Aw, son of a [Cards Against Humanity] (On break for a while, but reserves welcome)

Man in the Mists

Dear Abby, I'm having trouble with remembering to post answers and would like some advice.

Dear Abby, I'm having trouble with fucking up "Silent Night" in front of 300 parents and would like some advice. (Buddha73)
Dear Abby, I'm having trouble with goblins and would like some advice. (Discrider)
Dear Abby, I'm having trouble with coat hanger abortions and would like some advice. (Extreaminatus) (*)
Dear Abby, I'm having trouble with sperm whales and would like some advice. (Dr. Flamingo)
Dear Abby, I'm having trouble with an asymmetric boob job and would like some advice. (NotoriusBEN)
Dear Abby, I'm having trouble with getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying and would like some advice. (Initiatefailure)

@Koreg, what was Abby unable to fob off on some poor sucker?

Koreg

I'm quite partial to Coat hanger abortions!

Cog

That last one is the tl;dr of every Dear Abby ever. I would have voted for it because it's so meta.

EDIT: I mean, the more I ponder it, the more I giggle. FINE play, whoever.

initiatefailure

The world will never understand my genius @Cog

Cog

:bro:

Man in the Mists

Abby's first piece of advice to Extreaminatus? Don't use plastic coat hangers. They're just too inefficient.

Round 23: Extreaminatus is judging

But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you _______.

Please pm your answers while Extreaminatus shows 007 their improved baby-popping technique.

Cog

Man in the Mists wrote: »

But before i kill you, Mr. Bone, I must show you _______.

Damn that autocorrect, amirite?

I actually kinda like it that way, though.

Man in the Mists

Whoops, fixed.

Man in the Mists

@NotoriusBEN, @Koreg and @Discrider have been dispatched to track down the Bond girl.

Man in the Mists

Surprisingly hard to type with a cat standing on your lap.

But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you my humps. (NotoriusBEN)
But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you ominous background music. (Buddha73)
But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you a shiny rock that proves I love you. (Discrider) (*)
But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you these low, low prices! (Initiatefailure)
But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you the taint, the grundle, the fleshy fun-bridge. (Koreg)
But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you a slightly shittier parallel universe. (Dr. Flamingo)

@Extreaminatus, why was Bond thinking less about escape and more about suicide?

Extreaminatus

"But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you a shiny rock that proves I love you."

"If you love me, why are you killing me?!"

"Why, Mr. Bond, I'm just immortalizing the moment.

Man in the Mists

How fiendishly clever, the Bond Girl was actually the infamous black widow, Discrider.

Round 24: Discrider is judging

________. This is how I want to die.

Please PM your answers while Discrider orders the disposal of 007's smiling corpse.

Man in the Mists

@Extreaminatus and @Initiatefailure are trying to hide from the reaper. How adorable.

Man in the Mists

Peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in panic like his passengers.

A reason not to commit suicide. This is how I want to die. (Initiatefailure)
Raping and pillaging. This is how I want to die. (Koreg) (*)
Being on fire. This is how I want to die. (NotoriusBEN)
Not wearing pants. This is how I want to die. (Extreaminatus)
Mutually-assured destruction. This is how I want to die. (Dr. Flamingo)
Vigorous jazz hands. This is how I want to die. (Buddha73)

@Discrider, how did Death promise to take you out next time?

Iongantas

Hey sign me up for some future game.

discrider

Raping and pillaging sounds like a pleasant way to die.

Man in the Mists

Sounds to me like Koreg knows they're going to forget Maxim 1: Pillage then burn.

Round 25: Koreg is judging

I drink to forget _______.

Please PM your answers while Koreg tries to drown out the time they accidentally pillaged their own hometown.

Koreg

I hate when I get too drunk and rape/pillage my own village. Boy is my face red in the morning!

Man in the Mists

Uh oh, @Buddha73 and @Extreaminatus just broke out the tequila.

NotoriusBEN

funny you mention tequila....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AweUt50dBUU

Man in the Mists

Don't worry, that pounding in your head is just the memory being beaten into submission.

I drink to forget exactly what you'd expect. (Extreaminatus)
I drink to forget gay aliens. (Buddha73)
I drink to forget the diminishing purity of the white race. (Dr. Flamingo) (*)
I drink to forget getting abducted by Peter Pan. (Discrider)
I drink to forget my soul. (NotoriusBEN)
I drink to forget filling every orifice with butterscotch pudding. (Initiatefailure)

@Koreg, what spurred this meeting with the pink elephants?

Koreg

I drink to forget the diminishing purity of the white race every night.

Man in the Mists

Dr. Flamingo hasn't even noticed that they're drinking less whiskey and more sake.

Round 26: Dr. Flamingo is judging

You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on _______, and then there's some stuff about _______, and then it ends with _______.

Please PM your answers while Dr. Flamingo reads the script they wrote while shitfaced.

Dr. Flamingo

Yooooooooo I think there's been a mix-up.

discrider

I willtake any free points he wants to give me :P

Man in the Mists

*facepalm* Sorry about that, Dr. Flamingo. I'll fix it.

Man in the Mists

@Buddha73, @Koreg and @NotoriusBEN are holding up the concession stand lines with their indecision.

NotoriusBEN

Choosing the right snack is an art form. So shut it and wait your turn

Man in the Mists

Fortunately for some people, I did not have time to process answers this morning.

You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on a disappointing salad, and then there's some stuff about the folly of man, and then it ends with having been dead for a while. (Buddha73)
You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on being awesome at sex, and then there's some stuff about repression, and then it ends with Wil Wheaton crashing an actual spaceship. (Koreg)
You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on Rudolph's bright red balls, and then there's some stuff about smegma, and then it ends with the swim team, all at once. (Extreaminatus)
You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on graphic violence, adult language and some sexual content, and then there's some stuff about sexy Siamese twins, and then it ends with taking down Santa with a surface-to-air missile. (NotoriusBEN)
You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on the white Half of Barack Obama, and then there's some stuff about an honest cop with nothing left to lose, and then it ends with police brutality. (Initiatefailure)
You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on edible underpants, and then there's some stuff about a balanced breakfast, and then it ends with letting everyone down. (Discrider) (*)

@Dr. Flamingo, who will get their director credits on this blank black card?

NotoriusBEN

wow, two christmas specials.

Dr. Flamingo

Edible underpants for sure

Man in the Mists

It was heartbreaking to see Discrider fail to come up with a marketable edible coconut bra.

@Discrider, what plot do you have in mind for the next round?

discrider

After the break up, my ex tried to take _______ with them, but I managed to get them to settle for only _______.

Man in the Mists

@NotoriusBEN is bargaining hard with their ex.

Man in the Mists

The cat was taken, but the cat liked me more...

After the break up, my ex tried to take sexyTRV with them, but I managed to get them to settle for only winning the approval of Cooking Mama that you never got from actual mama. (NotoriusBEN)
After the break up, my ex tried to take my machete with them, but I managed to get them to settle for only an uppercut. (Extreaminatus) (*)
After the break up, my ex tried to take pooping as quietly as possible with them, but I managed to get them to settle for only autocannibalism. (Koreg)
After the break up, my ex tried to take former President George W. Bush with them, but I managed to get them to settle for only a man in yoga pants with a ponytail and feather earrings. (Initiatefailure)
After the break up, my ex tried to take nude-modding Super Mario World with them, but I managed to get them to settle for only assless chaps. (Buddha73)
After the break up, my ex tried to take Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa with them, but I managed to get them to settle for only pulling out. (Dr. Flamingo)

@Discrider, who got to keep the stuff they actually cared about?

discrider

I like that uppercut play.
I don't know why they thought they needed my machete in the first place...

Man in the Mists

I think it's because Extreaminatus is a sucker for the ol' gut-to-gullet slice.

Round 28: Extreaminatus is judging

Like _______, State Farm is there.

Please PM your answers while Extreaminatus tries to make sure the ex didn't run off with the hockey mask.

Man in the Mists

Apparently @Koreg is busy hitting on Flo.

Man in the Mists

Good luck finding a policy that covers a case of the Monday blues.

Like a bitch slap, State Farm is there. (Initiatefailure)
Like a woman scorned, State Farm is there. (Discrider)
Like cock, State Farm is there. (Buddha73)
Like the homosexual lifestyle, State Farm is there. (Koreg)
Like the decade of legal inquests following a single hour of Grand Theft Auto, State Farm is there. (Dr. Flamingo)
Like the Devil himself, State Farm is there. (NotoriusBEN) (*)

@Extreaminatus, what should State Farm use if they're concerned about truth in advertising?

Fleur de Alys

Those are all excellent plays.

Some of them are made even better by the typo "in" for "is".