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long distance girl thread
<3
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My girlfriend and I have been together for about four months now. We met during a summer internship, so, yes, this mostly have been long distance. I have visited her and she have visited me, etc, etc.
We are both engineering students so our schedules are pretty hectic, and we are busy throughout the day. When we actually see each other, we are super close and very much in to each other. But when we are back at our respective schools, things seem to drift apart. It seems like we are just living the single life without actually being single (if that makes sense). And communication has been lacking lately.
Phone calls and instant messages have been pretty mundane. Usually, consist of "what's up", "how was your day", etc. There aren't a lot of content in these conversations. That's maybe why we are communicating less and less.
I am very much still in to her, and she's still in to me (I hope so). There isn't a real issue here, but I just kind of wanted to vent. I guess the question is how do I keep this long distance thing going without drifting further apart.
We are both engineering students so our schedules are pretty hectic, and we are busy throughout the day. When we actually see each other, we are super close and very much in to each other. But when we are back at our respective schools, things seem to drift apart. It seems like we are just living the single life without actually being single (if that makes sense). And communication has been lacking lately.
Phone calls and instant messages have been pretty mundane. Usually, consist of "what's up", "how was your day", etc. There aren't a lot of content in these conversations. That's maybe why we are communicating less and less.
I am very much still in to her, and she's still in to me (I hope so). There isn't a real issue here, but I just kind of wanted to vent. I guess the question is how do I keep this long distance thing going without drifting further apart.
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Communication is an important thing to keep going. We've found that talking online, then calling eachother once every few days is the best way to keep the conversation going. I understand where you are coming from. Some times I wanted to break up with her simply because I felt single already.
If you are still interested in keeping the relationship going, stay focused. School is a place you can get yourself into relationship trouble. Talk less frequently on the phone, but actually TRY to make conversation. I know it is hard when you've had a long day, but relationships aren't easy. Try writing letters instead of talking on the phone, or emails for that matter. Think of things to talk about. Gossip. Reminisce about things you've done together. Have each of you read a book and discuss it over the phone every once in a while.
Most of all, you have to try.
2. Fall asleep on the phone together. Seriously, this is awesome. Next best thing to being there. Call when you're both already a bit tired, talk for a while, then just drift off to sleep together. I did this pretty much every night with my boyfriend when I was at university last year, and I don't think I would have made it through the dark of a Sudbury winter without it.
3. Phone sex? Phone sex.
4. Find a long-distance activity you can do together. Maybe not something quite as potentially addictive as WoW, but some kind of environment or location or virtual world where you can interact. A browser-based game, an FPS like Team Fortress 2, even something like a co-op game over XBox Live would work. Make it a regular activity, something you can both look forward to.
5. Tell each other stories! The problem with communicating with someone over the phone or online is that you don't have those standard context-based conversational topics, like "So what did you think of that movie we just watched together?" or "Methinks that cloud looks like a weasel!" But that lack of context can be an advantage, too. Talk about totally random things. Swap memories: summer camp, Christmas as a kid, your families. My boyfriend and I keep each other awake on long car trips by just picking a topic and hashing it out: the pros and cons of socialized health care, the role of government in the economy, plans for surviving a zombie apocalypse, how we plan on raising our future children. There are an infinite number of things you can talk about, many of which result in enlightening, terrifying, or hilarious conversations.
Cryogen makes a good point. Also, plan trips to see each other well in advance, and don't leave a nebulous "we'll see each other sometime in the next few months, I promise!" just hanging out there. Make sure if you're not seeing her soon, that plans are at least in the works for when you two will see each other again. That's a good way of giving something to look forward to, instead of dwelling on you two not being around each other.
We both are also definitely not big phone conversationalists, and she doesn't play any online games. She doesn't really seem to like instant messaging too.
As for a timetable, if this is still going, it will be after I graduate from college in 2010. However, she is graduating in 2009, and will be joining the work force. This could complicate things.
Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
Setting a specific time to talk is important, but don't be upset that sometimes your schedules won't match up. Also schedule when your next meet up is going to be. My girlfriend was planning on coming during Winter break but it turns out she probably won't be able to make it, so the next time we meet will be next year summer, which is pretty crushing to us.
Recently, we got in a fight over the phone and haven't talked to each other for a week until yesterday, when we sent each other an email. Everything is kind of on the fence right now, and I have to admit this is one of the most hardest times ever. I just turn off my brain sometimes just to push through my classes and the rest of my day, and I forget about everything, until I lay down to go to sleep and waves of sadness, anger, and bitterness come at me at once. And then sometimes I just brood over our situation throughout most of the day.
I know this isn't really helping you out right now, it's more for me actually.
Try to remain positive though, and live your life. Give an honest attempt at this relationship.
I don't know what to do =[
Get a webcam. Use either Skype (I recommend Skype, it's what Blake and I use) or any other program that allows video calling.
Have Skypesex. It is fun and awesome.
Also Skype lets you play chess together, hahaha.
Beyond that, there are tons of little things you can do to show you care. A random little gift showing up in her mailbox. There doesn't have to be a LOT of chatter, but you'll be surprised how well a webcam can solve the lack of phone-chatter. A couple of nights ago I played on my DS while on Skype-cam with Blake, who was reading some KotOR LP... we weren't talking, but being able to glance over and see them there helps.
Stay positive. Don't focus on how she's not there, don't TALK about how much you miss each other. Focus on how lucky you are to have her. Yeah you can miss her, but only miss her in so much as she's not here RIGHT NOW, but she's with you when it matters. I've told you this before: long distance relationships aren't for everyone. It takes a very positive, independent, and most important, honest mindset to make one work. If at any point either one of you is holding back, that's trouble.
Why? Because in personal interaction there are tons of cues you can pick up on and see and smile about. When just talking, even with a webcam, those cues become less apparent. You can't give her an extra squeeze in a hug, you can't laugh and kiss her when she does something particularly cute. So, vocalize it. It's an exercise in expressing yourself in words.
Now, this next part is tricky and may not be something you want to hear. But, strong LDRs have plans. A plan to meet up at some point in the future, for both of you to make an effort to be in the same city. That way, the future doesn't look so uncertain and you know you've got a light at the end of the tunnel. Without this goal, the relationship WILL wear you down. Don't go too fast if you don't feel like you should, though. If you don't think you're comfortable making the commitment to meet up with her post-college somewhere, then tell her so. When do you think you WILL be ready to make the commitment? It may not be a long way from now, but it is something to think about.
Alternatively, you can also date other people. My parents were in a 4-year LDR in which they only saw each other 2 months out of it all, and they (like I am now with Blake) were on separate continents. Calling was expensive, letters took weeks to get there, etc. And they actually survived by agreeing to date other people, because then they were reassured that this person, miles away, really was worth the wait.
You might not like it, but there it is.
In the first case, it took me a while to accept this blow, since I still cared for her very much and was afraid of losing what I imagined we still had; but ultimately she was right, I was able to move on with my life (having already been effectively alone for quite a while) and we were both the better off for it (we still talk occasionally and there was no ugly fight or anything, since she was brave enough to end it cleanly). In the second case, I was on the flip side of things (which was, if anything, harder, since I again still cared for her even while I felt our relationship had run its course) and while I know my girlfriend is not going to have an easy time of it, hopefully we will end up in something close to the same situation as in the first case.
Long distance relations are not easy and there is a lot of loneliness involved. The rewards can be wonderful but sporadic and painfully brief. Both of you (heart and pinenut_canary) have my sympathies. Some people are able to make things work — my parents, for one, apparently went a period of about three years living apart, and it worked out for them. Honest and regular communication is important, and I think Cryogen is absolutely right that having an end goal in mind is critical to keeping your relationship above water. In both my relationships, we kept tight through the first semester apart, desperately awaiting the midpoint when we could see each other again; but after that crescendo (both were wonderful, wonderful Christmas vacations), the future became an open question (in the first case, what to do with graduation looming, in the second my getting a job in a city she had no ties to and no clear reason to be in) and it became harder to keep a shared picture as to how we would reunite ourselves going forward. I have to imagine big moments like graduation or moving or getting a new job are not easy even when both partners are starting from the same place; when you are both apart, it becomes an order of magnitude more complicated to do what's best for yourself while remaining part of a larger relationship unit.
I'm very sorry if this is coming off as bleak, because I know both of you must have many memories of the wonderful times you've spent with your significant other and strong feelings of affection still. Just because you're apart for a while doesn't seem like a good reason to give any of those up, I know. And for you, maybe it's not a good reason. If it's not, though, it is going to take dedication and communication and commitment from both you and your partner -- and those don't come by default when you don't have them warm and wonderful next to you. You're both young and your life will be in flux for a while now; maybe these girls will be the ones who end up syncing up with your life's trajectory, but maybe it will be someone different. And that's ok if so. Viv and others have good advice about practical stuff you can do to keep close during your time apart. But if at some point you look yourself in the mirror and just don't feel it's going to work out, I would suggest you be respectful and honest with your partner, be happy for the times you did have with each other, and accept that you're in different places now.
Good luck.
One of the biggest bits of advice I have is to keep your cool in fights. Every couple fights sometimes but the way you handle it is really going to make or break a long distance relationship. If you fight and just let it stew and don't take care of it its like an infected wound and it will just fester and get harder to take care of.
I don't want it to be all doom and gloom though. Having someone you care about so much you are willing to spend large stretches of time waiting for them is great. Times you spend together are awesome and when you finally do get to be together for a long time you are stronger for having endured the distance.
So pretty much, its not that things are bad or something is up its more so that you have to take things in stride. You obviously really like this girl and you guys have your great days so enjoy your time together whenever you two see eachother. Things will work out man just try not to stress about the little things because they tend to pile up on you and thats never good.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
This. So much this.
Going on 20 months right now long distance (LA to Halifax). We leave the web cams up via MSN whenever we can. It helps *so* much with feeling closer and just being able to look up and make each other smile works wonders for our moods.
The days when we can't have the web cam up because it's not working or one of is out of town feel so much longer. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have made it this long (or at least definitely not as smoothly) as we did if not for keeping the web cams up.
I found that a lot of the fights we had wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been long-distance; We both just got so frustrated with not being with each other. We did play several MMO's together over the course of those 2 years for some "together time". I think we maybe had a total of 5 phone conversations (it was mostly IMing and Skype).
I'll also echo the idea that it's good to have a plan for the future (if the relationship is a serious one). I moved to live closer to my boyfriend after graduation, and we had that (along with countdowns to our visits together) to keep us going.
Another thing you could do is watch television together since you said she doesn't game. Either on the phone (make sure you get a headset!) or on the webcam agree to tune in to the same program and during commercial breaks you can comment to each other on what you liked/disliked/thought. You can do this for movies too, either rent the same movie and agree to watch it together or tune in to the same one at the same time. On the same note if you both like cooking or some other hobby you can both go and do it while staying on the phone together with a headset and enjoy each others' company.
It does help a lot to know when you'll get to see each other again. For a while my bf and I were only seeing each other for 3-5 days every 6-12 months. Even if you don't have an exact date to look forward to you can plan what you'll do when you're together.
He's not a big phone talker but I'll call anyway and go on and on. I'm surprised how much he actually listens. You don't have to do a long in-depth phone call everyday, but just a couple "Hey, how's your day been" conversations that only last a couple minutes can work too; just to let the other person know you're thinking about them.
We spend a lot of time talking online as well, we don't have to send an IM every second, much of the time we're both doing homework at the same time.
I agree with the other's saying you should do something together, such as play a game. We play WoW together, we've connected on our DS's, we watch TV shows together (either talking on the phone or IMing), rented the same movie and watched it at the same time as well, played 360 games together etc. It's awesome and a lot of fun.
And lastly, the biggest thing (for me at least) is having a definite trip planned. This way I know when I get to see him next and I don't feel like our relationship is dragging toward an unknown future. We also have a time frame for when we will be living together (this coming May, we both graduate college). Even by doing all of this there are times where you question things, that's normal. All you can do is get through this together. I wish you all the best of luck and hope things work out in the best way possible.
Communication is something you have to work on, it doesn't magically appear.
Satans..... hints.....
I'm glad I'm not the only one who has contingency plans for the zombie apocalypse. I have 2 goals in life: an exact replica of Alton Brown's kitchen from Good Eats and a zombie proof bunker replete with ammo, weapons, flamethrowers, small windows/weapon ports, food stores, garden, power generators, etc. etc.
Regarding the OP - its best to tell stories. I was in a long distance relationship for 3 years from California to Massachusetts. I really enjoy telling stories about everything from what I read about to what happened ato work. There will definitely be times when you dont have something interesting to talk about but putting in the effort is important.
I have an awesome idea. Why don't you try to combine both? o_O
Well now. Strip Skype-Chess. I like it.
Awesomeness. Pawns should be worth nothing or a kiss or something. King should be worth the whole shebang. Bishops, Rooks, etc. should be worth particular pieces. That adds a strategic element to the game! *must..get...Rook...now!*