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Overreacting or justified?
Quoth
the RavenMiami, FL FOR REALRegistered User regular
the RavenMiami, FL FOR REALRegistered User regular
I feel weird asking about help with this, but I kind of want some perspectives outside my circle of friends.
My husband went away on a business trip for several days. The number of times he called me per day went down until, on the last day, he didn't call me at all. I called him repeatedly, just once at first to let him know that I was going somewhere that might prevent me from hearing my phone ring, then gradually more often as he failed to return my calls and I got increasingly worried. I eventually (around 2am) got hysterical and started looking up hospitals and police stations and debating whether I should call around to see whether something had happened to him. I remembered that he was with a friend, and I called that friend's phone and got no response. By that point, I was sobbing like an idiot thinking that something had happened and there was nothing I could do about it.
At 3am, I finally got a hold of him. I couldn't even talk, I was so overwhelmed. I was relieved. I was upset. I told him I couldn't talk, hung up on him and cried for a while, then went to bed.
The thing is, I haven't spoken to him about all this. I haven't asked for explanations, or berated him for making me so worried, or anything. The next day I had such a migraine that I couldn't move from the couch, and by the time he got home I was ready for bed. Then I had to go to work, so I didn't see him again until late at night.
I guess I want to know whether I should sit him down and ask him why he didn't call me, and explain that it really upset me, or whether I should just let it go and deal with it myself. This is not the first time he's done something like this, and it probably won't be the last time, so I'm leaning toward keeping my mouth shut. But it's really bothering me, and I don't want to carry this emotional baggage around.
Also, when I finally contacted him, he wanted to pass the phone to his friend, who he claimed had something to say to me. Should I ask about this IF I end up talking to him? I feel like the friend was going to offer up excuses or take responsibility or something, but I really have no idea.
Thanks in advance.
My husband went away on a business trip for several days. The number of times he called me per day went down until, on the last day, he didn't call me at all. I called him repeatedly, just once at first to let him know that I was going somewhere that might prevent me from hearing my phone ring, then gradually more often as he failed to return my calls and I got increasingly worried. I eventually (around 2am) got hysterical and started looking up hospitals and police stations and debating whether I should call around to see whether something had happened to him. I remembered that he was with a friend, and I called that friend's phone and got no response. By that point, I was sobbing like an idiot thinking that something had happened and there was nothing I could do about it.
At 3am, I finally got a hold of him. I couldn't even talk, I was so overwhelmed. I was relieved. I was upset. I told him I couldn't talk, hung up on him and cried for a while, then went to bed.
The thing is, I haven't spoken to him about all this. I haven't asked for explanations, or berated him for making me so worried, or anything. The next day I had such a migraine that I couldn't move from the couch, and by the time he got home I was ready for bed. Then I had to go to work, so I didn't see him again until late at night.
I guess I want to know whether I should sit him down and ask him why he didn't call me, and explain that it really upset me, or whether I should just let it go and deal with it myself. This is not the first time he's done something like this, and it probably won't be the last time, so I'm leaning toward keeping my mouth shut. But it's really bothering me, and I don't want to carry this emotional baggage around.
Also, when I finally contacted him, he wanted to pass the phone to his friend, who he claimed had something to say to me. Should I ask about this IF I end up talking to him? I feel like the friend was going to offer up excuses or take responsibility or something, but I really have no idea.
Thanks in advance.
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The demon code prevents me from declining a rockoff challenge.
Whether or not you're justified in being so worried is more dependent on your relationship. Do you normally talk every day when one of you is out of town? Does he understand how worried you get?
My first response is to say you're overreacting, as it wasn't even 24 hours before you could talk to him, but it really depends on your relationship, and what both of your expectations are.
find out what's up. If it were me, I'd also apologize for being so overly emotional and say I'm a worrier (which is very true), and that I just wanted to make sure he was alright. Next time please make sure there's a call on at least the last day of the trip to prevent me from being worried, and sorry again for being so damn crazy
but, that's me, and my emotional insanity. My guy and I have gone through lots of things due to my emotional insanity, I know how nutso I can be
I would suggest this, as long as you can do it calmly and rationally. Just talk to him, tell him it upset you and you were extremely worried because you didn't hear from him and didn't know what was going on. And give him a chance to explain why he wasn't picking up.
Just put it out there so he knows, but try not to make a huge deal out of it.
If you don't say anything about it you'll just get even more upset and angry if it happens again.
Edit:
Sure maybe. But if he doesn't have a reason for why he wouldn't/couldn't answer his phone it's pretty rude to not answer the phone when his wife is calling, just to say he's fine/whatever.
But ask yourself somethings first.
Do you smother your husband? From what you've said it sounds like whenever get gets some time away from you get gets some time away from you. Meaning: going out with some friends, seeing a movie, eating out at the taco bell, etc. Does he ever get any alone time when you're home?
Like I said I'm not accusing or anything I'm just asking a couple questions to get a better picture of the situation.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
Thats a more tactfull way of conveying my previous message... carry on!
The demon code prevents me from declining a rockoff challenge.
We typically talk a couple of times during the day normally.
We rarely travel separately.
We rarely go out separately; our circles of friends almost completely overlap.
I don't get worried about, say, my sister when I can't get a hold of her; she lives in another city.
I DO get worried about my mom, because she has a very fixed schedule and thus it is remarkable when she cannot be contacted.
By the time he called me, it had been 26 hours since our last conversation.
I don't know his friend very well, but the guy is pretty sleazy.
I am NOT trying to justify myself by any means. As a follow-up question, even though this is a fairly isolated incident, should I maybe talk to a psychiatrist about it?
Talk to him, Quoth, and let him know that you find being left out of the loop and/or ignored very distressing. If he doesn't know what your expectations are, and if you don't know what his are, this scenario is bound to repeat itself.
Well. That is hard to say, really. I am by no means qualified to say whether or not you should, but I always went the route of trying to solve it myself first. So the next time something like this happens, you can make a checklist of things to tell yourself in order to calm down a little bit.
The demon code prevents me from declining a rockoff challenge.
This reminds me - i need to call my wife.
But that's just it - from her post, it's already repeating itself.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
I think it is up to your husband to determine what defines "smothering," not you. However, both of you should be well aware of the definition. My two cents, anyway.
And if his definition of "smothering" involves me being in another room and not talking to him while I play video games, then clearly I need a new dictionary.
I guess so far the consensus is that 1) I overreacted and 2) I should talk to him about it anyway. Does that sound right?
As for (1), it's pretty impossible for strangers like us to judge the nature of your relationship over the internet. What the situation is for you guys isn't something that can be easily grasped just by seeing it on an internet forum
But as for number (2), yeah, I'd definitely recommend it. It's clear that this is something that really affected you, and bottling it up won't do any good. Just be sure to discuss it calmly and try and help him understand just how you felt, and the reasons you felt that way. Communication about these things is always vitally important in a relationship. Ask him what happened, and why he couldn't contact you, or why he felt it wasn't as much of a priority (assuming that was the case). If he just felt that there was no real need to, then maybe that's a starting point for a whole other discussion to be had as well.
I don't necessarily get upset when they do contact me back, but they still scared the hell out of me and made me worry.
1) yes, no, maybe, who knows. We don't know enough about your relationship. Given the frequency with which you talk and the fact that he wasn't answering his phone/returning calls for that long, I'm not sure it was overreacting. But for 2) yes. Talk to him about it.
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I would communicate with him, but then again I've pushed people away by communicating my paranoia so who knows.
What the...
Seriously, what is this crap? O_o
Being with a friend means he has to have gone to a Strip Club? Look, stop pushing your own weird life on other people, it makes the rest of us feel unclean.
Want to hit up the strip club?
Seriously though, just be honest with him and talk to him (like I said before) and try not to start over reacting and don't panic. Just be calm...
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
Shoot dog, you know it. Lemme grab me some dollar bills.
He also hates sports. He goes to anime conventions and dresses as Kefka. He is a very special dude.
edit:: too slow!
Was he devouring espers and magicite and trying to bring the dimensions under his thumb?
I could understand not picking up the phone if you're in the middle of dominating Leviathan.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
It's not an automatic must have final freaking conclusion. Sherlock Holmes would not jump to that and say elementary my dear Watson (and dude actually jumped to a LOT of conclusions as it is).
But I've also come to realize that nobody owes me that little bit of relief. Then again, he's your husband and you should train him to do what you want. :P (At least in this regard.)
This is exactly the sort of shit that I hate about mobile phones, and resisted getting one because of it. People aren't designed to be "always-on". Maybe he left the phone in the car. Maybe he was having so much fun with his friend he forgot to call, and then when he remembered he thought it was too late and you'd have gone to bed. Maybe he was drunk off his ass and wasn't capable of answering the phone in any meaningful way.
It doesn't matter. You'll probably get a very good reason when you talk to him, and then realise that you need to chill out.
I'm a little concerned that you trust your husband so little that going out with a "sleazy" friend is cause for concern. All men have friends their significant others don't approve of, doesn't mean all men can't be trusted. It seems you are happy to let your sister have her own life, but your Mother and him are in a close enough proximity that they need to check in with you all the time.
You need to chill.
The fact that it is only one day and he is a grown man is what has made me so unsure of my own position. I try to be a logical person, so when my logic circuit breaks I find it difficult to cope.
Part of the problem that I didn't mention is that his grandmother was admitted to the hospital that day, and so my paranoia was compounded by visions of myself having to tell his sick grandmother that her grandson had died/vanished/whatever. He is her favorite. She probably would have kicked the bucket right there.
So how does one cope with this? And at what point does it go past normal worrying and into OCD territory? Is there any clear line?
I actually think you need to see someone. That's very very paranoid self-talk without any basis in reality, and it's affecting the way you make decisions.
Whoa, hold on. Maybe most men have friends their SO's don't approve of, but mine just has the one. And I certainly don't generalize to "men can't be trusted" because I think that one guy is sleazy. The dude is in his forties, unemployed, and smells like a homeless person. I treat him politely and respectfully despite my personal misgivings.
Also, I don't need them to "check in" with me all the time. I can go days without talking to my mom, although she tends to call me every day or so. I talk to my dad maybe once a week, likewise my sister. The difference between my mom and my sister/dad is that one lives alone and the others live with people. So if something happened to my sister or dad, someone would call me. If something happens to my mom, I'm the person that everyone else would look to for information.
I guess I come from a very different culture, and I had no idea. I probably do need to chill, so yeah.
I'm no psychologist but according to the DSM-IV, I interpret what you are talking about - this escalating and debilitating morbid kind of paranoia - as the "obsessive" part of OCD. And you seem compelled into a "need' to have your husband call you. It's not a typical ritual, but it's something you obsess over: "is he alright?" and "why won't he call!" - two obsessive tendencies and they can consume you.
My suggestion would be to communicate all of this to a therapist.
edit: It's abnormal to jump from "it's 2am and he hasn't called me" to "he's dead in X, Y, or Z fashion." Which is why I think you have OCD or something of that nature.
Well, I played WoW for a few hours after I got home from a party, I didn't just sit around wringing my hands. But I definitely find it difficult to turn off that little voice that comes up with wild speculation.
Is there somewhere that I can learn more about this "paranoid self-talk" stuff? I don't do this all the time, but when things like this come up, it definitely seems to get out of control.
Depending on your relationship, the amount of communication changes. For the most part, nobody can give guidance on "you should talk to your spouse minimum once per day". So, if - in your relationship - it's expected to converse/check-in once per day, then you can be upset if your husband does not do this. Let's say no such agreement exists, you may still have justification to be upset because you feel he was not considerate of you or your feelings.
That said, there is a more serious issue I see here:
This is irrational behaviour under the circumstances as you've described to us. It could, perhaps, be rationalized if, in your relationship, you are 100% expected to converse at a certain time or frequency, but it sounds like that isn't the case.
Assuming it is unjustified, as I posit, I would say it stems from either abandonment issues, or control issues. The idea of control issues comes from:
Which sounds like intense frustration from having no control of something you expected to have control of.
If this is sounding possible, then you should consider what the cause of it is for you. Reflect on your life and consider what happened that might cause you to be irrational in this situation.
Personally, I don't much care for the idea of talking to psychiatrists about things. I think its better to fix your problems yourself.. identify the issue, consider the possible causes, determine what changes are necessary, and self-audit periodically. This is my personal belief, however, and I don't want to apply my values onto you. If you feel you should talk to a professional, or at least another person, then by all means do so.
This is what councellors help you to do. The big thing for me when I had councelling was that I knew what was wrong, but was unable to find out why. If you can do it for yourself, then all the better. If you can't, that's when they step in.
I'm honestly not looking to sound like an idiot here, but I don't understand, at all, how this follows. If you think he's liable to do it again, shouldn't you tell him it upsets you? Whether or not you were over-reacting, he should know that you might get freaked out so he could notify you when he's going to summon Leviathan/go to a strip club/whatever and will not be answering the phone for the next couple of hours. I thought communication was important so partners could actually learn their bedfellow's quirks and cope with them. If you feel you went too far, it might not be a bad idea to talk to some form of therapist, either, that's your call, but for Pete's sake don't let these things fester between you and your husband! I'm sure he doesn't like hurting you, unintentionally or otherwise.