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guilt from success
HalberdBlue
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Lately I've been feeling really guilty about doing so well at everything, but I don't know how to deal with it at all. It would be bad for my future to stop doing so well at everything, but at the same time I don't see how I can get rid of this guilt unless I start failing at stuff, which would be bad for my future as well. I guess I can say that my main source of guilt is doing well academically. I'm a Physics/Math major/minor so its not like I'm taking a bunch of easy classes, but I feel really bad when I get back a test and I get a very good score, and then all my friends have 50's, 60's and 70's (with a 60-ish average for the class). I never study or do homework alone except for the night before a test (EDIT: to clarify, I'm not saying I don't study, because I study every day, I'm saying that I always study in groups but study alone the night before any given test), so I'm always studying with my friends and I can help them when they need it etc. I also feel guilty because I do really well socially, but I chalk that up to going to a nerd school, and the stereotypical nerd doesn't have good social skills and so I don't feel that I'm above average when one considers the normal population. I never felt this guilt before college, and I think that was just because I felt school was so easy that people who weren't doing well just weren't trying hard. But now that I'm going to a school where everyone is smart and studies hard for the most part, I find myself feeling guilty for doing well.
So does anybody have any suggestions on how to deal with this kind of guilt? I guess that I am just having a hard time accepting that life isn't fair and I just got dealt a very good hand, but knowing that really doesn't help me.
So does anybody have any suggestions on how to deal with this kind of guilt? I guess that I am just having a hard time accepting that life isn't fair and I just got dealt a very good hand, but knowing that really doesn't help me.
HalberdBlue on
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Take the good hand life has dealt you and do good with it; help people out by volunteering with the free time you have from not having to do homework, tutor kids who need help, etc. Use your success to better others.
Realize that you have it good, that other people don't, and that there's nothing wrong with having advantages any more than there is anything wrong with having disadvantages. Everybody has to do their best with the situation they end up with, and there are so many people who would give anything to be better off than they are, so it's a little weird to feel bad about having the kind of advantages that others would accept without hesitation. Look at it from the perspective of someone who hasn't been gifted like you have, and you'll see that it's only natural to want to be in the situtation you're in, rather than want to be out of it, or to feel guilty about it.
Talk to a Jew. They know all about how to deal with guilt. If you're Jewish yourself, talk to another Jew, or just get used to it because this is going to be your life forever.
Read a lot of Ayn Rand. You'll realize that worshipping yourself is like, the best thing ever, and far from being guilty you should be getting a medal or something.
Double major in something you're not so great at. Nothing chops down on the ego (and the associated guilt) more than getting schooled in an English class by someone who in a few years will be lucky to have a job writing at all. I know I wouldn't mind having a bunch of super smart math people in all my humanities classes for me to feel superior to.
Admittedly I do get annoyed sometimes when I see someone doing really well in a class without trying, while I am working my butt off and only getting average grades... but if that same person is engaged in extremely difficult studies and working hard to get those high grades I am not annoyed at all, I'm impressed.
Also, I don't think you should feel guilty... it sounds like you are gifted and that's just the way you are. But since you say you do feel guilty I think a good way to change that would be to challenge yourself.
EDIT: I'm gonna edit my OP for clarification, since I just noticed it looks like I said that I don't study except for the night before a test, when I mean that I always study in groups, except the night before a test when I study alone.
You know what? Don't feel bad, and for the love of GOD don't feel ashamed that you're actually doing well. It took me a while to realize that I shouldn't feel that way just because my friend was an asshole, because I worked really hard to get to that point, and worked really hard afterwards to finish the projects the school faculty would give me. So, don't feel guilty about doing well.
it's different if you're being an A-hole and rubbing it in other people's faces, but I gather that you don't.
Sorry if this doesn't help, I'm rather tired after a long day of working on like five thousand art projects.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
If you're really as good at life as you claim you are, you can set some awesome goals for yourself. Hey, you could even do awesome things for others.
My first impulse is just to say "get over it", but maybe it'd make you feel better if you were helping other people succeed as well. Why not take up tutoring or something?
Don't be so presumptuous as to assume that since you get good grades easily and have way more social skills, you're some hot rod superstar who should lower himself to the level of his peers so he won't feel guilty about being so awesome. There's a whole range of qualities that make good people. Kindness, generosity, tact, humor, respect, etc. Intelligence and social skills are but two. Look for the other good qualities in your friends and respect them for it. Then look at yourself and respect yourself for what you have.
Your peers are all individuals and they choose to live their life how they want. If they wanted to do better in school, if they wanted to ace every exam like you, there would be a million things they'd do different. They would study more, talk more to the professors, get help from people like you who are already doing really well.
If you want to feel better, think more along the lines of how you can better help them achieve their goals, be it academic or other, and not how you should shortchange yourself.
And I cant really explain without sounding like a complete arrogant jackass but here goes:
So I was the same for the most part, especially in my 2nd and 3rd years. On a writing course. the problem for me was that, well, I just 'got' writing from day one and was consistently great at it with no effort at all.
the problem arose when, as you have said, I started to achieve great scores for little to mostly no effort, when my classmates were struggling and putting in twice as much work.
What did I do? Or to be more accurate, what should I have done? Just go for gold. University friends are friends for life most of the time, but really, I tried purposefully underachieving and it made me even more depressed. The resentment from my classmates at being good and lazy was compounded by the knowledge that I was wasting my time at university doing such a thing for popularity and friendship.
It was hard, extended periods of depression and loneliness. In the end though, real friends are those who stick with you no matter who you are. If people are resenting you or casting dispersions because of your success then you don't want to know them anyways.
In the end I suggest you just plow through, put in maximum effort and blitz the whole thing.
It is important to work at your stuff rather than coast through. Even if it is unnecessary extra effort. It is more rewarding to you and shows you are committed to your tasks to your friends and classmates.
The most important thing is to never purposefully underachieve. That worsens the situation in every possible way and solves nothing. I tried it. And failed. And suffered for it worse than I was in before.
Haha. Good one. This school has a very well deserved reputation for kicking people's ass into the ground. Its kicking my ass, I'm just doing well despite of it.
I know a lot of people who experience the same feelings that you do, and I think a lot of it stems from how your peers treated you due to your intellect.
It's a lot easier said than done, but you've got to work past that shit if that's the cause. Life changes a lot between middle/high school years and college, and most people who aren't brain dead will respect and admire you for your intellect now instead of harassing you.
In short, throw off the burden of your past. This time - College - is yours for the taking. Master it. Smack it around and make it your bitch. And as long as you're not berating other people for being less intelligent than you are, you'll be appreciated for your mental aptitude.
No, not at all actually. I think this thread has helped me a lot though. Consider it solved I guess?