Of roommates and girls

SevorakSevorak Registered User regular
edited January 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
So this is kind of a girl thread in that it involves a girl, but it's more of a "How do I deal with an awkward situation with my roommate" thread.

A little background. I live with five other guys at college, one of whom I share a room with. Let's call him N. About a year ago, N had a thing for one of the girls we hang out with a lot, who I'll call A. A didn't reciprocate and nothing came of it, or that's what I've gathered from another of our roommates, since I wasn't really paying attention to the situation at the time. Since then, A has continued to hang out with us regularly, and I had assumed that N had gotten over her, as did the rest of the house.

Cut to just before winter break this year. We invite a small group of people, including A, over to get drunk on wine. A and I end up talking on the couch for a couple hours until her roommate (who, coincidentally, I went on a date with last year, but nothing came of that) comes to pick her up. We chat a bit online over winter break and hang out some more with the group when school comes back, and I start to think that A might be a nice girl to go to dinner with. However, I know N used to have a thing for her, so I figure I should at least see what his feelings on the matter are before asking A out.

Unfortunately, I am a huge procrastinator on this sort of thing, so I put it off for a while. I guess N had gotten the vibe that I was into her though, and confronted me about it last night. He asked me to stop flirting with her and said that he still hadn't gotten over her from last year. I, being surprised, unprepared, mildly retarded, and in the middle of playing my shiny new PS3, agreed to stop flirting with her and said it wasn't a big deal. As soon as he left and went to bed, I knew I should have put up some resistance and made my side of the matter known.

So I'm kind of at a loss at what to do now. I like the girl, I've lost too many chances with girls because of my roommates already, including N, and I don't want to be walked on again. But, on the other hand, I've lived with N since the dorms in our first year of college, and I'd hate to see our friendship strained because of this. I figure I should at least talk to him about my real feelings on the matter, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject after the conversation last night, other than, "Hey, you know how I said it wasn't a big deal? It kinda is."

So, people of H/A, what should I do now?

tl/dr: I flirt with girl that roommate used to like. Turns out roommate still likes girl and asks me to stop. I say ok, but don't really want to. What now?

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Posts

  • amateurhouramateurhour One day I'll be professionalhour The woods somewhere in TennesseeRegistered User regular
    edited January 2008
    That's a tough call man. If he was just a roomate that's one thing, but he's actually in your room itself with you, and you told him no. On the other hand, he fucked up his chance, she likes you, and he needs to learn to grow up. Unless you think it's going to result in you getting your ass kicked or getting kicked out of the house, I say, if she's worth it, then go for it. You seem to really like the girl, she likes you, and his selfishness shouldn't interfere with that. You really do need to man up though and tell him how you feel about her, BEFORE you start things up with her, so he doesn't call you out on it.

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  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited January 2008
    The "best" way would be to help your buddy get over her, and then pursue the relationship. In other words, talk to him about it and say that you might get together with A, but that because things never even got started with her on his end, he should have moved on by now anyway. And that just because he still finds her cute doesn't mean she's going to suddenly like him in the future. In fact, point out that you talk with her online as a friend right now, but if you suddenly stop because he's "called dibs," that's going to ruin any chances he has even more than his current complete lack of chance. That's negative chance.

    If your buddy is a good friend, he should see that he's being a dick by essentially calling dibs on a girl he never had a relationship with.

    You can bring it up by pointing out that you need to talk about his own feelings about her, that you had no idea he was still bottling this shit up for over a year and doing nothing about it other than steaming. I mean, that's not healthy, and if he was the one posting for help you know all the responses would be "she already shot you down, let your friend go out with her, she's not your possession."

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  • ArdorArdor Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    You should at least go back to him and tell him you thought about what you and he talked about (whenever it was) and you think there might be somethere there, so you're going to continue to see if it leads anywhere.

    From a roomate standpoint, from what you told us, he's probably not giong to like it, but you did give him the heads up.

    I can't judge your roommate not knowing him about whether or not he should have feelings for this girl or not, but it's not really his decision whether or not you can flirt with this girl.

    Just be prepared for a possible falling out with the person you share a room with.

    Is it possible you can somehow change roommates so you don't have to sleep in the same room as him? That would help.

    Ardor on
  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Sevorak wrote: »
    I figure I should at least talk to him about my real feelings on the matter, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject after the conversation last night, other than, "Hey, you know how I said it wasn't a big deal? It kinda is."

    So, people of H/A, what should I do now?

    tl/dr: I flirt with girl that roommate used to like. Turns out roommate still likes girl and asks me to stop. I say ok, but don't really want to. What now?

    That sounds like a pretty good way to do it, actually. Being taken by surprise is going to put you into an immediate defensive. Let him know you thought about it, and after thinking decided that you really liked her. If he's not with her, then he has no point to make here other than teenage drama. Its not like it was two weeks ago or anything, its been a long time. Long enough by far. I'd keep it out of his face as much as possible, but I'd say you have reasonable grounds for an honorable pursuit here.

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  • PreacherPreacher Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    She's not his property, and he only showed interest in this girl not actually dated her. You don't need his approval, live your own life and ask this girl out if you want to.

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  • QuothQuoth the Raven Miami, FL FOR REALRegistered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Make sure to emphasize that you thought he was over her because it never came up again. I knew a guy who did what you're doing and he got his ass kicked by the other dude. Yes, the dude was way out of line and immature, but the guy still got his ass kicked. So try to be as nice as possible and plead ignorance if he calls you a backstabber.

    Quoth on
  • Lindsay LohanLindsay Lohan Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    How friendly are you with your roommate? Friends for a long time?

    I ask this because my first year of college I was in a similar situation where my roommate liked a girl, took her to a dance, but she had no interest in him despite his feelings. I thought nothing about asking her out because he was a douchebag that I had just met and felt no obligation to him. In fact, I married her :)

    Unless you've been lifelong or high school friends, I'd just tell him that you thought it wasn't serious and that he would be over it by now and that you wouldn't have pursued it if you didn't think there was something there.

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  • SevorakSevorak Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Thanks for all the advice so far guys.

    To clarify, I don't know if she likes me or not, she's difficult to read in general, but the only way to find that out is to go for it, but I know I'll definitely need to talk to him about it before I do so.

    It's not really feasible for me to change rooms. There's only one other double room and I've lived in the same house with these guys for three years. We're all pretty entrenched in the rooms we're in and I'd rather not spill the drama into the entire house unless the situation gets really bad.

    I've known my roommate since the beginning of freshman year of college (we were in the same orientation group), and we've lived in the same dorm building or house since then. I graduated in December and he's in his fifth year. So no, not lifelong or high school friends, but long enough that the friendship isn't a trivial thing to risk.

    And, since I see this asked a lot, my roommate and I are 22 and the girl is 21.

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  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Definitely give him the heads up and then go for it. If you and the girl do get together, however, you might want to hang out more at her place for awhile and not be ultra-coupley in front of him, just to be nice. He'd be immature to get pissed off about it, but just to save the friendship, facilitate his ignoring it until he's clearly over her.

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  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Seriously, now you're not allowed to date women who turned down your friends/roommates a year ago?

    How long until we have to follow the "six degrees of separation" rule?

    Thanatos on
  • oldsakoldsak Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Seriously, you can't claim girls.

    It's one thing to give deference to a friend's feelings if he dated a girl, went through a rough breakup with her, and being around you dating her will trudge up legitimately painful feelings. I'd even give deference to a friend who is trying to work up the nerve to make a move. However, your roommate is suffering from a bruised ego, which you shouldn't have to tip toe around.

    Do as others have suggested and let him know that you're into her. If he whines about it you need to tell him straight out "Look man, I know that you like her, but she's not into you. You can't expect every girl you have a thing for to be off limits, especially if nothing is going to happen between you two."

    oldsak on
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Is "N" involved with anyone at the moment?

    Because if so, he has absolutely no room to complain. Not that he has much ground to stand on with his complaint anyways (indeed, saying a woman is "off limits" because you once liked her and she wasn't interested is out of line. I mean, imagine if he was the sort of guy who fell for every girl he met. Then you'd NEVER be able to find anyone by that silly rule), but I thought I'd bring that up.

    When you talk to him, just bring up to him that you're not doing it to offend or step on his pride, but you want to see if you can be happy with her. If he's a true friend, hearing something like that should make him snap out of the fact that he's living in a dream world. If he doesn't react to that positively, then he's a pretty selfish friend.

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  • Bionic MonkeyBionic Monkey Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited January 2008
    This man has no claims to the girl. Be upfront and honest, and tell him you're going to pursue the relationship. From that point forward, if he has a problem, then it's his own shit he needs to get over.

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  • DasUberEdwardDasUberEdward Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    You guys are forgetting that the third party isn't on the H/A board and instead shares a living arrangement with the OP.

    Even though all of the advice posted is correct the OP should be prepared for a bit of a dramatic situation.

    DasUberEdward on
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  • Ado-sanAdo-san Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Procrastination in these sorts of matters is detrimental to your soul! I should know. If you really like the girl the best you can do is be honest and respectful to your friend. If he gets it, great. If he doesn't, you might have to be prepared that he'll resent you and things will get uncomfortable. I guess it just depends what kind of friendship you have and whether you can live with that or not. Those are distinctions only you can make unfortunately. I'm not sure if it'd be any worse than a missed opportunity though, in the long run.

    Ado-san on
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  • SevorakSevorak Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Something of an update for anyone who cares:

    I finally manned up and talked to my roommate and it went surprisingly well. He said he's cool with me dating her, but he also said that she had said that she doesn't like either of us at the moment. I still have every intention of taking a shot and seeing what she says, but it does put a damper on the whole thing.

    Thanks for the advice guys!

    Sevorak on
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  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Your friend and the girl you're interested in aren't even dating. You're in the clear. Your friend doesn't get to call "dibs" on girls.

    Go for it.

    Look at it this way, you could honor your friend's juvenile wishes and let him never end up getting with this girl who it sounds like he has no chance with. Or you could ask her out, and potentially hit it off with her. Your friend might sulk and pout, and act like a little junior high kid, but that's his hang up. You guys are in college, girls aren't that hard to come by.

    RocketSauce on
  • Ado-sanAdo-san Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Sevorak wrote: »
    Something of an update for anyone who cares:

    I finally manned up and talked to my roommate and it went surprisingly well. He said he's cool with me dating her, but he also said that she had said that she doesn't like either of us at the moment. I still have every intention of taking a shot and seeing what she says, but it does put a damper on the whole thing.

    Thanks for the advice guys!

    Good luck dude!

    Ado-san on
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  • SpecularitySpecularity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    You guys are in college, girls aren't that hard to come by.

    Quick little P.S.; Girls are people, too, and while I understand your point about not getting hung up on one particular girl (I hope), I'm a little bummed out that so many people are concerned about the guys involved, rather than the chica. Maybe girls aren't that hard to come by, but they're also not all the same! Do please pardon my feminism.

    Specularity on
  • SilvertreeSilvertree Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Either way the biggest thing (if you respect this guy) is to be honest with him. If you decide to pursue a relationship with her, which I think is perfectly OK, tell him.

    Silvertree on
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