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Girlfriend wants a girlfriend
JPArbiter
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I am having a little bit of confusion here. My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. We have always been contemporary, not worried about checking other people out or flirtations with other people. This was based on a mutual belief that this sort of thing was healthy for a relationship, reminds each other that what we have together is so good.
Recently though, it seems as though Mrs. Arbiter has been checking out ladies more often then me. She always admitted to having a boob fetish, owing to her 32B bra size. It seems though I here her mewing “nice rack†at just about every decently busty woman we walk by in the mall.
Then she hits me over the head with a proverbial sledge-hammer.
“We should try to find a girlfriend, you know, to play withâ€
So this is like the ultimate fantasy for men. We all want our girls to dig other girls and actively pursue them. And the funny thing is emotionally I can handle stuff like this, because I have been in multi person relationships in the past. So jealousy is not even a real issue here. And if this turns out to be some grand experiment for her that does not work out, well then fine.
THE PROBLEM:
How the hell do we start down this road? I mentioned in the past I have been involved in multi party relationships. However I was “picked up†by a couple. We have no earthly idea how on earth we should pursue a third party, except that we need to be honest with them up front.
Recently though, it seems as though Mrs. Arbiter has been checking out ladies more often then me. She always admitted to having a boob fetish, owing to her 32B bra size. It seems though I here her mewing “nice rack†at just about every decently busty woman we walk by in the mall.
Then she hits me over the head with a proverbial sledge-hammer.
“We should try to find a girlfriend, you know, to play withâ€
So this is like the ultimate fantasy for men. We all want our girls to dig other girls and actively pursue them. And the funny thing is emotionally I can handle stuff like this, because I have been in multi person relationships in the past. So jealousy is not even a real issue here. And if this turns out to be some grand experiment for her that does not work out, well then fine.
THE PROBLEM:
How the hell do we start down this road? I mentioned in the past I have been involved in multi party relationships. However I was “picked up†by a couple. We have no earthly idea how on earth we should pursue a third party, except that we need to be honest with them up front.
Sinning since 1983
JPArbiter on
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Do you or your girlfriend have any female friends that may be receptive to the idea? Barring that, you might check out some sites like adult friend finder or some such. There are also, depending on your location, "social" nightclubs you can visit to meet potentials.
Edit: grammar
Home Inspection and Wind Mitigation
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Also: Look on the internet. I'm sure you'll find more than enough ladies looking for flings with couples. Public first meeting though.
I have heard some bad things about the AFF. Namely there are no women on there, just people looking to pimp thier porn websites, and creepy old men. and yes I am pretty much letting Mrs Arbiter take the lead on this, with me playing yoda. Thanks for the nightclub option. Where in the phonebook would I look under???
I mean, boobs are great, but there's a person attached there too. If she just wants the boobs, that's an entirely different sort of relationship with another woman than developing an attachment to the person (who also has big boobs). Discussing this will also help both of you feel out what your role in such a relationship would be. You don't have big boobs, so figuring out where your place is would probably be pretty important, and help both of you know what kind of woman you need to search for.
we feel that a person mildy older could handle the strain of such a relationship better.
she also told me she has played with girls before, mostly stupid college dorm stuff, and she enjoys it, though it is more of a kink then a preference ( I like girls for friends, and I like girls for play to quote her)
There's always swinger bars/parties to investigate as well. Theoretically you should have more luck there as there will be LOADS more people with mutual interests.
Craigslist is a crap shoot. I'd avoid it entirely, personally.
If you don't have a friend that would work, I'd recommend the bars. If you can, find a place that has a reputation for being bi/lesbian friendly, but isn't a full on "dyke bar". I've heard quite unfavourable things about looking for a third at those establishments. Even a regular or slightly alternative bar would be a better choice.
Let her make eye contact and if it's returned, she's free to pursue. From what I've seen and heard, it's expected that women chasing women are going to be a lot more aggressive than men chasing women. I have no idea why, but it certainly seems to be the case. Also make sure everything is clear to everyone before heading back to your place. Don't be shocked if your gf gets a few "sure, but ditch the guy" offers.
If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to message me. Yes, that includes you.
Quoted for truth. Don't do any of the searching yourself as she probably has an idea of what she wants. Don't even bring it up as she may get the idea YOU want the girlfriend.
Tried this with an ex and sadly I fucked up and she was eventually turned off by the idea of the girlfriend. Ugh!
So basically, just keep quiet and nod your head if you really want that threesome.
So, no luck.
In regards to the nightclubs, I would Google it before checking the phone book. I would imagine, if the entries were there, that they'd just exist under "nightclub" or "entertainment", but honestly I haven't looked at a phone book in years so I'm not sure exactly.
Just be aware that single hot bi fems are called "unicorns" for a reason.
I'm not saying hire a hooker or pick up a one-night, but think seriously about how much you want to see this person after you've done what you want to do.
I host a podcast about movies.
Why would he possibly need to prepare for that?
Hopefully you can find a few friends who share the same sort of fantasy. Good friends work out well, as long as everybody is like-minded and aware its just playtime. Finding your girl a make-out friend can be pretty fun too, and I would say the easist to handle in terms of jealousy (hers and yours).
There is some merit to limiting this fantasy to just one other person. First in term of sexual safety, and second to place some boundaries on just how open your open relationship is. This particular wet dream can turn into a nightmare fairly quickly, so be sure to keep things light and friendly with clear and honest communication.
Good luck and enjoy the show!
STDS!!!
I have been in situations (and gotten lucky) where hormones, and booze have gotten in the way of being safe. Please keep that in mind, condoms, dental damns, hell...aluminum foil :P
Unless you are absolutely sure this girl is as clean as a virgin, she might not be.
Aside from that, I have had two multi-partner experiences. One was by pure luck of knowing two girls who wanted to do it, and pairing them up...with me of course.
The other time I was on spring break, this was where I had no idea about these girl's sexual history. It was me, one other guy and 4 girls. Yeah, I was lucky, but even more lucky when my penis didn't fall off.
AFF works for a good deal, especially couples, you have to be smart. Craigslist...not so much in my experience. I had a GF once who was really open with sex, so she would basically say to girls she knew and was attracted to..."Would you want to have a 3-way?" Tough I know. The only other tip I can think of, is myspace. I have a female friend who has gotten in on a 3-some just by putting that she is bisexual in her interests or whatever it is called on there. Apparently she got offers from numerous girls on there.
Be open to going to swingers parties. Probably the biggest problem here are going to be women who are attached whose boyfriends assume that they're invited too. Swingers parties are easily found on lifestylelounge and Craigslist.
If you want to take a vacation, you could always take a little trip to Jamaica to one of the Hedonism resorts.
Secondly, letting her pick the girl is a good idea. I also suggest the following groundrule: agree that all direct face-to-face time with the third party happens with you both together. That can do a lot for reducing issues of jealousy and for preventing attachment to the third party. You can set a time limit on this (say, three months) or not.
Edit: de-linked a very NSFW url.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Dont get me wrong the hotness of it is UNparalled but I think when the girl starts to request it... the bond between the both of you may be on the down slope. Then again this is my personal opinion, BUT with that being said even if it is the downslope, its not like NOT doing it with another gal will save the relationship I guess ride it out, and be safe.
I married couple I know (I've even been to their wedding) started dating a girl together, and all hell broke lose. they're not a couple anymore.
Fool around, preferrably with some girl that's NOT a friend of yours, but don't let it turn into a relationship.
3-people relationships just can't last.
Pretty much word for word what I was going to say.
In my case, my friends didn't break up, but their marriage has been very rocky ever since this stuff started (it didn't help that the "girlfriend" fell in love with my buddy, and was less his wife's "girlfriend" and more his "girlfriend".) She was up for fucking both of them, but his wife wasn't cool with him messing around with her when she was away, which of course happened all the time, since she ended up living with them.
Just a messy situation all around. 3-way relationships are the road to a massive fucking disaster, and if you try even just a casual thing, make sure the rules are VERY clear, and fucking follow them.
My lady, in her past, would once in awhile delve into the pleasures of the same sex. So be it. She runs the straight line now with me. Woo.
Her best friend (who I don't like to begin with) and her shitty douche of a dealing boyfriend got the thought "oh, we should bring another girl in to play." They ask my girl.
Maaaan..I don't know if this is some kinda breach of procedure or what, but my mind was blown.
I mean...it's not like they were getting all kinked to the point that they wanted me to come along (I wouldn't have anyway) but daaaaamn...no.
She turned down the invite with a "what the fuck? no."
Just...brazen I guess.
so 1) Let Mrs Arbiter do the hunting with me as a spotter
2) as painfull as it is, actually check out some personals sites (hell I met my lady through match.com and we are engaged)
3) Look into local swing scene (how the hell I will do that is still beyond me)
4) Establish rules and make sure this new lady gets checked clean, and provide documentation of our health to her at her request.
I suppose you could look in your area on something like OKcupid.com, I hear a lot of "open" types frequent it.
I'm not sure about other websites, but the one me & my wife use, the one I mentioned earlier, lists parties and local clubs. Just do a google search on "lifestyle club" or "swinger club" and your city name. Do you live in Seattle? I can recommend one or two.
And the doom and gloom stories are only one half of the total picture. Swinging improved my marriage, for example. The CW in the swing community is that good relationships are strengthened by swinging, and poor relationships are exacerbated. My take is that swinging will only enhance what you already have, good or bad.
I say #1, hands down. The swinger scene can be a shock as it's mainly couples hooking up with couples.
Let your girlfriend look for the girl, do not get involved with the process unless she asks. She may find the girl through her network of friends or meet somebody while getting her hair done for example.
As for making sure she is clean... did you have your girlfriend tested and provide proof before you had sex with her? Probably not so this could be off putting. Just use a condom.
I mean, I'm all for being safe and all that, but....a first date? You knew you were getting some, didn't you?
I haven't had a first date in awhile, I had no idea and would have shown up ill prepared.
Or Haiti... I seriously recommend against it but if you're set on going bare back at the get go then go for it!
So we will consider rule 4 flexible then for the sake of me not being poked fun of anymore.
I think the mind is tripping on the first date part of the papers. Was it a discussion that you two had in advance of that?
"Want to meet for coffee?"
"Sure, do you have your papers?"
"Yep."
"Me too. I like chai."