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Of roommates and girls
Sevorak
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So this is kind of a girl thread in that it involves a girl, but it's more of a "How do I deal with an awkward situation with my roommate" thread.
A little background. I live with five other guys at college, one of whom I share a room with. Let's call him N. About a year ago, N had a thing for one of the girls we hang out with a lot, who I'll call A. A didn't reciprocate and nothing came of it, or that's what I've gathered from another of our roommates, since I wasn't really paying attention to the situation at the time. Since then, A has continued to hang out with us regularly, and I had assumed that N had gotten over her, as did the rest of the house.
Cut to just before winter break this year. We invite a small group of people, including A, over to get drunk on wine. A and I end up talking on the couch for a couple hours until her roommate (who, coincidentally, I went on a date with last year, but nothing came of that) comes to pick her up. We chat a bit online over winter break and hang out some more with the group when school comes back, and I start to think that A might be a nice girl to go to dinner with. However, I know N used to have a thing for her, so I figure I should at least see what his feelings on the matter are before asking A out.
Unfortunately, I am a huge procrastinator on this sort of thing, so I put it off for a while. I guess N had gotten the vibe that I was into her though, and confronted me about it last night. He asked me to stop flirting with her and said that he still hadn't gotten over her from last year. I, being surprised, unprepared, mildly retarded, and in the middle of playing my shiny new PS3, agreed to stop flirting with her and said it wasn't a big deal. As soon as he left and went to bed, I knew I should have put up some resistance and made my side of the matter known.
So I'm kind of at a loss at what to do now. I like the girl, I've lost too many chances with girls because of my roommates already, including N, and I don't want to be walked on again. But, on the other hand, I've lived with N since the dorms in our first year of college, and I'd hate to see our friendship strained because of this. I figure I should at least talk to him about my real feelings on the matter, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject after the conversation last night, other than, "Hey, you know how I said it wasn't a big deal? It kinda is."
So, people of H/A, what should I do now?
tl/dr: I flirt with girl that roommate used to like. Turns out roommate still likes girl and asks me to stop. I say ok, but don't really want to. What now?
A little background. I live with five other guys at college, one of whom I share a room with. Let's call him N. About a year ago, N had a thing for one of the girls we hang out with a lot, who I'll call A. A didn't reciprocate and nothing came of it, or that's what I've gathered from another of our roommates, since I wasn't really paying attention to the situation at the time. Since then, A has continued to hang out with us regularly, and I had assumed that N had gotten over her, as did the rest of the house.
Cut to just before winter break this year. We invite a small group of people, including A, over to get drunk on wine. A and I end up talking on the couch for a couple hours until her roommate (who, coincidentally, I went on a date with last year, but nothing came of that) comes to pick her up. We chat a bit online over winter break and hang out some more with the group when school comes back, and I start to think that A might be a nice girl to go to dinner with. However, I know N used to have a thing for her, so I figure I should at least see what his feelings on the matter are before asking A out.
Unfortunately, I am a huge procrastinator on this sort of thing, so I put it off for a while. I guess N had gotten the vibe that I was into her though, and confronted me about it last night. He asked me to stop flirting with her and said that he still hadn't gotten over her from last year. I, being surprised, unprepared, mildly retarded, and in the middle of playing my shiny new PS3, agreed to stop flirting with her and said it wasn't a big deal. As soon as he left and went to bed, I knew I should have put up some resistance and made my side of the matter known.
So I'm kind of at a loss at what to do now. I like the girl, I've lost too many chances with girls because of my roommates already, including N, and I don't want to be walked on again. But, on the other hand, I've lived with N since the dorms in our first year of college, and I'd hate to see our friendship strained because of this. I figure I should at least talk to him about my real feelings on the matter, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject after the conversation last night, other than, "Hey, you know how I said it wasn't a big deal? It kinda is."
So, people of H/A, what should I do now?
tl/dr: I flirt with girl that roommate used to like. Turns out roommate still likes girl and asks me to stop. I say ok, but don't really want to. What now?
3DS: 0748-2282-4229Sevorak on
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If your buddy is a good friend, he should see that he's being a dick by essentially calling dibs on a girl he never had a relationship with.
You can bring it up by pointing out that you need to talk about his own feelings about her, that you had no idea he was still bottling this shit up for over a year and doing nothing about it other than steaming. I mean, that's not healthy, and if he was the one posting for help you know all the responses would be "she already shot you down, let your friend go out with her, she's not your possession."
From a roomate standpoint, from what you told us, he's probably not giong to like it, but you did give him the heads up.
I can't judge your roommate not knowing him about whether or not he should have feelings for this girl or not, but it's not really his decision whether or not you can flirt with this girl.
Just be prepared for a possible falling out with the person you share a room with.
Is it possible you can somehow change roommates so you don't have to sleep in the same room as him? That would help.
That sounds like a pretty good way to do it, actually. Being taken by surprise is going to put you into an immediate defensive. Let him know you thought about it, and after thinking decided that you really liked her. If he's not with her, then he has no point to make here other than teenage drama. Its not like it was two weeks ago or anything, its been a long time. Long enough by far. I'd keep it out of his face as much as possible, but I'd say you have reasonable grounds for an honorable pursuit here.
pleasepaypreacher.net
I ask this because my first year of college I was in a similar situation where my roommate liked a girl, took her to a dance, but she had no interest in him despite his feelings. I thought nothing about asking her out because he was a douchebag that I had just met and felt no obligation to him. In fact, I married her
Unless you've been lifelong or high school friends, I'd just tell him that you thought it wasn't serious and that he would be over it by now and that you wouldn't have pursued it if you didn't think there was something there.
To clarify, I don't know if she likes me or not, she's difficult to read in general, but the only way to find that out is to go for it, but I know I'll definitely need to talk to him about it before I do so.
It's not really feasible for me to change rooms. There's only one other double room and I've lived in the same house with these guys for three years. We're all pretty entrenched in the rooms we're in and I'd rather not spill the drama into the entire house unless the situation gets really bad.
I've known my roommate since the beginning of freshman year of college (we were in the same orientation group), and we've lived in the same dorm building or house since then. I graduated in December and he's in his fifth year. So no, not lifelong or high school friends, but long enough that the friendship isn't a trivial thing to risk.
And, since I see this asked a lot, my roommate and I are 22 and the girl is 21.
How long until we have to follow the "six degrees of separation" rule?
It's one thing to give deference to a friend's feelings if he dated a girl, went through a rough breakup with her, and being around you dating her will trudge up legitimately painful feelings. I'd even give deference to a friend who is trying to work up the nerve to make a move. However, your roommate is suffering from a bruised ego, which you shouldn't have to tip toe around.
Do as others have suggested and let him know that you're into her. If he whines about it you need to tell him straight out "Look man, I know that you like her, but she's not into you. You can't expect every girl you have a thing for to be off limits, especially if nothing is going to happen between you two."
Because if so, he has absolutely no room to complain. Not that he has much ground to stand on with his complaint anyways (indeed, saying a woman is "off limits" because you once liked her and she wasn't interested is out of line. I mean, imagine if he was the sort of guy who fell for every girl he met. Then you'd NEVER be able to find anyone by that silly rule), but I thought I'd bring that up.
When you talk to him, just bring up to him that you're not doing it to offend or step on his pride, but you want to see if you can be happy with her. If he's a true friend, hearing something like that should make him snap out of the fact that he's living in a dream world. If he doesn't react to that positively, then he's a pretty selfish friend.
Even though all of the advice posted is correct the OP should be prepared for a bit of a dramatic situation.
I finally manned up and talked to my roommate and it went surprisingly well. He said he's cool with me dating her, but he also said that she had said that she doesn't like either of us at the moment. I still have every intention of taking a shot and seeing what she says, but it does put a damper on the whole thing.
Thanks for the advice guys!
Go for it.
Look at it this way, you could honor your friend's juvenile wishes and let him never end up getting with this girl who it sounds like he has no chance with. Or you could ask her out, and potentially hit it off with her. Your friend might sulk and pout, and act like a little junior high kid, but that's his hang up. You guys are in college, girls aren't that hard to come by.
Good luck dude!
Quick little P.S.; Girls are people, too, and while I understand your point about not getting hung up on one particular girl (I hope), I'm a little bummed out that so many people are concerned about the guys involved, rather than the chica. Maybe girls aren't that hard to come by, but they're also not all the same! Do please pardon my feminism.