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Ex GF wants to give us another shot and I'm having very mixed feelings about it
Jean
Heartbroken papa bearGatineau, QuébecRegistered User regular
Heartbroken papa bearGatineau, QuébecRegistered User regular
'Sup H/A? Been a while since I last created a thread here 
My last relationship ended up very badly almost 3 years ago. We were both at fault. I had minimal contact with her since the breakup and the contact we did had wasn't exactly pleasant. I didn't spoke to her at all for most of 2011 and all of 2012.
She contacted me again about 2 weeks ago. At first I didn't even want to look at the email but I did end up looking at it and replying. It's the first time since the breakup than we had actually pleasant exchanges.
Just as I suspected when I first saw her name in my inbox, she wants to get back together with me. I asked her why and she answered : Even after all this time apart I still have feelings for you. I want to be with you.''
Even tough that was the answer I was expecting, it made me very happy. I have to admit I still have feelings for her, too.
My reason says ''RUN! You'll only end up hurt again if you hook up with her again.'' My heart says ''It's been 3 years, you've both matured. She deserve to be forgiven and given another chance.''
Well at least I have a long time to make a decision. I'm moving back to Québec(she lives near my hometown) in April or May and a LDR is out of the question.
My last relationship ended up very badly almost 3 years ago. We were both at fault. I had minimal contact with her since the breakup and the contact we did had wasn't exactly pleasant. I didn't spoke to her at all for most of 2011 and all of 2012.
She contacted me again about 2 weeks ago. At first I didn't even want to look at the email but I did end up looking at it and replying. It's the first time since the breakup than we had actually pleasant exchanges.
Just as I suspected when I first saw her name in my inbox, she wants to get back together with me. I asked her why and she answered : Even after all this time apart I still have feelings for you. I want to be with you.''
Even tough that was the answer I was expecting, it made me very happy. I have to admit I still have feelings for her, too.
My reason says ''RUN! You'll only end up hurt again if you hook up with her again.'' My heart says ''It's been 3 years, you've both matured. She deserve to be forgiven and given another chance.''
Well at least I have a long time to make a decision. I'm moving back to Québec(she lives near my hometown) in April or May and a LDR is out of the question.
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So before we even get to her, lets talk about you.
Thinking about all the mistakes and mishaps you had that you consider to be even partially your fault....how have you progressed on those things in the past 3 years?
If you can say - A lot, then good! If you still haven't made any progress, then don't bother because the same things are going to happen again.
As for her - you undoubtedly have a list of negative things for her, that you'd not want to repeat - be it personality traits, behaviors, etc. Getting into that requires that you both have an open an honest conversation before you start. If you try and talk about your failures the first time and you both break down into a blame game - then you certainly can't work it out with a new relationship.
Even if you do decide to give it another shot, I'd highly recommend you two start over, not try and pick up where you left off.
Also, you need to have realistic expectations about what she's asking for. I don't want to be crass, but having been in an absolutely horrid situation involving spousal abuse, when I suddenly came on the market, a lot of women I once knew came out of the woodwork (people seriously hawk face book pages, damn). When they say they want to be with you, in some cases, it really means that they enjoyed the fantastic sex you two had, and would like more. But that doesn't mean they want an relationship outside of the bedroom.
Take that for what you will.
Also it kinda bugs me that she's jumping right into it after 3 years almost completely apart wanting to get back together just like that. Instead of suggesting you guys meet up and catch up a bit and see how things are.
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If the answer is no, then you're only asking for trouble.
Also, as minirhyder said, always be wary of people that aren't in your life anymore and all of a sudden want to 'catch up' because of reasons. Do you know if she just got out of a relationship? This might all be nostalgic feelings on both your parts and that's dangerous.
As stated before, if you have resolved everything about the breakup, I could see it working maybe. Just be honest with yourself. I don't think I could ever not hold the past over my ex's head, so I wouldn't be able to do this ever. But if you can, I don't see why it wouldn't work.
People hardly change, what bugged you before will bug you again. And vice versa. Save your sanity. I'm sure she's a lovely person, but, you two didn't work, and it takes a lot more effort to make a failed relationship work again, a lot more than if you were two virgins coming into it again. Are you prepared for that?
Pragmatic concerns aside, it's not surprising that (1) it made you happy to hear that she wanted to be with you and (2) that you still have feelings for her. You'll find what you fell in love with her if you look for it, but you should figure out if you really want to go there.
But to be clear, the default response to the question of "Should I date my ex again?" is "Hell no! If you were right for one another, you wouldn't be exes!"
If you think you've both matured, then this seems to me like a really good time to just be friends, with no expectations of things going further. You don't know what resentments you both still may carry, or exactly what has changed for the two of you, and saying "yes let's go out again" without seeing if you can be friends seems like a terrible idea to me.
Me too.
This is not the way people usually approach relationships that ended badly that they want to rekindle.
My advice would be, if you want to at least meet up with her and see what's what, is to say "I don't think I am confident that we can make a relationship work this time either, but why don't we just meet up for a coffee and hang out as friends? I would like to see you at least."
Then just do that for a few weeks/months/whatever. See if the spark is still there.
Well, we both have apologised for our worst offenses. I know it was a sincere apology in my case and I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt for hers. They're is smaller issues we still haven't talked about, tough.
One of my main problem with her during our relationship was her lack of job/income, a general lack of independance. She says that is now solved, that she have a job and is going to school to improve her skills. From here, I have no way to know if she's telling the truth. I can only hope so.
I did caught her in lies a few times during the course of our relationship. She admitted so herself. Frankly that's my biggest fear, that she would start lying to me again after a while... or that she's lying to me right now.
Sorry, I should had been clearer on this. I currently live in Edmonton, Alberta but I am moving back to my hometown of Gatineau,Québec in a few months. My ex lives near that town. We're speaking less than 1 hr drive away here.
26 to 29 for me, 23 to 26 for her.
Funny that you mention that because I *AM* terribly lonely at the moment. Can't speak for her, tough.
I haven't asked her that. My gut feeling tough is than she's been single since we broke up. Nostalgy of the past does play a part, at least for me.
Either way, take if slow if you start talking again and trust your gut.
My gut says her apologies are sincere, her feelings for me are sincere and than she hasn't dated anyone since we broke up.
One thing that worries me is than on one hand she said ''we need to have a serious discussion about the past'' but a few mails later she also said ''if we dwell on the past too much, we'll never move forward'' I find that contradictory because said discussion about the past is nowhere near over.
I don't know either of you or anything, but from things you've said and the way you've said them, I do not think getting back together sounds like a good idea. It's hard enough to get back together after a breakup if you DO decide to try to forget everything and start fresh... you two sound like you're in for a lot of "see this is why it didn't work before" fights.
Sounds like she's just using fancy relationship-sounding words to confuse you and doesn't actually know what she wants.
Coincidentally, that's how I use my wang when out on the town
I wish I could disagree with this but I can't.
My relationship with her was like a rollercoaster. The good parts were AWESOME but they bad parts were ... painfully bad.
FWIW, I'm the one who initiated the breakup. All the communication we had since then was her wanting to get back with me. I wasn't receptive at all so it was, at best, unpleasant for both sides.
She sent me a mail shortly after I moved to Alberta. My answer basically was '' I assume you want to get back together but that's impossible because I'm making lot of money in Alberta now and I am happy here'' (at the time I wrote that mail, it was the truth). It took her 6 months to reply. I ignored that mail.
Move forward 1 year. I am no longer happy in Alberta. I'm homesick and will move back soon. She contact me again. Now than I'm showing some interest in getting back together, she is sending me several emails per day.
As absurd as it sounds, i love this girl. We love each other to death.. but we also have hurt each other a lot.
I really don't want to play the victime card here because I was as guilty as she was in the failing of this relationship.
I'm a very emotional guy. My own mother told me ''Ive rarely seen a guy being so honest about his emotions'' That is both a blessing and a curse I suppose?
And there may simply down the line be a point where you need to be able to say to yourself "I really love her but it's not enough to make this work" and be able to face that.
My ex, and myself to a lesser degree, are like that.
Don't want to be blunt, but reading this makes me say 'Don't get into it, you'll regret this 100%'. If the discussion about what happened is nowhere near over, there's a pretty big chance that won't ever happen. It's been years since the breakup, so starting that discussion up now would just result in a discussion about what you feel went wrong and what she feels went wrong. Unless there's one specific cause to the breakup it'll be a battle of opinions, and you know what they say about that...
Personally, I think you're confusing being okay with the person/situation with being open to a relationship. I know this all too well. I am 100% comfortable with my ex's but I will never risk being emotionally attached to any one of them again, because some stuff hasn't been resolved. I don't need those answers anymore as I've moved on with my life, but when building something on love and trust it's necesairy to be able to be there for eachother 100% without grudges or regrets. When you say that she's lied to you in the past I think it would be really hard for you both to do that.
Either you let go of the past completely and start again, or work it out completely and start again. The chances of that are pretty slim though I feel.
I think if you are going to get back together you should strongly consider starting couples therapy at the same time. You both clearly understand that your last mode of being a couple did not work and the best time for you to build up a good mode of being a couple is right now when you're rebuilding anyways. Without involving a professional I don't see how you could expect to get different results than last time.
This is exactly why I said it's going to be more work than a new relationship. It's going to be more work than the original relationship was. That's an uphill battle and you both have to really want it. Bad.
It's easier to fire up okcupid and find some new people. Probably better too. So I'm going to say do what ceres says.
What caused the break-up, Jean? Just trust issues between the two of you?
^ This, pretty much ^
I mean, if you don't like the dating scene or whatever (I sure don't), I guess it would seem simpler to just try restarting your relationship with your ex, but like everyone else has already said you'll be unhappy in a very short period of time if neither of you have changed whatever behavior that led to the initial break-up.
I hardly need to tell you this if you've already been there over a year, but Alberta's a total shit hole and that's probably at least aggravating your loneliness. After a few weeks back in Quebec you might not feel so lonely anymore, can hit up the local dating scene, etc, and then you won't need to explore what sounds like a very messy situation.
@The Ender - Trust is a large part, but it's not everything. Several little things like her not having a driving license, expecting me to pay for everything, etc, ended up poisoning the relationship.
I have hells of trouble letting things go. I can do it.. but man it is not any kind of easy or fun. If even one of you is like that.. well...
You know, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you two should start going to couples therapy before you make a solid decision to give things another try. Say "we were a couple, and now we're not, but we think we might want to be again, and we want to see if we can resolve some of what happened before maybe poisoning a new relationship." It sounds weird, but if you are both sincere in your desire to make a new relationship work you really need to be able to communicate about the old one, and it needs to be better quality communication than the stuff you're having now, or might have left to your own. If you're really sincere, you may need to learn to talk to each other like you're people, basically.
The problem with therapy is that it requires both persons to be honest, and somewhat trusting of each other. Given what Jean has said:
It doesn't seem like they are in a position to effectively utilize therapy. They can go to the meetings and say things to the therapist, and each other, but there's no way to ensure that she's speaking truthfully. If she lies throughout the sessions then the problem isn't solved, and they've effectively wasted a bit of money.
Hmm.....I think this would lean me towards suggesting "no" since I have trouble picturing rebuilding a new functional relationship from an old nonfunctional one being anything but complicated.
Ultimately I think the question that you need to answer is "Why do I think this will be different from last time?" Then it's just a question if you are satisfied with that answer.
Oh, hah, I missed that somehow. Yeah, if that's too complicated for you, just walk away now, because nothing about what you're talking about doing in getting back together is going to be uncomplicated.
But you deserve better than that. You also deserve better than to invest a ton of time and energy into something that has a really good chance of failing again. You also deserve love just like everyone else does. You'll find someone. Don't let the nagging feeling of being lonely influence your decision over making an easier choice because an opportunity presents itself and it's far less than going to find someone else to be interested in.
A lot of your fellow board members have been through the same situation, and similar ones. And it's often why, when you deal with breakups, people will recommend you break off all communication with the person. Flat out, nothing. That's a chapter in your life that you should only look back on for nostalgia's sake. Don't try to re-read it and hope your rose colored glasses will make it worth it this time.
That comment you made to Ender is a HUGE red flag. I do not know her at all, so I might be totally off base on this, but it sounds like she maybe enjoyed the entire "hey this person is doing all of the grown up stuff for me" part.
If you think that you can be objective, just having a conversation may not be a terrible idea. People can grow up between 23-26. That said, the reasons behind why the relationship ended (she was not an adult maturity wise it seems) probably will do the same thing again. If she knows what to say to you to charm you back (and it sounds like she does), you will want to stay away.
Then again, my college sweetheart / first love / ex-fiancee is my best friend now-a-days (and no, there is no "waiting" for her, she is 2000 miles away getting her Ph.D, and bless her soul, her studies will always be her first priority), so I might not be the best person to ask.
It sounds like you're interested in her because, based on some changes you perceive, you think the relationship will now be "easy." It sounds like you want to coast into it and have everything be great now that your main issues with her in the past appear to be resolved. That's not a bad idea, mind -- I think everyone wants their relationships to be easy and comfortable -- but it's not realistic. You two broke up for some semi-serious reasons, and you would have to face the actual emotions that were involved in the breakup and arguments.
If you can't even go to a one-off couples counselor, it doesn't seem like you're really that interested in getting back with her. Don't let "we're both lonely" be the reason you got back together.