Sometimes I think the ability for you to see when someone last logged in is a very bad thing.
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OnTheLastCastlelet's keep it haimish for the peripateticRegistered Userregular
edited April 2011
It is a bad thing. She could have things come up.
For instance, this weekend I had to leave work and drive home to take care of my post-surgery dad while my mom said goodbye to her mom. My interesting in continuing online conversations at the moment is nil. You should just go on with your life and if she responds eventually, she responds.
Well I beat my previous record of a conversation with someone of 4 messages with a new high of 5! so hopefully my lack of a car and rather chaotic life at the momment gets me somewhere
I do agree getting a message is fun but when you hear nothing back after a few is a real downer
Sometimes I think the ability for you to see when someone last logged in is a very bad thing.
I don't think it's a bad thing. People just making too much out of it and reading into it excessively is a bad thing.
It's a good thing, for example, to be able to see that someone hasn't been online for over a month, so that you can think to yourself, "OK, they're just not bothering with the site anymore, not necessarily ignoring me specifically."
So I'm using PoF (there just a lot more people in my area on this than OK Cupid) and for some reason various parts of the website won't work. The Viewed me bit doesn't work and I can't add people to my favourites. I made a profile last week and it just got deleted suddely, despite not doing anything that broke the rules and so on.
I can send messages to myself, but I'm worried that for some reasons messages won't be getting through to people. Also, my profiles doesn't appear when I search by usernames.
Sometimes I think the ability for you to see when someone last logged in is a very bad thing.
I don't think it's a bad thing. People just making too much out of it and reading into it excessively is a bad thing.
It's a good thing, for example, to be able to see that someone hasn't been online for over a month, so that you can think to yourself, "OK, they're just not bothering with the site anymore, not necessarily ignoring me specifically."
I guess. But then it leads to so much more "she's logged on every day this week, why hasn't she replied yet" or "we had a few good dates, why's she on here so much still?" thinking. It's what you make of it.
Sometimes I think the ability for you to see when someone last logged in is a very bad thing.
I don't think it's a bad thing. People just making too much out of it and reading into it excessively is a bad thing.
It's a good thing, for example, to be able to see that someone hasn't been online for over a month, so that you can think to yourself, "OK, they're just not bothering with the site anymore, not necessarily ignoring me specifically."
I guess. But then it leads to so much more "she's logged on every day this week, why hasn't she replied yet" or "we had a few good dates, why's she on here so much still?" thinking. It's what you make of it.
You are right, in the end it's more about self control and perspective. That and just not taking stuff too seriously. All to easy to get caught up worrying about things.
DarkMecha on
Steam Profile | My Art | NID: DarkMecha (SW-4787-9571-8977) | PSN: DarkMecha
So I found this really cool sounding girl on the 18th, messaged her and got a really positive response back that day. We exchanged a few more messages, some really long ones talking about all kinds of stuff and she asked me a few questions about food , music ect, and even complimented me.
And now I haven't heard anything since Thursday, despite her having logged in yesterday. Meh, I know I shouldn't feel at all 'attached' but I was hoping it would go some where. #sadness
Try to remain positive. I was stressing about a similar situation, exchanged a some interesting messages about four days ago, then silence. Today, she writes back and asks me to coffee. 8-)
Try to talk with as many people as possible at once so each little incident like this doesn't become as big a deal.
Sometimes I think the ability for you to see when someone last logged in is a very bad thing.
I don't think it's a bad thing. People just making too much out of it and reading into it excessively is a bad thing.
It's a good thing, for example, to be able to see that someone hasn't been online for over a month, so that you can think to yourself, "OK, they're just not bothering with the site anymore, not necessarily ignoring me specifically."
I guess. But then it leads to so much more "she's logged on every day this week, why hasn't she replied yet" or "we had a few good dates, why's she on here so much still?" thinking. It's what you make of it.
It does, but that's just people's personal insecurities cropping up. And that's going to happen anyway when someone isn't getting messages back. Like you said, it's what you make of it. Knowledge is power, though, so no sense taking that away because of what some people make of it.
I'd rather be able to see that, "oh, this person hasn't logged in for 6 months" and decide it's not going to be worth my time and effort carefully crafting a greeting and question to this person than not have that information because some insecure people assume the worst when there's not a good reason to. Especially when said people would still behave that way anyway without that information ("oh god, she hasn't replied in 3 days, she obviously hates me now").
As much as I like seeing the times people have been on (maybe I have a bit stalker in me? o_O), I think that does more harm than good. I think something more to what Match.com does works better where it has things like:
-Online now! (which could be for IM purposes for okcupid)
-Online within past 24 hours
-Online within past week
-Online within past 2 weeks
-Online within past 3 weeks
Though I think it stops there.
I think if they added month, 3 months, over 3 months would be nice.
Knowing that a user is still (or a chance they might be) active is a good thing. Knowing too much about when they signed in? Not so much.
It is like being able to see if someone viewed my profile. As nice as that was to know yeah, they viewed my profile, again that opened up more questions and did more harm than good for me.
Though, I still wished places did the PoF method of read/unread, and if deleted message. Seeing that your message is deleted says a lot and easy to move on. Seeing a message that is not deleted? Could mean lots of things, but at least you were not completely dismissed.
As much as I like seeing the times people have been on (maybe I have a bit stalker in me? o_O), I think that does more harm than good. I think something more to what Match.com does works better where it has things like:
-Online now! (which could be for IM purposes for okcupid)
-Online within past 24 hours
-Online within past week
-Online within past 2 weeks
-Online within past 3 weeks
Though I think it stops there.
"OMG, she's been on in the past 24 hours but didn't respond to my latest message! She decided I'm hideous!" The same self-defeating thinking can still apply, so it doesn't seem like making a slightly more vague distinction in "last online" does much for anyone.
I also like being able to see profile viewers and having others see that I've viewed their profiles. This isn't elementary school, so I'm not really concerned with playing "secret admirer" games.
People who are troubled by these features just need to learn to stop reading between the lines and seeing things that aren't there.
Fine, if you want, remove the 24 hour one. Though it being vague does remove "oh he/she was just online!" and since you do not know what time they looked, you could accept maybe they looked at it just before bed/going to work.
And no need to be harsh. Just look at this thread, there are lots of people here who've seen people view their profiles and wonder what it means. And okcupid already has a (I think dumb) way of showing you have an admirer, the quickmatch rating.
And of course, it is easier said than done not to wonder about what might not be there. A lot of dating is playing games anyway. Fortunately from what I've read in this thread, most people do not like playing games and try to be as honest as possible, but we've seen plenty of examples of people still playing games (even when they say they don't!). Like that girl, telling her friend she should not ask out a guy for it makes her appear easy/desperate.
Ultimately it doesn't matter as we're not coding the sites, but think of it this way -- people who are psychotic about this sort of stuff would still be psychotic. If they weren't informed of the last time the person was around, they would chalk up every unanswered message as "this site is full of dummy accounts" and would go to a site that tells them when people generally logged in.
For people who aren't obsessed over it (and I figure "she logged in but didn't respond, oh well" is not obsession, just an observation), it's a useful feature. It tells you how active someone is and, when they're logging in and not talking to you, you are told one of three things -- the person isn't into you, the person is busy, or the person didn't get your message. Not seeing that they logged in at all gives you no options, and that opens the door to more questions rather than fewer.
I think OKCupid does a lot to encourage people to maintain communication and has erred towards forcing people to react in some way. For example, I think you used to be able to turn off the Instant Messager, which now is always on, and you're notified when someone is online. From what I've gathered, it also seems that the various site features are tilted towards people who are online more frequently.
Arguably a website that is created with the intention of having people meet other online people should put an emphasis on online-oriented ways of communication, and encouraging those who are comfortable with that to talk more. Older people may dislike it, and if you've been single for a while those little reminders that a person is online but not interacting with you may hurt more than not knowing, but ultimately working with a set of knowledge is always going to be more powerful than working in ignorance.
You just need to make sure not to be creepy about it. Don't say "Oh looks like you were on at 12:43 last night, late night?" as an opening message.
I will say that of the sites I've used, okcupid seems to be the most friendly. Yeah, you cannot hide that you are online, but that is balanced out by that the site does feel alive, that people are using it. I do like how if you edit your profile/answer a question it gets put to the home page. Again, it feels like yeah there are people actively using the site.
eHarmony felt dead, especially since the site was in control over your matches and you could not search for them. Every few days I would get a match, but you could not really tell if those profiles were active or not. I really did not like that about the site, it was very impersonal even though you had to take a very personal test just to sign up.
pof had a "who's online" page, and it also had a page for people who are expected to log in (as in they usually log in during the evening, so will probably be on). That was ok but still, to me that site simply felt so empty (the profiles were bare) and it was just about your profile picture.
You cannot turn off IM anymore on okcupid? Wow. And I thought you were only notified of people online if they were in your favourite list? I've not really used the site since January, so maybe it has changed.
Well since I'm pretty interested in this girl, I think I'm just going to wait a few days and ask her out - was going to do that next message anyways. Worst she can do is ignore that or tell me to fuck off, lol. Either way I'll know whats up or have a date eh?
DarkMecha on
Steam Profile | My Art | NID: DarkMecha (SW-4787-9571-8977) | PSN: DarkMecha
Fine, if you want, remove the 24 hour one. Though it being vague does remove "oh he/she was just online!" and since you do not know what time they looked, you could accept maybe they looked at it just before bed/going to work.
And no need to be harsh. Just look at this thread, there are lots of people here who've seen people view their profiles and wonder what it means. And okcupid already has a (I think dumb) way of showing you have an admirer, the quickmatch rating.
And of course, it is easier said than done not to wonder about what might not be there. A lot of dating is playing games anyway. Fortunately from what I've read in this thread, most people do not like playing games and try to be as honest as possible, but we've seen plenty of examples of people still playing games (even when they say they don't!). Like that girl, telling her friend she should not ask out a guy for it makes her appear easy/desperate.
I don't think I was being harsh, but EggyToast said the same stuff better.
Had my first date with the second girl yesterday. Lied about her weight, but I guess I should be used to that by now. She's really sweet and interesting aside from that.
SkyCaptain on
The RPG Bestiary - Dangerous foes and legendary monsters for D&D 4th Edition
Had my first date with the second girl yesterday. Lied about her weight, but I guess I should be used to that by now. She's really sweet and interesting aside from that.
I'm starting to think OKC gives way too many options for weight/body type. For one thing, many of us have unrealistic views of our own body in one direction or another, and the average person is overweight too. If someone's weight is slightly different than you might have expected, I don't think its a big deal.
The categories are pretty vague too. What is the difference between "Fit" and "Athletic" don't those mean the same thing? And on the other end, "Curvy" "A Little Extra" "Full Figured" are practically synonyms.
As a dude, I am tempted to change my body type to Curvy for giggles.
Edit: Also, when I see cute, otherwise interesting girls who've viewed my profile, and then it turns out they smoke, that is so sad.
Had my first date with the second girl yesterday. Lied about her weight, but I guess I should be used to that by now. She's really sweet and interesting aside from that.
I'm starting to think OKC gives way too many options for weight/body type. For one thing, many of us have unrealistic views of our own body in one direction or another, and the average person is overweight too. If someone's weight is slightly different than you might have expected, I don't think its a big deal.
The categories are pretty vague too. What is the difference between "Fit" and "Athletic" don't those mean the same thing? And on the other end, "Curvy" "A Little Extra" "Full Figured" are practically synonyms.
As a dude, I am tempted to change my body type to Curvy for giggles.
Edit: Also, when I see cute, otherwise interesting girls who've viewed my profile, and then it turns out they smoke, that is so sad.
That reminds me. I noticed a couple of the charts in that "random stats about sex" article linked here recently (I can't view it at work unfortunately) also highlighted people's general dishonesty about their body types. The charts were actually about how different body types identified in self-esteem and sex drive and how that changed with age, but they also showed the percentage (not precisely, since they were just different sized circles) of people identifying with the various body type selections.
I always seem to read about studies showing that something like 50-60% of Americans are overweight or obese, and yet on those charts, by far the most represented category was "average" body type, with a decent percentage on the healthier/"more attractive" side of the scale, and a relatively small amount of people claiming "a little extra" or "overweight."
Not that I'm saying I was surprised this, as any look at about 90% of driver's licenses will attest to, but it was amusing to see the same misrepresentation perpetuated in a chart with a different purpose. And yes, full body pics or real life are the only way to tell what people really mean in their "body type" category.
Side note: I also hate seeing a profile I'm interested in attached to a smoker.
so i was just surfing this website looking for troll opportunities and someone sends me an IM asking me how I am. I say I'm alright and ask how she is. She then tells me about how her best friend just miscarried so it has been a bad day
so i was just surfing this website looking for troll opportunities and someone sends me an IM asking me how I am. I say I'm alright and ask how she is. She then tells me about how her best friend just miscarried so it has been a bad day
I wonder what % match/friend OKC would deem, say, my married friends. It's just numbers in a website, but it is based on questions people answered knowingly... it's weird when I read a profile of someone I think I might like, and then notice it has a really low match %. I should go buy more cats.
RE the body type thing. I wouldn't have a clue what to put myself down as judging by those categories, I'd probably get it horribly wrong. I imagine many people are the same.
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For instance, this weekend I had to leave work and drive home to take care of my post-surgery dad while my mom said goodbye to her mom. My interesting in continuing online conversations at the moment is nil. You should just go on with your life and if she responds eventually, she responds.
Man, I think I need to learn to just chill the f out overall sometimes.
But eh, I'm just impatient - waiting around for school to start, don't got much to do atm.
I do agree getting a message is fun but when you hear nothing back after a few is a real downer
It's a good thing, for example, to be able to see that someone hasn't been online for over a month, so that you can think to yourself, "OK, they're just not bothering with the site anymore, not necessarily ignoring me specifically."
I can send messages to myself, but I'm worried that for some reasons messages won't be getting through to people. Also, my profiles doesn't appear when I search by usernames.
Hmm, I guess thats what I get for using PoF.
I guess. But then it leads to so much more "she's logged on every day this week, why hasn't she replied yet" or "we had a few good dates, why's she on here so much still?" thinking. It's what you make of it.
You are right, in the end it's more about self control and perspective. That and just not taking stuff too seriously. All to easy to get caught up worrying about things.
Try to remain positive. I was stressing about a similar situation, exchanged a some interesting messages about four days ago, then silence. Today, she writes back and asks me to coffee. 8-)
Try to talk with as many people as possible at once so each little incident like this doesn't become as big a deal.
I'd rather be able to see that, "oh, this person hasn't logged in for 6 months" and decide it's not going to be worth my time and effort carefully crafting a greeting and question to this person than not have that information because some insecure people assume the worst when there's not a good reason to. Especially when said people would still behave that way anyway without that information ("oh god, she hasn't replied in 3 days, she obviously hates me now").
-Online now! (which could be for IM purposes for okcupid)
-Online within past 24 hours
-Online within past week
-Online within past 2 weeks
-Online within past 3 weeks
Though I think it stops there.
I think if they added month, 3 months, over 3 months would be nice.
Knowing that a user is still (or a chance they might be) active is a good thing. Knowing too much about when they signed in? Not so much.
It is like being able to see if someone viewed my profile. As nice as that was to know yeah, they viewed my profile, again that opened up more questions and did more harm than good for me.
Though, I still wished places did the PoF method of read/unread, and if deleted message. Seeing that your message is deleted says a lot and easy to move on. Seeing a message that is not deleted? Could mean lots of things, but at least you were not completely dismissed.
I also like being able to see profile viewers and having others see that I've viewed their profiles. This isn't elementary school, so I'm not really concerned with playing "secret admirer" games.
People who are troubled by these features just need to learn to stop reading between the lines and seeing things that aren't there.
And no need to be harsh. Just look at this thread, there are lots of people here who've seen people view their profiles and wonder what it means. And okcupid already has a (I think dumb) way of showing you have an admirer, the quickmatch rating.
And of course, it is easier said than done not to wonder about what might not be there. A lot of dating is playing games anyway. Fortunately from what I've read in this thread, most people do not like playing games and try to be as honest as possible, but we've seen plenty of examples of people still playing games (even when they say they don't!). Like that girl, telling her friend she should not ask out a guy for it makes her appear easy/desperate.
For people who aren't obsessed over it (and I figure "she logged in but didn't respond, oh well" is not obsession, just an observation), it's a useful feature. It tells you how active someone is and, when they're logging in and not talking to you, you are told one of three things -- the person isn't into you, the person is busy, or the person didn't get your message. Not seeing that they logged in at all gives you no options, and that opens the door to more questions rather than fewer.
I think OKCupid does a lot to encourage people to maintain communication and has erred towards forcing people to react in some way. For example, I think you used to be able to turn off the Instant Messager, which now is always on, and you're notified when someone is online. From what I've gathered, it also seems that the various site features are tilted towards people who are online more frequently.
Arguably a website that is created with the intention of having people meet other online people should put an emphasis on online-oriented ways of communication, and encouraging those who are comfortable with that to talk more. Older people may dislike it, and if you've been single for a while those little reminders that a person is online but not interacting with you may hurt more than not knowing, but ultimately working with a set of knowledge is always going to be more powerful than working in ignorance.
You just need to make sure not to be creepy about it. Don't say "Oh looks like you were on at 12:43 last night, late night?" as an opening message.
eHarmony felt dead, especially since the site was in control over your matches and you could not search for them. Every few days I would get a match, but you could not really tell if those profiles were active or not. I really did not like that about the site, it was very impersonal even though you had to take a very personal test just to sign up.
pof had a "who's online" page, and it also had a page for people who are expected to log in (as in they usually log in during the evening, so will probably be on). That was ok but still, to me that site simply felt so empty (the profiles were bare) and it was just about your profile picture.
You cannot turn off IM anymore on okcupid? Wow. And I thought you were only notified of people online if they were in your favourite list? I've not really used the site since January, so maybe it has changed.
now you tell me. sheesh
PSN: Wstfgl | GamerTag: An Evil Plan | Battle.net: FallenIdle#1970
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In short, worriers gonna worry.
I'm starting to think OKC gives way too many options for weight/body type. For one thing, many of us have unrealistic views of our own body in one direction or another, and the average person is overweight too. If someone's weight is slightly different than you might have expected, I don't think its a big deal.
The categories are pretty vague too. What is the difference between "Fit" and "Athletic" don't those mean the same thing? And on the other end, "Curvy" "A Little Extra" "Full Figured" are practically synonyms.
As a dude, I am tempted to change my body type to Curvy for giggles.
Edit: Also, when I see cute, otherwise interesting girls who've viewed my profile, and then it turns out they smoke, that is so sad.
I always seem to read about studies showing that something like 50-60% of Americans are overweight or obese, and yet on those charts, by far the most represented category was "average" body type, with a decent percentage on the healthier/"more attractive" side of the scale, and a relatively small amount of people claiming "a little extra" or "overweight."
Not that I'm saying I was surprised this, as any look at about 90% of driver's licenses will attest to, but it was amusing to see the same misrepresentation perpetuated in a chart with a different purpose. And yes, full body pics or real life are the only way to tell what people really mean in their "body type" category.
Side note: I also hate seeing a profile I'm interested in attached to a smoker.
yuuuuuuup
and she says it's alright
and I close the laptop
and I am the winner
That could have been
your future crazy ex-girlfriend...
for only 100,000$
paid over 18 years
I feel this way when I get to the very end of a promising one and it's like "oh and I smoke pot every day." :?
Yeah, that sucks. I have my search results filtering out smokers, but they still see me I guess.
:^:
Huzzah!
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Oculus Rift: Sir_Grinch
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