anyone been following Abby Howard's (from strip search) "The Last Holloween"? It's pretty awesome.
Hey @prospicience, we should hang out again dude! There was a cool "psychedelic bluegrass" band that played Urban Steam tonight. They were a lot of fun.
I tried everything. Earplugs with white noise blasting on my phone. Problem is that thumping and crashing sounds go through. Also my ears started to ache awfully after awhile. It's an okay temporary solution but not for longer than a week or two.
Are there no tenancy laws that work in your favor at all? Or have you considered subletting in the past, or reporting enough that it gets them kicked? It's almost impossible to kick out a tenant here, even with back pay issues, but you can at least reassign the lease or sublet. Still though it seems unethical to try and get someone else to rent out a place that has noise issues though, something we don't want to be faced with.
I find out Monday what property management plans to do to resolve this and what we'll do from there. I'm just annoyed at how it's being dragged out, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing with my spare time than dealing with this bullshit. I haven't even bothered to unpack half my shit cause it's like, what's the point. When it's all over though I'm going to appreciate it so hard.
I asked my Japanese friend if its normal for kids in Japan to go to bed at 11pm and he said no so I don't know what's real anymore.
I tried everything. Earplugs with white noise blasting on my phone. Problem is that thumping and crashing sounds go through. Also my ears started to ache awfully after awhile. It's an okay temporary solution but not for longer than a week or two.
Are there no tenancy laws that work in your favor at all? Or have you considered subletting in the past, or reporting enough that it gets them kicked? It's almost impossible to kick out a tenant here, even with back pay issues, but you can at least reassign the lease or sublet. Still though it seems unethical to try and get someone else to rent out a place that has noise issues though, something we don't want to be faced with.
I find out Monday what property management plans to do to resolve this and what we'll do from there. I'm just annoyed at how it's being dragged out, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing with my spare time than dealing with this bullshit. I haven't even bothered to unpack half my shit cause it's like, what's the point. When it's all over though I'm going to appreciate it so hard.
I asked my Japanese friend if its normal for kids in Japan to go to bed at 11pm and he said no so I don't know what's real anymore.
There are, I think, but it can be hard for me to get to that point. I think I feel guilty or something for making other peoples' lives harder (even if they've been dicks). Escalating stuff has not been my forte. This last year I waited for a long time before complaining. I don't think subletting is allowed for my apartment, but it sounds like the tenant is getting kicked out now so it should be fine. I also felt guilty about having the management deal with this asshat only for me to leave at the end of my lease, but...at the same time, the next person renting this apartment after me would've had the same issues, so it was probably for the best that they're having him look for a new place.
Also @earthwormadam I was there yesterday! But my Male Companion is sick today and I'm making him chicken soup and takin' care of him.
Also I'm starting to wonder if conventions are not entirely...."my thing". I think I went for a single day last year too, and I mean...that seems like enough for me. I don't have a super strong desire to go to PAX's in general, and going for three days seems excessive to me, but I'm not the type of person who would use "every resource PAX has!" and visit a bunch of panels, buy merch, check out all the new games, sign up for new games, play tabletop games, etc etc etc. It's fun to go (and I love the old arcade room! aaaaah!) and meet all my game dev buddies...but I don't know if I'd feel all that awful about not going. :P I might go tomorrow, but I'm not sure.
I think Comicon might be more up my alley, actually. I'd love to meet artists and buy prints of things, but I don't really buy game figurines or gaming shirts.
only got in an hour today, but I tried paying more attention to the shoulder/hip gestures and I think it was working better
I went to pax two years ago on a single day pass, and did a forum meetup as well, but it did feel bit hard to justify the expense and time(I drove). you are a little closer than me I think, rochester to boston is 6 hours.
I tried everything. Earplugs with white noise blasting on my phone. Problem is that thumping and crashing sounds go through. Also my ears started to ache awfully after awhile. It's an okay temporary solution but not for longer than a week or two.
For what it's worth, those plugs in particular are the only ones that really really block sound for me. I still wear em every night cause I'm a super light sleeper and my ears don't get sore.
As for conventions..I loved APE and TCAF 'cause they're just a room full of small press/self published comics artists. A nice low-key way to say hi to my idols, and not much more.
So today I had my daughters play the first session of 5 sessions they could play in a new tabletop series I'm designing called Power Outage.
They had a lot of fun and were able to play it well. There were times when they surprisingly thpught outside of the box in ways I didnt expect. Other times I had to hand the answer to them on a silver platter. So it was a typical d&d session. I threw in a lot of stuff that I'd not fully documented but overall it was a great success.
Thats really kind of bizarre. I feel bad for em really. You don't shut down overnight like that without some sort of internal drama/bombshell.
Wasn't there some sort of controversy over Drawcrowd including the despised "All of your work are belong to us and we can use it however we want" in their legal mumbo jumbo?
I'm suspecting that it'd probably be a good idea to seek some kind of medical treatment for depression/anxiety.
I wish I lived in a country where I could go just go to a doctor without being completely terrified that my bank account will get immediately obliterated as a result. Being currently unemployed doesn't help, either.
(If anyone has any insight here that might make me less paranoid, I'm all ears...)
You may be able to find someone who does subsidized work for people with low income/no insurance. There should be some kind of organization for this very thing, and I'm sure it varies from state to state.
Even some kind of mental health hotline where you have someone attentively listening to your problems and offering advice can be therapeutic.
You have health insurance right? Even if you are unemployed you are probably have COBRA or obamacare right?
Depends on your out of pocket. You can probably just go to a general practitioner for the anxiety and get proscribed something. I take xanax occasionally for anxiety/panic attacks. Usually 1/4th of a pill is enough to make myself not feel like my heart is going to crawl out of my chest.
For depression you would want to see a psychiatrist and that can be a bit of money and while its usually covered to some extent you might want to call your provider and ask how much. Also call the psychiatrist first because some charge you the whole amount and then YOU seek reimbursement from the health insurance. I know this because I probably need to go as well and have been doing a little bit of research.
@Kallisti: Well, I am paying for insurance (obamacare and all that) and I can't say I'm poor, currently (last job was well paying and I am pretty frugal), so those sorts of things probably wouldn't apply to me. But I've heard a lot of stories about how easy it is to end up poor trying to get medical care here, with or without insurance.
Example, a friend of mine fell off a bike, was knocked out, and wound up in the hospital for a few hours- walked out with a bill for $50000. After insurance, still left responsible for $40000, and had to spend months wrangling with the hospital (and individual doctors/services that bill separately for some reason) to get out of it considering at the time I don't think he was even making $40000 a year at his job.
Obviously non-emergency care would probably be less (that is, assuming there isn't anything else wrong with me...which since I haven't been to a doctor in 12 years, having some other non-obvious maladies is certainly a possibility), but still- hearing this sort of thing makes me hesitant to engage the US medical establishment in any way.
A counsellor/therapit is a private practice though so they're completely different from a medical visit. They're on a different pay system and will give you a quote before they start to charge anything. They may even be willing to give you a first free session to see if they're a good fit. Generally it won't be covered by insurance either, but I don't know all of what obamacare covers.
You go to a session and pay for it right after. They'll work with you too, if once a week is too costly than you can space it out to twice a month. The problem I find is that because they're generally not covered by insurance, they can be pretty spendy, so it then becomes a matter of finding someone who's willing to work within your budget.
Emergency care is in a whole different ballpark when it comes to costs
Going to see a doctor about anxiety or a psychiatrist/therapist about depression will not be near that expensive. You said you were payed well and lived frugally - you can afford it.
Thats really kind of bizarre. I feel bad for em really. You don't shut down overnight like that without some sort of internal drama/bombshell.
Wasn't there some sort of controversy over Drawcrowd including the despised "All of your work are belong to us and we can use it however we want" in their legal mumbo jumbo?
Almost every site that hosts art goes through this, where they need to legally claim that they are allowed to post your work on the internet so they can run the site, but it looks and sound like they are going to try and amass an art factory and steal a bunch of art when you don't read legal jargon. DA had fought this battle over and over again, just breaking down their TOS into little bits so people leave them alone about it.
@Angel_of_Bacon they cant charge you for seeking out information. Don't be afraid to just talk to people and see how much it will cost.
If your buddy had to have an ambulance come get him, that's like $10k alone.
Also "obamacare" isn't a type of insurance. It is just a term. Everyone is supposed to be on some sort of health care/insurance, and if you didn't sign up for one by March, you will have $300 coming out of your tax refund next year.
I am not signed up for any yet, because I don't want another monthly bill to pay. I already still owe the hospital $30k+ for my surgery in 2012.
I've never had an emergency medical event in my life thank gourd, but I've wondered a number of times if I would be capable of driving myself to the hospital....solely to avoid the ambulance cost...which is ridiculous that this is a thing I've seriously wondered/considered. Gunshot wound? Appendicitis? Accidentally cut myself really badly while preparing dinner? All my limbs spontaneously fall off?? Nahh guys it's cool, I've got this. *promptly drives into ditch*
...snip...
Meanwhile m3nace found it very intriguing, to say the least, to try to make an effort to sound more like Stephen Fry. However he soon found it to be a most distressing task due to his idol's mind-bogglingly sesquipedalian and verbose way of handling language. Indeed it would soon prove too much for him to handle and so he resorted to wrtn lik dis on de interwebz cuz iz juzt eazyer lol rflmao wtf bbq
every time I think about moving to the US the healthcare system scares me away instantly
For me it's always been the whole taxing worldwide income for the rest of your life thing. I mean, taxes in Canada aren't great but at least I know that if I leave Canada and take all of my holdings with me that the Canadian government will not force me to continue to file taxes with them every year for as long as I live.
I thought it was like...for an additional 5 years ("only") after you leave the US they continue to tax you? Freaking insane. I only just learned about that last month.
I thought it was like...for an additional 5 years ("only") after you leave the US they continue to tax you? Freaking insane. I only just learned about that last month.
Yeah pretty sure I was bitching about this a few weeks back. It also costs $350 to have filling done at h&r block and you can't do it on your own and they generally find a way so that I don't have to pay extra and I have to report my savings and investments. The whole thing is a joke, it's very tempting to defect, I should really get my citizenship.
$10k is insane, I had an emergency trip here one time and it was $500.
Ranting forever about how I don't even know which way is up anymore:
I'm wondering if art is something I don't really care about that much, or if I'm just depressed and am unawares. Or if I really care, and I just care way too much, and that's making it not enjoyable for me anymore.
It shouldn't be this much of a pain or a struggle to create art. Every subject I've thought of recently has just been "meh" or boring to me. "That's been done before". "Way to be unoriginal". "This isn't exciting". "This won't get you a job".
I just....part of me just doesn't care anymore. I just don't want to care about it anymore. I don't want to struggle, exhausted, to do work that I'm going to hate for the sole purpose of saving myself if I ever get laid off and/or want a better job.
I used to think that I wanted to get into the film industry...but hearing how shitty they treat artists makes me wonder if I should even bother. Am I jaded before I've even tried?
I'm not the type of person that's going to spend every spare moment making art. Some people are like that and they're incredible as a result. I just don't know if I care about art, specifically, that much...which is surprising and scary to me because I always wanted to be that type of person, or felt like I was "secretly" that kind of person, but I was being held back for any number of reasons. I used to feel like my career was how I defined myself and now I just feel bored to death at work, at home, I just don't care anymore. It's all so fucking dull.
I'll have brief moments of excitement and then it all fades to the same-old same-old. People expect a lot from me because I expect a lot from myself, and I feel like it's possible for me to be Really Great at this if I put the effort in - I feel like I have what I need, save for that base of motivation. And I have so many more interests than just professional digital art.
Sometimes I'd rather sleep. Or read. Or exercise. Or hang out with people. Or relax. Or cook something fun. Maybe I want to be crafty one day instead. Maybe I want to write a song. Maybe I want to make a necklace or earrings. Maybe I want to sew something or carve something or fuck around with art materials and make some huge abstract art-thing on a canvas for my apartment just because I can.
And I feel like I can't do any of those things, ever, because I'm chained, chained, to making art for a portfolio. Which I perpetually never seem to accomplish. Because the pressure is so great that nothing is ever good enough. I have felt artistically stunted the past few years because the work I do professionally right now is easy for me, and the work I do at home is non-existent or painfully slow. I feel like I can't make any progress unless I put my nose to the grindstone and I feel like if I put my nose to the grindstone I won't have any fun making art.
I want to just drop every responsibility I have and just run away for a year or two and travel and not pay a single bill and not have a single care in the world. I want to explore, I want to have fun. Feeling like I'm stuck at a dead end feels crushing and depressing and endlessly frustrating and I'm not sure how to pull myself out. If I want to move to concepts or marketing art, I need to do the work to prove I have the chops. I need to do all of that in my spare time, of which I have little. I accomplish so little every month that I feel like I'll never have a good enough portfolio to land that job that I want, and the cycle will just repeat endlessly.
I want to be a fucking stellar famous respected artist in the entertainment industry but I can't put the work in to become that. It's making me feel like every fiber of my being An Artist that I've identified with has been a lie. Maybe I'm just an incredibly lazy, unmotivated hack. Maybe I'm one of those people I see who doesn't get it that they'll "never make it".
I mean, I want to continue to make art but I just can't bring myself to care about making it at all these last few months. I've been hyper-depressed before so I can't tell if I'm in some state of general malaise or semi-depression because anything less than "actively wishing I was dead" feels like it's not enough for me to consider it "depression". Am I just going through a phase? Is this "real"? I can't tell. I have no idea.
All I know is that I want to not give a shit, eat a bowl of fucking mashed potatoes or pasta, pet a dog forever, and hike in the woods and not have work for the next year. Goddamn it.
I just...I just don't know you guys
Any insights (PM's are fine too so we don't further muddy up the chat thread)? I could post this on H/A but I feel you guys get the "artist brain" more than those guys. I really can't tell what's going on with me and I just wish I could fix it and stop caring so much that I block myself into a corner. :C
I was starting to write a whole post which I might PM you with sometime... but know that you really aren't alone in pretty much any of that. I've been trying to will myself to go to a psychologist because on some level I do think its some sort of depression. I don't know. I feel so uninterested in doing art sometimes. And then other times I feel excited... but I just don't do it. It doesn't help that seeing so much amazing art on the internet makes me think EVERY ARTIST DOES ART ALL THE TIME AND FEELS NOTHING BUT JOY AND HAPPINESS AND IS INCREDIBLE SMART AND UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL while I just kinda flounder about playing video games and feeling bad about myself. I know intellectually thats not true, and many many artists have similar problems... but it doesn't help my hind brain deal with it at all.
I wish we still had the bro button because I would be mashing that so hard.
Just know that I'm art-sadness bro fisting the monitor in your honor.
It helps to know I'm not alone in this...and yeah, that's also a good point I hadn't considered - that constantly being overwhelmed by other artists' great art (without seeing their struggles) is probably a contributing factor, too. Kinda like how there are studies that show Facebook makes people less happy, since you're always seeing everybody elses' happiest moments only, and not their hardships.
I've considered trying anti-anxiety meds during various times in the past handful of years or so, but never really did it...maybe I should finally look into that seriously? I think I've been developing generalized anxiety to the point where I randomly feel out of breath and anxious for no reason...it's not even related to strictly art anymore, as it once was. I don't usually have intense moments of feeling "super panicked about how I've failed as an artist" anymore, but I think it's now just turned into a general...."yeah whatever" feeling with random bouts of "why am I out of breath sitting at my computer or standing in line for a sandwich". I've wondered if getting some help for that would also help me relax about my art. I think that tying every piece I do to my identity as an artist is...likely not the healthiest thing to do? Probably? Probably. :P
Raising my glass of BroFist™ Wine in a toast to us all getting better and not being ArtProblem Bro's (but just regular ArtBro's).
PREFACE:
I'm 30,000 feet in the air coming home from PAX where I had many a great conversation about the state of my mental health with some very loving and caring people. And those conversations are partly the reason I want to share this stuff with you and the rest of the AC. I'm posting this publicly on the off chance that it may help someone else.
For those not in the know, my fiance broke up with me roughly a month after we were engaged. For the past 4 months, I've been suffering under a serious case of depression, the likes of which I've never had to deal with. It destroyed my productivity, and completely wrecked my self-confidence as an artist AND as a person. There was a period of 2 months where NO PRODUCTIVE WORK was done, save the projects that people actually NEEDED me to complete.
DISCLAIMER:
Of course, I am no doctor, and there may be other issues you may need to resolve with yourself and your perspective. This is only advice. If you can, I highly recommend talking to a professional about this kind of thing. I first started talking to the therapist after my fiance walked out. After realizing what a HUGE help he was, I branched off and began seeking help from him about more professional matters.
~~~~~
...People expect a lot from me because I expect a lot from myself, and I feel like it's possible for me to be Really Great at this if I put the effort in
One of the most IMPORTANT lessons I learned from my therapist, was when I was mentioning all the things I expected from myself: I expected to be stronger, I expected to be "healed" by now, I expected that doing my laundry was a simple task.
And he told me that "NO ONE can tell YOU that laundry is easy."
We as people set up expectations up of ourselves, and they almost always lead to disappointment when we're unable to accomplish what was once thought of as an easy task. Now of course, the lesson isn't to abolish all your expectations, that's impossible. Instead, it is to reset them. You're incredibly talented, and no one here can deny you that, but when EVERYTHING is difficult, that means it's time to sit back and recalibrate your level of expectation for that day. So here's how I've been tackling that task:
~~~~~
I have my MAJOR GOAL. The big thing I'm trying to achieve. But that's not what I expect from myself on a daily basis
I can subdivide that into a handful of SMALLER GOALS that will likely lead to the completion of the MAJOR GOAL. But I don't expect those from myself on a daily basis either.
What's been working for me is focusing on a small set of REALISTICALLY ACHIEVABLE GOALS within one working day. I write them down after I eat breakfast, and before I start anything. Here's a sample of some things on that list, to give you an idea of how simple these things can be:
• Eat
• Leave the apartment
• Walk the dog
• Shower
• Sketch something unnecessary for an hour.
• Finish xxxxxx commission
• Get to xxxxx point in this animation
• write 300-500-1000+ words
• go to bed before 1AM
• Do laundry
• e-mail xxxxxx
etc, etc.... The level of difficulty is equal to what I honestly feel like is attainable for me within a day. Some days I feel I'm able to do a dozen different "productive" tasks, and some days I feel like I can only eat/take care of the dog/sleep.
The second MAJOR part of this "system" is that if it gets to the point that there is something on the list that I know I cannot accomplish that day, it gets immediately removed. No questions asked. I am forever in a state of recalibrating my expectations of myself as I go through the day, so that I'm not guilting myself for on the days I am definitely not OK
Because in all honesty... that was killing me. I felt like I didn't deserve to have any eyes at all on my work because I wasn't living up to the expectations I set up for myself. I felt like I was human trash for wasting this opportunity (strip search) that so many other artists that are more talented than I am would be making a killing at. I was unecessarily punishing myself, kicking myself when I was down. And that only fed my depression even more.
~~~~~~
That covers the expectation side of things... As for taking time off and going to do whatever it is you actually enjoy, THAT is something that I fully endorse. Even if you come back to the digital art gig, I feel like those experiences will refresh not only your perspective on life, but your perspective on your work as well. It doesn't even have to be some huge extravagant sabbatical. It can be as simple as spending a day somewhere nearby that you've never been.
Bring a sketchbook
Draw/write when you're inspired to.
Eat good food.
Talk to strangers.
I'm taking a lot of trips of varying degrees and weaving it in between times that I need to work, and so far it's been incredibly therapeutic. Because, now I have this whole host of new experiences to draw inspiration from. I may be spending more than I should, but so far it's been worth every penny.
~~~~~~
Lastly... I would think that you should know by now that having original ideas is incredibly difficult! Don't beat yourself up for that. Don't expect that from yourself. Take an idea that someone else has done, be it as simple as a color palette or as complex as a concept, and twist it to suit your means. It might not be able to be a portfolio piece, but it gets the art out... and you're likely to learn something from it as well. Be inspired, steal in a good way, and don't be so harsh on yourself.
• Recalibrate your expectations.
• Even little steps are still steps.
• Take time away.
• It's ok to not be ok.
That's all I have for now... If you want to talk or even just vent, I think I have you on google+, so please please please IM me. I really hope this helps. Even just a little bit.
It does! Thank you for sharing all of that. The list activity (that is totally fluid and changeable without guilt) sounds like a great idea. I am great at lists but not great at allowing them to be fluid. If I start with that in mind, that might be a really nice thing for me to do. Everything else you mentioned is good for me to think about and remind myself.
I'm going to try to sleep now and look at all this fresh tomorrow. I'm the worst with this stuff at night, that's when I tend to succumb to feeling the most sad/self-loathing. Oddly also the time I feel most like creating art! :P go figure.
Whenever I have found myself stuck in a portfolio or career mindset, I usually just take time to make something that is entirely for myself. Or if I hate myself too much to think that I deserve anything, then maybe I'll make something for a family member or a friend because I know that they'll probably get a kick out of it.
On the weekend I'll just sit there, put on some easily ignored music and draw something weird and/or funny and/or lewd.
If it's good I might consider plunking it into the portfolio, but that's certainly not the primary goal.
This explains why Kochikens has shown up in my work such an appalling amount.
Art's a weird thing. It's a big knot of work, play, self-worth and a hundred other little strings that everyone has to attempt to untangle and everyone's knot is a little different. I'm sure that there are some people out there who say that they just cut through theirs but I know that I certainly don't own a sword.
This is something I've been trying to work on. Its ok to not be working on some unique opus that I can retire on and be happy with forever. I find myself thinking that its somehow a waste to not be working on something IMPORTANT(tm) except when I focus on that, I often don't do anything at all.
Its ok to draw stupid fanart for a game that I like because its stupid and I like it
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Hey @prospicience, we should hang out again dude! There was a cool "psychedelic bluegrass" band that played Urban Steam tonight. They were a lot of fun.
Are there no tenancy laws that work in your favor at all? Or have you considered subletting in the past, or reporting enough that it gets them kicked? It's almost impossible to kick out a tenant here, even with back pay issues, but you can at least reassign the lease or sublet. Still though it seems unethical to try and get someone else to rent out a place that has noise issues though, something we don't want to be faced with.
I find out Monday what property management plans to do to resolve this and what we'll do from there. I'm just annoyed at how it's being dragged out, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing with my spare time than dealing with this bullshit. I haven't even bothered to unpack half my shit cause it's like, what's the point. When it's all over though I'm going to appreciate it so hard.
I asked my Japanese friend if its normal for kids in Japan to go to bed at 11pm and he said no so I don't know what's real anymore.
INSTAGRAM
There are, I think, but it can be hard for me to get to that point. I think I feel guilty or something for making other peoples' lives harder (even if they've been dicks). Escalating stuff has not been my forte. This last year I waited for a long time before complaining. I don't think subletting is allowed for my apartment, but it sounds like the tenant is getting kicked out now so it should be fine. I also felt guilty about having the management deal with this asshat only for me to leave at the end of my lease, but...at the same time, the next person renting this apartment after me would've had the same issues, so it was probably for the best that they're having him look for a new place.
Also @earthwormadam I was there yesterday! But my Male Companion is sick today and I'm making him chicken soup and takin' care of him.
Also I'm starting to wonder if conventions are not entirely...."my thing". I think I went for a single day last year too, and I mean...that seems like enough for me. I don't have a super strong desire to go to PAX's in general, and going for three days seems excessive to me, but I'm not the type of person who would use "every resource PAX has!" and visit a bunch of panels, buy merch, check out all the new games, sign up for new games, play tabletop games, etc etc etc. It's fun to go (and I love the old arcade room! aaaaah!) and meet all my game dev buddies...but I don't know if I'd feel all that awful about not going. :P I might go tomorrow, but I'm not sure.
I think Comicon might be more up my alley, actually. I'd love to meet artists and buy prints of things, but I don't really buy game figurines or gaming shirts.
I went to pax two years ago on a single day pass, and did a forum meetup as well, but it did feel bit hard to justify the expense and time(I drove). you are a little closer than me I think, rochester to boston is 6 hours.
For what it's worth, those plugs in particular are the only ones that really really block sound for me. I still wear em every night cause I'm a super light sleeper and my ears don't get sore.
As for conventions..I loved APE and TCAF 'cause they're just a room full of small press/self published comics artists. A nice low-key way to say hi to my idols, and not much more.
They had a lot of fun and were able to play it well. There were times when they surprisingly thpught outside of the box in ways I didnt expect. Other times I had to hand the answer to them on a silver platter. So it was a typical d&d session. I threw in a lot of stuff that I'd not fully documented but overall it was a great success.
So I guess those users can try and dig into CA.org, or migrate over to DrawCrowd. I'd be really interested to know what brought it down so quickly.
Wasn't there some sort of controversy over Drawcrowd including the despised "All of your work are belong to us and we can use it however we want" in their legal mumbo jumbo?
also this is super sad
I was following so many awesome artists there and I can't remember all the artists I followed
....so who wants to create a new CGhub site with me? Eh?? Eh??
I wish I lived in a country where I could go just go to a doctor without being completely terrified that my bank account will get immediately obliterated as a result. Being currently unemployed doesn't help, either.
(If anyone has any insight here that might make me less paranoid, I'm all ears...)
Twitter
if you live here in oz i could tell where to go, but hopefully someone on here has experience with your system.
Even some kind of mental health hotline where you have someone attentively listening to your problems and offering advice can be therapeutic.
Depends on your out of pocket. You can probably just go to a general practitioner for the anxiety and get proscribed something. I take xanax occasionally for anxiety/panic attacks. Usually 1/4th of a pill is enough to make myself not feel like my heart is going to crawl out of my chest.
For depression you would want to see a psychiatrist and that can be a bit of money and while its usually covered to some extent you might want to call your provider and ask how much. Also call the psychiatrist first because some charge you the whole amount and then YOU seek reimbursement from the health insurance. I know this because I probably need to go as well and have been doing a little bit of research.
Example, a friend of mine fell off a bike, was knocked out, and wound up in the hospital for a few hours- walked out with a bill for $50000. After insurance, still left responsible for $40000, and had to spend months wrangling with the hospital (and individual doctors/services that bill separately for some reason) to get out of it considering at the time I don't think he was even making $40000 a year at his job.
Obviously non-emergency care would probably be less (that is, assuming there isn't anything else wrong with me...which since I haven't been to a doctor in 12 years, having some other non-obvious maladies is certainly a possibility), but still- hearing this sort of thing makes me hesitant to engage the US medical establishment in any way.
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A counsellor/therapit is a private practice though so they're completely different from a medical visit. They're on a different pay system and will give you a quote before they start to charge anything. They may even be willing to give you a first free session to see if they're a good fit. Generally it won't be covered by insurance either, but I don't know all of what obamacare covers.
You go to a session and pay for it right after. They'll work with you too, if once a week is too costly than you can space it out to twice a month. The problem I find is that because they're generally not covered by insurance, they can be pretty spendy, so it then becomes a matter of finding someone who's willing to work within your budget.
Going to see a doctor about anxiety or a psychiatrist/therapist about depression will not be near that expensive. You said you were payed well and lived frugally - you can afford it.
Almost every site that hosts art goes through this, where they need to legally claim that they are allowed to post your work on the internet so they can run the site, but it looks and sound like they are going to try and amass an art factory and steal a bunch of art when you don't read legal jargon. DA had fought this battle over and over again, just breaking down their TOS into little bits so people leave them alone about it.
@Angel_of_Bacon they cant charge you for seeking out information. Don't be afraid to just talk to people and see how much it will cost.
Also this
Also "obamacare" isn't a type of insurance. It is just a term. Everyone is supposed to be on some sort of health care/insurance, and if you didn't sign up for one by March, you will have $300 coming out of your tax refund next year.
I am not signed up for any yet, because I don't want another monthly bill to pay. I already still owe the hospital $30k+ for my surgery in 2012.
AMERICA
AMERICA
For me it's always been the whole taxing worldwide income for the rest of your life thing. I mean, taxes in Canada aren't great but at least I know that if I leave Canada and take all of my holdings with me that the Canadian government will not force me to continue to file taxes with them every year for as long as I live.
It's silly as hell. Besides, living in Europe I can go to cool places. So far I've booked:
Italy
Iceland
Bavaria
Going to book:
Croatia
Maybe Ireland??
Switzerland
London
trying to do 10 countries in 1 year!!
I am full of jealous.
Yeah pretty sure I was bitching about this a few weeks back. It also costs $350 to have filling done at h&r block and you can't do it on your own and they generally find a way so that I don't have to pay extra and I have to report my savings and investments. The whole thing is a joke, it's very tempting to defect, I should really get my citizenship.
$10k is insane, I had an emergency trip here one time and it was $500.
It shouldn't be this much of a pain or a struggle to create art. Every subject I've thought of recently has just been "meh" or boring to me. "That's been done before". "Way to be unoriginal". "This isn't exciting". "This won't get you a job".
I just....part of me just doesn't care anymore. I just don't want to care about it anymore. I don't want to struggle, exhausted, to do work that I'm going to hate for the sole purpose of saving myself if I ever get laid off and/or want a better job.
I used to think that I wanted to get into the film industry...but hearing how shitty they treat artists makes me wonder if I should even bother. Am I jaded before I've even tried?
I'm not the type of person that's going to spend every spare moment making art. Some people are like that and they're incredible as a result. I just don't know if I care about art, specifically, that much...which is surprising and scary to me because I always wanted to be that type of person, or felt like I was "secretly" that kind of person, but I was being held back for any number of reasons. I used to feel like my career was how I defined myself and now I just feel bored to death at work, at home, I just don't care anymore. It's all so fucking dull.
I'll have brief moments of excitement and then it all fades to the same-old same-old. People expect a lot from me because I expect a lot from myself, and I feel like it's possible for me to be Really Great at this if I put the effort in - I feel like I have what I need, save for that base of motivation. And I have so many more interests than just professional digital art.
Sometimes I'd rather sleep. Or read. Or exercise. Or hang out with people. Or relax. Or cook something fun. Maybe I want to be crafty one day instead. Maybe I want to write a song. Maybe I want to make a necklace or earrings. Maybe I want to sew something or carve something or fuck around with art materials and make some huge abstract art-thing on a canvas for my apartment just because I can.
And I feel like I can't do any of those things, ever, because I'm chained, chained, to making art for a portfolio. Which I perpetually never seem to accomplish. Because the pressure is so great that nothing is ever good enough. I have felt artistically stunted the past few years because the work I do professionally right now is easy for me, and the work I do at home is non-existent or painfully slow. I feel like I can't make any progress unless I put my nose to the grindstone and I feel like if I put my nose to the grindstone I won't have any fun making art.
I want to just drop every responsibility I have and just run away for a year or two and travel and not pay a single bill and not have a single care in the world. I want to explore, I want to have fun. Feeling like I'm stuck at a dead end feels crushing and depressing and endlessly frustrating and I'm not sure how to pull myself out. If I want to move to concepts or marketing art, I need to do the work to prove I have the chops. I need to do all of that in my spare time, of which I have little. I accomplish so little every month that I feel like I'll never have a good enough portfolio to land that job that I want, and the cycle will just repeat endlessly.
I want to be a fucking stellar famous respected artist in the entertainment industry but I can't put the work in to become that. It's making me feel like every fiber of my being An Artist that I've identified with has been a lie. Maybe I'm just an incredibly lazy, unmotivated hack. Maybe I'm one of those people I see who doesn't get it that they'll "never make it".
I mean, I want to continue to make art but I just can't bring myself to care about making it at all these last few months. I've been hyper-depressed before so I can't tell if I'm in some state of general malaise or semi-depression because anything less than "actively wishing I was dead" feels like it's not enough for me to consider it "depression". Am I just going through a phase? Is this "real"? I can't tell. I have no idea.
All I know is that I want to not give a shit, eat a bowl of fucking mashed potatoes or pasta, pet a dog forever, and hike in the woods and not have work for the next year. Goddamn it.
I just...I just don't know you guys
Any insights (PM's are fine too so we don't further muddy up the chat thread)? I could post this on H/A but I feel you guys get the "artist brain" more than those guys. I really can't tell what's going on with me and I just wish I could fix it and stop caring so much that I block myself into a corner. :C
I was starting to write a whole post which I might PM you with sometime... but know that you really aren't alone in pretty much any of that. I've been trying to will myself to go to a psychologist because on some level I do think its some sort of depression. I don't know. I feel so uninterested in doing art sometimes. And then other times I feel excited... but I just don't do it. It doesn't help that seeing so much amazing art on the internet makes me think EVERY ARTIST DOES ART ALL THE TIME AND FEELS NOTHING BUT JOY AND HAPPINESS AND IS INCREDIBLE SMART AND UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL while I just kinda flounder about playing video games and feeling bad about myself. I know intellectually thats not true, and many many artists have similar problems... but it doesn't help my hind brain deal with it at all.
I wish we still had the bro button because I would be mashing that so hard.
Just know that I'm art-sadness bro fisting the monitor in your honor.
But for realz, thank you! :C *bro-fist*
It helps to know I'm not alone in this...and yeah, that's also a good point I hadn't considered - that constantly being overwhelmed by other artists' great art (without seeing their struggles) is probably a contributing factor, too. Kinda like how there are studies that show Facebook makes people less happy, since you're always seeing everybody elses' happiest moments only, and not their hardships.
I've considered trying anti-anxiety meds during various times in the past handful of years or so, but never really did it...maybe I should finally look into that seriously? I think I've been developing generalized anxiety to the point where I randomly feel out of breath and anxious for no reason...it's not even related to strictly art anymore, as it once was. I don't usually have intense moments of feeling "super panicked about how I've failed as an artist" anymore, but I think it's now just turned into a general...."yeah whatever" feeling with random bouts of "why am I out of breath sitting at my computer or standing in line for a sandwich". I've wondered if getting some help for that would also help me relax about my art. I think that tying every piece I do to my identity as an artist is...likely not the healthiest thing to do? Probably? Probably. :P
Raising my glass of BroFist™ Wine in a toast to us all getting better and not being ArtProblem Bro's (but just regular ArtBro's).
Its a sad state of society that seen as somehow shameful to seek professional help about mental health.
PREFACE:
I'm 30,000 feet in the air coming home from PAX where I had many a great conversation about the state of my mental health with some very loving and caring people. And those conversations are partly the reason I want to share this stuff with you and the rest of the AC. I'm posting this publicly on the off chance that it may help someone else.
For those not in the know, my fiance broke up with me roughly a month after we were engaged. For the past 4 months, I've been suffering under a serious case of depression, the likes of which I've never had to deal with. It destroyed my productivity, and completely wrecked my self-confidence as an artist AND as a person. There was a period of 2 months where NO PRODUCTIVE WORK was done, save the projects that people actually NEEDED me to complete.
DISCLAIMER:
Of course, I am no doctor, and there may be other issues you may need to resolve with yourself and your perspective. This is only advice. If you can, I highly recommend talking to a professional about this kind of thing. I first started talking to the therapist after my fiance walked out. After realizing what a HUGE help he was, I branched off and began seeking help from him about more professional matters.
One of the most IMPORTANT lessons I learned from my therapist, was when I was mentioning all the things I expected from myself: I expected to be stronger, I expected to be "healed" by now, I expected that doing my laundry was a simple task.
And he told me that "NO ONE can tell YOU that laundry is easy."
We as people set up expectations up of ourselves, and they almost always lead to disappointment when we're unable to accomplish what was once thought of as an easy task. Now of course, the lesson isn't to abolish all your expectations, that's impossible. Instead, it is to reset them. You're incredibly talented, and no one here can deny you that, but when EVERYTHING is difficult, that means it's time to sit back and recalibrate your level of expectation for that day. So here's how I've been tackling that task:
~~~~~
I have my MAJOR GOAL. The big thing I'm trying to achieve. But that's not what I expect from myself on a daily basis
I can subdivide that into a handful of SMALLER GOALS that will likely lead to the completion of the MAJOR GOAL. But I don't expect those from myself on a daily basis either.
What's been working for me is focusing on a small set of REALISTICALLY ACHIEVABLE GOALS within one working day. I write them down after I eat breakfast, and before I start anything. Here's a sample of some things on that list, to give you an idea of how simple these things can be:
• Eat
• Leave the apartment
• Walk the dog
• Shower
• Sketch something unnecessary for an hour.
• Finish xxxxxx commission
• Get to xxxxx point in this animation
• write 300-500-1000+ words
• go to bed before 1AM
• Do laundry
• e-mail xxxxxx
etc, etc.... The level of difficulty is equal to what I honestly feel like is attainable for me within a day. Some days I feel I'm able to do a dozen different "productive" tasks, and some days I feel like I can only eat/take care of the dog/sleep.
The second MAJOR part of this "system" is that if it gets to the point that there is something on the list that I know I cannot accomplish that day, it gets immediately removed. No questions asked. I am forever in a state of recalibrating my expectations of myself as I go through the day, so that I'm not guilting myself for on the days I am definitely not OK
Because in all honesty... that was killing me. I felt like I didn't deserve to have any eyes at all on my work because I wasn't living up to the expectations I set up for myself. I felt like I was human trash for wasting this opportunity (strip search) that so many other artists that are more talented than I am would be making a killing at. I was unecessarily punishing myself, kicking myself when I was down. And that only fed my depression even more.
~~~~~~
That covers the expectation side of things... As for taking time off and going to do whatever it is you actually enjoy, THAT is something that I fully endorse. Even if you come back to the digital art gig, I feel like those experiences will refresh not only your perspective on life, but your perspective on your work as well. It doesn't even have to be some huge extravagant sabbatical. It can be as simple as spending a day somewhere nearby that you've never been.
Bring a sketchbook
Draw/write when you're inspired to.
Eat good food.
Talk to strangers.
I'm taking a lot of trips of varying degrees and weaving it in between times that I need to work, and so far it's been incredibly therapeutic. Because, now I have this whole host of new experiences to draw inspiration from. I may be spending more than I should, but so far it's been worth every penny.
~~~~~~
Lastly... I would think that you should know by now that having original ideas is incredibly difficult! Don't beat yourself up for that. Don't expect that from yourself. Take an idea that someone else has done, be it as simple as a color palette or as complex as a concept, and twist it to suit your means. It might not be able to be a portfolio piece, but it gets the art out... and you're likely to learn something from it as well. Be inspired, steal in a good way, and don't be so harsh on yourself.
• Recalibrate your expectations.
• Even little steps are still steps.
• Take time away.
• It's ok to not be ok.
That's all I have for now... If you want to talk or even just vent, I think I have you on google+, so please please please IM me. I really hope this helps. Even just a little bit.
I'm going to try to sleep now and look at all this fresh tomorrow. I'm the worst with this stuff at night, that's when I tend to succumb to feeling the most sad/self-loathing. Oddly also the time I feel most like creating art! :P go figure.
On the weekend I'll just sit there, put on some easily ignored music and draw something weird and/or funny and/or lewd.
If it's good I might consider plunking it into the portfolio, but that's certainly not the primary goal.
This explains why Kochikens has shown up in my work such an appalling amount.
Art's a weird thing. It's a big knot of work, play, self-worth and a hundred other little strings that everyone has to attempt to untangle and everyone's knot is a little different. I'm sure that there are some people out there who say that they just cut through theirs but I know that I certainly don't own a sword.
This is something I've been trying to work on. Its ok to not be working on some unique opus that I can retire on and be happy with forever. I find myself thinking that its somehow a waste to not be working on something IMPORTANT(tm) except when I focus on that, I often don't do anything at all.
Its ok to draw stupid fanart for a game that I like because its stupid and I like it