house and live going to hell, advice?

Satanic Jesus

I'm just after having a massive crying fit over everything.

My siblings and I inherited a house after our father died. My brother and I currently live in it, and our sister lives in the UK, we live in Ireland. I am currently on disability and my brother, who was told by a social worker he was almost guaranteed disability, doesn't have any money at all, because he didn't finish his application (he had sent the form off, they requested some more information he didn't send it, so his application was closed), because of his pride (his words). Now I'm forced to pay bills, buy foods, and somehow come up with the money to pay plumbers to fix every leak that happens (currently have a leak and I have some money, but I also have an electricity bill to pay).

And there's also a pipe just outside in the garden under a small metal cover with a hole in it, and there's a blockage of stones in it, or so a previous plumber told me, and it gets backed up with **** and paper, and I just spend time clearing out what I could and putting drain unblocker down to at least try and clear out 'organic material'.

And I just can't take it any more, I'm still in tears, trying to not break down, I can afford to get this place fixed up or move out, and I just wish this whole damn place would disappear, or that I would.

I can't get a loan, I have no savings. Our sister can't help. Is there anything I can do, or someone to speak to that can help?

Enc

Is selling the property an option?

Satanic Jesus

I would, and I believe my sister would easily agree to it, but my brother would not. He hates interacting with people, and won't do certain things, even if he would benefit from them.

SilverWind

Are you also paying for his food (and bills for things only he uses?). Because I would tell him that if he doesn't follow through on his application in a timely manner, I would cut him off--not even out of spite (though that would be fair) but because you cannot afford to support him and yourself.

Satanic Jesus

I do buy his food and pay the bills. I wish I could cut off the bills, I wanted to not renew the internet because I could happily just use the hotspot on my phone, but he persuaded me to, and now I'm stuck in a year long contract. I won't make that mistake again. Also, he claims to be stealing from the supermarket and I'm worried that if I stop buying him food, he'll just steal more and get caught. My sister and I have already agreed that if he really is stealing and gets caught, we won't pay his bail.

Elvenshae

Satanic Jesus wrote: »

I would, and I believe my sister would easily agree to it, but my brother would not. He hates interacting with people, and won't do certain things, even if he would benefit from them.

Then he needs to buy you and your sister out. If he can't do that, then you sell the house.

Hevach

because of his pride (his words)

Clipping this bit out: Your brother has to cut this the fuck out, full stop. Like, any other solution up to and including walking away from the house and leaving him to starve does not preclude the fact that this is not a matter he can allow pride to interfere with.

I don't know how disability and general government aid is in your country, most of Europe has better support than here in the US, but at a certain level I expect the application level is not going to be that different: You've got to swallow your pride and STFU and fill out the papers they tell you to and run down the information they ask for and go to the experts they send you to. The people on the other side of the paper work don't care about his pride or shame, he's a case number to them. They only judge him so far as tallying up the numbers on his form and comparing them to the numbers on the chart to determine whether his application is approved or denied. Something always to remember when your pride is getting in the way of something: If it's this person's job to interact with you, then every aspect of this interaction means a lot more to you than it ever will to them. Because you deal with one agent in your application, while they deal with dozens of applicants a day.

It's tedious and humiliating and there's nothing good or fun about it, but this is his option. The alternative is to get a job, and the whole point of disability is that one is no longer able to work.

Disability isn't meant to support an adult dependent. It is to cover *your* inability to work. *His* inability to work qualifies him to the same.

Enc

Elvenshae wrote: »

Satanic Jesus wrote: »

I would, and I believe my sister would easily agree to it, but my brother would not. He hates interacting with people, and won't do certain things, even if he would benefit from them.

Then he needs to buy you and your sister out. If he can't do that, then you sell the house.

This. A lawyer can help facilitate this, but his not selling generally can't prevent the house from being sold if the majority of owners wish to. Laws vary from nation to nation, so go check with a lawyer in your area to see what your options are.

Satanic Jesus

Thank you for all the replies, I'll be having a long chat with my sister about everything.

SilverWind

Satanic Jesus wrote: »

I do buy his food and pay the bills. I wish I could cut off the bills, I wanted to not renew the internet because I could happily just use the hotspot on my phone, but he persuaded me to, and now I'm stuck in a year long contract. I won't make that mistake again. Also, he claims to be stealing from the supermarket and I'm worried that if I stop buying him food, he'll just steal more and get caught. My sister and I have already agreed that if he really is stealing and gets caught, we won't pay his bail.

Stop paying for his food. Give him a firm cut off date and stick to it. If he chooses to steal rather than apply for his legally entitled benefits that is on him; with you funding him he has no incentive to change

TNTrooper

If cutting him off from the internet is an option then give him a date and tell him to start paying half the bill. He find motivation to finish filling out the forms.

CelestialBadger

Would it be simpler to sell the house, split the proceeds (if any) with your siblings and rent a room somewhere? Much cheaper utility bills than trying to run a whole house on no money.

Enigmedic

Even if you have internet, change the wifi password. Take the hardwires and sell them. If he asks tell him to go fill out his application or get a job. My brother was the same way at my house. If he could sit at home all day playing video games and watching youtube videos while other people fed him he would do nothing. My dad gave him a cutoff date, he got mad and went with my mom, and a few months later he enlisted in the navy because my mom wasnt going to let him mooch either.

Smrtnik

Enigmedic wrote: »

Even if you have internet, change the wifi password. Take the hardwires and sell them. If he asks tell him to go fill out his application or get a job. My brother was the same way at my house. If he could sit at home all day playing video games and watching youtube videos while other people fed him he would do nothing. My dad gave him a cutoff date, he got mad and went with my mom, and a few months later he enlisted in the navy because my mom wasnt going to let him mooch either.

Oh man to be a fly on the wall of that drill sergeant

HappylilElf

Smrtnik wrote: »

Enigmedic wrote: »

Even if you have internet, change the wifi password. Take the hardwires and sell them. If he asks tell him to go fill out his application or get a job. My brother was the same way at my house. If he could sit at home all day playing video games and watching youtube videos while other people fed him he would do nothing. My dad gave him a cutoff date, he got mad and went with my mom, and a few months later he enlisted in the navy because my mom wasnt going to let him mooch either.

Oh man to be a fly on the wall of thattwo buildings away from that drill sergeant

ceres

Satanic Jesus wrote: »

I do buy his food and pay the bills. I wish I could cut off the bills, I wanted to not renew the internet because I could happily just use the hotspot on my phone, but he persuaded me to, and now I'm stuck in a year long contract. I won't make that mistake again. Also, he claims to be stealing from the supermarket and I'm worried that if I stop buying him food, he'll just steal more and get caught. My sister and I have already agreed that if he really is stealing and gets caught, we won't pay his bail.

...This is pretty mean I guess, but.. is there any reason this is an inherently bad thing? I mean, he is rubbing this in your face so hard that right now I'm in awe that you are such a good person that you haven't slipped the customer service department a picture and a "maybe watch out for this guy." Letting him experience some consequences for his behavior might help him out a lot, and if he went to jail he wouldn't be living there and eating your food and clogging up your plumbing so.. you know, two birds.

Serpent

I second ceres.

Enabling someone's bad behaviour can create bigger consequences down the line rather than letting them learn/deal/grow from the consequences now.

zepherin

ceres wrote: »

Satanic Jesus wrote: »

I do buy his food and pay the bills. I wish I could cut off the bills, I wanted to not renew the internet because I could happily just use the hotspot on my phone, but he persuaded me to, and now I'm stuck in a year long contract. I won't make that mistake again. Also, he claims to be stealing from the supermarket and I'm worried that if I stop buying him food, he'll just steal more and get caught. My sister and I have already agreed that if he really is stealing and gets caught, we won't pay his bail.

...This is pretty mean I guess, but.. is there any reason this is an inherently bad thing? I mean, he is rubbing this in your face so hard that right now I'm in awe that you are such a good person that you haven't slipped the customer service department a picture and a "maybe watch out for this guy." Letting him experience some consequences for his behavior might help him out a lot, and if he went to jail he wouldn't be living there and eating your food and clogging up your plumbing so.. you know, two birds.

I agree with this, but many supermarkets are often loathe to arrest disabled shoplifters. The press is terrible if they don’t handle it correctly.

Bloodycow

Well, he's not 'technically' disabled as he never finished the paperwork

Quid

Smrtnik wrote: »

Enigmedic wrote: »

Even if you have internet, change the wifi password. Take the hardwires and sell them. If he asks tell him to go fill out his application or get a job. My brother was the same way at my house. If he could sit at home all day playing video games and watching youtube videos while other people fed him he would do nothing. My dad gave him a cutoff date, he got mad and went with my mom, and a few months later he enlisted in the navy because my mom wasnt going to let him mooch either.

Oh man to be a fly on the wall of that drill sergeant

1. We don't have drill sergeants, any sergeants at all really since our NCOs are all Petty Officers and Chiefs. We have Recruit Division Commanders, AKA RDCs.
2. "I was a lazy moocher, failed out of college, and needed a steady job" is something like 90% of Navy enlisted backstories.

Please return to your regularly scheduled H/A thread.

---

OP, your situation really sucks but in my opinion you've gone above and beyond what's normally expected of family. You are a seriously excellent person for doing as much as you have. It's not pleasant, but sometimes you have to let family, especially toxic family, fail on their own. It can feel like betrayal but the reality is you're currently in an extremely one sided relationship with your brother which is not at all fair to you.

Smrtnik

@Quid my Navy experience is entirely with submariners who are all professional af so it's that's the starting point then that's very impressive

Enigmedic

Smrtnik wrote: »

@Quid my Navy experience is entirely with submariners who are all professional af so it's that's the starting point then that's very impressive

starting to get off topic for this post, but my brother was the moocher that ended up on a sub so who knows. He's still a fuck up. i mean he got out of the navy as intel, went to school but probably got kicked out, then rejoined into the army as field artillery...

ceres

So someone straps him onto a tank and fires him at the enemy and then he lands on their couch watching TV, refusing to take the trash out or even bring the dishes to the sink while complaining that basic cable sucks until they surrender

Ketar

We usually try to at least pretend to adhere to the Geneva Convention, ceres. Gosh.