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Impaler for president!

DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
edited March 2007 in Social Entropy++
The 2008 presidential bid just got a little more challenging for the race’s only satanic vampire candidate.

Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, a 42-year-old New Jersey man who is running under the Vampire, Witches and Pagan Party, is currently being investigated by the Secret Service for potential threats toward President George W. Bush.

According to Sharkey, Secret Service agents visited him and his 19-year-old wife, Spree, in Ohio on Feb. 15. The visit concerned Sharkey’s repeated remarks about impaling Bush, an act Sharkey said he would only do if he were elected president.

“They never even asked to see my impaling stick,” Sharkey said.

Under U.S. law, threatening the president is a felony that carries a five-year prison sentence. On average, the Secret Service develops investigations about nine out of 10 times they receive threatening information, said Secret Service spokesman Darrin Blackford. Such investigations usually involve an interview with the person in question, and sometimes with parents and local officials to determine the severity of the person’s threat.

“They were telling me, when they were interrogating me, that their job was to protect Bush even after he’s out of office,” Sharkey said. “I’m looking at them like, ‘Oh, you’re going to defy me when I become president?’”

While Sharkey’s declarations of his desire to impale Bush may not seem totally feasible, the Secret Service is required to investigate potential threats, Blackford said.

“Oftentimes … we receive criticism as to ‘Why are Secret Service agents investigating this when clearly it was a joke or clearly it was a comment taken out of context?’” he said. “Unfortunately, in our line of work, we can’t take that chance.”

But Sharkey maintains his statements are legal, emphasizing he will only impale Bush once he’s elected president. Sharkey consulted Sheldon Kay, a lawyer and host of a Michigan radio show known as “The Rock and Roll Lawyer Show.” Sharkey spoke on the radio program in November 2006, when Kay allegedly told Sharkey the wording of his threat to Bush was legal. But not everyone agrees with Kay’s advice.

“You can’t threaten the president’s life even if you say it cleverly,” said W. Tray White, executive producer and director of the documentary on Sharkey’s 2006 run for governor of Minnesota, Impaler.

White said Secret Service agents contacted him and is unsure as to whether or not they view Sharkey as a real threat. White believes he has also been threatened by Sharkey, who is upset he hasn’t seen the final version of Impaler. The 30-year-old director said a gathering of vampires and Likens—people who believe they are werewolves—met on the Internet and put a curse on him. He believes the Internet meeting was organized by Sharkey.

“I actually consider him a friend even though he sort of wants to kill me,” White said.

While it is not clear whether Sharkey is a real threat, a 1965 Supreme Court case established a precedent for cases involving potentially bogus claims. In Watts v. U.S., the Supreme Court found that there was no real threat when a young man mentioned wanting to shoot Lyndon B. Johnson if he was drafted into the service.

“In order to punish someone for threatening the life of the president under the First Amendment, the government has to be able to prove a true threat, and there must be intent,” said Neil Richards, a law professor at Washington University in St. Louis. “If you crudely say, ‘Oh I could just kill the president,’ that is not a true threat, and therefore, it is protected political speech.”

Blackford could not comment on what usually happens after the interview portion of a Secret Service investigation but said prosecutable cases are presented to the Assistant U.S. Attorney’s office to determine whether or not they will go to court.

“[It’s possible that] after maybe just one interview or one telephone call we can determine that ‘no this person is not a threat to our protectees,’” Blackford said, “but until we do a little bit of digging we don’t know that.”

While the Secret Service has the right to investigate any information that might allude to harming protected officials, they cannot search a person’s home or seize any items without a warrant—which would require probable cause that a crime has been or is about to be committed, Richards said.

“Under the First Amendment, what it boils down to here is whether or not he’s a vampire who wants to impale the president,” Richards said. “I guess the question is, if he’s a vampire, why is he the one staking people? Shouldn’t he want to bite the president and feed on him? [This], I suppose, is perhaps further evidence that this is not a true threat.”

http://www.columbiachronicle.com/paper/arts.php?id=3525

This dude sounds like an upstanding citizen with a clear agenda. Let's vote Impaler '08.

DarkPrimus on
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2007
    There is no such thing as a real vampire.

    The Geek on
    BLM - ACAB
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    ScrumtrulescentScrumtrulescent Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    uhh

    right then

    Scrumtrulescent on
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    BigDesBigDes Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    People who believe themselves to be werewolves? I thought that the vampires were nutty as fuck.

    BigDes on
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    ScrumtrulescentScrumtrulescent Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    He does realize that the President has to follow the law too

    he can't just order Bush to an execution

    the Secret Serivice protects former presidents for forty years after their term ends, I believe.

    Scrumtrulescent on
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    GreenGreen Stick around. I'm full of bad ideas.Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    "19 year old wife"

    Green on
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    RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited March 2007
    fuck you guys

    I'm voting for this motherfucker

    this country needs a lot more brutal dictators willing to impale those who would harm its heritage

    right on a big fucking pike

    just all

    fuck you now you are on a stick now what

    Rankenphile on
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2007
    He does realize that the President has to follow the law too

    Not according to Bush!

    OH HO HO! TOPICAL!

    The Geek on
    BLM - ACAB
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    GreenGreen Stick around. I'm full of bad ideas.Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    The 30-year-old director said a gathering of vampires and Likens—people who believe they are werewolves—met on the Internet and put a curse on him.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    oh god

    funny fuse has blown

    Green on
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    Lord DaveLord Dave Grief Causer Bitch Free ZoneRegistered User regular
    edited March 2007
    I bet Grima would totally knife him before he got around to impaling Bush, anyway.

    Lord Dave on
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    RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited March 2007
    plus

    good chance we'd get a slayer song as our new national anthem

    which is a plus

    Rankenphile on
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2007
    Green wrote: »
    The 30-year-old director said a gathering of vampires and Likens—people who believe they are werewolves—met on the Internet and put a curse on him.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    oh god

    funny fuse has blown

    I think maybe he meant Lycans. Y'know, as in lycanthropy.

    The Geek on
    BLM - ACAB
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    ScrumtrulescentScrumtrulescent Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    I'm not sure about nowadays but Secret Service agensts used to be badasses

    have you guys seen the Zapruder film

    all like

    HUMAN SHIELD HUMAN SHIELD

    Scrumtrulescent on
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2007
    I wonder if people who think they are real vampires are afraid of Sarah Michelle Gellar.

    The Geek on
    BLM - ACAB
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    PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    fark



    anybody say fark?




    fark

    PiptheFair on
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    Lord DaveLord Dave Grief Causer Bitch Free ZoneRegistered User regular
    edited March 2007
    The Geek wrote: »
    Green wrote: »
    The 30-year-old director said a gathering of vampires and Likens—people who believe they are werewolves—met on the Internet and put a curse on him.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    oh god

    funny fuse has blown

    I think maybe he meant Lycans. Y'know, as in lycanthropy.

    Maybe he meant Lichens, and they're actually moss-people.

    Lord Dave on
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    BigDesBigDes Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    I know I am.

    Scared of Sarah Michelle Gellar.

    BigDes on
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    JordynJordyn Really, Commander? Probing Uranus. Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    ok look if you're gonna act like you're a vampire you have to pick a nickname that isn't "Impaler."

    Jordyn on
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    JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
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    WrenWren ninja_bird Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    I'm an apostle.

    Wren on
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    TF2 - Wren BF3: Wren-fu
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    CarnivoreCarnivore Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    impala-antelope-2.jpg

    Carnivore on
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    Lord DaveLord Dave Grief Causer Bitch Free ZoneRegistered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Jordyn wrote: »
    ok look if you're gonna act like you're a vampire you have to pick a nickname that isn't "Impaler."

    I would think the "Jonathon" and "Sharkey" parts would be tripping him up there.

    Lord Dave on
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    Dex DynamoDex Dynamo Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Ahhh New Jersey, how I miss your crazies...

    Dex Dynamo on
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2007
    Jordyn wrote: »
    ok look if you're gonna act like you're a vampire you have to pick a nickname that isn't "Impaler."

    Gotta go for something like Sniffles or Skippy.

    The Geek on
    BLM - ACAB
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    Lord DaveLord Dave Grief Causer Bitch Free ZoneRegistered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Lord Dave wrote: »
    Jordyn wrote: »
    ok look if you're gonna act like you're a vampire you have to pick a nickname that isn't "Impaler."

    I would think the "Jonathon" and "Sharkey" parts would be tripping him up there.

    But really, I don't think he's allowed to call himself that unless he's actually impaled at least one dude.

    It's gotta be a dude, cats and rodents don't count.

    Ol' Vlad must be spinning in his grave. Except I guess he wouldn't be in it, would he.

    Lord Dave on
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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    I'm disapointed that he mispelled Lycan.

    Check your facts before you print, people.

    Bedlam on
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    PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Lord Dave wrote: »
    Lord Dave wrote: »
    Jordyn wrote: »
    ok look if you're gonna act like you're a vampire you have to pick a nickname that isn't "Impaler."

    I would think the "Jonathon" and "Sharkey" parts would be tripping him up there.

    But really, I don't think he's allowed to call himself that unless he's actually impaled at least one dude.

    It's gotta be a dude, cats and rodents don't count.

    Ol' Vlad must be spinning in his grave. Except I guess he wouldn't be in it, would he.

    that's like 17 jokes in one post

    PiptheFair on
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    DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    The dude is a vampire pimp, I think.

    DarkPrimus on
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    Lord DaveLord Dave Grief Causer Bitch Free ZoneRegistered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Bedlam wrote: »
    I'm disapointed that he mispelled Lycan.

    Check your facts before you print, people.

    I refuse to be mad at a guy for not looking up the correct spelling of the word for "moron who pretends he thinks he's a werewolf".

    Lord Dave on
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    skinny87skinny87 Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Well, that just made my miserable night far more bearable. Thanks

    skinny87 on
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    BigDesBigDes Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Also, that guy didn't go

    "Bleaah" once during that interview.

    Further proof he isn't a vampire.

    BigDes on
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    skinny87skinny87 Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    BigDes wrote: »
    Also, that guy didn't go

    "Bleaah" once during that interview.

    Further proof he isn't a vampire.

    Neither did he suck the reporter's blood or attempt to hypnotise him into becoming a slavish servant of his undead schemes.

    As a Vampire, he's got a lot to do...

    skinny87 on
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    CerriusCerrius Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    I don't think foreign dignitaries are going to enjoy meeting with "President" Sharkey in the Whitehouses basement.

    Cerrius on
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    AshcroftAshcroft LOL The PayloadRegistered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Just once I'd like to see one of these vampire people ham it up a bit. Put on a huge fake accent, dress like an 18th century homosexual, don't just sit in the dark fucking your 19 year old wife and listening to Cradle of Filth all day. Put on a show.

    Ashcroft on
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] regular
    edited March 2007
    The user and all related content has been deleted.

    [Deleted User] on
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    DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Ashcroft wrote: »
    Just once I'd like to see one of these vampire people ham it up a bit. Put on a huge fake accent, dress like an 18th century homosexual, don't just sit in the dark fucking your 19 year old wife and listening to Cradle of Filth all day.

    If I had it scanned, this is where I'd insert the page from Preacher where Cassidy calls the goth vampire a wanker.

    DarkPrimus on
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    CarnivoreCarnivore Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Ashcroft wrote: »
    Just once I'd like to see one of these vampire people ham it up a bit. Put on a huge fake accent, dress like an 18th century homosexual, don't just sit in the dark fucking your 19 year old wife and listening to Cradle of Filth all day. Put on a show.

    Women in the 19th century, if Tim Burton films are to be believed, were hotter than they are now.

    Like wearing clothes 2 sizes two small and born with breasts 2 sizes too big.

    Carnivore on
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    UbikUbik oh pete, that's later. maybe we'll be dead by then Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Bedlam wrote: »
    I'm disapointed that he mispelled Lycan.

    Check your facts before you print, people.

    Yeah I was gonna say that. Rookie blunder.

    Ubik on
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    Captain KCaptain K Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    I'm not sure about nowadays but Secret Service agensts used to be badasses

    have you guys seen the Zapruder film

    all like

    HUMAN SHIELD HUMAN SHIELD

    If they were badasses, how come JFK's brains ended up all over the backseat?

    Captain K on
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] regular
    edited March 2007
    The user and all related content has been deleted.

    [Deleted User] on
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    FavlaudFavlaud just straight up awful Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-JAY EEEE-EE-EEEEEEEEFF KAYYYYYYYYY

    Favlaud on
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] regular
    edited March 2007
    The user and all related content has been deleted.

    [Deleted User] on
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