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roommate "cleans" and possibly throws my stuff away
amelia_kate
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I live in campus housing with three roommates, we'll call them Beth, Cara, and Dana. I have been living with Beth and Cara for two years, Dana moved in to replace a roommate who moved out to live with her boyfriend (I'm great friends with her still)
I just came back over spring break, and found the following things:
1) A clean kitchen
2)A a set of recycling bins with labels
3) Shelves in the kitchen cupboards labeled in sharpie with what should go on the shelves
4) A large note telling me (and Amy and Beth) that we have assigned garbage days and dishwashing days, and we need to remove all of the stuff from the common area that is a "personal item"... signed, Dana.
I replied with a note of my own, saying I planned on opting out of the trash days since I don't contribute to the communal trash (I have a can in my room, since I got tired of being the only one to take out the trash, and I didn't want to feel guilty for contributing to the trash and refusing to take it out.) I have no personal items in the common area since I don't like hanging out in there, and I have no problem doing dishes, and I wrote that in the note.
The next day I came in and my entire name was blacked out in sharpie, even over the dishwashing bit. Dana is clearly mad at me.
I have been trying to get a chance to talk to her, but she's had friends over a lot lately and I don't want to be awkward and bring up problems when she is hanging out with her friends. The problem is, I'm not at the apartment that much, and so the other three girls are much more in touch with one another, and I'm sort of the odd one out.
Most of the stuff in the kitchen belongs to me (microwave, dishes, knives, toaster, cleaning supplies, pots and pans... the only thing that doesn't is the drinking glasses and a few odds and ends that my other roommates have. Dana has nothing in the kitchen.
Today I was cooking and realized a lot of my stuff is missing. My knife block, my kitchen scrubbers, Two boxes of Mr. Clean magic erasers, and a pan. I realize that doesn't seem like a lot, but I bought this stuff for myself and I planned on keeping most of my kitchen supplies for awhile, I didn't buy them to just be disposable or anything.
I don't know what to do! She's clearly mad at me, and writing a note did not help (Dana threw it away without responding, it was just a note saying I couldn't find the stuff)
Do I ask her if she stole it? Do I ignore it to preserve the peace? If she says she did throw it away, can I ask her to buy me some new ones? Should I move all of my stuff out of the kitchen, to avoid further disposal of things I own? I only have to live with her for another six weeks, then I'm moving out.
Quickly: Roommate possibly threw away some of my stuff when "cleaning"... how do I respond?
I just came back over spring break, and found the following things:
1) A clean kitchen
2)A a set of recycling bins with labels
3) Shelves in the kitchen cupboards labeled in sharpie with what should go on the shelves
4) A large note telling me (and Amy and Beth) that we have assigned garbage days and dishwashing days, and we need to remove all of the stuff from the common area that is a "personal item"... signed, Dana.
I replied with a note of my own, saying I planned on opting out of the trash days since I don't contribute to the communal trash (I have a can in my room, since I got tired of being the only one to take out the trash, and I didn't want to feel guilty for contributing to the trash and refusing to take it out.) I have no personal items in the common area since I don't like hanging out in there, and I have no problem doing dishes, and I wrote that in the note.
The next day I came in and my entire name was blacked out in sharpie, even over the dishwashing bit. Dana is clearly mad at me.
I have been trying to get a chance to talk to her, but she's had friends over a lot lately and I don't want to be awkward and bring up problems when she is hanging out with her friends. The problem is, I'm not at the apartment that much, and so the other three girls are much more in touch with one another, and I'm sort of the odd one out.
Most of the stuff in the kitchen belongs to me (microwave, dishes, knives, toaster, cleaning supplies, pots and pans... the only thing that doesn't is the drinking glasses and a few odds and ends that my other roommates have. Dana has nothing in the kitchen.
Today I was cooking and realized a lot of my stuff is missing. My knife block, my kitchen scrubbers, Two boxes of Mr. Clean magic erasers, and a pan. I realize that doesn't seem like a lot, but I bought this stuff for myself and I planned on keeping most of my kitchen supplies for awhile, I didn't buy them to just be disposable or anything.
I don't know what to do! She's clearly mad at me, and writing a note did not help (Dana threw it away without responding, it was just a note saying I couldn't find the stuff)
Do I ask her if she stole it? Do I ignore it to preserve the peace? If she says she did throw it away, can I ask her to buy me some new ones? Should I move all of my stuff out of the kitchen, to avoid further disposal of things I own? I only have to live with her for another six weeks, then I'm moving out.
Quickly: Roommate possibly threw away some of my stuff when "cleaning"... how do I respond?
amelia_kate on
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The best thing possible would be to sit down, chat about it and hopefully work everything out. This roommate sounds pretty OCD, so you should seriously just text her something like, "Let's have a roommate meeting tonight at 8" or something along those lines. Ask her if she knows where your stuff is, concede that you should have been more polite in your response to her attempt to organize (do this whether you believe it or not, you have to make a few concessions or you're not giving her any reason to bargain), and then discuss the future clean-up schedule.
If she refuses to talk to you, you could try calling in your RA to force discussion. Might or might not work, considering the roommates disposition.
All of this stuff happens pretty frequently in college. You get thrown together with people you either don't know at all or don't know as well as you thought you did. Look at it as a chance to improve your conflict resolution skills.
It sounds like some better communication could really help this situation.
Don't let the fight escalate, try and bring it to a peaceful conclusion. Accusations won't accomplish that. Maybe she just moved them. Even if she did hide them or something juvenile like that, she's just mad.
Tell her why you're mad and how having to take the trash out yourself all the time made you feel.
Try and work out, don't let it develop into a stupid fight over something stupid.
You're friends!
Notes are incredibly passive aggressive and will only make it worse.
Yeah. My last roommate communicated almost entirely in notes. It made me want to fucking strangle him. I mean, i can see leaving a note like "Hey your mom called" or "Ive gone away for the weekend", but anything serious, fuck notes.
Infact, i just want to see some guy last weekend about an apartment, and one of the questions he asked me was "Youre not one of those pricks who leaves notes around when you want me to do things or if youre mad or something, are you?". I had to laugh because that was going to be one of my questions for him.
So, seriously, fuck notes. If you have a problem, talk to the person like an adult.
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I'm the odd one out in my dorm, and I had to lay down rules about it. Fuck notes and text messages about room stuff, was a big one. Cleaning things I never use was another. Keeping things face to face is important, theres no guess work in tone or time to steam over little things. Unless shes a rampant bitch in confrontations, it will cut out the bullshit.
Yes, I've had flatmates like this. Bad position to be in.
Oddly the one I had the joy of spending a year with was also the messiest person in the flat. Weird girl.
Alternatively, just say "What the hell, Dana? Making all these decisions on our behalf without even discussing it with us is ridiculous and insulting. If you want to do a task-sharing thing then talk to us about it. Sheesh!"
that is why you take any notes like that and post them on the website, passiveaggressivenotes.com
pretty funny site.
just don't let your roomie know about it as that will be another conflict to deal with.
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Bingo. Cut to the chase, and stop with the notes back and forth. It's a poor way to discuss or resolve things.
And if she keeps it up, you only have six more weeks to put up with her. And that's six weeks to think of some wonderful pranks for move-out day.
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not so much to secure a fuck you im set attitude, but to avoid something messy and lots of things going missing at 4am.
Sheesh!
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@Willeth: Damn it! Quit making me laugh, your going to get me in trouble at work :P
Talk to her. Speak your mind and make sure to let her know that you 1) Support her effort to better the suite/house and 2) Would like to be kept in the loop with stuff like this.
Bad blood in any living situation is quickly not worth whatever moral/ethical stance one could take. Give it a pro-active shot as resolution. Make sure you let her know that you appreciate and support her end, but have a problem with her means.
It got to the point where one fo the girls killed a cockroach on the counter and left it there for 3 days until someone LEFT A NOTE saying "clean this up it's been 3 days" with an arrow pointing to the bug. I never used the kitchen, or the common room, cause I was always either in my room working, or somewhere else. so i didn't notice the bug, but obviously someone else did for 3 days, and didn't 'help out' and clean it up.
That was the last straw.
please talk to these people, dana will surely make your life a living hell if you don't confront her face to face. I say this with experience.
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please told me you took a picture of that note with the dead bug next to it. Its GOLD Jerry!
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Check out my art! Buy some prints!
I said "Hi Dana, do you have time to talk for a minute? The kitchen looks really nice, and way organized! But I can't find some things, could you tell me where you put the scrubber, knife block, cutting boards, and pan?"
and she just sort of turned around with this like crazy-eyed look.
Perhaps asking someone about roommate issues is a bad idea when the said roommate is unloading the dishwasher, but she started waving a knife (that she was putting away, in a drawer) all around and telling me that her boyfriend just broke up with her, and how dare I not take out the trash, and that I am lucky she didn't throw everything I own in the trash because apparently I missed a note for a "apartment cooperative cleaning of the kitchen" (which I guess she posted over spring break? when I was gone, back home?)
And I explained to her that I am not the one who messes everything up, and that I take out my own trash and don't contribute, and she said she'd buy me a new knife block but that she has it on good authority that my other roommate (Cara) took the other missing stuff and is using it in her boyfriend's apartment (three doors down). Dana is much more mentally unstable than I expected, and I am still considering moving my stuff out of the kitchen since apparently me missing a note made her want to "Break every single one of [my] dishes"
Should I wait until she replaces my things and then remove the majority of my belongings (other than big things like the microwave) from the kitchen? I have a room that locks, and after seeing her wave that huge knife around I am totally locking it when I sleep now!
Go down to Residential Life and speak to your building manager or whoever else will speak to you. At the least they'll provide a no-pressure moderated meeting to work this stuff out and you'll be able to launch a formal complaint. At best they will be able to broker a peace.
I worked in Res Life for awhile. Use them, this is their purpose.
Or maybe she has a desperate need to control everything in her life and since her relationship just went by the wayside she needs to exert as much control over her living conditions as humanly possible.
Brandishing is a little strong. The OP said that it was the knife she was already in the process of putting away. But I'll agree that this behavior should not go unchecked.
If you do have an RA you should report this to her, if only to get it down on paper. Any further problems that result from crazy can go in the file. Futhermore, if you go to your RA he or she can facilitate future discussions. You MUST remain calm and not interrupt anyone, including the crazy lady, when talking or giving your side of the story. Nine times out of ten the RA has got much better shit to be doing than settling your petty disputes, so don't talk over them or become overly emotional because then you'll look like a cause of the problems.
That's a terrible way of approaching the situation. In fact, I'd say that settling petty disputes is 95% of any RA's job. Know why? Because those petty disputes are what lead to bigger and more dangerous situations.
This right the fuck now, especially combined with the threats and her controlling attitude. RAs definitely care about "petty disputes" - they care even more when people are emotionally/mentally distressed and waving fucking knives around at their roommates.
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Sounds like a good idea. Personally, I wouldn't wait until she replaces your things, if she does at all.
And you should definitely talk to an RA about this post-haste, today if possible - yes, up to a point you should try to talk it out and work things out on your own, but it sounds like this is quickly escalating beyond that.
Any good RA talks with their residents regularly about the living situation and settles these disagreements before they need to be called to deal with the situation. After three years I never had someone move out, fight, threaten, or steal because of an argument with a roomate.
Then again I was guys and it didn't take much to get them to see the logical solution. Also, there wasn't a community kitchen were people left valuables or food. Thank goodness freaking post-it notes weren't involved.
Go talk to your RA.
Definitely schedule a resolution as soon as possible - if the RA is worth a damn s/he will point out that the space is shared, and that dictating rules without the consent of other roommates, especially though notes, is not cool. It will be made clear that relationship troubles, while understandable (especially the guy leaving part
If you come to any agreement on the administration of the kitchen and what belongs to whom and what chores will be done when and how get it in writing, and have both of you sign - the "I don't remember saying that" argument does not work when it's in writing and signed.
Other than that, good luck and godspeed. Some bitches be crazy.
Yeah...girls are a little bit...different. The conflicts involved are usually much more emotional in nature, even if they start out not. One girl not cleaning out the sink quickly becomes a tear-fest because the other girl thinks she does it on purpose because she has a boyfriend and the other girl doesn't, bla bla bla.
Well that may be true, but that's true for most of the shit a RA does. Bulletin boards, programming, rounds, all that crap.
Maybe I'm taking this the wrong way, but it doesn't seem like this person was "pulling a knife on the OP." The way I envisioned it was that the roommate being irritated was talking with hand gestures and not threating the OP with a knife.
Although Dana as kinda nuts for flying off the handle about this, I think going to the RA and saying that her roommate is pulled a knife on her would only escalate the situation since that very well maybe an exaggeration. But I think going to RA and telling him/her of the situation would be a good idea to hopefully get this resolved in a civil manner.
I might be pretty scatterbrained myself but even I know not to hand-talk with a knife. Especially not in the context of "I'm, like, so totally pissed off at my boyfriend and the world and my mom and I'm going to cut myself/others/destroy your property because of it."
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
yea, good point.
This is true, but going to the RA and saying "OMG she pulled a knife on me" is disingenuous.
Also, leaving notes is the worst shit ever. Even an e-mail to roommates is better than a note.
Well Dana seems to have issues with normal concepts like not being a dictator over areas of your living space or not throwing away someone else's things on an angry whim. It wouldn't surprise me if she didn't understand she was brandishing a knife :P