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My roommate takes... Too many showers, for too long
Local H Jay
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I live in a house with 4 other people. Two of those are the landlords, the other two and myself rent a room and shared living spaces. Considering this, we've actually all handled things fairly maturely and divided things like fridge space, laundry stuff, etc all well enough. I moved in before the other renters about a year ago, and my room is right next to this bathroom.
One of the other renters, let's call him Smacky. Smacky is a nice enough guy, but he takes a lot of showers. Normally, I don't give a care about what other house members are doing in the bathroom or have any conflicts before. He takes at least 2 separate, 60-90 minute showers a day. It came to a head today when he took three showers in one day, two within mere hours of one another.
It's impacting me and others because of how often he's in there. We work around the same time in the AM, but he's always in there where my tooth brush, soaps and other hygiene items are.
And here's the thing- there's two bathrooms. But Smacky is using the upstairs, 'nicer' bathroom and ignoring the downstairs shower. Everyone else shares this nicer bathroom save for the third renter, who lives in the basement and uses the downstairs bathroom. I (and other housemates) shouldn't have to stash all my stuff downstairs because this dude likes to run a spa in there. I don't mind running downstairs to use the toliet sometimes, but it's becoming a running gag among my roommates.
I've spoken with the landlords and they've mentioned the issue to him, but he literally doesn't seem to be aware of how long he's in there. He's just not very self aware and doesn't take criticism well, so it's hard for him to realize he's being a bit inconsiderate to everyone else.
Basically, long ramble short, trying to have a conversation with this guy without pissing anyone off/ making things awkward. Landlords seem to agree but are kinda wishy washy about pressing the matter. I'm not trying to ruin a good thing because tbh, this has been a really great and affordable living situation and we get along well otherwise; this dude is just Aquaman and it's getting outta hand.
One of the other renters, let's call him Smacky. Smacky is a nice enough guy, but he takes a lot of showers. Normally, I don't give a care about what other house members are doing in the bathroom or have any conflicts before. He takes at least 2 separate, 60-90 minute showers a day. It came to a head today when he took three showers in one day, two within mere hours of one another.
It's impacting me and others because of how often he's in there. We work around the same time in the AM, but he's always in there where my tooth brush, soaps and other hygiene items are.
And here's the thing- there's two bathrooms. But Smacky is using the upstairs, 'nicer' bathroom and ignoring the downstairs shower. Everyone else shares this nicer bathroom save for the third renter, who lives in the basement and uses the downstairs bathroom. I (and other housemates) shouldn't have to stash all my stuff downstairs because this dude likes to run a spa in there. I don't mind running downstairs to use the toliet sometimes, but it's becoming a running gag among my roommates.
I've spoken with the landlords and they've mentioned the issue to him, but he literally doesn't seem to be aware of how long he's in there. He's just not very self aware and doesn't take criticism well, so it's hard for him to realize he's being a bit inconsiderate to everyone else.
Basically, long ramble short, trying to have a conversation with this guy without pissing anyone off/ making things awkward. Landlords seem to agree but are kinda wishy washy about pressing the matter. I'm not trying to ruin a good thing because tbh, this has been a really great and affordable living situation and we get along well otherwise; this dude is just Aquaman and it's getting outta hand.
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You'd think that would be the common sense thing, and yeah everyone else averages 10-20 mins showers.
I don't care if he wants to take long showers, he should just go downstairs since we can all take a shower in the time it takes him to finish one
There's no excuse, he's just young and hasn't had to share a bathroom before. I'm tempted to hang a sign about keeping showers 20 mins but afraid it would come across passive aggressive.
Talk to him.
(3) hour long showers is quite probably over 300 gallons
Two options I can think of.
A. Buy him an egg timer. They cost like nothing and then he'll have no excuses on not noticing how long he showers. Done right it can be given as a friendly hint.
B. Talk to the landlords again and mention the thing about costs, that should make them take up the issue with whats-his-name again.
Just talk to the guy. Explain the situation (about his showers making everyone late), and say look, we really just need to be in and out of the shower in the morning. Not mad, but can you please take your showers downstairs so that we can all be ready on time? If he tries to say he doesn't take that long, maybe say hey, can we try it for a few days to see if it works out? Then you have something to show him that he has to walk past.
My husband takes showers that are about 45 minutes long, but they may as well be infinity long because not only does he take up all available time in which any other person might shower in the morning, but by the time he's done there's no hot water left with which to take a shower anyway. It is very frustrating. I've talked to him many times about it, and we've tried a bunch of different stuff, but what happens is "okay just let me finish up real quick" followed by another 15 minutes. If we had another shower available to us though, I know he wouldn't mind taking it there. It's a good solution if it's available.
there's also some reasons people take long showers (muscle pain and sinus pressure and all that), but y'all should be pushing him down to the downstairs shower and enforce that rule (also he should be paying more for water/heat).
PSN: Robo_Wizard1
I'll bring it up again, more firmly on the "why God" side of things. TBH I just know this guy won't take it well, but my hands are tied. He's going away for a week so I'll have some time to suss out the most polite way to bring it up.
And yeah I've mentioned the cost to the landlords and while they seemed annoyed, they're very complacent and flimsy on establishing house rules. We're lucky everyone is fairly clean and good with chores, otherwise it could be chaos.
Yep. He basically turns it into his personal sauna, because he cranks the hot water. I've also mentioned to him it's not great for his skin, but be doesn't seem concerned.
If he can't do either of those really reasonable requests I think you need a new housemate.
mention it to him that he can't be in there for more than 20 minutes in the morning, then if he is, shout through the door "yo! 20 minutes! I gotta get to work!" If he isn't out in another 5 do it again.
If you give him specific actionable instructions while it's happening you avoid criticism entirely, and if he is resistant in any way you have the perfect response "then use the downstairs shower"
keep it low key and maybe his sensitivity won't affect things
This has happened already a handful of times, we have Google Minis in every room and can broadcast messages to him. So basically a few times I've said "bro you gotta get out" but that point I'm pretty much late already since I do a quick in-out 10min shower. At this point, he should be well aware it's annoying me and the landlords, I think he knows they just aren't very proactive in resolving these things
Yeah I think the meeting thing would be nice, since I can sit down with him and the landlords and suss it out together. I don't want him to think I'm pissed, I'm really not; it's just making me late to work which is unacceptable. I have other things to deal with in the AM like getting my dog fed and walked so I don't have time to shoo him out early every day, I have my own timeline that's been thrown out of whack by his excessive bath time.
Another solution might be keeping all your toiletries in one of those totes that people in college use and just bring it with you to whichever bathroom is free.
Sitting in hot water showers for multiple hours a day while watching TV on your phone seems...not great?
Like, maybe you should help them find an external venue (e.g. a sauna) for all their relaxation needs.
I really really enjoy a hot shower. I have an old-man back and the warmth is wonderful. If he's hanging out watching movies and stuff in the shower, that's kind of weird and while it seems like a shower should be all about hygiene. It might be something he just enjoys. I'd just sit down and really push the idea that if he wants to shower like that, be considerate. No one is even saying he can't shower for an hour, just that he can't do it in the "getting ready for work" bathroom.
If you ask nicely and say, "Please man, we're all pretty great roommates, don't make this a thing!" he'll probably be fine.
You want to continue to be straightforward even if he regresses after improving slightly. Offer sympathy and alternatives if that seems appropriate for the relationship you two have, but for this particular situation I would be generally hard and fast on prioritizing the boundaries, since basic courtesy is being violated. He's showing a lack of awareness about the situation, so you want to make sure it does not seem like the boundaries are a mere suggestion on how he could improve his lifestyle.
If Smacky can't or won't change his shower habits, this is the solution, imho. Do talk to the landlords about the water bill, though. They might be ok with subsidizing his hot water use, but you don't have to.
But yeah, don't get passive-aggressive. Don't put up a sign; don't buy him a timer. Have a meeting where you clearly state what the problem is ("your monopolizing the shared bathroom is making us late for work," NOT "you take too long in the shower") and offer to discuss solutions. Assume that he is not going to start taking shorter or fewer showers - if he does, great, but don't count on it. Whatever comes out of this meeting needs to be concrete and actionable - i.e., anything that starts with "I'll try" is a non-starter.
Personally I favor having him take his shower after everyone else, because that doesn't rely on him suddenly developing the self-control to drag himself out of the nice, warm shower before he's ready. Maybe come up with a way to signal when the bathroom is free for the foreseeable future (whiteboard, etc.) so he doesn't have to track anyone down to ask in person.
This doesn't compute for me - by the time you ask him to vacate you're already going to be late for work? Do you leave the house very shortly after you wake up, or something? If the problem is that he's taking 2 60-90 minute showers a day, there should be time to ask him to vacate and still not be late for work, I would think. Does he get out when asked? If he does, asking earlier may be the only thing you have to do. If he's not getting out when you've asked, that's kind of awful of him. He's the one making things awkward by ignoring your perfectly reasonable request. You should be feel comfortable knowing you can be real firm in whatever meeting you schedule for this.
Perhaps getting a nicer showerhead for downstairs will lure him back there.
but they're listening to every word I say
The downstairs shower is smaller, it's the kind like that glass closet design. The bathroom is fine though, it's just in a basement. The upstairs bathroom has the standard bathtub/shower combo. It does have a badass showerhead in there, didn't consider that as a factor lol
I appreciate the feedback, I think I'll talk to the landlords first and see what we should do. I think if I can take the lead here and be the voice of reason, they'll back it up. Once I'm sure they are on board, we can all sit down.
If you're soaping yourself up head to toe every time you take one of those "I need to relax showers" just because it's routine I could see that doing it I guess. But the point isn't to get clean in those, you're likely already clean.
yes that is my point too
coming at him going "yo your skin will dry out with these long hot showers" is not a very good tactic because it probably isn't
I don't have a problem with it, he can do what he wants. I merely mentioned it to him because it was a problem for me at one time. More like "hey this helped me, might help you"
It's not like he's doing skincare, anyways. He's watching Family Guy on his phone, it's not a mystery.
Even if you manage to solve the mourning routine - I'd still get a bag with a spare toothbrush and -paste and whatever else for whenever they're in the shower in the evenings/night and you want to go to bed, so you can go downstairs and brush your teeth.
Bad suggestion: turn off the WiFi router when he’s taking too long
Or just ask him to try showering without his phone in the room? At least in the mornings? My wife tends to take long showers while playing music or TV on her phone but if I know we're running late or need to be ON TIME for something like a wedding, I'll ask her to maybe take a no-phone shower. It's not always successful but the phone is 100% contributing to the long shower.
I've been reading a lot about the psychology of passive aggression recently (because I had an ex-friend who was a black belt in it) and this approach:
Will not work. PA's will always resist anything you tell them is for "their own good". Passive aggression is mainly about asserting independence, and they'll happily cut off their own nose to spite their face if it means they get to demonstrate their autonomy.
People often develop passive aggressive tendencies as a result of their parenting. The parent tells the kid "do this for your own good" and the kid thinks "fuck you, who are you to tell me whats good for me, maybe I don't care about my own good huh?" and passively rebels by flunking. The more the parent gets upset, controlling and demanding, the more the child feels justified in ignoring the demand. Really the parent would have been better off saying "do this because it makes me happy" and appealing to the kids desire to make his caretakers happy, then praising him as a good little boy/girl when he does so.
Talk to him BEFORE you talk to the landlords, otherwise he’ll see that as going above his head.
TL;DR he's a sulky little baby and you need to treat him as such.
It's less evil turning off the hot water heater.
I'm consulting my crystal ball and seeing that you don't have annoying long thick curly hair :P
Also, talk to him. In a share house that situation is simply untenable. I'd have been shutting off the hot water after the second time he took a 60+ minute shower. I had long hair almost down to my waist, and even with washing that and shaving my face in the shower, it was still a 30 minute thing, and that was twice a week. Thankfully now that hair is gone I'm back to 5 minute showers every time.
Even with the hot water running, it takes me at least 5 minutes to warm up enough to actually shower, as opposed to standing there hugging myself and shivering. Ambient air temp in the shower enclosure, I suppose.