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[Star Wars] - Some fandalorians think Mandalorian blandalorian, others give a handalorian

ShadowenShadowen Snores in the morningLoserdomRegistered User regular
edited November 2019 in Social Entropy++
It's seriously been a week. What the fuck, people?

After the first day, I had the idea for this, but figured a new OP would be posted too quickly.

After the second day, I started writing this, just in case I managed to get it all done in one go.

By the fifth day, I'd finished editing the text, but was too lazy to do the pictures.

On the sixth day, I spent an inordinate amount of time searching the internet for free tools before deciding to scale back my ambitions.

And on the seventh day, OP posted.

If you don't like it this overwrought crap written entirely for one bad joke at the end, blame everyone who didn't do an OP before me.

Good day, cadets! I thought we'd take a break from mycology to talk about a subject near and dear to my heart, a centuries-old film series about ridiculously cool things happening in scientifically improbable ways. Curiously, even though the people who make it keep getting executed, it has proven inexplicably popular, and so people keep trying to make stories in the same universe. We'll be tackling them in order of release.

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The Originals
Spark of Rebellion: Originally called simply A War Across The Stars, the new title was given in the runup to the release of the sequel. However, given its start, it's almost a surprise that this series got more than one entry. But the filmmakers were able to convince the Emperor that the story was a tragic ending, and that the main character was in fact the apparent villain who escaped at the end, and the story would continue.

The Emperor's Day Special: Specially commissioned by the Emperor of the time for their amusement. Occasionally we show this to people when giving them a break from the agonizers so they don't die. They are at first confused, then relieved, and most often they are begging to be put back in the agonizers before the credits roll.

The Empire's Wrath: Easily the best in the series. A feel-good romp showing the rightful fate of all who rebel against an almighty Emperor. If they'd just stopped here, the creators might have lived; indeed the Emperor of the day was quite pleased and showered the film makers with gifts.

Vengeance of the Fallen: On first release, there was confusion about the content of the film. Was it a subversive work, or nonsensical surrealism, or a farce, with "love" winning the day and toppling the Empire? Either way, the film-makers insisted that, like the first movie, it was a tragedy, but the Emperor's patience was at an end, and all were executed.

The Enhanced Editions: Some fifteen years after the last film, the Emperor was deposed, and it was revealed that the creator most credited had not been executed, instead kept in a primitive sort of agonizer in the intervening years, broken up only by viewings of his own Emperor's Day Special (as mentioned, this is a tradition that continues for all subjected to agonizers to this day). Curiously, the films were a favorite of the new Emperor, and the creator was released if he promised to make more; while he worked on the first, a group of artists who had illegally kept copies of the original films offered to use the primitive technology of the day to restore and enhance them to be a biting commentary on the failure of the previous Emperor's administration.

The Prequels

Intended as a "how we got here" for the original movies.
The Invisible Hand: A story about how even supposed Golden Ages in democracies are rife with corruption and inefficiency, as well as a mockery of religious zealotry. While skillfully made from a technical standpoint, the original creator seems to have lost whatever touch he had with actors, which was not strong to begin with.

The Separatist Treason: An odd title, but it must be remembered that even though the Republic was a bloated bureaucracy of fools easily tricked into granting one man more and more power, they were still the lawful government, and deviance is treason. In addition, the future Emperor currently heads the Republic and is trying to make them more effective, only compounding the sin of rebellion. A decent if flawed movie, though the love story, supposedly so crucial to the plot, feels a bit tacked on.

Rise of the Emperor: Generally accepted as the best of the prequels, and my personal favorite (yes, even above The Empire's Wrath)--not just of the series, but of any old pre-holo film. The final collapse of the Republic and its reorganization into an efficient, strong Empire makes it possibly the most feel-good movie I've ever seen.

Hutt Crisis: Honestly you can just skip this one, except as an object lesson for how hopeless the Republic was if it had to court the opinion of disgusting slug-like freaks like the Hutts, but the spinoff series, Send In The Clones!, is a good show for children, a lesson in the utility of military might and the futility of resisting concentration of power, though the ending is bittersweet, hinting at the defeats to come for the noble Emperor. After Send In The Clones! was completed, the Emperor executed the original creator of the series to let the others know not to get complacent, and gave rights to the property to a minor nobility, whose true name is lost to history but who were whimsically nicknamed the House of Mouse. This lead to...

The New Era
Traitors: A semi-sequel to Send In The Clones!, set shortly before Spark of Rebellion. For some reason, despite the title the rebels appear to be not just villainous protagonists, but heroes. Though as well-made as its progenitor series, if not better, everyone who worked on this series was imprisoned in one of the primitive agonizers I mentioned before, where they remained until death, though rumors persist some were freed to work on a new childrens' series. Making things more confusing, they were the ones who made Send In The Clones!, so this series' frankly treasonous material is even more unexpected.

Return of the Empire: The first film of a new trilogy continuing from the events of the original trilogy, Return of the Empire is a biting satire of democracy, showing the weakness of and flaws in the system. Sometimes criticized as being all but a shot-for-shot remake of Spark of Rebellion, I think it is far more subtle and nuanced film than that. Some are confused why it's so popular when the First Order, the neo-Imperial revivalists, lose. The answer to that question is in the next film in the new trilogy.

Rebel One: A story about some traitors who helped the rebels destroy the Death Star all the way back in Spark of Rebellion. Most of the film is about the rebels sneering about how there's no way the Empire will win, right before the Empire kills them with casual ease. Much to recommend, but with a confusing final shot that got the director executed.

Foundation of Sand: This film shows the precariousness of a system with a weak leader whose subjects believe they are strong. Every leader in this film at first seems strong, but ultimately proves weak; no one wins and everyone loses. This is by far the most divisive film in the series since the end of the original trilogy. Many called for the director's execution, though out of disliking the film rather than ideological opposition. Records indicate he was instead given another trilogy of films all his own in the setting. This film is almost a public service announcement for our Empire, because of what I believe is the film's core message: complacency gets you killed.

The Young Gunman: One of the rebels from the original film engages in more overtly criminal crimes. It was pretty good.

Submission: A pathetic klutz of a would-be Rebel attempts to stop the First Order's rise, but as Return of the Empire (to which it is a prequel) makes clear, the First Order cannot be stopped.

The End of All Things:Quite recently, cultural historians claim to have unearthed a new film in the series, which brings an end to the tragedy of the Skywalker saga. They have not been able to recover the entire movie as of yet, but did splice together the following fragments, which look suspiciously like an advertisement.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adzYW5DZoWs

Other films in the series are rumored to exist, completing the story of the third trilogy or starring minor characters in their own saga, but have not yet been discovered in archives by cultural historians. Or, possibly, they have, but their substance is so treasonous that the historians were executed to prevent the secret escaping.

Regardless, I think that's all we have time for today. Enjoy your next class, try not to die. Long live the Empire!
That's funny.
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I had the weirdest dream...

Shadowen on
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    ElaroElaro Apologetic Registered User regular
    I believe Tube said to take a break from Star Wars thread after the last one. Something about Solo not being a cultural touchstone?

    Children's rights are human rights.
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    KlendyKlendy Goomy GoomyGoomyRegistered User regular
    Tube doesn't own me or my opinions on galaxy conflicts.

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    nightmarennynightmarenny Registered User regular
    Solo is probably going to end up my least favorite movie of this year.

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    Bloods EndBloods End Blade of Tyshalle Punch dimensionRegistered User regular
    Solo is probably the most fun I've had at the movies all year. I loved it even more a second time.

    Also anyone who is mean to Kelly Marie Tran should fuck off forever

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    ShadowenShadowen Snores in the morning LoserdomRegistered User regular
    Lindsay Ellis, possibly the best video essayist focused on pop culture who works on Youtube, took a look at what the First Order's actual ideology might be.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAVeyXwy3BE

    And also Star Wars fans are garbage humans who hounded Kelly Marie Tran off social media.

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    sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    Kelly Marie Tran is better than all of us and when she marries her boyfriend John Boyega they are going to fly off into the clouds in a Chrysler convertible just like at the end of Grease. They will consider flipping this shit planet the bird but will decide against it because they are the best.

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    initiatefailureinitiatefailure Registered User regular
    Is this where I come to set a fandom on fire?

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    sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    I am finding it very hard not to say unkind things about people who are being mean to Kelly Marie Tran.

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    nightmarennynightmarenny Registered User regular
    sarukun wrote: »
    I am finding it very hard not to say unkind things about people who are being mean to Kelly Marie Tran.

    Ill do it for you

    If you seek out and harass people for being in a movie* you are trash.

    *and especially if they are a woman or a minority

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    DaypigeonDaypigeon Registered User regular
    it's too bad it's impossible to actually go back and ruin someone's childhood like these fuckers keep complaining about, because, boy

    some folks deserve nothing less

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    sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

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    RT800RT800 Registered User regular
    edited June 2018
    So when do we get a Yoda movie.

    Everyone wants to know what Yoda did as a kid.

    I have a theory that his species starts out big but gets smaller as they age.

    RT800 on
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    sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    Never because, considering that this is pulpy genre fiction and not indie art scene cinema, Yoda works best as a mysterious old guy who has been old literally forever.

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    VeldrinVeldrin Sham bam bamina Registered User regular
    I wish it was established more that Yoda's whole cheeky senile old man shtick was something he just like, always did.

    Interrupting loudly during council meetings to point out how another council member's nose reminds him of eggs

    Periodically strolling out of the public bathrooms pantsless

    Randomly stopping padawans in the halls to give them weird smelling melted candies

    All just to mess with everyone because he finds it hilarious.

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    Rorshach KringleRorshach Kringle that crustache life Registered User regular
    Daypigeon wrote: »
    it's too bad it's impossible to actually go back and ruin someone's childhood like these fuckers keep complaining about, because, boy

    some folks deserve nothing less

    no child deserves a shitty life because they became a terrible adult

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    nightmarennynightmarenny Registered User regular
    edited June 2018
    Daypigeon wrote: »
    it's too bad it's impossible to actually go back and ruin someone's childhood like these fuckers keep complaining about, because, boy

    some folks deserve nothing less

    no child deserves a shitty life because they became a terrible adult

    If you could go back in time to murder Hitler why wouldn't you just

    like

    Go back in time to raise him better so he doesn't turn into a monster?

    Oh I'm sorry time travelers does that take to much time and effort? Fuck you, you have all the time in the world, youre time travelers.

    nightmarenny on
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    GvzbgulGvzbgul Registered User regular
    Time travelers are inherently lazy.

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    sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    Butterfly effect, y’all. You could go back and raise Hitler better but then you might accidentally create mega-Hitler, and THEN what?

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    Grey GhostGrey Ghost Registered User regular
    Really if you wanted to prevent all the things people usually associate with Hitler, you'd have to find a way to prevent World War I from happening and that's a tall order

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    Theodore FlooseveltTheodore Floosevelt proud parent of eight beautiful girls and shalmelo dorne (which is currently being ruled by a woman (awesome role model for my daughters)) #dornedadRegistered User regular
    apropros of time travel, i watched 11.22.63 recently and quite liked the conceit of the past not wanting to change, to the point of actively trying to stop rogue agents in the time stream

    even if it was never realized in a better way in my eyes than that night in the restaurant, which had the perfect mix of danger & intrigue

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    KlendyKlendy Goomy GoomyGoomyRegistered User regular
    edited June 2018
    How do we feel collectively about the narrative use of flashbacks in the new star wars films? Ie TFA and TLJ, when previously all flashbacks or future visions were either vague or verbalized by a character? That's kind of like time travel.

    Klendy on
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    GvzbgulGvzbgul Registered User regular
    Klendy wrote: »
    How do we feel collectively about the narrative use of flashbacks in the new star wars films? Ie TFA and TLJ, when previously all flashbacks or future visions were either vague or verbalized by a character? That's kind of like time travel.
    I'm deffo in favour of the latter. To open up old wounds, TLJ would have been much better served if the focus was on Old Luke telling the story rather than seeing slightly younger Luke act out the story.

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    DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    Gvzbgul wrote: »
    Klendy wrote: »
    How do we feel collectively about the narrative use of flashbacks in the new star wars films? Ie TFA and TLJ, when previously all flashbacks or future visions were either vague or verbalized by a character? That's kind of like time travel.
    I'm deffo in favour of the latter. To open up old wounds, TLJ would have been much better served if the focus was on Old Luke telling the story rather than seeing slightly younger Luke act out the story.

    Every time that scene was shown, it was subtlety different depending on who was telling it. The importance, the differences, of individual perception/perspective on a single event were communicated visually in a way that could not have been done simply through showing the actor recounting it. A literal example of showing, not just telling.

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    SixshotStrikerSixshotStriker Registered User regular
    Grey Ghost wrote: »
    Really if you wanted to prevent all the things people usually associate with Hitler, you'd have to find a way to prevent World War I from happening and that's a tall order

    Turns out all you have to do is prevent the Titanic from sinking.

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    DaypigeonDaypigeon Registered User regular
    Daypigeon wrote: »
    it's too bad it's impossible to actually go back and ruin someone's childhood like these fuckers keep complaining about, because, boy

    some folks deserve nothing less

    no child deserves a shitty life because they became a terrible adult

    yeah this is fair

    i am dramatically overpissy about this incident for personal reasons, i'll try to keep it light from now on

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    Rorshach KringleRorshach Kringle that crustache life Registered User regular
    Grey Ghost wrote: »
    Really if you wanted to prevent all the things people usually associate with Hitler, you'd have to find a way to prevent World War I from happening and that's a tall order

    gotta protect archduke modest mouse at all costs

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    MysstMysst King Monkey of Hedonism IslandRegistered User regular
    honestly if I was a time traveler I'd just sink every ship bound to the americas

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    ShortyShorty touching the meat Intergalactic Cool CourtRegistered User regular
    yeah that's a good place to start

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    XehalusXehalus Registered User regular
    I really loved the intro scene in Solo

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    Rorshach KringleRorshach Kringle that crustache life Registered User regular
    if i am being honest, all i'd use a time machine for is gambling

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    see317see317 Registered User regular
    If I had a time machine (assuming it's TARDIS like with considerable cargo space as well as the ability to move through both time and space), I'd import a large flock of ostriches to North America maybe a dozen centuries before the first recorded colonization efforts, probably locate them in the South West, along with insuring that there was a compatible food source for them. Enough time for them to get established in their new environment.

    I just think that playing "Cowboys and Indians" as a kid would have been a lot more fun if one or both sides had been riding giant domesticated birds.

    And then, probably, gambling. Or more legal gambling: Stock Market.

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    nightmarennynightmarenny Registered User regular
    I have thought way to much about what I would try to do if I somehow ended up in pre-civil war America. Its my "Zombie survival plan".

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    davidsdurionsdavidsdurions Your Trusty Meatshield Panhandle NebraskaRegistered User regular
    If I had a time machine, I’d make sure I intercepted all other time travelers from going to that party Stephen Hawking threw.

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    nightmarennynightmarenny Registered User regular
    If I had a time machine, I’d make sure I intercepted all other time travelers from going to that party Stephen Hawking threw.

    Why would you break that guys heart like that?

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    davidsdurionsdavidsdurions Your Trusty Meatshield Panhandle NebraskaRegistered User regular
    If I had a time machine, I’d make sure I intercepted all other time travelers from going to that party Stephen Hawking threw.

    Why would you break that guys heart like that?

    I mean, I’d definitely time travel to him later to let him know what’s up, but just not to the party.

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    sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    DarkPrimus wrote: »
    Gvzbgul wrote: »
    Klendy wrote: »
    How do we feel collectively about the narrative use of flashbacks in the new star wars films? Ie TFA and TLJ, when previously all flashbacks or future visions were either vague or verbalized by a character? That's kind of like time travel.
    I'm deffo in favour of the latter. To open up old wounds, TLJ would have been much better served if the focus was on Old Luke telling the story rather than seeing slightly younger Luke act out the story.

    Every time that scene was shown, it was subtlety different depending on who was telling it. The importance, the differences, of individual perception/perspective on a single event were communicated visually in a way that could not have been done simply through showing the actor recounting it. A literal example of showing, not just telling.

    Yeah, I am pretty comfortable saying that watching Luke tell that story would be inferior to what we got on every conceivable level.

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    BahamutZEROBahamutZERO Registered User, Moderator mod
    Grey Ghost wrote: »
    Really if you wanted to prevent all the things people usually associate with Hitler, you'd have to find a way to prevent World War I from happening and that's a tall order

    gotta protect archduke modest mouse at all costs

    the assassination of modest mouse was just a pretext really

    BahamutZERO.gif
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    nightmarennynightmarenny Registered User regular
    Grey Ghost wrote: »
    Really if you wanted to prevent all the things people usually associate with Hitler, you'd have to find a way to prevent World War I from happening and that's a tall order

    gotta protect archduke modest mouse at all costs

    the assassination of modest mouse was just a pretext really

    The killing of Sunny Day Real Estate may have just been a pretense but the events that followed were a unique series of unfortunate accidents and merely delaying the hostilities would grossly change the outcome although not necessarily for the better.

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    Theodore FlooseveltTheodore Floosevelt proud parent of eight beautiful girls and shalmelo dorne (which is currently being ruled by a woman (awesome role model for my daughters)) #dornedadRegistered User regular
    the Kaiser and his Chiefs had to uh, they had to [something that suggests I know anything else about WWI], I tell you what

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    Grey GhostGrey Ghost Registered User regular
    the Kaiser and his Chiefs had to uh, they had to [something that suggests I know anything else about WWI], I tell you what

    Well they did predict that riot, I guess

This discussion has been closed.