He's already stated a couple times that it wasn't a visceral reaction from surprise. She didn't startle him, causing him to involuntarily lash out. He knew what he was doing, it's just a behavior that's been conditioned into him.
"just a behavior" with his brother. He had the opportunity to restrain himself and he didn't. He hit his wife. That he's 'still getting to know.'
Wait, was this an arranged marriage? Or some sort of Mormon thing? I think I saw this on TV once.
I like to play little jokes, surprise people, etc, and it has earned me more than a few PAINFUL wallops from girlfriends--surprised punches, an elbow, etc. It didn't make any of them an abuser, it just made them completely surprised & showed that they had quick reflexes!
He's already stated a couple times that it wasn't a visceral reaction from surprise. She didn't startle him, causing him to involuntarily lash out. He knew what he was doing, it's just a behavior that's been conditioned into him.
"just a behavior" with his brother. He had the opportunity to restrain himself and he didn't. He hit his wife. That he's 'still getting to know.'
Nobody here is saying this is okay. But it is understandable, even when we don't condone it. We all do a million little unconscious things every day that have been drilled into us over the years from social interaction. Sometimes it's imperceptible, but sometimes it's reacting more strongly and violently than a situation calls for.
The goal is to recognize these behaviors when they happen, and work to counteract them when they're socially unacceptable, like hitting a person when they do something you don't like.
Yeah, we really don't have any facts to be charging OP with spousal abuse, or suggesting he get counseling. He got his personal space invaded, and it can be just as weird if it's your spouse or a complete stranger. I think saying something like "never hit a woman" is one of the most sexist comments in our modern society. We shouldn't be hitting anyone, men, women, children. But, depending on your familiarity with them, it might not be a big deal. We don't know what kind of "hit" it was, and it wouldn't be the first time someone on H/A fretted and worried over something no one else would think twice about.
Queue up every, "Should I ask this girl out" post ever?
I think this is pretty solid advice. The fact that he wasn't enraged, having visions of her blood spilling out on the tile, sounds like he isn't quite the angry and violent guy who needs anti-psychotics that some of the posters want to make him to be.
Sorry about not watching this today, I've been really busy.
Is this the first long-term, serious relationship you've had with a woman?
Yes, actually. They probably has something to do with the fact that I didn't realize this would be a problem sooner.
You say you hit your wife - I need more details. You were faced away from her, she came up behind you and rubbed lotion on your knees. What happened next?
Did you body check her with your side?
Did you kick backwards?
Did you punch her in the head?
For all we know, you either shoved her with your body..... or roundhouse kicked her into the tub. The two extremes require some analysis.
So....What did you do?
Our bathroom sink/mirror faces the door, so it is quite easy to sneak up on somebody. I was facing the mirror brushing my teeth, and she came up behind me and started rubbing lotion on my knees. Why I say that it wasn't a startled reaction exactly was because I processed "oh, that's weird, she didn't just grab, she's rubbing. Why would she be rubbing unless...!!! <check for lotion feeling> oh no!" Of course, all of this took about a second or so, by this time I jerked away from it and began turning around. Because I had jerked away she had straightened up and was standing. I then...hit her on the shoulder. It was open-handed, and was as much a shove as a hit. As I said previously, it wasn't hard enough to knock her over or push her back, but it was certainly harder than would have been playful between her and I (though not between my brother and I).
"just a behavior" with his brother. He had the opportunity to restrain himself and he didn't. He hit his wife. That he's 'still getting to know.'
Wait, was this an arranged marriage? Or some sort of Mormon thing? I think I saw this on TV once.
No, nothing silly like that. We're both Christians and so waited to move in together or have sex until we were married. I've known her for almost seven years, and we've been dating for over two. The "getting" to know you apparently gleaned from my posts is that neither of us is fully used to living together yet. Especially not always sleeping in the same bed, though that's not really relevant. I think that covers everything.
I think you've pretty much summed up that you aren't a horrible person. There is a huge difference between shoving someone away, with an open hand, and hitting someone with a closed fist. I think you'll be fine.
She clung tighter. I thought she was hysterical and remembered in the movies that slapping an hysterical woman brings her to her senses.
For future reference, the "Get Ahold of Yourself!" slap only ever works in movie land. If you slap or punch a man or woman who is genuinely hysterical you only make them more so.
I had a real physical family and a lot of rough housing from a brother close enough in age to be like a twin, an African father whose childhood was punctuated by hopping on a friends motorcyle and getting his teeth busted up, and an a PK mother who often attacked classmates with her metal lunchbox for picking on her little brothers and sisters. So violence wasn't encouraged but if you got in a situation, then as my great great grandfather told my great grandmother when the children in the neighborhood called her *****r, "Whoop em' but don't hurt them." God rest her soul.
So, I elbow checked my mom in the face a lot when she tried to tease me. This came from teh chicken flap maneuver all children learned and as I hit puberty, this became a hazard to her face. The instinct is still there and several employers have had to count their lucky stars that they weren't high enough to catch it in the face.
This habit was conditioned away, over a long period of time. People still catch a cold one now and then, but not as many people as there could be. I would advise you to wade through some large crowds and try and relax, not letting your mind go to the flight or fight state. Thats a good instict in the right situation but its good that you recognize you have a potential issue with it.
Second, find out how physical your wife is when it comes to horseplay. She's not going to give you an outright list of contact, maneuvers, and appropriate newtons that can be applied to each blow, but its a question to ask now and then. My first girlfriend was pretty solid and benched all throughout highschool (poor nutrition at a poor home environment can be offset by exercise) so her limits were pretty comparable to my own (probably more since she is a woman). Compare to my second flame, who, while the same build and weight, was didn't have as much muscle and wasn't as much for physical horseplay as the first.
People are different and you've probably learned her little habits, loves, memorized her cycle and got a stockpile of her comforts, but this is one of little things no one thinks to mention after the fact.
tl;dr
Too trigger happy? its cool, walk through crowds.
Find out how violent your wife likes to be for fun, better now than later.
Our bathroom sink/mirror faces the door, so it is quite easy to sneak up on somebody. I was facing the mirror brushing my teeth, and she came up behind me and started rubbing lotion on my knees. Why I say that it wasn't a startled reaction exactly was because I processed "oh, that's weird, she didn't just grab, she's rubbing. Why would she be rubbing unless...!!! <check for lotion feeling> oh no!" Of course, all of this took about a second or so, by this time I jerked away from it and began turning around. Because I had jerked away she had straightened up and was standing. I then...hit her on the shoulder. It was open-handed, and was as much a shove as a hit. As I said previously, it wasn't hard enough to knock her over or push her back, but it was certainly harder than would have been playful between her and I (though not between my brother and I).
Beating one's wife is obviously an extremely vile act, but I don't think this counts. You hit her shoulder with an open hand without sufficient force to knock her over or push her back. It doesn't sound like you were trying to hurt her, only that you were unpleasantly surprised and wanted to bring her actions to a swift stop.
I do understand why you're concerned about stopping this from happening again. Ultimately all you can do is remember this event and use that memory to stop yourself from acting that way in the future. Don't feel guilty just remember and think "I don't want to do that again." Your wife can help by not stealthily rubbing stuff that you don't like into your knees.
The red flag for me here is that it wasn't just a reaction to being startled, but a reaction out of anger. You will get EXTREMELY ANGRY at each other at times, sometimes for good reasons, sometimes for silly ones. If you are conservative Christians (I get this impression) your wife has pressure on her to be a Good Wife to you and may not be telling you the whole truth about her feelings about being hit by you. Unfortunately it can't be taken back and it WILL effect your relationship.
I must also add that I grew up with an older brother and we constantly beat the hell out of each other. This would never be an acceptable excuse to use if I ever hit my wife. Seeing a therapist about this (together and individually) is a great idea. Get to the bottom of the issue and hopefully it won't happen again. If you do nothing but ask the internet if you are justified or not a horrible person, you'll probably hit her again.
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FiggyFighter of the night manChampion of the sunRegistered Userregular
edited January 2011
Come on, he smacked her on the shoulder. He didn't "hit his wife." I don't think therapy is necessary at this point.
Posts
"just a behavior" with his brother. He had the opportunity to restrain himself and he didn't. He hit his wife. That he's 'still getting to know.'
Wait, was this an arranged marriage? Or some sort of Mormon thing? I think I saw this on TV once.
Nobody here is saying this is okay. But it is understandable, even when we don't condone it. We all do a million little unconscious things every day that have been drilled into us over the years from social interaction. Sometimes it's imperceptible, but sometimes it's reacting more strongly and violently than a situation calls for.
The goal is to recognize these behaviors when they happen, and work to counteract them when they're socially unacceptable, like hitting a person when they do something you don't like.
Queue up every, "Should I ask this girl out" post ever?
I think this is pretty solid advice. The fact that he wasn't enraged, having visions of her blood spilling out on the tile, sounds like he isn't quite the angry and violent guy who needs anti-psychotics that some of the posters want to make him to be.
For future reference, the "Get Ahold of Yourself!" slap only ever works in movie land. If you slap or punch a man or woman who is genuinely hysterical you only make them more so.
STEAM
First off,
So, I elbow checked my mom in the face a lot when she tried to tease me. This came from teh chicken flap maneuver all children learned and as I hit puberty, this became a hazard to her face. The instinct is still there and several employers have had to count their lucky stars that they weren't high enough to catch it in the face.
This habit was conditioned away, over a long period of time. People still catch a cold one now and then, but not as many people as there could be. I would advise you to wade through some large crowds and try and relax, not letting your mind go to the flight or fight state. Thats a good instict in the right situation but its good that you recognize you have a potential issue with it.
Second, find out how physical your wife is when it comes to horseplay. She's not going to give you an outright list of contact, maneuvers, and appropriate newtons that can be applied to each blow, but its a question to ask now and then. My first girlfriend was pretty solid and benched all throughout highschool (poor nutrition at a poor home environment can be offset by exercise) so her limits were pretty comparable to my own (probably more since she is a woman). Compare to my second flame, who, while the same build and weight, was didn't have as much muscle and wasn't as much for physical horseplay as the first.
People are different and you've probably learned her little habits, loves, memorized her cycle and got a stockpile of her comforts, but this is one of little things no one thinks to mention after the fact.
tl;dr
Too trigger happy? its cool, walk through crowds.
Find out how violent your wife likes to be for fun, better now than later.
http://www.fallout3nexus.com/downloads/file.php?id=16534
Beating one's wife is obviously an extremely vile act, but I don't think this counts. You hit her shoulder with an open hand without sufficient force to knock her over or push her back. It doesn't sound like you were trying to hurt her, only that you were unpleasantly surprised and wanted to bring her actions to a swift stop.
I do understand why you're concerned about stopping this from happening again. Ultimately all you can do is remember this event and use that memory to stop yourself from acting that way in the future. Don't feel guilty just remember and think "I don't want to do that again." Your wife can help by not stealthily rubbing stuff that you don't like into your knees.
These things happen.
I must also add that I grew up with an older brother and we constantly beat the hell out of each other. This would never be an acceptable excuse to use if I ever hit my wife. Seeing a therapist about this (together and individually) is a great idea. Get to the bottom of the issue and hopefully it won't happen again. If you do nothing but ask the internet if you are justified or not a horrible person, you'll probably hit her again.