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What is 'clingy'?
Magus`
The fun has been DOUBLED!Registered User regular
The fun has been DOUBLED!Registered User regular
And no, I'm not asking for the book definition.
This scenario has been bothering me for awhile (it happened months ago):
I knew this girl online/in person. We'd talk maybe once every other day or so. Pretty general, but friendly talks. Anyhow, one day I was out visiting a friend (another one) and this person happened to be staying nearby. I hadn't talked to her in a week so I thought I'd stop by and say hi (it was the same apartment complex).
Anyhow, she's there and we talk for like 5 minutes. She seems tired/sick so I try not to take up too much of her time.
Anyhow, fast-forward a few days and she comes on MSN and starts ripping into me about 'daring to visit her home' (I guess the guy you're slumming off of is your 'home') and how I'm damned clingy and a bunch of other things.
Now, I may be out of the 'loop' as it is, but I thought visiting people who are supposed to be your friends is a gesture of kindness, not 'clinginess'? If that's being clingy, what isn't?
I've never had a guy friend tell me this (and most of my guy friends are damned honest). I just figured this girl was a bit off, but honestly, I'm not sure.
The main reason I'm making this thread is cause I'm worried about even trying to talk to people (mainly girls) in the future. If just visiting once is enough for a person to feel they're being clinged to, how am I supposed to make any decent friendships?
This scenario has been bothering me for awhile (it happened months ago):
I knew this girl online/in person. We'd talk maybe once every other day or so. Pretty general, but friendly talks. Anyhow, one day I was out visiting a friend (another one) and this person happened to be staying nearby. I hadn't talked to her in a week so I thought I'd stop by and say hi (it was the same apartment complex).
Anyhow, she's there and we talk for like 5 minutes. She seems tired/sick so I try not to take up too much of her time.
Anyhow, fast-forward a few days and she comes on MSN and starts ripping into me about 'daring to visit her home' (I guess the guy you're slumming off of is your 'home') and how I'm damned clingy and a bunch of other things.
Now, I may be out of the 'loop' as it is, but I thought visiting people who are supposed to be your friends is a gesture of kindness, not 'clinginess'? If that's being clingy, what isn't?
I've never had a guy friend tell me this (and most of my guy friends are damned honest). I just figured this girl was a bit off, but honestly, I'm not sure.
The main reason I'm making this thread is cause I'm worried about even trying to talk to people (mainly girls) in the future. If just visiting once is enough for a person to feel they're being clinged to, how am I supposed to make any decent friendships?
Magus` on
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As a general rule when I start talking to people online, I try to make sure I'm not always the one initiating conversation. If you're always the aggressor, whether it's daily or every other day, that's where some people might start to feel like their space is being invaded.
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Maybe she's one of those people who isn't comfortable with drop-ins. Maybe she thought you were trying to become "more than friends". Maybe she was actually involved with the guy she was staying with and they had a huge fight that night because of you showing up. There are dozens of possibilities.
"Clingy" may not be the right word (although Grundlestiltskin is right; if you intiated all those MSN conversations, that's kind of a red flag), but you shouldn't assume too much about people you've only had casual online chats with. I'd have waited for an invitation, or at least called/IMed to see if she could hang out first.
Edit - And I didn't plan to stay. I just went to say hi since her place is like 10 feet away from the other person's.
Edit 2 - And she DID tell me where she 'lived'. She pointed it out to me.
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Showing up at someone's house uninvited and without warning is annoying indeed, because you don't know what might be going on in that house and having shown up already in person is an imposition on their personal space. It can be interpreted as a presumptuous action, expecting that whatever she's up to in her home can be put on hold to greet you. It's harder to tell someone you can't handle a visitor right now when they're right on your doorstep and so you're not supposed to put them in that position. You're supposed to call ahead so that you can get a honest answer, not a pressured answer. If you can't call ahead, then it'll have to wait for another day.
Why is this something that's still on your mind months later? The proper response is a shrug and making a note for the future not to do that with that person in the future. I obviously have no way of getting an objective picture, but the existence of this thread is suggestive of clinginess already.
I met this person via the other friend. She was at my friend's old place talking about D+D or some such thing. I didn't talk to her much then, but we did talk.
Anyhow, fast forward several weeks and my other friend (we'll call her friend
Now, once in awhile when I would talk to my friend, the other person would actually be there and this is how we actually started to "really" talk. Eventually she added me to her MSN (I didn't request this, BTW) and we would talk on hers. Sometimes I would message her, sometimes she would message me. Did I start more of them? Probably. But it was more like a 60/40 ratio than a 90/10 ratio.
Hell, the girl even flirted with me a few times (which I took in stride, not really considering it as anything but what it was) and sometimes would be really, really interested in talking to me. Anytime I saw her at the friend's house she would always talk to me about.. something or other. Nothing important, but she did like to talk.
Anyhow, back to where I started. I hadn't talked to her in a few weeks AND she had called earlier (like, several days earlier, I'm not good at checking my phone). It was just a general "How are you? What're you up to?" type call. Anyhow, I go to visit my friend (who was out, BTW) as me and her (friend B!) had basically agreed I can come over every once in awhile when I get out of school and we'll 'hang'. Anyhow, she wasn't in that day (for whatever reason) and I had already made the short walk over combined with the fact that I had not answered her call. I did try to answer earlier that day, though, but I guess her phone was off (it picked up immediately).
So I went in and like I said, she seemed tired/sick (she was actually limping, not sure why) but was otherwise friendly. I told her I got the call and she seemed.. ok about it.
Now, let me get to the MSN convo. It wasn't something like "Oh man, I'm angry you didn't call me first!" It was something like...
"OH GOD WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME TO HOME. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO CLINGY. GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU." (Repeat this for about 5 minutes).
I told her I was sorry and I didn't realize it was such a big deal and she told me off and I haven't seen her since. Now, I don't WANT to see her again (this isn't the point of the thread) but when someone gets that angry for what seems like a silly reason, I can't help but remember it.
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Not unusually nutty, still within the bounds of female nutty.
All I want to impart to you is this: Those here who say this is not an unreasonable way for the average woman to act, are surrounded by and interact with kinds of women I am not.
The response was unwarranted, which happens to varying degrees, and was related to some other emotional trigger, of which you would have to be psychic to know; however, this behavior, at the level at which she displayed, is not indicative of "normal" women.
Certainly not ones you should be around.
Do not chalk this up to "I'm going to be scared around the next girl." Simply start observing the girls' behavior and living situation. You said she's slumming with someone? I'd start by saying something is not right in her life. Broken lives, once we're all adults, are generally the result of broken decisions. Stick around a better crowd of girls who are a tad more self confident and capable of caring for themselves.
Another reason I made this thread is I have a hard time getting to hang out with people. I guess I just don't understand people my own age. I don't enjoy parties, sporting events, drinking.. none of that. I always get along better with people who are 5 or more years older than me. I'd like get along with my peers, but I can never see eye to eye on them.
This is kind of an extreme case (this hasn't happened before) but I'm wondering if I'm somehow missing something and that's what makes me anathema to my peers.
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Oh and the whole clingy thing is absurd, forget about it.
Nah, just look for common ground. I love parties, drinking, and sports, but I have a geeky side too - watch tons of movies, video games, MTG, etc. Just figure out common interests and connect with them on that level
Like, any one of you have seen pictures of people at parties being a "drunk and crazy". Most of you probably think "Wow, that looks fun!" I look at that and go "What the fuck is wrong with these people."
I hate my way of thinking.
Age of the girl? I think.. 19-ish? I'm not sure. Younger than me and I'm 22.
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People are often much cooler than you anticipate. They're also often much worse, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
Case in point, my ex. We used to talk almost daily when apart, often lasting for hours on end via msn, phone, e-mail, whatever. Obviously when we were together we talked every day.
Fast forward a few months and the situation was the same. If I didn't call/message her, she would call or message me. I can't list ratios like 50/50 or anything because it varied greatly depending on just what we were doing. Point is, contact was constant and initiated by both parties.
She went off for training and when she got back, the relationship was pretty much over because her entire attitude had changed. Not just about me, but life and herself in general. This was not a sudden knowledge, but was something I had to work through for months. One of the big reasons was that she no longer cared to talk to me at all anymore. She always had better things to do, and would get annoyed if I called/messaged/e-mailed her.
Point of all that? There's a good chance this girl had something affect her feelings towards you, or you just got wrapped up in some other mindset that set her off. So your innocent 5 minute talk was now viewed as a needy invasion of her privacy that she could no longer stand. The fact that it took her a few days to go off on you probably means she was stewing over this and anything she saw as related to it, maybe even with some outside pressure (guy she is living with maybe?).
Don't worry about it, and just forget about her, the bullshit isn't worth it.
This is probably what happened...
I don't like to speculate to much, but did you say when you called her back her phone got picked up (and I presume put down)? Then, when you saw her next, she was sick/hurt and limping... does this girl have a boyfriend or anything, because its possible you walked in on something or saw something she doesn't want people seeing...
I say this because an old friend of mine would freak out if anyone came to her place unexpected, or called her.. we later found out that her SO was super jealous and would assume any male friends meant she was cheating.. and she got beat for it.
I'd ask your mutual friends about it maybe.. because she might be in some trouble.
And when I say 'picked up' I mean the voicemail.
Edit - And the guy didn't really look abusive. I seem to recall she told me why she was limping, some stupid injury or something.
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Appearances can be deceptive, I know I used to care alot (because I'm a private person) when random friends of my wife turned up on our doorstep without notice, although my reaction was to glare at them till they left because she didn't want them there either unexpectedly.
While he may well not be abusive, it could have caused one of those silly arguments that are hurtful as hell and in which people say things they don't mean and generally get upset.. so that could be it as well.
Although, however much I hate to say it (because its what everyone says and innocent people get accused)... how many people say "he just seemed so nice!" when they find out about abuse, and how many victims actually tell the truth?
She doesn't 'live' there anymore, she moved back to her parents house (or at least, that's what friend A told me).
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Anyone that shows up at *your home without notification or a standing invitation has a poor sense of personal boundaries. I generally reserve the "clingy" appellation for people I have a historical or ongoing romantic relationship with, but I definitely think she's got cause to be irritated. Personally speaking, I would be upset with anyone who just showed up at my place, unless I'd explicitly told them "come over anytime"...and yes, that applies even if they were already in the building anyhow.
*
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I have never ever ever gotten into an argument with someone for doing something like that, even if they really are clingy, or annoying, or completely bat-shit insane. (People have certainly yelled at me for such outrageous things as keeping my door closed most of the time.) From what I've seen, people usually only do crazy things like this when they have no social skills, or are insecure or crazy.
And while we're throwing around massive generalizations based solely on personal experience or observation, I'd like to say that I've never met anyone who considered it OK to just show up at someone's house completely unannounced who wasn't also extremely socially impaired and awkward; people who do that are generally missing other social "filters" to their behavior.
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Did you never go to college? There are roving bands of people wandering around stopping by at peoples' places all the time. People do this all the time. Yeah, I find it annoying, but whatever. I'm not fucking 5, and can deal with the minor inconvenience. There are bigger things to worry about.
I don't hold it against you, cfgauss, but I do hope that you realize that the college and post-college experiences allow for vastly different suites of acceptable behaviors. I for one did all sorts of things while living on-campus that I would never dream of doing as a professional adult, and I assume that most folks are the same way.
But the OP is not describing a dorm or on-campus situation, so far as I can tell, and that necessarily changes the rules. Again, as Cat said, I don't think any of us think that "flipping out" over it was merited, but it was certainly not irrational or unfair of her to be unhappy with his unannounced visit.
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Considering his age, it's very likely he IS in college, and it's very likely THEY are, too. And even if they aren't, it isn't about being in college, it's about how kids that age act.
And did you miss the part where I said I was the exact opposite of what you claimed?
Also The thread disagrees with you: etc, etc...
Why can't you people understand that other peoples' PREFERENCES aren't "OMG NO SOCIAL SKILLS I'M ON THE INTERNET I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT"?
On the other hand, freaking out over someone's preferences IS "OMG NO SOCIAL SKILLS."
It's not difficult people.
Let me summarize again for you:
* People have different opinions, that's okay. Thinking one thing over another doesn't make you OMG NO SOCAL SKILLZ.
* Don't freak out at people. That DOES make you OMG NO SKILLAHZ.
Just because YOU don't think it's not okay to show up at a friend's house doesn't make it so no one should ever do it. If a friend doesn't like it, fine, don't do it, but it's stupid to expect people to psychically know if someone else will agree with one 50% of the population or the other 50%.
EDIT: Please be gentle if this would have been better expressed via PM. I don't mean any offense at all. Except perhaps toward Thanatos.
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