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Should I pay back rent blood money to my parents?
The_Spaniard
It's never lupinesIrvine, CaliforniaRegistered User regular
It's never lupinesIrvine, CaliforniaRegistered User regular
tl;dr: I moved out about 6 months ago, and when I did my parents (mother and stepfather) decided I owed some back rent and threw out a number. I grudgingly paid as to not cause trouble in the family. Now 6 months later I was visiting and I get blindsided with them telling me that I now owe more money because last time was only some of what they said I owed them. Should I pay it?
I put the tl;dr first, because here is some long and drawn out back story.
I'm 25, I wanted to move out around 21-22, but my parents always convinced me to stay. Part of it had to do with the fact that it would have been hard to afford a place of my own during that time working shitty jobs and going to college. Another part being that it would be wise to live at home rent free and save up my money for a home, instead of just giving somebody the same amount of money as a mortgage to stay in an apartment where all the money I invest into it to live there goes towards nothing. The final most important part of it was the fact that my real father in Europe still paid child support, beyond age 18, because living in another continent and not having much part in my life outside of yearly visits, it was the honorable thing to do, by at least helping contribute to my upbringing in some sense.
Every once in a while I'd want to leave the nest and I'd get yanked back, convinced that it was just smart to stay at home for the time being and just save up my money. Though I'm sure the monthly child support payments they got were a big part of it, and then the fact that at various times they had toyed with the idea of charging me rent anyway on top of it kinda threw out those altruistic reasonings they always gave me.
It was a fairly abusive household, verbally and physically, so moving out was always top of mind for me. But the idea of saving up my money mad staying more of a battle of attrition than anything else. Like a man suffering through horrible misery in the pursuit of an ultimate goal. I always thought to myself that if I could just get through this, last another year, another two, or however many it takes, I'll be that much better prepared on the other side, and things will be that much easier in the future. My dream was to own my own place, so that I could control and live my own life under my rules. Not some crappy rental that I could be booted out of at any time, where all my money put in would not equal an ounce of equity.
About 2 years ago I had this really awesome job that payed really well, I had to drop out of college to take it ironically as I was going to school just to get a degree to qualify for that job. They told me I was qualified enough as is and told me to drop out and start working NAOW! I was saving up all my money and was about 6 months away from putting the down payment on a condo, to be able to start my own life, when the economy went south. I was let go and my dream yanked away from me.
My parents at this point told me to either find another "acceptable" full time job, or go back to school. The "acceptable" part is important to note because in the past my parents had browbeaten me out of quitting multiple jobs and finding new better ones only to decide that now those were not good enough and I had to get a new EVEN better one a few months later in the past, in a case of ever moving goal posts. I was working fast food as a kid and then that wasn't good enough so I had to get a new job, and I started working at a grocery store. Then months later that wasn't good enough and I had to find a better job, so I started working retail. Then that wasn't good enough, so I started working security in COMPTON. Then after a while they said that working 35-50 hours a week wasn't enough and I should ask for more hours. So I finally ended up getting an awesome job in the videogame industry working 60ish hours a week and that shut them up for a while until they said I should go to school at the same time, but I lost the job before the browbeating could go any further than that.
Shortly after losing my job I was still out there at industry events networking and trying to get my next gig. I made a nice contact chatting with the CEO of a startup game network at the launch party for the DSI, and he made me an offer. He said that he needed hosts and since they were just starting up and establishing themselves they could not afford to pay me at the time, but any work and travel I did would be all expenses paid. Hopefully in the future they would hit it big, sell the idea, or get some major investors and then they would start paying everyone what they deserved. If anything I'd get some free travel to gaming events I'd pay to get into, in exchange for the "work" of chatting with major developers on camera. Worst case scenario free travel to game events and job experience that would go great on my resume, best case scenario I get a really awesome job down the road. I explained the situation to my parents and they said to go for it. So I did and for the next year or so I would collect unemployment while working pro-bono and being flown all around the United States on the company dime.
Note: I checked with the government first, so don't think I was defrauding anybody, they said that it's ok as long as I wasn't getting paid. Basically interning for training and job experience is an ok excuse while collecting unemployment.
Things were going well, but it wasn't like I was on trips every day or even week, so in the intervening weeks between events and trips, that sometimes lasted for weeks at a time, I would do what I could to carry my weight around the house keeping it clean. You know, dusting and vacuuming once a week, doing all the dishes daily, straightening everything up daily, cleaning up the kitchens and bathrooms every couple of days, etc. Eventually that wasn't good enough, once again the you need to do better monster started to rear its head, and my stepfather let on that he was seething over the fact that I sit around at home and I'm not working every day or at least going to school, and the fact that I, "Occasionally lift a feather duster" was meaningless to him. He said I needed to get a paying job, which meant I wouldn't be able to keep hoping for the one I was currently pro-bonoing as it would not work to have a steady job and then another one where you vanish for days/weeks at a time to jet set around the world at the same time. Also unless I could get another job like my recent well paying one, it would make no sense to go out and get a menial job at say McDonnalds for example as I'd end up making less there than I was getting in unemployment. That's why I was holding out for this thing to work out or trying to find another tech job.
I decided to go the other route and try school again. Since the economic downturn schools were getting pretty full pretty fast, so I couldn't just get right in, I had to wait a couple of semesters. I started up all the paperwork, was meeting with counselors, staff, doing everything I needed to do until a typo coupled with bad information screwed me. I was always told I had till date X to register for semester Y. Then one day I go into the office for some paperwork and they inform me that it was actually date Y for semester Y and that there was nothing I could do about it. The next available semester I could register for would be Fall of 2011... Let that sink in, and remember that this was about a year ago, FALL OF 2011! I showed them the paperwork that they had giving me saying date X, I reminded them that they had always told me date X, and they said sorry, but you are the one that gets fucked in this situation and nobody can do anything about it. So I fought it for a while, but then other things came up.
Our house was broken into, a few minor things were stolen from the rest of the house, but I got the brunt of it. They stole about 10 grand in games and electronics from my room. My entire collection was demolished and insurance refused to cover a dime of it because of some fancy wording in the contract. They not only stole years worth of stuff from me, but I'd have to start rebuilding from scratch myself without any help from the insurance my family had spent years paying into. To be honest, on a side note, I'd have sooner, if given the choice, kept my save files from all the games and systems stolen than a big fat check from insurance, because that's something you just can't buy back.
I have to go back about 6 months or so now, because this part kinda mixes into all that so I couldn't just drop it in anywhere. Once again my parents were entertaining the idea of charging me rent on top of the child support, and when I said that the fucking child support is rent they would laugh in my face saying that doesn't count. It's weird how it came up from time to time, they always said that if I was going to school full time or working full time that they wouldn't charge me rent, but would still occasionally bring up and toy with the idea with me anyway, while out of the other side of the mouth telling me not to move out because it would save me money. Though they always told me that if daddy ever stopped paying that I would have to start cause somebody had to pay!
Between the idea of being charged double rent, and the crappy abusive home life I decided to move out, made my plans, and found two different living situations that offered to let me stay with them if I would just move out and escape my parents. Let me make this clear, I didn't ask them, they asked me if I wanted to. I decided to take one of them up on their offer as soon as I got back from visiting my father in Spain. When I got back well what do you know one of the spots had been given to someone else and the living situation of the other had changed to where it would not work. Crap, without a place to go I decided to stick around a little longer until I could find another one. I had already told my father that I was moving out, so he decided to finally stop paying child support as his responsibility had long ended, and even though I did not move out immediately he knew it. I kept him abreast of the situation and let him know exactly when I did move out. In the intervening time I was doing the pro-bono gig, trying to get back into school, got robbed, etc.
A few months later, as they invariably do an explosive fight happened between my family and I. I took it as a good sign and finally said to hell with the consequences and moved in with my boyfriend. At the time they said I owed them some back rent for the last few months, which I grudgingly paid and moved out with not so much as a goodbye from my stepfather.
Now, I've been on my own for about 6 months and am very happy to be out of that place. I love my mother, but she has an explosive violent temper, and I've never thought much of my stepfather. He's an angry violent drunken stoner, a bully that is an absolute logic vacuum, if I said the sky was blue he'd say it was black just to disagree with me. He also had a stupid thug of a son (that is probably going to end up in jail at some point) that he would defend to the death against me, so it was best I just stayed out of his way no matter what he had done or I hadn't done. It was just a fight that couldn't be won. Mother and stepfather also had a nasty habit of double teaming me in arguments which means God himself could be telling them I was right and, it wouldn't do a single bit of good, another situation that just could not be won no matter what. Though in defense of my mother she loves me very much and most of their fights between themselves were about me in which she defended me from this or that. She always said she'd pick me over him, but often times it didn't feel like it. As a child it was savage beatings, but after calling child services it just turned to sever verbal and psychological abuse. As you can see I'm much better off and happier on my own, though I have scars that will most likely never heal.
Anyway getting towards the end. I was just recently visiting (I still want to see my mother from time to time. By the way they haven't even so much as seen my new place nor expressed any interest in visiting.) and setting up a sound system for them (every single visit for the last 6 months has been fix this or fix that electronic device) when they called me into the other room and blindsided me with the fact that they believe I owe them more money. It was a really heated argument, but I believe I settled up with them when I moved out. It wasn't much but I gave them close to a grand and they didn't give any impression that I'd owe more later, that was what they said I owed them. But now they are saying that what I paid was only the first part of it for the first couple of months, and now I owe them another grand for the last couple. They mentioned that I'd been sitting on my ass collecting unemployment, even calculating out how much I'd been earning, what dire financial straights they were in, my nest egg, and if it was fair that I got to live there for free for that period of a few months that I hadn't paid for. I left before any resolution was reached, them yelling after me in plain view and earshot of my boyfriend who probably heard a good deal of it. Like right when my stepfather was saying that he tolerated my living there because "daddy" was paying for it.
I talked to my father about it and he doesn't think I owe them a dime. In Europe the idea of charging your child rent to live at home is unheard of. You take care of your family, and to charge your own child rent especially during a time like this, when they had lost their job, is downright sleezy. When visited my Father again just recently he gave me just a bit of money, a couple grand to help me out now that I'm on my own. I didn't ask for it, I told him he didn't have to, but he's my father and he wants to help me out seeing as he can't be a bigger part of my life. I floated the idea to him, and he agrees, that they know he gave me some money and they probably think they can take advantage of the situation and demand some more back rent out of me.
So the million dollar question is, should I pay this blood money to my parents, or stand my ground and say no even with the possibility that it might estrange me from them and my extended family?
I'm sorry about typing all that out, I never intended to, it kinda just flowed out as the backstory to a very complex question. A lot of it is probably completely unnecessary, but I just typed it as it came to me. I put it in D&D because I'm sure this is a topic that can be hotly debated regarding family dynamics and issues. You could also vent about your own rotten families, or possibly tell us how relieved you are to have a fantastic one.
For those of you that took the time to read all this, how about a little themed humor for some added payoff.
Skinner: "I've always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child."
Sound familiar?
I put the tl;dr first, because here is some long and drawn out back story.
I'm 25, I wanted to move out around 21-22, but my parents always convinced me to stay. Part of it had to do with the fact that it would have been hard to afford a place of my own during that time working shitty jobs and going to college. Another part being that it would be wise to live at home rent free and save up my money for a home, instead of just giving somebody the same amount of money as a mortgage to stay in an apartment where all the money I invest into it to live there goes towards nothing. The final most important part of it was the fact that my real father in Europe still paid child support, beyond age 18, because living in another continent and not having much part in my life outside of yearly visits, it was the honorable thing to do, by at least helping contribute to my upbringing in some sense.
Every once in a while I'd want to leave the nest and I'd get yanked back, convinced that it was just smart to stay at home for the time being and just save up my money. Though I'm sure the monthly child support payments they got were a big part of it, and then the fact that at various times they had toyed with the idea of charging me rent anyway on top of it kinda threw out those altruistic reasonings they always gave me.
It was a fairly abusive household, verbally and physically, so moving out was always top of mind for me. But the idea of saving up my money mad staying more of a battle of attrition than anything else. Like a man suffering through horrible misery in the pursuit of an ultimate goal. I always thought to myself that if I could just get through this, last another year, another two, or however many it takes, I'll be that much better prepared on the other side, and things will be that much easier in the future. My dream was to own my own place, so that I could control and live my own life under my rules. Not some crappy rental that I could be booted out of at any time, where all my money put in would not equal an ounce of equity.
About 2 years ago I had this really awesome job that payed really well, I had to drop out of college to take it ironically as I was going to school just to get a degree to qualify for that job. They told me I was qualified enough as is and told me to drop out and start working NAOW! I was saving up all my money and was about 6 months away from putting the down payment on a condo, to be able to start my own life, when the economy went south. I was let go and my dream yanked away from me.
My parents at this point told me to either find another "acceptable" full time job, or go back to school. The "acceptable" part is important to note because in the past my parents had browbeaten me out of quitting multiple jobs and finding new better ones only to decide that now those were not good enough and I had to get a new EVEN better one a few months later in the past, in a case of ever moving goal posts. I was working fast food as a kid and then that wasn't good enough so I had to get a new job, and I started working at a grocery store. Then months later that wasn't good enough and I had to find a better job, so I started working retail. Then that wasn't good enough, so I started working security in COMPTON. Then after a while they said that working 35-50 hours a week wasn't enough and I should ask for more hours. So I finally ended up getting an awesome job in the videogame industry working 60ish hours a week and that shut them up for a while until they said I should go to school at the same time, but I lost the job before the browbeating could go any further than that.
Shortly after losing my job I was still out there at industry events networking and trying to get my next gig. I made a nice contact chatting with the CEO of a startup game network at the launch party for the DSI, and he made me an offer. He said that he needed hosts and since they were just starting up and establishing themselves they could not afford to pay me at the time, but any work and travel I did would be all expenses paid. Hopefully in the future they would hit it big, sell the idea, or get some major investors and then they would start paying everyone what they deserved. If anything I'd get some free travel to gaming events I'd pay to get into, in exchange for the "work" of chatting with major developers on camera. Worst case scenario free travel to game events and job experience that would go great on my resume, best case scenario I get a really awesome job down the road. I explained the situation to my parents and they said to go for it. So I did and for the next year or so I would collect unemployment while working pro-bono and being flown all around the United States on the company dime.
Note: I checked with the government first, so don't think I was defrauding anybody, they said that it's ok as long as I wasn't getting paid. Basically interning for training and job experience is an ok excuse while collecting unemployment.
Things were going well, but it wasn't like I was on trips every day or even week, so in the intervening weeks between events and trips, that sometimes lasted for weeks at a time, I would do what I could to carry my weight around the house keeping it clean. You know, dusting and vacuuming once a week, doing all the dishes daily, straightening everything up daily, cleaning up the kitchens and bathrooms every couple of days, etc. Eventually that wasn't good enough, once again the you need to do better monster started to rear its head, and my stepfather let on that he was seething over the fact that I sit around at home and I'm not working every day or at least going to school, and the fact that I, "Occasionally lift a feather duster" was meaningless to him. He said I needed to get a paying job, which meant I wouldn't be able to keep hoping for the one I was currently pro-bonoing as it would not work to have a steady job and then another one where you vanish for days/weeks at a time to jet set around the world at the same time. Also unless I could get another job like my recent well paying one, it would make no sense to go out and get a menial job at say McDonnalds for example as I'd end up making less there than I was getting in unemployment. That's why I was holding out for this thing to work out or trying to find another tech job.
I decided to go the other route and try school again. Since the economic downturn schools were getting pretty full pretty fast, so I couldn't just get right in, I had to wait a couple of semesters. I started up all the paperwork, was meeting with counselors, staff, doing everything I needed to do until a typo coupled with bad information screwed me. I was always told I had till date X to register for semester Y. Then one day I go into the office for some paperwork and they inform me that it was actually date Y for semester Y and that there was nothing I could do about it. The next available semester I could register for would be Fall of 2011... Let that sink in, and remember that this was about a year ago, FALL OF 2011! I showed them the paperwork that they had giving me saying date X, I reminded them that they had always told me date X, and they said sorry, but you are the one that gets fucked in this situation and nobody can do anything about it. So I fought it for a while, but then other things came up.
Our house was broken into, a few minor things were stolen from the rest of the house, but I got the brunt of it. They stole about 10 grand in games and electronics from my room. My entire collection was demolished and insurance refused to cover a dime of it because of some fancy wording in the contract. They not only stole years worth of stuff from me, but I'd have to start rebuilding from scratch myself without any help from the insurance my family had spent years paying into. To be honest, on a side note, I'd have sooner, if given the choice, kept my save files from all the games and systems stolen than a big fat check from insurance, because that's something you just can't buy back.
I have to go back about 6 months or so now, because this part kinda mixes into all that so I couldn't just drop it in anywhere. Once again my parents were entertaining the idea of charging me rent on top of the child support, and when I said that the fucking child support is rent they would laugh in my face saying that doesn't count. It's weird how it came up from time to time, they always said that if I was going to school full time or working full time that they wouldn't charge me rent, but would still occasionally bring up and toy with the idea with me anyway, while out of the other side of the mouth telling me not to move out because it would save me money. Though they always told me that if daddy ever stopped paying that I would have to start cause somebody had to pay!
Between the idea of being charged double rent, and the crappy abusive home life I decided to move out, made my plans, and found two different living situations that offered to let me stay with them if I would just move out and escape my parents. Let me make this clear, I didn't ask them, they asked me if I wanted to. I decided to take one of them up on their offer as soon as I got back from visiting my father in Spain. When I got back well what do you know one of the spots had been given to someone else and the living situation of the other had changed to where it would not work. Crap, without a place to go I decided to stick around a little longer until I could find another one. I had already told my father that I was moving out, so he decided to finally stop paying child support as his responsibility had long ended, and even though I did not move out immediately he knew it. I kept him abreast of the situation and let him know exactly when I did move out. In the intervening time I was doing the pro-bono gig, trying to get back into school, got robbed, etc.
A few months later, as they invariably do an explosive fight happened between my family and I. I took it as a good sign and finally said to hell with the consequences and moved in with my boyfriend. At the time they said I owed them some back rent for the last few months, which I grudgingly paid and moved out with not so much as a goodbye from my stepfather.
Now, I've been on my own for about 6 months and am very happy to be out of that place. I love my mother, but she has an explosive violent temper, and I've never thought much of my stepfather. He's an angry violent drunken stoner, a bully that is an absolute logic vacuum, if I said the sky was blue he'd say it was black just to disagree with me. He also had a stupid thug of a son (that is probably going to end up in jail at some point) that he would defend to the death against me, so it was best I just stayed out of his way no matter what he had done or I hadn't done. It was just a fight that couldn't be won. Mother and stepfather also had a nasty habit of double teaming me in arguments which means God himself could be telling them I was right and, it wouldn't do a single bit of good, another situation that just could not be won no matter what. Though in defense of my mother she loves me very much and most of their fights between themselves were about me in which she defended me from this or that. She always said she'd pick me over him, but often times it didn't feel like it. As a child it was savage beatings, but after calling child services it just turned to sever verbal and psychological abuse. As you can see I'm much better off and happier on my own, though I have scars that will most likely never heal.
Anyway getting towards the end. I was just recently visiting (I still want to see my mother from time to time. By the way they haven't even so much as seen my new place nor expressed any interest in visiting.) and setting up a sound system for them (every single visit for the last 6 months has been fix this or fix that electronic device) when they called me into the other room and blindsided me with the fact that they believe I owe them more money. It was a really heated argument, but I believe I settled up with them when I moved out. It wasn't much but I gave them close to a grand and they didn't give any impression that I'd owe more later, that was what they said I owed them. But now they are saying that what I paid was only the first part of it for the first couple of months, and now I owe them another grand for the last couple. They mentioned that I'd been sitting on my ass collecting unemployment, even calculating out how much I'd been earning, what dire financial straights they were in, my nest egg, and if it was fair that I got to live there for free for that period of a few months that I hadn't paid for. I left before any resolution was reached, them yelling after me in plain view and earshot of my boyfriend who probably heard a good deal of it. Like right when my stepfather was saying that he tolerated my living there because "daddy" was paying for it.
I talked to my father about it and he doesn't think I owe them a dime. In Europe the idea of charging your child rent to live at home is unheard of. You take care of your family, and to charge your own child rent especially during a time like this, when they had lost their job, is downright sleezy. When visited my Father again just recently he gave me just a bit of money, a couple grand to help me out now that I'm on my own. I didn't ask for it, I told him he didn't have to, but he's my father and he wants to help me out seeing as he can't be a bigger part of my life. I floated the idea to him, and he agrees, that they know he gave me some money and they probably think they can take advantage of the situation and demand some more back rent out of me.
So the million dollar question is, should I pay this blood money to my parents, or stand my ground and say no even with the possibility that it might estrange me from them and my extended family?
I'm sorry about typing all that out, I never intended to, it kinda just flowed out as the backstory to a very complex question. A lot of it is probably completely unnecessary, but I just typed it as it came to me. I put it in D&D because I'm sure this is a topic that can be hotly debated regarding family dynamics and issues. You could also vent about your own rotten families, or possibly tell us how relieved you are to have a fantastic one.
For those of you that took the time to read all this, how about a little themed humor for some added payoff.
Skinner: "I've always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child."
Sound familiar?
Playstation/Origin/GoG: Span_Wolf Xbox/uPlay/Bnet: SpanWolf Nintendo: Span_Wolf SW-7097-4917-9392 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/Span_Wolf/
The_Spaniard on
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I paid rent to my parents when I had a job and lived at home. I didn't when I couldn't since they're y'know my... parents. Being family kinda means being there for people when they need it.
From what I read here you owe them nothing. You paid them some bullshit money they asked for out of nowhere before, and now they think they can get more out of you. If they wanted rent they should have asked for it when you lived at home, not done this. Any family that pulls something like this isn't worth associating with.
edit: I'm european, but I fail to see how being somewhere else makes it okey for parents to be silly geese.
Either way I am reminded of the line from Thank You For Smoking. "Brad, I'm his *father*. You're the guy fucking his mom. "
When I was unemployed, I paid nothing.
Retroactively charging you just when you leave is stupid, and a sign of horrible parenting.
Also, what's up with pressuring you to get a 50+ hour job and go to school?
I think its time they grew up and realised that you're not a little kid they can boss around or steal money from anymore (claiming unannounced "back rent" is tantamount to attempted theft imo).
If your mum gets angry just remind her that she always said she would choose you over him, therefore now would be the time to prove it - you've done your best and still want to be a part of her life but its not fair constantly having to second guess what they're going to demand from you next.
Tough situation, but your mum has made her decision with respect to living with this man, so you've got to make your own decisions about how much interaction you want with them.
You definitely shouldn't pay them a dime.
You don't owe your parents a dime, legally. I sure as hell wouldn't pay them after being yelled at about it-not to mention toyed with about it the way you were. My inclination is to tell you to tell them to fuck completely the hell off. They're sure as hell not entitled to any money your father gave you. But...
Lemme put it this way-do you want to pay them? Do you feel like you owe them? The very last thing you want to do is leave the situation unfinished in your own head (the next to last thing you want to do is let somebody else, including your parents, bully you into anything). The only person you've got to get right with in a spot like this is yourself, but you really do need to do your best to make sure that in five years when the money doesn't matter you don't feel like you screwed your mom over.
Interesting counterpoint-I moved in with my parents while I was apartment hunting several years ago. They wouldn't let me pay rent. My mother gave me the same line your parents did-need to save money to get an apartment, blah, blah so on. I kinda pressed the issue in an argument, and my dad told me that a) the "his house, his rules" rule from my childhood still applied-he wouldn't feel right telling me what to do if I were paying rent, therefor I couldn't pay rent, and b) I'd hadn't lived at home much after high school, while both of my siblings did, therefor it made "my mother" feel better that they could help me out (he was lying his ass off about my mother feeling guilty, he felt guilty).
Don't give them money. It's a black hole. Anything you put in will never get returned, they'll just ask for more because you'll give it to them.
Unless you actually signed a witnessed legally binding document, do not give them a dime. There's no reason to.
But that's the wrong question. The right question is, "Do these people even deserve to have me in their lives?"
Honestly, I think the answer to that question is no, but that's something only you can answer. A large part of growing up is seeing your parents not as just your mother and father, but as a woman and a man. As regular people with motives and dreams and such that have nothing to do with you. I'd implore you to examine these people from a stranger's standpoint and then examine what effect these strangers have on your life.
It sounds to me, from the information you've given that they're pretty awful people. I'd cut the cord.
Did they pay for these services?
I think this is the right idea. I would just turn it back on them. Say you owe nothing since you've been their personal electrician for the past 6 months. Leave it at that.
On the other hand, you could just drop them and be done with it. That's always a viable option, too.
Find the bank statement with the $1000 transfer and hold it close
Your dad is cool
If you didnt have an agreement with your parents for rent ahead of time, fuck em is what I say. It's not unheard of to charge a child rent after 18 if he has a job, for electricity/food/being annoying, but after the fact is bullshit. You gave them money, after they were continuing to receive money from your father in europe, and now they want more? There always going to want more.
You just have to be ready to realize that once you turn, you probably cant go back, or if you can go back, they are going to do everything in their power to fuck you over. If you want to be a dick about this, you could form a bill for services, and fluff it up more then the rent, past and now claims of what you owe, and say youill settle up when they do.
That sounds suspicious.
But anyway, yeah, stay away from them. If you must, try to call your mom occasionally when step-dad is out, but I wouldn't go there anymore.
I grew up in a very similar situation, my father was all the bad though, my mother was simply passiev about it, while he was explosively violent, completely addicted to weed(completely, as in, would rather smoke than eat, and would sacrifice living conditions for his family for it) and after I had moved out for about 3 years, had secure gainful employment, he lost his job, and my parents 'needed help' so my brother and I offered to 'help'
'help' ended up being money, a shitton of money, that he called an 'investment' in his home, that we would someday see a return on. Shortly(I say shortly, but it was about two years before we realized how badly he was squandering everything we gave him, and it came out we were actually in financial ruin despite having relatively well paying jobs) after using us for well over 500 bucks a month each, every month, which he would spend on drugs, and then force my brother and I to cover the mortage, he literally just bounced when we couldn't afford to feed his addiction anymore.
Now that we aren't covering his insane habit, life is much better, the house is affordable, and we've changed the locks.
If you're in a situation like that, just get out, you aren't doing your parents or yourself any favors. They are seriously using you, and will continue to use you until you refuse to let it happen.
My old man flipped out and ran away, to get his own place and file for divorce when we stopped letting him blow all our money on drugs / booze instead of rent, and my brother and I were finally able to free ourselves and our mum by standing up to him on it, but a good lot of that was getting over the guilt of doing it, and just doing it, because hey, it's your family, and at the end of the day, you have a bred to the bone instinct of dedication to them, sometimes though, they don't diserve this dedication.
There is no legal or moral grounds for this request. Ideally, you'd like to help your parents and your parents would like to help you out when things are tough because you are family and you care about one another, but it sounds like your parents really don't see thing that way.
Also, your step-father sounds like a leech. I agree with the idea that you should meet your Mom somewhere neutral and talk about it with her.
Good luck!
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
I read through the TLDR and got as far as this. Unless the story progresses from here to involve genies and dragons and shit I'm fairly certain I've formed my opinion regarding paying anyone anything: Fuck that shit.
Fuck that shit and fuck them. Even dogs raise their offspring without abusing them. Do you get that analogy? Your family are worse than dogs. You don't owe them anything. If anything, they owe you a real upbringing.
I will be seriously disappointed if you ever ever do anything in your life to make their lives in any way easier or better. I recommend you cut off all ties. Alternatively, you can embark on an alter-ego journey based on making their lives worse by doing shit like letting air out of their tires and switching their sugar and salt. Do not give them money.
That said, I'm basing all this on only reading a quarter of your post. Can anyone who has read the rest of the post tell me if I'm out of line? I can't really think of any reason to give abusive parents money, but maybe there is?
Edit: I skimmed the rest of the post. Yeah, 'abusive' wasn't a hyperbolic statement. You were legitimately abused. You were fucking abused and now you want to give these people money? And you go back home to fix things for them?! Are you serious?! I'm at a loss for words.
You need to find a therapist right now, and you need to stop talking to your mom and step-dad immediately.
Edit2: You got robbed by your parents.
Edit2.5: People, get ANGRIER. What is this shit about whether she charged for being their electrician or whatever. THEY ABUSED HER. She could fucking rob them and burn the house down right now and I'd say her parents STILL owe her. You do not abuse children and deserve ANYTHING for the rest of your life besides begging for forgiveness. I've had no personal experience with abuse so I don't even feel like I'm speaking from some slanted biased perspective. Why aren't you people more worked up?
You do not owe them a thing Spaniard. They should count themselves lucky that you still acknowledge they exist.
Are you worried about losing your relationship with your mother? At best she's letting the man that beat her child talk her into screwing that same child out of money. If she loves you and wants to legitimately be a part of your life then you won't lose her over this.
If she has nothing to do with you now that you're no longer a source of free money then what have you lost?
Also, stop going over there to fix their shit. Either the step-dad or his son probably stole all your equipment.
It sounds like if you pay them now this is just going to continue. Now is as good a time as any to stand up for yourself.
I also kind of like the idea of submitting them a bill for fixing various electronic devices, but I feel like that's kind of sinking to their level and sidestepping the issue.
You just need to tell them "No" and be firm about it.
However you decide to go about telling your parents they can go fuck themselves, I hope things turn out as well as they can. Your real father seems to be a pretty stand up and classy gentleman from what you've said, maybe you guys class it up around Europe sometime, strolling around in top hats and what not. You know, Europe.
Best of luck.
Goddamn, I'm actually angry now. And I don't even know you, and am generally very mellow, but seriously wtf.
edit: or I guess I could have just said I agree with pretty much everything in Cognisseur's post.
edit 2: I'm in Europe too, but seriously, taking care of your child instead of exploiting it economically can't fucking be unique to Europe. To say nothing of abuse. Goddamn.
I'm hoping that all these replies will give you the courage to walk away. I realize its difficult, but you need to do it. Now. Please!
It's not REALLY that weird is it? I mean the ties of family go deep, even if they are being abusive, even if you know you're getting used, sometimes it's really, really hard to tell your parents off, it's easy to feel like you owe them something even if you don't, and thats a difficult thing to get over. It took my brother and I years, and neither of us are particularly weak-willed. Parents acting like this is something society doesn't really get you ready for. Dealing with it is, unique.
They may have damaged you but not irreparably so. You were sick, but now you're well, and there's work to do.
I've been a freelancer for a long time and everyone who works like this will tell you: you shouldn't count on the vague hopes of a company "hitting it big" before you get paid. There are several more likely outcomes: the founder runs out of capital and the thing goes belly-up; the company gets sold to a larger firm to acquire an idea and they have their own staff, without a contract you won't get anything; the company will become slightly better off and will start getting paid staff and you're already free, so what's the rush in paying you?
Yes, it's neat you get to travel around but you can't eat travel, you can't pay your rent with it, and you can't invest in your future with it.
If you are actually meeting people that would lead to bigger things there is some value in that but maybe not as much value as you'd assume, and in the meantime, you have to eat. And, to be blunt, if the position was important it'd come with a paycheck.
Find something else, anything else. Even being employed helps your chances of getting another, better job. I can't imagine, while looking at your work history, an interviewer is going to say, "So you were on unemployment while working pro-bono for a year? Fantastic!"
In the meantime you can travel on their dime but don't hold out for some magical job that will pop up in the industry. You are young and have no degree and not a lot of relevant experience in a jobs market that couldn't be any worse for young people without degrees and not a lot of relevant experience. In the past a company would take a chance on a young person because at least they'd get cheap labor, but now there are folks with years of experience willing to work for cheap.
You blame a lot of people in your post. When an opportunity arises you need to give it your complete attention. When you are applying to school there is no excuse for missing deadlines. Even if some adviser tells you the wrong dates it's still your problem. Another semester starts in January. Don't be too proud to hit a community college if you don't have an AA. With an AA it'll be easier to get into a BS/BA program at a state university.
It's your life now, time to take ownership of it. Good luck, and don't pay them a goddamn cent.
Burn baby burn
e: and good luck! go be with people who actually care about you and live
No way, don't do this.
They're asking for money now because the last time they did, you paid up.
If you pay up again, even if you haggle them down to a lower amount, this will NOT be the last time they do something like this.
They will continue to leech off of you as long as they think they can.
No. Absolutely not. Do anything but this. ANYTHING but this. Do NOT normalize this situation.
If you don't have the guts to tell them to fuck off, find a therapist immediately and begin working on those issues.
From what you've written, compromising between what your family wants and deserves shouldn't be giving them partial money, but would rather be burning down only half of their house or keying their car only every other day.
If you don't speak to them again ever in your life, that would be noble and gracious of you in itself.
If you should continue a civil relationship with the mother (AFTER GETTING THERAPY) that would be noble to the point of martyrdom on your behalf.
But to GIVE THEM MONEY? For no good reason? After an abusive childhood? No. That's not nobility; that's cowardice and contributing to continued abuse.
Do not pay them a cent.
Let me clarify on a few things people have been saying.
I'm not a girl.
I doubt my parents robbed me, I just can't fathom it. So to explain that a bit, while I was robbed of 10 grand, my little brother had his xbox 360, a few games, and TV stolen. My parents had 2 guns (rifle and shotgun), one of them my stepfather's grandfather's, and a new Best Buy computer (worth about 500 bucks) still in box stolen. So as you can see everybody else got off soooooo much easier than I did. Though the only suspect thing I will say is that in their haste the buglers did not take money that my parents had stashed in plain view on a closet shelf.
My family is not poor. My father in Spain comes from a wealthy family, and our family crest bears the mark of respect from the royal crown. But when my mother divorced him and moved me to America to marry this new guy we did start out all over again, dirt poor in the ghetto. But over the years we worked our way back up to at least middle class. So no my family isn't poor and as such trying to get money anywhere it can. Though as I mentioned they had been hurting quite a bit financially with the economic downturn and my mother having lost her job a few months back. They had been borrowing money from my stepfather's grandparents to make a few bills.
Some people have gotten the idea that my family is complete and utter slime. I just want to say that I've lived a pretty good life, outside of the abuse have wanted for nothing, it wasn't all bad. I've always been fed and clothed, and had my toys and videogames. There were highs and lows, and well the lows were really low, and beaty, and psychologically scarring.
One guy said the school thing was my own fault, it really couldn't have possibly been. I spent months functioning under the assumption that I had until a certain date to register, because I had to wait a couple of semesters to be able to start since things were so packed. I didn't just assume the date, I was repeatedly told the date and had it in writing CIRCLED by them on their paperwork. How in any conceivable sense could I be held accountable for their mistake? Am I just supposed to be a cynic by default and not believe anything I'm ever told and be sure to research everything to the point of not trusting bus schedules? I tried to fight it, and the only reason I dropped it is because I finally ended up moving out.
A few people have mentioned therapy, I'd love to, but how am I going to afford it while I'm unemployed?
You owe them a beating is what you owe them.
To add to what others have said, and speaking here with a parent's POV:
-Please, please keep in mind that abusive parents want you to think that their behavior is 'normal' and that their abuse is part of a 'normal' parent-child relationship. It is NOT normal for a loving parent to stay married to an abuser and let that person abuse their kids. It is NOT normal for parents to belittle or try to take advantage of their kids financially.
-Parents who are reasonable and fair might charge their adults kids rent. They do so by saying 'if you want to live with us, that's fine but you will need to pay $X a month rent'." They do not do so by retroactively deciding you owe them money. Most parents DON'T charge their kids rent, by the way.
-Parents who are in dire financial straits and need money from their kids do so without abusive bullshit. "We need rent because we can't pay the mortgage"? Sure. "Oh by the way you owe us six months' back rent'? No.
-I get that you love your mom, but you need to take a step away. She is abusing you and allowing her husband to abuse you with this good cop/bad cop routine. By doing them favors and visiting in their home you're giving them an opening to abuse and use you. Get some distance and perspective. And please don't take this as a put-down, but as genuine advice: if you're not, please please please talk to a therapist/counselor about your abusive family.
I'm not going to pretend that I'm Mother of the Year, but I would NEVER treat my kids the way your mom and stepdad treat you, and neither would any of the other parents I know. This is crap.
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