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STEAM STEAM STEAM STEAM STEAM STEAM STEAM STEAM STEAM STEAM

T4CTT4CT BAFTA-NOMINATEDNAFTA-APPROVEDRegistered User regular
edited January 2011 in Social Entropy++
So STEAM is a digital distribution/cloud platform made by VALVEsoftware that you can use to get games.

From time to time they do large sales which result in massive discounts, kind of like what's happening right now

and so far everyone in this thread is MOTHERFUCKIN' GENEROUS

let's keep up that trend of bettering humanity, shall we




also currently we have a choose your own adventure going where I gift people games based on unexplained mechanics. Here's the STORY SO FAR:

Post 1:
OUR EARLY-TWENTIES HERO AWAKENS

"what's this?" he wonders to himself as he sits up and gazes all about, a magical light illuminating the trees around him in the darkness. The freshly-forming dew told our hero that it was approaching early morning time.

our hero stands up and brushes himself off. To the left, he sees an opening in the trees. To the right, he sees the faint outline of mountains, and dead in front of him lies the entrance to a small tunnel.

WHERE SHALL OUR HERO GO!?
Post 2:
OUR HERO QUICKLY RUNS TOWARDS THE TREES

and then stops

for in his lower abdomen he felt a resounding, liquid pressure, unlike any other before

he quickly runs over to the tunnel and lets loose a barrage of urine

relieved, he runs through the trees , following a path

BURSTING through a fence, striding to a halt in front of several estranged partygoers, our hero discovers he's naked.

"WHAT IS YOUR NAME!?" cries estranged party goer #1
Post 3:

gokumclovefranklinnekkid.jpg
"GOKU McLOVFRANKLIN NEKKID" our hero proudly proclaims before ripping off a woman's dress and fashioning a toga out of the remains (the woman is momentarily startled but quickly gets over it because our hero looks somewhat like neil patrick harris but a little bulkier and is just an all around stud)

"Well, GOKU McLOVFRANKLIN NEKKID," estranged guest #1 continues, "we don't approve of people randomly barging through our trees. You probably should have come in via the tunnel entrance."

OH NO! HERO LOSES 5 FACTION WITH ESTRANGED PARTYGOERS

"Now tell me, what exactly is it you do?"

DIALOGUE WHEEL
ARCHER} PARAGON} I'm A NOBLE BOWSMAN sent to guard the townsfolk
RENEGADE} I shoot motherfuckin' arrows to kill motherfuckers motherfucker
MAGICIAN} PARAGON} I weave the arcana into the real, blending the lines of ethereal and superreal
RENEGADE} engulf the party house in flames
WARRIOR} PARAGON} WITH MY STEEL AND SHIELD I SHALL PROTECT THEE
RENEGADE} I AM YOUR LORD AND MASTER SENT FROM THE HEAVENS
Post 4:
"SENT FROM THE HEIGHTS OF MOUNT CRUMPET, I HAVE BEEN SENT TO CLEANSE AND RULE OVER YOUR MORTAL SOULS," our hero booms to all the party goers.

"Well if you are a warrior-god, then where is your sword and your shi---" estranged partygoer #1 (quickly becoming smart-ass partyfucker #1) began to say before being interrupted by a very very drunk man sporting a raincoat who smelled very strongly of ammonia.

"OH MY GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE!@!#!!1!" the drunk windex man yelled before falling to his knees before the smart-ass partyfucker.

"What is it that you speak of?" partyfucker quickly asked, shaking the man

"Mi'fucker, ah was comin' out o'ma hoose when ah luked t'the tunnel entrance an'saw a VICIOUS YELLOW LIQUID MONSTER!!!!" windex man gave a desperate look towards our hero before collapsing to the ground, dead, his back gashed open from a deadly urine blade. Looting the corpse nets our hero BEER GOGGLES and 12 FICTIONAL CURRENCY.

"Oh dear," the partyfucker whispered before turning back to our hero. "Well, warrior-god, it appears your time to protect us has come. There is a set of armor conveniently located right where you broke through the fence, in the bush, because that's where important things hide. Anything else you need should be in the house. Please be careful though, my wife is adulterous and has been known to walk around the house Stark-naked. Here is a map of the town. This is the tunnel entrance, where this urine beast is sure to be found."

PLAYER HAS GAINED TOWN MAP THAT WILL BECOME A WORLD MAP AT A POINT IN THE FUTURE

WHAT SHALL OUR HERO DO!?
- Enter the house
- Bash in the door of the house
- Acquire Armor
- Head towards urine monster
- something else entirely

or any combination of these things
Post 5:
CASHDOLLARS.jpg


get.playeraction BASH IN THE FUCKING HOUSE


"I'm just gonna grab a few things from your wife WHO IS NOW MINE," our hero boldly proclaims as he karate-kicks in the door to the house. The door flies off it's hinges and smashes into the fridge, which topples over, revealing MINOR HEALTH POTION, SEVERAL BLUE PILLS, and SWORD OF THE DEAD SLOTH.

INVENTORY NOW CONTAINS
MINOR HEALTH POTION, SEVERAL BLUE PILLS, SWORD OF DEAD SLOTH, BEER GOGGLES


Our bold hero turns the corner into what appears to be a distillery; upon further inspection, a trap door is found in the ground. The next room contains a curtain, behind which is the silhouette of scantily clad mistress. OUR HERO DRAWS BACK THE CURTAIN.

starknaked.png

"oh my, don't startle me so!" she proclaims loudly.
the adulterous wife licks her beard seductively

DIALOGUE WHEEL
SUPER PARAGON} Mi'lady, I beg your pardon. It's my solemn duty to investigate all reports of snatch in my newfound kingdom.
SLIGHTLY LESS PARAGON WITH LESS COOL RESULTS} Oh my god i'm so sorry //cover your eyes//
RENEGADE BUT ACCEPTABLE WITHIN SOCIAL NORMS} I didn't mean to look...but now I can't stop.
INCREDIBLY RENEGADE} I SEE YOU FOR WHAT YOU REALLY ARE! LET US DO AWAY WITH OUR PLEASANTRIES AND GET DOWN TO BUSINESS!

Post 6:


"IT IS TIME FOR US TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS! DISPENSE WITH YOUR PLEASANTRIES, STARK-WOMAN, FOR NOW IS THE BUSINESS TIME!"

our hero pauses, then quickly adds an amendment. "BUT PLEASE KEEP YOUR SOCKS ON"

compliant, StarkWoman leaps upon our hero, wrapping her legs around him and bringing her face close to his. Our hero's toga quickly becomes a tent.

"IT'S BUSINESS TIME!" the woman shrieks in ecstasy as a dark portal opens behind her, purple and haunting but not at all what a functional portal would actually look like

Our hero's glance shifts to the dark portal before it falls back on StarkWoman, who is now entirely made out of URINE.

The URINE MONSTER pulls our hero towards the portal, it's strength as unyielding as it's smell of ammonia. The urine seems oddly familiar to our hero (who is no longer sporting a tent but does have to pee once more).

QUICKLY! THE URINE MONSTER IS PULLING OUR HERO TOWARDS THE PORTAL! WHAT MUST OUR HERO DO!?
Post 7:
INTERRUPT INITIATED BY SCARLET BLVD

toiletwarriorhero.jpg
"I'M SORRY, FOUL URINE MONSTER," our hero starts, being pulled towards the portal, "BUT I ALWAYS FLUSH THE TOILET"

harnessing his godly powers, our hero SCREAMS "SLOTHSWORD, SOLDIER ME UP!"

with the powers of gods, our hero gains TEMPORARY SLOTH ARMOR OF FLUSHING.

spinning the slothsword above his head, he conjures a vast whirlwind and fires it towards URINE MONSTER. URINE MONSTER is reduced to the size of a small dog.

"PLEEEEASE NO MORE!" the URINE MONSTER cries out in cowering fear of our hero. "I'll help you! I'll join you! I'll do anything! just please don't destroy me!"

ACTION WHEEL
}}}HEAR THE URINE MONSTER OUT
}}}FUCK THIS, LET'S CRUSH THE BITCH
}}}ENSLAVE THE URINE MONSTER IN A BEER BOTTLE
}}}LET THE URINE MONSTER GO AND REJOIN THE PARTY
}}}SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY



SCARLET BLVD HAS UNLOCKED SWORDS AND SOLDIERS HD
SCARLET BLVD MUST GAIN THE ACHIEVEMENT "COOKING BY THE BOOK" IN ORDER TO GRANT OUR HERO ADDITIONAL BONUSES

from Kuribo's Shoe
Post 8:
Our mighty hero couldn't tell, but through his beer goggles it looked as though the URINE MONSTER was growing increasingly attractive.

Suddenly, the URINE MONSTER had boobs.

"Perhaps we can work out an...arrangement," our hero remarked, raising his eyebrows up and down suggestively as he gripped the the URINE MONSTER tightly. The wooden camera panned to show their bodies suggestively rubbing and touching each other without actually showing the act of intercourse.

For our hero, of course, this simply would not do, so he grabbed the URINE MONSTER by it's throat and thrust the entire beast upon his mammoth...well, you know.

EXPLOSION!!!!!

white light filled the room, and when it faded, the URINE MONSTER was gone. in front of our hero stood a small leprachaun, in wizard's garb, holding a phallustaff of wisdom.

"Thank you for freeing me from the beast, wise hero," the leprachaun bowed low, tipping his wizardly hat.

"The beast as in the URINE MONSTER, or as in...well, you know," our hero replied, mildly confused.

The leprawizard did not answer, but merely withdrew some magic dust from his pocket. Throwing the dust on the ground summoned a goblin, atop which lied a backpack-like saddle. The leprawizard quickly mounted his Goblinmount.

"With your permission, I would like to serve out my debt to you as a minion of your command. I shall adventure with you wherever you go, and bring about my skills as you need them."

"Well that's all well and good," our hero replied, patting the leprawizard on his head, "but do you have a name, small creature who is inferior to me and who's culture is probably relevant but I don't care because I am a demigod?"

The leprawizard smiled. "My name is...Kuribo's Shoe."

leprawizardgoblinrider.jpg


KURIBO'S SHOE, GOBLINRIDING LEPRAWIZARD HAS JOINED THE PARTY

TAKE CONTROL OF KURIBO'S SHOE'S ACTIONS BY PRESSING AN UNSPECIFIED BUTTON AT VARYING INTERLUDES DURING THE GAME IN ORDER TO EXPAND UPON HIS BACKSTORY AND PERHAPS GAIN HIS LOYALTY


The hero looked around the room, tapping his SLOTHSWORD in his hand.

ACTION WHEEL
}}}}GO OUTSIDE TO THE BAR
}}}}REJOIN THE PARTYGOERS AND ATTEMPT TO GATHER INFORMATION
}}}}GO BACK TO THE NAKED GLADE FROM WHENCE YOU CAME
}}}}FAST TRAVEL USING YOUR MAP AND KURIBO'S SHOE'S GOBLINSTEED
}}}}SPEAK WITH KURIBO'S SHOE
}}}}DO SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY


Post 9:


interact with Kuribo's Shoe

"What can I do for you, fine slothgod?" the Leprawizard asks, dismounting his goblinsteed and ruffling his beard.

"Tell me about yourself," our hero replies in a canned dialogue response that will probably be repeated often in this game.

"Not much to tell, really," says [strike]Jacob[/strike] the Leprawizard. "I was born after the biannual raiding of the circus midget town of Por'Favor. A dragon by the name of Obiruk's Cock swooped down and raped my other, producing me as the offspring. Someone said I was destined to lead my people to freedom...but then my mother got super drunk and dropped me down a hill, where I landed in a basket and floated down the river until I was picked up by a family of Wizards."

At this point, the Leprawizard's story paused, and his face grew solemn. "That family of Wizards eventually grew malicious, and when I told them how I intended to oppose their actions, they sent a metric fuckton of zombies onto my lawn."

"Well that's just dandy," our hero replies callously because seriously who the fuck cares about what the actual backstory on this guy is. "Look, I'm running low on DROPDOWN SELECT: SHOES. I'm gonna need you to get some for me."

"Certainly," the wizard replied, his mood rolling back to it's original state simply because you changed the conversation tree you were using. He pulled out two magic dead rabbits and, with a wave of his arm and the chant "DEAD RABBIT FEET DEAD RABBIT FEET BOOTS DEAD RABBIT FEET ON HIM FOR BOOTS!", produced BUNNYBOOTS OF MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN POWERWALKING.

BUNNYBOOTS OF MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN POWERWALKING HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE INVENTORY

The wizard quickly put his magical gear away only to see our hero hopping into the goblin steed's saddle and kicking it into gear. Our hero quickly jumped out and began to dance.

danceguy.gif

Kuribo's Shoe begins to dance with our hero until the canned animation runs out, and then the conversation tree appears once more.

"Look, is this just about sex? Because, maybe you should just FUCKING SAY SO," the Leprawizard says in Jack's voice.

DIALOGUE WHEEL
}}}No Shoe, I want to get to know you.
}}}No, that's not professional.
}}}Well, I mean, if you're offering
}}}No, but your goblin is looking pretty damn good right now
}}}Goodbye

GIFT AND TALK ABOUT GAMES AND ALSO PUT YOUR INPUT IN ON THE LAST ACTION POST IN OUR STORY

T4CT on
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Posts

  • TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    give me free shit okay thanks

    edit: also monday night combat beta is awesome you all should get it

    TheySlashThem on
  • T4CTT4CT BAFTA-NOMINATED NAFTA-APPROVEDRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    TDOT what would you like

    T4CT on
  • Mr FuzzbuttMr Fuzzbutt Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I vote we DO SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY

    Mr Fuzzbutt on
    broken image link
  • MereHappenstanceMereHappenstance Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Our hero's new companion at the ready

    leprawizardgoblinrider.jpg

    Why is the goblin smaller than him? Mortals such as we are not to question the ways of the goblinrider leprawizards.

    MereHappenstance on
  • TallahasseerielTallahasseeriel Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    give me free shit okay thanks

    edit: also monday night combat beta is awesome you all should get it

    That game is swell, but I've only played it on the Xbox.

    Tallahasseeriel on
  • RaneadosRaneados police apologist you shouldn't have been there, obviouslyRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    }}}}DO SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY

    Tell that wizard you need some new boots and he better fucking hop to if he knows what's good for him

    Raneados on
  • YaYaYaYa Decent. Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    }}}}RIDE KURIBO'S SHOE FOR A DOUBLE MOUNT BONUS

    YaYa on
  • TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    T4CT wrote: »
    TDOT what would you like

    oh shit seriously

    I was being facetious

    but um

    I've heard a lot of good things about bad company 2

    if uh

    that's not too much

    you're a really cool dude

    TheySlashThem on
  • ZandraconZandracon Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    So I am playing mass effect 2 and doing a recruitment mission on ilos and i'm currently stuck loading on this elevator

    is there a bug or something here going on

    Zandracon on
  • MereHappenstanceMereHappenstance Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    DO SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY: GHOST RIDE THE GOBLIN

    MereHappenstance on
  • T4CTT4CT BAFTA-NOMINATED NAFTA-APPROVEDRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    T4CT wrote: »
    TDOT what would you like

    oh shit seriously

    I was being facetious

    but um

    I've heard a lot of good things about bad company 2

    if uh

    that's not too much

    you're a really cool dude

    ok






    i'm going to sleep now, i'll pick up the story in the morning

    T4CT on
  • TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    t4ct you are the best





    aroooooww-ound

    TheySlashThem on
  • JC of DIJC of DI I think we're fucked up. I know I am.Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    The most jarring thing for me between playing BC2 on the 360 and now on the PC is that the quick-match feature on the PC is fucking useless.

    Also the sudden realization that if you take me out of a source engine shooter I'm downright bad at PC shootin' still.

    JC of DI on
    PJWczLu.png
  • TallahasseerielTallahasseeriel Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I want a cool game.

    Like Monday Night Combat.

    I might have to get it when it comes out.

    Tallahasseeriel on
  • T4CTT4CT BAFTA-NOMINATED NAFTA-APPROVEDRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    fffff i forgot how much i liked dragon age

    T4CT on
  • WhippyWhippy Moderator, Admin Emeritus Admin Emeritus
    edited December 2010
    t4ct

    dratgon age

    is the shit

    shiiiiiiiiit

    Whippy on
  • Macro9Macro9 Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    }}}}SPEAK WITH KURIBO'S SHOE
    Uriel wrote: »
    I want a cool game.

    Like Monday Night Combat.

    I might have to get it when it comes out.

    I think you can play in the beta now if you purchase it before release.

    Macro9 on
    58pwo4vxupcr.png
  • InkyblotsInkyblots Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Dragon Age is really fun to play but some parts are just to bland and meh I just can't stand it. And the faces are awful, it's a alright game though.

    The Monday Night Combat beta is getting better with every update so hopefully with the inclusion of a map editor or something it won't get stale too fast.

    Inkyblots on
  • L|amaL|ama Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    bc2 has fucking terrible netcode, it's not (necessarily) your fault

    L|ama on
  • JC of DIJC of DI I think we're fucked up. I know I am.Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I played through the main story twice on the 360 and felt kinda done with it, but I dunno how much my enjoyment would be improved by playing it on the PC.

    JC of DI on
    PJWczLu.png
  • TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Macro9 wrote: »
    }}}}SPEAK WITH KURIBO'S SHOE
    Uriel wrote: »
    I want a cool game.

    Like Monday Night Combat.

    I might have to get it when it comes out.

    I think you can play in the beta now if you purchase it before release.

    that is indeed the case

    you are basically buying the game right now at a slightly reduced price while bearing in mind that they are still ironing out some bugs

    TheySlashThem on
  • JC of DIJC of DI I think we're fucked up. I know I am.Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    L|ama wrote: »
    bc2 has fucking terrible netcode, it's not (necessarily) your fault

    Oh no - I'm just recently (past few months) getting back into PC gaming since the Apogee days, so it's a lot of unfamiliarity on my part still. I'm decent at TF2 after playing a good amount of Source games and getting used to how they control, but anything else online I really haven't delved into like I'd need to get better.

    If I just sit back and snipe or something I can get an alright game going though.

    JC of DI on
    PJWczLu.png
  • L|amaL|ama Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    well I really really dislike how the player handles in BC2 as well, it feels so sluggish with the sprinting cooldown and slow weapon switching and all that.

    L|ama on
  • TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    well dang guys way to make me afraid that I might have just wasted someone else's money

    TheySlashThem on
  • L|amaL|ama Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    no a lot of people enjoy it and it's probably a good game, I just really soured on it after playing it for a while and wanting it to be a battlefield game that I liked for the first time in a long time

    L|ama on
  • TallahasseerielTallahasseeriel Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I loved BC2 when I was playing it, but it got boring after I did so many cool things.

    Shoot down a black hawk and get all the kills with a from the hip shot with the gustav? Check.

    Shoot down a chopper with the RPG7 from a blasted out building as it passes the sun that I couldn't even aim? Check.

    Shoot down a chopper with the main gun of a tank? Check.

    Tallahasseeriel on
  • JC of DIJC of DI I think we're fucked up. I know I am.Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Well the slow-ness of it in that regard is more about how Bad Company 2 just is instead of differences between the 360 and the PC.

    I played the hell out of it on the 360 and tried to get more of my friends to buy it on there. Eventually said fuck it and got rid of it on there, but now with it on sale I'm giving it another shot basically, just different platform.

    TDOT I'll play with you for sure - plus there's a couple other dudes that have gotten in from this sale I know that'd probably be down to play.

    JC of DI on
    PJWczLu.png
  • VALVEjunkieVALVEjunkie Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Raneados wrote: »
    }}}}DO SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY

    Tell that wizard you need some new boots and he better fucking hop to if he knows what's good for him

    VALVEjunkie on
  • InkyblotsInkyblots Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Playing BC2 makes me want a new Star Wars Battlefront with destructible environments and vehicles (I can't remember if II had vehicles or not).

    I really want to buy Battlefront 2 but I'm sure the online community is dead.

    Inkyblots on
  • YardGnomeYardGnome Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    t4ct I never got my polar bear song

    YardGnome on
  • FishmanFishman Put your goddamned hand in the goddamned Box of Pain. Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Now that I have King's Bounty, Dragon Age and Mount & Blade, there's only one more game I really want out of this sale.

    Come on Total War special. Let me leave this place and get back to concentrating on playing games instead of buying them. Except for the daily gifting, of course.

    Fishman on
    X-Com LP Thread I, II, III, IV, V
    That's unbelievably cool. Your new name is cool guy. Let's have sex.
  • Mr FuzzbuttMr Fuzzbutt Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    YardGnome wrote: »
    t4ct I never got my polar bear song

    Nobody told me he was giving out polar bear songs!

    Mr Fuzzbutt on
    broken image link
  • L|amaL|ama Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    getting napoleon and a steam copy of m2 would be nice

    huh m2 by itself is currently $22.49, whereas it is $7.49 as a package with kingdoms

    sure am glad that they list packages on the same page as the game

    L|ama on
  • Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited December 2010
    I go to bed and I miss out on choose your own adventure! The lesson is, never sleep.

    Raijin Quickfoot on
  • QuirkQuirk Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I have bought so many steam games on the cheap which I can't download for the foreseeable future since where I'm living has shite internet, but got-damn I have enough games to last me bloody ages when I eventually sort out my internet/life

    Quirk on
  • SquallSquall hap cloud Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I wake to find that my nonsensical action produced a piss monster

    Good times

    Squall on
  • MysstMysst King Monkey of Hedonism IslandRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    T4CT wrote: »
    fffff i forgot how much i liked dragon age

    mods!

    moddssssssss

    Mysst on
    ikbUJdU.jpg
  • Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited December 2010
    I only ever played Dragon Age on the 360 which I believe is a very different experience.

    Raijin Quickfoot on
  • MysstMysst King Monkey of Hedonism IslandRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    the only difference is that you can't mod money in

    and you can run out of arrows

    Mysst on
    ikbUJdU.jpg
  • Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited December 2010
    I thought the combat was different for some reason.

    Raijin Quickfoot on
This discussion has been closed.