I always get the feeling that anyone I ask out will probably just say no and I'll feel like an ass for asking.
I'm certainly not great with the whole dating thing but one thing I remember to tell my self about asking someone out is this.
Imagine it was the other way around. Unless the person asking you was VERY stupid about then wouldn't you feel good if someone asked you out. I mean regardless if the person asking was someone you had an interest in or not just knowing someone took the risk of rejection for the chance of your company. Now think about how you asking someone makes that person feel - I mean even if you get a "No, thank you" you will most certainly have made that persons day better. To me that is worth putting my self a little in harms way for. Basically what I'm saying if you focus on the positive even a "No, thank you" can make your life better.
I hope I made sense. English is not my first language and most of the time when I use English it's about bit's and bytes.
I always get the feeling that anyone I ask out will probably just say no and I'll feel like an ass for asking.
I'm certainly not great with the whole dating thing but one thing I remember to tell my self about asking someone out is this.
Imagine it was the other way around. Unless the person asking you was VERY stupid about then wouldn't you feel good if someone asked you out. I mean regardless if the person asking was someone you had an interest in or not just knowing someone took the risk of rejection for the chance of your company. Now think about how you asking someone makes that person feel - I mean even if you get a "No, thank you" you will most certainly have made that persons day better. To me that is worth putting my self a little in harms way for. Basically what I'm saying if you focus on the positive even a "No, thank you" can make your life better.
I hope I made sense. English is not my first language and most of the time when I use English it's about bit's and bytes.
Wow, you know, I've never thought of it that way.
Sol Invictus on
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
edited December 2008
Firstly as everyone said, Romantic Comedies are bullshit.
Seriously, would you honestly get someone's phone number then willingly throw it away to see if it comes back? That's punching yourself in the dick via a third party, it doesn't get you anywhere.
Relationships go places when people make positive steps towards them, this means asking them out. Not pulling on their hair so they notice you.
About the photography thing, you don't do it to pick up chicks you do it because you like it. If you do it to pick up ladies you will come off as fake, and no one likes a fake. If you like it you will talk about it with passion, this will be attractive to a woman because you look interesting. You don't need a woman interested in photography, you need a woman that thinks you are interesting. My girlfriend and I have many similar opinions on things and many similar hobbies. However we also do different things. This is fantastic because it gives us a chance to tell the other about different things and learn off each other. Plus we are both good orators so we find the way we talk to each other interesting and can hold each others attention.
No one ever teaches you how to go from meeting, to conversing, to setting up a date, to whatever whatever. Movies are a terrible place to learn from, but I can see that there really is no other form of figuring it out. Maybe tv, but equally terrible.
Personally, I like to flirt with the thin line between very interested and stalker. For me, when I find myself interested in a girl, its because of a lot of qualities. Hair, eyes, smile and soft skin are physical things...but then its attitude, personality, preferences in lifestyle (ie smoker, drinker and to what extent). So, if and when I DO find someone that fits in there, its so rare that I get in this head zone that says "this is the only girl for me".
I don't know if its good or bad, right or wrong, but it is what it is. Now, as a recommendation, I'd see if you can ask any friends that are girls, or your guy friends' girlfriends, and just be straight up. If you trust them enough, tell them your feelings, ask for advice, and maybe even see if they have any girlfriends that are looking or would be up for a night out as a group thing.
I'd say the most important thing I always tell myself is to not expect anything. I think women can tell (even the slightest tone of voice) when a guy is on the prowl and if he is too eager. Remember, everyone wants what they can't have, and if you just give them all the love in the world...what more do they have gain?*
*personally, i don't understand this logic. but maybe i do, since i'm currently hung up on a girl who is basically unaccessible. So i literally can't have it...and i want it more than anything.
I'm not sure what exactly you mean when you say you revert to "movie logic" when you consider asking a girl out, but I think it means you're overthinking things.
If you think you like a girl, ask her to go hang out. It doesn't really matter what you do. Don't have any expectations, and just take things one step at a time. Keep in mind there's nothing wrong with being shot down and there's nothing wrong with a date not working out.
Finally, try not to have the mindset that you're looking for a relationship. Focus on yourself and what you've got going on in your life. Obviously, don't close yourself off to opportunities, but don't focus on finding them. If you meet someone along the way, give it a try, but don't preoccupy yourself. For me, the relationships i've gotten into have started when finding a girlfriend was probably one of the last things on my mind.
Awesome advice here, also, I'm not sure if it'll help, but it certainly helped me at a time when I felt like I'd never have a significant relationship with anyone. Came in the form of a blog post from an anonymous poster (I didn't even know people read my blog) but it pretty much came down to:
"The one will probably not be right in front of you, but will tap you on the shoulder."
And as my own recent personal experience goes (I'm so smitten, you guys), its at the time when you truly aren't looking that the best opportunities comes around. Don't force finding someone for yourself, just go with the flow, be yourself, be confident and it'll happen.
I understand what you’re saying and its hard because you want to feel true love...who doesn’t really!
My advice is never say you are in a relationship when you're not, simply because people often ask that question because they are interested in you or someone in that group you’re talking to may like you. You could be missing opportunities right in front of you. And don’t feel insecure or pressure about being single (everyone has been there and can relate to being single at one time or another.)
Also the guys are right, you need to be happy within yourself, build your self esteem, find your likes and dislikes, work out any kinks you know you have as well. Being single is the only time you can really do all that stuff…
I say stop looking as well, do what you want and when you find someone nice, ask her out. Asking someone out is the hard part, but what’s to fear, she will either say yes (then you should feel scared) or no (if it is “no†then it will usually be because she is with someone, she’s not ready to date, or looking for something just plain different) and just because you are not the one for her, doesn't mean you are broken.
A lot of guys think we are from another planet, we are not, girls just process stuff differently, but we often feel just like you guys do.
I think you sound really lovely and any girl would be lucky to have you!
RallyGirl76 on
Shoes are better than sex...almost!
"So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"
Just a suggestion, rather than doing something because it will make you more "interesting" or more "desirable," do it because you want to do it. You'll hopefully find people with more like-minded interests.
I mean, sure, signing up to play a game of D&D at your local gaming store won't put you at the top of most girls' lists, but you might just find a girl there who shares your common interests.
You seem to be placing emphasis on doing things that other people would like you to do, rather than doing things because it's what you want to do.
I like video games, fantasy/SF novels and yes, I do enjoy photography. However, I don't think that I've actually found anyone into these things who wasn't either a) online, and not in 'real life', or b) actually interested in me.
If they were interested in me, I never really had the guts to ask them out.
Yeah, I'm seeing here that I'm just a terribly insecure person when it comes to forming relationships, but it's not something I know how to just get over. It's somewhat odd, because I don't really suffer from any anxiety in dealing with anything else.
To reiterate, my self-confidence only becomes impaired when it comes to relationships. It's as if I put my potential mates upon a pedestal and view them as some kind of unattainable goal, diminishing my own self-confidence in the process.
I'm feeling plenty confident in myself right now, but the feeling comes and goes like the ebb and flow of chemicals swirling around in my brains.
You've correctly pointed out that I constantly seek tacit approval from others before engaging in some activity, and yes, it's true. Is online dating kosher? I mean, what would you think of me if I decided to start hitting up some online website pursuant to my hobbies for individuals who share my interests in photography and art? Like say, DeviantArt or Flickr or something.
You've pretty much described me right there. Except that I'm still not really sure of myself when conversing with people that aren't girls I'm interested in.
Sorry, I don't really have advice to give you though, since I'm going through the same thing. But just wanted to say your not the only insecure person out there. I'm sure there are millions out there, even though it feels like you're the only one that is like this.
victor_c26 on
It's been so long since I've posted here, I've removed my signature since most of what I had here were broken links. Shows over, you can carry on to the next post.
You don't need a woman interested in photography, you need a woman that thinks you are interesting.
First, limed for truth. As many, many others have said at this point: confidence and a real belief/love in yourself is the first and most important step. You need to do things because you like to do them, not because of how it presents yourself to others. One of the things that I have been told, and also believe from my experience, is that women find confidence sexy, and nothing is more sexy than someone who lives their own life.
My second point, and related to the first, is that you have to give things time. While getting out there and dating so that you're comfortable, as others have said, is very important, you also have to realize that you have a lot of time. I'm just guessing, but based on trafficking these boards, my guess would be that you're anywhere from 18 to 30 years old... essentially, you're young. You have A LOT of time to find that special someone, and there's little sense in rushing it, because trying to force things just never works out.
Believing in yourself requires creating an enjoyable, satisfying life. Once you do that, you have all the time in the world to find someone who will make it that much better.. but the best thing is that even if you don't find that person for a long time (or at all), you'll actually enjoy your life up to that point. Good luck.
No seriously, what the fuck does Sarcastro do for a living because
1. He writes well.
2. He gives really good advice.
If he isn't making millions with that sort of judgment and brain...
The amount of time he obviously spends on each post leaves me wondering, too. Really the content of his posts are never so wildly divergent from that of other commenters (it boils down to essentially five or six points that really were already made), what's different is the amount of time and effort he obviously invests in stringing those points together and his creative us of subtle metaphors (in this case the "slipstream" he describes). So while other comments are sometimes dismissed too easily as glib, you have to take his advice seriously; after all, he obviously does.
I have to admit I enjoy the relationship threads because I know that eventually Sarcastro's going to show up and spend half an hour thinking about how to answer a question. But where does he find the time in the day?
i remember a post where someone (i think evander?) was like he recited a speech from a romantic comedy to a girl who was his friends that he had feelings for.
i mean even if it works, once the girl watches the movie she's gonna break up with you. and if she already saw the movie, duh
Don't do any bullshit to try to change who you are for someone. Be straightforward and don't lie, about what, and who, you are.
Just ask someone you're interested in to go out sometime. Use whatever wording you want, but be clear that it's a date, or you're at least interested in them. And be prepared to get shot down, it's not a big deal. I don't believe any of that crap about one true love. That's bullshit, there are millions of people out there, and good chances to find someone compatible enough that you can both stand to be around each other for an extended period of time.
Before you start looking for someone else to love, love yourself. Does it sound narcissistic? Yes, and it should. You are the best person in your life. You should be thankful of who you are, and everything that you can do. Respect yourself. People tend to notice that.
EDIT: I posted this before finishing the first page, seems Sarcastro covers most of my point, in a better manner. Also, I'm now waiting for the day when I see a thread on H&A titled "Sarcastro, I need some advice."
Aw, ya all makin me blush. I usually just try to give the answer that I would have needed if I were in the same place. In this case, I can easily identify with the OP- those were some harsh lessons back in the day, I hope his ride goes smoother than mine did.
Well, I've got a somewhat related problem. I'm an engineering student who recently transferred to a new school. So I don't know many people (I don't know anyone in engineering school) and I'm having trouble meeting people. I went on a couple of dates back at my old school, but my real problem is meeting, well, anyone. I can't really talk to people during class, because it's a flurry of note-taking. I don't drink, both because I'm not 21 yet and because I'm pretty sure I won't enjoy it... I don't like the idea of losing my inhibitions.
I should be moving into a place with a roommate next semester, so hopefully I'll have at least a single contact there, but there's no guarantee we'll be friends. I'm home for the semester now, so any advice won't be particularly helpful for a while, but how would you guys recommend me getting to meet people? (Particularly ladies, though honestly it'd be nice to just have a few friends like I had back at my other school.)
Well, I've got a somewhat related problem. I'm an engineering student who recently transferred to a new school. So I don't know many people (I don't know anyone in engineering school) and I'm having trouble meeting people. I went on a couple of dates back at my old school, but my real problem is meeting, well, anyone. I can't really talk to people during class, because it's a flurry of note-taking. I don't drink, both because I'm not 21 yet and because I'm pretty sure I won't enjoy it... I don't like the idea of losing my inhibitions.
I should be moving into a place with a roommate next semester, so hopefully I'll have at least a single contact there, but there's no guarantee we'll be friends. I'm home for the semester now, so any advice won't be particularly helpful for a while, but how would you guys recommend me getting to meet people? (Particularly ladies, though honestly it'd be nice to just have a few friends like I had back at my other school.)
Your school must have clubs and organizations. Get out there and join a few, both for things you already know you enjoy (what defines you other than non-drinking engineering student?) and activities that sound interesting but you've never tried before. No better way to meet people than by going to where there are people.
Well, I've got a somewhat related problem. I'm an engineering student who recently transferred to a new school. So I don't know many people (I don't know anyone in engineering school) and I'm having trouble meeting people. I went on a couple of dates back at my old school, but my real problem is meeting, well, anyone. I can't really talk to people during class, because it's a flurry of note-taking. I don't drink, both because I'm not 21 yet and because I'm pretty sure I won't enjoy it... I don't like the idea of losing my inhibitions.
I should be moving into a place with a roommate next semester, so hopefully I'll have at least a single contact there, but there's no guarantee we'll be friends. I'm home for the semester now, so any advice won't be particularly helpful for a while, but how would you guys recommend me getting to meet people? (Particularly ladies, though honestly it'd be nice to just have a few friends like I had back at my other school.)
Your school must have clubs and organizations. Get out there and join a few, both for things you already know you enjoy (what defines you other than non-drinking engineering student?) and activities that sound interesting but you've never tried before. No better way to meet people than by going to where there are people.
And don't just go, participate, and walk back to your dorm. Talk to people, make an impression, and keep them in contact/make plans.
SkyGheNe on
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JohnnyCacheStarting DefensePlace at the tableRegistered Userregular
edited December 2008
One thing I have to say, is you don't need, probably don't even really want, a girl who is interested in everything you're interested in. It isn't always that cool if a girl is twinsies with you on everything. It's actually a damn good sign, IMO, if the girl has her own life and interests.
One thing you mentioned - fear of getting "rejected" or "shot down" - dude, you know what? You're going to get "rejected" with varying degrees of politeness MOST OF THE TIME when you ask a girl out. You take all girls, you take the ones you want to talk to, then you gotta figure 5% or so are gay, maybe half are with somebody, 10% just broke up with somebody, and the rest are just as screwed up as you and might well say no for perfectly internal reasons.
So before you even get down to questions of compatibility and attractiveness, about two-thirds or more of women just aren't in a position to say yes.
Once again, I'd like to thank Erios and Sarcastro and the rest of you for contributing to the thread. I'm managing to change my outlook on all of this and I'm super productive now as a result by pursuing my passions.
I have one thing to add to the sound advice already given in this thread : Be a fountain. Not a drain.
That is, be a fountain - the kind of person that gives joy and inspiration to other people. Be a giving, generous soul. You want to be a person who, by being confident, inspires confidence. You want to have the kind of inner strength other people can count on. You want to be the kind of person that's just plain fun to hang around - or soothing to be with, or hilariously funny, or can inspire feelings of warmth and safety. Someone who's interesting in his own right, through his actions, his knowledge and his personality. In other words, you want to be the kind of person other people want in their lives.
Mind you, this is VERY different from being a spineless doormat - a spineless doormat gives to people just to gain their approval. This person is the perfect example of a drain - he has low self-esteem, so constantly wants to validate himself by gaining approval, or pity, or sympathy. This is the cliche Nice Guy who is nice not because he wants to be generous, but because he doesn't have the guts to assert his true personality, or because it's just easier that way. A drain sucks the joy out of being around him. He constantly talks about himself and focuses only on his problems. A drain is just no fun to be around for a short time, let alone a lifetime. Don't be this person.
Be a fountain, not a drain - and you'll find that people want to hang around you more often. That's a good place to start.
I have one thing to add to the sound advice already given in this thread : Be a fountain. Not a drain.
That is, be a fountain - the kind of person that gives joy and inspiration to other people. Be a giving, generous soul. You want to be a person who, by being confident, inspires confidence. You want to have the kind of inner strength other people can count on. You want to be the kind of person that's just plain fun to hang around - or soothing to be with, or hilariously funny, or can inspire feelings of warmth and safety. Someone who's interesting in his own right, through his actions, his knowledge and his personality. In other words, you want to be the kind of person other people want in their lives.
Mind you, this is VERY different from being a spineless doormat - a spineless doormat gives to people just to gain their approval. This person is the perfect example of a drain - he has low self-esteem, so constantly wants to validate himself by gaining approval, or pity, or sympathy. This is the cliche Nice Guy who is nice not because he wants to be generous, but because he doesn't have the guts to assert his true personality, or because it's just easier that way. A drain sucks the joy out of being around him. He constantly talks about himself and focuses only on his problems. A drain is just no fun to be around for a short time, let alone a lifetime. Don't be this person.
Be a fountain, not a drain - and you'll find that people want to hang around you more often. That's a good place to start.
Yeah, I know who the exact person the fountain is in our group of friends. And guess what, Everyone wants to hang around with him because he is a blast, he just talks about silly/funny stuff with gusto. He pretty much validates everyone with "Yeah!", "Chingalo!" (Spanish slang for Do It! or Go For It!), "That's the way to do it!"
And well, me, I'm the drain, but without the "Only wants to talk about himself/his problems" part. Yeah, I'm pretty much doing that right here on this thread. But that's here on a forum, not in real life. I know that I'll be a killjoy if I start blabbing about myself in real life. So I tend not to talk at all. If I can't find anything interesting or useful to say, I just keep my mouth shut. I actually don't like talking about my self at all in real life. So in essence, I'm a ghost, to the point where people don't even remember if was there at all (Any social gathering/outing/work/etc). Feels kind of shitty when someone asks you "You were there? No, I don't think you were there". So the issue I have to get over is Confidence, and finding a way to validate myself on my own. I haven't really found a way yet though.
victor_c26 on
It's been so long since I've posted here, I've removed my signature since most of what I had here were broken links. Shows over, you can carry on to the next post.
Yeah, I know who the exact person the fountain is in our group of friends. And guess what, Everyone wants to hang around with him because he is a blast, he just talks about silly/funny stuff with gusto. He pretty much validates everyone with "Yeah!", "Chingalo!" (Spanish slang for Do It! or Go For It!), "That's the way to do it!"
Disclaimer: Chingalo doesn't literally mean "go for it," it means "fuck it" so be careful repeating it.
Yeah, sorry about that should have been more clear. I just wanted to convey what he means when he says that.
Johnny is absolutely right.
victor_c26 on
It's been so long since I've posted here, I've removed my signature since most of what I had here were broken links. Shows over, you can carry on to the next post.
Chinga's the version of fuck that's particularly bad to say to someone, right? Or was that jota? Or am I getting confused here? Either way, do be careful.
Chinga's the version of fuck that's particularly bad to say to someone, right? Or was that jota? Or am I getting confused here? Either way, do be careful.
Yeah. Chinga, or Chingar is literally "Fuck".
Chingalo, as Johnny said, was the spanish form of saying "Fuck It!" Like: "Fuck it, I'll drive."
Jota is something else (A negative term, almost derogatory), and it is not something you want to generally use in a conversation if you're learning spanish. Heh.
victor_c26 on
It's been so long since I've posted here, I've removed my signature since most of what I had here were broken links. Shows over, you can carry on to the next post.
Posts
I'm certainly not great with the whole dating thing but one thing I remember to tell my self about asking someone out is this.
Imagine it was the other way around. Unless the person asking you was VERY stupid about then wouldn't you feel good if someone asked you out. I mean regardless if the person asking was someone you had an interest in or not just knowing someone took the risk of rejection for the chance of your company. Now think about how you asking someone makes that person feel - I mean even if you get a "No, thank you" you will most certainly have made that persons day better. To me that is worth putting my self a little in harms way for. Basically what I'm saying if you focus on the positive even a "No, thank you" can make your life better.
I hope I made sense. English is not my first language and most of the time when I use English it's about bit's and bytes.
Wow, you know, I've never thought of it that way.
Seriously, would you honestly get someone's phone number then willingly throw it away to see if it comes back? That's punching yourself in the dick via a third party, it doesn't get you anywhere.
Relationships go places when people make positive steps towards them, this means asking them out. Not pulling on their hair so they notice you.
About the photography thing, you don't do it to pick up chicks you do it because you like it. If you do it to pick up ladies you will come off as fake, and no one likes a fake. If you like it you will talk about it with passion, this will be attractive to a woman because you look interesting. You don't need a woman interested in photography, you need a woman that thinks you are interesting. My girlfriend and I have many similar opinions on things and many similar hobbies. However we also do different things. This is fantastic because it gives us a chance to tell the other about different things and learn off each other. Plus we are both good orators so we find the way we talk to each other interesting and can hold each others attention.
Satans..... hints.....
Just be yourself.
Nothing more destructive than being found out that you are a FAKE.
No one ever teaches you how to go from meeting, to conversing, to setting up a date, to whatever whatever. Movies are a terrible place to learn from, but I can see that there really is no other form of figuring it out. Maybe tv, but equally terrible.
Personally, I like to flirt with the thin line between very interested and stalker. For me, when I find myself interested in a girl, its because of a lot of qualities. Hair, eyes, smile and soft skin are physical things...but then its attitude, personality, preferences in lifestyle (ie smoker, drinker and to what extent). So, if and when I DO find someone that fits in there, its so rare that I get in this head zone that says "this is the only girl for me".
I don't know if its good or bad, right or wrong, but it is what it is. Now, as a recommendation, I'd see if you can ask any friends that are girls, or your guy friends' girlfriends, and just be straight up. If you trust them enough, tell them your feelings, ask for advice, and maybe even see if they have any girlfriends that are looking or would be up for a night out as a group thing.
I'd say the most important thing I always tell myself is to not expect anything. I think women can tell (even the slightest tone of voice) when a guy is on the prowl and if he is too eager. Remember, everyone wants what they can't have, and if you just give them all the love in the world...what more do they have gain?*
*personally, i don't understand this logic. but maybe i do, since i'm currently hung up on a girl who is basically unaccessible. So i literally can't have it...and i want it more than anything.
If you think you like a girl, ask her to go hang out. It doesn't really matter what you do. Don't have any expectations, and just take things one step at a time. Keep in mind there's nothing wrong with being shot down and there's nothing wrong with a date not working out.
Finally, try not to have the mindset that you're looking for a relationship. Focus on yourself and what you've got going on in your life. Obviously, don't close yourself off to opportunities, but don't focus on finding them. If you meet someone along the way, give it a try, but don't preoccupy yourself. For me, the relationships i've gotten into have started when finding a girlfriend was probably one of the last things on my mind.
"The one will probably not be right in front of you, but will tap you on the shoulder."
And as my own recent personal experience goes (I'm so smitten, you guys), its at the time when you truly aren't looking that the best opportunities comes around. Don't force finding someone for yourself, just go with the flow, be yourself, be confident and it'll happen.
My advice is never say you are in a relationship when you're not, simply because people often ask that question because they are interested in you or someone in that group you’re talking to may like you. You could be missing opportunities right in front of you. And don’t feel insecure or pressure about being single (everyone has been there and can relate to being single at one time or another.)
Also the guys are right, you need to be happy within yourself, build your self esteem, find your likes and dislikes, work out any kinks you know you have as well. Being single is the only time you can really do all that stuff…
I say stop looking as well, do what you want and when you find someone nice, ask her out. Asking someone out is the hard part, but what’s to fear, she will either say yes (then you should feel scared) or no (if it is “no†then it will usually be because she is with someone, she’s not ready to date, or looking for something just plain different) and just because you are not the one for her, doesn't mean you are broken.
A lot of guys think we are from another planet, we are not, girls just process stuff differently, but we often feel just like you guys do.
I think you sound really lovely and any girl would be lucky to have you!
"So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"
Sol, I'm right there with you and I want to thank you for writing a thread that I should have written ages ago.
Everyone, especially Sarcastro and Erios, keep up the good work!
Sarcastro: I'd submit your post to the AWESOME POSTS forum but it would just get skewered there. Wise words.
You've pretty much described me right there. Except that I'm still not really sure of myself when conversing with people that aren't girls I'm interested in.
Sorry, I don't really have advice to give you though, since I'm going through the same thing. But just wanted to say your not the only insecure person out there. I'm sure there are millions out there, even though it feels like you're the only one that is like this.
First, limed for truth. As many, many others have said at this point: confidence and a real belief/love in yourself is the first and most important step. You need to do things because you like to do them, not because of how it presents yourself to others. One of the things that I have been told, and also believe from my experience, is that women find confidence sexy, and nothing is more sexy than someone who lives their own life.
My second point, and related to the first, is that you have to give things time. While getting out there and dating so that you're comfortable, as others have said, is very important, you also have to realize that you have a lot of time. I'm just guessing, but based on trafficking these boards, my guess would be that you're anywhere from 18 to 30 years old... essentially, you're young. You have A LOT of time to find that special someone, and there's little sense in rushing it, because trying to force things just never works out.
Believing in yourself requires creating an enjoyable, satisfying life. Once you do that, you have all the time in the world to find someone who will make it that much better.. but the best thing is that even if you don't find that person for a long time (or at all), you'll actually enjoy your life up to that point. Good luck.
"So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"
Don't tell Sarastro, they've had words!
1. He writes well.
2. He gives really good advice.
If he isn't making millions with that sort of judgment and brain...
"So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"
The amount of time he obviously spends on each post leaves me wondering, too. Really the content of his posts are never so wildly divergent from that of other commenters (it boils down to essentially five or six points that really were already made), what's different is the amount of time and effort he obviously invests in stringing those points together and his creative us of subtle metaphors (in this case the "slipstream" he describes). So while other comments are sometimes dismissed too easily as glib, you have to take his advice seriously; after all, he obviously does.
I have to admit I enjoy the relationship threads because I know that eventually Sarcastro's going to show up and spend half an hour thinking about how to answer a question. But where does he find the time in the day?
i mean even if it works, once the girl watches the movie she's gonna break up with you. and if she already saw the movie, duh
Just ask someone you're interested in to go out sometime. Use whatever wording you want, but be clear that it's a date, or you're at least interested in them. And be prepared to get shot down, it's not a big deal. I don't believe any of that crap about one true love. That's bullshit, there are millions of people out there, and good chances to find someone compatible enough that you can both stand to be around each other for an extended period of time.
Before you start looking for someone else to love, love yourself. Does it sound narcissistic? Yes, and it should. You are the best person in your life. You should be thankful of who you are, and everything that you can do. Respect yourself. People tend to notice that.
EDIT: I posted this before finishing the first page, seems Sarcastro covers most of my point, in a better manner. Also, I'm now waiting for the day when I see a thread on H&A titled "Sarcastro, I need some advice."
I should be moving into a place with a roommate next semester, so hopefully I'll have at least a single contact there, but there's no guarantee we'll be friends. I'm home for the semester now, so any advice won't be particularly helpful for a while, but how would you guys recommend me getting to meet people? (Particularly ladies, though honestly it'd be nice to just have a few friends like I had back at my other school.)
Your school must have clubs and organizations. Get out there and join a few, both for things you already know you enjoy (what defines you other than non-drinking engineering student?) and activities that sound interesting but you've never tried before. No better way to meet people than by going to where there are people.
And don't just go, participate, and walk back to your dorm. Talk to people, make an impression, and keep them in contact/make plans.
One thing you mentioned - fear of getting "rejected" or "shot down" - dude, you know what? You're going to get "rejected" with varying degrees of politeness MOST OF THE TIME when you ask a girl out. You take all girls, you take the ones you want to talk to, then you gotta figure 5% or so are gay, maybe half are with somebody, 10% just broke up with somebody, and the rest are just as screwed up as you and might well say no for perfectly internal reasons.
So before you even get down to questions of compatibility and attractiveness, about two-thirds or more of women just aren't in a position to say yes.
Does that help you not take it personally?
I host a podcast about movies.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7784366.stm
It feels good.
That is, be a fountain - the kind of person that gives joy and inspiration to other people. Be a giving, generous soul. You want to be a person who, by being confident, inspires confidence. You want to have the kind of inner strength other people can count on. You want to be the kind of person that's just plain fun to hang around - or soothing to be with, or hilariously funny, or can inspire feelings of warmth and safety. Someone who's interesting in his own right, through his actions, his knowledge and his personality. In other words, you want to be the kind of person other people want in their lives.
Mind you, this is VERY different from being a spineless doormat - a spineless doormat gives to people just to gain their approval. This person is the perfect example of a drain - he has low self-esteem, so constantly wants to validate himself by gaining approval, or pity, or sympathy. This is the cliche Nice Guy who is nice not because he wants to be generous, but because he doesn't have the guts to assert his true personality, or because it's just easier that way. A drain sucks the joy out of being around him. He constantly talks about himself and focuses only on his problems. A drain is just no fun to be around for a short time, let alone a lifetime. Don't be this person.
Be a fountain, not a drain - and you'll find that people want to hang around you more often. That's a good place to start.
Updated 12/19/2008: BIBLE BUFFET, SEX AND PIZZA.
Yeah, I know who the exact person the fountain is in our group of friends. And guess what, Everyone wants to hang around with him because he is a blast, he just talks about silly/funny stuff with gusto. He pretty much validates everyone with "Yeah!", "Chingalo!" (Spanish slang for Do It! or Go For It!), "That's the way to do it!"
And well, me, I'm the drain, but without the "Only wants to talk about himself/his problems" part. Yeah, I'm pretty much doing that right here on this thread. But that's here on a forum, not in real life. I know that I'll be a killjoy if I start blabbing about myself in real life. So I tend not to talk at all. If I can't find anything interesting or useful to say, I just keep my mouth shut. I actually don't like talking about my self at all in real life. So in essence, I'm a ghost, to the point where people don't even remember if was there at all (Any social gathering/outing/work/etc). Feels kind of shitty when someone asks you "You were there? No, I don't think you were there". So the issue I have to get over is Confidence, and finding a way to validate myself on my own. I haven't really found a way yet though.
OP, listen to Sarcastro's words. Heed them.
Disclaimer: Chingalo doesn't literally mean "go for it," it means "fuck it" so be careful repeating it.
I host a podcast about movies.
Johnny is absolutely right.
Yeah. Chinga, or Chingar is literally "Fuck".
Chingalo, as Johnny said, was the spanish form of saying "Fuck It!" Like: "Fuck it, I'll drive."
Jota is something else (A negative term, almost derogatory), and it is not something you want to generally use in a conversation if you're learning spanish. Heh.