whatever it was (Jesus Christ that letter was fucking long) and are willing to accept that it isn't going to make you rich, go for it. If you go that route though, you better be willing to go balls deep because otherwise you're wasting everyone's time.
Oh and if you're considering not doing it because wah wah it might be hard, man up.
Tube,
I need help being a cool person. A good person. A human being of genuine quality and value. But I don't know where to start. I don't know how to approach myself critically, and even if I could, I'm not entirely sure that some of these things are possible to improve upon. Like I might just be too fucked up to fix.
For instance, many forumers come across to me as educated, well rounded, well spoken people. So much so that I often find myself questioning my own intelligence. Like maybe everyone else sees something that I don't see, and I'm the idiot. I feel like the one kid who can't see the picture on the paper, no matter how hard he tries to focus. It doesn't help that I have this amazing habit of talking out of my ass and generally making a moron out of myself whenever I open my mouth. You'll probably be able to tell who I am from my email handle. That's fine. It only serves to illustrate my point.
How many times have I been infracted? Five? Six? And how many of them resulted in PMs to you which contained dumbass reasons as to why the infractions should have been reversed? All of them, I'd say. And what percentage of those do you suppose I regretted later, after rereading some of the things I had said? I...how do I stop this behavior?
There's also the image of my self image. I am so cripplingly self conscious that I avoid social situations at almost any cost. For example, when I graduated from high school, I opted not to have a party in spite of the fact that I stood to gain a good bit of money from family by doing so, just because I didn't want to deal with other people. I tell myself that my self image problems will go away with my weight loss, but any more I'm not sure. Maybe it's pathological. Maybe I'm just fucking crazy. Or maybe I'm depressed. Or some combination of those things.
God, I'm reading this and it just sounds like "Tube help me seek approval." Let me say that I'm not after anyone's approval, leastwise that of people I don't even know. I just want to be a genuinely awesome person, who is worthy of trust and responsibility, who is capable of making good, firm decisions, and who is not socially awkward or inept.
Thanks, Tube. And I'm sorry my writing is a mess.
Feelbad In Philly
Jesus dude, stop being such a pussy. And no, I didn't look at your email handle and try and figure out who you are, I've spent like six hours already reading the previous guy's fucking question.
You want to be an awesome person? Great, the first step is deciding that being a person that enriches the lives of those around you is something you want to do. The second part is growing a hefty nutsack because being awesome is hard. Keep at it with the weight loss, force yourself to brave situations that scare the shit out of you (like the party). You learn to make good decisions through a combination making a bunch of really fucking bad ones and thinking “shit, I better not do that again” and of commiting yourself to doing the right thing instead of the easy thing. Very few people don't know what the right thing to do is in any given situation, they just can't get around the fact that it's also the hard thing.
Will your self esteem problems go away with your weight loss? Probably not, because everyone has self esteem issues to some extent, they just don't let it interfere with their lives.
When I say everyone has self-esteem problems, obviously I'm not talking about me. I'm awesome in every way and my balls are so huge I have to wheel them behind me on a wagon.
Dear Tube,
I'm having trouble deciding whether or not to continue my college education after the summer.* I hate it so much.* I'm not a very good student, and even when I apply myself and try the most I can manage is an average performance.* At best.
I want to be a writer, and my brother says that no one will ever hire/publish me without a degree of some kind, and every book jacket has something about the cunt who wrote the book having a degree in journalism or fucking English or something.*
Should I continue my education, or do it up bohemian style and live in poverty until my genius is recognized?
Sincerely,
Bohemian in Baltimore
Continue your education. Real artists work. You want to be a writer? Get a good job, and instead of spending your spare time dicking around on the internet spend it writing. Every day. Working hard. Because it's your second job. If you can't do that, you're not an unrecognised genius, you just don't want to get a job. No one who has ever lived in poverty would write a sentence that amounts to “should I live in poverty”. Personally I think the fact that you claim you are not a very good student (something which is completely under your control) indicates the second. Go and prove me wrong and be sure to right “I fucking told you Tube” on the jacket of your first novel. Pussy.
Dear Tube.
I have a problem with self esteem.*
SO.* it seems that I can fake it.* And fake it pretty well.* But why, then, do I always come home after work, and after social gatherings and begin biting my own fist when I think about the events of the day.* I think about how stupid I must have looked infront of that person, or how dumb what I said sounded, or how fat I looked in that shirt today, or how everyone could easily see my unfasionably receiding hairline.
Also, and please feel free to kick my ass for this, there's a lady at work who I think is amazing.* And she lives in the same apartment block as me, and has done for over a year, and I have never said a word to her.* Because I think she'll just think I am a big dumb balding stuttery loser.
What do I do to give myself a boost in self esteem, Tube?* Cause lookin in the mirror and growling like a tiger just ain't doin' it.
Yours self deprecatingly,
No-esteem In the North West.*
I spoilered some of your post because it was long and essentially boiled down to what the other guy asked. So go read that.
Are you back? Good. The reason you come home from social gatherings and think “why did I say that? I'm such a tool, I look so stupid and fat and bald” is because everyone fucking does that. I seriously doubt anyone has gone home going “god, I hope that fat bald twat fucking dies for that severe faux pas he imagines he's made”, especially since you're apparently neither that fat nor that bald. Being embarassed is fine, everyone gets like that. Being crippled by fear on the other hand, is what twats do. So don't do it. Go and talk to that girl, because you have nothing to lose. For all you know, she's super into fat, balding twats and has been dying for the day when you finally man up, ask her out and then box her clown until her tits explode.
That's it for this issue, there will be some more later on when I work through some of the other questions, because everyone this week decided to write essays. If you're going to write in, please, please be somewhat concise
Do you crave my knowledge? Send a line to forumadmin@penny-arcade.com. Please give enough information that I can reasonably be expected to know what the fuck you're talking about and give reasonable advice. Names will not be posted.
The views of Cardboard Tube are not now, never will and never have been the views of Penny Arcade. All advice is taken at your own risk.
One Love
Tube
Cardboard Tube the White-
Saw your advice on diet for weight loss in issue three. Got no qualms with
the main diet (I love me some chicken) but protein shakes taste like
complete ass no matter how they/I try to flavor it. Any advice on a shake
that won't make me want to spit bile all over some unsuspecting gym-goer, or
failing that, a substitute? (I'd guess bananas would be involved, but I am
completely stupid about food.)
Also regarding weight loss, do you find any particular time of day gives
better results for your workouts (for any definition of "better")? My work
days are very long so it's either immediately upon waking up or immediately
before bed four (sometimes five) days a week.
Many Thanks,
Fatty in Boombalatty
Metabolic Drive is nice enough. Protein shakes are generally god's punishment to an uncaring society though. Personally I don't mix my shakes, so I can't give you any suggestions there, but I'm sure there are plenty knocking around online.
Dear Tube,
If you can find the time in your incredibly rewarding life to spend a few minutes reading, and replying to, my absolutely trivial and insignificant qualm I will be eternally grateful for your service.
I’m just about wrapping up my third year (out of four) for my undergraduate degree, and will be doing an internship, summer school course (that is sort of trivial but gets a necessary requirement out of the way), and part time job to save up some money once I start renting an apartment with others for senior year starting in the fall.* Once I graduate I have plans to spend two semesters furthering my ancient greek and latin fluency for graduate school preparation (for something with ancient art history or archaeology, or even just professional homelessness, who fucking knows).* I have met extensively with my professors in relevant fields to talk about the graduate school process, and have spent an equal amount of time looking at graduate schools, reading about the professors in relevant departments, their research interests, etc. and have even acquired some books written by professors at some schools I would be interested in attending.
*
Yet in the back of my mind I’m always wondering if this is something I should be putting forth my blood, tears, and money towards.* All the conversing with professors, reading about programs, and reading books doesn’t really indicate too much until I’m actually there in the thick of it.* I’m probably answering my concerns in this email, but hearing your esteemed opinion on it is worthwhile in my considerations.* I want to go to grad school, I want to put in the time, stress, and effort and come out the other end with a product of research that I can present to other people, say that this is something that I did, and work as a professional in an academic environment, while being paid to continue in my research interests, even if it wont be a glamorous salary (I’m saying this as someone who previously was being groomed to go to school for music performance).
*
Reading testimonials and horror stories about the graduate school scene on various online sources however is leaving me wondering if I should just set aside those plans, get a job that is only somewhat related to my interests at most, and just continue my scholarly interests on my own time.* There are some examples of people who have furthered the academic field of study without being academics, like Robert B. Strassler, however this man ran an oil drilling equipment business before retiring to work on his editions of Herodotos, Thucydides, and Xenophon (thus far).* I’m not sure if I would ever be in the position of acquiring enough capital to conduct similar work, without the funding that can be gained by working at an academic institution, which of course requires spending another five to seven years of my life in school.
*
Do I take the plunge into graduate studies, facing the potential risk of having to swallow my pride and leave with my tail between my legs from the ruthless environment?* Or is it, in the long run, better to just leave the phD as a pipe dream, and keep my scholarly interests, along with my music, as a side-thing to whatever careers I would pursue in lieu of professional academic work?*
Reading testimonials and horror stories about the graduate school scene on various online sources however is leaving me wondering if I should just set aside those plans, get a job that is only somewhat related to my interests at most, and just continue my scholarly interests on my own time.* There are some examples of people who have furthered the academic field of study without being academics, like Robert B. Strassler, however this man ran an oil drilling equipment business before retiring to work on his editions of Herodotos, Thucydides, and Xenophon (thus far).* I’m not sure if I would ever be in the position of acquiring enough capital to conduct similar work, without the funding that can be gained by working at an academic institution, which of course requires spending another five to seven years of my life in school.
*
*
Thanks
Verbose In Virginia
Which will you regret more? It's as simple as that. If you spend years on your education and end up in the poorhouse, how much are you going to regret not doing something more practical? If you go and get a sensible job and make a bit of money, how much are you going to regret not following If your somewhat romantic dream? Both choices can end up with you being fucked, so weigh up what kind of fucked you'd prefer. Bear in mind that most people never follow their dream, or do so in a half hearted manner so that they're not really commited to it. If you really want to be a... helicopter pilot or whatever it was (Jesus Christ that letter was fucking long) and are willing to accept that it isn't going to make you rich, go for it. If you go that route though, you better be willing to go balls deep because otherwise you're wasting everyone's time.
Oh and if you're considering not doing it because wah wah it might be hard, man up.
Tube,
I need help being a cool person. A good person. A human being of genuine quality and value. But I don't know where to start. I don't know how to approach myself critically, and even if I could, I'm not entirely sure that some of these things are possible to improve upon. Like I might just be too fucked up to fix.
For instance, many forumers come across to me as educated, well rounded, well spoken people. So much so that I often find myself questioning my own intelligence. Like maybe everyone else sees something that I don't see, and I'm the idiot. I feel like the one kid who can't see the picture on the paper, no matter how hard he tries to focus. It doesn't help that I have this amazing habit of talking out of my ass and generally making a moron out of myself whenever I open my mouth. You'll probably be able to tell who I am from my email handle. That's fine. It only serves to illustrate my point.
How many times have I been infracted? Five? Six? And how many of them resulted in PMs to you which contained dumbass reasons as to why the infractions should have been reversed? All of them, I'd say. And what percentage of those do you suppose I regretted later, after rereading some of the things I had said? I...how do I stop this behavior?
There's also the image of my self image. I am so cripplingly self conscious that I avoid social situations at almost any cost. For example, when I graduated from high school, I opted not to have a party in spite of the fact that I stood to gain a good bit of money from family by doing so, just because I didn't want to deal with other people. I tell myself that my self image problems will go away with my weight loss, but any more I'm not sure. Maybe it's pathological. Maybe I'm just fucking crazy. Or maybe I'm depressed. Or some combination of those things.
God, I'm reading this and it just sounds like "Tube help me seek approval." Let me say that I'm not after anyone's approval, leastwise that of people I don't even know. I just want to be a genuinely awesome person, who is worthy of trust and responsibility, who is capable of making good, firm decisions, and who is not socially awkward or inept.
Thanks, Tube. And I'm sorry my writing is a mess.
Feelbad In Philly
Jesus dude, stop being such a pussy. And no, I didn't look at your email handle and try and figure out who you are, I've spent like six hours already reading the previous guy's fucking question.
You want to be an awesome person? Great, the first step is deciding that being a person that enriches the lives of those around you is something you want to do. The second part is growing a hefty nutsack because being awesome is hard. Keep at it with the weight loss, force yourself to brave situations that scare the shit out of you (like the party). You learn to make good decisions through a combination making a bunch of really fucking bad ones and thinking “shit, I better not do that again” and of commiting yourself to doing the right thing instead of the easy thing. Very few people don't know what the right thing to do is in any given situation, they just can't get around the fact that it's also the hard thing.
Will your self esteem problems go away with your weight loss? Probably not, because everyone has self esteem issues to some extent, they just don't let it interfere with their lives.
When I say everyone has self-esteem problems, obviously I'm not talking about me. I'm awesome in every way and my balls are so huge I have to wheel them behind me on a wagon.
Dear Tube,
I'm having trouble deciding whether or not to continue my college education after the summer.* I hate it so much.* I'm not a very good student, and even when I apply myself and try the most I can manage is an average performance.* At best.
I want to be a writer, and my brother says that no one will ever hire/publish me without a degree of some kind, and every book jacket has something about the cunt who wrote the book having a degree in journalism or fucking English or something.*
Should I continue my education, or do it up bohemian style and live in poverty until my genius is recognized?
Sincerely,
Bohemian in Baltimore
Continue your education. Real artists work. You want to be a writer? Get a good job, and instead of spending your spare time dicking around on the internet spend it writing. Every day. Working hard. Because it's your second job. If you can't do that, you're not an unrecognised genius, you just don't want to get a job. No one who has ever lived in poverty would write a sentence that amounts to “should I live in poverty”. Personally I think the fact that you claim you are not a very good student (something which is completely under your control) indicates the second. Go and prove me wrong and be sure to right “I fucking told you Tube” on the jacket of your first novel. Pussy.
Dear Tube.
I have a problem with self esteem.*
That is to say, my self esteem is crushingly low.* I'm not one of those whiney folks who slop around dragging their knuckles on the ground and complaining about things that I have never, don't or will never have, and I am fully aware of my problem and I really want to change it.
(Just distancing myself from that kind of person, because ironically even though they apparently suffer the same affliction, I HATE THEM)
But it's a tricky thing to do. I've been told to fake it until I make it, but it doesn't really seems to be working. There are parts of me physically that I utterly despise - I am a little more overweight than I want to be (although I am working on this, and people tell me I am crazy for being worried about my "small" belly), I am losing my hair in my mid 20s (people tell me i'm losing it in a fasionable way and it's nothing to worry about) and I have a stammer, which I had 6 years of speech therapy to help overcome in my early teens, but as anyone else who has a stammer knows, you can never be cured of it, you just have to martial your speech pattern in such a way that you control the outbursts. But I find this really frustrating and as such I have a hard time expressing myself sometimes, especially in a group.* Having said that, people tell me that I come across as confident, funny, intelligent and witty.* I often run problem solving meetings at work because my line manager told me I had a great rapport with my colleagues and groups in general.
(Just distancing myself from that kind of person, because ironically even though they apparently suffer the same affliction, I HATE THEM)
But it's a tricky thing to do. I've been told to fake it until I make it, but it doesn't really seems to be working. There are parts of me physically that I utterly despise - I am a little more overweight than I want to be (although I am working on this, and people tell me I am crazy for being worried about my "small" belly), I am losing my hair in my mid 20s (people tell me i'm losing it in a fasionable way and it's nothing to worry about) and I have a stammer, which I had 6 years of speech therapy to help overcome in my early teens, but as anyone else who has a stammer knows, you can never be cured of it, you just have to martial your speech pattern in such a way that you control the outbursts. But I find this really frustrating and as such I have a hard time expressing myself sometimes, especially in a group.* Having said that, people tell me that I come across as confident, funny, intelligent and witty.* I often run problem solving meetings at work because my line manager told me I had a great rapport with my colleagues and groups in general.
SO.* it seems that I can fake it.* And fake it pretty well.* But why, then, do I always come home after work, and after social gatherings and begin biting my own fist when I think about the events of the day.* I think about how stupid I must have looked infront of that person, or how dumb what I said sounded, or how fat I looked in that shirt today, or how everyone could easily see my unfasionably receiding hairline.
Also, and please feel free to kick my ass for this, there's a lady at work who I think is amazing.* And she lives in the same apartment block as me, and has done for over a year, and I have never said a word to her.* Because I think she'll just think I am a big dumb balding stuttery loser.
What do I do to give myself a boost in self esteem, Tube?* Cause lookin in the mirror and growling like a tiger just ain't doin' it.
Yours self deprecatingly,
No-esteem In the North West.*
I spoilered some of your post because it was long and essentially boiled down to what the other guy asked. So go read that.
Are you back? Good. The reason you come home from social gatherings and think “why did I say that? I'm such a tool, I look so stupid and fat and bald” is because everyone fucking does that. I seriously doubt anyone has gone home going “god, I hope that fat bald twat fucking dies for that severe faux pas he imagines he's made”, especially since you're apparently neither that fat nor that bald. Being embarassed is fine, everyone gets like that. Being crippled by fear on the other hand, is what twats do. So don't do it. Go and talk to that girl, because you have nothing to lose. For all you know, she's super into fat, balding twats and has been dying for the day when you finally man up, ask her out and then box her clown until her tits explode.
That's it for this issue, there will be some more later on when I work through some of the other questions, because everyone this week decided to write essays. If you're going to write in, please, please be somewhat concise
Do you crave my knowledge? Send a line to forumadmin@penny-arcade.com. Please give enough information that I can reasonably be expected to know what the fuck you're talking about and give reasonable advice. Names will not be posted.
The views of Cardboard Tube are not now, never will and never have been the views of Penny Arcade. All advice is taken at your own risk.
One Love
Tube
Tube on
0
Posts
'box her clown until her tits explode' is possibly the best euphamism i've ever heard.
what do I do
Because I really do need to sack the fuck up
I literally loled
But lately, I'm slacking off too much
So
Back to sacking up!
I need to transport 500 units of Fuck out of this burlap sack factory, but I can only carry 7-8 units at a time in my arms. What should I do?
I would advise stacking the Fuck on pallets and using a forklift to transport it.
You can't just palletize Fuck, you need to bag it first. I suggest a 1 ton supersack on a pallet, fill it with Fuck, and then shrink wrap it.
Secret Satan 2013 Wishlist
The only cure for AIDS is to have unprotected sex with as many people as possible, the sex enzymes absorbed in this process will erode the AIDS til it goes away
Or kill them by over constricting their chest which won't allow the lungs to fill correctly.
I know this, because morons at one of the plants my company owns did this many years ago.
Secret Satan 2013 Wishlist
somebody get on that
i just did
how much do i get paid
There's always someone with less self-esteem. Go steal from their self-esteem bank and fill yours.
THE CIRCLE OF STRIFE!
Secret Satan 2013 Wishlist
Being aware that they had a self esteem problem in the first place helps a lot
You know, cottoning on that a lot of their concerns are normal and they're no more fucked up than a lot of other guys
And I'll say one thing, Tube sure as hell has some memorable turns of phrase
but i still have a self esteem problem
what are you trying to pull here, my leg?
time to make a hasty retreat!
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
god it's like none of you even know the guy
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
I would, if it wasn't so fat and veiny
am I helping with your self esteem problem quoth
i already know i'm fatter than jasconius so
but are you fatter than me
that is the real question here
One of these days.
No wonder he is always so grouchy
Having to tug those babies around everywhere
that was faaaaaar outside of my comfort zone
Yes some people's sense of self-esteem can be higher than others (either overall or on a situation-to-situation basis), but really you can read that as being they deal with negative self-perception and attitude far better than those with low self-esteem, that's all.
So, really, self-esteem problems can be "fixed" with an attitude adjustment and looking at things through a new lens. It's hard, sure, but a pretty good method that I used back in my darker days was the ol' "fake it 'til you make it."
That includes comfort zones and the departure from them. Scared of say, introducing yourself to others? "Fake" the confidence you need to approach others based on what YOU think OTHERS have that make THEM able to approach others, and just do it!
The reason that method works is because even though you're "faking" confidence or "pretending" to have confidence, people still respond to you as though you did ACTUALLY have that confidence. The positive resulting change in their interactions with and attitude towards you then encourages you to "fake" it more often, and then you slowly, gradually, begin to gain some of the real stuff.
I've never seen this, but I'm assuming that he makes one-liners and puts on sunglasses.
From now on, that is what I'll do.