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Should my GF move in with me?
Willeh Dee
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Iv asked my Girl friend to move in with me, shes 22 im 21, we've been dating 4 months, seeing each other pretty much non stop, shes just graduated and has a cushy job circa $80k (£40k, were British) a year, im still a student with one year left.
She lives about an hour away from her work by car, and costs about £8 a day to park it, my student house that im moving into is about 15 minutes away by public transport. Shes looking to move closer as it is, and being how I think this girls a bit special and shes told me she loves me and all that jazz, I thuoght fuck it, why not ask her to move in with me, it makes sense in my eyes.
If it works out it works out, we get along well and are living together with all the benefits this brings, if it doesn't, well then it probably wasn't going to anyway, however im fairly positive this ones a keeper, and the feeling is mutual (she canceled a few months traveling that she had booked for summer next year because of me)
She's a bit unsure, im seeking you guys's advice cause some of you here are allot more mature than me and my friends I can seek advice with. Sorry for the E/N thread.
She lives about an hour away from her work by car, and costs about £8 a day to park it, my student house that im moving into is about 15 minutes away by public transport. Shes looking to move closer as it is, and being how I think this girls a bit special and shes told me she loves me and all that jazz, I thuoght fuck it, why not ask her to move in with me, it makes sense in my eyes.
If it works out it works out, we get along well and are living together with all the benefits this brings, if it doesn't, well then it probably wasn't going to anyway, however im fairly positive this ones a keeper, and the feeling is mutual (she canceled a few months traveling that she had booked for summer next year because of me)
She's a bit unsure, im seeking you guys's advice cause some of you here are allot more mature than me and my friends I can seek advice with. Sorry for the E/N thread.
Willeh Dee on
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If you're confident that this one's going places then by all means ask her to move in at your place. Alternatively, have you thought about getting a place by your own together(I'm a UK student living with two other guys and I'm fairly sure that I wouldn't want to move in while my friends're here, not that they're rough or disruptive, just that I'd rather live with my girlfriend and no-one else. Clearly, this assumes that you're living with pals at your student place)?
Firstly, try to not make it a legally binding arrangement. I'm not sure if renting works the same in the UK as in the US, but if your girlfriend has to make any sort of commitment to the landlord to stay there a certain period of time, that could come back to bite you in the ass. For example, Joe and Beth decide they're in love and move in to a new apartment and sign a year's lease (commonly required in the US); things go south and they decide they can't stand each other after 5 months, but now they're locked into paying rent for that place for another 7 months. Bad situation.
Secondly, personal hygiene. Are you used to sharing living space with other people? Does your girlfriend have a habit of leaving hair in the sink and would that drive you crazy? Do you leave dirty dishes all over the place and is that going to gross her out? If the both of you are used to living with roommates this might not be a big deal, as I would imagine you would both know by now to keep your messes and icky habits to yourself and not intrude on other people's living space. If you're not, though, I would probably recommend not moving in together, because you'll probably be surprised at what sorts of little habits can get on other people's nerves. Having to share living space can kill your relationship in a week if you guys aren't used to dealing with that kind of stuff.
Thirdly, personal space. Sometimes you guys might want some time apart (for example, after an argument), but that's going to be tough if you live together. If you move in together, are you going to be able to find a place to retreat to when you need a place to cool off? If not, then I hope you guys never fight, because it could get awkward. I had a fight with my boyfriend once when we were living together in Seattle (we had been together for over 3 years at this point) and I just couldn't stand to be in the house anymore, but I didn't have anywhere to go to because I had just moved up and didn't know anyone else there, so I ended up sitting in my car, on the street, crying :P If that ever happens to either of you, you'll for sure regret moving in together.
There are lots of other little annoyances that could come out of living together. Are you a night owl while she's an early bird? That could get very annoying very quickly if you're disturbing her sleep at night and she's waking you up at the crack of dawn. Do you like the same types of music? Are you going to want to throttle her every time she blasts Spice Girls all over the house? Do either of you smoke? If you're not prepared to handle all sorts of conflicts that could arise just from all these little things and whatever other personality quirks, then you shouldn't move in together.
Anyway, long story short, there are lots of good reasons why you should never ever move in with any person of any gender, regardless of romantic attachment. On the other hand, you'll probably have to share a house with your wife (whoever she turns out to be), so you should move in together when the relationship gets really serious as a sort of trial run to see how well you'd rub along together. This early in the relationship, you're probably still experiencing the new-relationship moonglow, so it's probably not easy to judge whether she really is going to be the one. If you do decide to take the plunge, make sure to plan an escape route in case things don't work out as peachily as you expected.
Anyway, good luck with your girlfriend, I hope everything goes well
P.S. One good thing about living together is, if she's psycho, you'll find it out a lot quicker than you would have otherwise.
I saw that on the wall at Beverages and More.
― Marcus Aurelius
Path of Exile: themightypuck
if you feel it would be good for you then go for it, what's the worst that happens... you find she actually does your head in, or visa versa, and she moves out again.
edit/ i might add that i moved so happily because i was moving into her house unofficially, chipping in with bills, but not on any contracts, so we knew if it went tits up i could leave at any time.
Have her move in because you want her to live with you, and have her decide if she wants to move in or not based on the same.
Moving in (regardless of 4 months or 4 years) is a bad idea in relationship if it's done for no other reason than trying to shave off commute time.
The closeness to work should be a nice perk for something you both want to do... not the deciding factor.
If you're in off campus (student) housing, and she's looking to get an actual place... let her get the place... maybe in a few months YOU will be moving in with her in a real living space... just my two bits.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
It. Was. A. Bad. Idea.
And we had known each other for three years prior to that time.
My advice is no, nononononono, no, don't do it. Please.
...if you're a complete fucking idiot.
if you're going to be compatible, you'll be compatible now, if you're not... you won't
no? nothing has changed in the 3 years i've lived with my gf/wife... the same things that frustrated her about me are still there now, and visa versa... you just learn to live with them.
in my opinion nobody is every perfect and ready to live together, doesn't matter if it's two days or two years... you are who you are.
My advice: Get to know your girlfriend outside of a confined living space first. Like the layers of an onion, you want to discover things about her at a naturally progressive pace. In a closed living space, she will do things that annoy you (and you'll do things that annoy her). In this case, I think that you may discover things that, while not relationship-breaking after you know her longer, could right piss you off now. Your perceptions of her may change uncontrollably at this early stage.
Of course, I'm not your mother, let alone you. Do what you think will best enhance your relationship, or, y' know, make you happy.
FibreTip is right, nothing will change - you might find out things about each other that annoy you both, but those things aren't going to change whether you move in now or wait a year. If you like this girl as much as you do, then live together. HOWEVER, I would probably give it a few months before you're locked into anything (like signing a year-long lease together.) So have her come live with you and see if it works out. The worst that could happen is that you hate each other and end up splitting up, and guess what? If that's the case then you didn't waste a year and a half finding it out by "waiting until you were ready."
Anyway, I don't think it's wrong to advise caution, but it's not always a bad idea, either. A lot depends on chance, and a lot depends on the particular circumstances. People are going to give you both good and bad examples of what happens when you move in together, but which case is applicable to your situation is up for you to determine. The most important thing is to know and understand what you're getting into and the consequences of your decisions before you take the dive.
You need to be very confident about this.
See what happens if she stays at your place for a while. She doesn't have to give up her place immediately, just try it out as a living arrangement. That way, you'll find out if you drive each other nuts with little personal habits, etc. and there's no risk. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. She can go back to her place and it isn't even neccesarily the end of the relationship.
Moving in together is a significant step in any relationship and taking it on a whim or to save some commute time, rather than letting things progress naturally is asinine.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
to me... i didn't care about my personal space, i didn't need it, and it felt like it had a giant hole in it anyway... moving in with her was comfortable and easy.
i think it vastly depends on the people, their level of maturity, their mutual interests and all that jazz. I think it's a bit over the top to call it asinine... you could say the same about people who get engaged after 4 months, or people that move house because they felt like it one day, etc etc etc. To you it might be an asinine decision, but for some people it turns their life around and starts everything fresh and new and is the best decision they ever made.
I'm not saying it will be for the OP, but it's pretty lame to see everyone going on about how terrible it will be without even entertaining the idea that it might work... there's two sides to it. What is so terrible about moving together because of distance? For me to see my gf it cost me £40 a time to get the train, on top of £12 parking, on top of dinner, movie tickets, whatever else. I didn't have that kind of money, and neither of us wanted an online relationship, so we moved in together... didn't seem much of another option, i couldn't afford a place in london to live closer, so we gave it a go.
It can be done in a sensible way... when i moved i first stayed for a long weekend, then went back to my place for the week, then came for another weekend, then left for a week, then stayed the whole week, left for the weekend, stayed another week, left for the weekend, then started staying sporadically, going back home bit by bit, moving things as and when i needed them, until we'd merged the two life styles.
it doesn't have to be a train wreck
If you love this girl, and you want to stay with her forever - you might be better suited putting a ring on her finger than moving in together.
those "facts" mean little... says the french and germans it actually makes them better off, and "if it's limited to future spouse" it has no negative effect so *shrug* statistics are never a great way to judge things
i just wanted to add that it does also depend on how you feel about living together. My wife worked hard all day and got home late, I was working from home and studying, so it meant i could keep the hosue in order, and get dinners etc... we complimented each others lives, rather than detracting from it. neither of us had a show stopping social life, so it didn't change the way we hung out with friends or whatever either. If you're a guy who has to have his 4 horus of gaming/dvds or whatever and a drink with his friends every night or whatever and she's always out with the girls or whatever... you might end up stepping on each others toes.
i think people just take it too seriously, who gives a shit if it might mean that (according to the facts) seven years later you're of a higher risk of divorce? people divorce all the time, i have one single friend whos parents aren't divorced. If you divorce it's because the relationship wasn't right... not because seven years ago you lived together before you were married or whatever.
i've seen both sides.. i've seen a couple who kept their seperate houses for 2 years, then moved in together and broke up within 4 months, and i've seen the last few years of my own life... and know it damn sure worked for me.
Is what is best for her being in a stable and committed relationship?
Are you committing to be stable and, well, committed by moving in with her?
How is your idea of commitment there differing from if you were to just marry her?
Are you OK with that difference? Is she?
I wish you luck though and hope things work out for you.
Okay what
Are you disagreeing with this:
If you try it and it doesn't work out, your relationship probably won't survive it. Even if it does, things will be very different.
Or this:
Moving in together is a significant step in any relationship and taking it on a whim or to save some commute time, rather than letting things progress naturally is asinine.
Or this:
Seriously this is really just a fantastic way to complicate your life unnecessarily, for the sake of commute time. Think about that.
Because the first is pretty hard to dispute. If your cohabitation falls apart, it's going to probably take the relationship with it.
The second is equally impossible to dispute. It IS a major step regardless of your feelings towards personal space or anything else, and if you're going to take that step you shouldn't be rushing it to save on commute time. I'm not saying you shouldn't ever move in with a significant other, but that if you're doing it for any reason other than as a natural progression of the relationship, that it had better be a damned good reason. If you disagree with that, you might be stupid.
The third, well, I don't see how anyone can disagree with that in a serious manner either. It will complicate life, and it's not necessary.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
DrDizaster has summed it up nicely. There's just no good reason for it after only 4 months in a relationship.
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I'm still going to chime in and say that you should wait anyways. If you aren't sure, you probably should wait, right? Think it over.
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It's entirely based on the people, and how comfortable they are with it. Some young people are very single-minded on how they want to live, which is incompatible with sharing spaces as one would do in a relationship. Others are fantastic at it, and will date for a short while before moving in together in what would seem like a short amount of time.
I had a friend in college who was dating the same girl for about 4 years. He moved twice, as did she, and each time I heard he was moving I asked if they were moving in together. "no no no, I don't think we're ready for that yet."
My girlfriend and I dated for a year, then moved in together, and it was great.
If you love the person and you think both of you can compromise and work together, and enjoy each other's company enough to both not get sick of each other AND know when the other person needs some time to themselves, without social interaction, perfect. If you're uncomfortable having your girlfriend around without doing something with her, or you're generally bad with roommates in general, your relationship will be strained and likely fail.
A lot of couples will live together fine until a lease is up, and then suddenly break up. It's kind of a "well, should we keep doing this?" kind of moment.
Can it hurt? I don't think so. Unless you were buying a house together, renting a space isn't that much financial commitment. Don't buy furniture together or anything like that. The big thing that I've always told people is that if you're in love with someone, the natural progression of a relationship is to live with that person. A lot of people will put it off until closer to marriage, or after marriage, at which point they discover that they are, truly, incompatible. Things that don't manifest until after the two are living in the same space suddenly come out. But I don't think those things change based on the number of months or years prior to living together -- dating is a very "slow burn" form of a relationship, and while two people can get comfortable dating each other, there's a lot of stagnation in a relationship where you plan dates and generally hang out separately and otherwise live by yourself. As soon as you move in together, it's a make or break situation.
So either it works out, and you two realize that you're perfect for each other and it develops into a very long term relationship, or you discover that you really don't work together and you break up when the lease is up or you finish up school. I'm of a mind that if there was something that would cause you to break up, dating 4 months or 4 years would change little once you're actually living together.
If you think you're ready, do it. But do it because you want to live with her, not because it's closer to her work
abloo abloo abloooooooo
Your best option is going to be her moving closer to you but not in with you. That way you can still see each other a lot but you can be a student and she can be a professional. After you graduate, then think about it.
You obviously have issues opening up with people, CT. Either that, or you just REALLY like being a dick.
When you say she's around a lot, is that to say she sometimes lives with you for extended periods of time?
I guess what I'm asking is, do you have any sort of gauge whatsoever as to what it's like sharing personal space with her?