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Wedding Brain Dump
Actinguy1
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
Okay, now that that's out of the way...what advice, things to consider, things to watch out for, etc do you have? This is a first-wedding for both of us. We're both in our mid-20's, dated for 16 months so far, and lived together for 8 of those months. We're considering wedding dates during the summer of 2011, six months out. I just proposed last night. Off the top of our heads, we've come up with a list of approx 150 people to invite.
Areas that we already know will be tricky:
1) My friends are relatively responsible and well-off for our ages, but her friends are generally broke and unemployed. She is particularly worried about one girl that she wants to have as a bridesmaid. She's worried about how flaky the girl is, and the fact that she won't be able to pay for her own dress, her part of the bachelorette party, etc. The money is a minor thing, but the flakiness is a real concern. Thoughts?
2) This is a biggie. I'm from Pennsylvania, she is from California. We met in Cali while I lived there, and I convinced her to move back to Pittsburgh with me. Because she has poor friends and ill family members, we're planning to have the wedding in California, since it will be easier for her side, whereas my side can be more flexible and accomodating. Of course, this requires planning a wedding on the other side of the country from where we live.
Ok...let the brain dump begin! Any and all advice, etc, is fully appreciated.
Thank you!
tl;dr: Getting married in California, live in Pennsylvania. Concerns about flakiness of bridesmaid. General advice?
Okay, now that that's out of the way...what advice, things to consider, things to watch out for, etc do you have? This is a first-wedding for both of us. We're both in our mid-20's, dated for 16 months so far, and lived together for 8 of those months. We're considering wedding dates during the summer of 2011, six months out. I just proposed last night. Off the top of our heads, we've come up with a list of approx 150 people to invite.
Areas that we already know will be tricky:
1) My friends are relatively responsible and well-off for our ages, but her friends are generally broke and unemployed. She is particularly worried about one girl that she wants to have as a bridesmaid. She's worried about how flaky the girl is, and the fact that she won't be able to pay for her own dress, her part of the bachelorette party, etc. The money is a minor thing, but the flakiness is a real concern. Thoughts?
2) This is a biggie. I'm from Pennsylvania, she is from California. We met in Cali while I lived there, and I convinced her to move back to Pittsburgh with me. Because she has poor friends and ill family members, we're planning to have the wedding in California, since it will be easier for her side, whereas my side can be more flexible and accomodating. Of course, this requires planning a wedding on the other side of the country from where we live.
Ok...let the brain dump begin! Any and all advice, etc, is fully appreciated.
Thank you!
tl;dr: Getting married in California, live in Pennsylvania. Concerns about flakiness of bridesmaid. General advice?
Actinguy1 on
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Now, the important things: who is paying for the wedding? How much total do you expect to spend?
My parents don't know yet (telling them Christmas eve), but I think they'd be willing to help. My mother re-married into money (not millions, but money.)
EDIT: We don't have a budget yet, which I realize is an early step in this process. Realistic experience here, anyone?
150 is a good number of guests, keep in mind not everyone is going to RSVP yes. I would still go over the list and make at least another round of cuts, even if the budget allows more guests. You can always use the extra money for the honeymoon, hire a wedding planner, pay for travel expenses of relatives from out of town, or even down payment for a house in the future.
Have seating arrangements for your guests, it makes their life so much easier. That's assuming you are willing to put in the time to match different groups of people up to make their night more enjoyable.
Your fiance should start shopping for a dress if she hasn't already, it might even affect the budget (you really need to get the budget determined asap), reserve your tuxedos early, which means you'll need to know how many groomsmen you're going to have. Personally I would keep the wedding party small, I never understood the 6+ groomsmen/bridesmaids wedding party.
I don't see why you would want someone who could possibly flake on your wedding to be a bridesmaid, I don't see how she can be a significant friend in your life in the first place if you can't even trust her to make it to your wedding.
Her friends not having much money is another reason to keep the wedding party small, or save money from the smaller guest list, you can use the extra money to buy the bridesmaid dresses as gifts to her bridesmaids.
Take the wedding photos before the ceremony, assuming you don't care about the whole seeing the dress before the ceremony thing. It usually takes a long time, your guests will appreciate not having to wait over an hour just for the wedding party to arrive at the reception.
Before you plan anything else, reserve the ceremony and reception locations, and have a backup. It doesn't have to be at the same place, but don't make people have to drive across town, especially since most won't be familiar with the area.
If you can find an all-in-one service (location, food, pictures, flowers, dj), that'll make your life so much easier, much easier to coordinate, and less chance of something going wrong.
Given the circumstances, I think having the wedding in California is best for everyone, even though I have no idea how you can plan it, hire a wedding planner?
I know you're both excited, but take some time to just enjoy your engagement, even if it's just for a few days. Before you have friends and family hassling you for details at every corner.
Wedding planning is fun, but it can be stressful at times, and it's pretty easy to let it take over your life. Make sure you have days where you just hang out, go on dates, etc, free of planning.
Have you thought about eloping and just having a huge reception/party in California instead?
My wife and I got married 3 years ago and we had to plan an Oklahoma wedding while we lived in California. It worked out, but it was a huge pain in the ass to coordinate everything. When it was all said and done, we really enjoyed our wedding, but eloping would have been easier and we wouldn't have had to deal with family drama, wedding planning stress, and the all around hassle it is to plan a wedding.
At least think about it. Get married in Vegas, any family that wants to be there is invited, but don't make it mandatory. Then use all the money you would have spent on a wedding to throw a huge party in California for your friends and family.
I mean there is alot more to talk about... keep us updated!
Re: flakey friends, weird family, etc: that is what the Maid of Honor and the Best Man are for. They act as Chiefs of Staff for the thing, keeping people from getting too drunk/not drunk enough, showing up on time, not having sex with your cousins, etc. Her Maid of Honor should be made to understand that there's a wildcard in the group and that she needs to control the people that might flake and show up in jeans to the wedding.
They can be done and can be fun and can be full of special moments that last a life time.
We had this, the girl in question was her sister. We could afford to get the dress if it was just that, but she really couldn't be counted on to do anything, make decisions, pitch in, etc. My fiancee wanted her as her maid of honor, but after we asked she left us hanging for almost two months without making a decision. My fiancee didn't like to admit it, but in the end she decided the best thing to do was to drop her from the wedding party entirely. It helped that I was a bit short on friends anyway, it freed somebody up to usher.
Now, I'm not saying that's what you should do, but just our way of thinking. Being in the wedding party has a certain amount of responsibility. The way my fiancee sees it, is it really fair to the others to have them carry her sister who's not going to shoulder her share of those responsibilities? Depending on the situation you might still decide it is.
Additionally, you should probably specify what part of CA we're talking about, as the climate determines the viability of saving money by using a park.
http://www.windsorpeak.com/bridalbargains/
My wife and I got 3 or 4 books and regularly consulted my sister, who was a part-time wedding coordinator, and she agrees that this is the best resource you can get when planning a wedding. It really takes the lid off of the "Oh it's a wedding SO IT MUST BE THIS WAY" attitude and instead focuses on "It's YOUR wedding, here are some tips." I really recommend it.
Six months is already on the short side for some things, such as a reception hall and getting a dress tailored. If you don't have an absolute date yet, it might work better to plan the date based on the availability of other things, rather than plan your life around the date (at this stage of planning.)
@agentk13: My wife and I had to reserve a public park in California over a year in advance, and the only day we could get was a Thursday
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
She got a great deal on a great dress.
2. You're going to want to fly out and see your location in person for both ceremony and reception. Reception usually isn't as big a deal, but ceremony is huge.
Book your photographer well in advance and have a deposit ready. Make sure your bride to be is on track about having her dress adjusted so that whomever is doing the adjustments isn't booked up (we ran into this problem).
Don't be afraid to not invite relatives and friends that are tools. This is your day and more importantly, your future wife's day.
Get a small notebook and write out everything you want and exactly what you are going to need for the wedding and then call about quotes. Figure out how you're going to do seating and how many guests you will be inviting and then base your catering and cake on that.
Most of all just take a deep breath and relax. Wedding planning is wicked stressful, but it's worth it.
Steam ID: Good Life
a friend of ours did that and it looked like fun. if i was planning a wedding i would do that.
planning a long distance wedding is not that hard especially with the internet. we were living in CA and had our wedding in NJ. it helps to have a person you trust doing some legwork for you to help narrow things down for your ultimate decision.
I just want to second this. My buddy got married this weekend, and doing this was one of the best ideas of any wedding I've been a part of/been to. It was so much nicer to go from the wedding straight into the reception with only a small amount of time in between for the family pictures.
Another thing from this weekend that I'd mention is finding a place where you can have both the ceremony and the reception. It makes everyone's life easier not having to travel between locations, especially if you're going to have a number of people from out of town (directions, getting lost etc).
Yea, but the photographer took some really nice photos. They weren't "photobooth" quality. So wonderfully awesome.
If you're going to have a big wedding (and from the looks of it you're planning on it) give yourself more than six months to get it planned. Summer is the busiest time for weddings and you are likely to find it difficult to secure a good venue for that many people less than a year ahead of time.
Combine that with trucking 75-ish people across the country for what is essentially a week-long getaway and you are asking for trouble. Odds are a lot of people will have trouble fitting that into their schedules, while giving more time would allow for cheaper flights, hotel stays, etc.
So basically I'd strongly recommend considering winter 2011 or spring/summer 2012.
Congratulations!
The reason people tend to do photobooths is because for $X they get it for the whole reception and the people get to take the pictures home with them.
At my sister's wedding the guests got as many copies as they wanted (so for a group of 6 everyone could get one), one copy went into a scrapbook where you could write a message for the bride and groom and the couple also got all the photobooth pictures on a CD. I think this was like $300 total. T
o get a photographer to do this you would have to have them miss parts of the reception and likely pay quite a bit more for copies of the pictures. And it's unlikely guests would be able to take them home that night. I would not recommend having your photographer step away to do prom shots unless you have two photographers and don't have to worry about one missing the action.
Also, when the stress builds up and you are at each others throats, go on a shopping trip for your registries, adding more options is never a bad idea and if you are like us it can help you unwind a little bit.
Good Luck! Also, people offering money to help you pay for parts of the wedding will also want their opinions to be used regarding those aspects. If you don't want to change anything about that, then don't take their money! That is an annoying lesson I have learned through this process.
1. Your reception venue will determine almost everything so choose wisely. Venues will have caterers they want you to use. Some venues won't need many if any decorating because they are awesome.
2. Do not pay for save the dates or wedding favors. These are fucking money pits that nobody really cares about later.
3. Do not get whipped into a frenzy about having things be what is foisted upon you by the industry. Chiavari chairs are bullshit.
What the fuck are Chiavari chairs? Doesn't the recpetion hall provide fucking chairs? I would think those chairs would be pretty goddamn nice considering that they have weddings there every goddamn weekend.
(approx 15 months till wedding)
We're renting a photo booth, but it's not the kind you see in malls. It's unlimited shots all night, the guest gets a copy right away, and we get a DVD of all the photos afterwards. I forget the name of the company, but it's based in Toronto I think.
SEE WHY I AM RAGED?
If you are expecting a good portion of guests to fly across the country, like the OP is, you damn well better send out STDs 6 months in advance unless you plan on sending the invites out that early. And unless you're not having a sit down dinner then you'll need to know dinner options that early as well. And since a hypothetical summer '11 wedding is only 6-8 months out either STDs go out in the next couple weeks or invites do.
Otherwise don't be surprised when your family members have difficulty arranging a weekend on the other side of the country.
Spending money on it is stupid. theres these things called emails and webforms.
Save the dates are fucking ridiculous money traps. Telling a person to SAVE THE DATE doesn't require an outlay of 200 dollars in stationary and postage. If you can't make a phone call and they can't remember, you probably don't want them at your wedding and they probably don't care to be there. A save the date is not an invitation. Also, do you know when save the dates came into vogue? After your parents were married. the only time a save the date is at all formally necessary is when you're having a destination wedding. Otherwise, you just straight tell people and then send the invite.
Your idea is one that perpetuates mindless costs to people having weddings. It's only tacky cause you're unable to think information integral to wedding planning can be disseminated in any other way. You're part of the problem I spoke of.
Let me guess, you also support wedding favors.
STDs are also necessary for a destination wedding but in that case 6 months would be an incredibly rude time to send it out because it should go out a year in advance in that instance.
I never said you shouldnt call them. Thats completely free.
But here's the thing; my fiancee and I called everyone after we set a date about 10 months in advance, we're spending a ton on food and entertainment and didn't send out save the dates. An acquaintance of ours is having a fucking potluck wedding in a backyard and sent out save the dates. Who is cheap and who isn't here?
Save the dates are a vanity item in most circumstances.
And seriously, a heads up email did my friends who are traveling more of a service than a piece of paper ever could. But they aren't yokels who are beyond understanding the use of email as a means of communication.
You're totally buying into bullshit about spending money for the sake of spending money. People didn't send save the dates as a rule 20 years ago.
The problem that arises is that a) most wedding venues get booked up on the days you want to get married (i.e. saturday afternoon/evening) a year in advance, b) it can take months of organizational endeavoring to actually put a menu together, and c) because you don't know your menu you don't know how many people you can actually afford to feed.
To give you an example I am looking at 100-120 guests. We've spent the last several months working with the venue (we lucked right out here, they do catering in-house and are really good) to get a menu together that will accomodate the fiancee (vegetarian), her siblings (vegan), my dad's fiancee (celiac), and everyone else (practically carnivorous). Combining this with a frantic combing-through of basically everyone we know to determine just who we have to invite and who we can get by without. Now granted we haven't been doing this full-time like a wedding planner would but we also are trying to keep the overall budget under $20k so this is what we have to do. We've only just now got to the point where we could send out save the date cards, and we've been at it for months. You're talking about doing the same thing, for 50% more guests (making it much harder to find a venue), in a third of the time.
I think this semi-argument over whether save the dates are appropriate or whatnot is a little beside the point. It's become expected for really 'big' weddings to use them but mrt is right, they are expensive, and really the point is to make sure that your guests keep that weekend open and are ready to fly cross-country to celebrate with you. So emails or phone calls or whatnot can serve that purpose just as well. The really important part is that you not wait til May to tell your friends that you're getting married 2000 miles away in July, because then a number of them just won't show up.
I'm not saying you can't pull this off. Obviously the difficulty of arranging everything depends on just what your ceremony is gonna look like and how hard it is for you to find a venue. I'm just saying that you can make things a lot easier on yourself by pushing the date back 6-12 months.
The tip from me is:
Decide how much you are willing to spend total. Then devide by 4 and multiply by 3. This is the amount you want to spend on everything. The remainder is for overhead, didnt see that coming shit.
Our budget:
Decide how many are going to sit down for dinner and how much you want to spend on your dinner. We had about 60 dinner guest at 60 euros per person. That's 3600 euros right there.
3500 euros bride and groom clothing.
1000 euros photografer
3000 euros 100 people party 30 per person (drinks and snack buffet).
1000 euros reception with champagne toast with snacks (we had an ice-wedding cake as desert after dinner)
2500 rent for renting the afternoon and evening at our wedding venue exclusivly for us.
ca. 15k right there
Then we spend 5k on other shit like invitations, give aways, reception book and all that other shit, like getting actually married and the rings (1000 euros).
Also get a good master of ceremony with good organisational skills. Make a very accurate day planning from hour to hour and dont deviate to much.
Our day looked like this.
Picking up the bride at her house with closest relatives (11:30), then photos (12:00). Day guest had gathered at our house with high tea (13:00)while we took photos. We picked up the day guests (14:00) and went to our venue(15:00). We got married there (15:45). Then had the reception(16:00), sat down for dinner (18:00) and had the party (20:30).
P.S. We send out emails a few months before we sent out the invitation to make people aware of the date.
Also if you need things for your wedding, everything with wedding in front of it gets doubled in price at least.
I still don't get it. If you don't get special awesome chairs do they provide a basic NICE chair or is it something like this