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Should I go and see someone?
Solar
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey there guys, got something I would like to ask you. You see, I'm kind of worried that I have some sort of disorder where I swing wildly from highs to lows.
I mean, sometimes it's like I'm on a caffeine high or something, I just talk to people loads and want to spend time with people and all that, and I'm kind of a little manic. And then sometimes I am just so so down, which wouldn't be so bad except there's no reason. I just look out of the window or something and I realise that I am miserable and my life sucks, even though there's no reason why it should suck, because there are people who have it far worse than white middle-class, healthy old me. This doesn't happen all the time, I have inbetween moments, but it happens sometimes. I am just jumpy or down for no reason at all. And in those moments there so much I want to just say, you know? Like I want to just say everything which is on my mind and how I feel but I can't because who wants to listen to that shit anyway. It's like I want to shout it all out but I'm so damn constricted by my own self that I can't. I never talk about how I feel. Never.
Plus there's this wierd thing I have where I can meet people and talk to them and like them but I can't make friends with them. I have so many acquaintences but I find it hard to actually make friends. And when it comes to girls I suck, I can talk to them easy and I like them I just never actually do anything with them. It;s the same acquaitance not actually someone close. I never ask them out because they'll just say no, and I can't be dealing with that. There is a girl right now who I should be asking out. If she said no then I could probably deal because it would be no biggie but I just can't do it. I don't know why.
I want to go and see someone but I'm afraid they'll laugh me out of there all like "yeah everyone feels like that don't be a pussy, there are people with real problems who have it much tougher than you etc." So do you think i should go and see someone? I don't know, and I can muddle on just like I do now. It's not like it's getting worse.
I just wish it would get a little better.
Edit: Edited some of what I said because I wanted to say it.
I mean, sometimes it's like I'm on a caffeine high or something, I just talk to people loads and want to spend time with people and all that, and I'm kind of a little manic. And then sometimes I am just so so down, which wouldn't be so bad except there's no reason. I just look out of the window or something and I realise that I am miserable and my life sucks, even though there's no reason why it should suck, because there are people who have it far worse than white middle-class, healthy old me. This doesn't happen all the time, I have inbetween moments, but it happens sometimes. I am just jumpy or down for no reason at all. And in those moments there so much I want to just say, you know? Like I want to just say everything which is on my mind and how I feel but I can't because who wants to listen to that shit anyway. It's like I want to shout it all out but I'm so damn constricted by my own self that I can't. I never talk about how I feel. Never.
Plus there's this wierd thing I have where I can meet people and talk to them and like them but I can't make friends with them. I have so many acquaintences but I find it hard to actually make friends. And when it comes to girls I suck, I can talk to them easy and I like them I just never actually do anything with them. It;s the same acquaitance not actually someone close. I never ask them out because they'll just say no, and I can't be dealing with that. There is a girl right now who I should be asking out. If she said no then I could probably deal because it would be no biggie but I just can't do it. I don't know why.
I want to go and see someone but I'm afraid they'll laugh me out of there all like "yeah everyone feels like that don't be a pussy, there are people with real problems who have it much tougher than you etc." So do you think i should go and see someone? I don't know, and I can muddle on just like I do now. It's not like it's getting worse.
I just wish it would get a little better.
Edit: Edited some of what I said because I wanted to say it.
Solar on
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No, they will not laugh at you or anything. Most people take positions to help others because they want to, so they don't despise or resent helping anyone as much as you'd think.
It also seems like you need some confidence. The same people can help you with that.
Talking to someone and (possibly) getting prescribed something will help, but other things like getting more exercise and trying to open up to people more are also good ideas.
I mean, it is possible to share your feelings with others without being a burden to them, and realizing that will make you feel more comfortable around others and less alienated.
As for the girl, I'd wonder if your concern stems less from a fear of rejection and more from a fear of what a relationship would entail, namely emotional intimacy.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
But I never actually get further than that. This actually might be me not caring enough. I can't open myself up. As for the girl I want emotional closeness (I do, I really do, I want to be with her) but at the same time I don't. I can't really explain why. I find myself wanting the closeness but I can't understand why someone would want to be close to me. I am not so great looking, I am not a cool guy, I am not funny, I am not that clever, I have no real future right now that I can see, but I can handle all that by myself, handle just being me, it's OK, not everyone is special and I should be grateful that life is not hard for me. I just don't see anyone wanting to be with me.
I want to see someone just to talk about this, but really I don't know if it's worth trying, if it will actually change anything. I'm twenty one and I have never had a girlfriend. I am fucking twenty one and I have never been able to connect with someone in that way. I think it's just me. I want to talk to someone about this but at the same time I have this wierd thing where I don't. I re-read this post right now and I feel like such a fucking drama queen.
Thanks for the responses guys, seriously, I appreciate it. Thanks.
Mine was messed up by a chronic pain disorder I still suffer from. It kept serotonin from being released correctly, so I always felt depressed. I mean, suicidal, depressed, and talking to anybody about it came at great embarrassment. I was unable to connect with anybody about it. Eventually I just told my doctor about it, and he told me about brain chemistry, pain, and the interactions between them. That's not to say pain is required for unhealthy brain chemistry, (your brain chemistry could be screwed up because there isn't enough sunlight, and your D-vitamin is low. ) some people are simply more fragile than others. You're probably just really sensitive. I am, too.
You owe it to yourself to talk to your doctor. If you can have a better life, and you can expose your real self, you have to see if it's there. And it will be. It just can't come through when chemistry won't allow it. Please call and make an appointment.
If you are very concerned about your mental state, you should go and see a mental health professional, just like how if you were very concerned about a persistent pain in your chest I would hope you would find a specialist.
schizoid personality disorder?
You know, I have never talked about this to anyone before. The last time I even said to someone that I was upset was back when I was about ten and I was bullied at school, but since then I have never actually talked about how I feel as a person, and especially not about the emotional stuff like above. It;s kind of funny really, I have never met any of you in person and you know probably more about how I feel about myself than my family or friends do. Is that fucked up? I think it might be a little.
Again, thank you for the responses. It took a long time and a lot of self-persuasion for me to actually decide to post this thread, and I think it was worth it. Thank you.
but anyway, yeah talking about it even on the internet is probably a good thing
should probably see someone though
I did not know what it was, assmued it was like Schizophrenia. I guess it's not then.
EDIT: Fucking hell but I don't want to. Why don't I want to.
Sounds much more likely to be Social Anxiety Disorder, to me.
If I had to guess it's because you don't want to be the guy that needs to. Do you think any less of others who need to? If not, don't be so hard on yourself. If so, why?
I don't think less of others for going to see someone. Feeling like I do means that I have sympathy for these people, even if I don't like it when somebody complains over nothing. And maybe it is sort of because I don't want to be the guy that needs to, but really I don't know why. I want to see them, rationally I want to see someone because I want to talk about this and because I want to change things. I don't like this.
But at the same time I don't want to go. I can't say why but it's there. Maybe I'd called it apathy, I want to go but I won't, I'll just sit there, that kind of thing, but apathy isn't it.
It's like, thinking me wants to go but unthinking me doesn't. For some reason which I can't get. In the same way that when I'm down thinking me doesn't know why but unthinking me is still fucking miserable. I don't get it but I feel it.
You know what I feel right now? That I'm wasting the time of everyone posting in this thread. That this is all stupid and I should just get over myself, I'm fine and just blowing everything out of proportion. But I don't think I am fine. Rationally, I don't think that.
bingo
stop rationalizing in circles, you're just going to keep yourself in this comfortable state of discomfort where you don't have to actually take risks
pick up the phone and get help for yourself
i am not kidding, go take some sort of action towards this right now
I can't. I got the web address of my university's counselling service open right now. They have an e-mail address and I can't send them an e-mail. I can't bring myself to do it. I mean, what if I am right and it is nothing? I take a free session and get told that shit is OK and that I have to deal with it. If it turns out to be something I can get some form of help. There is no downside, there is no downside whatsoever in the slightest. A normal person should be able to choose to do this even if they felt fine. But I'm sitting here at the fucking computer and I'm staring at the screen and I just can't do it. I already posted this thread and I feel like a crazy person for doing that. I can't take this next step now.
At this point you're going to do it or you aren't. You're going to be the guy who recognizes the problem and breaks the cycle, or you're going to be the guy stuck in the cycle.
It's a process, not by any means an overnight thing. It's pretty clear to everyone, including you, what you need to do. You have confirmation that this is what you should do in the form of nearly unanimous agreement in this thread, but we can't go to your house and do it for you, so the rest is pretty much up to you. I understand your frustration with yourself, but you are really, truly the only person who can put yourself on the road to fixing it.
Thank you all for the help. I really, really appreciate it.
Actually, it sounds nothing like bipolar disorder, excpet that he has highs and lows, just like every other person on the planet.
To echo everyone else though, just do it. The first appointment will be the hardest one, everything after is just you getting better. Rip off the bandaid man and go.
People don't swing wildly from highs to lows. I'm not a doctor, but one of my best friends has bipolar disorder and he experiences similar symptoms.
-Current W.I.P.
And there are lots of disorders and other issues that exist. None of us are in a place to say "this is that" but we are in a place to say "Go see a professional."
thankfully Solar has done that and I hope everything goes well.
Whether it turns out to be a medical problem or not, it's really helpful to have a non-judgemental listener who can help you hear what you are saying. It's not a waste of time, either yours or theirs: you need the listener, they need the practice listening ^_^. So, in reality, you going to get counseling is beneficial for both you and the counselor.
Good on you for making an appointment.
Yes, they do. I did all the time as a child, until I learned to manage my emotional state. I am not, nor have I ever been bipolar.
I'm glad you managed to make an appointment. It can be really difficult to make the first step with this sort of thing, I remember I had to basically hound one of my friends for a couple of months before they checked in with a counselor. There's a stigma associated with going to get counseling which can be hard to get over at first. It sounds like you've gotten over that, however, which is awesome.
Bottom line is, you don't have to be diagnosed with anything in order to benefit from counseling. It's not like they only deal with "crazy" people, counselors are also generally pretty good listeners who can provide objective advice on situations you may need help with. If you don't like the way you feel, they are the people to talk to. Going to one does not automatically mean you have a disorder of any kind, but if you end up having one then they can also help you with that. Think of it this way - they are literally making their careers out of their ability to help people figure out their mental issues. They're probably pretty good at it.
Good luck, and I hope your appointment goes well.
The great news is that there are very practical ways to help control your mood swings and take charge of your thought patterns, and counsellors/psychologists/psychiatrists are trained to help you access those things. You can best help your counsellor help you by being as straightforward and honest as possible when answering his/her questions. Remember that your brain is part of your body, and just like you'd see a doctor if something isn't right with your sinuses, it's absolutely the right thing to do to see a doctor when something isn't right with your moods and thought patterns.
Good luck, and go go go to that appointment.
I'm pretty nervous! Silly really, but there it is.
Bipolar disorder is characterized by extremes. That's its definition. It's not "I feel happy, now I feel sad" the highs and lows are HUGE and completely life disrupting. I don't know your friend, so I won't comment on his diagnosis, but I'm just stating what the classic definition of bi-polar is.
To the OP though, excellent job, you've done half the hard part. The rest is just showing up. Honestly, you'd be amazed how much better you feel once you just start talking to someone. It really is cathartic.
Bipolar is a rather specific diagnosis which can express itself in a variety of ways. It is also a pretty big deal, mental health-wise. The most common bar for diagnosis is having episodes of depression and mania that last more than three weeks.
The real question is if these episodes of "mania" are actually mania. Tell-tale signs tend to include things like mild to severe delusional thinking and a distinct shift in personality.
In any case, a professional is the right person to talk to and can diagnose and treat far better than any of us here.
Solar: I think it has been mentioned, but don't feel at all poorly about "shopping around" for a therapist. I was at a mental health event yesterday where we got on the topic of finding a therapist and nearly every person in attendance spoke about how they had to go through X number of therapists before finding one that "fits". Many therapists will hold a first appointment for free, and a good number are willing to have a short phone conversation before making an appointment. I'm sure, now, you have no idea what you're looking for, but do not, in any way, feel as if you have to continue with a specific therapist. One of the most helpful things you can do is to recognize that you need certain things in an approach, and to act on those needs when choosing someone to talk to.
Best of luck!
Also guys, let's shelf the bipolar/not bipolar thing for another time and forum. It's not useful to this thread.
At the end she asked me if it was OK for her to contact the university psychiatrist, arrange an appointment, which I agreed to. Basically she said it might be something which requires medical treatment (meds, I guess) or it might be something which can be talked through in counselling, but that the psychiatrist would be the best person to talk to, see what she thought, and then go from there.
I don't know if I feel any better now, but it was certainly nice to have someone listen and care (not that you guys didn't, it's just different in person). That this is step on the path feels kind of positive, not really good but positive. I've been stuck in my own rut for as long as I can remember, and now I'm getting out of it, and moving forward. Hopefully I can keep on going from here and find something that makes a difference.
Thanks. I appreciate that.