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Crazy women and the men who love? them
Ethan Smith
Origin name: Beart4toArlington, VARegistered User regular
Origin name: Beart4toArlington, VARegistered User regular
So it's been a while since I posted here, the last thread I posted was fucking retarded and got me jailed. I am sorry, this will not be a repeat of that.
However, the thread that I made before that was about how I was attracted to a pair of completely insane girls who seem to want nothing more than to harm me.
Thankfully, I have removed myself from these people, but I have been presented by a far more tempting and tempestuous madam.
So I have a friend, named Nicole, who I first got to know well when my friend Drew cheated on his girlfriend with her. This occured for around 2 months, and created a situation that killed much of the humanity left in Drew's girlfriend (named Olivia), and, when Drew went back to Olivia, killed much of the happiness in Nicole. Since then, Nicole has been at borderline obsession with Drew, and I've been trying to help her with that.
Now, I'd like to make an aside to mention that I do this kind of stuff a lot. I have a certain part of my personality that is very much a white knight, and I am prone to care a lot more for 'damsels in distress', or what we commonly know as crazy chicks. I feel that though this is a good quality, it has gotten me into a large number of painful friendships with girls who cannot control their day to day emotions, even if it has made me more mature and thick skinned than most men my age.
Anyways, Nicole was left by Drew some time last May. She has still loved him for a very long time, as a matter of fact, she wrote a set of letters written indirectly to him. These letters, which I have recently been given access (they're on myspace) to read, remind one of...well, to be honest, horror novels. Reading Nicole's notes is like reading the Whalestone Letters (a story about an insane woman who writes letters to a son who never responds). Reading them has gotten me farther into her mind than I've gotten into anyone elses. I guess I should be happy, I've always wanted to help people like this, and I've always been interested in insanity, but when the cold hard fact comes into your face, it becomes far more worrisome. She cries herself to sleep, she has cut herself, though I've been able to help her stop this to some degree.
What I'm getting to is that, in the last note she wrote...well, it was written at me. She has admitted to loving me in this note, and I don't know what to do. I love her back, and she's a beautiful girl, but jesus christ, this is my first relationship. I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep up under the pressure, regardless of how expert I am at being with these kinds of girls. I don't want to be like Drew to her when I leave for college, I don't want her to cry herself to sleep thinking of me, or to cut herself. I don't want her to die. I want to help her become the happy girl she used to be, and I know that the only way I'll be able to do this is by replacing her memories of Drew, which bring up sadness and anxiety attacks, with memories of love that have positive qualities. But how do I know that she doesn't still obsess and love Drew at least as much as with me? I can't play second fiddle, especially in a situation like this. I've had to deal with a lot of shit this year, many of my friends have left for college, and many more have left because they are pricks. My sister has had anorexia. Am I ready for a situation like this? And even if I'm not, I'm obligated by my morals to help Nicole in any way possible. I just don't know if I can do it this way.
However, the thread that I made before that was about how I was attracted to a pair of completely insane girls who seem to want nothing more than to harm me.
Thankfully, I have removed myself from these people, but I have been presented by a far more tempting and tempestuous madam.
So I have a friend, named Nicole, who I first got to know well when my friend Drew cheated on his girlfriend with her. This occured for around 2 months, and created a situation that killed much of the humanity left in Drew's girlfriend (named Olivia), and, when Drew went back to Olivia, killed much of the happiness in Nicole. Since then, Nicole has been at borderline obsession with Drew, and I've been trying to help her with that.
Now, I'd like to make an aside to mention that I do this kind of stuff a lot. I have a certain part of my personality that is very much a white knight, and I am prone to care a lot more for 'damsels in distress', or what we commonly know as crazy chicks. I feel that though this is a good quality, it has gotten me into a large number of painful friendships with girls who cannot control their day to day emotions, even if it has made me more mature and thick skinned than most men my age.
Anyways, Nicole was left by Drew some time last May. She has still loved him for a very long time, as a matter of fact, she wrote a set of letters written indirectly to him. These letters, which I have recently been given access (they're on myspace) to read, remind one of...well, to be honest, horror novels. Reading Nicole's notes is like reading the Whalestone Letters (a story about an insane woman who writes letters to a son who never responds). Reading them has gotten me farther into her mind than I've gotten into anyone elses. I guess I should be happy, I've always wanted to help people like this, and I've always been interested in insanity, but when the cold hard fact comes into your face, it becomes far more worrisome. She cries herself to sleep, she has cut herself, though I've been able to help her stop this to some degree.
What I'm getting to is that, in the last note she wrote...well, it was written at me. She has admitted to loving me in this note, and I don't know what to do. I love her back, and she's a beautiful girl, but jesus christ, this is my first relationship. I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep up under the pressure, regardless of how expert I am at being with these kinds of girls. I don't want to be like Drew to her when I leave for college, I don't want her to cry herself to sleep thinking of me, or to cut herself. I don't want her to die. I want to help her become the happy girl she used to be, and I know that the only way I'll be able to do this is by replacing her memories of Drew, which bring up sadness and anxiety attacks, with memories of love that have positive qualities. But how do I know that she doesn't still obsess and love Drew at least as much as with me? I can't play second fiddle, especially in a situation like this. I've had to deal with a lot of shit this year, many of my friends have left for college, and many more have left because they are pricks. My sister has had anorexia. Am I ready for a situation like this? And even if I'm not, I'm obligated by my morals to help Nicole in any way possible. I just don't know if I can do it this way.
Ethan Smith on
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Ultimately, a relationship should make people happy. I mean, why get into a situation where you could spend your life being miserable? For this to work with the girl, she would have to be sane, over Drew, and able to see you for a good person without the emotional baggage of the past relationship playing such a large role in it.
Think of it this way: you could start to date her, and things could turn around. What if you hit a stumbling point in your relationship? You sound youngish, possibly/probably in high school, and that makes me think that leaving school and college situations and more would just make her that much worse.
If nothing else, if you're trying to be a "white knight" and help her, you need to help her be independent, and you won't do that by being a relationship crutch or replacement boyfriend.
If you dont step in, wont that hole just be filled by someone else? And if so, hey man - why not you? You seem like you care. And a few months in the arms of someone who cares is a lot better than that same time spent with someone who goes about the whole thing half-hearted.
Secondly, if youre the better man, it wont be long before those qualities are recognized and appreciated. Be there, be all there, and be willing to help. Dont worry so much about the future - it is highly unlikely that any relationship either one of you get into will last forever. So why not enjoy what you have? Sometimes all you get is right now. Be comfortable with that, and the world can be yours for the taking.
If it goes sour or if it turns out great, you will have learned SO SO much about yourself, about women, and about relationships. And learning is great. If she's crazy I doubt you will make her any crazier.
Just be careful as she sounds like the sort of girl who might cheat again.
Technically Drew was the person who cheated on his girlfriend, as he had done it 3 times before. Nicole was beholden to him before this whole thing, she had a love for him that really didn't care for morals. The major problem was that she and Olivia were the best of friends, and after that they had a falling out. Olivia is kind of like Mello (oh god, anime reference), in that she appears to be a ditz, and much of the time, she is, but she can lose all emotions if she needs it. She wrecked Nicole, and drove many of her friends away because of it. I guess that's why I don't blame Nicole-each of the people in this triangle has done their own terrible thing, and the knowledge of that is what keeps me with them.
Another problem though is if you don't get into a relationship with her, and you find someone else she is going to get hurt. If you are a big part of her life, and she has to share that I could see that bieng bad as well.
=(
No win situation, thats why I hate pretending I am a white knight, you always are helping people who need to learn how to help themselves, but its hard to teach them that.
If you really want to help her without any of this romanticisation going on, set her down someplace private and talk to her. Tell her you're worried about the cutting and the anxiety attacks, tell her you want her to get help, and tell her you want to be a supportive friend while she gets better.
Oh, and I just noticed: has she been threatening suicide? If she has, please please please confide in a trusted teacher or counselor, or, if you know and trust her parents not to be assholes about it, tell her parents. She needs help as a teenager with mental issues, not as a "damsel in distress."
She hasn't, and she wouldn't.
I myself have gotten her to stop cutting. She started doing it, once, and in the same night it became something...well, terrible. I'm not saying that I believe that she's doing all these things out of love, and I don't take this as a romantic thing at all, what she's doing to herself. I simply believe that a lot of the triggers she has are from memories from Drew, and that, to heal herself, she needs to find a way to replace those painful memories and connections with good ones. If she connects romance to Drew, I honestly think that she'll have a painful life for a very long time, until she finds someone who is very accepting to help her through this. I think that I'm someone who can help her right now, and that my position as best friend is good, but that I could do so much more to help stabilize her.
I'm not saying that there isn't a risk, but I do recall that for a while I was going out with a girl from another town (for around 2 weeks last month, it wasn't really that big a thing). She got really ticked at me, she got really sad, etc.
I know that I'm not helping my cause, but if I'm going to be this important to her anyway, I might as well do all I can to help.
And yes, I sound slightly selfish. I think so too, that's why I'm asking you guys. I don't know if I want to do this to help her, or simply to help myself as a part of helping her. I feel good when I make people feel better, it's a personality trait. But I don't know if this is more altruistic or selfish.
She doesn't need to replace those painful memories, she needs to learn to deal with them. People have breakups. Breakups hurt. This is normal. What's not normal is to get anxiety attacks and cut yourself from them.
Say you step in, right? Say you let her transfer her issues to your relationship, so she's happy enough for awhile. What happens when you two break up? High school relationships almost never last, so what happens when she's alone again but hasn't learned how to deal with her own shit? You dating her so she doesn't have to deal with her own painful memories isn't helping her, it's enabling her to keep being screwed up.
So what should I do? I've spoken to her, and I've helped her stop crying herself to sleep and she hasn't cut herself besides the one night, when I noticed and asked her to stop.
Run far, far away.
Romantic relationships with people with untreated mental disorders are the absolute opposite of fun.
Now, regardless of all that, as a friend or boyfriend or whatever you end up deciding to be, there's nothing wrong with supporting her and/or protecting her from endangering herself, like by telling an adult/professional that you think she'd commit suicide, or about her cutting or whatever. But you shouldn't define your entire relationship with her by this: "how can I fix her?" She's not a broken iPod, she's a person. iPods aren't responsible for themselves, and people are.
Oh, god no. She's not broken, in my opinion, in any fashion. I think that she can help herself, she just needs support. I feel that I am the best person to give this support, and since we already have a romantic relationship, it, on a rational level, makes sense to me.
So be her friend, not her boyfriend. She doesn't need to have a boyfriend until she gets better.
Even on a totally-non-mental-health level, it's a bad idea to be with someone who hasn't gotten over his or her previous relationship.
Get rid of the "white knight" idea, get rid of the "damsel in distress" idea, stop thinking you're going to "save" her, and encourage her to go talk to a school counselor. Be a supportive friend (if, indeed, you can do that without trying to get into her pants). If she gets to the point where she's not messed up in the head and she still wants to date you, consider it then, but right now, it's a terrible idea to get into a romantic relationship with her.
Lose it. Acting like a girl's therapist when your completely untrained as well as keeping ideas like the above is not healthy for you or her, and really serves only to possibly fuck things up. There's a thin but important line between being the shoulder to cry on and taking on way, way more than you can handle. I would also strongly recommend not getting involved in a relationship with her; it seems like she's in a really fragile mental state right now, and that doesn't seem like something that would help it to me.
Prolly a bit of both, IMHO. Sooner or later one realizes that they have needs to meet, sometimes if a persons life is... exceedingly complex, they require a certain complexity in others around them, and especially in those they choose to have relationships with.
I think complex people realize that by helping others in some ways, they free that person to address other issues in thier lives. People tend to love in the same way they would like to be loved, to be accepted, despite whatever other issues may be going on in one's life. By simplifying certain issues for other people, complex people in turn have parts of their own lives simplified, resolving or helping them cope with their own needs and problems.
I think the need to help (speaking as someone with the same kind of attraction to emotionally complex people) is a healthy manifestation of the need to control and be empowered in ones own life. Yes, it is selfish in the way that it gets us something that we want, but it is also giving in the way that we apply that need and that energy towards creating something beneficial in another person's life. A win/win situation, really.
What I would warn against is the feeling that something might be 'owed' to you for your time and trouble. Its one thing to help because you honestly feel that helping makes the world a better a place in some small way, its another thing entirely to help with the expectation that that help should result in certain consessions towards your own relationship or behaiviors.
Sometimes, and I'm not saying this is the case here, complex people have insecurity issues, and feel the need to go above and beyond to make up for their own (real or perceived) shortcomings as people. Its healthier than say, being a jealous/controlling a-hole, but it never really addresses the root issue in play-and so the person is never really satisfied, no matter how much effort they put into another, because the real motivation for doing so is obscured and repressed into something unnoticed or unrecognizable.
Nobody, nobody does something for nothing, so if you catch yourself consistantly doing so, there's probably something deeper going on if you care to look for it.
Yeah basically this.
If you truly see yourself as a white knight and you think you are helping her with her problems, I doubt that the playing field is very level between you two to have an honest, even relationship. By having these white knight fantasies, you're basically saying that she's a project, and you can fix her. It doesn't feel like you really think of her as an equal, and you've already alluded to be concerned over what power you have to influence her life, that she would have more invested than you.
Has there been a period in your friendship where things were even? It sounds like you were introduced to her when she was already dealing with problems. Do you know who she is outside of when she is troubled? Is the relationship between you largely based on and defined by you supporting her through getting over another relationship?
In short, none of this sounds healthy.
It's funny, because honestly I think the same way. My father and mother have a very equal relationship, and I want to have that when, one day, I get married.
I feel for her because I went through many similar things as she has earlier. I've felt extreme love that wasn't returned, I've felt suicidal urges, I've been isolated from my friends. However, I was able to pull myself out of these problems, albeit with some emotional difficulty and after 17 years of pretty much constant crap.
I would disagree. We talk about that often, but we usually talk about normal things, like manga we like, or books, or classes, or mutual friends. I'd say that most of the time that I knew her before recently, we were on a very equal standing. When she started opening up to me, I started supporting her more.
We're actually rather tall.
I just recently got out of a two year relationship with someone that had bipolar disorder, cut herself, and sounds a lot like the girl your talking about. She ended up cheating on me and leaving me for a man eight years older than her. The details are a lot worse but I won't go into them. I suspect this was largely because he had an apartment and was at a stage in his life where he could provide for himself...as a full time Wal-Mart employee. She found someone that she thought could not only use for her emotional and physical needs but her financial needs as well. The unfortunate thing about people with mental disorders is that they, often un-intentionally, end up using others to meet their needs.
My relationship, if you could call it that, was great at first. I too gave in to this "white knight syndrome". My family loved her everything was great. However her issues slowly re-surfaced, took control of, and drove the relationship into the ground. She became an anchor. When the relationship ended friends and family were happy and her actions had bred alot of hate with them..alot.
Now I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt that this girl you speak of is not going to turn into the manipulative cruel bitch my ex was/is. However you must realize that this relationship will likely only end in a whole lot of hurt. People with mental illness do not often have complete control over what they do, alteast not like the sane. They end up doing things without really understanding why they are doing it or what the consequences are. In the end they hurt themselves and everyone around them. This pattern cannot change until they get professional help. You are not a professional.
You are free to be friends with this girl. However I would really recommend that you start to distance yourself. If she is being this emotionally attached to you as a friend what do you think a relationship with this girl will be like? What do you think a long-term relationship will be like?
The best relationships are with those that on equal footing. The best relationships are with those that are strong sane people. There will be other girls. The time will come around. Do not let a girl like this be your first relationship.
Steam 3DS: 1160-9885-2554
I dunno, from my experience, just because you ask them to stop doesn't mean they actually do.
They just find better ways to hide it.
It also sounds like age might be a issue here. If you don't mind me asking, how old are all the parties involved? I am guessing in the 16-18 range.
I would say to stay away honestly. This is alot of drama. and the possibility of a serious mental problem. Friendship is one thing, but a serious relationship at this point in her life might not be a good thing.
I take offence to this.
I'm not in this to get into the pants of the emotionally weak girl. I'm in this to help both of our romantic lives, which are both filled with pain and declines. That you're casting me like that is cruel, ridiculous, and simply not true.
Indeed, you're in this to be a hero, and one part of that fantasy is that the hero gets the girl. Of course if accused of such you'll deny any interest in sex but then that's because if you're motivated by sex you're not really a hero and so it harshes your buzz. Believe it or not, psychologically healthy women find white-knight-syndrome offensive too.
Hey now, woah now, hey now.
Lets not get all 'underlying sexual motivation'y about shit, because that particular realm of activity could be broadened to include the entirity of human interaction.
Of course there are are underlying themes, fantasies and motivations. Thats a given due to basic human nature. Dont hate on the man for being born. There's a wide range of things a person can do to create opportunities for physical and emotional closeness, and of these potential things- some nice, some naughty, and some brutal- the desire and action to help and see someone have a better, healthier and happier life is a pretty decent way to go.
It is natural and normal to form close bonds based on exchanging strengths and covering each others weaknessess. The 'hero' is simply using his situational strength to help another face and resolve a challanging situation. The 'damsel' has her own strengths, that fulfill the emotional or situational needs of the hero. If its a fruitful and mutually beneficial exchange, that is the very definition of a positive relationship.
A person is more than one aspect of their lives, and brings more to the table than the results in one specific area. Taking that one item out of the context of the relationship as a whole is terribly unfair. Relationships are about interexchanges, to be accurate and fair, one would need to assess what both parties are offering and exchanging with each other.
I've been in a situation much like yourself. I used to play "white knight" everywhere I went to. I used to sign onto AIM and get about 4 - 5 messages asking for help from a variety of people. I enjoyed it, as you do, because I like helping people.
But after months and months of doing that one of them started confiding in me just as this girl is to you. Talking about how she loves me and all that... And I fell for it. I thought the same as you: First relationship, I'm supportive/nice/caring, and she needs that to get better.
So I did. And after 3 months into it, things fell apart. Hard. She started doing very obsessive things, and trying to control me. She would break up with me, and then call me back the next day... Okay well, let's just say it was a very, very bad situation.
Ethan, please, for the sake of your own mental strength... Think through this long and hard. Don't put yourself into a situation that you'll regret later on in life, as I have.
Good luck, sir.
Seeing as he's not a therapist and couldn't function in such a role while simultaneously dating her (conflict of interests), and how he's highly unlikely to be devoting these kinds of energy and attentions to anyone besides her everything you just said is just making up excuses.
So what are you saying? That you cant be kind and supportive without a degree in Niceology? Or that positive influences cannot occur without the required professional training?
Ludicrous.
If one can listen, accept, pay attention and do one's best to help and understand, one is more than qualified to be a good friend. Sometimes just having a good friend can make all the difference.
You know what's fucking tragic? When people are to afraid to get involved with the people they care about because they don't feel good enough or qualified enough to help. You don't need a Bachelors of Social Work to hand out soup to the homeless, and you don't need a goddamn Psych degree to listen to someone troubled and care about them. Every little bit helps, and people should feel free to give what they can.
Its not a cure, fine. But its a fuckload better than nothing.
Nope. He can absolutely be a supportive friend. That would require that he not enable her issues, however. Which is what he'd be doing by getting into this relationship at this point given the information above.
Or he could look at the bigger picture, and decide to not be a dick. You're asking him to only get involved if he can 'handle' her, that is, to persuade her or to set boundaries and ultimatims into the relationship. Which is counter to acceptance and understanding. That's fine for casual relationships - or even as part of the criteria for forming them.
Its not bad advice, but its not the only way to go. One can certainly just be involved, and let their own way of thinking naturally carry over and influence the other person. Your advice falls to the behavioral therapy model, successful in its own right. Mine is simply coming from the cognitive therapy model, which is just as successful. There are many different cats to skin, with many ways of doing so.
Nice. And by disregarding the OP, you have now consigned him to dating only those people he is not attracted to.
Simply put, some people need to be needed, and they are going to be attracted to those who need them.
I would put money down that the OP's white knighting is just a way to say, 'I know what it means to be messed up. Man, if I could be the person I wish I had had, I would feel pretty damn good about myself.'
Which is a healthy, understandable, and positive way to be.
I'm fine with the guys who realize the mentality I'm coming from, but the borderline ad hominems are the things ticking me off. I do have a romantic attachment to this girl, but I'm not looking to do this for a primarily selfish reason. I don't want to do this if it means hurting her. In the end, yes, I was decided late last night when a friend who went through the same thing with another girl, and who knows the two of us very well, said that it's worth it. I'm still stuck in this problem, but we spoke on it, and I am convinced that, if I remain to be the same person I've been in the year, I'll be able to be understanding no matter what crazy things she throws at me. I doubt that she'll resort to stalking, as she never did that with Drew, and we trust each other enough to be honest about it.
THIS IS PROFOUNDLY UNHEALTHY AND NOT GOOD ADVICE
If I see this presented as advice in H/A again I'm going to either infract the person doing it, or ban them for a week for being too fucking stupid to use the forums depending on the circumstance.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
As someone who's been far, far more messed up than your little "damsel in distress" and managed to get over it: no, it's not worth it. You're not going to help her by dating her. You're going to mess her up worse, and she's going to mess you up worse. People become psychologically healthy by dealing with their own issues, not by using new relationships as band-aids.
Your posts over this whole thread have screamed "Help me justify this thing I want to do anyway." First, you describe a girl who nobody with sense would classify as mentally stable. Next, when people point this out, you backtrack and try to make her sound less screwed up: "oh, she only cut herself one time," "oh, she can fix herself without me." It sounds like you just want to date/fuck this girl and were looking for people to tell you it'd be fine, and when you recieved answers you didn't want, you got all huffy. If you want to be codependent and be with this girl even if it's bad for you both, go do that, but don't get on here asking "will I help this girl by dating her" and ignoring answers that tell you it's a terrible, horrible idea.
That wasn't advice. Its just the way things are.
I would wholeheartedly agree that that particular issue can lead to some very, very nasty situations.
Jeebus Doc.
And VM, since when did emo drama enter into addiction counselling territory? Co-dependant? Are you fucking serious? People help people all the time, and relationships are formed on that premise.
In fact, why dont you show me one that isn't.
No man is an island, no individual is self-satiated and completely independant- we are a social creature. By your definition, love itself is an addiction, and anyone in loving relationships are co-dependants enabling each other's habit.
Unrealistic, unreasonable, and at the end of the day, unhelpful.
The Op says he's attracted to people who are a certain way because of certain reasons, and the answer your giving when boiled down is: It would be best if you were not attracted to people who are that way.
I would humbly suggest, given that one cannot change what they are attracted to, that positive methods of coping, rather than outright self-denial, seem to be the order of the day.
Honestly, it sounds like these are very young, very inexperienced people who don't know any better and with time they'll grow out of these bullshit habits, but suggesting that it's okay to live that way only encourages habit forming behavior and before you know it they aren't very young and very inexperienced, they're adults who belong in therapy and probably won't seek it.
You can't go around looking for people who'll need you. You won't be happy in the end. It's called codependency and I'm not joking when I say it's profoundly unhealthy for EVERYONE involved. You're building up unrealistic expectations and unreasonable desires and really, just move on.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Trowzilla, I'm sorry, but I'm more likely to trust people from RL because they know the situation better than you guys do. I am in a moral conumdrum, I will admit. That's why I posted here, I wanted advice. I do want to be in a romantic relation with her, but not if it will hurt her. However, the way I described her was foolish, focusing on the things I was worried about rather than the whole package. I realize that I sound like an idiot right now, but I want to say that you do not know me, and, much more importantly, you do not know her. I responded badly to your argument, because I don't feel that you are coming from the same place as I am. I am an understanding, kind person, and Nicole is a kind person who is fiercely independent, even if she is going through these problems. Some of the people in this thread have been in the same situation as I am, and I am willing to listen to them. I don't want to abuse her, I want the love we feel for each other to be fulfilled. I think that I can help her without having to be a psychologist, that I just have to be supportive in any way I can. If she lives in an enviroment where external circumstances around her weren't getting fucked up all the time, she could quite easily become a happy person, she has it in her, and I want to help her get to this place. If fucking her hurts her in the long run, I straight up won't do it. The same is true for a bunch of other things, but I think that this might be the best path, in fact, I'm nearly sure of it.
edit-Woah, Sarcastro, I was with you until the needing people who need me thing. I have, in my life, found myself enamored of women of all different personality types, this was simply a situation in which I developed a fraternal relation with a girl (a thing that I am, by now, used to-the way my personality plays out simply makes me more likely to be the best friend than the boyfriend), which turned into a mutual romantic one over time. I've harbored attractions to strong women, independent women, and, at that point, I am more often than not more likely to love a girl who is a strong person. This is the exception, not the rule. That this happens to be my first major (IE, not "oh, hey, I'm a guy, you're a girl, let's do something sometime") relationship is coincidence. It could have happened with any other number of women. However, events have brought me into the situation in which this girl and I have an attraction to each other. The thing that is pulling me back is not wanting to hurt her combined with the introspection to realize that this might lead to pain for her if I do this from a selfish mindset, or if I don't try to help her get to as healthy a point that she is stable before even attempting to become physical.
Kid, you're in high school. Your messed-up "damsel in distress" is in high school. You get off on trying to "fix" screwed up people; in fact, them being screwed up is what makes them attractive to you. Can you not see how this is a problem?