If anyone visits Atlanta, please let me know so I can bring you to the Flying Biscuit for the best biscuits and gravy I've ever had. They use chicken sausage so you don't even feel like going into a coma after!
I usually have cereal with coffee, or just coffee if I've been too lazy to buy cereal. Lately I've been eating oatmeal a lot just because a couple boxes of instant oatmeal will last me a month.
...Limited storage space and a desire to avoid shopping are responsible for a number of my dietary decisions.
I usually have, like, a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit or yoghurt. Maybe a bagel if I'm running late because I keep a bag of them in the fridge at work. And always a cup or two of tea (coffee if I'm feeling like absolute death, although I'm never happy about it). On very very rare occasions, and if I'm up early enough to have that big an appetite in the morning, I'll go whole-hog on a "classic" breakfast--bacon, eggs, pancakes/french toast, and cheesy hashbrowns. But that's a lot of food for any meal.
I'm sure I could make it myself, but how legit would it be to make it in America?
like seriously easy
make sure you get "british style" beans
Go to the butcher and get some beef bangers or maybe come black pudding
white mushrooms, tomatoes, eggs, toast, thick cut bacon (get the kind that includes the loin if you can)
I'm sure I could make it myself, but how legit would it be to make it in America?
like seriously easy
make sure you get "british style" beans
Go to the butcher and get some beef bangers or maybe come black pudding
white mushrooms, tomatoes, eggs, toast, thick cut bacon (get the kind that includes the loin if you can)
I was being facetious about making a 'Full English' in the USA, but yes, I will try that.
(I understand how the confusion with the use of 'legit' would be though)
Yeah I mean I've heard the complaints about the 'typical Whole Foods customer' but I've been there a bunch of times and I've never seen or heard anyone that sounds remotely like the complaints. Maybe I'm just lucky.
I mean I'm sure there are people who think they're superior to everyone and they have to have specific x brand of non gmo sustainably grown homeopathic bespoke peanut butter... but at least they don't say it out loud.
Whole Foods is like Vegas. You go there to feel good but you leave broke, disoriented, and with the newfound knowledge that you have a vaginal disease.
Unlike Vegas, Whole Foods' clientele are all about mindfulness and compassion... until they get to the parking lot. Then it's war. As I pull up this morning, I see a pregnant lady on the crosswalk holding a baby and groceries. This driver swerves around her and honks. As he speeds off I catch his bumper sticker, which says 'NAMASTE'. Poor lady didn't even hear him approaching because he was driving a Prius. He crept up on her like a panther.
As the great, sliding glass doors part I am immediately smacked in the face by a wall of cool, moist air that smells of strawberries and orchids. I leave behind the concrete jungle and enter a cornucopia of organic bliss; the land of hemp milk and honey. Seriously, think about Heaven and then think about Whole Foods; they're basically the same.
The first thing I see is the great wall of kombucha -- 42 different kinds of rotten tea. Fun fact: the word kombucha is Japanese for 'I gizzed in your tea.' Anyone who's ever swallowed the glob of mucus at the end of the bottle knows exactly what I'm talking about. I believe this thing is called "The Mother," which makes it that much creepier.
Next I see the gluten-free section filled with crackers and bread made from various wheat-substitutes such as cardboard and sawdust. I skip this aisle because I'm not rich enough to have dietary restrictions. Ever notice that you don't meet poor people with special diet needs? A gluten intolerant house cleaner? A cab driver with Candida? Candida is what I call a rich, white person problem. You know you've really made it in this world when you get Candida. My personal theory is that Candida is something you get from too much hot yoga. All I'm saying is if I were a yeast, I would want to live in your yoga pants.
Next I approach the beauty aisle. There is a scary looking machine there that you put your face inside of and it tells you exactly how ugly you are. They calculate your wrinkles, sun spots, the size of your pores, etc. and compare it to other women your age. I think of myself attractive but as it turns out, I am 78 percent ugly, meaning less pretty than 78 percent of women in the world. On the popular 1-10 hotness scale used by males the world over, that makes me a 3 (if you round up, which I hope you will.) A glance at the extremely close-up picture they took of my face, in which I somehow have a glorious, blond porn mustache, tells me that 3 is about right. Especially because the left side of my face is apparently 20 percent more aged than the right. Fantastic. After contemplating ending it all here and now, I decide instead to buy their product. One bottle of delicious smelling, silky feeling creme that is maybe going to raise me from a 3 to a 4 for only $108 which is a pretty good deal when you think about it.
I grab a handful of peanut butter pretzels on my way out of this stupid aisle. I don't feel bad about pilfering these bites because of the umpteen times that I've overpaid at the salad bar and been tricked into buying $108 beauty creams. The pretzels are very fattening but I'm already in the seventieth percentile of ugly so who cares.
Next I come to the vitamin aisle which is a danger zone for any broke hypochondriac. Warning: Whole Foods keeps their best people in this section. Although you think she's a homeless person at first, that vitamin clerk is an ex-pharmaceuticals sales rep. Today she talks me into buying estrogen for my mystery mustache and Women's Acidophilus because apparently I DO have Candida after all.
I move on to the next aisle and ask the nearest Whole Foods clerk for help. He's wearing a visor inside and as if that weren't douchey enough, it has one word on it in all caps. Yup, NAMASTE. I ask him where I can find whole wheat bread. He chuckles at me "Oh, we keep the poison in aisle 7." Based solely on the attitudes of people sporting namaste paraphernalia today, I'd think it was Sanskrit for "go fuck yourself."
I pass the table where the guy invites me to join a group cleanse he's leading. For $179.99 I can not-eat not-alone... not-gonna-happen. They're doing the cleanse where you consume nothing but lemon juice, cayenne pepper and fiber pills for 10 days, what's that one called again? Oh, yeah...anorexia. I went on a cleanse once; it was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I detoxified, I purified, I lost weight. On the other hand, I fell asleep on the highway, fantasized about eating a pigeon, and crapped my pants. I think I'll stick with the whole eating thing.
I grab a couple of loaves of poison, and head to checkout. The fact that I'm at Whole Foods on a Sunday finally sinks in when I join the end of the line...halfway down the dog food aisle. I suddenly realize that I'm dying to get out of this store. Maybe it's the lonely feeling of being a carnivore in a sea of vegans, or the newfound knowledge that some people's dogs eat better than I do, but mostly I think it's the fact that Yanni has been playing literally this entire time. Like sensory deprivation, listening to Yanni seems harmless at first, enjoyable even. But two hours in, you'll chew your own ear off to make it stop.
A thousand minutes later, I get to the cashier. She is 95 percent beautiful. "Have you brought your reusable bags?" Fuck. No, they are at home with their 2 dozen once-used friends. She rings up my meat, alcohol, gluten and a wrapper from the chocolate bar I ate in line, with thinly veiled alarm. She scans my ladies acidophilus, gives me a pitying frown and whispers, "Ya know, if you wanna get rid of your Candida, you should stop feeding it." She rings me up for $313. I resist the urge to unwrap and swallow whole another $6 truffle in protest. Barely. Instead, I reach for my wallet, flash her a quiet smile and say, "Namaste."
Whole Foods is like Vegas. You go there to feel good but you leave broke, disoriented, and with the newfound knowledge that you have a vaginal disease.
Unlike Vegas, Whole Foods' clientele are all about mindfulness and compassion... until they get to the parking lot. Then it's war. As I pull up this morning, I see a pregnant lady on the crosswalk holding a baby and groceries. This driver swerves around her and honks. As he speeds off I catch his bumper sticker, which says 'NAMASTE'. Poor lady didn't even hear him approaching because he was driving a Prius. He crept up on her like a panther.
As the great, sliding glass doors part I am immediately smacked in the face by a wall of cool, moist air that smells of strawberries and orchids. I leave behind the concrete jungle and enter a cornucopia of organic bliss; the land of hemp milk and honey. Seriously, think about Heaven and then think about Whole Foods; they're basically the same.
The first thing I see is the great wall of kombucha -- 42 different kinds of rotten tea. Fun fact: the word kombucha is Japanese for 'I gizzed in your tea.' Anyone who's ever swallowed the glob of mucus at the end of the bottle knows exactly what I'm talking about. I believe this thing is called "The Mother," which makes it that much creepier.
Next I see the gluten-free section filled with crackers and bread made from various wheat-substitutes such as cardboard and sawdust. I skip this aisle because I'm not rich enough to have dietary restrictions. Ever notice that you don't meet poor people with special diet needs? A gluten intolerant house cleaner? A cab driver with Candida? Candida is what I call a rich, white person problem. You know you've really made it in this world when you get Candida. My personal theory is that Candida is something you get from too much hot yoga. All I'm saying is if I were a yeast, I would want to live in your yoga pants.
Next I approach the beauty aisle. There is a scary looking machine there that you put your face inside of and it tells you exactly how ugly you are. They calculate your wrinkles, sun spots, the size of your pores, etc. and compare it to other women your age. I think of myself attractive but as it turns out, I am 78 percent ugly, meaning less pretty than 78 percent of women in the world. On the popular 1-10 hotness scale used by males the world over, that makes me a 3 (if you round up, which I hope you will.) A glance at the extremely close-up picture they took of my face, in which I somehow have a glorious, blond porn mustache, tells me that 3 is about right. Especially because the left side of my face is apparently 20 percent more aged than the right. Fantastic. After contemplating ending it all here and now, I decide instead to buy their product. One bottle of delicious smelling, silky feeling creme that is maybe going to raise me from a 3 to a 4 for only $108 which is a pretty good deal when you think about it.
I grab a handful of peanut butter pretzels on my way out of this stupid aisle. I don't feel bad about pilfering these bites because of the umpteen times that I've overpaid at the salad bar and been tricked into buying $108 beauty creams. The pretzels are very fattening but I'm already in the seventieth percentile of ugly so who cares.
Next I come to the vitamin aisle which is a danger zone for any broke hypochondriac. Warning: Whole Foods keeps their best people in this section. Although you think she's a homeless person at first, that vitamin clerk is an ex-pharmaceuticals sales rep. Today she talks me into buying estrogen for my mystery mustache and Women's Acidophilus because apparently I DO have Candida after all.
I move on to the next aisle and ask the nearest Whole Foods clerk for help. He's wearing a visor inside and as if that weren't douchey enough, it has one word on it in all caps. Yup, NAMASTE. I ask him where I can find whole wheat bread. He chuckles at me "Oh, we keep the poison in aisle 7." Based solely on the attitudes of people sporting namaste paraphernalia today, I'd think it was Sanskrit for "go fuck yourself."
I pass the table where the guy invites me to join a group cleanse he's leading. For $179.99 I can not-eat not-alone... not-gonna-happen. They're doing the cleanse where you consume nothing but lemon juice, cayenne pepper and fiber pills for 10 days, what's that one called again? Oh, yeah...anorexia. I went on a cleanse once; it was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I detoxified, I purified, I lost weight. On the other hand, I fell asleep on the highway, fantasized about eating a pigeon, and crapped my pants. I think I'll stick with the whole eating thing.
I grab a couple of loaves of poison, and head to checkout. The fact that I'm at Whole Foods on a Sunday finally sinks in when I join the end of the line...halfway down the dog food aisle. I suddenly realize that I'm dying to get out of this store. Maybe it's the lonely feeling of being a carnivore in a sea of vegans, or the newfound knowledge that some people's dogs eat better than I do, but mostly I think it's the fact that Yanni has been playing literally this entire time. Like sensory deprivation, listening to Yanni seems harmless at first, enjoyable even. But two hours in, you'll chew your own ear off to make it stop.
A thousand minutes later, I get to the cashier. She is 95 percent beautiful. "Have you brought your reusable bags?" Fuck. No, they are at home with their 2 dozen once-used friends. She rings up my meat, alcohol, gluten and a wrapper from the chocolate bar I ate in line, with thinly veiled alarm. She scans my ladies acidophilus, gives me a pitying frown and whispers, "Ya know, if you wanna get rid of your Candida, you should stop feeding it." She rings me up for $313. I resist the urge to unwrap and swallow whole another $6 truffle in protest. Barely. Instead, I reach for my wallet, flash her a quiet smile and say, "Namaste."
Shit.
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Raijin QuickfootI'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPAregular
I wish we had a Trader Joe's here... Or at least in St Cloud!
I have Cub or Super One.
Well Target and Walmart but I don't go to Walmart if I can help it and I don't usually buy groceries at Target.
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StraightziHere we may reign secure, and in my choice,To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered Userregular
Yeah I mean I've heard the complaints about the 'typical Whole Foods customer' but I've been there a bunch of times and I've never seen or heard anyone that sounds remotely like the complaints. Maybe I'm just lucky.
I mean I'm sure there are people who think they're superior to everyone and they have to have specific x brand of non gmo sustainably grown homeopathic bespoke peanut butter... but at least they don't say it out loud.
Yeah, but people like that exist everywhere. Or at least something similar.
I dunno, my roommate does cake decorating for them, and from what I hear, it's pretty much the same as every place else. It's definitely pricier for some things (meats are particularly bad), but it's really just a grocery store.
+1
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Raijin QuickfootI'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPAregular
I'm kind of sad now. My wife just posted pictures from my son's preschool graduation and my other son's field trip to the airport that I missed because I had to work.
I'm kind of sad now. My wife just posted pictures from my son's preschool graduation and my other son's field trip to the airport that I missed because I had to work.
Just remember that you are providing for them, and even if you can't be there, that is just as important.
and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
but they're listening to every word I say
Posts
...Limited storage space and a desire to avoid shopping are responsible for a number of my dietary decisions.
With a full fry up!
Kinda planning on keeping it that way.
If I don't have much time I end up eating a bagel or meal bar or something similarly not good for me.
like seriously easy
make sure you get "british style" beans
Go to the butcher and get some beef bangers or maybe come black pudding
white mushrooms, tomatoes, eggs, toast, thick cut bacon (get the kind that includes the loin if you can)
Need some stuff designed or printed? I can help with that.
Need some stuff designed or printed? I can help with that.
I was being facetious about making a 'Full English' in the USA, but yes, I will try that.
(I understand how the confusion with the use of 'legit' would be though)
Black and White pudding is soo goood. They make as part of the Irish Breakfast at an Irish pub here. It is so damn good.
And it comes with Heinz beans, heavy toast, eggs, bangers, grilled tomatoes, and rashers of bacon.
but they're listening to every word I say
Maybe Whole Foods, but ugh Whole Foods.
if they don't have it, they'll know where to get it.
Need some stuff designed or printed? I can help with that.
They're not bad with a bit of butter and a spoon of brown sugar.
If I was a fancy millionaire I'd shop there. There and Byerly's. But I'm a filthy poor, so I just go to Trader Joes and Cub. Edit: and target.
but they're listening to every word I say
Put some cheese in there, yo.
The clientele who shop there.
You know what you need to do now. Brinner.
They're pretty much the same as any grocery store clientele, at the end of the day.
I mean I'm sure there are people who think they're superior to everyone and they have to have specific x brand of non gmo sustainably grown homeopathic bespoke peanut butter... but at least they don't say it out loud.
Oh my...
Need some stuff designed or printed? I can help with that.
Shit.
I have Cub or Super One.
Well Target and Walmart but I don't go to Walmart if I can help it and I don't usually buy groceries at Target.
Yeah, but people like that exist everywhere. Or at least something similar.
I dunno, my roommate does cake decorating for them, and from what I hear, it's pretty much the same as every place else. It's definitely pricier for some things (meats are particularly bad), but it's really just a grocery store.
My storage pods are about 95% packed
I just booked my flights to visit my brother and then my Mom
And then Fedex just dropped off my work permit
Just doofy smile and happy tears right now, y'all
Just remember that you are providing for them, and even if you can't be there, that is just as important.
but they're listening to every word I say