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Girl new to hook-up culture; screwing up already. (Update!)
Marmoset
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Hey H/A, I was hoping to vent about this and hopefully hear your thoughts. Thank you in advance for reading.
I'm a 24-year-old female and I've been in two long-term relationships since the age of 16 (two different guys, four years each, practically no break in between). I have a tendency to get attached and drag things out, as you can see. Just as some backstory: I grew up as an only child; was very sheltered, had a lot of nerdy interests, and when attending my four-year university I engaged in absolutely nothing that could be considered uhh, "normal" for young people. Never went to parties, didn't drink, scoffed at "hook-ups," etc. I actually don't think I made one single lasting friend while I was there. I was a commuter too, so that didn't really help matters.
That all changed when I started pharmacy school last year and had to move away from my parents for the first time. I decided that I was fucking done with being antisocial, and if I wanted to make friends and actually have a life, I had to put myself out there and stop being shy wallflower girl. So that's exactly what I did. I joined a bunch of school organizations, started drinking, wearing make-up, going clubbing when possible, etc. I made a couple of amazing female friends. I can't say my life completely changed, because inside, I'm still the same demure and nerdy chick who freaks out at social situations as you will see in a moment - but it was definitely enriched.
I'd also like to think of myself as reasonably attractive and witty, so I started getting a bit of attention from guys, but it never went anywhere because I was in a relationship (and if I wasn't, I simply wouldn't have known how to take the next step). My boyfriend and I were in fact living together at this time. My lifestyle changes very understandably created a rift between us, and while our relationship is a story for another thread, suffice it to say that 2011 was an incredibly patchy year for us. In August, we had both moved out of our shared apartment but promised that we'd try to "make it work."
Towards the end of 2011, I was feeling like we were done. We were at two very different places in our lives, and I was too damn curious about other guys to just remain a sitting duck. It all came to a head when this guy from my hometown (where I would return on weekends and breaks) started hitting on me hardcore. Being all cutesie and touchy-feely in group situations, texting me sweet things, etc. Everybody who knows this guy warned me that he's basically a hook-up king and definitely not looking to actually date me, and I shouldn't get emotional about him, etc. Whatever, I was too entranced by the flirtation to care. Before our "friendship" went anywhere TOO inappropriate, I ended it with my boyfriend. This was exactly one month ago.
Now, I'm going to skip over all the boo-hooing I did about our break-up (mostly I was just in shock that I was actually single after eight years) because again, story for another thread. I'll just jump straight to the part where Hook-Up Boy and I spent about seven hours making out and snuggling in my friend's guestroom the other night. It had taken me months to get to this point with my ex! Suffice it to say, it was a very fun and novel time and also very cathartic for me, but - red flags galore! I'm now freaking out, getting emotionally attached to the experience, and have no idea what to do. I think what I did was, before ending it with my ex, I subconsciously, but effectively "lined up" this guy in my head as someone I could be with in some sort of capacity, against everyone's warnings. I guess I thought that hooking up with this dude would help me get over my ex, and yeah, I definitely forgot about that little problem the other night, but waking up in the morning it was like... not only do I still have that problem, but now I have a new problem. Because I'm pretty sure that now that he got what he wanted, this guy is totally done with me. Or he might half-heartedly pursue me until I actually sleep with him, and THEN he'll be done. And first of all, I've never in my life seen myself as that kind of person, and second of all, if it happens, then I'll have "nothing." (I'm the type of girl that always needs someone to swoon over, if you can't tell. Terrible.) I know this must sound incredibly stupid, but I am so new to all of this nonsense, and I'm used to sweet, intellectual, childlike nerdy guys being devoted to me for years and years, and can't get it through my head that Hook-Up Boy is just "not that into me."
So basically I'm just looking for some thoughts. On the break-up, on the hook-up, etc. I feel like I've been released into this big wide world of guys, and dating, and casualness, and I completely lack the social and emotional toolset to be able to handle it. I know you'll probably tell me to go on dates with different people but I don't even know how to do that or where to find someone to date. I know I mentioned before that I go clubbing and to parties on occasion, but the truth is, my female friends up in school are in relationships and aren't really interested in clubbing all that often, and the only person I know who legit goes to parties is my childhood friend from my hometown who I basically tag along with (I knew Hook-Up Boy through him). Fuck, even advice on how to keep hooking up with this dude is more than welcome too because I would be more than content with occasional make-outs. I just don't know how these things WORK.
TL;DR: 24, newly single, new to socializing and hooking-up with guys; freaking out over my first ever hook-up/rebound; please help.
I'm a 24-year-old female and I've been in two long-term relationships since the age of 16 (two different guys, four years each, practically no break in between). I have a tendency to get attached and drag things out, as you can see. Just as some backstory: I grew up as an only child; was very sheltered, had a lot of nerdy interests, and when attending my four-year university I engaged in absolutely nothing that could be considered uhh, "normal" for young people. Never went to parties, didn't drink, scoffed at "hook-ups," etc. I actually don't think I made one single lasting friend while I was there. I was a commuter too, so that didn't really help matters.
That all changed when I started pharmacy school last year and had to move away from my parents for the first time. I decided that I was fucking done with being antisocial, and if I wanted to make friends and actually have a life, I had to put myself out there and stop being shy wallflower girl. So that's exactly what I did. I joined a bunch of school organizations, started drinking, wearing make-up, going clubbing when possible, etc. I made a couple of amazing female friends. I can't say my life completely changed, because inside, I'm still the same demure and nerdy chick who freaks out at social situations as you will see in a moment - but it was definitely enriched.
I'd also like to think of myself as reasonably attractive and witty, so I started getting a bit of attention from guys, but it never went anywhere because I was in a relationship (and if I wasn't, I simply wouldn't have known how to take the next step). My boyfriend and I were in fact living together at this time. My lifestyle changes very understandably created a rift between us, and while our relationship is a story for another thread, suffice it to say that 2011 was an incredibly patchy year for us. In August, we had both moved out of our shared apartment but promised that we'd try to "make it work."
Towards the end of 2011, I was feeling like we were done. We were at two very different places in our lives, and I was too damn curious about other guys to just remain a sitting duck. It all came to a head when this guy from my hometown (where I would return on weekends and breaks) started hitting on me hardcore. Being all cutesie and touchy-feely in group situations, texting me sweet things, etc. Everybody who knows this guy warned me that he's basically a hook-up king and definitely not looking to actually date me, and I shouldn't get emotional about him, etc. Whatever, I was too entranced by the flirtation to care. Before our "friendship" went anywhere TOO inappropriate, I ended it with my boyfriend. This was exactly one month ago.
Now, I'm going to skip over all the boo-hooing I did about our break-up (mostly I was just in shock that I was actually single after eight years) because again, story for another thread. I'll just jump straight to the part where Hook-Up Boy and I spent about seven hours making out and snuggling in my friend's guestroom the other night. It had taken me months to get to this point with my ex! Suffice it to say, it was a very fun and novel time and also very cathartic for me, but - red flags galore! I'm now freaking out, getting emotionally attached to the experience, and have no idea what to do. I think what I did was, before ending it with my ex, I subconsciously, but effectively "lined up" this guy in my head as someone I could be with in some sort of capacity, against everyone's warnings. I guess I thought that hooking up with this dude would help me get over my ex, and yeah, I definitely forgot about that little problem the other night, but waking up in the morning it was like... not only do I still have that problem, but now I have a new problem. Because I'm pretty sure that now that he got what he wanted, this guy is totally done with me. Or he might half-heartedly pursue me until I actually sleep with him, and THEN he'll be done. And first of all, I've never in my life seen myself as that kind of person, and second of all, if it happens, then I'll have "nothing." (I'm the type of girl that always needs someone to swoon over, if you can't tell. Terrible.) I know this must sound incredibly stupid, but I am so new to all of this nonsense, and I'm used to sweet, intellectual, childlike nerdy guys being devoted to me for years and years, and can't get it through my head that Hook-Up Boy is just "not that into me."
So basically I'm just looking for some thoughts. On the break-up, on the hook-up, etc. I feel like I've been released into this big wide world of guys, and dating, and casualness, and I completely lack the social and emotional toolset to be able to handle it. I know you'll probably tell me to go on dates with different people but I don't even know how to do that or where to find someone to date. I know I mentioned before that I go clubbing and to parties on occasion, but the truth is, my female friends up in school are in relationships and aren't really interested in clubbing all that often, and the only person I know who legit goes to parties is my childhood friend from my hometown who I basically tag along with (I knew Hook-Up Boy through him). Fuck, even advice on how to keep hooking up with this dude is more than welcome too because I would be more than content with occasional make-outs. I just don't know how these things WORK.
TL;DR: 24, newly single, new to socializing and hooking-up with guys; freaking out over my first ever hook-up/rebound; please help.
Marmoset on
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You and this guy only made out and you're afraid he's gotten what he wants?
If he's "All about hook-ups" he ahsn't gotten what he wants yet. What he wants is to actually hook-up with you (sex). I doubt he's looking to just make-out and snuggle with you at that age.
I think you should work on yourself, cliched as it may sound. Don't worry about guys for now, just let sparks happen when they happen; and they definitely will considering how your social life has increased in the last year.
Edit - Adding to what @DaemonSadi said, if he's what people say he is, he'll definitely "turn on the charm" in the future. Don't fall for that.
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"Tell the dude whats up"
Guys don't always make assumptions, more gut moves. If you're really worried about it, tell him something along the lines of "I like you, but I don't think you really want more than a casual thing. Thats fine with me, but I just want to clear up whats going on between us"
Try to give him room to say he wants more if he wants, but be understanding if its just casual. From there you can take what he's up for, or say you're really not interested in just that, or if you are, or whatever.
But again: Don't assume he'll just "get" it.
3ds friend code: 2981-6032-4118
This is sound advice for EVERYONE. Both male and female. I've learned the hard way. Never make assumptions that people "get it" no matter how obvious it seems to you.
Take nothing personally. If you have an amazing night with a guy but he never calls you again? Let it go. His loss, whatever, he doesn't know what he's missing, too bad for him because you're awesome.
Have a summer fling that starts out super hot but peeters out after 2 months? Don't sweat it. There is nothing wrong with you, these things happen. Cherish the memory of the times that were good, and hold the smells and sights and feelings in you head to use as masturbatory fodder later.
Have a one night stand and then run into him awkwardly at the grocery store or a friend of a friend's houseparty? No need to get weird. Be friendly and cordial, like he's just another casual acquaintance you don't see too often. Because that's what he is. Say hello, howsitgoin', nice to see you, and goodbye. Don't feel obligated to make a move. Don't feel obligated to accept or reject if he makes one. Don't be offended if he doesn't.
But this is all for the future. As to your immediate problem, there is nothing for it but to talk to the boy. State in clear, concise phrases that you like making out with him, you aren't necessarily in the market for anything serious, but you'd love to get together for more makeouts and see where this thing goes. (that is, if I read your post correctly and this is indeed what you want). If he's up for all that, great! If not, you're well rid of him because he's not actually what you wanted anyway.
No need to freak out. I know it is hard, but living the single life is just like anything else, it gets better with practice. Take a deep breath. Focus on the good. Take some time to do things for your own self. Life is good. You are gonna be fine.
But yeah, I think this is a good time to step back and recognize that this is an opportunity. Relationships don't have to be serious, and learning to be casual with a partner instead of necessarily only dating someone you're really serious about is healthy. You date around so that you both learn about yourself and what you want/need in a relationship (what I thought I needed in a relationship when I was 24 was incredibly naive, not that this is necessarily true for everyone by any means) instead of settling for what you feel like you should settle for in a relationship because you're not experienced enough to know better. I get that your instinct is going to be to get very attached quickly, but it's a process. Give it time, accept that you'll probably do some things that you would have done differently with more wisdom and/or experience, and have fun with the experience!
I guess so. I might be reading it wrong, or just telling myself that to prevent getting my hopes up. But realistically - he sorta pursued me for a month to get *something* to happen - and it did (pretty extensive makeouts, we fell asleep together, etc). Sure, nothing outright sexual happened - but the kid works as a bartender. His job is to flirt with the dozens of cute new girls he meets nightly. And believe me, he's goofy and charming as fuck. He can get something sexual anytime he wants to, from people much hotter and more willing than I am. How can I compete with that? I just doubt he really cares all that much anymore. =| That's what I'm having trouble with, and I also feel a little used.
I thought doing this would help me get over my ex - and it actually did do wonders in that department - but as the afterglow fades, I just feel as empty as ever. Because like I mentioned before, I did that silly thing where I lined up hook-up boy in my head as someone I could get attention from after breaking up with my ex, in order to soften the blow of being alone. And now that I sort of "used up" all that attention - it's like, now what? Does that make sense?
Sorry, reading that over again, it was a bit confusing. What I meant was that my ex was a gentle nerd boy (^_^), and it took us a while to get to even that point with each other. I was his first in everything (same with my other ex). So it was very pleasantly surprising to me to just randomly go at it with someone I barely knew - and it was AWESOME - and who damn well knew what he was doing. He definitely would've had sex with me if I let him - but if I'm confused right now, imagine the state I'd be in if we actually did it.
My brain just can't wrap itself around the idea that it's possible to have sex with someone you don't already know inside and out. Not only does that situation just seem ripe for really awkward moments, but I just don't think I can emotionally handle something like that yet.
On a more opinion note, I'd say being single for a while might be good for you. I think it gives people the time and space they need to explore their own thoughts and interests. Not that relationships are not great too, just that time solo can be formative, and give you some personal resilience for when you are in a relationship.
If this breakup is all that recent, you could still well be in the adjustment period of not having that constant option/companion/company, which can be quite jarring. You will find yourself with more personal time, and I would take the opportunity to take trips with friends, work on a project or hobby you found interesting, or even just read more books.
It's definitely possible, and people do it all the time. The fact that you say you can't emotionally handle it is the larger point. If you're not ready for it, then there it is. Some people think you can't know someone inside and out without having sex with them. Some people feel that the big thing differentiating a relationship from a friendship is sex and sexual chemistry, and feel that it's a waste to develop a relationship with someone without seeing if the sexual chemistry is there. I mean, if you spend 6 months getting to know someone, and then discover a major sexual discrepancy, sounds pretty sucky, right? No pun intended.
That doesn't mean everyone else has one-night stands. Just that people view sex differently from one another, and that being up-front with what makes you comfortable is good. If you're not comfortable having sex on the first date, the first 5 dates, or until you're comfortable being naked around the person, be up front about that. "I like you but we're not having sex yet." If they balk, then you know they're primarily interested in sex. But it'd be silly to have an otherwise good relationship falter and fail just because the other person assumes that if you go 3 dates without sex, it means you're not interested in them, while you believe that it takes at least 5 dates before you even take your shoes off.
I was in a situation similar to you; primarily in longer-term relationships through high school and college. Taking a break from the entire scene was an important, formative experience for me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with casual hookups (don't catch yourself slapping a stigma on the whole thing), but the fact that you mentioned you're already getting emotionally attached to the experience of making out with this guy is a warning for me. If you're not mentally prepared for it, casual hookups can, in your mind, morph into something more emotionally painful than the physical gratification is worth. Being single can really help a person sort things out in their brain and get comfortable with who they are as an individual, as well assist them in cementing what they want out of a relationship (from casual hook-ups to dating and beyond).
Being single can also be a pretty terrifying prospect, particularly for someone who is used to having the security of a relationship as a pillar upon which they can always fall back. Learning to overcome that and "be my own pillar," as ridiculously corny as that sounds, was a landmark in my life to date. I will easily state that my healthiest, happiest, and most personally fulfilling relationships to date have been after I took some important time for myself and removed myself from the dating (including the casual hookup) scene for a while. Just my input, and something to take into consideration.
And that is perfectly fine. If that isn't the kind of person you are then that is how it is. If you're uncomfortable about it don't do. Neither which way is right or wrong. Just do what makes you feel comfortable with.
Yes. Be open to new ideas but only you know where the level of truly not wanting to do soemthing lies.
There's basically no 'wrong' attitude towards consensual sex. If you're only comfortable being in that kind of relationship with someone you're emotionally committed to or know well on a personal level, cool. If you're comfortable with more casual sex, thats cool to. But the key is to know your own perspective and be upfront about it with potential partners, probably especially so if you're still figuring it what you're most comfortable with.
To jump on the bandwagon, you're young, still figuring out what you want and are open to. If you decide that something casual sounds like fun and are willing to accept the risks (there's always a chance one, the other or both of you will develop feelings for the other/each other), go with it. If not, don't, and you're right to want people to be on the same page. Of course, they can only know that by telling them.
And honestly, given your noted history of leaping from one relationship to the other, I'd recommend taking a little time to yourself. Hang with friends, hit the gym, pick up a game or book or movie you've been meaning to enjoy, but just be comfortable being you. I have a friend who has done basically what you've described (moving from one relationship to another) since, well, highschool The rare brief times she was single (for maybe a week) there'd be a guy or two lined up as potential next boyfriend material or a little fun on the side, and while she mostly made it work well, it wasn't without pitfalls or problems.
Of course, life is like that, so yeah, to echo the above, stick with what you're comfortable with, communicate what you want, and be open to trying things (if you wish) in a safe way.
Just because someone enjoys hooking up (him, potentially you, anyone) doesn't make it or them bad as long as they still treat you with respect and not just a notch on their bedpost.
Stop this. Stop it Right Now. Stop competing with theoretical people. Stop letting somebody else's attraction or nonattraction to you determine your self worth. If you can't do that you will never make it in casual sex land, and you will not be able to hold together a more serious relationship. You will be doomed to a life of unhealthy, unfulfilling drama-laden nonrelationships that will make you and anyone close to you Miserable.
Boy sees you. Boy is attracted. Boy makes out with you. Do you want more? TELL HIM SO. If he doesn't want more, forget him and MOVE ON. It's not the end of the world. It's not a malicious rejection of everything you are as a person. It's a one time thing that didn't go any farther for whatever reason, and whatever reason probably has nothing to do with you or anything you said or did. So stop flagellating yourself about it, no good can come of that and you surely have better things to do with your time. Brush yourself off and get over it.
You can break the cycle. You can stand on your own feet. You, You, You. Nobody else gets to determine how awesome you are. This boy is not worth a tenth of the time you spend worrying what he thinks about you, I don't care how hot he is.
When I broke up with my ex a few months back, I felt the same sort of thing - like I was thrown out into the wild world of dating, and that I now had this new beginning when it came to relationships (even more so because I had quickly found out my ex was hitting on a guy less than a week after the break up - she was the kind of person who jumped into one relationship into the next). And to be quite honest, there were probably one or two girls who I could have probably hooked up with very easily a month or so later (girls I was very much sexually attracted to), and I would have felt great about it in that I'd have someone to spend time with again. But with a little time and reflection on the matter, I soon realized that the girls I had been talking to were not exactly people I could see myself being with over an extended period of time (i.e all it would have ever turned to was being a 'fling' relationship). For myself - I can't be in a position to be so loose with my relationships because I too, find myself as someone who becomes emotionally attached. So, I simple closed the book on that idea and decided to take things slowly, and even though I find myself at times missing a few of the rewards of being in a relationship (and I don't say that in a sexual manner though obviously there is that too), it was probably the best decision I made during that time.
If bartender guy is the kind of person who has a history of just hooking up with girls, you should just move on. Don't spend your time rationalizing anything if you're already questioning what he thinks about you, let alone the doubt you have concerning whether or not all he is interested in is having sex with you. There will be plenty of other opportunities, and those opportunities will give you the chance to be as affectionate as you want, while at the same time, not pushing the notion of sex upon you- especially if you're not ready.
From reading this thread and relating personal experience/ anecdotes I would suggest you stay away from "casual hook-ups". Based on what you have said it seems you place a high value on having a strong relationship before getting physical. Most people I know who are okay with casual hook-ups (no emotional stress afterwards) can detach sex and relationships; they are in it for the physical aspect/ someone to do things with, but not the emotional piece of a long-term relationship. I would say go on dates, flirt, make-out with guys (without getting attached), but I wouldn't recommend fuck-buddies or casual hook-ups because I'm guessing it would just be an attempt to fill an emotional void.
I just wanted to update you nice people on what's happened with this situation. I don't think there's really anything "new" anyone can say here, but it'd be great to hear some thoughts and/or tough love.
So, long story short, I did not handle this well.
I did see him 2-3 more times after those initial makeouts. He texted or called me basically every weekend to try and hang out. Sometimes I was deliberately unavailable, other times I went for it. One time he just took me to a party where nothing happened, the other two times we hooked up (no sex, but everything else). The last time I saw him was early February (so like 5 weeks ago...); he invited me to his house for a party and at the end of the night he pulled me into a bedroom and the rest was history. That night we came ridiculously close to having sex; I told him he needed a condom, he didn't have one, so we didn't. I was also at the very tail-end of my period that night so things may have been a little weird. To this day I don't know for a fact what the issue was but I just didn't hear from him after that night. At all.
I am ashamed to say it, but this totally broke me down. I had gotten so used to hearing from him at least once a week and having this nice little excitement/agitation in my life, so when he stopped touching base, I flipped. I was miserable. I felt abandoned and rejected. It was like dealing with a whole new break-up, except even worse than before because now I didn't have that distraction. And I felt even shittier because for a good month, thanks to him, I basically had the social life of my dreams, and it was instantly taken away.
I learned a lot of lessons from this experience. One; people can hurt you. They can make you feel good, and then just walk away, and that hurts. A lot, if you're not prepared for it. Two; sex is tricky-tricky. It deceives your body into thinking you already have a relationship with this person when you really don't, so when the other shoe drops, you're left completely blindsinded and emotionally malnourished. Three; this dude was basically a drug that distracted me from the pain of my break-up at the time. And just like with any drug that gets you elated and high, there's a painful withdrawal period. Nothing comes free.
Four; I should probably not be allowed within a thirty-foot radius of this guy until I get my shit together and work on myself. I mentioned that I didn't hear from him - well, this was true until a couple of days ago when he texted me out of the blue asking if I was free and I instantly got all revoltingly excited about it. Then today I learned that our mutual friend from my OP actually encouraged him to do so to "do right" by me and I crashed again. >.< That's actually what prompted me to post this update.
I just feel like I screwed this up. I didn't want to date him. I just wanted to be his friend with some fun on the side, and I couldn't even maintain that. Being with him just felt so. damn. good. and it's not fair that something so enjoyable has to suck so much. I know I said I learned a lot, but it clearly hasn't sunk in because I'm still hung up on him and looking for some way to run into him again and "fix" this.
Thank you for reading. Tough love, please?
You had just ended a relationship with your boyfriend of a few years or so, and then you met this fellow who began grooming you. You enjoyed the casual all-but-sex routine that developed between yourself and the new fellow, but you (prudently, in my opinion) turned him down for sex when he went for it (probably not the best way of putting it, but I can't think of another way at the moment) because he didn't have a contraceptive.
After that happened, he stopped grooming you.
Does that sound accurate?
If so, it is very unlikely that there is a 'fix' for your routine: my reading is that he was/is manipulating you to get some sex (probably not out of malice, but it's still manipulation), and once you turned him down he decided to assign himself a new mission, as it were. You're not going to be able to maintain a casual snuggling relationship with someone who's goal is (probably) sex-oriented and, if the word of your friends is anything to go by, wants a proverbial change of scenery pretty frequently.
What do you want to do at this point? If you want to have a casual friends with benefits relationship with someone, I'd recommend finding someone who shares that interest rather than trying to make things work with someone who apparently crosses you off of their list when you refuse them sex on one occasion because you didn't want to get pregnant or catch God-knows how many STDs. :P
Tough love? I think you're doing great. I don't think you can have new experiences without expecting some sort of screw up once in a while. Try as you might to minimize the chances of screw ups happening, they will happen anyways. More importantly, if you didn't take the plunge, you wouldn't have understood as much as you do now.
You've already rationalized and started figuring out what you need to do, i.e. building the emotional/social toolset that you said you were lacking in the OP. Stick to your morals, be yourself. As Aurora Borealis said, its all about you. Don't get manipulated by emotions by giving yourself time to think. There is always time to think and weigh the amount of good vs amount of suck.
Also, please stay safe. Thanks.
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if you can actually roll with the punches then do it, but don't tell yourself that you're just enjoying a casual relationship when in your head you're just in the early stages of a normal relationship.
https://medium.com/@alascii
But to re-iterate what others have said, the only problem with hooking up right now is you're obviously not ready for it. Hell, you maybe NEVER be because it's not something that just anyone can do and feel good about. And thats fine!
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/149703/internet-dating-who-is-your-favorite-duck-and-other-dating-questions/p1
I'm going to agree with Euphoriac. You'll find there are many different kinds of people who hook up and for various reasons, but one such as the guy you met who doesn't even carry protection will tend to fall on the sleezier side of the spectrum.
It sounds like though you're wading in the unknown waters of loneliness. Here's a poem I read to help me out when I went through something similar:
http://www.rattle.com/poetry/2011/12/first-responders-by-francesca-bell/
If something feels weird, don't do it, if you're pressured into sex without protection, don't do it.
He's 24? Or older? First, don't refer to other people as "kids" unless they are. It's demeaning. Second, he's not looking for make-out cuddle sessions. He got fed up with them and moved on.
If a friends-with-benefits situation is what you want, find someone who shares the same opinion of what "benefits" means. But in your mid-twenties, you'll be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't expect that to mean sex.
If you want tough love, it sounds to me like you want all the excitement and attention of the social lives you've seen on television, but you don't actually want the same end result--casual sex.
Take some time to be single and do 24-year-old things for a while. Learn how to behave in social settings a bit better. To the point where kissing a guy doesn't turn you into a reeling mess.
I miss liming things.
Also, what kind of guy doesn't bring condoms when they go on a date where sex might happen? Strange.
From everything I'm reading, I feel like you're not ready for casual sex. You seem to place a lot of emotional importance into sex, and while that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it means you shouldn't be looking to have a fling.
Yeah, in his own bedroom with plenty of forethought and he didn't think to stash any condoms? ASSHOLE. Don't ever talk to him again.
edit: Also, making yourself "deliberately unavailable"? That is called playing games. You're either interested in hanging out or you're not. It's one thing to be busy. It's another to actually lie. Don't pull that BS again, it's childish.
I'm about to be divorced after a five year relationship and am kind of in the same situation, emotionally wise. It's difficult "enjoying being single" and hooking up with someone when you hook up with someone that you actually LIKE. Me and this person that I genuinely wanted to pursue, she's in a similar situation. Recently divorced, had one really awful relationship post divorce, and is just seeing what's out there. We both like each other and have that "should we just be friends" conversation. We've had it three times, actually, and each time boils down to "I like you more than a friend, just not sure where it's going or where we'll be to make it". Each time we decided to "just be friends" and we pretty much gravitate right back to each other. One of the things we're waiting on is for my divorce to finalize and for me to meet her parents and see what they think (she's a good catholic girl. Catholic guilt out the wazoo for dating a legally married man and she's obeys her parents to a fault).
Now, the reason I typed that was to type this. We've agreed to no concrete relationship and are free to see other people. Sometimes when I ask her if she wants to do something on a specific day, most of the time I get a yes. Or she asks me to do something specific and I say yes. But sometimes I ask her and she says "Maybe. That's an option". And that hurts. For me it's a situation where I have to NOT project my feelings for my ex wife on to her and reminding myself of the reality of the situation. Also, she works 12 hour days, 10 days straight, and yeah if she wants to dick off on her day off and not deal with anyone, including me, then that is completely reasonable.
For her she's gotten the wrong impression on me a few times. Example, we had discussed briefly going to New Orleans one weekend on a Monday. I deliberately did not ask her about it until the end of the week because I didn't want to "hound her/monopolize her time" but assumed it was a go. Well, me not asking her again was too late. A friend of hers asked her to come chill for the weekend and when I found that out I got aggravated but not angry at her. Told her to have a good time. That was the catalyst for the "third talk". She said she felt overwhelmingly guilty about it, and she shouldn't have. Or like last night, even. I had an awful day yesterday and really wanted to see her. I called her and she was busy and I told her I just really wanted to see her. She asked if I was mad. I was but I told her I wasn't. I told her I'd catch up with her later. The reason I lied to her is because I was mad due to assumptions I had made. Jealous, or paranoid, or whatever. Distrust. And in reality I was most likely wrong in those assumptions. She called me later that evening to talk to me about how I was feeling.
It's confusing fighting emotions versus doing what you want to do and what makes you happy. During the times me and my friend aren't together I get anxious, jealous, etc. That's my fault and something I have to address and fix. When she's doing other things away from me she says she feels guilty, like she should be with me, etc. That's something she needs to address. Eventually we can sit down and talk about things together. I get more anxiety from this situation than I did when she "broke up" with me, so to speak. That was easy. Hurt, but was over quick and it was easy to get my feelings in line because it was obvious. The less obvious situation I'm in now allows those awkward feelings to come out.
Basically with me and her I know something is there, cause when I date other girls I'm not nearly as enthusiastic. The last "let's just be friends" conversation I didn't expect to hear from her for a few weeks but instead, she blew my phone up more than any other time in the past, we constantly hung out. She made remarks like "I just want to jump on you and hold you" and stuff all the time. "We're not just friends, we're more than friends. Not just friends with benefits, but not committed". I told her if she didn't see us in a relationship, ever, then to tell me point blank, and we'd drop it. She said she didn't feel that way. So I told her we'll continue down the path we're on now, no labels, and if she feels it's not going where she wants, then say so. She said okay. I told her that, yeah, in a few months I probably will ask her for a committed relationship and if she's not ready, then I'll just be her friend and it'll be copacetic. She didn't like that. "But what if we get there and I have something different to say about it?" Well, I told her she'd get her say so.
I'm sorry to kinda make this a "Sheep" post, but I think I know kinda what your feeling, and I wanted to be kind of specific, and my solution is to basically be patient, keep your feelings in check, if you find yourself feeling this deep every time you merely want to "hook up", then maybe you should reconsider that part of the relationship. You can have a social life without that part. I'm in a similar situation. It's difficult not to put "girlfriend" feelings onto this girl. It was easy to divorce my feelings from her when it was "let's just be friends". I'm kind of lucky I guess in that this particular person is someone I've had great success just talking with. I can't juggle the "break up" feelings forever, and as mentioned above, at some point in time there will be an ultimatum so I can take direct responsibility for my own feelings.
And I think that's what you need. You need to know what you want to be happy and you need to know where your deficiencies lie. You can't juggle emotional highs and lows forever without risking emotional harm. Something, some where, will have to give. Obviously this is just one person, one instance, and maybe this "crush" is fleeting and not permanent. But if it seems to happen over and over, you'll need to sit down and seriously think about what makes you comfortable and not just happy.
Second, if you want a casual sexual relationship, then "make out sessions" aren't going to cut it for most guys. Maybe in fact you DON'T want a casual sexual relationship, which is equally as okay...but it's best to be open and honest about this kind of stuff. Believe it or not, most guys will respond very well to you being blunt and honest. "Hey, I am really not in to the casual sex thing, so if this isn't going anywhere, let me know"...most guys will respond to this pretty well, and give you an honest answer. Life isn't like TV and movies, and most guys don't want to waste their time any more than you do.
It sounds to me like you are holding on really tight to your high school fantasy of what dating and relationships are, which is to be expected from someone who hasn't experienced social life as a 20 something...but try and let those go and be open to new ideas.
And what others said earlier is of paramount importance: Safe and happy. If you do go the casual sex route, safe, safe, safe. You were 100% right to tell him no with no condom. Also, don't be afraid to carry your own protection. It's not "uncool" for a girl to have a condom stashed away for when that really hot guy that wants a fling comes through your life. In addition, never do anything that makes you unhappy. If casual flings really screw with your emotions that bad, then don't do them.
FYI, some guys get pigeonholed as "a player" and really aren't trying to be, they may just be casual about sex and don't get easily attached. it doesn't necessarily mean they are only out to pump and dump. that being said, probably the only way to tell the difference is to bring it up.
it sounds like you latched onto the first guy to give you attention, which is a pretty clear sign you aren't ready to be out there dating yet. Which is perfectly fine. Good job not proceeding further then you were really comfortable. You really just need to be honest with yourself, what you are looking for, what your needs are, etc. if you want to go out and sleep with a guy, make sure you are ok with possibly never seeing that guy again. I know it's tough to have that security blanket of a boyfriend for so long, and suddenly not have it anymore. But now is your time to develop into a strong individual, and a much healthier person. Don't hook up with people just because you think you are supposed to, do it because you want to.
The guy spent several evenings with the OP just "making out." I wouldn't call him a guy into "hooking up." If he was, he would have moved onto greener pastures after night one.
I think it's more plausible that the OP/her informants are catty and judgmental of this guy. On the latest night, he expected another session of just making out. But to his surprise, things progressed to where they could have had sex. But he didn't have a condom.
This doesn't make him an asshole. This just makes him very, very patient. Especially if he's what you all are referring to as a "hook up guy."
I think you're giving him too much benefit of the doubt there, Figgy. Best case scenario, he's still a moron. If it was indeed an accident of fate, he would have called her up the next day and tried again, and he would have had a goddamn 3 pack in his pocket and a box of 24 in the dresser.
Should OP hang out with him again? NO. He's toast and she needs to move on.
Or he just didn't have a condom. Not having a condom is not automatically "this guy is trash and never planned on wearing one." Now, if he didn't have a condom but tried to pressure her into having sex with "I'll pull out" or what have you, you have a point. But just because he didn't have a condom in his room doesn't mean he's a sleazebag.
It's also possible that he did have a condom, but he didn't want to have sex for one reason or another. "Oops, I don't have any condoms, oh well" is an easy way out for a guy. The OP also said she was on the tail end of her period. Did she tell him that? That could have turned him off of sex. If she didn't tell him that, she did say they came "ridiculously close to having sex." Maybe he saw/tasted a bit of blood on his fingers during their foreplay and decided to back out gracefully when she was clearly interested in sex.
Let's not forget that the OP is also playing games with this guy.
The Ender: Yes, that is basically the situation. And if he had a condom, I would've had sex with him. Of course, I have no way of knowing if that would have changed anything in itself - would he have stopped calling me anyway, just because he finally got what he wanted and then lost interest?
What frustrates me is this damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't scenario where he'd probably just leave no matter what I did. If I don't have sex with him, he gives up. If I do have sex with him, he moves on. I felt like I kept trying to create this perfect middle ground where I could just hang out with him and drag things out so that we could at least be friends first instead of me just letting him bang me whenever he wanted and losing interest.
That said... Aurora/Figgy: I agree with you that doing that was childish and that I was playing games. I guess that was my way of doing what I said above - trying to maintain some power/respect in this whole thing and not make myself available to him 100% of the time, especially when some of his come-ons seemed very booty-call-esque (texting me at 11:30pm to ask to hang out, for example). Again, it was hard to find a middle ground because I had never been in this situation before, a guy had never given me this much attention, and I felt like I needed to tip-toe around the whole thing. If you have any advice on how to handle this situation in the future, with him or anyone else, I'd love to hear it.
Figgy: He is 27. I do have a bad habit of calling people kids; it's a side effect of still being in school, I think. However he does act like a kid very often. I certainly don't think of him as a "man" in my mind. He's a permanently tweaked-out pretty boy who's always looking for the next party. An attractive guy who's fun to be around but I really don't think I should be serious about him beyond that. He's someone I definitely want to be friends with, I just wish things weren't so messy. Could you elaborate on what you meant about behaving in social settings better? I will take as many thoughts on this as I can get
Just to clarify a couple of things: The first time was making out. The second time was some pretty intense foreplay (oral and such). The third night was more of that plus some very obvious physical cues for sex that I put a halt to by informing him he needed to wrap it up. It COULD HAVE BEEN the period thing; I'm not discounting that. Whatever it was, something made him ignore me for a month until his/my friend told him to text me. I've honestly stopped dwelling on it because it wasn't doing me any good at all but you can bet it drove me crazy for a while.
I understand you're peaved about him not calling you any more, but are you just taking jabs at him now because of it? A way of getting over him?
Because in the beginning you weren't referring to him as a tweaked-out pretty boy.
I don't really understand what you want. You want a friend with benefits, but you're insulted by a booty call. You like this guy enough to post on a forum for advice, but now he's a child.
To elaborate on my comment about social settiings, you are coming off as childish as well. If I read all of this with no insight into your age, I'd guess it was a high school girl making these posts. What you need to do is surround yourself with positive people with whom you enjoy spending time. People who you feel are worth your time. People you don't feel you need to try to manipulate to "maintain power."
But know that when you say you want someone for friendship and casual sex, that's rarely possible. You can have a person on the side for casual sex, but you don't seem to want that alone. You want them as a close friend as well, to hang out and spend time with.
Guess what? That's a boyfriend.