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Christmas Family Vacation Bullshit. Yay. :|
The Ender
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Warning: Thread will contain elements of First World Problems lol
So, a few years ago, my parents set down an agreement with us that since Christmas get-togethers & gift openings were becoming less of a thing people were interested in for a variety of reasons (mostly because, hey, we all grew up and my siblings mostly found their own families and we moved on with life), they would do family vacations with us every 2 years or so. This sounded okay; most of us can't afford to travel and it seemed foolish to turn down an offer to go see interesting places around the world.
First vacation was France. This was a disaster that I hated nearly every second of (except the first day, which was the 'free day' afforded to us because my parents spent it recovering from jet lag. I had a marvelous time just wandering around the old city and having friendly short exchanges with Parisians in embarrassingly terrible Not-French); my parents led us around like a group of school children, complete with fucking field trip assignments, and took every spare moment to bitch about us to each other, demonstrate their inability to interact with locals with any semblance of dignity (while complaining about how 'rude' everyone in Paris is) and whine about prices (while dragging everyone around into pay-to-experience tourist traps that we didn't even want to see anyway).
I nearly exploded at the end of the last day, after being hauled into a restaurant that I did not want to eat at and then expected to pay for a ridiculously overpriced meal that I could not at all afford (that is, yes, I could pay for it - but not without subsequently being unable to buy groceries upon getting home). But I didn't, because I didn't want to make a scene, we were in a restaurant, I didn't want the waiter to have to deal with that, etc.
So, this year's 'family vacation' is now being planned, and it's for Hawaii, because I foolishly mentioned it at the end of the trip when we were all asked what place in the world we'd like to someday see.
I refuse to go through that a second time, especially when it involves a place that I have a genuine interest in. I'm happy to have it remain as a (no doubt unrealistically romantic) fantasy in my imagination, or perhaps to someday in the future visit it if I ever piece together the money to do that. I am not going on another Goddamn 'family vacation' ever, because I get enough of that experience anyway while I'm at home, and at least I'm not trapped in a fucking hotel or bound to someone else's wallet while the 'family vacation' happens all around me 24/7.
But I don't know what to do or when to do it.
I am probably just going to tell my mother that I'm not going to go. Whenever I do this, and whatever my approach is, I know that this is going to result in an explosion. We are dealing with the death of grandparents on both sides of the family right now, so I don't want to have that kind of explosion right now... but I also don't want to wait until my plane ticket would have to be cancelled.
Has anyone else had to do this, or something similar?
So, a few years ago, my parents set down an agreement with us that since Christmas get-togethers & gift openings were becoming less of a thing people were interested in for a variety of reasons (mostly because, hey, we all grew up and my siblings mostly found their own families and we moved on with life), they would do family vacations with us every 2 years or so. This sounded okay; most of us can't afford to travel and it seemed foolish to turn down an offer to go see interesting places around the world.
First vacation was France. This was a disaster that I hated nearly every second of (except the first day, which was the 'free day' afforded to us because my parents spent it recovering from jet lag. I had a marvelous time just wandering around the old city and having friendly short exchanges with Parisians in embarrassingly terrible Not-French); my parents led us around like a group of school children, complete with fucking field trip assignments, and took every spare moment to bitch about us to each other, demonstrate their inability to interact with locals with any semblance of dignity (while complaining about how 'rude' everyone in Paris is) and whine about prices (while dragging everyone around into pay-to-experience tourist traps that we didn't even want to see anyway).
I nearly exploded at the end of the last day, after being hauled into a restaurant that I did not want to eat at and then expected to pay for a ridiculously overpriced meal that I could not at all afford (that is, yes, I could pay for it - but not without subsequently being unable to buy groceries upon getting home). But I didn't, because I didn't want to make a scene, we were in a restaurant, I didn't want the waiter to have to deal with that, etc.
So, this year's 'family vacation' is now being planned, and it's for Hawaii, because I foolishly mentioned it at the end of the trip when we were all asked what place in the world we'd like to someday see.
I refuse to go through that a second time, especially when it involves a place that I have a genuine interest in. I'm happy to have it remain as a (no doubt unrealistically romantic) fantasy in my imagination, or perhaps to someday in the future visit it if I ever piece together the money to do that. I am not going on another Goddamn 'family vacation' ever, because I get enough of that experience anyway while I'm at home, and at least I'm not trapped in a fucking hotel or bound to someone else's wallet while the 'family vacation' happens all around me 24/7.
But I don't know what to do or when to do it.
I am probably just going to tell my mother that I'm not going to go. Whenever I do this, and whatever my approach is, I know that this is going to result in an explosion. We are dealing with the death of grandparents on both sides of the family right now, so I don't want to have that kind of explosion right now... but I also don't want to wait until my plane ticket would have to be cancelled.
Has anyone else had to do this, or something similar?
With Love and Courage
The Ender on
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There's never a good time to break bad news. But doing it now (or soon if you want to do it in person and don't live close) helps because it a) let's your parents plan and Cool Smiley) helps them come to terms with it before the vacation starts so you don't have a shitty christmas or pre-christmas time.
I wouldn't trust my parents with any sort of agreement, written or otherwise.
I'm not going to go; I'm just not sure how to say it.
(Also if someone could lie to me and tell me that the observatory VIC really isn't amazing at all and the night sky view is really total crap that the permanently erupting volcano is totally overrated, I'd appreciate it. :P )
The best thing I can advise is tell them early, stay firm, and prepare yourself for a barrage of guilt. I would not recommend lying with an excuse such as a conflict with work or school. You'll have to keep it straight for one and for another if they find out it's a lie, it'll just make things worse.
Getting up to the summit on the Big Island can be problematic while the protests against the thirty meter telescope are going on and you can't get very close to the erupting vents :P
What the Hell? That's an abusive relationship and not how vacations work.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you should be in contact with your parents as little as possible period if this is good they act towards you.
The problem is that the parents are clearly footing at least part of the bill to get to wherever the vacation is taking place. This puts them in a position of power, and they have it twisted in their minds that they are owed these experiences from their kids. There will be no discussion.
Ender, I don't have any experience with this situation, but I'm going to echo just to get the unpleasantness out of the way. Did your other siblings also have a shitty time in France? Are you guys at all close? Could you do this as a "we ALL don't want to go" kinda deal, so that the vitriol isn't solely directed at you?
What in the SHIT. You're an ADULT. That is not an acceptable way to treat someone.
Tell them no.
If questioned, explain it.
"I'm an adult and I don't like to be bullied and treated like crap, like when you kept our keys from us if we wanted to do something not on your vacation outline. I also do not have the money and hate being put in the situation where I have to pay for expensive things as part of a group because you won't take no for an answer."
They'll probably be angry or whatever, but good, maybe they'll realize how shitty they were acting.
Feel free to add in "I'm grateful for the opportunity and grateful you helped pay part of our way but it's just gotten out of hand and is not very enjoyable and that's not how I want to spend a vacation or time with my family."
I suspect you're more concerned about the fallout. Don't get sucked into the drama there either. I can already see them saying "WTF? You said you wanted to go to Hawaii!?". Good luck.
Sounds like they are reaching from the nest to exert some kind of f-ed up power play.
If you feel like getting into everything, then by all means do so, if not, just keep it to that you do not feel like going this year. If there are other opportunities for you to spend time with them under your own terms that is your call, but I would really recommend not letting them hold the keys and tickets again.
Simple platitudes might also help smooth things over I guess? I love you, sounds like a fun trip, hope you have a good time, send me some pictures, I will call you when you are there to hear all about it. Maybe catch up with your parents and other family members now so they feel more a part of your life even if you can not meet up with them physically.
That said, fucking don't go that shit sounds AWFUL. If my parents pulled that shit I'd feel the SAME WAY.
Hell, if someone who WASN'T family tried to pull that sort of shit on grown adults (taking the hotel keys, forcing expensive tours that people aren't into, et al), that someone would find themselves short on friends very quickly. Family isn't some mystical obligation to always make them happy at all times because blood, family is there to support and understand each other.
It's entirely possible that you're not the only one involved that's annoyed by their over planning and controlling of the previous vacation, and it's possible they haven't done that this time. It may be worth asking them if they've got every waking minute planned for you and the rest of the family then let them know that that is why you're not interested.
Oh nono then they'll offer to pay and hold it over him forever. I know that old gem.
Gotta bandaid this mother fucker. Right off.
Be short quick and concise in your explanation then immediately end the conversation and if they bring it up in future calls just say I'm not discussing this and hang up.
I wanted to address these together because they are connected.
Yes, I'm aware that the behavior is unacceptable. My living situation is that I have a limited lump sum of EI money to currently live on (I am desperately looking for work, but without success) and am in a town house that my parents are renovating & intending to flip (but not living in themselves); this allows me to hang onto the EI money & use it for groceries and not worry about rent/utilities (which I couldn't otherwise afford).
If I could currently escape the situation, I would (and when I can afford to do so, I will).
Not really. My married siblings, for reasons that are probably obvious enough, talk to my parents as seldom as possible and were not under the same pressures / constraints (which is why mom took every spare moment to bitch about them). My younger sister & I were in the same boat, but she is in much worse conditions than myself & cannot reasonably be expected to stand-up to the nonsense. I need to be the big brother, here.
Which I will try to do.
- You don't have to give a specific reason why you can't go, and it's best not to. "We decided not to go this year, but we hope you have fun!" or if you want to pawn the responsibility off to a nebulous other, "I can't go because of work/job hunt, I'm sorry, I'll really miss everyone."
- The main reason you don't give reasons is because you don't want to start a negotiation. You decided, there is no room for negotiation. How they react to that is up to them.
- The first attempt to set a boundary is always the hardest, but even with very dysfunctional people it does get better with practice.
As others have said it's an abusive relationship so regardless of any internet advice, you are really the best judge of how much you feel safe in trying to set boundaries.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
I hear you, if your little sister isn't equipped to deal with the fallout quite like you can, I guess you've just got to have big shoulders.
Hope it all goes well. :sad:
This can be used as a (true and valid!) excuse
Also, and maybe I'm crazy here, but you know you can always ask the front desk for another key, right? The only way your parents can really keep you out of the room is to be in there themselves and lock the deadbolt, which is annoying but then they're stuck in there and you're free to roam. You may not be able to get them to treat you like an independent adult while you live under their roof but you can damn sure get them to stop treating you like a child.
That had a surprisingly cordial & happy resolution: I talked to my parents about it, and 'lo and behold, they didn't totally spaz out. I was nearly stunned.
I'll be travelling with my step sister & her family for the duration of the trip, who are largely going to be doing their own thing, and my parents will be leading around their grandchildren so they can still do the field trip stuff that is so important to them (God knows why, but whatever).
I know I'm a pessimist, but dealing with these sorts of people in my life has me thinking that I'll only really believe it's resolved after he tells us what happens on the vacation.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
My one for-definite thing is going to the observatory visitor's center.
Questions:
- What is the typical crowd size there?
- Is this a place you can spend like a whole day on or more like just a few hours?
- Do they exhibit stuff there? Can I expect Pluto / Charon exhibits?
Its a good drive and a bit of a walk but they are pretty neat. If you are down that way catch em on the way to the end of the road.
I spent more time on Maui and lived on Oahu so if you're going to either one of those islands I've got more insight.
My pessimism has been destroyed. You guys, this place is amazing.
There are fresh lava fields just everywhere. Everything is made out of basalt (I shouldn't be surprised, of course - the whole island chain is made entirely of lava - but I wasn't sure how much might've been covered in conventional soil or sod or whatever). I see all of this primordial landscape, and my mind is blown by the sheer scale of it.
The crabs jump. Feral cats prowl around in little prides like little lions (which is horrific from the conservation standpoint, but whatever I'm on vacation my brain is turned off thank you very much!). There is a big, active effort to keep the local native language alive. Darkness rules the night; there are no rows upon rows of street lamps or large structures filled with lights (unfortunately, it's cloudy enough that the seeing is pretty crummy. Oh well).
I don't have a camera and my phone is at home in case someone wants to leave me a VM, but I'll see what I can do about using this shitty laptop to take some photos tomorrow. I'm really, really glad I talked to my parents about this; being able to just do thngs at my own pace & relax with my step sister's family is an incredible boon (plus they've spent most of the day driving around lost with a bunch of cranky kds while were hanging out at a beach watching a sea turtle do his thing).