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How do I break up with a nice guy?
World as Myth
a breezy way to annoy serious peopleRegistered User regular
a breezy way to annoy serious peopleRegistered User regular
I am a 22-year-old college dropout. Getting back into school has been a major priority for me for a couple of years now, but I haven't managed to get it together enough to go back. I'm working a low-paying job and barely making ends meet, and I don't have a car, both of which have continually hampered my efforts to get back into school.
My boyfriend is a 29 (30 in March)-year-old multiple-college-dropout. He and I have been together for a little over two years. When we first started dating, he demonstrated a lot of talent and ambition for achieving his goal of going to college to be a comic book artist, which was part of what attracted me to him. His artistic talent is amazing and effortless, he's smart and funny, and he's my best friend.
But his motivation to achieve his goals (or at least what used to be his goals) has completely vanished. I made the unfortunate mistake of getting him addicted to WoW, which he now plays more than I do, and I haven't seen him pick up a pencil in months. We've had multiple talks about this, because I aspire to much more in life than living in squalor (he is a total slob, and I'm not exactly a neat freak, but I literally clean up after him) in his mom's house (which is where we live -- super-classy), and he heatedly claims that he very much wants to go back to school, but he makes no efforts to do so. As a matter of fact, I had to fill out his last college application for him and practically twist his arm so he would call an old art teacher for a recommendation. In this case, I think actions probably speak louder than words. Additionally, he likes to promise to do things to make me happy and then never follow through; and whenever I try and make plans for us to go out and actually do something, he always manages to foil the plans -- usually by sleeping until 3 when the zoo closes at 5, that kind of thing. And if we do go out and try to get things done, even errands, he is always really quick to anger until we're back at home, doing nothing. He drinks beer and gets stoned every single night, which I have objected to, and now he goes and does it in the basement so I don't have to smell it. But it's still happening, every single night.
Typing all that has made me terribly sad, because it's all true, and I'm just now verbalizing it.
The problem with breaking up with him is that I rely on him. We're planning to move to Portland in late March, early April, and there's no way I could afford a place out there on my own, especially if I'm going to take classes at PCC like I am hoping to do. As I mentioned earlier, I don't have a car; he drives me everywhere I can't walk or bike to. I don't have any friends here, because I moved several states to live with him, and his friends are all stoners with low IQ (and also because I have a small social anxiety problem). The other problem with breaking up with him is that he really is a nice guy, very affectionate, and he's never said a mean thing to me.
There's some saying about how you shouldn't love someone because you need them; you should need them because you love them. I'm starting to think I am definitely the former.
I feel trapped. I need to take a step forward and do the smartest thing for myself, which involves going to school for sure, but I have no idea what to do.
My boyfriend is a 29 (30 in March)-year-old multiple-college-dropout. He and I have been together for a little over two years. When we first started dating, he demonstrated a lot of talent and ambition for achieving his goal of going to college to be a comic book artist, which was part of what attracted me to him. His artistic talent is amazing and effortless, he's smart and funny, and he's my best friend.
But his motivation to achieve his goals (or at least what used to be his goals) has completely vanished. I made the unfortunate mistake of getting him addicted to WoW, which he now plays more than I do, and I haven't seen him pick up a pencil in months. We've had multiple talks about this, because I aspire to much more in life than living in squalor (he is a total slob, and I'm not exactly a neat freak, but I literally clean up after him) in his mom's house (which is where we live -- super-classy), and he heatedly claims that he very much wants to go back to school, but he makes no efforts to do so. As a matter of fact, I had to fill out his last college application for him and practically twist his arm so he would call an old art teacher for a recommendation. In this case, I think actions probably speak louder than words. Additionally, he likes to promise to do things to make me happy and then never follow through; and whenever I try and make plans for us to go out and actually do something, he always manages to foil the plans -- usually by sleeping until 3 when the zoo closes at 5, that kind of thing. And if we do go out and try to get things done, even errands, he is always really quick to anger until we're back at home, doing nothing. He drinks beer and gets stoned every single night, which I have objected to, and now he goes and does it in the basement so I don't have to smell it. But it's still happening, every single night.
Typing all that has made me terribly sad, because it's all true, and I'm just now verbalizing it.
The problem with breaking up with him is that I rely on him. We're planning to move to Portland in late March, early April, and there's no way I could afford a place out there on my own, especially if I'm going to take classes at PCC like I am hoping to do. As I mentioned earlier, I don't have a car; he drives me everywhere I can't walk or bike to. I don't have any friends here, because I moved several states to live with him, and his friends are all stoners with low IQ (and also because I have a small social anxiety problem). The other problem with breaking up with him is that he really is a nice guy, very affectionate, and he's never said a mean thing to me.
There's some saying about how you shouldn't love someone because you need them; you should need them because you love them. I'm starting to think I am definitely the former.
I feel trapped. I need to take a step forward and do the smartest thing for myself, which involves going to school for sure, but I have no idea what to do.
World as Myth on
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Say the relationship is over, you no longer feel for him. Do not say things that give him the idea he can change and make it work. Be sincere, but be strong.
Oh, and for the love of god, do it in person.
Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
Also, dont blame yourself for him getting addicted to a video game.
This isn't supposed to twist the knife or anything, but you're both really not helping each other here. You facilitate him by putting up with his shit and he gets what he wants out of the relationship (wild guess here, but probably sex). He has no reason to change, as he can get high every night and still have a girlfriend without any social responsibilities at all.
He doesn't sound all that nice, to be honest. Are you sure you used the right title? He sounds like an opportunistic lazy mooch. You getting out ASAP would not only likely motivate you to really "make it" as best you can, but also hopefully make him snap out of it. If he doesn't, then you know you did the right thing. If he does, hey, great, but I wouldn't look to him for a future relationship either, as you know he has a tendency to lapse into lazy mooch.
I've known people who lose all ambition and delve into a life of essentially drinking and marijuana, and they have to want to change themselves. But it's a very comfortable place to be, as long as you have some basic necessities covered. It's tough to pull someone out of that -- almost impossible, really, without legal intervention -- and you have to hope they "snap out of it" at some point in the future. But you'll, hopefully, be long gone by then.
Whatever you do, do NOT move to a new city with this guy. He's far more likely to lapse into a far more despondent boyfriend in a new city, well out of his comfort zone. As in, what would motivate him to look for a new job in a different city? Or would he be happier getting high and playing WoW?
You have to end this, because you've got ambitions. Let's face it, he doesn't. You seem like the kind of person who could work around any obstacles.
Whatever you do, you can't do the crawl back. It will just not work.
You can't post on these forums anymore!
lol nub!
Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
Few things worth doing are done with ease. But being broke in a new place isn't any worse than being broke and living with an addict who plays WoW all day.
You should look into going to an inexpensive school in an inexpensive area. Years ago my uncle went to the University of Spearfish, South Dakota, because it was dirt cheap and they'll let almost anyone in. He was broke and there was nothing there, but it was better than what he had been doing before.
End the relationship, and definitely do it before you come.
For sure look into financial aid from PCC, and if you havn't filled out the FAFSA yet what the fuck is wrong with you?
You don't have to be mean to break up with him. Just be honest. He's not going anywhere with his life, he's not visibly making an effort to change things, and he's holding you back.
You don't need him to go to school. Many, many students get by without a car. You can use transit, or a bike (depending on climate), or live on campus. You certainly don't need him to share a place with. Any university has hundreds of people looking for a roommate at any given time.
I currently attend classes at PCC and it is one hell of college. I have loved most of professors and the classes they teach. As a university failure myself I have started attending classes regularly because I don't loath the moment I have to wake up for class.....I'm actually a bit excited to attend.
PCC has changed my attitude and revitalized my academic stamina.
im sorry to hear about your situation, but yea the bus system to pcc is pretty top notch, they also offer discounted passes to students through pcc. i think there is a *free* shuttle from downtown to at least pcc sylvania (i could be wrong on cost, but i know there is a shuttle) from downtown.
fafsa also = important
If I may be so bold, two suggestions really stick out for you here. The one involving timing the breakup to coincide with your own purposes is excellent. I would also suggest breaking up and dropping contact before you go. It's a little scarier, but a clean break would help ensure that you don't scurry back to the comfy side when things get hard and there are difficult decisions to make. Set yourself up so that when things get tough, you find yourself being forced forward instead of back. Leave the old situation behind for good, make new friends and meet new people to join up with on your adventure.
You're awesome, anyone can see that. Finding a good place with yourself and others is just a matter of time.
It sounds like you've thought about this a long time and you already know the right and classy thing to do this. Now you just have to gird your loins and get it done.
It won't be easy, but such things never are.
Good luck, you evil werewolf.
Leave him, and leave him before you move.
He's not going to change until he hits bottom and he wants to change. You staying around won't help him "fix" himself. And it's not selfish at all to want more from life than what he can provide for you right now. Anyway, I wish you luck in Portland. Live your life the way you want to live it.
1. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for any of this. You didn't get him addicted to WoW, he did that of his own volition. Unless you chain him to the PC every day, that has nothing to do with you.
2. If you still have feelings for him, then perhaps just separating for a while will be the inspiration he needs to get himself in gear. It sounds like he's got a very comfortable situation going; a doting girlfriend, living at home, smoking pot and playing videogames. That's about as laid back a lifestyle as I can imagine anyone having. Clearly he needs to break the cycle, and if your departure is the only thing that will do that, then so be it. If, however, you no longer have feelings for him (and this will reveal itself after you separate one way or the other), then the situation will be made all the more easy to deal with.
He's made the mistake of taking you and the things in his life for granted. That's easy to do; I wager we've all done it with friends/loved ones in our lives. The trick is realizing it and learning to appreciate those people and reciprocate their adoration. I'm sure this won't be easy for you, but your best bet is to find a place to live on your own and break contact with him for a while. If he breaks himself of his routine, gets his act together and you find you still have feelings for one another, fantastic. If not, it's best to cut your losses now and find a better situation for yourself. Good luck.
Sit down with him and tell him - you two are in trouble in the relationship department. Tell him this has to be a discussion, not an argument. You need to go through the things that are upsetting you, and he needs to go through the stuff that is upsetting him. Don't forget to go through the stuff that makes you happy too. You need to come up with a solution together. Maybe that solution involves both of you changing how you do certain things. Maybe it involves taking the romance part out of it and just being best friends. It has to be understood though that if you're to be a couple, you share your problems too. Problems will affect the lives of both of you.
Also, chin up. We got your back, sweetie.
Thank you all, again.
This makes me nervous. While I totally understand the feeling behind it, it still makes me nervous.
Please, darlin', be careful about it. I agree with what Eggy said, the first pangs of a lonely night shouldn't send you running back to him.
Judging from your original post it sounds like he needs you more than you need him. That *may* end up with him taking note that you're no longer around to carry him through life...which would lead to a very sad and lonely phone call.
By all means be there for him, but do not be his crutch (far easier to say than do). My general impression is that you're not all that selfish of a person, which is to be applauded. However, now is the time in your life when you really need to be doing what is best for you.
Check out student loans, fill out the fafsa form. If you're moving to a city where you no nobody..maybe hit up craigslist looking for a roomate. Keep costs down and maybe make a friend.
Most importantly? Believe that you can do it. Going to be hard, but it's going to be for the best.
The worst thing about it is that it happened so many times I never went out and tried to improve my own situation knowing that I always had her to fall back on. And then when she finally did move on it hit me like a bag of bricks, I was devastated. I thought we would just bounce back to the same situation that we were in before, that we were always in.
The only way he is really going to find the motivation to improve himself is when he realizes that you are NOT coming back to him and it's his fault. When we are happy we don't learn anything, when we are sad and life isn't going our way thats when we learn. If you go back to him anytime soon I can almost guarantee you will end up in the same situation one way or another.
I would suggest, as hard as it might be, to just not associate with him for a while. The non-romantic friends right after a breakup thing has never worked with me personally. Theres still that belief at least one of you holds (it seems in your case both) that there is still a spark between you. That this is just a break and not a break up. You need to separate yourself from him and he definitely does not need you around. Neither of you will ever grow if you go back to him any times soon (I'm talking at least months).
So expect the sad and lonely phone call, but when he does call I suggest answering it and telling him that you can't talk to him. Tell him that you need time apart and thats the only way the situation will ever possibly get fixed, and it surely can't be fixed by a depressing phone call.
Good luck, it's tough and you have to be strong.
Really give this some thought. I've seen it work out ok, but 9 times out of 10 it makes things way harder. Particularly if you are not on the same page. If you are happy that you're friends, and he wants you back, it can get awkward. I'm not saying never be friends, but to get over a 2 year relationship takes some time.
Trust me.
Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
Odds are one part will feel wronged and plot slow revenge or both will.
QFT I'm constantly planning revenge
So yeah, as far as the friends thing, try not talking to him barely at all for like 2 months at least, and probably more. You brought this up first, he probably sensed there was a problem. I am going to assume that he's not an idiot, just either depressed and apathetic or another stereotypical stoner dude with no motivation...
oh, yeah my point. Watch your ass. On some level he's mad, and you're probably still mad at him for wasting ~2 years of your life when you thought he could be the one.
But seriously, tell him as early as possible, theres nothing as bad as "But why didn't you tell me you weren't into me?!?!?!" I'd say it might be easier if you make up an excuse in the short run, but it might give him hope that you're coming back, which would be worse than getting hurt.
It's the least painful way.
:?
better?
as hard as it was, I let her call it quits then I picked myself up and kept moving forward, relying heavily on my friends to get through the first little bit. i'm better off for it, and i'm sure she is too.
some people can stay friends after a breakup, some can't. just make sure you don't spiral back in to him.
...and to quote Nada Surf: "don't make a big production. don't make an elaborate story. this'll help you avoid a big, tear-jerking scene." (not exactly in context, but...)
hope it goes well for you!