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New Comic - 3/30/09
CrossBuster
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except there's just as many times that henchman #356 stands not close enough to the flaming barrel of doom, or the fire extinguisher, or the whatever exploding thing, and it's wasted
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never been on when it happened this quick
cool?
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the logistics of big red exploding barrels are rarely addressed
You can, but you need to adjust your perception so that your expectations are realistic. They are "hench" (meaning "strong") men. Not...like...brainmen...or something.
their products are always top shelf
My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should've just said, 'Yeah.'"
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Is that what hench means? I never knew.
Hey, I already used "top shelf" on this page! You have to use "top notch" or something! Stop copying me! You copier copycat!
They're a wholly owned subsidiary of Acme Products, Inc.
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Yeah.
I'm not looking for them to perform brain surgery, but basic concepts like taking cover and investigating the sudden, violent disappearance of your co-workers should be a minimal skill requirement. I'm busy building death rays or setting up my dark pyramid, I don't have time for this shit. That's why I hired them.
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Blowing up dudes with their own explosive barrels that they carelessly leave in the middle of a firefight is always satisfying.
It can also refer to "horse," but not in the same way as "horseman." It would imply that he's the dude who walks next to your horse, like a squire.
It's pretty broadly applicable.
Look, at least they step over the bodies of the other guys on patrol and don't slip in the blood-pool.
Hell, the smart ones even look around for ten to fifteen seconds before they assume it was a heart attack and forget about it.
Which is clearly co-opted by Dunder Mifflin, Inc.
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The University of Phoenix isn't exactly the best set of credentials for a henchman; I don't need a double doctorate from the Massachusetts Institute of Terror (Marksmanship and Covert Operations are preferred by the way), but something more than a correspondence course is usually a must.
Also, I have to admit that On the Job Training at my hidden volcano is probably not the best option.
You would think they would avoid the blood pools, but nope. Do you know how many lost time accidents I have to deal with because of slips and falls on pools of henchman blood? Like a lot. All these workmans comp claims are ruining my safety record because these tards can't watch where they're stepping or kill the one fucking agent running around the base even though they outnumber him 100 to 1.
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Just guys going "grrr I'm so angry I'm going to run right past these open barrels of explosives to get that guy!".
Oh man, that's my dream job. OSHA inspector for Lairs, Strongholds, and Compounds.
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because they freak the hell out when you start laying waste to their pals
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It would also help if they would just flood the shit out of the area when the enemy is spotted, instead of sending like five guys total and having them all enter through the same side. There should be fifty guys, entering from all doors, covering each other, and maybe they can turn on some fucking lights. Also, when you notice that a security camera has been shot to pieces by a .45-caliber round, call that shit in. It's not, like, supposed to be that way.
Halt!
Ach! Mein Leben!
See but those guys were all business. They were just, like "oh hey he shouldn't be here BANG BANG BANG." You walk around a corner, and then follow you. They don't go "well, I guess he disappeared."
An OSHA inspector would have a heart attack if he ever visited Black Mesa.
"Now, why is the switch to this gigantic fan positioned so that after turning the giant fan on, you have to climb a ladder through the spinning fan blades in order to return to work?"
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"Maybe I shot at him so hard he vaporized? Yeah that seems likely."
He'd ask to see their lock out/tag out policy and then get violated by some mutated horror.
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