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Bachelor Party Issues.

Chases Street DemonsChases Street Demons Registered User regular
edited August 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
So, one of my best friends is getting married. Our circle of friends has been together for 15+ years now (since college) and we've held up remarkably well with people splitting off to have kids, etc. Well now my friend's bachelor party has been announced, and it sounds like a good time.

1. Travel to the Philly Area
2. Visit local microbrew + get drunk
3. Visit a den of ill repute. Bring singles.

My issue with the whole scenario is that between the last bachelor party for one of our friends and this one, I have become married. I feel very strongly that going to a strip club violates my vows. As a result, I have no desire to go the strip club, but it's a focal point of the evening. I've never really talked this over with my friends before because I'm not one to piss on someone else's relation ship - if their wife lets them go to the strip club, it's not my place to tell them I think they're cheating, you know?

So, I'm looking for advice. Right now I see only a few options.

1. Ask the guys to cut out the strip club. While this is inline with my personal beliefs, I also think it's kind of selfish to ask the whole night be rearranged. I'm not the best man, so I had no hand in planning this. I don't want to crap on his plans, especially considering he's my best friend.

2. Go to the bar, bail out on the strip club. This is also inline on my personal beliefs but, you know, it is bailing out. Additionally, this potentially causes problems with wifey because I have no desire to even give the appearance of desire to go to the club - and of course, when she's 200 miles away and I've been drinking, she'll wonder if I went. (I wouldn't, but my wife is more important to me than anything - so her being upset over the situation would certainly put a damper on my night.)

3. Don't go. Invent some kind of excuse, send cash to buy some drinks. I miss the party, miss seeing my friends, and still feel like a turd.

So, I invite opinions and additional suggestions, thanks!

"Sometimes things aren't complicated," I said. "You just have to be willing to accept the absolute corruption of everybody involved."

Chases Street Demons on
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    Arson WellesArson Welles Registered User regular
    Option 2. Super easy.

    They're your friends, they'll understand. You'll have to put up with being called a pussy maybe, but everyone knows no one actually means that.

    Plus, explaining this to your wife in advance should let her know you have no intention of going.

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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Option 2. Super easy.

    They're your friends, they'll understand. You'll have to put up with being called a pussy maybe, but everyone knows no one actually means that.

    Plus, explaining this to your wife in advance should let her know you have no intention of going.

    Yep, this is the obvious solution. There's no need to lie to your friends or to ruin their good time. You'll probably take some good natured shit, but that's about it.

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    mrt144mrt144 King of the Numbernames Registered User regular
    I didn't want to go to a strip club for my bachelor party and it still happened. Goddamn sazeracs.

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    ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    Are you sure your wife would even have a problem with you going to a strip club?

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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    I would say talk to your best friend about it beforehand. He knows you and likely your wife - he will probably understand.

    I do think you should go for drinks if you want to and if you can. It's not like he gets married every day. I hope.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Thanatos wrote: »
    Are you sure your wife would even have a problem with you going to a strip club?

    It appears to be more an issue of his than his wife's.

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    Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    So wait, is the issue that you'd be uncomfortable going to a strip club, your wife is uncomfortable with you going to a strip club, or that your wife is uncomfortable with the idea that you'd be in a position where might, in a moment of drunken ill-wisdom, go to a strip club?

    It seems like option two would satisfy everybody, though.

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    DeebaserDeebaser on my way to work in a suit and a tie Ahhhh...come on fucking guyRegistered User regular
    2

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    Chases Street DemonsChases Street Demons Registered User regular
    So wait, is the issue that you'd be uncomfortable going to a strip club, your wife is uncomfortable with you going to a strip club, or that your wife is uncomfortable with the idea that you'd be in a position where might, in a moment of drunken ill-wisdom, go to a strip club?

    It seems like option two would satisfy everybody, though.

    The issue is that both my wife and I consider visiting a strip club to be a violation of our vows. This view is unique among our group of friends, the other wives just sort of say "meh, whatever."

    Thank you for the input, everyone. I was leaning towards option 2, honestly. I'm glad I don't seem to be very off-base.

    "Sometimes things aren't complicated," I said. "You just have to be willing to accept the absolute corruption of everybody involved."

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    Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    Firstly I'd talk to your wife and ask her what she thinks, though by the look if it she doesn't want you to go.

    So you don't go to the strip club. Just say its not your thing anymore.

    More worrying is that in scenario 2 is that your major worry is that you think your wife will think you will go to strip club when you said you wouldn't. Just because you are 200 miles away doesn't mean you'll stare at titties.

    Again have you asked her why? And I suppose are you easily influenced by people while drunk?

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    AftyAfty Registered User regular
    Couldn't you tag along to the strip club and not have tatas rubbed on you, just get a drink at the bar or whatever. It's not like you'll be the focal point of the evening.

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    DetharinDetharin Registered User regular
    As for the strip clubs are we talking fully nude, or topless? If it is just fully nude clubs that you feel violate your vows try and steer the buddies toward a topless one. You could just get a hotel room and hire a private dancer for the group. Heck you could potentially look into just contacting an escort service (the legal not prostitution kind) and contract a couple girls for the evening of crawling through microbrews/a couple dances at the hotel room. The single guys/bachelor get some flirty eye candy and you can just respectfully tell them up front to focus their attention elsewhere. This option might not be cheap however, but your likely to get a better show than your average strip club.

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    KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    Guys, he already said neither him or his wife are comfortable going to a strip club. Any friend is going to understand that.

    Like it's been said, do all the festivities before that, and then bail. You'll get the usual guy teasing but I don't think it's going to be a big deal. I would give the future groom a heads up about this first though.

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    WildEEPWildEEP Registered User regular
    Option 2. No reason to bail on the entire evening.
    Couple of things though - Tell the Best Man, and then tell the Groom that you're gonna miss the strip club.
    Be sure to throw some cash (even if its a tiny amount) at the Best Man so that you can still chip in for the grooms lap dance.

    That way your conscience is clear on all fronts.

    I really do want to ask how you can have an internet connection that contains a Pornographic Cornucopia of every depraved act imaginable by mankind, but balk at a staged show... Its just confusing to me.
    But this isn't D&D, so if you feel like answering, toss it in a PM.

    Cheers!

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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    Yeah, I think the order of events here is pretty clear. First, tell your wife that you're planning to go out with these guys, but by the look of things, the evening ends with a trip to a strip club, and due to the fact that you're married you're planning to skip that part and just have an early night.

    Then tell your friends that you're planning to come down but will bail out on the strip club now that you're married. Tell them that it's not because your wife isn't cool with it (because that would set her up as the bad guy), but rather tell them that now that you're married it's just not your scene and you feel weird about it. But it's no reason to not hang out with these guys, and your actions may encourage a) other guys who are in similar situations to hang out with you that night or b) shift the evening to another place or c) adjust the timing so you spend more time at a bar and less time at the club.

    You don't want to go to one thing that's at the end. It's not that big of a deal. Just tell them it's really not your thing and you feel weird about going. You can do this before you attend or night of.

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    sportzboytjwsportzboytjw squeeeeeezzeeee some more tax breaks outRegistered User regular
    OPTION TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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    TenekTenek Registered User regular
    2. Go to the bar, bail out on the strip club. This is also inline on my personal beliefs but, you know, it is bailing out. Additionally, this potentially causes problems with wifey because I have no desire to even give the appearance of desire to go to the club - and of course, when she's 200 miles away and I've been drinking, she'll wonder if I went. (I wouldn't, but my wife is more important to me than anything - so her being upset over the situation would certainly put a damper on my night.)

    (emphasis added)

    One more vote for Option #2 but one question - is your wife actually going to be upset / not trust you if you tell her you went to the party but left when they went to the strip club? That sounds like another problem entirely.

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    SentrySentry Registered User regular
    Tenek wrote: »
    2. Go to the bar, bail out on the strip club. This is also inline on my personal beliefs but, you know, it is bailing out. Additionally, this potentially causes problems with wifey because I have no desire to even give the appearance of desire to go to the club - and of course, when she's 200 miles away and I've been drinking, she'll wonder if I went. (I wouldn't, but my wife is more important to me than anything - so her being upset over the situation would certainly put a damper on my night.)

    (emphasis added)

    One more vote for Option #2 but one question - is your wife actually going to be upset / not trust you if you tell her you went to the party but left when they went to the strip club? That sounds like another problem entirely.

    Yeah... this is the question I had too. It sounds like you and your wife both agree on strip clubs being bad. But it sounds a BIT like she might prefer you don't go at all? Is that what's happening here? I guess the reason it seems odd is that option 2 seems like kind of a no-brainer, why wouldn't you go be with your friends and then duck out a bit early? Is there more to this then that?

    Oh, and also, option 2. I honestly don't think your friends are going to give you that much shit for it, as long as you don't get all "holier-than-thou" about it.

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    DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    Option 4, go to the strip club blindfolded.

    If you were in my clique I'd totally try to peer pressure you to join us at the club. I'm not saying you should go if you've ethical issues with that decision. It's just more a comment on longterm friendships/group dynamics amongst men and their relationship with tits.

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    NotYouNotYou Registered User regular
    I can definitely see how getting a lap dance could be considered cheating. I cannot see how looking at a naked woman could be. I feel like you could probably come to a compromise on this where you go and look but don't touch.

    If not, then I don't think it's fair for you to try and change the night's main event just to suit your own wishes. You'll need to explain that you have to bail at the end. Sorry :/

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    Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    option 2, however i really hope your wife would A)trust you not to go, and B) trust you even if you did go.

    Your buddies might give you some shit, but ultimately they wont care. unless they are jerks.

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    schussschuss Registered User regular
    You may also miss something hilarious, like when my drunk bachelor friend decided to show his block and tackle to the entire audience after the abuse portion of the bachelor special.

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    Jebus314Jebus314 Registered User regular
    Just a few things to add.

    1) Tell everyone before hand. Not a big deal now, but it would be kind of dick to bail right when people start to head over to the club. Being upfront gives everyone the opportunity to change plans if they want, or whatever.

    2) Don't blame it on your wife. It's super easy when your friends are ragging on you to just be like "wife says no", but it does tend to sour the relationship between your friends and your wife. Just tell them you don't feel comfortable, and stick to your guns.

    "The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it" - Dr Horrible
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    NoisymunkNoisymunk Registered User regular
    edited August 2012
    Option 2.

    And if you get home and your wife doesn't trust you at your word, you need to have a real good talk about what trust means in a marriage.

    And don't be wishy-washy with your friends about it, either. They're going to get buzzed and they're going to try to talk you into it, because that's just what happens when the drinks start flowing. Let them know pre-drinks that you won't be continuing after the bar, and stand firm on that.

    Noisymunk on
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    He's asking for advice on what to do about the bachelor party plans, not for everyone to psychoanalyze his marriage.

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    TenekTenek Registered User regular
    edited August 2012
    Esh wrote: »
    He's asking for advice on what to do about the bachelor party plans, not for everyone to psychoanalyze his marriage.

    His marriage is the reason there's any dilemma at all, not to mention that he explicitly brought it up. A number of us who suggested option #2 would probably reconsider that if his wife is going to think or worry that he's lying.

    Tenek on
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Tenek wrote: »
    Esh wrote: »
    He's asking for advice on what to do about the bachelor party plans, not for everyone to psychoanalyze his marriage.

    His marriage is the reason there's any dilemma at all, not to mention that he explicitly brought it up. A number of us who suggested option #2 would probably reconsider that if his wife is going to think or worry that he's lying.

    No, he AND his wife's personal beliefs are the issue. And since those beliefs are in sync, there's no issue. All he wants to know is how to not offend his friends.

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    NoisymunkNoisymunk Registered User regular
    Esh wrote: »
    He's asking for advice on what to do about the bachelor party plans, not for everyone to psychoanalyze his marriage.

    His phrasing on option two raised my eyebrows.

    brDe918.jpg
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    TenekTenek Registered User regular
    Esh wrote: »
    Tenek wrote: »
    Esh wrote: »
    He's asking for advice on what to do about the bachelor party plans, not for everyone to psychoanalyze his marriage.

    His marriage is the reason there's any dilemma at all, not to mention that he explicitly brought it up. A number of us who suggested option #2 would probably reconsider that if his wife is going to think or worry that he's lying.

    No, he AND his wife's personal beliefs are the issue. And since those beliefs are in sync, there's no issue. All he wants to know is how to not offend his friends.

    That is not consistent with this section (again, emphasis added):
    Additionally, this potentially causes problems with wifey because I have no desire to even give the appearance of desire to go to the club - and of course, when she's 200 miles away and I've been drinking, she'll wonder if I went. (I wouldn't, but my wife is more important to me than anything - so her being upset over the situation would certainly put a damper on my night.)

    If this is just a what-if scenario, and the OP fully expects that telling his wife he didn't go will be the end of it, that's fine. However, including this paragraph at the very least raises the possibility that it won't. So we say "that's weird" and ask for more information to see if it's actually a problem or not. I expect not, but I guess we won't find out until he says something.

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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Tenek wrote: »
    Esh wrote: »
    Tenek wrote: »
    Esh wrote: »
    He's asking for advice on what to do about the bachelor party plans, not for everyone to psychoanalyze his marriage.

    His marriage is the reason there's any dilemma at all, not to mention that he explicitly brought it up. A number of us who suggested option #2 would probably reconsider that if his wife is going to think or worry that he's lying.

    No, he AND his wife's personal beliefs are the issue. And since those beliefs are in sync, there's no issue. All he wants to know is how to not offend his friends.

    That is not consistent with this section (again, emphasis added):
    Additionally, this potentially causes problems with wifey because I have no desire to even give the appearance of desire to go to the club - and of course, when she's 200 miles away and I've been drinking, she'll wonder if I went. (I wouldn't, but my wife is more important to me than anything - so her being upset over the situation would certainly put a damper on my night.)

    If this is just a what-if scenario, and the OP fully expects that telling his wife he didn't go will be the end of it, that's fine. However, including this paragraph at the very least raises the possibility that it won't. So we say "that's weird" and ask for more information to see if it's actually a problem or not. I expect not, but I guess we won't find out until he says something.

    Yeah, IF he shows desire to go, which he hasn't. So there's no issue. Any wife would wonder if he went or not if he expressed a desire and then while 200 miles away and drunk said that he wasn't going to go.

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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    How about if we wait for the OP to clarify instead of going back and forth.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    ruzkinruzkin Registered User regular
    Why not use option 2 as an excuse to set up the next portion of the night? "Hey guys, I don't feel comfortable with the strip club, so while you're in there with the boobs I'll head back to the apartment we rented and get the lights/music/kegs/black forest cake set up, see you in a couple hours."

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    wiltingwilting I had fun once and it was awful Registered User regular
    edited August 2012
    Don't be friends with people who go to strip clubs? I have no idea who these people are or why anybody would want to go to such places.

    More seriously though:

    - Let your buddies know in advance you won't be going to the strip club
    - Don't blame your wife, or let them think she has something to do with it by not refuting any suggestions that she does
    - If they ask, just say its not your thing, maybe it was before but it isn't now. Not liking something doesn't mean other people have to dislike it, or vice versa. No need to get heavy with the vows talk.
    - While your wife should trust you on this, her not being happy about the whole thing generally is understandable, but 'I didn't want to go and didn't go' should be enough.

    wilting on
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    darkmayodarkmayo Registered User regular
    Not a big fan of Strippers either (mainly cause they are terrible in Alberta :D) go with 2.

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    DVGDVG No. 1 Honor Student Nether Institute, Evil AcademyRegistered User regular
    This is why we're going to a roller coaster park for my bachelor party.

    But seriously, just let them know it's not your thing, and offer to come pick them up after they've had their fun. If your a little looser on the subject, such places usually have a bar you can hang out at while your friends are having their good time, and you can chat with the bartender or bouncers while they do their thing. Though it's probably just easier to head back to the hotel, call your wife and say hi, then hit them up later.

    The last bar/club has never been the end of a bachelor party in my experience. We always end up crashing somewhere and hanging out till the wee hours of the morning, and I think that's the part you really don't want to miss.

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    Mr_GrinchMr_Grinch Registered User regular
    I went to a stag night recently, a couple of people felt this way (either married and didn't feel comfy or strip clubs just didn't appeal) so there was a small sub section that vanished off to a different pub to carry on drinking, we met up with them later. Even if it's just you I imagine you can kill a bit of time till they come out, so I agree with nearly everyone else, option 2 is the way to go.

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    ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    edited August 2012
    +1 for option 2.

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    tinwhiskerstinwhiskers Registered User regular
    Option 2 for sure.

    But, both you and your wife have your priorities wrong. Because on your 1-2-3 list of party activities, #1 is by far the worst thing you are doing. Were I your wife, I'd be more upset at you for entering the cesspool that is Phily, than you getting a lappy from some fake blonde with stretch marks and hard plastic tits.

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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Option #2 with you ducking out to set up something else, and then meeting back up later, is a great idea.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    Chases Street DemonsChases Street Demons Registered User regular
    Thanks for everyone for chipping in their opinions. I want you all to know that I don't take offense at the analysis of my marriage. :)

    My marriage is the most important thing in my life, bar none. I believe my wife trusts me, but there are also situations where it's to no gain to test the limits of that trust. To add some possibly required background, my wife has been cheated on in every serious relationship she's ever had, and I have cheated on every serious girlfriend I ever had.

    I'm sure that caused a few rolled eyes out there in the crowd, and I don't blame you. The fact of the matter is that we've been married for five years now without incident, and I know in that perfectly ugly little core of my being that I will never cheat on her. It's simply not who or what I am any more. Of course, this is part of the issue with my friends because the married-me is a much different person than the college-me that many of them first got to know. They don't expect me to suddenly not want to go to a strip club after having gone to many of them in the past with them.

    It's not *her* decision or anything like that, I'd never throw my wife under the bus to my friends. It really is a mutual thing, and I'm just looking for a way to go about the evening without making my beliefs into an issue.

    Honestly, I'll probably be going with some variant of option 2. If I peel off while they go strip clubbin' and then join back up later that might be the best bet. :)

    "Sometimes things aren't complicated," I said. "You just have to be willing to accept the absolute corruption of everybody involved."

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