We're going to be adding some advertisements to the forums! If you notice any weirdness around this or spot bad/inappropriate ads, please make a thread in the bugs forum.

How to ask if she's cheating

SpaceMonkeySpaceMonkey Registered User regular
edited November 2006 in Help / Advice Forum
So I started dating this girl about three weeks ago. She's very fun and cute, and I enjoy spending time with her, though the relationship is obviously fairly young and significant bonds haven't really been formed yet.

Last week she spent about four days out of town visiting friends from college. She had fun and whatnot, and I was glad she got to see her old buddies.

Then last night, she says she's going back to the same town for the weekend, only this time on a business trip. I don't know a WHOLE lot about her job, but from what she's told me it's not the kind of job you'd go on a business trip for (she works in an airport). Throw in the fact that this business trip takes place on a weekend in her old college town, and my "...wha?" flags went up.

It's entirely possible I'm just being paranoid. Working life in Japan is MUCH rougher than it is in the states, with unpaid overtime being a norm and whatnot, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that she'd be sent on a business trip.

But at the same time, if she has a boyfriend back in her college town she didn't mention to me, I want to know about it so I can end this before I get too attached.

What I want to know is, how can I ask her something like that without seeming like a clingy freak? We've only been going out for a few weeks, and I probably AM being a clingy freak, but if I don't find out one way or the other, it'll probably drive me mad.

SpaceMonkey on

Posts

  • itylusitylus Registered User
    edited November 2006
    "This is an open relationship, right?"

    That's the best I can do. It still doesn't seem very good. But it satisfies the condition of establishing if she's cheating on you, while making it seem that you're not asking her about that, you're asking if it's ok with her if you sleep with other people.

    Best just to own up to feeling jealous, though.

    itylus on
  • EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    My advice?

    Don't even bother asking in ANY way.

    Why? You ar eonly dating a few weeks and she's going to a business trip that coincidently happens to be in a town she has friends in. I'ts possible she choose that location from many, who knows?

    Point is, if you want to talk about anything, ask about where she sees this relationship now, and where she would like to see it go.

    If you two are not really serious yet, and you have not established any formal "we're officially dating only each other" kind of thing, then she may not even be looking at what you have as a full fledged relationship.

    On the other hand, maybe you are both seeing it as a full relationship, and this trip is exactly what she said it is.

    If you go out asking her if she's cheating on you, or even "imply" that is what you are asking this early in the relationship, it doesn't bode well.

    Now, if she starts taking trips to this place every other week or so and is packing her sexy cloths you might want to start thinking about broaching the topic then.

    As it stands now, she's just going on a business trip, take it for what it is. Unless you have some other reason for thinking she's cheating on you aside from this, it's hardly a reason to even concider it.

    EclecticGroove on
  • SlagmireSlagmire Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Wait... three weeks? That's all?

    If the weeks were months, then I'd probably not question why you care, but seeing as you don't know much about her still, I'd just not worry about it.

    Slagmire on
  • SpaceMonkeySpaceMonkey Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    There's something else that's bothered me and gives me reason to doubt her level of commitment to me, but that's kind of a different story and also likely explainable.

    My biggest problem is probably that I can't understand open relationships. I guess it's a normal (or at least not uncommon) thing, but in my eyes if you're dating someone, you don't fuck other people.

    But anyway, thanks. That's some good advice.

    EDIT:
    Slagmire wrote:
    Wait... three weeks? That's all?

    If the weeks were months, then I'd probably not question why you care, but seeing as you don't know much about her still, I'd just not worry about it.

    Well, as I just said in this post, I don't get open relationships, so there's that. Also, if she has a boyfriend, that's fine, but I figure she oughta tell me before we get involved in ANY beyond-friend context so I know not to pursue.

    SpaceMonkey on
  • DynagripDynagrip destroy everything you touch Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2006
    Is she like actually your girlfriend? Have y'all actually kissed or anything beyond that?

    Dynagrip on
    ok98TNK.png
  • SpaceMonkeySpaceMonkey Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Yes.

    SpaceMonkey on
  • SlungsolowSlungsolow Registered User, ClubPA
    edited November 2006
    As it stands, 3 weeks is not a very long time and I wouldn't consider any infidelity on her part "cheating". You can certainly talk to her about it. Be honest. The last thing you need is the stress of jealousy weighing down your feelings for her. But three weeks... you might be a bit clingy.


    Of course, it's entirely possible that she's cheating on her college town boyfriend with you.

    Slungsolow on
    fuck your forums, fuck your administrator and fuck dynagrip for getting away with the long troll.
  • Sharp101Sharp101 TorontoRegistered User regular
    edited November 2006
    You could ask her what her Trip is about?

    She wont want to be put on the spot like that if she is cheating.
    She will like that you are interested in her life if she isn't cheating.


    Win Win.

    Sharp101 on
  • SpaceMonkeySpaceMonkey Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Slungsolow wrote:
    Of course, it's entirely possible that she's cheating on her college town boyfriend with you.

    That's what I meant, I couldn't think of a better way to say it that would fit in the space given in the title. Also note I didn't call the thread "How to ask if she's cheating ON ME".

    I guess I'm making it sound like I care a bit more than I do. Like I mentioned, no real attachments have been formed yet, I just wanted some advice on a good way to ask if there's someone else.


    EDIT: Sharp -- solid. I'll give that a go when I see her tomorrow.

    SpaceMonkey on
  • precisionkprecisionk Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Slungsolow wrote:
    Of course, it's entirely possible that she's cheating on her college town boyfriend with you.

    That's what I meant, I couldn't think of a better way to say it that would fit in the space given in the title. Also note I didn't call the thread "How to ask if she's cheating ON ME".

    I guess I'm making it sound like I care a bit more than I do. Like I mentioned, no real attachments have been formed yet, I just wanted some advice on a good way to ask if there's someone else.


    EDIT: Sharp -- solid. I'll give that a go when I see her tomorrow.

    I would perhaps say something like, "Is this an exclusive relationship?" If she says what or no and then asks why then say, "I just wanted to make sure and want to know you are fully committed to me." If she says no, then you have your answer.

    precisionk on
  • DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    precisionk wrote:
    Slungsolow wrote:
    Of course, it's entirely possible that she's cheating on her college town boyfriend with you.

    That's what I meant, I couldn't think of a better way to say it that would fit in the space given in the title. Also note I didn't call the thread "How to ask if she's cheating ON ME".

    I guess I'm making it sound like I care a bit more than I do. Like I mentioned, no real attachments have been formed yet, I just wanted some advice on a good way to ask if there's someone else.


    EDIT: Sharp -- solid. I'll give that a go when I see her tomorrow.

    I would perhaps say something like, "Is this an exclusive relationship?" If she says what or no and then asks why then say, "I just wanted to make sure and want to know you are fully committed to me." If she says no, then you have your answer.

    Not bad, but I wonder if that's a bit heavy for something that has only been around for 3 weeks.

    Sharp's idea is pretty good. I mean, you've only been together for 3 weeks, so this way you're actually able to find out a bit more about her job and stuff too. Win win indeed.

    Beyond any of that you're going to have to rely on your spidey-senses. She could view this as a pretty new thing and have a date or two on the side, but it is entirely possible that if it grows into something more serious she's a one man kinda gal.

    DrZiplock on
    "zip, i dunno what it is about you, but there's something very cat-like about your face. i can't really place it. you'd make a good mountain lion." Hail, Satan!
  • DynagripDynagrip destroy everything you touch Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2006
    precisionk wrote:
    Slungsolow wrote:
    Of course, it's entirely possible that she's cheating on her college town boyfriend with you.

    That's what I meant, I couldn't think of a better way to say it that would fit in the space given in the title. Also note I didn't call the thread "How to ask if she's cheating ON ME".

    I guess I'm making it sound like I care a bit more than I do. Like I mentioned, no real attachments have been formed yet, I just wanted some advice on a good way to ask if there's someone else.


    EDIT: Sharp -- solid. I'll give that a go when I see her tomorrow.

    I would perhaps say something like, "Is this an exclusive relationship?" If she says what or no and then asks why then say, "I just wanted to make sure and want to know you are fully committed to me." If she says no, then you have your answer.
    That will come across as super creepy this early on. he's probably better just stating what he thinks their ground rules are currently. Hell, it might be earlyish for that even, depending on how much time they've spent together.

    I knew I recognized your name and location, Space Monkey. I have not seen you in a while.

    Dynagrip on
    ok98TNK.png
  • SlungsolowSlungsolow Registered User, ClubPA
    edited November 2006
    just ask what the trip is about. feigning interest in her job is better than talking about committment.

    Slungsolow on
    fuck your forums, fuck your administrator and fuck dynagrip for getting away with the long troll.
  • EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    I agree.. 3 weeks in and still uncertain.

    Show an interest in what she does... I wouldn't say feign.. actually have an interest.

    Better to get her talking with you about herself and the things she does than to be confrontational and questioning her sincerity in your relationship after only 3 weeks.

    EclecticGroove on
  • precisionkprecisionk Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Dynagrip wrote:
    precisionk wrote:
    Slungsolow wrote:
    Of course, it's entirely possible that she's cheating on her college town boyfriend with you.

    That's what I meant, I couldn't think of a better way to say it that would fit in the space given in the title. Also note I didn't call the thread "How to ask if she's cheating ON ME".

    I guess I'm making it sound like I care a bit more than I do. Like I mentioned, no real attachments have been formed yet, I just wanted some advice on a good way to ask if there's someone else.


    EDIT: Sharp -- solid. I'll give that a go when I see her tomorrow.

    I would perhaps say something like, "Is this an exclusive relationship?" If she says what or no and then asks why then say, "I just wanted to make sure and want to know you are fully committed to me." If she says no, then you have your answer.
    That will come across as super creepy this early on. he's probably better just stating what he thinks their ground rules are currently. Hell, it might be earlyish for that even, depending on how much time they've spent together.

    I knew I recognized your name and location, Space Monkey. I have not seen you in a while.


    Oh crap, totally didn't see the 3 weeks part. Well then, who cares. Its just 3 weeks. If its just dating, then she has all the right to see other guys as you have all the right to see other women. Enjoy.

    precisionk on
  • SpaceMonkeySpaceMonkey Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Dynagrip wrote:
    I knew I recognized your name and location, Space Monkey. I have not seen you in a while.

    Indeed, I'm surprised you remember me. I lurk.

    SpaceMonkey on
  • DynagripDynagrip destroy everything you touch Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2006
    Slungsolow wrote:
    just ask what the trip is about. feigning interest in her job is better than talking about committment.
    Hopefully Japanese women are denser than Western girls and are unable to see through this clever ruse.

    Dynagrip on
    ok98TNK.png
  • SpaceMonkeySpaceMonkey Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Dynagrip wrote:
    Slungsolow wrote:
    just ask what the trip is about. feigning interest in her job is better than talking about committment.
    Hopefully Japanese women are denser than Western girls and are unable to see through this clever ruse.

    To be honest, I won't mind if she realizes what I'm trying to figure out. This seems a good indirect way to find out, and indirectness is key in this culture.

    SpaceMonkey on
  • ZekZek Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Honestly, you need to chill out. There's nothing to investigate here. There isn't any way to ask her "Hey, when you said business trip did you actually mean you're going back to bone some guy?" without sounding clingy and paranoid. You've only been going out for three weeks, if she's "cheating" on you then there's plenty of time for it to manifest for real. You have absolutely no solid evidence to suspect her of lying, much less dating other guys.

    Zek on
  • crakecrake Registered User
    edited November 2006
    I like to have an exclusive relationship before I sleep with a girl. So I always ask up front if it's going that way. At this point, no real bonds have been formed, so it's ultra easy to ask the qestion. I have yet to recieve a negative response (meaning no one has gotten upset over it).

    However, I'm part of a social group where it's expected to interview each other on sexual histories for safety reasons. (even get tested) You're pretty much expected to be exclusive if you start sleeping together.

    Still, I don't think it'd be a disaster if you directly asked her the question. Just don't make it a conversation about cheating. That's just rude this early on.

    crake on
  • EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Well, he did mention there was some "other" bit that he hasn't shared that makes him a bit more on the curious side.

    But he has not shared that nugget of information, so I can't comment on how valid any of his concerns are. Based purely on the 2 trips, he's got no reason to think it's anything but what she says it is.

    I agree he needs to just let it slide and not worry about it. If he MUST say something because he will never sleep again at night or some such, then I agree with the people that recommend just asking her what the trip is for. I did state he should be genuinely interested, not just a "What's this trip about, ok whatever, hwo are you boning" kind of question, I mean an honestly interested question where youw ill listen and comment on what she says.

    If she dodges it completely and basically tells you to piss off and it's none of your business.. then ok, maybe there is something up, or maybe she just doesn't talk about work. It's all bout how well you know her and what you would expect her to say vs what she says in that case.

    EclecticGroove on
  • Nitsuj82Nitsuj82 Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    You say that you're in a committed relationship, but have you actually sat down and discussed your commitment to each other, or do you just assume that you're now exclusive?

    Nitsuj82 on
    Your sig is too tall. -Thanatos
    Nitsuj82.png
  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited November 2006
    3 weeks seems a bit early to me. There is a chance that she's treating this as an open relationship. As Feral in another thread said, not everyone lives monogamously. At any point in time people are in various stages of hooking up or breaking up, and the line after which the "relationship" starts can be vague.

    And honestly, if you're this suspicious 3 weeks into the thing, I can see many problems arising in the future.

    ege02 on
  • Sir Red of the MantiSir Red of the Manti Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Seems like she's playing mindgames. She's looking to see what kind of response you're going to provide, if any at all, and will make a judgment on your character based on that. You've just been social hacked.

    Sir Red of the Manti on
  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited November 2006
    Seems like she's playing mindgames. She's looking to see what kind of response you're going to provide, if any at all, and will make a judgment on your character based on that. You've just been social hacked.

    Maybe, but it's very dangerous to get very paranoid about things like this. If you follow this line of thinking often enough, sooner or later you're going to see everything she does as a mind game.

    ege02 on
  • DioltasDioltas Registered User
    edited November 2006
    Whoa now. Hold on. Based on the info that the OP gave us, I see no reason to be freaking out to anywhere near this degree. She went to this town for a weekend once and you were ok with it, right? Why would she have to make up an excuse like a business trip to go again if you were never not ok with her going there in the first place? Hell, man, if she wanted to be sneaky at all she could just have used the "visiting friends" line again, since that is proven ok with you. If she REALLY wanted to be sneaky, she'd say she was going on a business trip to a different city.

    Point it, it's probably just a coincidence that her business trip is taking her there. A happy coincidence at that, because if she had fun with her friends the last time she went back, she'd most likely have fun this time. It does NOT logically follow that going out of town again automatically = cheating. You are jumping to some pretty extreme conclusions. You don't even know if she had a boyfriend in college. So chill, dude. The biggest problem I can see in this relationship so far (from what I've read) is that you're extremely paranoid and clingy. Just let this thing go, there's a 95% chance it's nothing. Try not to let your paranoia get the best of you, because that's what will ruin your relationship.

    Dioltas on
  • amarygmaamarygma Registered User
    edited November 2006
    Jumpy one, a'intcha?

    3 weeks is super short to start freaking out. You probably only saw each other a few times the first week, she spent most of the second week visiting and you're in week 3.

    The fact that her old college buddies are still in old college town makes me think she's not that far out of school. Could she just be lonely and need familiar faces? Is she saying its a business trip because she doesn't want you to think the wrong thing- that she's up to no good? Could it be business that isn't job-related- like getting a transcript or interviewing for a position or something? Maybe her idea of business is breaking it off with an old boyfriend. Maybe you came along and she went back to him and then has decided to be with you- to make the relationship exclusive- and is going back to end it with him.

    You should probably just ask her what kind of business she's up to, is everything okay at her job, etc?

    Depending on the situation (price), maybe you'd like to offer to go with her. Tell her that it's such a bummer that she has to work all weekend and suggest that you tag along so you can treat her to dinner at the end of the day and maybe you could all hang out with the "insert friend name here" you've heard so much about.

    You can tell her you wanted to see that area anyways/ you've got no plans this weekend and were hoping to spend it with her/ you have a lot of paperwork or reading to get done anyways, or that you're just up for a road trip.

    If her reactions make you more suspicious, leave it at that: you are now more suspicious that you don't trust her. If you can't develop that trust within at least a few months, then you two aren't clicking or your vibes or off or the chemistry's wrong and you might be happier with someone else.

    amarygma on
    Whee!
  • SpaceMonkeySpaceMonkey Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    I appreciate all the advice, but I should have worded my posts better.

    I'm not "freaking out" about any of this, and I'm not going to "let it go" because open relationships are "A-OK".

    My question was how to ask if she's seeing other people, because I'm not down with open relationships. That's it.

    I thought if I just straight up ask her "Hey, you dating other people?", she may get offended and be like "I'M GOING OUT WITH YOU WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO YOU THINK I AM" or whatever, so I wanted a more delicate, indirect way of asking.

    But thanks for all the posts, guys. You helped a lot.

    SpaceMonkey on
  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Seattle?Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    If you want to know where you're at in a relationship, you ask "hey, where are we at?" Do it after a movie, after the conversation about said movie has died down.

    Seattle Thread on
    kofz2amsvqm3.png
  • budecbudec Registered User
    edited November 2006
    but in my eyes if you're dating someone, you don't fuck other people.

    don't assume that stuff, it'll only end badly.




    Secondly, it's easy to ask, I ask all the time. you just say something like "you seeing other people" while cuddling with her.

    Or could take the funny aporach "So... what you think about going "Steady" - you know, you being my girl, I'll let you wear my class ring" or "So I'm not seeing any guys any more... nope, no more guys for me since I've meet you, how about about yourself?".


    it's a real easy basic realtionship quesiton. Communication is important, so go talk to her and stuff.

    Also when I bring up this question I like to throw in the "So you get tested regularly?" you know, cause I' really paraniod about that stuff.

    budec on
    ninjasig.jpg
  • Daemon_AconisDaemon_Aconis Registered User
    edited November 2006
    budec wrote:
    Budec talking

    Dear god and I kept wondering why everytime you post you're jailed.

    To the OP, if you're truly concerned about it not being an open relationship, ask her. If she wants an open relationship, it's a good thing for you to know this early in the relationship, if she doesn't want an open relationship, she's likely to be flattered that you are that interested in her, and are looking to make it exclusive.

    Just because so many people in this thread are saying that open relationships are good and normal doesn't mean you have to agree or be in one. On the same point, if she does say she wants to be in an open relationship, don't hold it against her, just tell her that you're not interested in that sort of thing. There is nothing to be gained in burning a bridge over this, as people change.

    Daemon_Aconis on
    unitedstatesofcommunismvy1.gif
Sign In or Register to comment.