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man I see my therapist a lot more than you guys do
I'm all self-conscious now
edit: I do have insurance that covers them tho so I won that lottery
If it helps, I see my therapist every two weeks right now.
For a few years, it was about every six months.
When I first saw her, it was either every two weeks or every week, I can't find records.
Needs change!
Lately, part of it is deeper stuff since I've finally hit a point in my life to work on it, some of it is basically neurodivergent outlet / coaching. I've been working with her for almost a decade, both insured and self-pay. It's absolutely a privilege to afford the help I need, but it is a need.
Every mental health professional I've had multiple interactions with has said I'm very self-aware and insightful. But almost all of them have their own therapists, because life can be hard. So every time I tried bootstrapping myself into better mental health, I was feeding from a toxic narrative of self-sufficiency, and deepening the trauma of denying myself.
To keep myself on track, I will probably need regular outside help my entire life to some degree or another, and that's okay. I'm supposed to get a physical yearly, why should mental health be an exception?
I'm glad that now I can pay my therapist at a higher rate to help those lower on the sliding scale. Everyone deserves help, and she deserves a living wage.
If you're concerned that you're taking resources unfairly, you're not.
American culture shames us for needing, requesting, and obtaining help, and forces us to minimize ourselves and our desires. The result is shaping our expectations to eventually accept only the resources that corporations are willing to spare to keep us functioning within their machinery. That's no way to live.
Getting your needs met is not greed, entitlement, or cheating.
We live in a goddamn society, and the whole point of a healthy society is that a community sustains and is sustained by individuals.
I speak from some authority on experiencing 'true' need, and as a subject of government care. My bona fides: I've been on food stamps as a kid, and lived in public housing. I've experienced financial, food, and housing insecurity. I was a middle/upper middle class military brat; the perks come at a cost. I'm Choctaw, so I've never technically been without free tribal medical care while living in Oklahoma, but back in the day, I would've needed a car and time to drive sometimes 3+ hours to reach our lands. So throw medical insecurity on that list.
Hardship has colored my life in different ways, but what matters here is this.
If it turns out you truly don't need a given discount or mutual aid, just pay it forward. If you feel you were too hasty and took advantage of a good thing, that's okay, you know better now. If nothing else, you needed help getting context for what help you do need.
Anyone judging you for accepting help is an asshole and doesn't deserve your time or consideration.
This includes yourself. You're allowed to be an asshole, but don't let some jerk roadblock an easier brain.
It's not about deserving help or not, that is baseline humanity. Everyone deserves help. Whatever lies your brain whispers, that's the truth.
The goal is to thrive, not just survive, and sometimes that means taking an extra helping. In turn, share when you can without hurting yourself. We are all stronger for it.
man I see my therapist a lot more than you guys do
I'm all self-conscious now
edit: I do have insurance that covers them tho so I won that lottery
Yeah, like, things are just genuinely really good for me at the moment and I'm happier than I've probably been since like, high school? So my needs are pretty much just maintenance and working through one core issue and also insomnia (but I'm about to be going to a provincial psychologist for that through the hospital which means it's freeeee)
I've definitely needed to see pros for higher frequencies but a lot of my depression and anxiety are event-driven, and I've thankfully been on a lucky streak this year where it hasn't been necessary
My wife and i have been together 20 years now. She was my first girlfriend right out of highschool. I have no idea what the one feels like but we love each other and neither of us ever felt like leaving so here we are. Even after 20 years though we still have to put in the work. Still have to talk about things and work on ourselves and the relationship. It gets easier over time but it never really gets easy.
I just broke up with a person I loved. It was only a few months, and it was a poly relationship. I was their fourth partner. When I started dating them I expressed some anxiety at that many partners, but they assured me they weren't looking for anymore. But recently they started dating several more partners, and hit 8 total and we had a fight. I asked them to promise not to take any other partners on, but they refused. I... don't even know how you have functional relationships with eight different partners. That's hurting a lot right now.
My partner joined my family for a birthday dinner for me tonight and it was just so tremendously wholesome to have the whole gang together, including my sister and her husband, too
It's nice to have someone who fits in pretty well and isn't turned off by how ah, lively, we can get in direct interactions (and is actually able to play off that energy pretty well, too)
I just broke up with a person I loved. It was only a few months, and it was a poly relationship. I was their fourth partner. When I started dating them I expressed some anxiety at that many partners, but they assured me they weren't looking for anymore. But recently they started dating several more partners, and hit 8 total and we had a fight. I asked them to promise not to take any other partners on, but they refused. I... don't even know how you have functional relationships with eight different partners. That's hurting a lot right now.
I don't understand poly people. It's hard enough to stay on top of a relationship with one person. How (and why) anyone can maintain a meaningful relationship with more people I don't understand. Not to mention how messy things would get once kids get involved/born.
Quite frankly, it always felt like rampant selfishness to me.
[Expletive deleted] on
Sic transit gloria mundi.
0
DepressperadoI just wanted to see you laughingin the pizza rainRegistered Userregular
don't write it off entirely!
it's not for you, or even me, but I know several polycules that like, they all love each other and they share the emotional load between them
I also know a couple that's mostly one person in the relationship decided they wanted it to be poly so they could collect 'em all.
one of the sturdiest relationships I know is a thruple, and that's because the triangle is the strongest shape in nature
there are definitely certain combinations of multi-person relationships that I can imagine work just fine, but "I'm dating 3 people, now I'm dating 4 but I'm cutting it off there, oops now I'm dating 8 people" over the course of a few months doesn't sound like polyamory, it sounds like they want to date around with no real commitment and don't know how to/don't want to be honest with the people around them
For me, it kept me present. It helped me have a more balanced life, and I think I was a better partner for it.
I got to express different parts of my personality and shared interests because of the people I was with, and I had to stay responsive to them because they were such different people. Having multiple romances just used more of me in a revitalizing sense. The way my brain works, it was so much easier for me to exert focus and be aware of my capacity because I was never taking it for granted that I would have this person available to interact with, so when I did, I was fully engaged. And since I wanted to be fully engaged with whoever I was with, it made me better at guarding my energy, so I took more time to myself when I needed it.
...It feels really judgmental to assert that polyamory is any more selfish than monogamy, much less inherently more difficult or unhealthy. (Putting aside healthy vs unhealthy selfishness.) People are selfish because of the choices they make in how they interact, not in who they interact with; a cheater isn't selfish because they go outside their relationship, they're selfish because they do so without consent from their partner.
It's all about how you go about a relationship and the people involved, not the format or number. The biggest interpersonal hurdle is being able to make time to create the relationship everyone involved wants, which is work for any relationship -- romantic, platonic, work, familial, whatever.
And not everyone comes from traditions dictating het-coded and monotheistic expectations for long-term relationships which put child rearing solely on parents, so navigating how to explain 'family' is much less fraught. How do you deal with divorce and remarriage? Adoption? Your surrounding culture is going to have an impact on how your little unit integrates, but that's true of any trait that makes one align or differ from the norm.
Your feelings are your feelings. But if you don't understand poly people, that seems to be a result of assumptions more than lived experience.
+9
QuetziHere we may reign secure, and in my choice,To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User, Moderatormod
From a mostly outsider's perspective, but as someone who is friends with quite a few polyam folks, I do think there is like... degrees of being polyamorous, or polyamory being used to categorize multiple different conceptual spaces that different people are in with dating and relationships.
That is to say, there's a difference between a throuple, a polyamorous couple who each has one other committed relationship (which probably spiderwebs out from there), a couple whose members occasionally go on dates with and/or sleep with other people, a person dating four people but three of them are long distance, or a person who is currently dating eight people. All of those can be perfectly healthy relationships, but they're not necessarily the same thing for everyone. I don't think that's a problem, I think that's just something you need to figure out in your relationship, just like communication styles or what size objects you like to have in your butt.
Yeah, that seems like a... bizarrely personal reaction for a thing you claim not to understand.
Like, I also cannot imagine trying to give the kind of attention I give to my wife to additional people, or balancing expectations beyond what we already have, but that just means polyamory is Not For Me tee-em, and that's about where my assessment ends.
My partner and I are coming up on twenty years of couplehood, and I have long phrased my romantic orientation as choosing him, not monogamy. He is monogamous, and while I might be happier practicing some form of poly lifestyle, at our respective emotional journeys This Is Good Enough. Much like being queer in a het-coded relationship, it's just part of me; I am not deprived by its lack of expression, but I've seen myself in different lights, y'know?
I also can't really say much since I haven't been in a real relationship for almost a decade now, so even going from 0 to 1 partners, should it ever happen, is going to be a huge adjustment
there are definitely certain combinations of multi-person relationships that I can imagine work just fine, but "I'm dating 3 people, now I'm dating 4 but I'm cutting it off there, oops now I'm dating 8 people" over the course of a few months doesn't sound like polyamory, it sounds like they want to date around with no real commitment and don't know how to/don't want to be honest with the people around them
From a mostly outsider's perspective, but as someone who is friends with quite a few polyam folks, I do think there is like... degrees of being polyamorous, or polyamory being used to categorize multiple different conceptual spaces that different people are in with dating and relationships.
That is to say, there's a difference between a throuple, a polyamorous couple who each has one other committed relationship (which probably spiderwebs out from there), a couple whose members occasionally go on dates with and/or sleep with other people, a person dating four people but three of them are long distance, or a person who is currently dating eight people. All of those can be perfectly healthy relationships, but they're not necessarily the same thing for everyone. I don't think that's a problem, I think that's just something you need to figure out in your relationship, just like communication styles or what size objects you like to have in your butt.
'Polyamory' does a lot of lifting for, as you say, multiple different conceptual spaces, and I'm not having it.
Somewhat tongue in cheek, I am willing to gatekeep 'polyamory' to refer to long-term, non strictly monogamous relationships simply because it's useful to differentiate between that and just dating around.
But given the valuation in our culture of marriage etc as symbolic of responsibility and success, I get why some people glom onto the version closest to their wants or practices. (Again, ignoring players and cheaters who just want a cover or validation for shadiness.) 'Dating around' is not seen as respectable even when you go about it in an honest and sincere manner, because for many people, it's a means to an end rather than an end to itself, a liminal space or phase on the way to a 'real' relationship. Which means by inference, when dating casually, you're just dallying around in the shallow end of the pool -- either shallow yourself or just in wait of the right person to make you (some version of) monogamous. Not a good feeling, so people end up dishonest with themselves or others in avoiding the label.
And yeah, communication! I just wish that we valued honesty more in setting and sharing expectations. It seems that sexuality (orientation and drive), intimacy, and romanticism are all separate spectrums, and relationships span them -- some people are gonna be happiest and healthiest single, some seeing multiple different people casually or polyamorously, some in static partnerships, and some a frankened version thereof. There'd still be problems because humans gonna human, but it's a healthier baseline to assume difference, I think. There does seem to be greater cultural awareness and acceptance of nonstereotypical ways of being generally, and less strict adherence to labels.
+1
Raijin QuickfootI'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPAregular
I just let people do what they want to do. I don’t always fully understand it and sometimes it sounds hella messy but that’s not my business.
there are definitely certain combinations of multi-person relationships that I can imagine work just fine, but "I'm dating 3 people, now I'm dating 4 but I'm cutting it off there, oops now I'm dating 8 people" over the course of a few months doesn't sound like polyamory, it sounds like they want to date around with no real commitment and don't know how to/don't want to be honest with the people around them
From a mostly outsider's perspective, but as someone who is friends with quite a few polyam folks, I do think there is like... degrees of being polyamorous, or polyamory being used to categorize multiple different conceptual spaces that different people are in with dating and relationships.
That is to say, there's a difference between a throuple, a polyamorous couple who each has one other committed relationship (which probably spiderwebs out from there), a couple whose members occasionally go on dates with and/or sleep with other people, a person dating four people but three of them are long distance, or a person who is currently dating eight people. All of those can be perfectly healthy relationships, but they're not necessarily the same thing for everyone. I don't think that's a problem, I think that's just something you need to figure out in your relationship, just like communication styles or what size objects you like to have in your butt.
'Polyamory' does a lot of lifting for, as you say, multiple different conceptual spaces, and I'm not having it.
Somewhat tongue in cheek, I am willing to gatekeep 'polyamory' to refer to long-term, non strictly monogamous relationships simply because it's useful to differentiate between that and just dating around.
But given the valuation in our culture of marriage etc as symbolic of responsibility and success, I get why some people glom onto the version closest to their wants or practices. (Again, ignoring players and cheaters who just want a cover or validation for shadiness.) 'Dating around' is not seen as respectable even when you go about it in an honest and sincere manner, because for many people, it's a means to an end rather than an end to itself, a liminal space or phase on the way to a 'real' relationship. Which means by inference, when dating casually, you're just dallying around in the shallow end of the pool -- either shallow yourself or just in wait of the right person to make you (some version of) monogamous. Not a good feeling, so people end up dishonest with themselves or others in avoiding the label.
And yeah, communication! I just wish that we valued honesty more in setting and sharing expectations. It seems that sexuality (orientation and drive), intimacy, and romanticism are all separate spectrums, and relationships span them -- some people are gonna be happiest and healthiest single, some seeing multiple different people casually or polyamorously, some in static partnerships, and some a frankened version thereof. There'd still be problems because humans gonna human, but it's a healthier baseline to assume difference, I think. There does seem to be greater cultural awareness and acceptance of nonstereotypical ways of being generally, and less strict adherence to labels.
yeah this is all fair. for my part, I'm less annoyed at the idea of dating around, which as you point out is totally fine to do on its own regardless of future goals or whatever, and more by the whole lack of communication thing, especially when it's something the other person specifically said they were uncomfortable with. I'm probably being unfair in assuming they're using polyamory as an excuse to just do whatever they want with regard for the other folks involved, but such is life as a hater on the internet
Well, I was agreeing with you at least regarding Iblis' ex and making the same assumption, so I guess we're both haters?
I'm trying to use this as a jumping point rather than intrusively seek / assert further info, but like you said, there were clearly stated boundaries that were then crossed. Whatever the motivation or societal perception of their choices and lifestyle, that other person did a bad job at being a partner in the context of respecting boundaries, and that is partly a communication issue. I'd put it more on maturity, self-awareness & honesty with self and others, and a lack in those somewhere driving inadequate communication.
Nattering, I know, I think about this stuff a lot, human psychology being a long-term special interest. Part of why I think about going into social work.
+3
DepressperadoI just wanted to see you laughingin the pizza rainRegistered Userregular
how long are you allowed to see more than one person at the same time?
this is hypothetical, I can't even see one person.
back in the day, I was kind of a slut though. unless we had a firm like, "this is a Relationship now" talk, I'd still try and get w/ other cuties, I'd be talking to several people because I crave validation and affection
0
DepressperadoI just wanted to see you laughingin the pizza rainRegistered Userregular
Samesies!
My take on it is that if there is no statement of commitment or discussion about status, you are free to do whatever you like with your time apart from each other, including dating.
That said, I've dated people who thought we were monogamous, and clearing that up is a conversation almost guaranteed to hurt feelings.
how long are you allowed to see more than one person at the same time?
this is hypothetical, I can't even see one person.
back in the day, I was kind of a slut though. unless we had a firm like, "this is a Relationship now" talk, I'd still try and get w/ other cuties, I'd be talking to several people because I crave validation and affection
As long as everyone involved is informed and consenting, as long as you want?
I think I don't understand the question.
Being a slut is okay as long as everyone's safe, gossipy side-eyes aside. (See above re: dating around.)
Culturally, if you're rich or attractive, famous, and especially male, you can 'get away with' being ostensibly single your whole life, sifting through potential mates leisurely with some admiration since you're such a good catch. Us normies are generally allowed such youthful indiscretions in our 20s and then maybe a midlife indulgence as divorcees. All of which is just weird baggage that no one needs to carry.
I think our cohort just have a tendency to coast on vibes during those times instead of setting expectations or communicating in an ongoing manner. And that allows for assumptions based on societal messaging and internal hopes & expectations to stay front of mind, and that more often leads to catching feelings or broken hearts. (e: as chromdom says. I didn't refresh before posting )
A reasonable standard for me in being 'safe' in relationships is living in a self-aware way that has me taking ownership of my choices and trying to do better by myself and others. Part of that is respecting others' autonomy and recognizing that using them to fulfill my needs isn't unfair selfishness nor an obligation on them. Good relationships are give and take, finding some kind of balance (even one night stands.)
And physical safety, well, that's also consent, and protection from transmissible disease and pregnancy as appropriate.
Like hiking, take nothing but memories, leave nothing but footprints. Metaphorically speaking.
If you have higher needs than one person can fulfill and you resolve that by getting sexual etc attention from multiple people, I don't see a problem with that -- as long as everyone is on board, and you're taking reasonable measures to make yourself whole and not solely relying on that outside validation. Hard to give back if you're only taking.
2e: None of this is to say that I execute on these particularly well or consistently, it's just the goal!
there are definitely certain combinations of multi-person relationships that I can imagine work just fine, but "I'm dating 3 people, now I'm dating 4 but I'm cutting it off there, oops now I'm dating 8 people" over the course of a few months doesn't sound like polyamory, it sounds like they want to date around with no real commitment and don't know how to/don't want to be honest with the people around them
(edited to soften the language a bit)
It's been... a week for me, but yeah, basically they had said they might wanna start dating their ex-fiance again if they mended that relationship, and I was okay with that. But then three more aside from that was... infuriating. When I was confronting them about it and specifically when I asked them to promise me not to take on any more partners, their response was "I promise not to pursue anyone else. But if someone happens to pursue me, now I don't see this happening, but if someone pursues me specifically, I will make sure to ask my partners if that's okay. ...Well, I'll inform them about the situation anyway."
And my response was that was so open and easy that it was basically meaningless. And they said that was the best they could do, they "don't deal in absolutes."
Currently it's been hurting a lot and I am missing them, but been trying to focus on building relationships with other people.
yeah we obviously don't know the full situation but based on that they just sound kind of selfish and immature. "I know it would hurt you if I did this thing, but the best I can do is promise to tell you when I do this thing" and the implication that they're not responsible if someone pursues them and they're receptive to it is a super crappy combination of moves to pull
And my response was that was so open and easy that it was basically meaningless. And they said that was the best they could do, they "don't deal in absolutes."
Posts
If it helps, I see my therapist every two weeks right now.
For a few years, it was about every six months.
When I first saw her, it was either every two weeks or every week, I can't find records.
Needs change!
Every mental health professional I've had multiple interactions with has said I'm very self-aware and insightful. But almost all of them have their own therapists, because life can be hard. So every time I tried bootstrapping myself into better mental health, I was feeding from a toxic narrative of self-sufficiency, and deepening the trauma of denying myself.
To keep myself on track, I will probably need regular outside help my entire life to some degree or another, and that's okay. I'm supposed to get a physical yearly, why should mental health be an exception?
I'm glad that now I can pay my therapist at a higher rate to help those lower on the sliding scale. Everyone deserves help, and she deserves a living wage.
If you're concerned that you're taking resources unfairly, you're not.
Getting your needs met is not greed, entitlement, or cheating.
We live in a goddamn society, and the whole point of a healthy society is that a community sustains and is sustained by individuals.
I speak from some authority on experiencing 'true' need, and as a subject of government care. My bona fides: I've been on food stamps as a kid, and lived in public housing. I've experienced financial, food, and housing insecurity. I was a middle/upper middle class military brat; the perks come at a cost. I'm Choctaw, so I've never technically been without free tribal medical care while living in Oklahoma, but back in the day, I would've needed a car and time to drive sometimes 3+ hours to reach our lands. So throw medical insecurity on that list.
Hardship has colored my life in different ways, but what matters here is this.
If it turns out you truly don't need a given discount or mutual aid, just pay it forward. If you feel you were too hasty and took advantage of a good thing, that's okay, you know better now. If nothing else, you needed help getting context for what help you do need.
Anyone judging you for accepting help is an asshole and doesn't deserve your time or consideration.
This includes yourself. You're allowed to be an asshole, but don't let some jerk roadblock an easier brain.
It's not about deserving help or not, that is baseline humanity. Everyone deserves help. Whatever lies your brain whispers, that's the truth.
The goal is to thrive, not just survive, and sometimes that means taking an extra helping. In turn, share when you can without hurting yourself. We are all stronger for it.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Yeah, like, things are just genuinely really good for me at the moment and I'm happier than I've probably been since like, high school? So my needs are pretty much just maintenance and working through one core issue and also insomnia (but I'm about to be going to a provincial psychologist for that through the hospital which means it's freeeee)
I've definitely needed to see pros for higher frequencies but a lot of my depression and anxiety are event-driven, and I've thankfully been on a lucky streak this year where it hasn't been necessary
3DS Friend Code: 0216-0898-6512
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It's nice to have someone who fits in pretty well and isn't turned off by how ah, lively, we can get in direct interactions (and is actually able to play off that energy pretty well, too)
3DS Friend Code: 0216-0898-6512
Switch Friend Code: SW-7437-1538-7786
I don't understand poly people. It's hard enough to stay on top of a relationship with one person. How (and why) anyone can maintain a meaningful relationship with more people I don't understand. Not to mention how messy things would get once kids get involved/born.
Quite frankly, it always felt like rampant selfishness to me.
it's not for you, or even me, but I know several polycules that like, they all love each other and they share the emotional load between them
I also know a couple that's mostly one person in the relationship decided they wanted it to be poly so they could collect 'em all.
one of the sturdiest relationships I know is a thruple, and that's because the triangle is the strongest shape in nature
(edited to soften the language a bit)
I got to express different parts of my personality and shared interests because of the people I was with, and I had to stay responsive to them because they were such different people. Having multiple romances just used more of me in a revitalizing sense. The way my brain works, it was so much easier for me to exert focus and be aware of my capacity because I was never taking it for granted that I would have this person available to interact with, so when I did, I was fully engaged. And since I wanted to be fully engaged with whoever I was with, it made me better at guarding my energy, so I took more time to myself when I needed it.
...It feels really judgmental to assert that polyamory is any more selfish than monogamy, much less inherently more difficult or unhealthy. (Putting aside healthy vs unhealthy selfishness.) People are selfish because of the choices they make in how they interact, not in who they interact with; a cheater isn't selfish because they go outside their relationship, they're selfish because they do so without consent from their partner.
It's all about how you go about a relationship and the people involved, not the format or number. The biggest interpersonal hurdle is being able to make time to create the relationship everyone involved wants, which is work for any relationship -- romantic, platonic, work, familial, whatever.
And not everyone comes from traditions dictating het-coded and monotheistic expectations for long-term relationships which put child rearing solely on parents, so navigating how to explain 'family' is much less fraught. How do you deal with divorce and remarriage? Adoption? Your surrounding culture is going to have an impact on how your little unit integrates, but that's true of any trait that makes one align or differ from the norm.
Your feelings are your feelings. But if you don't understand poly people, that seems to be a result of assumptions more than lived experience.
That is to say, there's a difference between a throuple, a polyamorous couple who each has one other committed relationship (which probably spiderwebs out from there), a couple whose members occasionally go on dates with and/or sleep with other people, a person dating four people but three of them are long distance, or a person who is currently dating eight people. All of those can be perfectly healthy relationships, but they're not necessarily the same thing for everyone. I don't think that's a problem, I think that's just something you need to figure out in your relationship, just like communication styles or what size objects you like to have in your butt.
Like, I also cannot imagine trying to give the kind of attention I give to my wife to additional people, or balancing expectations beyond what we already have, but that just means polyamory is Not For Me tee-em, and that's about where my assessment ends.
Somewhat tongue in cheek, I am willing to gatekeep 'polyamory' to refer to long-term, non strictly monogamous relationships simply because it's useful to differentiate between that and just dating around.
But given the valuation in our culture of marriage etc as symbolic of responsibility and success, I get why some people glom onto the version closest to their wants or practices. (Again, ignoring players and cheaters who just want a cover or validation for shadiness.) 'Dating around' is not seen as respectable even when you go about it in an honest and sincere manner, because for many people, it's a means to an end rather than an end to itself, a liminal space or phase on the way to a 'real' relationship. Which means by inference, when dating casually, you're just dallying around in the shallow end of the pool -- either shallow yourself or just in wait of the right person to make you (some version of) monogamous. Not a good feeling, so people end up dishonest with themselves or others in avoiding the label.
And yeah, communication! I just wish that we valued honesty more in setting and sharing expectations. It seems that sexuality (orientation and drive), intimacy, and romanticism are all separate spectrums, and relationships span them -- some people are gonna be happiest and healthiest single, some seeing multiple different people casually or polyamorously, some in static partnerships, and some a frankened version thereof. There'd still be problems because humans gonna human, but it's a healthier baseline to assume difference, I think. There does seem to be greater cultural awareness and acceptance of nonstereotypical ways of being generally, and less strict adherence to labels.
yeah this is all fair. for my part, I'm less annoyed at the idea of dating around, which as you point out is totally fine to do on its own regardless of future goals or whatever, and more by the whole lack of communication thing, especially when it's something the other person specifically said they were uncomfortable with. I'm probably being unfair in assuming they're using polyamory as an excuse to just do whatever they want with regard for the other folks involved, but such is life as a hater on the internet
I'm trying to use this as a jumping point rather than intrusively seek / assert further info, but like you said, there were clearly stated boundaries that were then crossed. Whatever the motivation or societal perception of their choices and lifestyle, that other person did a bad job at being a partner in the context of respecting boundaries, and that is partly a communication issue. I'd put it more on maturity, self-awareness & honesty with self and others, and a lack in those somewhere driving inadequate communication.
Nattering, I know, I think about this stuff a lot, human psychology being a long-term special interest. Part of why I think about going into social work.
this is hypothetical, I can't even see one person.
back in the day, I was kind of a slut though. unless we had a firm like, "this is a Relationship now" talk, I'd still try and get w/ other cuties, I'd be talking to several people because I crave validation and affection
My take on it is that if there is no statement of commitment or discussion about status, you are free to do whatever you like with your time apart from each other, including dating.
That said, I've dated people who thought we were monogamous, and clearing that up is a conversation almost guaranteed to hurt feelings.
I think I don't understand the question.
Culturally, if you're rich or attractive, famous, and especially male, you can 'get away with' being ostensibly single your whole life, sifting through potential mates leisurely with some admiration since you're such a good catch. Us normies are generally allowed such youthful indiscretions in our 20s and then maybe a midlife indulgence as divorcees. All of which is just weird baggage that no one needs to carry.
I think our cohort just have a tendency to coast on vibes during those times instead of setting expectations or communicating in an ongoing manner. And that allows for assumptions based on societal messaging and internal hopes & expectations to stay front of mind, and that more often leads to catching feelings or broken hearts. (e: as chromdom says. I didn't refresh before posting
A reasonable standard for me in being 'safe' in relationships is living in a self-aware way that has me taking ownership of my choices and trying to do better by myself and others. Part of that is respecting others' autonomy and recognizing that using them to fulfill my needs isn't unfair selfishness nor an obligation on them. Good relationships are give and take, finding some kind of balance (even one night stands.)
And physical safety, well, that's also consent, and protection from transmissible disease and pregnancy as appropriate.
Like hiking, take nothing but memories, leave nothing but footprints. Metaphorically speaking.
If you have higher needs than one person can fulfill and you resolve that by getting sexual etc attention from multiple people, I don't see a problem with that -- as long as everyone is on board, and you're taking reasonable measures to make yourself whole and not solely relying on that outside validation. Hard to give back if you're only taking.
2e: None of this is to say that I execute on these particularly well or consistently, it's just the goal!
I've now spread white paint on the bottoms of my feet left footprints all over your walls and ceiling.
It's been... a week for me, but yeah, basically they had said they might wanna start dating their ex-fiance again if they mended that relationship, and I was okay with that. But then three more aside from that was... infuriating. When I was confronting them about it and specifically when I asked them to promise me not to take on any more partners, their response was "I promise not to pursue anyone else. But if someone happens to pursue me, now I don't see this happening, but if someone pursues me specifically, I will make sure to ask my partners if that's okay. ...Well, I'll inform them about the situation anyway."
And my response was that was so open and easy that it was basically meaningless. And they said that was the best they could do, they "don't deal in absolutes."
Currently it's been hurting a lot and I am missing them, but been trying to focus on building relationships with other people.
My partner and his sister had described him as being like my dad, but with a little less chaos and more anxiety
And well
Honestly I'm afraid they're going to get along too well
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I was like "it's been like a decade, can we chill on this please."
I did love her a little bit, once.
that kind of love where it's like, we're friends, but there's some tension and hungry gazes and we bonded over how terrible her boyfriend was.
it was addict love though, that never lasts.