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My Girlfriend is Leaving
ElPresPufferfish
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
To be honest this is about 60/40 venting/omgineedadvice
My girlfriend and I have been going out for about a year. I'll be a senior in college next year, she'll be a junior.
Yesterday my girlfriend was accepted to her study abroad in Japan. It's 11 months long. Right now I'm about 2000 miles away from her for an internship for summer. I'll get back in the middle of August, and she's going to Japan in early September, so that doesn't leave much time. To make things worse, since her study abroad is so long that by the time she gets back I'll have graduated, and will most likely have moved 2000mi away for a job.
Needless to say I'm not thrilled at the prospect on not knowing when the next time I'll see my girlfriend for any serious length of time is. We both knew this was coming, but I think we both just wanted to ignore it until she got officially accepted.
I'm pretty much freaking out, and I don't really know how to feel. On one hand, we've only been going out a year, but we're really close. We've been through a lot, and I'm really serious about being with her. I just have no idea how I'm going to deal with being apart for between 11mo and godknowshowlong.
I feel like such an asshole - I don't want it to be like some sort of me or aonceinalifetimeopportunity choice for her, but I know that if she stayed I'd probably look for a local job for a year, or maybe go to graduate school or something until she graduated and we could move somewhere together.
tldr: Girlfriend studying abroad for 11mo. Possible won't see her for longer. I am freaking out.
My girlfriend and I have been going out for about a year. I'll be a senior in college next year, she'll be a junior.
Yesterday my girlfriend was accepted to her study abroad in Japan. It's 11 months long. Right now I'm about 2000 miles away from her for an internship for summer. I'll get back in the middle of August, and she's going to Japan in early September, so that doesn't leave much time. To make things worse, since her study abroad is so long that by the time she gets back I'll have graduated, and will most likely have moved 2000mi away for a job.
Needless to say I'm not thrilled at the prospect on not knowing when the next time I'll see my girlfriend for any serious length of time is. We both knew this was coming, but I think we both just wanted to ignore it until she got officially accepted.
I'm pretty much freaking out, and I don't really know how to feel. On one hand, we've only been going out a year, but we're really close. We've been through a lot, and I'm really serious about being with her. I just have no idea how I'm going to deal with being apart for between 11mo and godknowshowlong.
I feel like such an asshole - I don't want it to be like some sort of me or aonceinalifetimeopportunity choice for her, but I know that if she stayed I'd probably look for a local job for a year, or maybe go to graduate school or something until she graduated and we could move somewhere together.
tldr: Girlfriend studying abroad for 11mo. Possible won't see her for longer. I am freaking out.
ElPresPufferfish on
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By the way, whenever my girlfriend brought up study abroad as something she was interested in, I asked her bluntly not to because I knew it'd be very hard for us to keep up a relationship on those terms. We're happily married now, so it worked out well for me. Of course, this was when she was bringing it up as a casual interest, not a "I'm all set and dying to go" kind of thing, which is different.
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That's a good point. If there's any possible way you could do this, that seems like the only realistic way to hold onto your relationship in this situation.
Also, this is more of a personal philosophy, but I have a pretty strict rule about not changing my life radically for a woman, and pretty much expect any girlfriends I would have to feel the same way. It's just too much a liability and if things go south you end up playing the blame game and it can ruin everything. Of course I've never been in love.....so ymmv.
You could teach English in Japan via the JET program, I'm not sure if that's the only way to do it in Japan. You could also teach English in Korea or China which isn't very far away, not that its ideal.
Really I would say figure out what you want to do that year and do that. If you want to go to grad school, go to grad school and then decide if you want to make it work. If you just want to get a job somewhere for a year then do that. If you really want to start your career then you should do that. If you want to do some traveling/living for a while maybe do that.
But I think the important thing is to first figure out what it is you want to do, and figure out how to keep the relationship going/if its worth it, etc.
Sure, things could work out and in 20 years it would be a story to tell the kids. More likely it will put a huge emotional strain on you both, and you will end up breaking up. Why not take a break and see if you can pick things up when she gets back or something. Don't do what you want to do for you. Do what is best for her. Then no matter what happens you will know that you did the right thing.
Best of luck in any case.
The English teaching bubble burst some time ago, it's really hard for folks to get jobs as English teachers over there, so without a degree in Japanese I really doubt you'd be able to get work.
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Had you guys planned out what would happen post your graduation if she wasn't going to be in Japan? Were you still going to move away for a job, or were you gonna stick around until she was done?
Anyway, from my experience, here's what this is going to take if it's going to work
1. Both of you need to be serious about wanting to make it work.
2. Both of you need to think that staying together while apart is a better decision than taking some time off
3. You are going to need to make time to talk every day. Might not be a long time every day, but you at least need to check in every day. Skype, etc can make this relatively easy, but you still need to commit to doing it.
4. You are going to need to make plans to see each other at least once during the year.
5. You are going to need to be prepared to deal with jealousy, anxiety, uncertainty, and the reality that this will suck.
Probably stuff you already knew, but be honest with yourself. You definitely need to have a serious chat about this.
So like others have said, you gotta make sure she's totally committed, because otherwise there's that risk of her straying, or at least of you having to worry about it for 11 months.
ElPresPufferfish: It will be a test of your relationship, no doubt. But know that if it doesn't work out, you're better off finding that out, rather than just giving up at the very beginning! You'll need to look into international phone-cards and the like. It's much easier nowadays with the internet; buy each other webcams or something. Maybe even chip in for a laptop if she doesn't have one.
Edit: Oh, and I wouldn't mention anything about fooling around, if you're already worried about it, then you may not be devoted as you might have thought, and secondly....that's just asking for a nasty nasty fight.
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Some questions to consider answering yourself or with a partner: Are you capable of going 11 months without physical affection? Are you at all interested in "being with / meeting new people" (code for seeking romantic relationships) as part of experiencing a new and/or foreign place? Do you understand how tempting it may be to go out with others to help defray culture shock and homesickness?
Tough questions for college-aged kids these days, but it's possible - just look at all those WW2 stories of soldiers coming back, or more contemporary stories of LDS couples and going on mission.
As for teaching in Japan, JET is a great option, and can pay quite reasonably (income is tax free in both US and Japan!) depending on how much your hosting board of education provides you (housing, utilities, etc.) although you ultimately have little say in where you are placed. I suppose being in the same country is better than nothing, though...
There are also private English schools calles eikawas, but these pay far less, are relegated to major cities, and can sometimes engage in contractual shenanigans since they are well aware of how much control they have over your continued existence in Japan.
BTW, I applied and was accepted into JET a few years ago (couldn't go, unfortunately), so if you have any questions about that, lemme know.
Me and my girlfriend are really committed, and like I said, we talk to each other every day and send emails. At first I thought it was going to be a huge hassle, but talking to her is the part of the day that I look most forward to. We've also saved up money to visit each other, I'm going to Korea at the start of summer vacation, and she plans on coming over next year or so. If there isn't anything like that to look forward to, then it will just make things harder.
Also, teaching English might not be a bad idea. I'm a junior right now with my major in English Creative Writing, I'm Korean-American, and I plan on teaching English after I graduate for a year or so for the work experience, money, and to be closer to my girlfriend. I got really close to a lot of Korean exchange students and I would tutor them, and a lot of them go to "Study Sessions" in Korea to expand their knowledge of the English language (some of them even work there), and they have already hooked me up with a few learning centers, offering room/board, my choice of what age group to teach, etc, for about 3000-4000 a month.
I read in Korean newspapers and learned by word of mouth that: Koreans who go to the U.S. to learn English and go back to Korea to teach English get paid the lowest, U.S. citizens (and other people in English speaking countries) who go to teach English in Korea get paid well, and then Koreans who were born in the U.S. who go teach in Korea get paid the most, because they have had a natural environment in learning both English and Korean as their native languages, so they are the most efficient teachers (along with other cultural influences that I won't go into.)
I was asked a few times to come teach, but I want to graduate first. All in all, those JET programs are really good, but the more personal connections you get, the better.
There are a lot of different ways you can teach English, and programs like JET are just one of them.
Just my opinion though.
1. It is almost impossible for me to fathom anyone at my age (under 25) making a long distance relationship work, especially given factors such as launching a career, traveling and graduating school.
2. Long distance relationships take an almost inhuman amount of trust or disconnection - you either need to give your partner the benefit of the doubt in most situations, or you need to be somewhat emotionally shielded.
3. It was totally worth trying
Number three might stick with you. I'll never know if the distance ruined the love of my life or not (I doubt it, I think we just weren't compatible); but damnit I don't regret doing it in the slightest. I'd do it over again if I had the chance - there were some great times and I learned a lot about myself. With that attitude, I say go for it. It'll suck, but if it sucks too much you can bounce it. I imagine that's the way you're leaning already. The best advice I can give you is to NOT blame the distance for everything. I found myself just writing off every little quibble we had as just a function of the distance between us, and I even convinced her of that fact on plenty of occasions. Sometimes it's true, sometimes it's bullshit, but it's always dangerous to lump all your problems into one variable. Consider the distance, but don't use it as a crutch. Good luck!
Unfortunately I can't go to teach abroad in Japan. I already have an apartment and roommate for next year, and I'm fairly sure it's too late for me to apply to any real programs.
The earliest I get off school for more than a 5 day weekend is in March. I might be able to go see her over Christmas, but her parents kinda...called it. I don't really think I could afford to have her come visit me as well. Have plane tickets always been so expensive?
We're doing good communication-wise so far this summer. We make time to talk - at least once a day on the phone, usually twice, or an email instead of the second phone call. We also text throughout the day. I'm supposed to get a webcam in the mail soon, so we'll both have them.
I like to think I trust her, but this.
I can't imagine how lonely it would be being in a different country. Let alone the fact that she thinks koreans/japanese are the hottest guys around
Also, IMO, she can have a bit too much too drink. Recently, she got drunk and flashed some people at home. It wasn't a big deal since they're all really good friends of ours...but still.
If I were you I would stick with it and try to make it work, but emphasize that above all else honesty is key, and if one of you is having a problem, to get it in the open immediately. And in a way, I'd rather have my girlfriend flash strangers than friends. At least when you leave you know she won't call them later to "hang out". But I'm also fiercely protective and would be way pissed at my girl if she flashed anyone.
Hah. She slept with them that night.(err...in the same bed, no sexytime)
Some women (even very attractive women!) have problems meeting men in Japan because Japanese men are often intimidated (albeit still fascinated) by foreign women, and may not be aggressive in pursuing one. Temptation may still run high, but a good percentage of foreign women in Japan find that they have to do most of the legwork if they want to get together with a Japanese man.
Happily enough, foreign men in Japan usually have the opposite problem (if it could even be called a problem).
I'm sorry to say I've seen a lot of relationships founder in these kinds of situations. The person living here has so many new things going on in their life that they often feel a gap between themselves and people at home (partners, but also friends and family). Obviously they can end up with Japanese people, but also they can get together with other westerners here, because they get how they're feeling.
If you want to maintain the relationship, you'll need to think a lot about communication, and try to think 'outside the box' - just because so many 'inside the box' relationships like this end up... ending.
An open relationship for a while? I have misgivings about them and secret jealousies, but it's one way to prevent a relationship here from being the end of your relationship.
If you wanted to come live in Japan, that might be a good idea, but make sure you would enjoy it - it would be poison for the relationship if you came here, were miserable, and then resented her for it.
Oh, and by the way, if you wanted to get an English teaching job here it's easy as hell, especially in the summer months. My chain requires some EFL qualifications, but most don't. The 'bubble' has ended, meaning salaries are lower than they used to be, but demand is as high as ever.
The other fine people in this thread have given pretty good advice and insight on the alternative, so I won't say anymore.
I agree with all that is said here. It's so hard to make a relationship work when me and my girlfriend are still in college (and not only that, she's a Korean citizen). We both had to sit down and talk seriously about what could happen, what would work, what won't, what will. We also took a lot of advice from people who went through long distance relationships, and the sad part was, they all broke up with their relationships. There were 3 other couples who are going through/went through a LDR much the same as us, and out of them all, my girlfriend and I are the luckiest, because there isn't a language barrier (all the other couples were white guys and asian girls), and another couple were a bit older than us, and they agreed on "Let's just live our lives, if we fall out, we fall out, if we stay together, then we stay together." Whereas my girlfriend and I, after a lot of worrying and being depressed, said to each other that we would make this work and visit each other as much as possible. No one else made these kind of long term commitments, and they either pretty much broke up or are talking once a week for an awkward 5 minutes.
I know it is dangerous planning your life so far ahead, and there will have to be a lot of compromises (especially if your other is a foreigner). My girlfriend is going to Korea University, which is a very prestigious school (at least in Korea's standards), and she's willing to give all that up to come live here after 2 years. I'm a full time student and I work one job and other odd stuff to prepare for the future. It's a very dangerous line we're walking, but we love each other that much, and the more we plan ahead with visiting each other and our future, the better. Love alone isn't going to pull through, there has to be determination and the knowledge that the time spent away from your loved is going to suck.
The temptations are hard too. My girlfriend got hit on by some jock piece of shit while working out, and 2 girls have displayed interest in me. She gave me her gold ring her mother bought her, and I wear it around my neck to remind me of her, and I gave her the bracelet I made out of a guitar string that I wore for a long time in my life.
But there are good things out of a LDR. I have more freedom now. The things I couldn't do when my girlfriend was around, I can do them again. The 3 hours I spend with her during the weekdays are now spent working out, playing video games, and hanging out with friends. The weekends at night are the most loneliest, because that time was our most intimate and fun.
You have to remember though, don't freak out if your other can't make it a certain day(s) to talk or whatever, because we all have lives, and sometimes we just can't make it.
If you both have PCs, mics, and even better, webcams, skype is a good free service to talk and see each other. You can also add money on your account and call her through skype, and it's like .021 cents (U.S.) per minute, which isn't that bad. I put 10 dollars on my account, and it's been lasting for about 3 months. We also send each other regular snail mail, send each other packages, talk to each other on facebook, everything we can.
Sorry if this is so long.