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Queer Predicament (Boy Thread)
UnabridgedCaptain
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Let me start with a disclaimer: I feel that asking H/A for assistance in this situation under an alternate name would be somehow irreverent or disingenuous, but names will be changed just in case any of the involved read these forums. If any point is unclear, just ask me to elaborate.
We'll start with the basics. I'm a 19 year old male student going to college on the East Coast, but home is on the West Coast. Over the summer, while hanging out with my friend Ted (who also happens to be queer), I realized that I was actually attracted to him. This was a mite problematic, as I had a girlfriend at the time -- and so did he. I tried to just forget about it, but the thought of him kept nagging at me, so I told him. Probably not one of the smarter decisions I've made in my life, but nothing catastrophic came of it. In fact, Ted said he could see such a relationship between us happening, but at that moment he was happy with his girl. All that came out of the conversation is that he now knows of my feelings for him.
Kick it into fast forward for a bit -- a few weeks before Thanksgiving, Ted's girlfriend broke up with him. On the day of Thanksgiving, I broke up with my girlfriend for unrelated reasons. In December, I'm home in the West again, finding it difficult to figure out what to do with regards to Ted, therefore not doing anything at all. One night, though, as Ted and I are lazing about and watching movies at ridiculous hours of the morning, I bring the subject to his attention once more, and again am declined. Ted's still getting over the loss of his girl, he says. Now it's January, and the entire situation is gnawing at me more than ever. Through all of this, we've remained good friends, for which I am thankful. However, it's reached the point where I'm asking you fine folks of H/A for guidance.
There are a number of options I see for myself, and probably a few more that I don't see. One, I could keep waiting as I have been and hope that Ted gives up on his girl. Two, I could be uncharacteristically forward and take a note from the "kiss the girl" advice from past relationship threads here. Three, I could try to forget about Ted as a relationship candidate and see if an interesting boy or girl comes along at school back East.
tl;dr version: Guy knows I'm into him, but is still hung up on the girl that left him, and I don't know what to do. I would really love some advice, H/A.
We'll start with the basics. I'm a 19 year old male student going to college on the East Coast, but home is on the West Coast. Over the summer, while hanging out with my friend Ted (who also happens to be queer), I realized that I was actually attracted to him. This was a mite problematic, as I had a girlfriend at the time -- and so did he. I tried to just forget about it, but the thought of him kept nagging at me, so I told him. Probably not one of the smarter decisions I've made in my life, but nothing catastrophic came of it. In fact, Ted said he could see such a relationship between us happening, but at that moment he was happy with his girl. All that came out of the conversation is that he now knows of my feelings for him.
Kick it into fast forward for a bit -- a few weeks before Thanksgiving, Ted's girlfriend broke up with him. On the day of Thanksgiving, I broke up with my girlfriend for unrelated reasons. In December, I'm home in the West again, finding it difficult to figure out what to do with regards to Ted, therefore not doing anything at all. One night, though, as Ted and I are lazing about and watching movies at ridiculous hours of the morning, I bring the subject to his attention once more, and again am declined. Ted's still getting over the loss of his girl, he says. Now it's January, and the entire situation is gnawing at me more than ever. Through all of this, we've remained good friends, for which I am thankful. However, it's reached the point where I'm asking you fine folks of H/A for guidance.
There are a number of options I see for myself, and probably a few more that I don't see. One, I could keep waiting as I have been and hope that Ted gives up on his girl. Two, I could be uncharacteristically forward and take a note from the "kiss the girl" advice from past relationship threads here. Three, I could try to forget about Ted as a relationship candidate and see if an interesting boy or girl comes along at school back East.
tl;dr version: Guy knows I'm into him, but is still hung up on the girl that left him, and I don't know what to do. I would really love some advice, H/A.
UnabridgedCaptain on
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This.
I was just about to post that the situation would be the same if it was a female roommate you were interested in but just broke up with her boyfriend. Give him his space.
On the bright side, unrequited attraction + friendship still = friendship. Friendship + relationship can very often lead to one less friend.
But anyways, when the advice to just go for it is brought up, the OP hasn't usually been rejected twice. You have.Sounds harsh, but I mean, if the dude wanted something with you, he knows how you feel, I agree on that he's just trying to deflect you and be nice about it.
the term queer encompasses a wide range of sexual and gender identities. There are people who are as close to 100% straight as you can get, yet still identify as queer.
As for the rejection, it's important to note that the rejections occurred first while this person was dating some, and then just after they'd been dumped by the person. There's nothing wrong with maintaining a bit of hope while searching elsewhere. Just don't dwell on the guy.
Yeah... it shocked me the first time I heard it too. Now I embrace it. Here's the wiki.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer
the more you know and all.
In any case the ball is in his court now and there isn't much you can do. If I were you I'd stop pining and start looking at other options.
yeah, cause bi dudes don't form emotional attachments, what with them not being human beings and all?
Wait, gay/bi dudes are robots?
That explains everything.
We are. Now [strike]bow[/strike]kneel before your robot overlords.
All I'm saying is that it's an extremely common excuse, a way to politely reject someone without hurting their feelings. There's nothing in the OP that'd really suggest the attraction is mutual; just the OP getting turned down twice.
Ha! That line won't work on me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..
But yeah, I agree it was probably the guy just trying to be nice and not full out reject him.
I dunno... that seems somewhat telling.
But I do agree that the OP needs to move on. I just disagree with your assertion that Ted being bi makes that any more or less likely that he needs more time to get over his ex.
That may have been a case of unwarranted cynicism on my part.
I'll revise my stance to: Ted being a dude makes it less likely that he needs more time to get over his ex.
I've found a general rule to be that one generally doesn't discuss 'starting' a relationship- you either have one going that way, or you don't. I'm sorry, but you don't. Branch out, meet some new people. Expanding your social circle might help take the blinders off your current sitch. Besides, do you really want to get in with someone who is only half-hearted about you? You deserve something in the full-on category, don't be afraid to hold onto that standard.
What? How does this make sense?
I agree with everyone else - either he's pushing this off by saying that he needs time, or he actually needs time. Either way, back off.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
He might indeed be interested someday, but if you push it any further you run the risk of making him uncomfortable and driving away a friend. Just be friends and if he comes around before you meet another guy (or girl, I suppose) then give it a shot. But it's up to him now.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
Because I've had the opposite end of the spectrum, with someone relentlessly contacting me despite blatant and complete rejections of their advances.
Also, I know a bunch of straight guys who tell me we'd be good together. And it's true, we would be. Like, in prison, maybe. Do you think this could have been a poorly chosen compliment that you took too seriously?
You have told him, very brave of you, but don’t put yourself out there any further. Let him process the loss of his girlfriend and see if he brings it up later on.
To get past a crush that is one-sided, you need to distract yourself focus yourself on work or a hobby or start dating other people.
But don’t hold your breath, he could be just trying to find a kind way to tell you his not interested in a relationship above your friendship (and please don’t feel bad if he rejects you, there could be a 100 different reasons for that, his not comfortable dating his mate, or dating again so soon after a brake up or his mind might be elsewhere.)
"So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"