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College Essay - PAX East L4D Witch
RainbowTunnel
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So as the title says, I just finished writing my college essay. And what is it about? My experience cosplaying as the Witch from L4D at PAX East 2010!
When I say "college essay", I don't mean I'm in college writing an essay. I mean I'm in highschool writing an essay to submit to colleges alongside my application (the GPA, SAT/ACT scores, awards, activities, ect). It's supposed to be between 550-750 words in length.
I didn't know where else to post this on the forums, so if it doesn't belong here (or on this site at all), I'm terribly sorry.
When I finished writing it I decided I definitely want you guys to help me edit. Feel free to make any sort of comments/crits you desire. Grammar and the flow of the essay is something I really want comments on, if you can't think of anything else. Just want to let you know I may or may not take your advice depending on what you say - I still want this to have my voice in it, and I do have opinions about what I think is strong and isn't - but I really want to hear what you think. I'll keep revising it and posting the revisions so it stays up to date, too.
Changes in content will be underlined. Each time I update it, the next newest change will be underlined and the previous update will return to normal. This is so you guys don't have to read and reread my essay. (:
__________________________________________________________
You hear a faint moaning, a whimpering almost, coming from the dark room in front of you. Aiming your shotgun and flashlight into the room, you see a weeping girl in the corner. Raven black claws extend from her fingers, each one a foot long at the very least. Tight, tattered clothing cling to dirty, decaying flesh. The glare of the flashlight hits her eyes; and she starts getting agitated. You turn off the flashlight and back away quickly, about to make a dash, but it’s too late. Screaming and snarling, she lunges at you with her wicked claws.
The Witch, an undying icon from the popular zombie videogame Left 4 Dead, strikes gamers’ hearts around the world with dread. At the Penny-Arcade Expo East, a convention for gaming and those invested, I became the very Witch they fear.
When I first arrived at four in the afternoon on that fateful Friday with three of my close friends, I looked like any other attendee. I had my surplus army medic messenger bag, which treasured my DSi named Billy, a set of crystalline Dungeons&Dragons dice, my Witch costume and makeup supplies, two blue ballpoint pens, and a roll of duct tape. When going to a convention, always remember the duct tape. My pokéwalker clipped faithfully to my side, finding its home a prime place for picking up points as a pedometer. I was always a firm believer that you could tell a lot about a person by the contents of their bag, or if they carried one at all.
Before I got to the convention, I was dead set on wearing the Witch costume. I loved showing my dedication visually as well as interactively. When I got there and realized there were far less people wearing costumes than I had anticipated, I balked. I put off wearing my costume for an hour, the options of either putting myself out there or playing it safe bouncing around my head like a game of Pong. I came to the conclusion that, in the end, I would regret not taking the chance to do something outrageous and awesome. I was going for it.
Like when a superhero transforms from his true identity into tights and a cape in a telephone booth, I transformed from my true identity into a special infected zombie in a bathroom stall. I was no longer Rachel, female gamer and actress, I was the Witch, a sobbing, screaming, brain-craving creature. I waltzed out of the women’s room with complete confidence and an itch to get back in the crowd. Take the chances, go the distance, step outside your comfort zone. Life is like the game when you try to guess the number of candies there are in a jar: if you don't try to guess, you've passed up a grand opportunity, but guess the right number, and your life is so much the sweeter.
Pretending to be a zombie in the midst of thousands of normal people was one of the most positive experiences I’ve ever had. I took the risk, and was rewarded far greater than I deserved. Not only was I having a fantastic time, the other attendees were also enthusiastic about interacting with me as a mock in-game experience. They treated me as if they were playing the game, using whatever flashy objects they had to startle me, like camera flashes, cell phones, or even reflective surfaces, and brought out their invisible heavy-duty weapons to defend themselves when I launched my attack. However, they were also respectful and understood that when it came down to it, I was another human being. Similarly, I would react to them as they provoked me, thriving on the glee that spread across their faces when they realized I would respond as the Witch would, but at the same time knew when to end the simulation, be safe, and move on.
Turns out I made the right decision. From the moment I stepped out in public to the hour of my departure I was questioned, high-fived, and honored by journalists and photographers, curious random attendees, and quite a few of the thousands of Left 4 Dead fans. I was videotaped by fans and professionals alike. My performance was recorded by G4 and shown as a reoccurring feature in their review of PAX East, which was broadcast on national television. The best honor of all was when even Mike Krahulik, the co-creator of the Penny-Arcade itself, said that my being the Witch and acting the part was his favorite moment in the whole weekend of PAX East, and even put a great video one of the fans took on the front page of their extremely popular website. Best to take the moment present as a present for the moment, and seize the day.
When I say "college essay", I don't mean I'm in college writing an essay. I mean I'm in highschool writing an essay to submit to colleges alongside my application (the GPA, SAT/ACT scores, awards, activities, ect). It's supposed to be between 550-750 words in length.
I didn't know where else to post this on the forums, so if it doesn't belong here (or on this site at all), I'm terribly sorry.
When I finished writing it I decided I definitely want you guys to help me edit. Feel free to make any sort of comments/crits you desire. Grammar and the flow of the essay is something I really want comments on, if you can't think of anything else. Just want to let you know I may or may not take your advice depending on what you say - I still want this to have my voice in it, and I do have opinions about what I think is strong and isn't - but I really want to hear what you think. I'll keep revising it and posting the revisions so it stays up to date, too.
Changes in content will be underlined. Each time I update it, the next newest change will be underlined and the previous update will return to normal. This is so you guys don't have to read and reread my essay. (:
__________________________________________________________
Zombies at Gaming Conventions
You hear a faint moaning, a whimpering almost, coming from the dark room in front of you. Aiming your shotgun and flashlight into the room, you see a weeping girl in the corner. Raven black claws extend from her fingers, each one a foot long at the very least. Tight, tattered clothing cling to dirty, decaying flesh. The glare of the flashlight hits her eyes; and she starts getting agitated. You turn off the flashlight and back away quickly, about to make a dash, but it’s too late. Screaming and snarling, she lunges at you with her wicked claws.
The Witch, an undying icon from the popular zombie videogame Left 4 Dead, strikes gamers’ hearts around the world with dread. At the Penny-Arcade Expo East, a convention for gaming and those invested, I became the very Witch they fear.
When I first arrived at four in the afternoon on that fateful Friday with three of my close friends, I looked like any other attendee. I had my surplus army medic messenger bag, which treasured my DSi named Billy, a set of crystalline Dungeons&Dragons dice, my Witch costume and makeup supplies, two blue ballpoint pens, and a roll of duct tape. When going to a convention, always remember the duct tape. My pokéwalker clipped faithfully to my side, finding its home a prime place for picking up points as a pedometer. I was always a firm believer that you could tell a lot about a person by the contents of their bag, or if they carried one at all.
Before I got to the convention, I was dead set on wearing the Witch costume. I loved showing my dedication visually as well as interactively. When I got there and realized there were far less people wearing costumes than I had anticipated, I balked. I put off wearing my costume for an hour, the options of either putting myself out there or playing it safe bouncing around my head like a game of Pong. I came to the conclusion that, in the end, I would regret not taking the chance to do something outrageous and awesome. I was going for it.
Like when a superhero transforms from his true identity into tights and a cape in a telephone booth, I transformed from my true identity into a special infected zombie in a bathroom stall. I was no longer Rachel, female gamer and actress, I was the Witch, a sobbing, screaming, brain-craving creature. I waltzed out of the women’s room with complete confidence and an itch to get back in the crowd. Take the chances, go the distance, step outside your comfort zone. Life is like the game when you try to guess the number of candies there are in a jar: if you don't try to guess, you've passed up a grand opportunity, but guess the right number, and your life is so much the sweeter.
Pretending to be a zombie in the midst of thousands of normal people was one of the most positive experiences I’ve ever had. I took the risk, and was rewarded far greater than I deserved. Not only was I having a fantastic time, the other attendees were also enthusiastic about interacting with me as a mock in-game experience. They treated me as if they were playing the game, using whatever flashy objects they had to startle me, like camera flashes, cell phones, or even reflective surfaces, and brought out their invisible heavy-duty weapons to defend themselves when I launched my attack. However, they were also respectful and understood that when it came down to it, I was another human being. Similarly, I would react to them as they provoked me, thriving on the glee that spread across their faces when they realized I would respond as the Witch would, but at the same time knew when to end the simulation, be safe, and move on.
Turns out I made the right decision. From the moment I stepped out in public to the hour of my departure I was questioned, high-fived, and honored by journalists and photographers, curious random attendees, and quite a few of the thousands of Left 4 Dead fans. I was videotaped by fans and professionals alike. My performance was recorded by G4 and shown as a reoccurring feature in their review of PAX East, which was broadcast on national television. The best honor of all was when even Mike Krahulik, the co-creator of the Penny-Arcade itself, said that my being the Witch and acting the part was his favorite moment in the whole weekend of PAX East, and even put a great video one of the fans took on the front page of their extremely popular website. Best to take the moment present as a present for the moment, and seize the day.
RainbowTunnel on
0
Posts
cool costume, lady
It's not really for a class, it's to submit to colleges and universities alongside my application (grades, ACT scores, activities, awards, and all that). I'm going to be a senior in highschool next year and I have to submit it to colleges and universities and all that jazz.
Thank you very much. (:
Yes, it does. It's only supposed to be between 550-750 words long.
I might have gone a different way.
Now let's talk about how adorable your Bubby AV is
hey satan...: thinkgeek amazon My post |
Hahahaha thank you very much! Yeah, that was a great story to tell. The only part people don't get is that the guy managed to break one of my claws in half. But it was all fun and games anyway - I'll just make another one.
Anyway, you might also want to share this with the PAX Forum.
XBox LIVE: Bogestrom | Destiny
PSN: Bogestrom
Really you like it? I made it in MS Paint. It blew up in size when I made it an AV, so I wasn't sure if I was going to keep it or not.
Lounging is fun. Especially when you're walking around barefoot for long hours. (:
I was thinking about that - you're probably right. I hope they don't mind me posting in more than one place...
Thanks, NotACrook. (:
Thees girl, she has bright future, if I do not kill her first.
but I would strongly recommend you proofread that; there are several typos in there that I caught on my first cursory read
also I would question your use of "literally" when describing the number of L4D fans who praised you on your costume
and I feel kinda bad saying this but your first paragraph was all over the place
"College Essay - Or how I got into Harvard by cosplaying as a Witch."
hey satan...: thinkgeek amazon My post |
Your tenses are inconsistent in this paragraph, and switch from present to past and back. If you want to keep the sense of tension and immediacy that the paragraph starts with, it should all be present tense.
This would be a good thing to look for in the rest of the essay as well. Consider the effect you want to have on your audience, and set the verb tense accordingly. .... though, skimming through, I don't see any other places where the tense needs changing... just the first paragraph.
Given that this is your reason for writing the essay, I would ask what exactly you are trying to show the university by telling the story.
Your costume was impressive, no doubt, but are you trying to tell the college about this experience? Your interests? Your ability to make a costume? The recognition you received for the costume? Your passion for game culture or cosplay? You might want to sculpt the essay around a core set of reasons why the university should accept you, because right now it seems a bit scattered.
It's very telling of your personality, if that's what you're going for, but there's very little in it about why you are choosing THIS topic to sell your application to a college.
Yeah, lots and lots of errors. Thanks for catching them, guys.
When I said "literally" about the thousands of L4D fans, it was for the number of fans, not number of fans praising me (not by a long shot). I'll make that more clear in the essay, thank you. (:
"fun-tastic" is not a word that encourages a college application to be taken very seriously
regardless of your intentions, college is still an academic setting
so while your topic is fun and that's good, you may want to consider counterbalancing that fun side with better technical writing skill
also I'd probably go with Mike Krahulik as opposed to Gabe
I'll definitely keep that in mind for the long run as I edit and re-edit this over the summer and such. It was a mix of things, most of what you listed, all trying to be crammed into a very small space. I'm glad you pointed that out.
The last paragraph doesn't feel like a conclusion at all really. something like the 2nd last one would work better I think
Submitted a music video, perhaps?
I'd admit you in a heartbeat.
You know my tricks all to true...
Okay I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks the ending doesn't really seem like a conclusion - I was wondering if it was just me being paranoid or something. I think I will change those two paragraphs around. Thank you. (:
you need to make it clear from the first or second paragraph what this story is trying to convey, and bring it up again at the very end to demonstrate why you're a good pick for their uni
Okay, not sure if you guys see it now (and if you don't, then I have to fix it), but the quality I'm trying to convey is that I'm not afraid to take the chance, put myself out there, and grab for success. If that's not clear, then I obviously need to refine it more.
Be clear and confident about what you are trying to say, especially if what are trying to say is that you are confident enough to do something.
But then again, I never went to college, so what do I know?
Where are you planning on applying with this, anyway?
I understood what you were trying to convey, but as NaS said, you need to state it as clearly as possible in a college essay. The people that read these go through hundreds if not thousands, so they might not be as keen on pulling out your message themselves.
This is the best I can do on short notice: