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Help me....(It is bad)
tuscloud311
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Last Saturday, my whole world did a complete 180....and not just for me...but for my whole family, and most importantly my sister.
This may be a little long, but it needs to be said. A while back, my mom has had various problems dating. Never finding the right guy, and always being depressed about it. Until finally, years upon years after her divorce, she finds someone. He was the best person for her...always made her happy, made enough money that she could retire young and never have to stress about supporting herself under harsh times, etc. I mean, it wasnt just her that he helped, it was everyone. Especially me.....but it doesnt matter anymore.
They got married, and everyone was very happy about it. There wasnt a single person who disliked him nor would anyone even dare to discourage such a happy marraige. Years go by, still happily married and still everyone loves my mother being so happy with this new person.....who i refuse to even think of today.
I have an older sister...and by older i mean 32 years old. She has kids, been through a divorce, and living a single life...happily. Sure, she would like to find that special someone but its not bringing her down like it brought my mother down after years of failed attempts. Last Saturday, i moved in with her after living on my own. She could use the company and i could use the time to save up money and pay off credit cards. Win/win situation for the both of us.
So, lets rewind a little and focus on where this problem stemmed from. About a year ago, i began to notice....strange behaviour between my sister and my mother's husband.....and needless to say, it was "inappropriate" for my taste. However, i seemed to be the only person who noticed it, and if anyone in my family ever DID notice it, they made no gesture or motion to show it. Such inappropriate behaviour would be snide sexual comments towards her, quickly followed up with a mocking tease and a laugh. Which....that forumla can easily be mistaken for sarcasm, or innocent....whatever. But like i said, no one made any mention of it so i thought maybe i was over-reacting.
This went on for a year...and it seemed to SLOWLY get progressively worse.
A year, and this now leads us to last Saturday. This guy helped me move, bought the truck and everything....he did so much for me in my past and just when i thought i could never thank him enough, i now want to drive a knife into his skull....The same night, we have a little get together over at my new place. We drank, played Rock Band, and we just had a good time with a lot of close friends. No one was "new" to the crowd of people....so everyone was comfortable.
All the sudden, a knock on the door and it is this guy...but without my mother. Which...already threw up a red flag for me because he ALWAYS is with my mother when they go out, and i mean....being 52 (or 53)....people tend to really die down on the "lets go to a party" attitude.
So anyway, he joins the party and he is just staying in the back watching....No big deal, maybe a little too quiet for this type of party but hey, thats who he is. My sister and him go get some more beer, and come back a little later than expected. no big deal....later, i find out that he got her to smoke weed with him....but this wasnt the first time. Evidentally, he smokes weed a lot, and sometimes gets my mother involved. Its just weed!.....just weed....
So, the party is dying down, but we still have a "band" formed so we continue to play. This guy is still here, except now he is the only one at this party who is not involved with the band, thus again seems out of place. My sister goes to bed, and shuts the door.....but doesnt lock it.
I notice him get up about 10 minutes later, and walk straight into her room. At this point, my stomach DROPS but you know...there was a part of me that said "i trust him". They have always had the Father-Daughter relationship, but...again....with some fuck up shit thrown in. I figured he was saying goodnight to her because now he really didnt have much of a reason to stay.
He walks out about 2-3 minutes later, which again seems too long...and walks right out the front door without saying a word to the rest of his "family". My brother immediately gets a text from my sister saying "get here". I knew right then....i fucking knew it.
she is HYSTERICAL, and if you have an IQ, you obviously know what happened by this point, or you may have figured it out 12 paragraphs ago. But i dont feel the need to type it out, its not for the feint of heart.
We learned that this isnt the first time this happened, and in fact....last Christmas Eve, was a lot worse....and that was the first time. She was high at the time and didnt remember a THING of that night, but she had vivid...VIVID dreams of her and him....Saturday proved those dreams were real.
This fucker is dead to me. The same guy who supported me through everything, supported my mother through everything, was always there for people...is now dead to me.
My sister doesnt want to tell anyone. She doesnt want the family to fall apart because he is the supportive beam in the middle. I told her that she shouldnt have to suffer to this degree, and if my mother's happiness falls apart because my sister was violated by a family member, then so be it. This is far too bad to let it continue without punishment.
However, i remain loyal to my sister's wishes, but i still cannot help but feel like i need to DO SOMETHING.
Help me the fuck out PA....help me, my brother, my sister....my mother....Tell me what i can do.
tl;dr.....my step-dad raped my fucking sister.
This may be a little long, but it needs to be said. A while back, my mom has had various problems dating. Never finding the right guy, and always being depressed about it. Until finally, years upon years after her divorce, she finds someone. He was the best person for her...always made her happy, made enough money that she could retire young and never have to stress about supporting herself under harsh times, etc. I mean, it wasnt just her that he helped, it was everyone. Especially me.....but it doesnt matter anymore.
They got married, and everyone was very happy about it. There wasnt a single person who disliked him nor would anyone even dare to discourage such a happy marraige. Years go by, still happily married and still everyone loves my mother being so happy with this new person.....who i refuse to even think of today.
I have an older sister...and by older i mean 32 years old. She has kids, been through a divorce, and living a single life...happily. Sure, she would like to find that special someone but its not bringing her down like it brought my mother down after years of failed attempts. Last Saturday, i moved in with her after living on my own. She could use the company and i could use the time to save up money and pay off credit cards. Win/win situation for the both of us.
So, lets rewind a little and focus on where this problem stemmed from. About a year ago, i began to notice....strange behaviour between my sister and my mother's husband.....and needless to say, it was "inappropriate" for my taste. However, i seemed to be the only person who noticed it, and if anyone in my family ever DID notice it, they made no gesture or motion to show it. Such inappropriate behaviour would be snide sexual comments towards her, quickly followed up with a mocking tease and a laugh. Which....that forumla can easily be mistaken for sarcasm, or innocent....whatever. But like i said, no one made any mention of it so i thought maybe i was over-reacting.
This went on for a year...and it seemed to SLOWLY get progressively worse.
A year, and this now leads us to last Saturday. This guy helped me move, bought the truck and everything....he did so much for me in my past and just when i thought i could never thank him enough, i now want to drive a knife into his skull....The same night, we have a little get together over at my new place. We drank, played Rock Band, and we just had a good time with a lot of close friends. No one was "new" to the crowd of people....so everyone was comfortable.
All the sudden, a knock on the door and it is this guy...but without my mother. Which...already threw up a red flag for me because he ALWAYS is with my mother when they go out, and i mean....being 52 (or 53)....people tend to really die down on the "lets go to a party" attitude.
So anyway, he joins the party and he is just staying in the back watching....No big deal, maybe a little too quiet for this type of party but hey, thats who he is. My sister and him go get some more beer, and come back a little later than expected. no big deal....later, i find out that he got her to smoke weed with him....but this wasnt the first time. Evidentally, he smokes weed a lot, and sometimes gets my mother involved. Its just weed!.....just weed....
So, the party is dying down, but we still have a "band" formed so we continue to play. This guy is still here, except now he is the only one at this party who is not involved with the band, thus again seems out of place. My sister goes to bed, and shuts the door.....but doesnt lock it.
I notice him get up about 10 minutes later, and walk straight into her room. At this point, my stomach DROPS but you know...there was a part of me that said "i trust him". They have always had the Father-Daughter relationship, but...again....with some fuck up shit thrown in. I figured he was saying goodnight to her because now he really didnt have much of a reason to stay.
He walks out about 2-3 minutes later, which again seems too long...and walks right out the front door without saying a word to the rest of his "family". My brother immediately gets a text from my sister saying "get here". I knew right then....i fucking knew it.
she is HYSTERICAL, and if you have an IQ, you obviously know what happened by this point, or you may have figured it out 12 paragraphs ago. But i dont feel the need to type it out, its not for the feint of heart.
We learned that this isnt the first time this happened, and in fact....last Christmas Eve, was a lot worse....and that was the first time. She was high at the time and didnt remember a THING of that night, but she had vivid...VIVID dreams of her and him....Saturday proved those dreams were real.
This fucker is dead to me. The same guy who supported me through everything, supported my mother through everything, was always there for people...is now dead to me.
My sister doesnt want to tell anyone. She doesnt want the family to fall apart because he is the supportive beam in the middle. I told her that she shouldnt have to suffer to this degree, and if my mother's happiness falls apart because my sister was violated by a family member, then so be it. This is far too bad to let it continue without punishment.
However, i remain loyal to my sister's wishes, but i still cannot help but feel like i need to DO SOMETHING.
Help me the fuck out PA....help me, my brother, my sister....my mother....Tell me what i can do.
tl;dr.....my step-dad raped my fucking sister.
tuscloud311 on
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It's time to do the right thing, talk to your sister and get her ready in the mind state of reporting the guy.
She needs you on her side at all times and be supportive when she thinks she should fall back on this whole ordeal.
Be ready for that your mom might take his side and you will possibly lose contact with her. In due time she might see trough this but maybe not, same here it goes that she is clear in her head and believes your sister.
Otherwise if you are a violent person, it's time to teach him a lesson. Crowbars are effective in this manner.
Best of luck and in my opinion you should break his legs beyond repair.
B.net: Kusanku
I don't know what to say..what I can say is that I'd beat the everliving shit out of him..fuck..just support your sister man and don't let her down..does your mother know?
If you don't want to go that route, your sister needs to see a psychiatrist for counseling. Immediately.
Do the best you can to be there for her, and for your mom as well. Your mom is sure to feel extremely guilty about all this, even to the point of deep depression and drastic action. She needs to know that this isn't her fault and that you still love and respect her. If you can get her into counseling too, do it.
Don't talk to the guy, don't send him texts or emails or anything. Avoid him at all costs. You don't want there to be any reason whatsoever for him to try to turn this around and make it seem like he is being persecuted or victimized. That's one of the first things a rapist will do: make himself seem innocent and everyone else seem crazy.
This sucks a lot and I hope everything turns out well in the end. As well as it can, anyway.
I had the belief that if his sister said no it didn't happen nothing will happen after that. So he needs his sister on his "side" for this right?
well yeah
B.net: Kusanku
I was talking about me, but yeah, kicking his ass isn't the right thing to do, but before you call the cops you should really talk with your sister and mother..
Wiser words were never spoken on this board. Help her realize that she can bring this to an end... but she needs to do it quickly. She needs to get examined, and (I know this is hard to hear) evidence collected, and she needs to file a report to bring this guy to justice. Because in truth, if he's doing this to her there could even be others he has done it to. And even if not, she should be brought to justice for what he's done.
The thing is, evidence of the type needed won't be around forever... so talk to her, and try to help her realize that she can help to end this if she steps forward. Reassure her that he will never be able to hurt her again, and that you will be there to make sure she doesn't.
Don't take matters into your own hands (as tempting as it is) because he may end up merely injured and you'll end up in jail... when HE should be the one getting "served" by Bubba in the slammer.
Time is of the essence for the collection of evidence. Make sure that she does not shower (hopefully this is not too late), and that you guys to go the emergency room of the hospital for the needed examination right away. You can bring this fucker to justice without going to jail yourself.
That being said, I can totally understand the desire to hurt this guy. Try to resist, and convince your sister that there's a better way. After all, a night of giving him a beating (and then you going to jail, or him suing you) isn't going to be nearly as satisfying as his decrepid ass picking up the bar of soap in the state prison for the next 5-15 years.
EDIT: Crap... I just realized the OP said this was last Saturday. =( I still strongly encourage filing charges, and getting examined anyways. Were there any potential witnesses to the event? Any band members maybe saw/heard anything? Your witness is good, but if others can help with the witnessing that'll be helpful as well. Bring this fucker to justice.
1) You dont have to feel alone here. Yes the forums might help etc, but there are PLENTY of free, anonymous hotlines - or people that you can go and see to help you decide what to do. I really, really recommed this.
2) He's gotten away with it. And I know your sister cant remember the 1st encounter - but the worst part of this story is that a pattern is forming.
3) Yes your mother is happy, but please give her some credit. No its not nice, but surely as a mother she'd rather know - but you need to realise that your sister is scared and confused. She probably thinks its partly her fault or something.
4) If he's raping his step daughter - he's not "a supportive beam" - No. He's not.
5) Your sister's sentiments are admirable if misguided. You need to consider the effect on her - not just your mother.
I can keep going - but you really need to talk to someone qualified. Do it anonymously if you like - but there are people out there that will help you. Once you get that support, you can help your Mother and sister.
I don't mean to be a douche, but like, theres certain parts of all this that don't connect.
Regardless, yeah. If your sister isn't willing to make a statement theres really nothing you can do.
Which isn't to say that she doesn't still need to file charges against the asshole, but just the facts of the matter.
However, while she's thinking about it, try to make sure she doesn't wash the clothes she was wearing or her bedsheets. Rape is practically impossible to prove a lot of the time anyway, and if she does want to pursue a criminal case, those will likely be her only evidence.
My heart goes out to you and your sister. Be prepared for things to get bad.
Ah... I was thinking that he was implying that he raped her again. From what I remember of my RA training, it doesn't always take very long...
Oh, and someone else above was wondering why she'd get stoned with him again. Maybe I misread the original post, but it sounded to me like she happened to be in the house at the same time as him, not specifically getting stoned with him (as in just him). I mean, she has a right to be in the house the same as he does... and if he's pulling crap like this, obviously much more of a right.
But definitely it should be clear (and should be made clear) that he is NO support for anyone but his own malignant desires. That man's not helping anyone but himself, and if it looks like he has in the past, it was probably just a cover to gain trust.
Also, I agree with Trow not to outright push her into calling the cops... I mean, don't force her to. but I personally think she should be persuaded to at least. The thing is, he can't be there 24 hours a day for his sister. If this guy isn't in jail, he could come back around. It's not just about revenge, it's also about protecting her... and God knows who else he's done this to.
Edit: And 3 minutes is plenty of time considering rape in this context is highly unlikely to be about sexual satisfaction so much as about confirming absolute power over another human being.
Also, its been said here that your mother may side with this guy. I think she may even go further then that and just deny the truth outright, when presented with facts. Theres gonna be a lot of anger and many other emotions. I'm gonna end with 5 words. Get Help both of you.
Here are some things that i need to clear up:
- First encounter was Christmas Eve where they were both stoned. She woke up "sore in places where single people shouldnt be sore" and naked in her bed. He took her home (she remembers that), where she lives alone. He was getting frisky with her in the car. When they got there, she blacked out. She always sleeps with clothes.
- Second encounter was lats Saturday. He did not rape her, but molested her, kissed her, and went under the clothes and got very physical. No intercourse of any kind.
- She was too afraid to scream or anything. She said she never felt so stiff and scared in her life, and i do not blame her for that.
- I am on her side. I will not physically injure him, but i am very upset and pissed off about it all that i can TYPE about it.
- It is her call. I will not overjump what she wishes from me and my brother. When she is comfortable to contront it, she will let us (me and my brother) know and we will support her
- It is speculated that my mother will NOT believe us if we told her, like you all mentioned. She thinks he is sent from God and everything is so perfect and meant to be. Denial....
- I have refused contact with him from here on out. I will NOT be put in that situation that i have to pretend like everything is ok. My mother's contact with me will ultimately suffer as well, which is shitty because she considers me her favorite. I've always been there with her and for her.....but i also need to do what is best for myself in this situation
- My sister will no longer be affiliated with him, and her relationship with my mother may suffer from it as well. *IF* in the off chance that later down the road, we DO end up being around him in a family function (mothers birthday comes to mind)....i told her that she is to not be alone with him, get drunk when i am not there, and always refuse to go anywhere with him under any circumstance. I do not drink and therefore i am always available to drive her ANYWHERE she needs. He used to do that for her.
Hope it clears some up.
Just first glance those things sound odd to me.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
I was told he has a garage door opener. He helped her fix it one day.....
What makes my skin crawl....blood boil.....nerves on end.....is that he has a daughter who he does not talk to anymore.
.....His daughter is a lesbian
He constantly tells my sister "i love you daughter". Saturday night, he said "goodnight daughter" over and over while touching her, she recalls.
Sounds like this guy has a fetish for daughters? Im trying to peice shit together, and its hard as FUCK to do when you think you know a guy and all the sudden it is completely different.
Who else HAS he done this to!?
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
you can doubt her all you want....but i dont.
Next time you are about to get raped by your OWN STEP DAD....you tell me what goes through your head.
its hard enough as it is, and if you doubt what happened, then just dont post please, it doesnt help any. This is fucking serious and i dont need any bullshit like that telling me that my sister is a liar about this shit.
i will tell you all right now, i will NEVER get the images out of my head of my sister SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY after he left. YOU DONT FAKE THAT SHIT.
Abuse and rape like this almost always happens among relatives and people that are "known" to the victims, and while that means that criminal charges are much more difficult to swallow, that doesn't mean you need to just "let it happen and move on." Tell your mom, and tell her to ask him about it. And that in the meantime, she won't be hearing from you or your sister because you don't feel safe around him anymore.
I'm trying to be as sensitive as I can, as this is a really bad situation, but I am kind of skeptical as well. At 32, with kids, in her own home, I guess this just doesn't add up.
Weed isn't a "rape drug" and doesn't make you totally forget everything. If a rape did indeed happen, support her and back her up in any way you can. She's not a minor, so she's capable of making her own decisions. Let her deal with this in any way she chooses, it's her choice, and it happened to her, not you. Just be there for her.
Now, there's something you could also do, and that would be to talk to your step dad and get his story of what happened. I don't know if you'd feel comfortable doing that, but it is an option.
i really want to do that. but it is something that my sister gives me the green light to do.
My brother wants to confront him face to face and tell him whats up. Not physically or anything, but basically say "i know what the fuck you did and if you ever look at her wrong or touch her again, you will regret it" kind of thing. I would like to do both of these, but alas it is not up to me.
I will relay the message to my sister though. She is feeling better and has her kids to keep her happy and living. The night it happened, she was crying and screaming that if she didnt have kids she would kill herself.
One can only IMAGINE how that could feel without going through it. This is seriously the most fucked up shit you can do to someone.
No. It's not his place to tell their mother. If his sister wants to tell her, he can help support her in doing so, but otherwise he needs to keep his mouth shut. If the mother asks why they aren't speaking to the stepfather anymore, the OP can say "It's not my place to tell you why, but I'm no longer comfortable around him." If the sister never ever tells their mother, that's her choice, and the last thing she needs right now is people taking more control away from her.
Any direct action must be taken by his sister, all anyone else can do is be there for her and support her and not do things like call her a liar or an attention-whore or suggest that she was at fault for what happened. There are plenty of people out there who are already going to do that.
Well if you trust your sister then I believe you and apologize if I came off like a dick.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
If she's in any danger from him, she probably already knows she lives with a rapist.
and violent, its not necessarily a matter of danger, if someone is living with someone capable of doing something like that to anyone, they deserve to know, especially if they are having intimate relations with said person
2) Let your mom know what's going on.
3) Lawyer.
4) Get his ass thrown in jail.
There's no going back from this. Once he's reported as a rapist, EVERYTHING will change.
So the sister doesn't get any choice in whether she has to relive her trauma through a trial, quite probably alienate her mother, and all for the very, very miniscule chance that this guy will get convicted? The number of rape cases that actually end with a conviction is tiny. Everything will change, but it's quite possible (even likely) that none of those changes will be good, especially if the sister doesn't want to go through with all this. Seriously. This is her business, not tuscloud's, and she's the one who gets to make these decisions, not him. His job is to be supportive, period.
Which helps to support the victim how? Especially given that A) if he's going to rape the mom it probably won't be the first time by any stretch,
My mom isn't in any immediate danger from him, but telling her is completely out of the question. In order to really understand how she feels about her husband, you would have to see them together; this, of course, is an impossible action for anyone else on this board. Because of this fact, telling her would completely split her from her husband and her daughter. I can honestly see a mental breakdown in her future if we thought about taking that route.
I was talking to my buddy the other day (which I shouldn't have, but he's like a brother to me anyway) and we came up with a reasonable solution: She needs to confront him about it. Take him to lunch and let him know that she's aware of what happened. If she confronts him, he may be shocked and stop his behavior toward her. If he's not sorry, then we will devise another action plan and carry it out with full force. She could basically put the ball back in his court and say "I know what the fuck you did. If you do it again, you will break up this family. Do you want that to happen?" At that point, I can imagine him distancing himself from us.
I can't believe that he would think he could get away with this given the fact that our family is very close. It fucking disgusts me. But the only thing we can do right now is respect our sister's wishes and be there for her through this entire ordeal. I will not "let it go", but I won't pretend it didn't happen, either.
Thanks for the replies, all. This is a huge deal for us and we can't exactly talk about it with other friends or family members, so we decided to go the H/A way.
Look, I'm not saying it's an easy situation to deal with in anyones case (hers, his, or his brothers). If you knew or were 100% sure that your mother was living with the guy who raped her daughter/your sister, wouldn't you want her to know?
You can still support your sister, but not saying anything seems like supporting your sister but leaving your mother out to dry.
I'm no expert by any means, but were I to go with my gut, I'd tell my mother so at least I'd have tried to warn her.