The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Emotionally Lost, Looking for Support (Threadcromancy? Yes, But For Good News)
JackKieser
Seattle, WARegistered User regular
Seattle, WARegistered User regular
So, here's my situation:
I had been with my girlfriend for three years as of this past June. She was a perfect match for me: liked everything I liked, hated everything I hated, very similar personalities, similar humor, etc., etc. We did long distance for a year, decided to live together, and did that here in Seattle for 2 years. She just graduated from UW with a major in Japanese language and linguistics, and when we moved in together, the plan was to have me graduate the year after and try to get her a job as an interpreter or translator in Japan for at least a few years. In order to do that, she had to get certified by taking this really hard, really specialized test... which she took last year and failed; she found out in November. It really messed her up.
Over the last 9 months, I've been doing everything to be supportive and help her heal: I paid lots of attention to her wants and needs, gave her gifts and romantic things to lift her mood, was always there for her, all of the good boyfriend stuff. Since we hit 3 years, I was even starting to save and plan for the proposal we had agreed I could do at the 5 year mark (she likes to plan). On Tuesday, July 17th, the day after getting back from our good friend's wedding, she left me with no warning, no provocation, and no explanation. I haven't heard from her since.
I've been trying to get lots of advice and support from IRL friends, and they all are amazingly helpful, but they are all in other states; I don't have anyone in Seattle to really get support from. I've been told that I need to get out, to meet people, to not be alone in the apartment (which I have to move out of by mid September), but I'm an introvert who is better at meeting and getting to know people in small numbers and in intimate settings; the only bar I've ever felt anywhere approaching comfortable at is AFK Tavern (for obvious reasons).
I've never been through a heartbreak like this before, and certainly not while taking Senior-level classes, working, trying to meet people, trying to stay mentally busy, trying to find a place to live, and crying for nearly 2 weeks straight at the same time. I know I need to meet people here, but don't really know how to start, or where to start. I've lurked PA for a long time (over 5 years), so it feels kind of like a digital home to me. I thought this would be the best place to start asking for help.
I want to meet PA people in Seattle (preferably around Greenwood / Greenlake / Lake City), and need to find a place to live. Emotional support and advice on how to deal with the pain would be nice, too... but I don't want to ask for too much. I guess this isn't the best way to introduce yourself to people... but... hello. My name's Jack. -_-;
I had been with my girlfriend for three years as of this past June. She was a perfect match for me: liked everything I liked, hated everything I hated, very similar personalities, similar humor, etc., etc. We did long distance for a year, decided to live together, and did that here in Seattle for 2 years. She just graduated from UW with a major in Japanese language and linguistics, and when we moved in together, the plan was to have me graduate the year after and try to get her a job as an interpreter or translator in Japan for at least a few years. In order to do that, she had to get certified by taking this really hard, really specialized test... which she took last year and failed; she found out in November. It really messed her up.
Over the last 9 months, I've been doing everything to be supportive and help her heal: I paid lots of attention to her wants and needs, gave her gifts and romantic things to lift her mood, was always there for her, all of the good boyfriend stuff. Since we hit 3 years, I was even starting to save and plan for the proposal we had agreed I could do at the 5 year mark (she likes to plan). On Tuesday, July 17th, the day after getting back from our good friend's wedding, she left me with no warning, no provocation, and no explanation. I haven't heard from her since.
I've been trying to get lots of advice and support from IRL friends, and they all are amazingly helpful, but they are all in other states; I don't have anyone in Seattle to really get support from. I've been told that I need to get out, to meet people, to not be alone in the apartment (which I have to move out of by mid September), but I'm an introvert who is better at meeting and getting to know people in small numbers and in intimate settings; the only bar I've ever felt anywhere approaching comfortable at is AFK Tavern (for obvious reasons).
I've never been through a heartbreak like this before, and certainly not while taking Senior-level classes, working, trying to meet people, trying to stay mentally busy, trying to find a place to live, and crying for nearly 2 weeks straight at the same time. I know I need to meet people here, but don't really know how to start, or where to start. I've lurked PA for a long time (over 5 years), so it feels kind of like a digital home to me. I thought this would be the best place to start asking for help.
I want to meet PA people in Seattle (preferably around Greenwood / Greenlake / Lake City), and need to find a place to live. Emotional support and advice on how to deal with the pain would be nice, too... but I don't want to ask for too much. I guess this isn't the best way to introduce yourself to people... but... hello. My name's Jack. -_-;
JackKieser on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
First, you're gonna be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next month, but you WILL be okay. There is no easy road to "getting better" when it comes to emotional trauma, there is just simply taking it one day at a time and baby steps along the path until one day you realize you're feeling better and then finally you realize you're gonna be okay. So I want you to now embrace, understand, and KNOW: you are going to be okay.
It can be very difficult, but please try to not focus on what you've lost. If you can, try to look back on these past three years as something gained, a happier time that God/Fate/karma/random luck blessed you with to enjoy. Things will get better and you need to keep focusing on YOUR future now and taking care of YOU.
You said you were saving up for a proposal in a couple of years. I suggest that you look into taking some of that and using it on yourself when you can. Take a vacation to somewhere you wanted to go, do something special that you really wanted to do, or just buy something for yourself as a treat. You poured all your love into someone else, and I feel the first real step towards healing is learning to love yourself again and doing something like that can be healthy and get you reenergized a bit.
I'm not sure right now what else I can say other than that I really feel for you and you sound like a cool dude who deserved much better than you got. Keep trying to stay positive and keep looking forward.
Have you checked Meetup.com to see if there's anything that is up your alley?
I second the idea that you should go and do something nice for yourself with the money you saved-up.
I wish I could go somewhere for a little vacation, but now's such a terrible time. :P I just took off a lot from work, and with school starting up soon... At least PAX is coming up. I'm hoping to meet Seattle people there. I usually am slow to trust, but I'm not nearly as bad with PA people. PA people are legit.
Maybe I'll let myself spend more at PAX. I'm usually SUPER frugal there...
And PAX is an AMAZING place to just meet people and socialize and feel good. Hell, if you still need a hug, that's the place to get more hugs than you could ever need.
There's a bunch of SE++ forumers that live in that area, so you might want to come and say hi over there
It'll just take time. Whatever you do, try your damnedest not to let yourself fall behind in your classes. You do NOT want to have to do that shit again because you got emotional; take it from me.
On a practical note, does anyone have any advice on finding people who need roommates? I'm going to need to have somewhere to live by mid September, and I could technically afford to live on my own thanks to state stipends, but only if the place is 600$ a month or less, and I'd prefer not to pay that just to live alone. I've looked for apartments before in my life, but I always had someone to live with, so I've never done it alone, much less look for other people who need people to live with.
I've looked online, and found roommates.com, but they require me to pay them to do anything, and I'm... not to keen on paying random websites for search functions. -_-; Does anyone know a good way to look for a place to live like that? Or better yet... does anyone in the Seattle area need a roommate or know someone who needs a roommate?
I'm a local in the area. I can definitely recommend CK/Cafe Mox. I believe their current Magic league is ending next Thursday, but they have regular FNM and Sunday drafts. You may also look into their Thursday boardgaming night, if you're at all interested in boardgames. I personally play Warmachine there (which I don't recommend if you're on any kind of budget...) but it's a great environment for everything.
I've never even thought about PA meet ups... but that's probably a great idea.
So, I'm not one of those "He said, she said", "OMG, internet drama!" kind of people... but I have to admit, posting to Facebook openly less than 2 weeks after the end of a 3 year committed relationship in front of the person who moved cross country to be with you that you're currently in an "open relationship" with a person you met 4 months ago is...
Well, isn't that just a bit messed up? I hate to put much stock in Facebook, but that doesn't seem... right.
Dude, I don't want this to come across as mean in any way, because I know you're in a lot of pain:
Forget this individual. Block them on FB, delete their contact information from your phone, delete them from your E-Mail contact list, etc. Maybe she's trying to mess with you, maybe she's not, maybe she's just really messed-up right now for whatever reason. It doesn't matter; what she did was ridiculous, and it's not going to do you any good to watch what she does from afar right now. Does she have stuff at your place right now? If she does, phone a relative of hers or a mutual friend or someone to come and deliver it to her. Personally, I'd also change the locks on my place, but that's probably not necessary in most cases.
Forget her, work on getting better, and meet some new people (when you're ready, anyway). Dwelling on people who have, for whatever reason, decided to no longer be part of your life is unhealthy.
Have you looked for a philosophy club? Most places that offer classes would also either have a philosophy club, or someone with whom you can discuss philosophy.
As far as meeting other people, I don't know if you browse reddit at all, but it has meetups all the damn time for just about anywhere. I'm pretty sure the subreddit is something along the lines of /r/meetup. Theres also a subreddit for just about every area code as well. I browse the one for decatur/hunstville all the time and theres usually a bunch of boardgame/dnd gatherings every weekend. You'll pull through it though dude, just gonna take some time.
Seriously, added a little bold there for effect. If you take nothing else from this thread, take that piece of advice. Get her off your facebook. Get her friends off your facebook. Whatever you need to do to get this person out of your life. I get that is hard and you may even still have feelings for her, but what she did is a complete mindfuck and, while you will recover, exposure to her in any way is not going to help right now.
Another option if you have difficulty getting out at times is to swing by the Critical Failures section of the forums, or if you do PC/Console gaming, the Games and Technology. There are tons of smaller groups playing different games within the larger PA community and chatting with them through Vent or a play by post board/RP games is a fun way augment getting back out in the world a bit. Still hit up the meet up options and go out for drinks, as getting physically out is even more important, but I get school and budget can keep you stuck in doors some days, and this still has you "meeting" fun and interesting PA folks.
Just, as Ceres mentioned, make sure your studies are priority number 1. Once you start getting the feel for going out, it's easy to slack a bit in the spirit of getting out in the world. Every step forward will make you feel better/more confident/stronger, and finishing school will be a huge step and accomplishment.
I game with a lot of friends from the Seattle area, many of which are here on the Forums (@Thanatos, @PotatoNinja, and others). I'm also super into the outdoor Shakespeare productions that GreenStage and Wooden O do each summer, as well as outdoor movies like the ones at Magnuson Park. I also get together with Forumers like @Makershot to watch soccer on a regular basis.
We also have a weekly booze-and-burritos afternoon each Saturday, at Royal Booze and Burritos in the U-District. We're great pals with all the weekend bartenders, and they've given us free range to do fun stuff like hook a 360 up to the main TV or the outdoor projector, and do things like the The Game of Thrones Drinking Game. Even if you're not into drinking, this is a fun, social, welcoming hangout that is open to anybody and is usually a whole lot of fun.
If any of this sounds like fun, shoot me a PM and I'll send you my number.
Oh, and I can vouch for @Usagi (and her dude, @Druhim): they are good people. (Just don't take @Druhim to the zoo.)
Twitter | Facebook | Tumblr | Last.fm | Pandora | LibraryThing | formspring | Blue Moon over Seattle (MCFC)
As far as the roommate thing goes, both Craigslist and The Stranger have sections for people looking for roommates in Seattle. You're unlikely to find a one-bedroom or studio anywhere near UW for $600/month, anyhow.
I'm also in the Seattle area. I occasionally head over to CK/Mox on the weekends, and will also be at PAX. Send me a PM, let's arrange something.
Cutting all connections to an ex, at least for a while, is the single most important breakup advice piece. The second is "this too shall pass".
...I don't care if "guys aren't supposed to cry". Fuck that. I feel like I can be honest here. You all have no earthly idea how much I appreciate your words. How much I appreciate the fact that you're willing to take me in and help me. I mean, I know this is "Help / Advice", but... that you're willing to do even as much as you've said so far...
This is the best community in the world, and there's nowhere I'd rather be than with people from PA. Thank you all, really, from the bottom of my heart. When I'm feeling more... stable, I'll definitely get in contact with some of you. I know I'm not out of this yet, but I feel like with people like you all here, I can make it out.
Thank you.
Good call on screwing social norms. Pain is pain and not gender specific. Do what you need to survive and then move forward. There is no way around this sucky phase. For now, distract yourself - it is very important to take breaks from the pain. Keep moving forward with school. Keep yourself healthy. Then start taking steps. Socialization. Do something new or something old that you couldn't do with her. A new hobby, etc.
On the whole, this thread seems to indicate that things are looking up for you Jack. It's always a pleasure to see others reaching out and offering to meet-up or give ideas on how to get out and about!
I just wanted to say one thing about this particular comment. The odds are that failing that test put her in a strange place mentally and emotionally. Especially if it was somehow part of her greater "plan," and this unexpected change is most assuredly one of the myriad of reasons that she left you in such an inconsiderate fashion. Perhaps she felt like a failure and seeing you just reminded her of that, perhaps it was something else. Just remember that none of this is your fault, and that it was extremely small of her to just disappear into the night. A friend once told me that having an unexpected break-up is a little bit like finding out you are on a crashing plane and the other person took the last parachute. So, keep your chin up, go to some of these meet-ups, and do your best to not internalize how things went "wrong."
Fuck "men don't cry". Real men are able to say "I'm hurting", and if that means crying then so be it. I bawled like a damn baby on the third anniversary of my father's passing, while in a war zone no less, and I didn't care. I missed my father and that made me sad, so I cried. You're more of a man because you have the brass balls to come out and say how you feel. Anyone who says otherwise is in my opinion too afraid of their own feelings.
For what it's worth, there is a link between crying and a decrease in the chemicals in the body that cause stress. So you really ARE making yourself feel better by doing it.
Hiding your pain doesn't make it go away. Pretending it's not there doesn't either. Face it, acknowledge it, and it will pass. You're doing this the right way. You will get through this. Good luck man.
So, I come to you all with a new question: what are your Seattle bar recommendations (especially considering my plans)?
Twitter | Facebook | Tumblr | Last.fm | Pandora | LibraryThing | formspring | Blue Moon over Seattle (MCFC)
My problem right now seems to be nightmares. I've had nightmares every night for the past... few nights, and last night I had two separate ones. She's in all of them, of course. I'm getting terrible sleep, and it's making me not want to sleep at all, even though I know I have to. It's miserable.
BTW, if you wake during REM sleep, it is common to have negative feelings. Scientists don't know why this is, but there was some study about waking up from REM dreams vs non-REM dreams and the super happy, wake with an aura of good feelings dreams came from non-REM sleep with the opposite being true for REM sleep. I tell you this so you that when you wake up feeling truly awful that besides the feelings that you have about the dream itself, that some negative feelings may be coming from your brain.
Not long after my mum died, I had so many dreams about her; mostly the 'she's still alive it was just an awful mistake yaay!' type. Woke up feeling miserable each time.
BUT lately I've been dreaming incredibly vivid dreams of...pretty much everything, good and bad. And each time I wake suddenly from them, I still feel pretty terrible, regardless of what they were about, and I've worked through the grief I had too, so it's not that.
Twitter | Facebook | Tumblr | Last.fm | Pandora | LibraryThing | formspring | Blue Moon over Seattle (MCFC)