Regardless of his reasons, it sounds like you are not happy with the state of things. You asked if you have a "right" to feel hurt by the way he's treating you. Of course you do-- you feel the way you feel.
If a relationship is causing you emotional pain and is making you unhappy, that's all the reason you need to get out of it. You don't have to justify it.
Regardless of his reasons, it sounds like you are not happy with the state of things. You asked if you have a "right" to feel hurt by the way he's treating you. Of course you do-- you feel the way you feel.
If a relationship is causing you emotional pain and is making you unhappy, that's all the reason you need to get out of it. You don't have to justify it.
i said that because everyone told me they would be distrustful and upset too, that my feelings are completely valid, but when i act like it and speak up about it, he gets upset that im distrustful and ignores me for ages.
im an anxious person and of course reasons matter. im not going to dump someone over nothing. basically because of meeting i get paranoid about everything else.
Two years in an LDR without meeting seems like a really long time. It especially sticks out when meetings have been financially possible, but the other party just never actually shows up.
Whether or not that person even has good reasons is sort of irrelevant. Ultimately, you have your own emotional health and well being to consider first and foremost.
If that other person can't work with you on what you physically and emotionally need in the relationship, regardless of why, then you should look for someone who can, in my opinion.
Finding middle ground and working with the other person is super important in a relationship, but everyone has pretty hard cutoffs too. Never seeing the person you love because they won't ever see you seems like a pretty damn hard cut off imo.
like i said, it's not that he wouldn't show up, he'd just always have a reason why it can't happen to begin with. i think that*anyone* can get at least one day off to see someone they love.
those times when we managed to talk about it and i asked if we wanted same things, he'd say he does. so how did it come to this from being asked to meet up repeateadly at first, i dunno. i think he doesn't love me anymore.
also, he's a forumer, so he's prolly going to read all of this, but it doesn't matter.
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
Sorry to say it, but it sounds like he's stringing you along. If his response to you trying to have a reasonable conversation about it is to ignore you or to talk about how hurt that makes him, then I'd say it's time to consider ending things.
You in a LDR for that long and confess love to a person and manage to foul up meeting somebody for two years when meeting them is within your power? Shit. I'd have thrown homeboy in the garbage
Anyone can find time for someone they care about. There are legitimate reasons for not being able to (money, other obligations) and things like distance make it harder, for sure, but if it was important they would be trying to find a way. Repeatedly cancelling is a warning sign, but there are a lot of factors involved so it is something that has to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.
In any situation, if it is something that is not working out for you and it looks like it won't work out, moving on is a perfectly valid move.
After a certain point, it doesn't matter what reasons there are for these things. It just isn't working and needs to end because of how the whole thing makes you feel.
If you make it clear what needs to happen for a relationship to work and the other person ignores that, it's time to go.
After a few missed opportunities to meet up with a LDR of mine, it was over. And turned out that wasn't the only thing they were being misleading on.
im trying to explain situation as objectively as i can, instead of portraying myself as perfect. i get anxious and paranoid a lot, but most of it is coming from not knowing where im standing. silly example, his fb status being"single" gives me anxiety, etc. then he gets hurt/upset cus im distrustful.
i thought(still do, even though he's ignoring me now)that he was a great guy. maybe i've been completely wrong all this time.
Yeah that's another huge warning sign. It sounds as though he is gaslighting you.
But at any rate, he seems to want a relationship only according to his terms, without regard to you and your needs. You don't have to put up with something like that. You can find someone out there, who is interested in being with you physically and emotionally, and who doesn't respond to your feelings with accusations.
im trying to explain situation as objectively as i can, instead of portraying myself as perfect. i get anxious and paranoid a lot, but most of it is coming from not knowing where im standing. silly example, his fb status being"single" gives me anxiety, etc. then he gets hurt/upset cus im distrustful.
i thought(still do, even though he's ignoring me now)that he was a great guy. maybe i've been completely wrong all this time.
if his facebook says he's single then he pretty clearly doesn't consider you to be his girlfriend
kick this douchenozzle to the curb
i want everyone to know that i was looking at my avatar while typing that and almost said to kick him to the kirb
Facebook statuses by themselves don't necessarily mean anything but this an awful lot of sticks on one camel's back.
Yeah, I actually specifically leave my Facebook status undefined because I don't really think it's the business of everyone I know on Facebook, plus Facebook itself, to know who/if I'm dating. But I also make that clear with my partner and communicate as much as possible in other ways. So...yeah. All things told, not great signs.
@grrmusha I'm sure he likes you in some way...after all, it's been two years. But it doesn't seem like he cares enough. Being with someone who's not as invested in the relationship as you are hurts - I know that. You don't have to deal with that.
The Facebook thing is odd too. Is he ashamed to admit he's dating someone from the internet or what?
No relationship is perfect, but there are core qualities a healthy relationship needs, like communication and trust - both of which your relationship is lacking. I feel like these qualities are especially important for couples who are long distance. You need a strong relationship to survive the distance. And you need to meet eventually, which isn't on his list of priorities for whatever reason.
You might not believe it right now, but you can find someone better than him. You can be with someone who actually loves you and isn't afraid to show it.
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Indie Winterdie KräheRudi Hurzlmeier (German, b. 1952)Registered Userregular
so
there's a girl I have feelings for, who is dating another person
said other person is currently living in russia, but has come to visit her
and since I'm one of her friends, she wants me and a bunch of other people to come meet them
and
I have never told her I have feelings for her, I would never ever do anything to disrupt their relationship and I fully support them continuing to date
but hanging out with her, while fun, is always torturous to me as well because it's almost everything I want and I can't do anything about it
and seeing them both together might just be too much for me to handle
Is he ashamed to admit he's dating someone from the internet or what?
he said he's not. i even asked if he's embarassed of me cus of how i look.
his initial reaction to me asking about fb status was ignoring at first, and then something like"who cares about stupid facebook status?". yet he is using it, and has much more people on it than i do. eventually after me bringing it up a bunch of times, saying how it's making me anxious, he said he'd change it if we met irl. i don't get it.
grrmusha on
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
edited August 2015
I have no idea who it is but it's probably best to avoid posting about other forumers where they can see it.
Edit: to clarify, not for good things where you're both happy, but for relationship issues.
ceres on
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
it doesn't matter at this point, i don't care if he sees it. no one knows who he is. im just not going to go into some details on here, only that which is "safe"to say.
Is he ashamed to admit he's dating someone from the internet or what?
he said he's not. i even asked if he's embarassed of me cus of how i look.
his initial reaction to me asking about fb status was ignoring at first, and then something like"who cares about stupid facebook status?". yet he is using it, and has much more people on it than i do. eventually after me bringing it up a bunch of times, saying how it's making me anxious, he said he'd change it if we met irl. i don't get it.
Ok...
So he doesn't really take your relationship seriously. (But of course the Facebook status isn't the only thing that indicates this.)
And like @Infidel said, there's a difference between not having a relationship status on Facebook, and having it set to Single for everyone to see.
That or there is social pressure leading them to want to keep the relationship secret (age difference, religious reasons) honestly it seems like it's not really a relationship but more of a complicated friendship between two people who don't know what they want or have the resources to get what they want. Either way it's complicated by expectations and a lack of clear communication and boundaries.
you couldn't be more wrong! we are very close. why would you say that?because i pointed out fb status, which was just one of the things that worries me? i didn't give a fuck about it at first, but now i do. so it made me sound like one of those crazy girls who will nag a guy to change status/get married/have kids? geez.
-edit- wrong. we talked about what we wanted, and there is no big age difference or religious reasons. why is stuff like this being invented now when i never mentioned it at all?:o seriously.
Our concern is that he's having his cake and eating it, as in getting the emotional support/romance etc that you get from a relationship without having to put in the commitment like visiting after two years, which results in someone getting hurt.
you couldn't be more wrong! we are very close. why would you say that?because i pointed out fb status, which was just one of the things that worries me? i didn't give a fuck about it at first, but now i do. so it made me sound like one of those crazy girls who will nag a guy to change status/get married/have kids? geez. it's not like at all.
-edit- wrong. we talked about what we wanted, and there is no big age difference or religious reasons. why is stuff like this being invented now when i never mentioned it at all?:o seriously.
That stuff is coming up because it is clear he has a reason that he doesn't want to meet you or actually treat you like and properly consider you his girlfriend.
And I think we'd all prefer that the reason is something like that - some external societal pressure, something explainable - than him just being a total shitlord.
Well I can't have all the info, I'm just throwing in outside perspective. All I see is needs not being met for unknown reasons. The reasons you are seeing things being "invented" is because these are actual concerns and often reasons for complications in relationships.
I'm glad you recognise that then! Some people don't and it can end up being unhealthy.
You need to have a frank and honest conversation with him, tell him you think its wrong that after two years he keeps canceling on you, and ask him why. Not why as in the excuses he keeps making, but why as in 'Do you not want to meet me? Are you ashamed of me?' this may not be the case but it will be the reality shock he needs. You both need a chat about where you think your relationship is going and if he's serious.
I hope you don't think our concern is trying to make you feel bad, we just don't want you to get led down the garden path.
reasons are what im not mentioning here. let's just say at first it was a mistake/omission on his side which would've been solved by one phone call, and later on, if he is to be believed, they were circumstances(money and work related). even with those circumstances, am i really supposed to believe that someone is unable to take at least a few days off from work in almost 2 years?
liiya, i asked. can't you see how direct i am?XD anything you may suggest now, i've already asked it.
That would definitely affect how I'd interpret not being able to visit.
Personally I'd never consider myself truly in a romantic relationship until I had met someone. Seems like pinning too much onto the situation. There is just too much ambiguity when you aren't in person.
I don't think anyone would fault you for moving on, or putting this on the back burner and seeing if anything ever really happens.
and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
but they're listening to every word I say
reasons are what im not mentioning here. let's just say at first it was a mistake/omission on his side which would've been solved by one phone call, and later on, if he is to be believed, they were circumstances(money and work related). even with those circumstances, am i really supposed to believe that someone is unable to take at least a few days off from work in almost 2 years?
liiya, i asked. can't you see how direct i am?XD anything you may suggest now, i've already asked it.
Ah. If you've asked him these things then about where your relationship is going and he still just gives excuses then you need to decide what you want then out it. It doesn't sound to me like he'll change his ways/mind if hes doing that.
Posts
If a relationship is causing you emotional pain and is making you unhappy, that's all the reason you need to get out of it. You don't have to justify it.
no.
im an anxious person and of course reasons matter. im not going to dump someone over nothing. basically because of meeting i get paranoid about everything else.
Whether or not that person even has good reasons is sort of irrelevant. Ultimately, you have your own emotional health and well being to consider first and foremost.
If that other person can't work with you on what you physically and emotionally need in the relationship, regardless of why, then you should look for someone who can, in my opinion.
Finding middle ground and working with the other person is super important in a relationship, but everyone has pretty hard cutoffs too. Never seeing the person you love because they won't ever see you seems like a pretty damn hard cut off imo.
those times when we managed to talk about it and i asked if we wanted same things, he'd say he does. so how did it come to this from being asked to meet up repeateadly at first, i dunno. i think he doesn't love me anymore.
also, he's a forumer, so he's prolly going to read all of this, but it doesn't matter.
Well, it might be anxiety for meeting you.
Which is fair.
But it is also fair that if you feel that you should spend time together in person and then be upset when it doesn't pan out again and again.
Satans..... hints.....
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Yo fuck that business
You in a LDR for that long and confess love to a person and manage to foul up meeting somebody for two years when meeting them is within your power? Shit. I'd have thrown homeboy in the garbage
In any situation, if it is something that is not working out for you and it looks like it won't work out, moving on is a perfectly valid move.
After a certain point, it doesn't matter what reasons there are for these things. It just isn't working and needs to end because of how the whole thing makes you feel.
If you make it clear what needs to happen for a relationship to work and the other person ignores that, it's time to go.
After a few missed opportunities to meet up with a LDR of mine, it was over. And turned out that wasn't the only thing they were being misleading on.
i thought(still do, even though he's ignoring me now)that he was a great guy. maybe i've been completely wrong all this time.
But at any rate, he seems to want a relationship only according to his terms, without regard to you and your needs. You don't have to put up with something like that. You can find someone out there, who is interested in being with you physically and emotionally, and who doesn't respond to your feelings with accusations.
Switch: SW-7603-3284-4227
My ACNH Wishlists | My ACNH Catalog
I mean, even if he did, you eventually have to look after yourself rather than trying to constantly weigh what you're doing to another person
It just becomes unhealthy for both of you
if his facebook says he's single then he pretty clearly doesn't consider you to be his girlfriend
kick this douchenozzle to the curb
i want everyone to know that i was looking at my avatar while typing that and almost said to kick him to the kirb
http://www.audioentropy.com/
http://www.audioentropy.com/
edit: This is the wrong thread for this.
But I'll bet this cookie straw milk slurping is pretty much what love feels like.
editedit: Also, it looks like it says "going to be anal right Sunday" up there hehehe
editeditedit: Ehehehehe
Yeah, I actually specifically leave my Facebook status undefined because I don't really think it's the business of everyone I know on Facebook, plus Facebook itself, to know who/if I'm dating. But I also make that clear with my partner and communicate as much as possible in other ways. So...yeah. All things told, not great signs.
The Facebook thing is odd too. Is he ashamed to admit he's dating someone from the internet or what?
No relationship is perfect, but there are core qualities a healthy relationship needs, like communication and trust - both of which your relationship is lacking. I feel like these qualities are especially important for couples who are long distance. You need a strong relationship to survive the distance. And you need to meet eventually, which isn't on his list of priorities for whatever reason.
You might not believe it right now, but you can find someone better than him. You can be with someone who actually loves you and isn't afraid to show it.
there's a girl I have feelings for, who is dating another person
said other person is currently living in russia, but has come to visit her
and since I'm one of her friends, she wants me and a bunch of other people to come meet them
and
I have never told her I have feelings for her, I would never ever do anything to disrupt their relationship and I fully support them continuing to date
but hanging out with her, while fun, is always torturous to me as well because it's almost everything I want and I can't do anything about it
and seeing them both together might just be too much for me to handle
his initial reaction to me asking about fb status was ignoring at first, and then something like"who cares about stupid facebook status?". yet he is using it, and has much more people on it than i do. eventually after me bringing it up a bunch of times, saying how it's making me anxious, he said he'd change it if we met irl. i don't get it.
Edit: to clarify, not for good things where you're both happy, but for relationship issues.
Ok...
So he doesn't really take your relationship seriously. (But of course the Facebook status isn't the only thing that indicates this.)
And like @Infidel said, there's a difference between not having a relationship status on Facebook, and having it set to Single for everyone to see.
-edit- wrong. we talked about what we wanted, and there is no big age difference or religious reasons. why is stuff like this being invented now when i never mentioned it at all?:o seriously.
That stuff is coming up because it is clear he has a reason that he doesn't want to meet you or actually treat you like and properly consider you his girlfriend.
And I think we'd all prefer that the reason is something like that - some external societal pressure, something explainable - than him just being a total shitlord.
You need to have a frank and honest conversation with him, tell him you think its wrong that after two years he keeps canceling on you, and ask him why. Not why as in the excuses he keeps making, but why as in 'Do you not want to meet me? Are you ashamed of me?' this may not be the case but it will be the reality shock he needs. You both need a chat about where you think your relationship is going and if he's serious.
I hope you don't think our concern is trying to make you feel bad, we just don't want you to get led down the garden path.
http://www.theawl.com/2014/02/ask-polly-should-i-play-it-cool-or-ask-for-more-and-be-that-girl
liiya, i asked. can't you see how direct i am?XD anything you may suggest now, i've already asked it.
One town over? One state? A country? A continent?
That would definitely affect how I'd interpret not being able to visit.
Personally I'd never consider myself truly in a romantic relationship until I had met someone. Seems like pinning too much onto the situation. There is just too much ambiguity when you aren't in person.
I don't think anyone would fault you for moving on, or putting this on the back burner and seeing if anything ever really happens.
but they're listening to every word I say
Ah. If you've asked him these things then about where your relationship is going and he still just gives excuses then you need to decide what you want then out it. It doesn't sound to me like he'll change his ways/mind if hes doing that.