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How would YOU handle this?
cowmeet
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
RE-WRITTEN:
I slept with my best friends girlfriend, "Sarah". I told my best friend (matt) and he said he's still friends with me, spilled my guts out to matt about how much I regret it and so forth (which I do, fuck I would do anything to change what I did). I still want to remain friends with both of them, and make sure they are both happy, have some feelings for Sarah, and they have been on the edge of breaking up for almost 2 years, been together 4. It's hard to believe he still wants to be friends. @ of my other friends said I would have been knocked out right after I told them.
And yes, matt is a lot more dissapointed in his GF, and from what ive heard, i'm not really a big deal in the situation, because it could have been any guy, it's the fact Sarah cheated on him.
Ive talked to Sarah and she said she was going to tell him, she didn't talk to me for about half a week, and we just started talking. I havn't talked to matt yet, but I really want to to sort some things out, friendship things and how he really feels. Also, I really don't know how she feels.
What i'm wondering is do you think it's farfetched to think i'll still remain GOOD friends with both of them or not.
And what ive come to realize is that ive pretty much figured this out by re-writing this, ill just have to talk to both of them and see what happens.
Right now, if sarah wanted to do something with me, whether it be friends or something more, id have to decide between her and one of my best friends.
I slept with my best friends girlfriend, "Sarah". I told my best friend (matt) and he said he's still friends with me, spilled my guts out to matt about how much I regret it and so forth (which I do, fuck I would do anything to change what I did). I still want to remain friends with both of them, and make sure they are both happy, have some feelings for Sarah, and they have been on the edge of breaking up for almost 2 years, been together 4. It's hard to believe he still wants to be friends. @ of my other friends said I would have been knocked out right after I told them.
And yes, matt is a lot more dissapointed in his GF, and from what ive heard, i'm not really a big deal in the situation, because it could have been any guy, it's the fact Sarah cheated on him.
Ive talked to Sarah and she said she was going to tell him, she didn't talk to me for about half a week, and we just started talking. I havn't talked to matt yet, but I really want to to sort some things out, friendship things and how he really feels. Also, I really don't know how she feels.
What i'm wondering is do you think it's farfetched to think i'll still remain GOOD friends with both of them or not.
And what ive come to realize is that ive pretty much figured this out by re-writing this, ill just have to talk to both of them and see what happens.
Right now, if sarah wanted to do something with me, whether it be friends or something more, id have to decide between her and one of my best friends.
cowmeet on
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Ok, did you really sleep with somebody?
You shouldn't do anything.
Hard Feelings. The end of friendships.
As "That guy who slept with his best friend's wife" lemme know when you want some real advice. Until then betting on the outcome of someone else's shit isn't cool.
Trust me.
-Robert E. Howard
Tower of the Elephant
Yes, I must know.
First step in this process is to stop trying to deflect blame. Your first loyalty is to your friend, period. You slept with his girlfriend. This is a hard truth, neighbour, but you have to own up to it. You have to look in the mirror and be able to know that you betrayed your best friend in the worst way possible.
You fucked your best friends significant other.
That's a bitter morsel, neighbour. Trust me, I know.
How old are you? How old are they? How do you know them? How long have you know them. I need more information.
EDIT - If you don't want to talk about this publically, feel free to PM me.
-Robert E. Howard
Tower of the Elephant
In the meantime... so... your friend isnt that mad at you for sleeping with his GF, and he is more mad with his GF? Is that right?
On the plus side, at least he's mad at the right person. (having said that, i know i personally would not be as forgiving) So at least he's still speaking with you. If you want to remain friends with him, then i believe you might still be able to. Personally i think you owe him bigtime, as you've invaded his trust, but i know theres plenty of forumers here who wouldnt agree with that.
Next you've got the GF. You still want to talk to her. Is that all you want? Is that all SHE wants? These are questions you both need to answer, before you become 'just friends'. Also, is she planning on leaving the boyfriend? Or is he going to dump her? (or has one of these things already happened?) If you both decide to hook up, consider the impact on your friend. One drunken mistake is one thing, taking his girlfriend away from him permanently is entirely another. I'm not saying thats what is happening, or what you want, but its something to think about. He may not be so quick to forgive if you make something of it. Dont forget he only has the facts as he sees them. I'm also not saying this is the wrong choice, that part is up to you.
tl;dr : If you want the girl, i dont think you'll be able to remain friends with the guy. Friends with both, maybe.
Ill check back in the morning, lots of thinking to do.
If you are so lucky as to get to make this choice, you choose your best friend.
If you're that lucky.
-Robert E. Howard
Tower of the Elephant
If I can, though, I would advise total loyalty to him, and complete seperation from her. Don't even talk to her beyond what is required to avoid social awkwardness in front of other people. But completely end all friendship/other stuff with the girl.
This will set you up to continue the important relationship with your friend if he is really willing, and cut off the dead wood.
In summary: let your emotions be subject to your intellect and do the smart/right thing- grow in loyalty to your friend. Best wishes!
I don't think he will ever trust you around any of his girlfriends ever again.
Seriously, if your friend is willing to forgive you, stick with him -- she cheated on him with you, what makes you think she won't do the same to you later on?
Forget her, be a better friend and fix this feeling in your mind so you can resist the temptation in future.
Every time I read that I just want to lay into the poster for a good few minutes. 'Mates before muff' and other wordings are no better. It's a retarded sentiment and utterly completely 100% pure MoroniteTM way of saying it which makes you sound like a grade A tosser. Would that advice apply to a friend vs wife, fiancee, anyone you were deeply in love with? Is it possible to have friendships which are strong specifically because they allow for the occasional crack created by love interests? Might it be an idea to judge each situation on its merits rather than some dickpole's idea of a rhyme?
...and ditto. So in the history of the world, nobody has ever just cheated once, huh? Boy I wish I were omniscient too. More to the point, why would she want a relationship with someone who (if not technically cheating) took the not-totally-ethical-route of sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend.
As for the OP, seems pretty obvious you still want this girl and are trying to work out which is more important to you, the friend or her. Until you've done that, I doubt anyone can tell you much of use, and when you've done that, you'll know the answer anyway.
Sorry to sound harsh - but you seem dangerously close to not learning anything from your mistake. If you honestly are best mates with this guys then there really shouldn't be a question here. You just back off the girl. If you're actually considering trying it on with this girl again, then
a) She os oh-so-special (who am I to judge... She did cheat on her last boyfriend though)
b) You are actually trying to get away with this AGAIN.
Take a long, hard look at the situation. I just get the impression from the way that this was writtten, that you're trying to convince yourself that you weren't as in the wrong as you were.
That's rubbish. It very much depends on specific circumstances.
Staying friends with Sarah is secondary. If you can repair things between best friend, hopefully as time goes by, you can judge if it would be weird to hang out with her again. Trying to befriend her after having slept with her and caused such drama might appear ungentlemanly and should be avoided until an appropriate amount of time has elapsed.
For us as uninvolved observers this is very much true. But he is the one she cheated on her BF with, and he still wants to be friends with the guy... to the point of really weighing in his options (girl he kinda likes, slept with, if things had been otherwise might be with... who cheated on her bf with her bf's best friend. Vs his best friend of however long).
Not saying she WILL cheat on the op if they got together, or even that she'd ever cheat on her current BF again if they stay together... but pursuing one in this situation is almost guaranteed to exclude the other.
My ex cheated on me, and I would not have been anywhere near as forgiving as the OP's friend, as I know in a situation like that, both make the choice... but I never want to see my ex's face again, and if she started hanging with another friend of mine (even without them having cheated on me) it would be INCREDIBLY awkward.... now imagine how bad that would be if it was the OP's friend suddenly walking into a bar seeing the OP and his ex hanging together... It'd be brutal.
As far as the don't date a cheater. They may not always be a cheater, but if I have to make a choice between a woman who knowingly cheated, and one who hasn't, it isn't that hard of a choice to make. It's like I may talk to a guy who admits to stealing shit, but I wouldn't leave anything expensive around him.
pleasepaypreacher.net
Chiiiilll winston.
No, I don't think it applies everytime, but a girl he has "some feelings for" isn't someone he's deeply in love with, isn't his wife, isn't his fiancee. I didn't say that stupid motto or whatever in that context so please don't extrapolate so far. It certainly does not apply in every situation but I think here that it's better to salvage the "best friend" relationship than some girl that he kinda likes.
That's a retardedly arbitrary point to hinge the decision on, just so you know. That's kind of what Fawkes is getting at with his remarks about people who say that shit needing a punch in the mouth. Particularly because they tend to make a concentrated effort to continue to beat the myth into others. It's as stupid as making the claim that anyone who hasn't cheated yet is eventually going to.
pleasepaypreacher.net
It's not difficult to make stupid choices either. Sometimes people do things that they know are wrong because they think it won't hurt anyone. And then sometimes, get this, they actually learn from their mistakes! Based on the kind of pseudo-logic you're using, you should totally only date cheaters because they the ones who are least likely to cheat on you since they've already fucked up that way and are less likely to repeat the mistake than girls who have never made it before. You're also branding any and all consequences surrounding the event null, the way you're talking it doesn't matter if she cheated on him because he was a controlling borderline-abusive fuckstick, she's still beneath you. Because clearly you've never done anything you knew was wrong before regardless of circumstances, m i rite? Seriously, "once a cheater, always a cheater" is too stupid to be help or advice, it's just a piece of poop that stupid monkeys like to throw around to reinforce to themselves that they're part of some sort of social unit. And all this talk of trust makes me wonder whether you even know what trust is, because it sounds like you think any girl who has ever cheated on a guy has already cheated on you. Trust is very personal, it doesn't work the way you're claiming it does.
Edit: In other words, "bros before hos" and "once a cheater always a cheater" are henceforth termed bad advice, now and forever, because they're stupid generalizations rather than actual help or advice.
And I don't understand why making a personal choice not to date someone who has cheated on someone is such a bad thing VC, but I don't want to take this any more off topic then it already is. You can date whoever you want, I prefer not to date women who have cheated on previous people they dated and caution others not to do the same. I can't see how that is bad advice considering personally knowing many guys who dated women who cheated and shockingly enough they got cheated on. I know anecdotes does not equal data, but I don't know many people who base their advice purely on data.
pleasepaypreacher.net
See, that's fine. Just be aware that by condensing the above into 'bros before hos' you are just making your advice look stupid and generally sticking a big IGNORE sign on your post.
Also, for a retarded generalisation of my own, 'bros before hos', 'once a cheater', etc type advice usually (not always) seems to be handed out by posters from the more teenage end of the spectrum rather than the older forum-goers. Might I humbly suggest that it's easier to be so judgemental when posters haven't the crows feet to have come across any morally clouded situations themselves, and that giving advice based on such lack of experience may not be a good thing.
And I haven't ever slept with my best friends girl, but I have been cheated on by a girl who was getting it on with a guy I knew (but not really friends with). and ...people do change. I remember being fairly bitter and just waiting for her to do the same thing to him so I could enjoy a bit of good old schadenfreude.
And she's still going out with him 2.5 years later.
People learn from mistakes and don't always repeat them --- but I still think it's a good idea to evaluate if she is sorry for what she did in that it hurt someone or if she doesn't really care, because I do think the attitude matters, and is a good indicator of if she'll do it again. (Obviously that can apply to guys too but I'm not going to do the he/she bullshit; it's hard to read).
My first thought right after I told him, was that ill never talk to her again, and I won't be as good of friends with matt as I was.
Right now I want to change that last part to still being good friends with him.
A lot of close my friends that know exactly what happened, and have talked to both parties say that matt is not mad at me at all. Even though he hasn't talked to me. (said we can chill later this week, so I dunno whats going to happen then). of course I feel like he should be incredibly mad at me as some of you have said, but ive found out that I could have been any guy, it doesn't matter that I'm his best friend which I guess is good.
I never really planned on going out with sarah, but she is nice to be around and a good friend, I might have dated her before she cheated, but not now. She does flirt with other guys in front of her boyfriend now, even with me, literally 5 feet away from matt, and during that ive looked at matt with the, "Dude control your girl" face, and he said "don't worry about it man".
So right now the next time I see matt, ill be driving because his car is fucked up, and im just going to pull over and man to man ask him whats going on.
Right now my main priority is staying friends with him, because that also leads to a whole new social area since we go to different schools, and we both know a ton of different people.
And I agree with Fawkes completely. "Bros before hos" is stupid and I want to slap people that use the phrase or any variant. The phrase, and the concept, are both obnoxious.
Anyway, you'll have to make a choice here, cowmeet. Figure out who you want more and go for it. I think it's a bit odd to say that you would have dated Sarah before she cheated with you.
I guess my ultimate advice is to...realign your moral philosophies. This whole situation is weird. Your expectancies are weird and the way Matt is acting is weird. I just don't get it.
pleasepaypreacher.net
I was going to suggest, also, that cowmeet watch his back. As VC said, he would just lie to his cheating "friend's" face and then go seek some advice from someone else. If Matt is being nice to cowmeet, it could be because he's trying to lull him into a false sense of security.
Then again, I am excessively paranoid.
I had a couple drinks before I told him what I did, just to soften up anything he might do, but he gave me a pat on the back and said "I appreciate it man".
Again, i'm 100% sure he will not resort to violence. He has been mad at his GF for 2 out of the 4 years they have been dating, and right now since I came out and told him on my own, and from what ive heard, i'm not a big deal in the situation.
Like I said, it could have been any guy.
But it was you.
Yes I know, those aren't my words, according to people that talked to matt about the situation they are his words. That's why i'm confused as to how the friendship will turn out.
The problem is that what you're describing here is a situation that defies normal human patterns of behavior. While you may be 100% sure of what Matt will do, I'm suggesting that you at least stay alert. The way Matt is acting is, my opinion, abnormal.
I will take the advice, but I won't fight back, the most ill do is try to reason with him.
pleasepaypreacher.net
This bout of paranoid delusion brought on by the western washington heat, and too much salt intake.
pleasepaypreacher.net
...and the Total Lack of Self Awareness oscar goes to...
Considering the circumstances, perhaps you should find a mirror and work on your 'Dude control yourself' face before you go having opinions about how this girl or your mate should behave.