Ladies (and everyone), would you consider this a date? And what would you want out of it?

john392john392 Registered User regular
Ok so I like this girl in one of my college classes. I started talking to her and asked her out. We had a really good time out at a cool restaurant and she even said she did. We went on september 25th. Well for various reasons, progress never really got made.

During the date I had asked her to come with me to a Capitals hockey game and she got really excited and wanted to (she likes hockey, never went to a game). Well since my tickets weren't for a while away, I asked her to the movies after our date. Well she couldn't a few times and I stopped asking, but then she turned around and asked me later, but that weekend a bunch of crap came up for both of us and we couldn't go. I was just starting to assume I was 'friend-zoned'

Don't get me wrong we still talk a lot in and after class. We enjoy talking to each other, she always comes right up to me after class and starts talking to me. I went to the hockey game (that I wanted her to go with me) to with my friend, and told her about it during one of our conversations and I could tell she was a little jealous. A few days I asked her to eat lunch with me this past Friday (like 2 days ago)

At the end of our lunch I told her I got more tickets and directly asked her to go with me, mentioning I wanted to take her last time, but she didn't commit/I wasn't sure if she really wanted to (she agreed that was her bad, she wanted to go). Well she said yes and the game is on Nov 5th.

So ladies (and everyone), does/will she consider this a date? I haven't 'made a move' on her, so I hope she doesn't think I'm taking her as a friend. What should I do in the week or so leading up to the game? What would be recommended for me to do at the game?

Your thoughts are always appreciated and thanked

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  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Tell her you want it to be a date and then you will know. Don't sit here and play "guess that outing", just find out from her what she thinks.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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  • The EnderThe Ender Registered User regular
    A 'friend zone' is not a real thing. Like Ceres said, just make sure you're both on the same page about it being a date.

    Also, good luck! A hockey game should make for a rad date.

    With Love and Courage
    chr1sh4ll3ttb3UsagiEvigilant
  • wiltingwilting Registered User regular
    The third time I met up with a girl I liked for a drink I referred to it as a "date" only to be told "she didn't want anything".

    I subsequently brought her to a concert and at the end of the night she called me "creepy".

    She is now my awesome girlfriend.

    Chin up, stop worrying, have fun and it'll happen.

    CambiataThe EnderKias
  • davidsdurionsdavidsdurions Your Trusty Meatshield Panhandle NebraskaRegistered User regular
    And don't change your behavior this week leading up to the hockey game. You've been doing awesome so far just being yourself so far and she has not gone running for the hills yet with just relaxed classroom conversation. Just relax, maybe hit the gym for some confidence boosting work outs and don't forget to do your homework early so you aren't stressed out about that during the hockey game.

    PwH4Ipj.jpg
  • rawdogandbailrawdogandbail Registered User new member
    Raw dog it!!!!!

  • ShivahnShivahn Unaware of her barrel shifter privilege Western coastal temptressRegistered User regular
    wilting wrote: »
    The third time I met up with a girl I liked for a drink I referred to it as a "date" only to be told "she didn't want anything".

    I subsequently brought her to a concert and at the end of the night she called me "creepy".

    She is now my awesome girlfriend.

    Chin up, stop worrying, have fun and it'll happen.

    Or it might not, and that can suck but it's ok too.

    CambiataTurkey
  • john392john392 Registered User regular

    [quote=Or it might not, and that can suck but it's ok too.[/quote]

    That's what I'm afraid of, terrified actually, because I just have no idea. Like what was alluded to earlier make sure she knows its a date. But how??? I literally was super close to have given up on this girl like I said, but she kept talking to me after class, and our conversations were good.

    I'm just really nervous about this now, a lot of friends (they are in college, maybe its mindset) say that I have pretty much set myself up for failure/humiliation since it has been so long since we "formally" went out last time, and she is just taking an opportunity to see a game she's never been to. Does this have any merit? Or am I in a good position for this to not happen?

  • ShivahnShivahn Unaware of her barrel shifter privilege Western coastal temptressRegistered User regular
    Yeah you really need to talk to her. None of us know anything about her head state - in fact, all we have to go on is supposition based on information filtered through you.

    Asking "can we make this a date?" is scary as fuck. It's scary because sometimes the answer is "no, you're a good friend but I don't feel any manner of romantic or crush feelings towards you."

    So we don't want to ask, because we're terrified. But you know, asking or not doesn't change the answer. If it is yes and you don't ask, you risk losing it. If it's no and you don't ask, you spend forever hung up on someone who's never going to reciprocate, driving yourself mad as you are now. If it's yes and you do ask, congratulations you have a pretty awesome date with someone who likes you. If it's no and you do ask, you get a lot of temporary heartache, but you reduce the heartache in the long run and don't spend so long hung up on the person.

    You're better off asking either way. It's terrifying and nerve wracking, but not asking is actually worse in every way.

    CambiataEsseeUsagitynicTurkey
  • wiltingwilting Registered User regular
    edited October 2013
    You won't know if you don't try, and getting all anxious about it doesn't help anything. Relax and enjoy the good company and the hockey. Stop overthinking. You are putting too much onus on whether or not it is formally a date, it could be formally/officially a date (whatever that means) and nothing could happen, or it could be ostensibly friends only and something could happen, or nothing could happen this or the dozen other times you meet this girl and then something could happen after that.

    If you feel like it the next time it comes up in conversation just say something like 'ready for our hockey date?'. It doesn't have to be a big formal declaration, or an awkward outright question of 'is this a date?' Take it easy, slip it into the conversation naturally.

    Don't invest so much in one evening, or be in such a rush to ascertain if shes interested in you, forget social notions like 'friend zones' or trying to figure out who is thinking what. Just take the person you like to the thing you like and enjoy. Stop thinking, stop worrying, stop pressuring. Just do what the whole point of the whole venture is in the first place; have fun.

    wilting on
  • CambiataCambiata Commander Shepard The likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
    edited October 2013
    john392 wrote: »
    Or it might not, and that can suck but it's ok too.

    That's what I'm afraid of, terrified actually, because I just have no idea. Like what was alluded to earlier make sure she knows its a date. But how???

    During conversation you can say, "I'm so stoked for our date. Go [team of choice]!"

    Or you can say "Hey I just wanted to be sure we're on the same page, you know my inviting you to that hockey game is a date, right?"

    Or you can use some other method to directly state "this is a date we are going on." Maybe she's just as confused as you! If you want for both of you to not be confused, then say it's a date.

    Cambiata on
    Turkey
  • ShivahnShivahn Unaware of her barrel shifter privilege Western coastal temptressRegistered User regular
    That's another thing, yeah.

    Women: sometimes really not sure what stuff means and afraid to ask (sometime, because they are worried of rejection and want something to be romantic).

    In other words, Cambiata's totally right.

    Cambiata
  • HollerHoller Registered User regular
    john392 wrote: »
    I have pretty much set myself up for failure/humiliation since...
    I think you need to recalibrate your definition for the word "humiliation." Lots of guys hang out with girls, and lots of those guys want to maybe date those girls, and lots of times that doesn't work out, and it isn't a big deal.

    Basically, this situation is going to be exactly as weird as you make it. If you walk up to her all sweaty and shifty and breathing heavy and ask if its a date, then grimace and wallow in silence if she says no, then yeah, it's gonna be weird and you're gonna look weird/feel embarrassed. You pretty much have to force yourself to be real breezy about it, and if she says no, just smile and say "alright, cool" and keep acting like a pretty cool dude that isn't awful to be around.

    Also, if she doesn't want to date you, would you still want to be friends with her? You should also keep that in mind for your maybe-date. To me, either way, you've already invited her to this thing, so for now it is pretty of irrelevant, unless you want to come off like kind of a rude guy. In my book, it would be more humiliating for you to be like, "hey, do you want to make out? because if not, I'm not gonna bother bringing you" than to casually ask, as you walk into the stadium, "so, is this a date...? I was kind of hoping so, but if not, that's cool too." in a casual way. Honestly, to me, that kind of communication makes me think taht the other person is an emotionally intelligent, mature dude who was capable of communicating with people effectively, which is the opposite of humiliating. Plus, it leaves you open to have a nice time with a person you enjoy talking to watching a game you both are interested in.

    Then, you either have an established date and a green light for smooching, or a clear "no" and you know exactly where you stand/can decide based on how much you enjoyed yourself as her friend whether you wanted to keep hanging out, or keep it more strictly a chat-in-class relationship.

    CambiataEssee
  • WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    Like Holler said, the way you inquire is key also. If she's on the fence about what this is, a stammering sweaty question will probably sway her to the no side of the fence more than a casual , is this a date? conversation drop.

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  • john392john392 Registered User regular
    Holler wrote: »
    john392 wrote: »
    Also, if she doesn't want to date you, would you still want to be friends with her? You should also keep that in mind for your maybe-date. To me, either way, you've already invited her to this thing, so for now it is pretty of irrelevant, unless you want to come off like kind of a rude guy. In my book, it would be more humiliating for you to be like, "hey, do you want to make out? because if not, I'm not gonna bother bringing you" than to casually ask, as you walk into the stadium, "so, is this a date...? I was kind of hoping so, but if not, that's cool too." in a casual way. Honestly, to me, that kind of communication makes me think taht the other person is an emotionally intelligent, mature dude who was capable of communicating with people effectively, which is the opposite of humiliating. Plus, it leaves you open to have a nice time with a person you enjoy talking to watching a game you both are interested in.

    Yeah this makes sense. I would never 'un-invite' her, that's beyond classless. Thanks for the good advice. But I'm just like not sure about the situation, and 'how to make the most of this'. I've been one of more 'unsuccessful' guys in college for various reasons, and like I said before a lot of friends that I talk to/ask about these kinds of things get sort of skewed to their experiences/mindset and it makes me nervous and second-guessy. Most of them say I offered way to much to this girl and she is just simply taking what is being given. The bad part is that I think they are right on this, ladies is this a genuine possibility? Not as like an evil thing, just as like a 'you offered, I accepted, thanks, end of story'

    One thing I have in my favor to go off of is its a ~1.5 hour drive to the stadium from our campus, so she essentially agreed to spend upwards of 6-7 hours with me which normally one wouldn't do for no reason. I'm trying not to worry about it but its hard when your brain keeps wracking up the questions before you have any answers to them.

  • HollerHoller Registered User regular
    It's totally possible she is just going because she likes hockey, but it's a rare person who will agree to hanging out with someone for that duration, alone, if they don't at least enjoy the company of the person. So, this is a chance to confirm for her that you're awesome, and either collect makeouts afterward, or collect a friendship (or, yes, possibly go back to exactly how things were before). It is very unlikely that she is JUST using you for a ticket, though you have no reason yet to expect more than attending a hockey game with her.

    I would just stick to the facts: you're goin to the game with this girl, she might be into you, this is your chance to find out one way or the other, and the worst-case scenario is probably that in a year this will just be a failed date with some girl you had a class with.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    The thing is, just because you invited her somewhere and she said she'd go does not mean she owes you a relationship. It almost certainly means that she thinks you are cool enough to hang out with, and that is a really good thing. If you want more than that, if you want this to be a date, you need to be explicit. She is not a mind reader and neither are we. She may say no, and that's still okay. Friendship is good too, and I would not assume something was a date because someone asked me if I wanted to go somewhere fun. People get just as burned by that expectation, I know I have, so just talk to her and see what she thinks.

    Also, please stop asking us ladies what she is thinking or what is possible. We are not all part of a hive mind where we have this information. What she is thinking about this situation is going to be highly individual. Maybe she thinks it's a date, maybe she just wants to be friends but thinks you're cool, maybe she's just being polite, or maybe she plans to taser you for your tickets when you come to pick her up and then give them to her mom as a birthday present. I have no idea why I would have that information because I also have a vagina.

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  • gjaustingjaustin Registered User regular
    The advice so far is pretty good - go to the game and enjoy yourself.

    The only thing I have to add is that you'll be packed in next to each other for a few hours at the game. You may pick up some cues from her body language and how she sits relative to you. Does she touch your arm or lean in close when she talks to you? Is her body angled towards you or in more of a neutral position?

    You'll still eventually have to do something to make your feelings clear, but it might help you get an idea of whether or not you should do so. I'd say it's too late to clarify this outing, but hopefully there's a next time!

  • UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    Orrrr you could just ask her

    Because hey, that's what adults do

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  • NotYouNotYou Registered User regular
    I mean, everyone has different ways of communicating with people, but if I were in your position, I would be absurdly direct but not treat it all that seriously at the same time. I would say: "Is this a date? Cause I kinda want this to be a date." And if she said she didn't want it to be a date, I'd smile and laugh and still have a nice time and continue being her friend. I'd tell her that. Maybe you, you'd say it different. Maybe you'd just make a move out of nowhere and try to hold hands with her or something. Whatever works for you. But nothing is gonna happen if you don't do something. That's life.

    CambiataSCREECH OF THE FARG
  • gjaustingjaustin Registered User regular
    Usagi wrote: »
    Orrrr you could just ask her

    Because hey, that's what adults do
    A little ambiguity for a single "date" isn't so terrible.

    He should have fun and enjoy the game, then worry about this. Not everything has to be absolutely clear at every single moment - that way lies anxiety and madness.

    MaguanoGiggles_Funsworth
  • ShivahnShivahn Unaware of her barrel shifter privilege Western coastal temptressRegistered User regular
    What's going on now is clearly anxiety and madness, though.

    gjaustinEsseeUsagiCambiatachr1sh4ll3ttb3
  • gjaustingjaustin Registered User regular
    Shivahn wrote: »
    What's going on now is clearly anxiety and madness, though.
    You won't get any disagreement from me there.

    Giggles_FunsworthTurkey
  • GizzyGizzy i am a cat PhoenixRegistered User regular
    I would assume if the guy was paying/providing the tickets, then it's a date. Did she offer to cover her ticket cost?

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  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Why on earth should she? It sounds like he said "I have this ticket, want to come?" and not "I have this ticket, want to buy it?"

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    ShivahngjaustinTurkey
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    wilting wrote: »
    The third time I met up with a girl I liked for a drink I referred to it as a "date" only to be told "she didn't want anything".

    I subsequently brought her to a concert and at the end of the night she called me "creepy".

    She is now my awesome girlfriend.

    Chin up, stop worrying, have fun and it'll happen.

    What? Not to derail, but I'm extremely interested in hearing THAT progression.

    If you don't mind getting into some detail, PM me. :P

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  • NappuccinoNappuccino Registered User regular
    Pretty much, ask her if she wants to it to be a date. It sounds like there is some interest on her end even if things didn't pan out the first time.

    As everyone else has said, you don't just accidentally end up in the "friend zone." I think most girls either go "yes, I would like to date you" or "no I wouldn't" and sometimes you can make your way from one to the other.

    In short, if you're in the "friend zone" now, you probably were going to be in it after a few dates anyway. Asking won't change that outcome, but at least you'll know one way or the other.

    (but, from what you described, you're not in the "friend zone" yet)

    (Also notice all the quotes around the term "friend zone")

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  • Giggles_FunsworthGiggles_Funsworth Blight on Discourse Bay Area SprawlRegistered User regular
    Stop worrying about it, if she seems into you at the game attempt to hold her hand. I have yet to offend someone doing this if even a smidgen of attention to body language is paid.

    gjaustin
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited October 2013
    What is certain is that you must either A.) clarify the "is this a date or isn't it" issue by talking to her directly BEFORE you leave for the game, or B.) wait until you are home from the game entirely.

    If you say something to her on the drive, especially on the way there, you are putting her in an unfair, almost captive position.

    My $0.02 on the whole clarifying thing is that you have waaaaaay too much emotional investment in whether or not she considers it a date. If she does, awesome. If not, well that's not as awesome, but it happens all the time. It is not humiliating in the least to express interest in someone and have them tell you it is not reciprocated. It is not an indictment on your character to think someone is fun and cool and possibly-dateable. There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about there, no matter how it turns out.

    naporeon on
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  • GizzyGizzy i am a cat PhoenixRegistered User regular
    ceres wrote: »
    Why on earth should she? It sounds like he said "I have this ticket, want to come?" and not "I have this ticket, want to buy it?"

    Maybe I've just encountered cheap people forever - but usually if I'm invited to something it's pretty clear up front "hey I have these tickets the cost is x, you interested?" - and I would consider that hanging out.

    If it was worded in such a way of "hey I got these tickets for us, you're still interested right" - I would assume its a date

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  • john392john392 Registered User regular
    Hey everyone. Thanks so much for the advice on this. I read every comment.

    But all things considered and hearing various outlets of advice and thoughts I think I am going to cancel on her.

    Not like meanly or anything, just say stuff happened and I can't go. I've been stressing too much and there is a whole lot of evidence that this isn't going to work out into seeing each other more than friends. I'd honestly just rather not get rejected, maybe that sounds bad but idk I just have a bad feeling if I that I'm going to be really disappointed if I take her as a date/romantic interest

    naporeon
  • wiltingwilting Registered User regular
    edited October 2013
    WAT.

    NO. STOP THINKING. YOU'VE TIED YOURSELF IN KNOTS FOR NO REASON.

    SEND GIRL MESSAGE NOW SAYING: "Still up for our hockey date? :)"

    NOW.

    If I was there I would just physically grab your phone/computer and do it myself.

    wilting on
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  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    Whoa whoa whoa.

    It is really not healthy to get so invested in every expression of interest in someone bearing fruit. I'd really give some honest thought into what would be so awful about her not being interested. I'm serious...what would be so terrible about her not reciprocating your romantic interest? It is not as bad as you think, and learning to accept romantic rejection is a totally necessary part of being an adult and having relationships.

    Most people aren't interested in you. It's a fact that everyone has to accept. But that still leaves literally thousands (possibly MILLIONS) of people in the world that would feel super lucky to have you. There is no magic spell or closely guarded secret that makes people interested in you, or reveals those that are; you -- just like everyone else on the planet -- must learn to put yourself out there a little and be open to some level of rejection.

    It's really not so bad. Honestly. Expressing healthy interest in someone and getting rejected is like jumping into cold water: you think it's going to be super terrible, but it really ends up being kind of a thrill, and you are proud of yourself afterward.

    RichyEsseeHollerCambiataDisco11
  • RichyRichy Registered User regular
    john392 wrote: »
    Hey everyone. Thanks so much for the advice on this. I read every comment.

    But all things considered and hearing various outlets of advice and thoughts I think I am going to cancel on her.

    Not like meanly or anything, just say stuff happened and I can't go. I've been stressing too much and there is a whole lot of evidence that this isn't going to work out into seeing each other more than friends. I'd honestly just rather not get rejected, maybe that sounds bad but idk I just have a bad feeling if I that I'm going to be really disappointed if I take her as a date/romantic interest
    No. Don't do that. Do what wilting said.

    sig.gif
    Cambiata
  • JasconiusJasconius sword criminal mad onlineRegistered User regular
    It doesn't sound like to me like there's interest

    If she cancels via text message, move on

  • gjaustingjaustin Registered User regular
    @john392 Nooooooooooooooo

    That's literally the worst thing you can do. I know this from experience.

    Cambiataspool32
  • GizzyGizzy i am a cat PhoenixRegistered User regular
    Canceling seems like a shitty thing to do to a date or a friend (unless it's for real emergency reasons)

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  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    We don't have the body of evidence you are talking about, so to us this seems like a major overreaction.

    And what you're saying is that you don't want her friendship, which is fine I guess, but short-sighted.

    If it's what it sounds like, and you don't have any real evidence that she doesn't want a relationship or even to be friends, and you're just canceling because you're so freaked out she MIGHT not want a date that you can't even bring yourself to confirm it before doing so... then maybe you should rethink if dating is something you should be doing right now.

    If you can't take her as a friend and you can't so much as talk to her about it, then you are probably right to cancel. I really hope you don't take that as anything other than "you have a serious problem for which I sincerely hope you seek help for your sake."

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    EsseeHollerCambiata
  • KiasKias Registered User regular
    And as a general comment on the fear of rejection: Long term, learning to be rejected is actually pretty empowering and helpful.

    Once you get rejected a couple times, it is a little less paralyzing each time. You get to see first hand that not only does life go on, but the rejection is not some critique of who you are, how you look, or whatever else fear may have you imagining. Very often, perfectly excellent people just don't work romantically. It's not a pass/fail situation.

    Even more importantly, you realize that next person you meet could be one bar, library, gaming table, waiting line, dinner, or email away and you would have never met them if the previous thing hadn't worked out. If you don't try though, you don't get anything.

    steam_sig.png

    gjaustinEsseeHollerCambiata
  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    I'm just really nervous about this now, a lot of friends (they are in college, maybe its mindset) say that I have pretty much set myself up for failure/humiliation since it has been so long since we "formally" went out last time, and she is just taking an opportunity to see a game she's never been to. Does this have any merit? Or am I in a good position for this to not happen?

    This is an old post I realize, but I would just like this opportunity to point out one of the few things I learned about dating in college: never listen to other people's dating advice. Close personal friends, yes, listen to them, everyone else? I'm telling you dude, they don't know anything, but often love to pretend they do.

  • MentalExerciseMentalExercise Indefenestrable Registered User regular
    Yeah.. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

    Cool attractive chicks often have... cool attractive friends! So even if she's not interested, having her as a friend widens your social circle in a way that very much improves your romantic prospects. Plus, apparently she's a cool chick. It's fun being friends with cool chicks.

    "More fish for Kunta!"

    --LeVar Burton
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